Morning Reflection: It’s all in your head

It’s all in your head.

There’s this one place in your universe. One place that is solitarily yours, and you are responsible for everything that happens there. All of your dreams, all of your fears, all of your motivation and all of your anchors share the same geographical location. 

They fight for resources, they fight for time, but in the end they are all found in the place where you dare not go.

The inside of your mind.

It’s what you believe, and what you fear. That’s what’s defining your reality or destroying your destiny. Because there are so many things that are possible, so many interesting experiences out there for you and yet you hold yourself back because you can’t see past what you take for granted that may not be so.

All of the guilt that you carry is a result of the way you have been programmed by life, your parents, your spouse and the various things that you believe. 

All of them weigh on you, forcing you to believe that there is a “way” that you have to be. Here’s a newsflash for you.

Be you. Be 100% authentically you. 

Don’t listen to the people who tell you what you should be because chances are they have an agenda of their own and you are just a bit player in it.

Decide who you are, and then be that person.

Are you going to make mistakes? Absolutely. But guess what, they’ll be mistakes that mean something because you were trying to be yourself. You learn what you’re made of, you’ll learn where your weaknesses are. 

But when you show up to life 100% authentically, you will attract the people who will give you your mistakes because they understand your heart. We all screw up, that’s part of being human. It’s probably the most defining trait that we have.

But not doing anything, because you’re so afraid of every single possible avenue of failure is the ultimate screw up. It’s paralysis of the soul at the behest of someone else’s judgments. I can’t think of anything more abhorrent. 

I’ve seen coaching clients scared to make a single decision; begging for somebody else’s approval, admonishment or agreement. If that’s you, stop it. You were never going to enjoy your life living that way. You make everybody else happy at the cost of your misery and they won’t EVER thank you for it.

You have to be you.

So get inside your head and decide that now is the time to actually make a full inventory of who you are. You have strengths, you have weaknesses. You have Angels and Demons. Put a rope around both of them, drag them up close and tell them who is in charge. 

Because the only way that you are actually going to leave this life with a sense of satisfaction is when you have been you.

That doesn’t mean you get to treat other people like they aren’t important. It means that if you are going to respect your consciousness then you really have to respect theirs as well. It’s a hard thing to balance, and it’s a constant management of me versus them.

But when you understand that to truly serve people you have to be everything that you are, you finally make the jump about not worrying what people think, and instead focus on what you know to be true.

You.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Broken Ego on Check-Stand Number 2

Broken Ego on Check-Stand Number 2.

I don’t know if she did it deliberately. Maybe it’s store policy, maybe it was her way of taking a shot at me. I don’t know. All I remember was being very happy that I managed to hold my tongue, and not make an uncomfortable situation worse.

Yet her question has provoked some interesting emotions in me this evening, so I thought I would share it with you.

“Senior discount, 55 years or older” she asked?

And I froze for a second, and was almost speechless. A sudden rush of questions ran through my head. Do I look that tired? Does the slightly loose skin on my face from my weight loss make me look old?

Is it the gray in my beard? Is she annoyed because I’m in her store? Is she having a bad night, or is she just messing with me because I’m a man?

“No thank you” was all I managed. In hindsight I could have used one of my many accents, been charming, or even a little flirtatious, just to make the situation less painful, but I didn’t. I was too busy trying to analyze the emotions that were overtaking me at that moment.

Why was I reacting so strongly to something that was in all reality no big deal?

I felt for a moment somehow less ‘whole’. Like a door to the young me of the past had just been closed behind me, never again to open and allow me to step through it one more time.

I felt as if I suddenly had less time to achieve whatever it is I want to achieve; less time to share my thoughts and ideas with others; less opportunities to do and see all that the world has to offer.

But most of all, I felt like I was ‘less attractive’, which is ridiculous because as a 48-year-old guy who has been happily married for 22+ years, being ‘attractive’ should be really low on my list of concerns. But for some egotistical reason, that bothered me more than I wanted to admit.

So, I went deeper, to understand the truth behind my feelings. I do that a lot, in case you hadn’t noticed. :)

And to my surprise, I realized that even though I look so much better after losing 140lbs, there is still a part of me that feels like I am still that 330lb, 5'9'' guy, who hated people looking at him, because of the way that he saw himself.

I realized that I had placed a lot of my personal ‘value’ in looking better than I used to, and that no matter how hard I try, time will eventually rob me of my hard won improvements to my appearance.

All I can do is fight a desperate rearguard action, and try to tell myself that I’m not being a fool for wanting to look ‘strong, powerful, attractive’.

Between you and me, I think the male ego is sometimes a ridiculous thing.

Today, I acknowledge my frailties, my vanities and my weaknesses. We all have them, and I hope by sharing mine with you, you will come to just a little greater knowledge of yourself, as I did today.

Because after all, according to the lady behind check-stand number 2, I’m old, so I think I should be wise.

May we all grow to a grand old age, and use that discount as many times as we can.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Covenant of Compassion

The Covenant of Compassion

Are you compassionate? I know, it’s a loaded question, because it goes right to the heart of your opinion of yourself. If you say yes, then you can relax in the belief that you are a good person, and if you say no, then you identify yourself as ‘a monster’, and who wants to do that? 

So most of us reside somewhere in the middle, believing ourselves to be compassionate, while admitting privately in the dark corner of our soul that we could probably be more so.

But what about compassion for yourself?

This is where things get really difficult, because for so many, the concept of self-compassion strays dangerously close to the land of self pity, with its notions of weakness, laziness and self indulgence in our least empowering emotions. 

Rather than ride the separation between self compassion and self pity, we find ourselves striving to ignore our own needs, telling ourselves to ‘deal with it’ and get on with things.

And we treat ourselves the way we would rarely treat another.

In denying ourselves the compassion we hope to give others, we force ourselves to suppress the emotions that we really should take time to examine, experience and expunge. Then, when we have worked through the emotional in its fullness, we can move forwards. 

Instead of this, we bury our feelings deep, and distract ourselves with all the world, the internet, or the pantry has to offer.

We sow the seeds of a suppressed and saddened future when we fail to experience our emotions of today.

So I ask you to enter into a covenant with yourself. This will probably be harder than you would like to admit, but I feel it is so incredibly important. If you can master this one action, you can begin a process of changing your life in ways that you cannot imagine.

You begin by finding a quiet place for yourself, and bringing yourself into a state of compassion. How you do this may be very personal, but try to imagine the emotion of compassion flowing through you. Take a few deep breaths, and see yourself in your mind’s eye. Flood that image with compassion, kindness and understanding. 

Then, when you feel love for the person who you see, bring to mind a painful emotion that you have experienced, usually something that is still hard to accept. It may be the breakup of a deeply intimate relationship, or the passing of a loved one, or a moment in your past that still hurts deeply today.

Now, while holding the image in your head, allow yourself to feel the emotion that hurts you in a place of safety, compassion and security. Allow the feelings to flow through you, and accept yourself within the compassion that you have exercised. Give space for the pain that you feel, without suppressing or stifling it. 

Have compassion for yourself as you allow the passage of the painful emotion through you, that it may pass beyond you and free you from your burden.

This is a simple exercise to learn, yet a difficult one to master, and you may have to revisit an event or a memory many times in order to cleanse the wound, and clear your memory. 

The more you practice the Covenant of Compassion, you will find your heart becoming more joyful as you lay to rest the difficulties that you carry, and allow yourself to become lighter, and full of light.

May you carry yourself in a covenant of compassion, and share what you have found.

May we enlighten the world together, and may your find peace on your journey.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Naming the un-nameable

Naming the un-nameable

In the old magics, way back in the dawn of our beliefs, it was believed that knowing a true name would give you power over a demon. Once you knew its name you could discern its weaknesses, and have dominion over it. This idea, of knowing a name, goes back through fairy tales, through literature, and through our common history.

And there is some truth to it, but not in the way the storytellers would have you believe.

I have found that the true power of a name comes when we name our fears, and speak them openly. When fears reside only in the dark recesses of our mind, they have power to silently and surreptitiously influence our thoughts and actions, directing our desires from the darkness, and controlling our conduct in the light. 

Fears, it seems, are most powerful when you don’t quite understand them, but listen to them anyway.

And we all have them.

For many years, for far too long, I have let the fears of my childhood live with me as an adult, and it has caused so much misery and heartache. Each morning as I awaken, in my very first moments, they whisper to me, telling me that I cannot succeed, that I will never be ‘good enough’, that I will always let people down. 

And I struggle to face these fears, because they strike at the very heart of my soul. Embedded there for so long, they are a product of a childhood that taught me that I can never be good enough. 

The child that was left alone, and never helped to form a strong, positive self image, grew into a man who is so afraid of the censure of others that he avoids conflict and the risk of being disliked. 

His fear is that the opinions of others will overwhelm him, and return him to that state of a young child who is alone, feeling unloved and unwanted. Even though he realizes at a conscious/logical level that this will not kill him, at an subconscious/emotional level, it feels like they will.

And so I realize, that the thing which holds me back, and prevents me from doing more, is the fear that someone, somewhere, will think badly of me. 

I am afraid both of the risk of failure, and also the risk of feeling the emotions that I try to bury and ignore, and the ultimate fear that I will end alone, lost, and abandoned because I have no true value to give.

And while acknowledging this, and realizing the truth of it does not change how I feel right now, it at least allows me to understand what is really happening in the depths of my mind, in the core of my soul. 

These fears, which have influenced every choice, and directed every decision, are the ones I must face every day.

Bringing my fears out of the darkness and into the light, and naming them, explaining them, allows me to see what they really are, and in that knowledge, I am able to see them clearly, and hopefully find a way to allay them, and work through them.

Naming your fear, acknowledging it and accepting it are the first steps on the road to overcoming it.

So I name my fear ‘abandoned’, for that is truly what I fear most.

And I wonder, what name would you give to your fears?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Fail, Repeat, Succeed

Fail, repeat, succeed.

Let’s be honest, I’m going to fail. In starting a new journey today, I am anticipating and accepting that I am going to make many, many mistakes. Some of those mistakes will be small, and some of them are going to sound terrible. 

Those around me may beg me to stop, and there will be days when I am going to work on this journey despite more pressing matters. Times when I ignore everything else, and lose myself in the unbridled joy, frustration and insanity that is learning a stringed instrument.

I just became the owner of a new cello.

Which is a ridiculous thing, in that I have very little musical talent, and even less musical experience. I might sing in the car (when I’m by myself) but that doesn’t mean I’m any good at it. Yet for reasons that are not quite clear to me yet, I am possessed of a dream to master the cello. 

So I’m going to move forward, secure in the knowledge that I am going to sound terrible for a long, long time.

And I’m ok with that.

In the past, the inadequacies that I bring to this journey would have stopped me cold, and dissuaded me from ever embarking on such a foolhardy endeavor. Yet now I am able to accept those inadequacies, and welcome them along on the journey. 

While they may prove an inconvenience for a time, I am choosing to believe that eventually they will either fall away or dwindle in despair as I outgrow them, layering skill upon talent with hours and hours of practice.

Or, they may succeed, and I might give up. Who knows.

What I do know is that I will be ok with whatever happens, because I am invested in the experience, and not in the outcome. I have no idea if this is something that I will come to love, or just to experiment with, or eventually to lay aside and move onto something else.

And I can tell you that there is incredible power in allowing myself the freedom to do whatever feels right. If I am practicing, and it sounds bad, who cares. This is for me, not for anyone else. If I succeed, and become proficient, it’s still only for me. 

I’m never going to perform in public, so I can play for myself and enjoy the process, rather than the performance. And if I decide that I am going to give it up, well, it will have been an adventure, and a journey of discovery.

By accepting whatever comes, I free myself from the pressure and the pain of an expectation. If I sound bad, that’s ok. If I sound great, well that’s ok too. 

The only way I can lose out is if I allow myself to become so concerned about how anyone feels about this journey that it impacts my freedom to feel however I feel about it.

Because in the end, I alone am responsible to myself for this experience.

Just as you are responsible for yours.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The shield that becomes a shroud

The shield that becomes a shroud.

Many years ago, I discovered a very powerful weapon. It could protect me from so many threats, so many hurtful and painful things. I stumbled across it quite accidentally at a very young age, but once I used it for the first time, it became a part of me. 

It was mighty, and it was swift to the fight, and easy to handle. Since that time I have carried it with me forever, and it has sheltered me from so many things that were hard to bear.

Like self awareness, self honesty, and growth.

It also shielded me from change, and from admitting I was wrong, and making amends. All those tiresome and troublesome activities that never seemed to be what I wanted to do, even when I knew it was what I should do. 

This weapon, this shield, was my ultimate escape, my refuge from reality and my hideaway from honesty.

A shield made of self pity is the most devastating weapon I have ever carried, for it has hurt me like no other.

Let’s face it, self pity feels good. There’s nothing like feeling sorry for yourself to give you a sense of significance. 

If the world, or all its people, or God or the universe or whomever, whatever, whenever and wherever are all being unkind to you, well then you, my friend, must be someone important, someone who matters, someone special. Not only that, but you are a victim, who has been treated badly and who is due some recompense by everyone and everything.

That’s what makes self pity so addictive, and like most addictive things, it will kill you if you let it.

I wasted years of my life feeling sorry for myself. Yes things were hard, but others had come through harder. Yes it could be viewed as unfair, if I scrunched my eyes up so much that all I could see was my own sad little life.

Yes, there were people in my life who were not treating me as well as they could have done, but none of that matters one bit.

Because the universe doesn’t care. It doesn’t give out handouts or freebies or do-overs. Life is here, now. Brutal, beautiful, fierce, funny, hellish, honorable, terrifying, timeless.

And life is what you are wasting when you hoist a shield of self pity. 

I’ll take one thing back. The universe does give you one thing. It’s called today, this life, this moment. 

Unfortunately, that opportunity also looks a lot like hard work, with a chance to fail on the side. 

But since that looks a lot like something hard and difficult, we just raise that shield one more time, and block out the chances to feel better, to live longer, to find joy in our journey and to give to those around us.

The real danger of this shield is that eventually, if you keep using it every day, it will become the shroud that they bury you in. 

Because a shield of self pity cannot protect you from death, it can only protect you from life.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Peace has a price

Peace has a price.

What does peace mean to you? Is it just silence or the absence of noise? What if I told you that you can have peace in the middle of the loudest room, or the noisiest child? 

Would you believe me, or think I was crazy. It all comes down to what your definition of peace really is.

And what you are prepared to pay for it.

I met a man a couple of years ago who so deeply impressed me. He was older than I am, yet he seemed more vital, and more alive than I felt. His hair was thinning, and he had no particular form that was outstanding. 

You could pass him on the street and never know that you were in the presence of someone wonderful, someone compassionate, someone who could change your life.

Yet he left an impression on me that was riveting, and to this day I still regard him as one of the greatest people I have ever met.

There was a calmness about him, a humility and an overall peace that seemed to flow from him. In his presence it was hard to be angry, because you never felt threatened. 

It was easy to feel heard, because he truly wanted to know about your life. It was painless to take his advice, because it truly felt like he was sharing the gift of his experience, his knowledge and his wisdom out of a true desire to serve, to help and to heal.

It was easy to be at peace with him, because he was at peace with himself.

Ever since meeting him, I have tried to emulate his goodness and strength. In talking with him, I found that he has studied for many years, learning his wisdom line upon line, precept upon precept. 

Never hiding away from the truths that required him to pass through difficult times, and always being willing to pass on what he had learned with others.

In talking to him, I sensed that this was not something that had come easily to him, and he had experienced his share of pain, of sadness and of struggle. Yet he had allowed them to remove the rough edges from his soul, rather than harden him into a person he didn’t want to be.

And the person who was left has helped so many people.

I learned from him that peace is possible, if we are willing to do the work. It’s hard, sometimes so much harder than we thought possible, especially in the times when it seems so counter-intuitive. 

But this man has come to know himself, and make peace with himself, in a way that I am trying to emulate every day.

This work, which has become more than I could have ever imagined, is a part of that emulation. Through it, I seek to understand myself, and at the same time try to help others. 

It’s what he would do.

Through it, may we all find a greater peace, and a greater love.

Together.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Your struggle does not define you

Morning Reflection: Out of Alignment

Out of Alignment.

Do you ever feel lost? Like somehow you’ve detoured from the path you are supposed to be taking, but you can’t work out how to get back, or even what the path is supposed to look like when you are on it. 

You only know that there is this feeling, this nagging awareness, that you are not following the best way to get to where you want to be.

If you even know where that is.

Over the last 2 years I’ve been trying to find a new pathway. The journey began during a very stressful time in my life, where it felt like everything was changing (or was it falling apart, because that was certainly what it felt like). 

In a moment of desperation, or inspiration (hard to tell the difference sometimes) I mapped out some ideas on a post-it note. I even added graphics, which if you’ve ever seen my attempts at drawing, well, you’d understand why that doesn’t happen too often.

I still have that post it note, and I can’t tell if it’s inspired, or insane.

In the middle of my fear, I was searching the future, trying to find the thread that would lead me into where I wanted to be, which honestly at the time was almost anywhere other than where I was. 

For the last 2 years (or maybe a lot, lot longer than that) I’ve been living with these feelings of not being in alignment with my purpose, or my skills, or however you want to describe it. It just doesn’t feel right, and I can't even tell what right would feel like anymore. 

It feels like I’m traversing deep valleys, where the mountains are so high that it blocks my view of everything.

Occasionally, there is a moment where a single ray of light shines through, and I can hope that I am moving forwards. Even more rarely, a flash of lightning lights up the sky, and I can see a possible pathway that I try then to follow.

But honestly, most of the time, I feel like I’m floundering; wading through the world without a clear understanding of where I am, or why I am here. Secretly terrified that I am missing the point of my purpose, or honestly, if I even have one.

My hope is that somewhere out there is a moment where things make sense. When all of the past comes into focus, and I realize why I am here. I feel a deep, fervent desire to make a difference, to help, and to inspire, yet I struggle understanding how to apply whatever gifts I have been given. 

It seems that when I am helping others make profound changes, that my purpose resonates within me, begging me to go forwards.

But more often than not I stumble, out of a fear that another pathway will turn out to lead me nowhere better, or that my own personal demons will stop me on the way.

I have come to believe that the answers are deep inside of me, buried under years of despair, sadness and frustration. I have to seek for them, often digging on my knees with bloodied knuckles and tears.

The universe, it seems, does not give up its secrets willingly.

I write this today in the hopes of helping someone understand that we all struggle. If you feel like the battle you are fighting is your own, you may be right, but I would hope that you would understand that we all have our struggles, our challenges, our fears.

It’s like that for us all. Struggling doesn’t make you wrong. It means you are human.

You are one of us.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: “Til this moment, I never knew myself."

“Til this moment, I never knew myself”.

The world shifts. That moment, that amazing moment, where the mental clouds part, the light shines, and you suddenly burst into a new understanding about yourself and your place in the universe. 

It can be either exhilarating, or terrifying. I’ve been there when people have either erupted in a sudden smile of pure joy, or lowered their heads and wept profusely.

It can be that powerful, or that painful.

The title of today’s work comes from the novel Pride and Prejudice. The protagonist, Miss Elizabeth Bennet, arrives at a difficult moment of self awareness, where she realizes that both her judgment and her conduct have been subject to the whims and waves of her ego, and not from a place of balance, honesty and truth.

Finding out how blind you have been can be a devastating experience. 

As one who prided herself on her good judgment, discovering that she was as fallible and easily misled as any other person was a hard truth for Elizabeth to bear. 

Once she had accepted it through, she was able to change both her thoughts and her behavior, and ultimately experience greater joy and happiness. I realize it’s only a novel, so the ending is going to be ok, but I have seen this happen time and time again with people who I have helped.

It just takes a moment of awareness, and the humility to make changes.

All of us are, in some way, blind to ourselves and our actions. Unless we train ourselves, and practice diligently, most of us operate on a level that is basically automatic; not questioning our motives or discovering our unconscious desires. 

People who have arrived at an advanced self awareness usually do so as a result of a painful situation that forces them to examine themselves at a deeper level.

But you don’t have to wait for a bad day (or week, or month, or year) to start on your journey.

You can begin by watching how you react to any situation, and asking yourself if your emotions and your behavior were proportional to the stimulus. 

Find yourself yelling at the person who cut you off…that’s a clue. Discover that you are incredibly nervous in a social situation that has no potential for harm…that’s a clue. Realize that you are angry with someone who really doesn’t deserve it…there’s a clue. 

Now ask yourself the powerful question – what’s the damage?

Every disproportionate reaction, every imagined slight and unnecessary anxiety come because in some way you perceive something, someone or some situation as a threat. 

Understanding why you see it that way can help you to realize the underlying wounds in your soul, and then you can begin a journey of healing towards who you were meant to become.

It’s all waiting for you, if you will only just begin.

And if you aren’t beginning, maybe you need to ask yourself why not. ;)

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The shackle of should

The shackle of should.

Oh my gosh – it’s like an epidemic. I can’t tell you how many times I have worked with someone, or even just been talking to someone, and had to help them through the insanity that is the word ‘should’. 

I think without exception, EVERY person I have ever coached has suffered from this. It robs them of joy, of perspective, of happiness and even of the kindness that they desperately try to give back into the world.

The power of that one single word, ‘should’, is terrifying.

Because no matter how well your day is going, if you think it ‘should’ be better, or it ‘should’ be different, then you will remain unhappy, despite all that is going on around you. 

Or maybe it’s that you’ve done a great job, but you feel it ‘should’ be better, then you’ll lose all self respect in a desperate desire to match up to some imaginary guideline.

It just never stops.

A good friend of mine suffers from this. Blessed with three amazing daughters, who are all strong, independent and wonderful women, she nevertheless struggles because she thinks they ‘should’ love each other better. 

Like any siblings they have their issues and complications in their relationships with each other, but my friend loses out on the wonder of her daughters, because they are not as close as she thinks they ‘should’ be.

So I would ask her – who sets the rules.

Because most of the time, I find that ‘should’ is really a cover for a something different. Maybe it’s really a desire to obtain respect or admiration from someone who struggles to be kind with others. 

Or maybe it’s because someone feels a need to live up to a sibling or some imagined standard set by a figure in their life. 

At worst, ‘should’ is the desperate prison for someone who has been hurt so much in their life that they feel like they have no worth, and ‘should’ have no worth, so they set themselves impossible standards that they are never going to achieve, so that they can fail, like they deserve.

As one of my favorite authors once wrote – “you don’t need whips in your hands when they have chains in their heads’.

That’s what ‘should’ really is – a chain that keeps you from peace and fulfillment. If you struggle with this, and most people do, I would challenge you to dig deeper and try to understand what it is that you are really trying to achieve. 

Almost anytime I have to help someone overcome a ‘should’, it’s because they are really seeking for the significance that comes from meeting a standard not set by them, and often not one they would set for someone else.

Please, unchain yourself from the shackle of should, and instead find gratitude and appreciation for every day in your life that can be filled with joy and happiness, if only you can learn to see if that way.

If you learn to live without ‘should’, you’ll be amazed at what you can see.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Falling Leaf Perspective

The Falling Leaf Perspective.

A single leaf is all it takes. That first leaf, tumbling and twisting downwards, warning not only of many more to come, but of the changing of the season from summer into fall. 

As the sun retreats, and the winter signals its approach, the leaves fall like rain. The stronger the wind, the faster they descend in multi-colored splendor that decorates the ground in a crisp, crinkling blanket of color, warmth and comfort.

And a reminder, that another season has changed.

As I watch the leaves this year, I feel like each one is a reminder of a year gone by, a chance not taken, an experienced missed, a moment of life than can never be returned. 

As the leaves settle on the earth, I see a pattern of life discarded and forgotten, as the tree has moved on from the leaves it grew with such abandon.

So often do we do the same with the days for which we have waited.

How long have you planned, fought, saved and struggled for a day in the future that may be as brief as the passage of the falling leaf? If we are not careful, we spend our days struggling to reach a tomorrow that we may never achieve, or find that it is over all too quickly. 

The falling leaf teaches me that life is short, and I should take the time each day to find joy, gratitude and forgiveness.

But the lessons of the leaf are far from over.

For each leaf is also a testament to the beauty and majesty of nature’s creation. While the leaves may differ in color, in size, and in shape, they are all perfect in their own way. 

And so I realize that each person, like each leaf, has value beyond measure, and is perfect in their sphere. Maybe, like the leaf, they are one of many, yet I can notice the individual and find value and perfection in the person, despite their tendency to disappear into the crowd.

A single leaf, like a single life, is a revelation, and a reminder.

As you approach this season change, I invite you to spend a few minutes outdoors, and if you can, find a pile of leaves to walk through. Allow the sound, smell and sensation to carry you back to a childhood memory, and once again view the world with wonder and awe.

For each leaf is an emblem, an epiphany, and an epitaph.

The emblem of the seasons changing, the epiphany of the magnitude of your life, and the epitaph of all that has gone before, never to return. If you allow it, a single leaf can fill your soul with gratitude, and allow you to see anew all that surrounds you in its glory.

A single leaf, a single life.

Make of it what you desire.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The State of Your Choice

The State of Your Choice.

How many states have you been in? Whenever I ask people this question, they inevitably start listing off how many of the different states in the United States of America they have visited. 

I understand the reasoning, but it’s the wrong answer. Then I ask them what state do they live in, they usually answer with one or two words. Again wrong, but I can see how they got to that answer.

Because most people think of states in terms of geography, not emotion.

Yet it turns out that there are a lot of similarities between the two. As there are many states of land, there are also many states of emotion. I read one time of a list that mentions 131 different emotional states. 

Exhausting thought isn’t it. 

While some geographical states are similar to others, there are also those states with whom they appear to have little in common. The same is true of emotional states, where there are both similarities and differences.

But it’s also true that visiting, or taking up residence in a state is a choice. A voluntary choice.

Ok, put down your pitchforks. I know that my last statement tends to make some people very angry, so I would ask you to read the emotions that you felt when I told you that it was voluntary. 

Did you feel a quiet acceptance, or a sudden anger? Did you immediately jump to telling me why I was wrong? If so, you might find the next statement kind of hard to take as well.

We choose our emotional states based on what we get out of them.

Please hear me clearly, because this is a difficult thing to understand. I am not talking about people who suffer from depression, that is a totally different matter. But in the case of someone who routinely, habitually chooses to be in a certain emotional state, they invariably do so because they are getting something out of it. 

It is a reaction for them, born out of pain, and confusion and sorrow, and it is often so ingrained that they are completely unaware that there is a choice.

And there never will be, unless they decide to increase their awareness, and find out why they choose the way that they do.

Please understand that I am not judging them. I was one of those people for so long, and the first time I heard this truth I reacted against it pretty nastily, because believing that I didn’t have a choice about my emotional state freed me from the responsibility of managing it. 

Also, consistently feeling like the victim (hard to admit but true) gave me a sense of significance, and certainty, and connection.

I was choosing my emotional state based on what I got out of it, not what I could get out of it.

Your emotional state IS a choice, and one that allows you to either stagnate or grow; find anger or find peace. When you truly understand this, you will have started the journey to becoming a person who chooses their emotions out of awareness rather than out of fear. 

You will find a different person staring back at you than you ever thought possible.

And who knows, you might just find some joy along the way :)

—Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Who looks at you in the mirror?

Who looks at you in the mirror?

Who are you? I don’t mean your name, because that can be changed. I don’t mean where you came from, because that is just history. What you do – that’s either your passion, your pain, your prison or your predicament. 

What I’m asking today goes so much deeper than that. I’m talking about the consciousness inside of you that watches you.

And always has.

When I was 17, I was a pretty troubled kid. I had a lot of anger inside of me, and also fear, confusion, sadness, loneliness and doubt. I acted out in stupid ways. Skipping school, angry outbursts. 

I even remember one day sitting alone in my bedroom, repeatedly plunging a knife into my mattress. No, I wasn’t imagining anyone. I honestly wasn’t really thinking at all. I was just finding some way to relieve the pain I was feeling.

That’s when I really became familiar with the consciousness. 

I became aware of myself watching myself. Or should I say the other self… I’m still not sure? But I realized that the me that was watching me was concerned. It was if I could hear the other me saying gently “Alan, I’m not entirely sure why you are doing this, but this is not normal, and you have to figure this out”.

Although it was me, it was also not me, in that this was not the me who was in pain, and struggling to find answers.

This was a different me. Wiser, older, detached from the emotions that were causing so much pain, and able to see what I could not, because I was in the middle of the storm.

Whereas he was beyond all that.

Since then I have come to realize that my consciousness is not always me. I know that sounds crazy, it does as I’m writing this, but there have been times when I see myself while I am myself. 

It happens more and more now, this continual analysis, this watchfulness, this continual education from someone who seems to know me better than I know myself.

As he has come to know me better, and I have come to listen closer, and trust more deeply in him, I find myself growing older, hopefully wiser, and more at peace with myself and the universe that I find myself in.

Now as I look in the mirror, I can almost see both of us at the same time. Me, and the me who watches me. Yet the more distinct we become in the mirror, the less distinct we become inside my soul. Maybe that’s a good sign, or maybe it’s not, I can’t be sure.

But I sense that the more I allow my consciousness to blend with me, I am finding greater peace, clearer purpose, compounding passion, and a greater sense of my power.

Not in a rule the world sense, but more of an ability to help, to heal, to comfort, console and guide.

As we/me merge together, we are both losing ourselves in the service of others, and I can’t help but think that’s a good thing.

So I would ask you today, who is watching you, and are you listening to them?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: 22

22

Many years ago, a relatively sane woman lost her mind. It was kind of tragic really. A college educated woman of sense, style and taste decided to throw away her good name, her reputation and a whole half of her bed. 

In a choice that was frequently deliberated and worried over, she decided to import her trouble from halfway across the world, immersing herself in a tidal wave of bureaucracy, paperwork and restrictions.

All in the name of…… Love?????

But this was no ordinary trouble that she had saddled herself with. Her co-workers questioned her judgment, sure that she was unwittingly playing a role in someone else’s ‘green card’ story. 

She had not known this man for long, and had not spent too many days in his company, and now she was inviting him into her home, her heart, her bank account and most importantly, her library!

Surely this was going to go wrong?

Yet she persisted in her folly, extolling his good qualities (or making them up) and proclaiming that this was indeed true love (or something close enough to be worth rolling the dice on). 

In a moment of extremely poor judgment she had agreed to a proposal, and found herself married to a crazy man who would make her life stranger than she could ever think it would be.

That was 22 years ago this week.

In that time she stuck by her crazy husband through the storms of life. Through births and surgeries, the passing of a parent, prerequisites, graduate school, beginning a career, the decade of despair and the new and terrifying adventure of starting their own practice. 

She provided direction, organization, wise counsel and a listening ear. She never nagged, or spoke with derision.

And he always knew that he was blessed, and lucky, to have her.

Holly and I celebrate 22 years of marriage this week. I can honestly say that I have tried every one of those years to be worthy of her. I fear I have failed miserably on far too many occasions, but she is gracious in her patience. 

I am aware that without her, I would be lost, probably amidst an ever growing pile of unfinished paperwork and uncompleted projects.

She is the other half of my soul. I have been whole now for 22 years, and I pray it will continue that way.

So today I write of the greatest blessing that any of us can find, which is to share our lives with someone who balances us, and helps us to find peace amidst the madness that is this world. 

If you have found that person, I beg you to hold fast to them. If you are still searching, I pray you the courage to keep looking, and that your search be successful.

May you find the happiness I have, and may it continue all of your days.

I love you Holly, Thank you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The invisible wound

The invisible wound.

What don’t you remember? The question is paradoxical, but it’s perfect for what I want to share with you today. 

Because a truth that I see realized over and over again is that we often forget the events that shaped our lives, because they were the absence of something we needed, rather than the presence of something we didn’t.

Silence or absence can be as destructive as presence, especially since we don’t see the missing piece because we didn’t know it belonged there in the first place. 

There are so many examples of this that I despair at the work in front of us; at the healing that has to take place in the hearts of those who endure in silence, unable to explain what is wrong, unaware that something fundamental was missing.

So they suffer and struggle, not understanding why.
I see this most abundantly in the child who for some reason did not form a close attachment to a parent, or parents. 

They persist in life, following what they see as the rules, trying to find a way to lessen the aching discomfort that plagues them in their quiet hours. Despite whatever happiness they are able to scrape together, there is the overwhelming whisper of the soul that will not be silenced or satiated.

The longing for a connection, an acceptance, a wholeness, for peace.

A good friend of mine is experiencing a very hard time right now. Lost in a hell not of their making, they are aware that something is wrong, that at their very core a fundamental shift needs to occur. But they are frightened by the painful scars that cover the wounds they do not even understand are there.

A pain that has been with them so long they do not recognize it as anything other than who they are.

Because they are wounds of absence and silence. The absence of closeness, of friendship, of vulnerable sharing, of someone who has seen to the heart of them, and still accepts them anyway. 

The absence is caused not by the outside world, but by the inner world of a heart, mind and soul that cannot open to others because of a fear of vulnerability, of showing weakness, of not being enough.

So my friend will not reach out yet, and I have to respect that, even though I wish it were not so.

Today, I invite you to try to see the things you might not remember. Start by examining the way you feel, and find within your soul the difficult and painful areas that you want to avoid. 

There you will find the pathway that leads to a wound that must be cleansed, even if you don’t know how or when it began.

You just need to begin your journey toward peace.

And I will walk with you.

—Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Driftwood

Driftwood.

Sometimes life is like an ocean. It’s cold, dark, lonesome, and there just so much of it that you don’t know where you are going, or what is just over the horizon. 

Times where the waves seem so large, the wind so strong, and the pounding of the ocean so relentless that you just can’t imagine navigating another current, surviving another sea.

Abandoned.

You feel lost, alone, separated from all that you know, and find yourself eventually washed up somewhere different than you ever expected. A beach in life that you can’t seem to leave, and cannot understand how you ended up here. Others seem to walk by you, unaware of your presence, your pain, your suffering, your existence.

And you feel like driftwood.

As you try to find a moment of rest between the peaks and troughs of the never ending tides, you struggle to move forwards, wondering if time, life, the universe or anyone will be there to notice your journey. 

You lose faith in the things which were your lodestar, and find yourself drifting without direction, vision or destination.

Just another beach, different sand, another day.

As hope fades with the passing of each wave, you feel yourself wrapped not in a cloak of invisibility, but anonymity, where you are seen, but no one cares enough to know your name. 

The world rushes on without you, and you wonder why you ever thought that anyone cared. It’s almost easier to believe that, and give up on the hope that has sustained you through the darkest nights, the toughest storms, the deepest waves, the hardest times.

It’s so easy to give in, and just be driftwood in the ocean, washed alone on sand.

I am here today to ask you to believe again in yourself. 

For you have beauty, and worth, and grace and value. While the current may not be taking you places that you wish to go, there are still choices you can make of your destination. 

Although you cannot necessarily choose the sand upon which you are washed, you can choose to understand how you will always be noticed for the gifts you carry within you, and the kindness you radiate around you.

You can believe in you, and that will carry you where you need to be.

(For Pamela, who will always be noticed and always more than she believes.)

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Faith in what you don’t know

Faith in what you don’t know.

What do you believe in? No, don’t raise your hand, just keep the answer to yourself. Maybe it’s your faith in God, or your belief in reincarnation, or your belief in Karma. 

Whatever you believe in, today I’m going to ask you to believe in something that you might not have considered before.

Having faith in what you don’t know.

The longer I’m alive, the more things I find to challenge my beliefs in just about everything. Yet I’m also finding that I have faith in things that I have no idea about. Because in this crazy universe, there are so many things that we don’t understand, and things we don’t even know about that we don’t understand either.

Do I sound crazy yet? Keep going, I’m sure I’ll get there.

Three hundred years ago, if you had tried to explain to people that one cause of sickness was an organism, a life form, that was so small you couldn’t see it, people would have laughed at you, yet it was true. 

Imagine trying to explain to people back then that everything in your body was coded in your DNA, an organic datafile in your cell so small that we can’t see it. How do you think you would have been treated?

Straightjacket maybe…or worse! Yet both of those were true, and these truths have improved our lives.

As a Doctor, I am haunted by the realization that 200 years into the future, someone is looking back at me like I am an idiot, and trying to understand how I could be so ignorant as to miss a wonderful truth that to them is so self evident, and yet for me is a mystery.

But it doesn’t have to be that immense, it can be smaller things. I was born almost 5000 miles away, and at the time of my birth, if you had mapped out the way my life has turned out, people would have laughed at you, and said it was too fantastical to be true. 

Yet things which were unseen, and unthinkable, came to pass, and here I am.

Writing on a laptop that was unthinkable, connected to an internet that was unimaginable, so far away from home as to be unfathomable to me at that time.

Blessed with a wife and 2 boys who give so much joy and meaning to my life. 
It’s incredible and I didn’t know any of it.

So now, I’m learning to have faith in the things that I can’t possibly know. If you want you can call this optimism, but I choose to feel that it is more than that. 

The deeper I study into meditation, quantum physics and the power of intention, I am awed and amazed by the power that faith/intention has in this universe.

My belief that there are things that as yet completely unknown to me, and yet so great for me, allows me to invite them into my life, and by the very power of that intention help them manifest into being.

So today, don’t just have faith in what you know, spare a little faith for that which you don’t know.

Because it’s out there, and it’s going to be amazing.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Breaking Binary

Breaking Binary.

How do you find peace after a binary conflict? How do you find a balance in a situation where there are only two possible outcomes, and your preferred outcome is never going to make the other side happy? 

What can you do when the situation creates so much tension, animosity and hatred that the very idea of peace seems impossible, and the only option seems to be a continuation of hostilities until one side destroys the other?

We seem to be heading in that direction faster than we can possibly imagine.

This weekend I witnessed two conflicts. One of words, ideologies, philosophies and principles. The other was a conflict of strength, endurance, technique and violence. Both contests were bloody, one figuratively, one literally, yet both led to more anguish, hatred and threats of revenge and further violence. 

Indeed in one of these, the possible violence after the first conflict took less than a minute to manifest.

And it will probably not end there.

So how do we change this? How do we reverse this suicidal pathway that we seem to be driving down at full speed, completely unaware of destruction that awaits us? What can we do, in our own way, that will find a pathway through for all of us that allows us to find peace and harmony?

The answer is in the title of this piece, and in the way I structured the first and third paragraphs. We have to break binary (where there are only 2 options), and become one. 

In the first paragraph I used words such as ‘you, only, other’, words that denote a separation in a binary sense. In the third paragraph, I used words such as ‘we, us, all’, words that indicate unity, togetherness, wholeness.

Because unless we learn that we are inseparably connected to each other, and that my victory at your expense is no victory at all, we will continue to struggle and escalate our wars of words into a conflict of chaos.

When WE become ONE, WE have to discover outcomes that find balance for EVERYBODY. When WE become ONE, WE have to care about EVERYONE involved in the equation. When WE become ONE, WE lose OUR addiction to winning, and instead find the opposite of winning/losing, which is sharing.

But to do that, we have to be willing to give up our need to be better, to have it our way, to ‘crush’ our opponents, to ‘win at all costs’. 

We have to find enough peace, strength, courage and love in our hearts that we can reach out to those who consider themselves our enemies and be open and honest with them, finding ways through the storms we all face.

Because if you don’t have peace in your heart, how can you expect to lead others to it?

You can find your peace in the absence of anyone else, if you have the courage to seek it. Then, you can share it with others. Only together can we bind up the wounds of our world, and become who we are supposed to be.

Together as one.

If this has touched you today, please consider sharing this post. Hopefully together we can help heal the disconnect facing all of us.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Puppy Power

Puppy Power.

They’ve taken me over. Ever since I found this one live channel on YouTube, I’ve been taken hostage by the power of a cute nose, four paws and a tail that refuses to quit. 

In short, a whole screen full of the mayhem, insanity and absolute raw, unbridled energy that is a Labrador puppy. Never has anything quite so cute been capable of so much unintentional destruction.

The feed comes from the Warrior Canine Connection, an organization that raises and trains service dogs for Veterans. I love the mission of this organization, and how one dog can touch as many as 60 lives for the better. 

It’s magical to see these puppies from their birth to being ready to commence training. They are beyond cute, and knowing what they will accomplish in helping people just makes my heart sing.

And I just can’t stop watching. :)

There’s something about puppies that just make me go crazy, in a good way. I see those ears, and I just want to play with them. Their infectious enthusiasm makes me want to forget about everything and just jump into their playpen and go crazy with them. 

Their kindness and general lack of cruel intent encourage me to let down the barriers that we humans have developed, and just allow myself to return to the innocent state of being a child.

And that’s where I think their magic comes from.

Because their vulnerability and their innocence trigger something within us; cutting through the pain and the scars of age and experience, and piercing our souls to release the truth of who we were, and hopefully in some way still are.

Kindness, enthusiasm, energy, playfulness. Fun.

And I think so many of us have lost that inside of ourselves. Worn down by a world that can be cruel on any day, and absolutely vicious on a bad day, we seem to have lost our ability to return to our childlike state, and exist in a world of wonder and joy. 

The puppies seem to help me find a way back to that world, even though I don’t remember the way, and sometimes barely remember what it feels like.

So these puppies, who are being trained as service dogs, are already serving before they even know that it is they are about. They are leading me back to where I want to be.

Because in that state of wonder, I find the truth of who I am when all of my defenses are down. I remember that part of me that can accept another human being without requirement or judgment. 

The part of me that is not scared to share anything and everything in the cause of helping another. The deep well of compassion and caring that can so easily be covered by a need to protect myself at all costs.

It’s where I need to return time after time, so that I can connect with my passion, my power and my purpose, and find the humbling thrill and joy of living in childlike wonder and peace.

All I have to do to find myself there, is follow the puppies.

Leading me home.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings