Morning Reflection: Mind the Gap

Mind the Gap

If you’ve ever traveled on the Tube/Subway in London, you probably heard this statement over the intercom. When a train pulls into a station, there is sometimes a gap between the edge of the platform, and the door of the train. 

The phrase “mind the gap” is supposed to remind people not to get their foot stuck in the gap, because obviously that could really ruin your day.

Hence the phrase “mind the gap”.

But there is a gap in your mind that is far more dangerous; which causes so many problems for people, and is routinely ignored by most of us. It’s the gap that should exist deep in our mind and as a part of our souls, but is mostly ignored, or even worse, unacknowledged. 

When treated properly, this gap is responsible for our most profound growth, and when we ignore it, we fall prey to our greatest weaknesses.

I’m talking about the gap between observation of an event, and the meaning that we ascribe to it.

For much of my childhood and young adult life, I was ignorant of the gap. I saw no choice in the emotions that ruled me. When something happened, I reacted. That was all that I knew. 

I was ignorant of how my underlying feelings manipulated how I created meanings from events, and that ignorance cost me greatly in both time and money.

And yet when I was first introduced to the gap, I fought against the concept.

Because there is a certain simplicity and lack of responsibility in living without the gap. If I have no choice in my feelings, then I have no responsibility for them, and there is a sense of freedom that comes when living without responsibility. 

Of course it’s a lie, but it’s one that feels right at the time, because it allows us to fill so many emotional needs with the lies that our brain conveniently supplies for us.

Filling our needs with emotional lies is the very opposite of awareness, but it is so tempting to indulge.

When we first become aware of the gap, it’s hard to accept that we have that responsibility, especially when you come to understand that magnitude of it. 

Once you accept the path of self-awareness, of self-responsibility, then you take ownership not only of what you do, but of what you think. You begin to realize your responsibility to the world to show up as the very best you that you can, and it all starts by accepting your responsibility for your own gap.

With apologies to Mr. Armstrong, accepting responsibility is one small step for you, but one giant leap for your awareness.

And the more aware we become, the wider that gap expands, and we gain control over our interpretation of what our life really means.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Growing Pains

Growing Pains.

Do you ever wish that growth wasn’t so painful? I do. In the times of my life where I have grown the most, it’s usually been accompanied by a fair degree of struggle and discomfort, and sometimes some fairly intense pain. 

Maybe that’s because I waited to change until the consequences were so painful, that it was easier to bear the pain of growth rather than the pain of not changing. Or maybe there’s always some struggle associated with changing yourself.

But honestly, I’m starting to believe differently.

I’ve found recently that there are changes that you can make that have no pain associated with them, other than the pain you are giving up. Changes that can be so profound that your whole life can pivot in an instant, and find an alignment with your future. 

The changes can seem incredibly hard, but in reality it’s a simple choice, a single decision, one solitary moment.

And you simply ‘let go’.

Letting go is one of the greatest techniques to moving forward in life, but it can be difficult to do. I was once incredibly blessed to help coach a woman with a difficult adult child. This brave woman had spent so many years trying to ‘help’ her adult child through legal problems, and behavioral issues. I began coaching her after seeing her in tears, and desperate to understand how she could ‘save’ her child.

You can image how I felt when I had to tell her that she couldn’t.

In one incredibly powerful, and very humbling coaching session, we managed to find a way for her to ‘let go’ of her need to ‘save’ her child. This came about after I helped her to see that in trying to ‘save’ her child, she was really trying to justify the years she had spent in an abusive marriage. 

Once she realized, through tears of understanding, that she could never change what the past was, she was able to actually serve her child as a mother by helping her child through the process of suffering the consequences of their actions.

I’ll never forget her inspiring example of courage and true love when she let go of her own personal needs, and served her child in the right way, even though it was momentarily painful for her to do so. 

Once she ‘let go’ of her own needs, you could see the pain leave her body. She changed from a desperate, crying, hurting and forlorn woman into a resolute, strong determined and powerful mother who made the correct choices for her child, knowing that it was the right thing to do.

All because she was able to let go.

Today, I invite you to look deeply into your soul and see what you can let go. Maybe it’s your need to be right all the time, or to seem like you know something when you really don’t. Or maybe it’s your need to be ‘successful so you can finally have a sense of self worth’. 

Maybe it’s your need to receive an apology from someone who is never, ever, going to see it your way and apologize.

There are so many things in our lives that we can ‘let go’ of and find a greater joy, a deeper peace, a sweeter resolution. May you find your pathway to letting go today.

And may it bring you joy.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrmusings

Morning Reflection: Climbing Out

Climbing Out.

As the plane sits at the end of the runway, there’s this sense of anticipation. I feel the vibration of the engines through the seat, and await that moment where the pilot pushes the throttles forward, knowing that I’m going to feel that pressure in my back as we accelerate down the runway. 

As we reach takeoff speed, I close my eyes and allow the emotions of joy and gratitude overtake me as our wheels leave the ground, and we are climbing out, climbing away, climbing into forever.

We have not wings, yet we can fly. What greater testament to ourselves than that.

Yet I didn’t always feel this way. My original love of flying was destroyed after a particularly turbulent flight from Los Angeles to London over 20 years ago. 

Although the Captain assured us we were perfectly safe, I remember being huddled in my seat as the plane shook and rattled all around us. For a portion of time, I was convinced that I was experiencing my last few hours on this good earth.

And it changed me.

Anticipation was replaced by anxiety. Joy replaced by terror. A sense of wonder was swallowed up in an overwhelming, suffocating feeling of helplessness as I realized that my life was dependent upon the skill of the pilot and those who had assembled the aircraft. 

Although the plane arrived in London essentially unchanged, a seed of fear was sown in my heart. It was watered and nourished by a flight on our honeymoon, and years later by a horrendous flight into Reno that probably made a pilot’s highlight reel.

But I was determined not to allow this fear to control my life.

I learned a long time ago that the antidote to fear is knowledge, and so I began learning. I would listen to air traffic control here in Boise while working. I watched video after video on YouTube. 

I came to understand how a plane flies, how rigorous the testing is, and how many planes fly each day without incident. I visited an air traffic control tower, and talked with many pilots.

And in a strange quirk of fate, fear changed to love.

I really fell for flying the day a very kind friend flew Holly and me to lunch in his plane, and allowed me to fly it for a few minutes. I can’t really describe how it felt, other than to say that I’ve never felt more at peace, and genuinely calmer and happier, than in that cockpit that day. 

Watching the world pass by, we saw this wonderful planet in a way that I had never done before. There’s nothing like the view from the cockpit to remind you of just how fragile life on this planet is, and how we are so blessed to experience every day.

In the words of the great Felix Baumgartner “sometimes you have to get up really high, to see how small we are”.

Now I look forward to every flight with a sense of wonder, of gratitude and amazement. For we who are born without wings are able to soar higher than those who have them, and we can see beyond the horizon into the eternities.

How blessed we are. How blessed we are.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Alignment of Light in the Dark

The Alignment of Light in the Dark.

Life is confusing, isn’t it? Because no matter how well you prepare, or how much experience you have, there are going to be those times when you are walking in darkness. 

Not literal darkness, although that can happen as well, but I’m talking about the darkness of direction, when you just can’t work out which way to move forwards, and every direction seems to be the wrong one.

Especially when you are journeying through your own soul.

It never fails to amaze me just how lost we can feel. Over the past 2 years, I’ve been trying to find the proper direction for my life; one that balances my skills with my desire to serve, with a need to provide for my family. 

For most of those 2 years, I feel like I’ve been running in different directions, but I keep running into the same type of walls in that darkness. Walls built out of fear, of procrastination, of uncertainty and especially of confusion.

And I struggle to see where I have made any progress.

Yet within that darkness, there are occasional flashes of light, when I feel like I could be on the right path. And very rarely, there comes a moment where the flashes of light align, and I can see somewhat of the pathway forwards. 

These alignments usually come as I strive to make a significant jump, and in times when I desperately need to move beyond where I currently am.

I have received such an alignment over the last couple of days.

From three separate, and very disparate sources, I received a flood of understanding. One is a man now in his later years, another a young woman with wisdom beyond her years, and finally a spiritual teacher who has lived a life so very different from anything I could have imagined. I doubt they know of each other, but together, they have helped illuminate my pathway beyond where I am right now.

And to each of them I feel a profound sense of gratitude.

But the philosopher in me struggles to find a sense of meaning in the actuality of the alignment. Is this grace from above, finding something that was always there, my intention drawing things into my orbit, noticing things that were always available, or just a random alignment of the universe? I wish I could stop asking questions and just take things at face value, but unfortunately that is not my way.

Mine is the path of eternal questions, and very little peace.

But although I can question the alignment and it’s source, I can still learn from the wisdom passed on to me through their words. 

And I am grateful for their contributions.

In 6 days time, I will have been writing this work for a full year. Whenever you have arrived here, I want you to know that I am so grateful for your presence on this journey. That my path has somehow intersected with yours is such a blessing to me, and I hope you have received something of value that has helped you along your way.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Thoughts You Call Home

The Thoughts You Call Home.

There’s somewhere you probably live quite often, sometimes without even realizing it. It’s always there, ready for you to move in any time you like. The rent is free (but terribly expensive), and you’ll never have to leave if you don’t want to. 

Best of all, it’s comforting and soothing, and you’ll always feel like you belong. You can build it anyway way you desire, and it will justify all of your emotions.

A simple little place called “Your Emotional Home”.

The concept of an ‘Emotional Home’ is not one I came up with, but from the moment I heard it, the truth made perfect sense to me. As I reflected on my own emotional home at the time, I realized that the foundation was made up almost entirely of self pity. 

I had built some of that home out of feeling like a victim, and some out of a sense of entitlement. The roof was made of a sense of superiority, and the garden was row upon row of excuses and justifications

I liked that home at first, but eventually I came to realize it was trap. I hope you’ve never been there.

I could live in it, and always feel like nothing was my fault. When I ran back to that house, I could close the windows and shut out the sound of the truths I didn’t want to hear. I could throw my own pity parties, and then feel badly treated when no one came by to wallow in my own self pity. 

The terrible thing about that home was that I always felt justified and vindicated, which were terrible barriers to my growth and happiness.

There’s nothing more dangerous than the vindication of your own weaknesses.

Thankfully, after living there for too long, I came to realize what residing there was doing to me. And so I took the big step of trying to move into a better home. It was, and in some ways still is, very hard work. I’ve had to try to lay foundations of humility and honesty. 

It turns out they are heavy burdens, but they make excellent stones upon which to build. The walls are coming together, with a combination of hard work, diligence and service. It takes a lot of bricks to build, but I am laying them time after time.

And slowly my house is coming together.

The roof is hopefully going to be shingled in a beautiful shade of service and giving. I’ve heard they can be difficult to carry up sometimes, and even more difficult to place properly. 

But I’ve been assured by some very knowledgeable people that the end result will make me very happy. I’m trusting them, which is also what I’m making the windows out of, so I can see the best of humanity, rather than looking for the worst.

I try to live in my new emotional home as much as possible. It’s hard sometimes, and I find myself accidentally moving back into my old home for a little while. It is getting easier to move into my new home each time, and I find myself longing for my old home less frequently.

That’s not to say that everything is easier in my new home, in fact it’s far from it. It’s just that my new home makes me much happier in the long run, and so I’m building, day after day, until my new home is complete.

And I’m curious. Where is your emotional home?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: So Quiet You Can Hear Your Soul

So quiet you can hear your soul.

If you and I were talking together after a long week, what would I hear? I don’t necessarily mean the words, although they would certainly be part of it. But I wonder what your body language would tell me, what the inflections in your tone would indicate, and what your expressive eyes would reveal to me, that would actually be a revelation to you.

Because usually we are so busy being who we think we are, that we never stop to actually listen to the sound of our soul, so that we can discover who we really are. It can be an uncomfortable experience, but trust me when I tell you that it can change your life.

But it requires silence to hear who you are.

Not necessarily the absence of noise, although that can help, or the elimination of visual distraction, although that’s definitely a plus. I’m talking about having your mind so quiet that you can hear your soul.

And that requires a special kind of silence. To truly listen to ourselves we first have to turn off our ego, that part of our mind that protects us from the difficult feelings we try our very best to avoid. Then we have to welcome the truth that can hurt, so we can discover that which can progress us beyond. 

And finally, we have to release all that we think we know about ourselves, so that we can clear our preconceptions, and learn with a mind open to all possibilities.

Sounds like a lot doesn’t it? It’s actually a lot harder than it sounds.

Because to truly listen to your soul, you have to go into the realm of understanding ‘how’ you work, not just what you are doing right now. By how I mean understanding that your awareness is different from your emotions, and that your knowledge is different from your feelings. 

Separating out those facets of your soul is tricky, and requires a gentle touch, a seeking mind, and a compassionate heart.

It’s like doing surgery on yourself, while forgetting you exist. I never said it would be easy.

But the good news is that you have forever to practice, and you will reap benefits from beginning your practice today. So I’d like to invite you to sit quietly and just listen to how you feel. Are you stressed, and if so, why? Are you happy, and if so, why? Are you angry, or frightened, or overwhelmed, or sad or any of the other myriad of possible states of being?

Or maybe it’s that belief that you have that’s holding you back, creating painful emotions every time you move forward.

Whatever you find, when you truly listen to your soul, you’ll be able to chart a course forward in your life that will sail you in the direction that your heart needs. Because ultimately, listening to your soul is the only way to discover the truth of who you really are.

And like they say, the truth will set you free, but it can also bring you peace.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Attraction of Authenticity

The Attraction of Authenticity.

As I was treating a patient in my office today, he remarked on some of the things that he finds enjoyment in. I wasn’t surprised when he indicated that he was looking forward to his next cigar, and a nice glass of Scotch. 

He asked me what I look forward to, and after a few moments of quiet reflection I informed him that what I really enjoy, what I absolutely love, is a deep, personal and authentic conversation.

Because I find authenticity to be an endangered commodity in our world today.

I’ve been thinking about that for the rest of the day, wondering why I felt moved to use the phrase ‘authentic conversation’. What is it about someone who is ‘authentic’ that really attracts us? Why do we struggle to be authentic ourselves? How do we let down the walls that we build to hide behind, and walk in the truth of who we are?

And the answers came in one simple word. It’s all about connection.

Because an authentic connection is a joy to our soul. How refreshing it is to be around someone who is just themselves. No games, no pretenses, and no lies to cover the truth of their tracks. The beauty of finding an authentic soul is the encouragement we feel in their presence. 

When they are honest about their faults and flaws, and are still able to be happy with themselves, they become a lighthouse for us, guiding us to the truth of who we really are.

And the discovery of ourselves is the pathway to peace in our hearts.

As we become a world more connected, we also seem to be creating a world where we are less authentic than we used to be. Social media allows us to spread the picture of a perfect life, full of joy and wonderful moments, where everyone seems to be fit and healthy, and where life is judged by the value of the house you live in, rather than the depth of love, compassion and honesty in your heart.

But there are souls out there who are just who they are, and they can light up your world.

One of my very good friends is also one of the most authentic people I have ever known. She is an embodiment of love, friendship and kindness wherever she goes. 

I think sometimes some people are not sure how to be around her, because her deep commitment to authenticity means that she is unabashedly emotional, and unashamedly honest in all her communications.

When she tells you she loves you, as she does to so many people, she means it. She really, really means it. 

And when I am with her, I find myself accessing my deeper, more authentic self. In her presence I can be open with the truths of myself, and discuss them in a way that brings greater understanding and joy to my life. 

As I am more authentic with myself, and with her, I find it is easier to speak of the hard truths in my life, and to grow from their discussion.

Authenticity is one of the keys to our growth, but it is also one of the keys to our happiness.

May you find joy on your journey today, and may the truths of your life bring you peace in all that you do, and may you find the courage to let your light shine, and be a little more authentic with everyone who you meet.

The world needs you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Presiding Principles of Peace

The Presiding Principles of Peace.

I’ve been meditating a lot this week on the concept of peace. Not the peace that is silence, although I crave that as well, but the peace that is the absence of conflict manifested in a stillness of a moment. 

A timelessness that suffuses all with a calm, eternal and encompassing presence of balance. In my thoughts, I have come to realize that peace is available to me, if I will choose to accept it.

But I find it hard to make the changes necessary to accept peace, instead of finding peace.

Because the thoughts and feelings that deny my acceptance of peace are deep, and powerful within me, and they will not yield easily. I find myself struggling with the concept of faith, both as an abstract conceptualization, and also as a belief that things will work out ok. 

In this I realize that I am fighting against the principle of non-control, which would allow me to release all interest in outcome, and simply be absorbed in the moment; finding joy in appreciating what is, rather than what I wish to be.

And control is one of my many emotional addictions.

I find myself constantly struggling against judgment, not necessarily of others, but more of myself. At a logical level, I understand that the act of judging is really an attempting at finding a sense of significance, and that this violates the principle of selflessness, which guides the peace seeker onto the path of humility and love. 

I find myself possessed of a constant underlying self judgment that keeps me focused on myself, even though negatively, and moves me further away from a sense of peace when I follow the principle of selflessness.

And the judgment, rather than the acceptance, of self is something that I contend with constantly.

Living in opposition to the presiding principles of peace is not something that I do willingly, yet I am haunted by the possibility that the choice is one that I could make, if only I could work through the next presiding principle, which is courage. 

I find that an interesting concept, that the choice to accept peace may be a courageous one, requiring a willingness to accept the balance of life as it currently stands, and not need or desire more.

As someone who grew up with less, I am haunted by a constant desire for more. It never rests, and so I get no rest.

And so if the presiding principles of peace are a willingness to believe, an ability to be humble, and the courage to accept life as it is, I ask myself why I cannot arrive at an emotional balance where these principles are a part of me. 

What holds me back from this acceptance that could lighten my burdens, and release me from the shackles of my struggles and strife?

And I am forced to admit that the thing holding me back is a fear that in giving up my emotional addictions to control, to selfishness and to desire, I will be baptizing myself into an eternal feeling that I will never be enough.

And so I struggle to find peace on my terms, rather than to accept peace on life’s terms.

And I wonder if I am wise, or a fool.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Humanity, in Perspective

Humanity, in perspective.

If you were to believe all that you see and read, we are a terrible species. In their rush to ratings, the news outlets bombard us every day with the salacious, the scandalous, the secret and the shocking. The louder the headline, the greater the viewers. 

Truth has fallen victim to greed, and kindness has been murdered by callousness. If you believe all that the media has to share with you, we as a people are not worthy of respect, are unworthy of graciousness and unable to control ourselves.

If you believe the media, and a good deal of social media, we are not worthy to survive.

And I can’t fully express how completely, vehemently, passionately and lovingly disagree with that message, and all it stands for. I am so tired of hearing only the bad about us, that I have in essence switched off from the ‘news’ media. 

Most of the things I see in the news are stories that I can do nothing about, and reading them does nothing for my soul, my peace and my happiness. Recently I decided that I would try to see good things every day, and carry those in my heart instead.

And you would be amazed at the things I have seen.

People who the media would deem unimportant and not newsworthy performing beautiful, courageous and moving acts of kindness in perfect silence. Seeking not their own gratification, or compensation, they give of their time, their talents, their wealth and their love. They lift up others, and move our species another step close to the peace that we all hope for.

And their stories go unnoticed, unless we ourselves share them with others, and glory in their goodness, their kindness, their beautiful humanity, their timeless compassion.

For we must be the media of the world in which we wish to live. We who have been gifted this wonderful invention of communication have upon us a responsibility to share that which uplifts, ennobles, edifies and engages. We must be the historians of Humanity, recording and revealing the essential elements of our shared selflessness. 

Our words of today can be the echoes of the future, pleading with those both then and now to move beyond the worst of who we could be, and evolving instead into the epitome of who we can be.

Because Humanity, despite the malevolent message of the manipulative media, is a species worth saving, worth cheering, worth fighting for. 

In our everyday acts of compassion, we reveal not only the sublime, sacred and saving nature that is inside of us, but we build the bridges, the bonds and the bastions of a civilization that can truly be civilized. 

Built upon foundations of respect, kindness, compassion and caring, we can share a brighter future, a greater tomorrow and a closer kinship one with another.

Today, I stand for humanity, and marvel at its potential.

Today, I invite you to cast down the lies of the world that tell us we are not worth saving, and instead lift up your voice as we champion not just the goodness we see, but the kindness that we don’t.

Because it’s there, inside each one of us. If we believe that we are better than we are told, then we will live to be the best of all we can be.

And I, for one, cannot wait to see that light made manifest in all its glory.

If these words have moved you today, I would humbly ask that you like, comment upon and share this post, so that we can move this work forward. I truly believe we can make a difference together.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrmusings

Morning Reflection: The Thief of Hearts

The Thief of Hearts.

She arrived 19 days ago, as a ball of fur. 11 weeks old, and everything a silver lab puppy should be. Precocious, energetic, possessed of a desire to chew everything, a tail that never stops wagging and an inexhaustible love of life. 

Oh, and incredibly food motivated. Maybe that’s all puppies, but I think she’s pushing the envelope a little.

And in those 19 days she’s taken over our hearts and our lives.

Since she showed up we’ve had shoes stolen, towels vanished, ears and noses nibbled (not bitten hard though) and a pair of yellow leather work gloves completely destroyed. I like to roughhouse with her, so I’ve sustained a fair number of scrapes and scratches. 

She’s never been left alone, in fact she’s never even slept alone yet. Even though we are crate training her, there’s always one of us out here on an airbed at night, and sometimes two of us.

And for us, it’s a joy and a privilege to be with her.

Maybe it’s the unconditional love that she extends to us every time we return after being gone, or maybe it’s the wonder of seeing a new life evolving, but I have to admit that each of us in our own way have fallen head over heels in love with this little girl. 

Even my wife, who has struggled with a fear of dogs all her life, is not immune to the wonder and joy that Cocoa has brought into our world.

And we already can’t remember what life was like without her.

I’ve been reflecting on her the last few days, and I’ve realized that our desire to have a dog, and the way we have become so smitten so quickly, is proof that we were really looking for another way to experience love in our lives. It was like we had so much love in our hearts that we needed another person to shower with love, and she has certainly given us that opportunity.

Love is the strangest thing – the more you give, the greater you receive.

And somewhere inside of me, the little boy who I remember being when we got our first dog has awoken. I find myself leaving just that little bit later to work, so that I can spend as much time with Cocoa as I can, and rushing home in the same manner. 

I am spending less time in my office at home, and more time being a chew toy. While it can be a little painful at times, I am loving every minute with our crazy little girl. 

I think she is good for my soul.

And I can’t wait for her to get bigger, so she can experience more of the world. How will she handle her first view of the ocean; what will she think when we take her into the mountains? What will it be like to have a driving buddy who has her nose out of the window, chasing smells and dreams? 

It feels like a new life has been entrusted to us, and I just want her to experience as much of the world as she can.

But wherever she goes, there’s one thing I think I can say with a deep certainty. She will have our hearts with her, because she has well and truly stolen them away.

And knowing her, there’ll also be a shoe, a towel or a glove along for the ride. She’s good at stealing them too :)

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Becoming Who I Already Am

Becoming who I already am.

Life is, without a doubt, a journey. A process of changing, growing, learning and ultimately becoming more than we were before. And yet recently I have been realizing, and reflecting, that everything that I am trying to become right now, is in some aspect someone who I already am.

If that sounds confusing, I understand, believe me. It makes little sense to me either.

But as I try to push myself out of my comfort zone and into the next evolution of my personality and possibilities, I am curiously aware that all I am doing is really adding skills and a sense of authenticity to the core facets of who I already am. 

In some ways, it’s like I’m trying to qualify myself in my head for something that I can already do, but am reluctant to do, because I feel I have not yet reached some level of achievement that gives me the ‘right’ to do or be whoever it is that I want to be.

And I think we all suffer from that sometimes.

I think that many of us search for those skills, or that ‘validation’ as a way to avoid what we feel could be “pushback” from both those who are around us, and those with whom we would interact in the role we are choosing. 

Yes, sometimes there are things that we need to ‘learn’ in order to qualify us to fulfill a certain role, but more often than not, we just need to see ourselves as who we truly are in order to realize who we really are.

Like I said, confusing. Allow me to share an example.

I have been writing this work now for almost a year. On December 11, 2018, I will have officially reached the one year mark. On that day, I will have written over 250 pieces of work, some of which seem to have helped people. 

Many wonderful people have left kind words of appreciation, and some have reached out further to let me know how this work has helped them in their struggles against depression, fear, anxiety and the cruel treatment they have received at the hands of others.

Yet, I struggle to see myself as a writer, and to see that this work has any real value.

And this is not the only area of my life in which I struggle. Just over a week ago, our family received news of a most distressing nature, which threatens to considerably change our lives in a way that we did not anticipate. 

In response to this, I find myself having to move out of my emotional comfort zone, and into a space that realistically I have been occupying for at least 2 years now. Yet the jump terrifies me, as my ‘emotional identity’ has not yet advanced to necessarily match my ‘actual identity’, and this next jump is, for me, more terrifying and concerning than any jump I have made before.

Because I don’t feel I am ready, but I no longer have the option to wait. I have to jump, now.

My hope, my foundation for believing that I have something to offer the world, is about to be tested in a way that it never has before. In making this move, I am going to be confronting demons that I have carried inside of me for over 30 years, demons that question my confidence, my competence, my sense of value and my sense of having a place in the world. 

For if I fail in this jump, I don't know what the landing will do to me. 

Yet I am mindful that this jump has always been waiting for me, and I have always had the option to take it. In some ways, this jump is the only way I will find a greater sense of peace, because if I make the jump in the way that I need to, it will open to me a world that I have hitherto been unable to walk in.

So this is me, trying to become the me who I hope I already am. I would appreciate any thoughts and prayers you can offer. I need them.

Thank you for being a part of this work, and my life. I truly appreciate you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Law of Equal Inequalities

The law of equal inequalities.

I know that sounds like an oxymoron. It probably is. But it’s also a law that I have to explain to people time and time again in my work as a coach, because we as a species are incredibly good at dismissing our own trauma out of some desperate need to avoid feeling like we are favoring ourselves. 

Instead of accepting our own pain, and processing it, we look around for somebody who has a more difficult situation and we utter those fateful words.

“I can’t complain”.

And we do ourselves a disservice, minimizing the trauma that we feel and ignoring all those emotions that we deem as unnecessary, or unworthy. 

Instead of experiencing them, and learning from them, we thrust them down into that place in our soul wherein lies all of the unmet dreams and unrequited feelings, and we pray that they will “stay in their place”. We ignore them, we suppress them and in return we fall victim to them.

Because we minimized ourselves and accepted both our suffering and our supposedly pious response as “righteous”.

Feelings don’t stay where we stuff them. Sure, we can try to push them down with platitudes and restrain them with ritual, but eventually in some way, in some place, those feelings will have their day. 

Usually at the most inopportune moment, and expressed in a way that elevates no one, the pain of the trauma that you tried to ignore will come back and it will bite you again and again.

Because that’s what it is, trauma. Just because somebody had it worse doesn’t mean you didn’t get hit, weren’t wounded and don’t need to heal.

It just means that you are trying to avoid feeling that pain so you find a way to minimize it in the hopes that you can lie yourself out of those feelings. Here’s a newsflash, that never works. 

The only way that I know to truly heal from trauma is to clean out the wound, and then try to provide the necessary love and care to ourselves as we slowly suture our hearts and minds back together.

But it will never happen until you have the courage to accept that what happened to you was traumatic, and show yourself enough love and compassion to allow yourself to space to feel.

I’m not saying it’s easy, because it certainly isn’t. In my own life and in the lives of people I’ve helped, I have seen the absolutely heart-wrenching outcomes of trying to suppress emotions that needed to come to the surface, and it’s never pretty. Sometimes it can take years or decades to finally reach a point where that pain is fully experienced, tears are shed and a heart finally begins to mend.

And in the meantime, years or decades of joy and peace are lost.

Today, I invite you to accept the reality of things that have been done to you, and stop minimizing your trauma by comparing it with that of somebody else. If you had been stabbed, and somebody else had been shot, you would still need to be treated and healed in order to continue living. 

Emotionally it’s the same, it’s just often a slower, more painful and much longer process.

But if you don’t start now, it will haunt you for the rest of forever.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Beyond

Beyond

We live in such delusion. Every day. We stand in the presence of miracles, of the infinite complexity of life, of the insane probabilities of anything even existing. While we fill our heads with knowledge that we claim to understand, we blind our mind’s eye to a much greater reality than we are prepared to accept. 

That there is so much more that we don’t know, that we can’t see, and that we can’t experience with our basic five senses.

And we run from the truth; that ‘out there’ is so much greater than what we have ‘in here’.

Why do we struggle sometimes to feel the waves of possibility stream through us? For all that has happened to me, both good and bad, I fight daily to see the potential that is before me, and within me, rather than accept the lies that my fears display across my soul. Yet sometimes it is so very hard to believe in what could be when we are surrounded by what currently is.

So we have to change our manner of seeing; moving away from our eyes, and into our souls.

And using our soul vision, we can see past all the weaknesses and wounds that hold us back, subtly whispering lies of destruction in our darkest hours. When we perceive with our spiritual gifts, we can begin to comprehend the majesty that is the human spirit, the awesome truth of our intelligence and the singular yet completely connected entity that is both us and everything.

If we truly see beyond our eyes, we will cast off this darkness and find the light that was always present, merely hidden from view because we looked rather than saw, perceived rather than experienced.

In our darkest hours, when the light seems to have failed us, it’s easy to become discouraged and see a future that only contains pain, suffering, darkness and sadness. It can take incredible amounts of courage to face all that the world has to throw at us, and still believe in the goodness, the potential, the possibility, the power and the majesty that life can bring. 

Sometimes it requires you to believe in yourself, when that’s the last thing that you want to do.

Often, the one who obstructs the light is the very one trying to see.

Today, I ask you to focus with me on the things that could be, the possibilities available in the universe, and the infinite potential that belongs to each of us through the gift of awareness. I invite you to close your eyes that you might see in vision rather than in light, and stretch your awareness out into the universe so that you might create something from nothing, and bring into existence that which began only in your soul.

For truly this world, this realm, this universe, is responsive to your soul, your energy and your vibration. When you can go beyond now, into the ‘now that is next’, you can influence the future, and possibly even the past, in ways that you cannot comprehend, but can only experience.

You just have to be willing to move beyond the lies of your fears, and into the possibilities of your potential.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Chaos Drop

The Chaos Drop.

I’ve always been fascinated and terrified by how fast life can change. A simple phone call can bring news that forever changes your future, either good or bad. Yet in my experience, I have come to believe that things fall apart far faster than they ‘fall together’. It’s kind of like that monologue by Sylvester Stallone in Rocky Balboa…

“But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forwards, how much you can take, and keep moving forwards”.

But sometimes, that shot comes out of nowhere, like a sucker punch in a dark alley, and it seems like it’s perfectly timed to hit you right where you never thought you’d be hit. 

As you desperately try to get your mind around it, you stumble to your feet, bleeding, scared and confused, and you realize that it’s a different world than the one you knew 5 minutes ago, and that nothing will ever be the same again.

And that you have a choice.

Because it’s so easy to let that fear get the better of you. So easy to let the tears flow, and just stop thinking for a while and try to breathe without being aware of anything other than the movement of air, and the passage of time without worry, anxiety or pressure. 

Sometimes, after taking a hit like this, you just want to let the world move on by, and quietly try to survive away from everybody and everything.

If you’ve ever been there, you know what I mean. It’s so tempting, so inviting.

And in reality, it’s ok to stay in that place for a little while if you can. As a people, we tend to dismiss the grieving process that’s necessary when reality changes out from underneath you. 

We expect people to just move on, when Chaos has dropped on them from a terrible height, spreading its poison of doubt and despair, when really all they need is to take a little time to cry for that which they have lost, even if it’s just the certainty that things will be ok.

Because eventually, we have to move on with our lives, and try to face a new and uncertain future.

And that’s where courage and belief come in. 

I am constantly in awe at the courage of people in my life who have taken tremendous hits from an uncaring universe, and who have risen to their feet time and time again. I marvel at the belief of others that things will work out, and that they themselves will be ok, even if things aren’t. 

And they keep moving forwards.

If you find yourself in that place, where reason has fled, and where chaos drops from every cloud, I offer you my shoulder to cry on, my ear to listen and my heart to flood with compassion for you. While I may not be able to help, in my darkest times it has helped to know that someone has cared for me, and been there for me.

May we always have the strength to keep moving forward, together.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Gratitude Jump

The Gratitude Jump
(#10 of 10, for now anyway)

What are you grateful for? There are so many things in your life that you could be grateful for, if you decided to be. Sometimes it might be hard to see in the moment, because we get so caught up in the milieu of life that we lose perspective on all the things that we have, and instead we focus on all that we want, but don’t yet have.

And then we lose our happiness.

Because gratitude is a central component of happiness, one so deeply intertwined within that emotion that if you took gratitude out of happiness, all you would be left with would be momentary pleasure to brighten your days, and you would be at the mercy of your surroundings and environment every moment of your life.

And your days would be hollow, and eventually become bitter.

The beauty and power of gratitude is that if you can feel gratitude, it changes your entire perception of the world. Try being grateful and angry at the same time – it’s not possible if you are truly feeling grateful. The same goes for fear. 

True gratitude will change how you feel, and allow you to control your emotional state just when you need to.

And it all starts with a choice.

The fact that Gratitude is a choice was a hard lesson for me to learn, partially because being grateful for something required me to power down my own pity party, and instead shift my focus to something other than my own needs and wants. 

Gratitude is a giving emotion, encouraging me to focus on what I do have, and to find peace within that focus.

And what we focus on is always a choice.

For some people, shifting to a gratitude focus is very hard, but these are the very people who need it the most. I have a very good friend who managed to change her whole perspective of life based on what she could be grateful for. 

After going through a difficult divorce and a terrible legal battle, she was incredibly angry and was losing her sense of self and her place in the universe. It was a difficult process to see.

Yet she found her way back to herself through an exercise in gratitude. Each day she would find things to be grateful for, and she would write them in a journal. Over a relatively short period of time, she began to change her focus, seeing all that she had in her life, and how rich and vibrant her life could be. 

As she changed her focus to an attitude of gratitude, everything around her changed for the better.

Not that the world changed, you understand, but how she saw it changed, and that made all the difference.

So today, at the end of these two weeks of ‘jumps’, I invite you to spend some time thinking of all the things you have to be grateful for. 

As you grow in your ability to see the world in a way that makes you happy, you will discover that you can lift yourself higher than you ever thought possible.

And you can carry others with you on your journey.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Self Compassion Jump

The Self Compassion Jump (#9 in a series of 10)

This is one that gets a lot of pushback. I know why, but after so long I still find myself being somewhat in awe of how far some people will go in their efforts to condemn themselves in judgment without a single ounce of compassion. 

Faced with situations that would move them with deep compassion if it were applied to someone else, they still remain steadfast in their desire to judge themselves harshly.

Because they feel like they deserve it.

This usually starts deep in childhood. Maybe a parent accused them constantly, destroying their self image and leaving behind a child who is scarred on the inside, and crying on the outside. 

Or maybe it was just a parent who for some reason was unable to have an emotional connection with their child, leaving the child to wonder at an absence they could feel, but not understand.

And when a child can’t understand, they make up stories.

Then we let those stories define us as adults. In my case, my father was struggling with his own demons from a childhood fraught with scorn and derision from his father. I didn’t know that. All I saw was a father who wasn’t there for me emotionally, and didn’t seem to want to be. In order to make sense of that, I adopted the belief that there had to be something wrong with me, for my father not to love me.

As of this time, we haven’t spoken in at least 10 years, probably more like 15. I struggle with the story to explain that.

But as we age, hopefully we begin to learn some compassion for ourselves. It’s hard at times, because for those of us who have been programmed with a deep loathing for the person we see in the mirror, it makes perfect sense to treat ourselves without kindness. 

At some level, we fear that kindness will turn into acceptance of our flaws and weaknesses, and we will fail to reach the ‘perfection of achievement’ that will make us worthy of the love that we feel we missed.

And that’s where the lie really takes hold, because that is EXACTLY the point of kindness.

You don’t need to extend kindness to those who are perfect, only those who are not. Kindness is there to make up the difference when we are less than perfect, as all of us are. 

But for those who struggle to apply self compassion, kindness to ourselves is viewed as the first step on a slippery slope that leads to us becoming the terrible person we believe ourselves to be.

So we withhold from ourselves compassion, and replace it with condemnation.

If, like me, you struggle to find compassion for yourself, I would suggest that the first step is to practice aggressive compassion for others. When you feel the desire to condemn someone, instead ask yourself if you can see any reason why you can substitute compassion instead. 

Don’t stop until you have exhausted every possibility. I truly believe they are many more broken people than evil people on this good earth, and they are worthy of our compassion and understanding.

Eventually, as you aggressively apply compassion to others, you will begin to see your story in their story, your life in their life, your wounds in their wounds, and your peace in their peace.

Once you make the jump to show yourself compassion, you will find a greater emotional energy to serve others and grow.

And you may find peace.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The ‘So-What’ Jump

The ‘So-What’ Jump
(#8 in a series of 10)

Two words, one sentence, endless possibilities, incredible power. I’ve used this on myself more than on anyone else, because it forces me to really dig deeper and understand my motivations in so many circumstances. 

You have to be careful though, because it can seem like you are being cruel and heartless, when you are actually helping someone make an amazing change. It’s simple to use, but amazingly effective.

If you have the courage to truly understand it.

I use this when someone is locked in an emotional cycle. Maybe it’s being annoyed over the way they were treated, or at the loss of an opportunity, or even when they are trapped in a fear loop, building back upon itself until they are paralyzed with anxiety, not seeing the way out before them. 

After they have finished their emotional rant, I wait for a moment, and then quietly, simply and kindly ask “so what”. What follows is usually a reiteration of their statement, so I challenge them again. 

This is when I usually get a confused look and a different statement, telling me the same thing, but with a greater emphasis. So I ask again “so what”? By this time, they’re either confused or defensive, often both.

Then they start to see what I’m doing , and they’ don’t like it.

Because unless there is some physical injury to be dealt with, many of us spend so much of our time and emotional energy being focused on the ‘injuries’ to our emotions that we waste our chance to change. 

Instead, we drink deeply from a chalice of complaining, believing that somehow we can force the universe into compliance if we just say enough things that highlight our pain.

Yet that ‘pain’ often comes down to something attacking one of our 6 human needs. Maybe we feel like we haven’t been given respect, which attacks our significance, or maybe we feel threatened because something could cause us pain in the future, thereby threatening our certainty.

These two are the most prevalent, and the most pernicious. And usually completely unnecessary.

Until I started using this jump on myself, I was caught in an endless, multi-year cycle of complaining about how badly I had been treated by a few select people. The complaining got me precisely nowhere, and I squandered years when I could have been progressing and developing into someone happier.

Once I applied “so-what”, I came to understand that their treatment of me was not holding me back, my own fears were. The realization that the only thing holding me back was myself was painful, yet even that pain was a threat to my sense of self significance.

And so what.

If you want to make this jump, I invite you to begin assessing all of your complaints and concerns with a simple ‘so what’, and see where it takes you.

Getting out of your own head, and getting into your power is the greatest jump, because it unleashes all of your energy, all of your power, all of your love and all of your passion.

Because once you filter things through the lens of ‘so what’, you’ll never see the same way again.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Apology Jump

The Apology Jump
(#7 in a series of probably 10 pieces)

Most of these jumps are hard, but this one is the most irritating. Ever since I was a young child I have hated admitting that I was wrong. It probably took until I was 13-15 years old before I learned to acknowledge my mistakes, even though it would take me a long time to do so. There was something about saying sorry that was so hard.

Unfortunately, it’s gotten easier because I’ve had so much practice.

To make a mistake is human. Whether it arises from a momentary mistake or a systemic fallibility, all of us do things wrong on a very regular basis. Sometimes it’s something small, and sometimes it’s something unimaginably huge. 

Unfortunately the remedy always starts the same way, with a heartfelt and honest apology. No rationalization, no excuses, no shifting the blame.

A simply truthful “I’m sorry” can start a relationship on the road to healing.

But admitting your mistakes goes further than your relationship with the other person, it actually begins to heal your relationship with yourself. When you fail to apologize to somebody else, you are essentially trading their opinion of you for your opinion of yourself. 

If you are so invested in not admitting your mistake, it means that in some way you are scared of their opinion of you once you admit your guilt.

And rather than risk their bad opinion of you, you live with your own.

Because there’s no feeling worse than knowing that you should apologize, but that you can’t bring yourself to do it. The longer you wait, the worse will feel about yourself. Yes you may be able to suppress it for years, but every time you remember it, it takes just a little more of your soul when you realize that you haven’t done what you should do; what your conscience demands.

Unless you have some significant emotional pathology, your own conscience is the worst thing to have mad at you.

If you struggle with this jump, you are not alone. The inability to apologize has afflicted all of us down through the centuries. It takes a significant degree of enlightenment and soul-searching to reach the point where you can freely admit that you have made a mistake without it being a judgment on yourself. 

And yet making a mistake is the most human thing you can do, because it is an affliction that defines all of us.

And we all need to remember that when someone comes to admit their mistake to us.

If you would make peace with your own conscience, one of the fastest ways is to truly forgive someone who comes to you apologizing for their mistake, and asking for your forgiveness. 

It’s hard, but reaching a point in your life when you are able to freely forgive another human being is to have arrived at the pinnacle of humanity. 

When you can bestow peace on another through forgiveness of their mistakes, in the true honesty of your heart, you will find in you a wellspring of compassion for both of you.

Because forgiveness isn’t about them, it’s really all about you, and you can't begin to forgive yourself until you have apologized when you know you should.

The apology jump is hard, but healing.

— Dr.Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Shadow Jump

The Shadow Jump.
(#6 of 9 or 10, still working on that)

This one’s going to make you uncomfortable. It usually does. If it doesn’t…well, that in itself should make you uncomfortable. 

In this jump you’re going to have to look deep inside you to find those parts of you that you don’t like, the parts that you let no-one see, and do something harder than making peace with them.

You have to integrate them into who you are today.

This is difficult, because integration is not suppression, and it is not denial. Integration involves accepting that the darker impulses of your nature have a function in protecting you, and helping you find your way through a difficult and confusing universe. 

But left unchecked, or as I prefer to call it ‘untrained’, your shadow self will come to the fore of your thoughts in the worst possible ways, or force you to use incredible amounts of emotional energy to suppress and control it.

It’s better if you learn to leverage it.

Trained, practiced and harnessed, your shadow can be a powerful mechanism to create change and prevent pain and frustration, especially when dealing with people who would use you and take advantage of you, and believe me, they are out there.

For example, a person who grew up with a domineering parent will often experience difficulty in expressing their wants and desires as an adult. This can lead to them staying quiet in situations where they should have spoken up. Their shadow, long suppressed, desires to speak out and express their wants. 

Eventually, the suppression breaks and what follows is an outpouring of anger and frustration that feels ugly, sounds worse and actually harms the person, as their desire to communicate their wishes is lost under a flood of anger on their part, and defensiveness on the part of the recipient.

Nobody walks away from that experience happy. 

Imagine if their shadow had been trained and integrated into their everyday life. They would have been able to calmly and kindly express their desires at an appropriate time, manage the conversation in a way that worked for each of them, and hopefully reach a conclusion to the conversation that balanced for both parties.

No anger, no frustration, no jealousy, no suppression. Just the free expression of ideas, and the joy of being heard. 

Yet often people who have suppressed their shadow face fear in integrating it, partly because they have no control over it, and mainly because they have been taught that it is wrong to have desires for themselves. They struggle daily with the unmet needs of their soul, living in the sadness of suppression, when they could be living in the enlightenment of expression.

Today, I offer to you the jump into your own shadow. Integrating that which can help you into that which will guide you will bring about a newness of identity, imagination and illumination.

You will become the you that you were always meant to be.

And you can enjoy peace.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Humility Jump

The Humility Jump
(#5 of either 7 or 9, still working that out)

It’s probably not what you think. It rarely is. Of all the truths that I discuss with people, this is the most misunderstood, most abused and most painful one. Yet once you make this jump, it can change everything. 

It simply comes down to how you understand that one word, and how it frees you from so much self inflicted trauma.

Because humility is not to think less OF yourself, it’s to think less ABOUT yourself.

I know that’s kind of a nuanced concept, so let me try to go deeper on it. I can look at myself and admit that I have some strengths, and some weaknesses. I’m fairly smart, and I have a higher than average emotional intelligence, along with significantly higher than average communication skills. This is not pride if I don’t concern myself with it.

I can also tell you that I am color blind, so I am terrible at doing puzzles. I have much lower than average spatial skills, so I can literally get lost in the mall. I can be selfish, and foolish. I can be incredibly fearful, and struggle to face challenges that you would find easy, although I have skydived and I can speak in public. Yet in these statements I am not being humble, because I am still focusing on myself.

Humility is when I am so focused on you that I don’t bring my needs, wants or self opinion into our interaction. In that state, I can serve you to my highest potential, because the outcome is not about me, it’s focused on your needs and your desires.

This can be one of the hardest practices in coaching, and it’s one that I try to make a part of my work. I’m not saying I’m good at it, just that I’m trying.

If you’ve ever been served like this, you’ll have felt the difference. You may not have been aware of it, but you probably noticed that there was something extraordinary, something that stood out. Something that made you feel special in a way that was unusual and remarkable.

So why is this a jump for you?

I said earlier that humility is often abused, because I have met with so many people who continually put themselves down, and fail to recognize all of their gifts and abilities, out of a subconscious fear that they are not being humble. 

From my view, this holds people back from being who they really are, and from recognizing all that they have to give in this world.

It also keeps people focused on themselves, so they never find the true joy or serving without selfishness, and so they serve less than they would if they were able to serve without respect to themselves.

So the jump is to stop putting yourself down, and at the same time, stop putting yourself first. It’s a difficult balance to master, because it requires us to subdue our ego and yet accept our gifts and capabilities. 

But once you can make this jump, you’ll see a different you showing up to serve others.

And you will be amazing.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings