Morning Reflection: A Deeper Relationship with Yourself

A Deeper Relationship with Yourself.

Yesterday we talked together about understanding that somebody else’s failure to see your worth is not a reflection on your value. 

Today I’d like to share some truths with you so that you can come to a deeper relationship with yourself, and find yourself less concerned with the opinions of others, because you arrive at a place of peace within yourself, your very own sanctuary of the soul.

I cannot promise you that the journey is easy, but I can guarantee that the destination is worth the effort to get there.

Because when you have peace in your soul, and a firm knowledge of who you are, someone else’s estimation of your value simply becomes irrelevant. It’s not that you think you are wonderful, or that you think you are terrible. 

Rather it’s that you have come to understand that the worth of your soul is not defined by anyone’s opinion, even your own.

You realize that the value of your soul is incalculable, and so is everybody else’s.

It begins with a careful examination of all that you are. It’s not that you are unaware of your faults, rather that you accept them. 

That can be hard to do, because most of us have been taught all of our lives that we are imperfect, unacceptable and broken. In order to justify that belief, we assign intention to our unintentional failures, we accredit cruelty to our reflexive response to trauma, and we attach shame when our best efforts do not yield a perfect response.

In order to find peace with yourself, you must first forgive yourself.

If that sounds impossible, it’s because you are still stuck in the lies that you have allowed to scar your soul. Removing those beliefs is never easy, and you’ll usually release a lot of emotion along the way. 

Very often you’ll cry tears of sadness amidst tears of joy, as you come to accept all that you are now with all that could be. It isn’t simple, it isn’t easy and is certainly isn’t something to be taken lightly.

But when you know you, as only you can know you, you find a new sense of judgment.

Because all of a sudden your judgment of yourself is the only one that really matters. It’s not that you don’t take other people’s opinions into consideration, but that you understand that the final judgment on your value is yours alone. 

Suddenly you become your own person, a shining consciousness, a person of peace, at peace with the world.

And everything changes.

Because when no one’s opinion can hurt you, you fear no one’s opinion. Suddenly you can talk with others and share your truth kindly, gently and honestly. When you have nothing to fear, you find love in abundance for all, for none can hurt you. 

And in your journey to understand all that you have been through, you’ll understand all that they have been through as well. And then your heart is softened and you weep.

Because you finally see the value of their soul, reflected in the value of your own.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Your Value is Not Determined by the People Who Don’t Want You

Your Value is Not Determined by the People Who Don’t Want You.

No matter who you are, no matter how successful you become, no matter how large your house, how expensive your car or how much of a difference you have made in the world, there’s one thing you can always guarantee. 

Someone, somewhere is going to reject what you have to offer. Maybe it’s your profession, maybe it’s your faith or maybe it’s who you are as a person

And sometimes, it’s hard not to take rejection personally.

Most of us come into this world with a deep desire for connection. As one of our six human needs, it’s a powerful motivator, but it also can be an incredible detriment to our health and our happiness if we are not watchful guardians of our behaviors. 

Our deep need for connection (and I use the word ‘need’ rather than ‘want’ very specifically) can be a source of incredible peace and satisfaction when it is met, and an incredibly painful, almost debilitating, wound when it is not.
So how do we learn to take rejection less personally?

In my work healing people, there’s two ways that we work on healing this problem. And if you think you’re alone in this, please understand that this is one of the most common things that I deal with when talking to people. 

One of the ways is a mindset shift that will reverberate through all of your relationships, and the other is to deepen your relationship with yourself.

I know that sounds simple, and an oversimplification, but it’s really not.

To explain the mindset shift, I’ll share with you a recent interaction with someone. She had mentioned that due to the circumstances of her birth, she felt unwanted and discarded. In my experience, those are often the emotions that follow an awareness that you are adopted. 

I shared with her the simple mindset shift that can make such a difference in your world, not just if you are adopted, but if you are facing some kind of rejection in any area of your life.

That you were unwanted and discarded is not a statement on your value, it is a reflection on somebody else's weakness and values.

Because for some reason, when somebody rejects us, we automatically take their opinion as gospel truth, rather than realizing that they have their own issues, demons problems that they bring into their assessment of you. 

It took me a long time to realize that my father’s emotional distance from me was not a reflection on my value, nor even reflection on his judgment, but rather the reality that he was carrying his own demons and being chased day after day after day.

So the next time somebody rejects you in some way, instead of immediately taking that as a judgment of who you are, but look at it as a symptom of where they are at.

Because we all carry demons until we do the work to drive them out.

Tomorrow I’ll talk more about the other way in which I help people deal with rejection, which is to create a deeper relationship with themselves. 

I hope to see you here.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: I Only Know What I Can Do

I Only Know What I Can Do.

There’s a great line from a movie I like that I use to try to keep my mind in the right place. Facing almost certain death, one character turns to the other and says “I don’t know what I am supposed to do, I only know what I can do”. 

In that one line, the character admits both a weakness and a strength. The strength is easy to see, but the weakness is a little more complex.

Because it’s not that he doesn’t know, it’s that he believes in ‘supposed to’.

So many of us live our lives in the shadow of supposition. Maybe it’s due to the expectations of a partner, or the deeply held wishes of a family member, or maybe just some belief that we have somehow picked up along the way. 

However we got to this point, believing that there is something you are ‘supposed to do’ in any situation is the fastest way I know to cut off possibilities, and funnel yourself into a pathway that may not be the one that is most in alignment with your soul.

And inevitably, that comes back to bite you at some point.

If you find yourself in that place, don’t worry, you’re not alone. All of us end up here at some point, and the funny thing is that even though we get to decide how long we remain in the shadow of supposition, some people stay stuck there, choosing the ‘security’ of a supposed right path, rather than accept and embrace the uncertainty that is the true inheritance of our birth.

We don’t really know very much at all, but we like to think we do, because it gives us comfort against all that we don’t.

The second half of the line I quoted above is the one that gives me the greater comfort. Once you choose to step away from what you suppose you ‘should do’, you step out on a journey that will grant you the experience of choosing what you ‘can do’. 

That doesn’t mean you act in violation of your own terms of morality and kindness, far from it. If anything, it forces you into a greater examination of your own conscience and consciousness, pushing you to justify your ideals and aspirations against all that you believe to be good and right in the universe.

The more you do this, the greater awareness you will gain of who you really are.

And knowing who you are is so very important. So many people these days walk around in the confusion of a social media definition of themselves, struggling to find out who they really are in the midst of a million deafening denigrations, and thousands upon thousands of confusing, chaotic comparisons. 

Too many people are scared to ‘do’ anything, lest they encounter the terror of a negative opinion.

Which is why coming to a knowledge of yourself is the greatest armor you can ever put on. Once you know who you are, and what you will do, the fog and chaos of supposition gives way to the certainty of a self born out of decision and direction. Clarity is rarely born out of deliberation, but out of action.

So today, I invite you to become more of who you were born to be by choosing to act, and ‘do’ the things that you can do, that ‘you’ believe are moral, ethical and right.

And kind. 

What can ‘you’ do?

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: None But The Power You Give Them

None But The Power You Give Them.

I had a wonderful conversation with a good friend yesterday. As we talked, it became apparent that she was struggling mightily with deep feelings of sadness and loss. 

Not for one who had died, but for the loss of a relationship. Not that the person had left, but their interactions had changed so that her place in the world was different, less certain, and with decreased freedom.

Yet her struggle was not with the other person – it was with herself.

She was trapped within a construct entirely conceptual, yet no less effective than had she been shackled and bound. The chains that held her ran deep, ringing to the sounds of duty versus selfishness, family versus identity, and kindness versus coercion. 

She felt like her role in life had been circumscribed out of fate, and she could not see a pathway leading to her freedom from the prison in her mind.

Until I pointed out the many frailties of the arguments with which she bound herself.

As we talked, I gently challenged all of these beliefs and concepts, pointing out their flaws, and helping her to see where she was hurting herself out of a misguided but well-intentioned belief that she had to behave and act a certain way. 

Partly she was ascribing wisdom to those who did not necessarily deserve it, and partly berating herself for feelings that were natural and just. 

In a maelstrom of fractured meanings and misplaced intentions, she was giving away her freedom to live for herself out of a sense of loyalty to the morals of another, who may not have had her best interests at heart.

And as I helped her cross the threshold of uncertainty into a better understanding, she wept tears of pain for the loss of all that she had sacrificed, and for that which she was losing in her new found recognition of the choices she had made. 

Make no mistake about it, coming to a full knowledge of yourself is no easy task. It can bring you to your knees, but it is your choice as to how long you stay there.

Because the truth is that our feelings, and our subsequent choices around and because of those feelings, only have as much power as we allow them. 

One of the greatest truths I teach people as I set them free from themselves is that they can control themselves to a degree that they had hitherto found unimaginable, and withstand the most difficult feelings, by coming to understand where those feelings really come from, and then learning that their feelings are an experience in reality, not an expression of their soul.

And once you can see through the lies that you cling to as truths, you can become a person of decision, rather than a victim of deception.

Because your feelings have no power, other than that which you give unto them.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The paralysis of doing the right thing

The paralysis of doing the right thing.

I’m seeing this more and more, so much so that it seems to be a new epidemic. People who are so scared of doing “the wrong thing” that they are stuck in the a never ending search for doing “the right thing”. 

They seek for it, they desperately desire it, and even if they finally find something that could be the correct thing, they spend their lives in fear that they are somehow “doing the right thing in a wrong way”.

Does that sound familiar to you?

In the last 48 hours, I’ve discussed two cases of this with people. In both situations, someone’s ability to function in society is threatened because that person is so scared of doing the ‘wrong thing’ that they are anxious in almost any social situation, and as such are withdrawn, hiding themselves away from normal life. 

In both cases, the person affected is intelligent, kind, personable and without a significant deficit that would prevent them from enjoying life in a normal way.

Yet neither of them functions in the world at the level that they could.

Instead they have chosen to pull away and hide out of a fear of the feelings that they think they would experience from doing the ‘wrong thing’, and in their nervous system, somehow they have come to associate those feelings with death, as if they could die from a feeling.

I know that sounds crazy, but if you’ve ever talked to someone in the middle of an anxiety attack, you’ll have come face to face with someone who truly, deeply and fervently believes they are going to die. 

They believe it so hard that their body will manifest the feelings of pain, and their nervous system will manufacture the racing heart, the shallow breath, the tingling in their fingertips and the dizziness and disorientation.

Because what the brain truly believes, it manifests, both good and bad. 

When I work with people who have this anxiety compulsion, it usually comes down to a moment of trauma in their life, where for some reason they linked a non-fatal situation to a perception of death. 

As I talk to them, and ask them to explain what occurs in the moment where the anxiety takes over, I see them cross that threshold from knowing/language into the realm of feeling/non-language. They’ll struggle to tell me why they feel that way, and usually end up feeling rather than talking, experiencing rather than explain.

Dying, rather than living.

So today, I ask you to be aware of those people around you who are not living up to their full potential because of the fear that holds them in its thrall. Reach out to them, and tell them how much you value them, and how important they are in your life. 

The chances are, they have no idea of who they could become, and just how necessary they are to the world.

It’s up to us to remind them that a little fear won’t kill them, but their eventual regret might.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Threshold

Threshold.

Tomorrow it all changes. As I sit here tonight, my fear about tomorrow is palpable, and yet so is my excitement. 

They blend together in a strange mixture of anticipation and dread, joy and terror, happiness and sadness, peace and anxiety. I know that after tomorrow, I will have either succumbed to my fear, or broken through it.

And either one will change me.

I’m going flying tomorrow, in a plane that is so small that it defies my understanding. It’s called a ‘discovery flight’, and it will be my first time in anything quite so small. I used to be terrified of flying in anything, so this is a huge test for me. 

While the logical part of my brain accepts that it is safe, the anxious part screams that what I am doing is dangerous, foolhardy and unnecessary. So, like the time I went skydiving, I’m going to face that fear square in the face and do exactly what brings me terror.

In the understanding that only by crossing the threshold can I become who I want to be.

Because terror, and its less intense but often more pernicious friend anxiety, are the things that hold back so many of us from enjoying a life of deep purpose and intense meaning. The fear of rejection, the fear of self disgust, the fear of embarrassment, the fear of loss. 

Each of these has robbed each of us in some way, denying us of our chance to experience life at its fullest and to give back to the universe by following our purpose. 

So tomorrow, I do what I do not only for me, but for you.

Because I want you to understand that you are stronger than the voices in your head that hold you back. Strength, resilience and power are not some soul alchemy granted to a few, but they are there to be claimed and wielded by anyone who has the awareness to push past their programming, and face their fears moment by moment, day by day.

And I believe you are strong enough to overcome that which holds you back.

So I do what I am going to do in full knowledge that I will be scared. So be it. I am doing this because each day is not a guaranteed promise of more time, and because time spent without a meaningful life is the greatest tragedy that can befall any of us. There is nothing that can take away the pain of regret when the opportunity to live a full life has passed us by.

So I mean to take this chance to do something that means more to me than I can express.

My hope is that I will break through more than just one fear tomorrow, and that I can go forward to do the things that I believe I am capable of, and find a greater sense of meaning in my life then I currently feel.

I hope that I can inspire you to do the same.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Surviving the fractured path

Surviving the fractured path.

It’s amazing how we seem to have an idea about how the future is supposed to be. Or about our life should turn out, or what we should do for a living, or how we should make our impact in the world, or what kind of car we should drive, or how many kids we should or shouldn’t have etc. 

There’s an old saying attributed to Einstein which goes something like this: “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans”.

Because rarely does life work out the way that we expect.

And sometimes that realization occurs early in life and often as we grow older. When somehow or other we find ourselves in the place and time that we never quite imagined we would be. 

A place where some things don’t add up, and are probably never going to, and we realize that something that we thought very important is not going to turn out the we really want it to.

The Golden Path which led to our house of dreams is fractured, and we realize that what we were hoping for is unlikely to materialize.

Surviving the reality of the fractured path is not easy, but it can be done. It starts by analyzing what you’ve really lost, which is usually your hope for a certain feeling. Anything we want in life is not about the thing, but about how we think acquiring or receiving or achieving this thing will make us feel. 

To move beyond the fracture, you have to ask yourself why only that thing could bring you what you want to feel? 
Because the chances are that you could feel that way about something else or someone else if you decided to.

And this is where the pushback begins :-) 

Time after time I hear from people that they have to have a certain thing or be a certain thing in order to feel good about themselves, or feel like they belong, or feel like they are worthy, or feel like they like they are enough. People seem to believe that feelings are dependent upon a certain formula, and that only those specific ingredients will do.

It’s always fun to watch them when they find out that the truth is not quite what appears to be.

Because there are many avenues to arrive at a certain feeling. Things don’t have to be a specific way for us to experience a certain emotion, we can learn to view reality in such a way that we can find the feelings that we desire in the events that are occurring. It’s not easy, and it takes some practice, but it can be done.

Once you understand that reality is far more subjective than you have ever imagined, you will realize that there never really was a path that you had to follow. 

There was simply your misunderstanding about how to get to where you wanted to feel.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Soulcussion

Soulcussion

Sometimes it’s one big hit, sometimes it’s a conglomeration of things, either in a short space of time or even over long period of time. 

If you read this work, the chances are you’ve lived long enough to have received a Soulcussion, which is like a concussion for your soul instead of your brain. It can be just as dangerous, and the effects can last the rest of your life.

But it is often overlooked, as there is no diagnostic imaging for the soul.

So what does it take; what kind of things are required to create a change so profound that your entire reality, your entire persona can change. Maybe it’s a divorce, followed by a life-changing diagnosis. 

Maybe it’s the loss of your financial stability combined with the loss of the best friend and of some of your own independence. It’s usually different for each person, but the results can be exactly the same.

You find yourself questioning everything you ever knew.

Maybe after a period of reflection you stay within the paradigm of your life as it was prior to the hit, or maybe you find yourself in a different reality, with different feelings, different beliefs, different ideals. 

Only you know just how hard you have been hit, and only you can truly understand the damage to your soul that has been wrought by a universe that sometimes seems to care less than you could have ever imagined.

And you find yourself sitting quietly, wondering where you go from here.

If you are one of those people who are still struggling with the impact of a Soulcussion, I share with you my compassion, my sympathies and my concern for you. I don’t know your particular personal situation, but I do know what it’s like to feel like the world has caved in. I’m so sorry you’re there. I wish I could just hold you allow you to feel loved and cared for.

Because the worst thing about a soul is that we usually end up feeling alone.

I would also like to offer you the concept of hope. I’m not going to regale you with stories of miraculous changes or try to convince you that things can go back to normal. In my experience they can’t, and they don’t. 

But in all of my work in coaching and healing, I never fail to be amazed at the resilience, the courage and the strength of people who have survived unbelievable pain and trauma.

And somehow found a way to smile.

So whoever you are, and whatever you’re going through, please know that there are people who care. Treat yourself kindly, and give yourself permission to care for yourself when you need to. There is no shame in asking for help or in telling others that you simply need to focus on yourself for a while. All of us have had times and have fallen, broken and afraid.

All of us have needed a light in our personal darkness.

Today I offer you my light, and whatever wisdom I have gathered. I pray that I may be of help to you in your times of trial and in your moments of reflection. 

May you find peace and hope in these words, and may your light so shine again.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The dichotomy of self awareness

The dichotomy of self awareness.

Who are you? I know it’s a strange question to ask, but a lot of the work that I do in coaching and helping people with their problems really comes down to introducing them to the truth of themselves. 

What makes self-awareness so difficult is that we usually require input from others so that we can see the things that are hidden from ourselves; often the very behaviors and beliefs that are causing us problems.

Because there are many things about ourselves that we are blind to.

We don’t see them because they are so natural to us that we don’t even question such a belief or behavior. I was in a meeting many years ago where a man in authority over me tried to offer guidance in a situation, but because I was over-sensitive I took his statement to be a personal attack. 

He actually stopped the meeting and looked at me and gently said “I’m not attacking you, I’m trying to help you”.
And I realized that I was reacting not to what he said, but to my interpretation of what I was hearing.

It’s been many years since that meeting, and I hope I have come to understand many more things about myself and the reasons that I react the way I do. Although understanding is never enough, it’s a good place to start because it gives us a direction to move in, and hopefully allows us to change our behaviors along the way. 

Yet to understand the deepest truths, we have to become very observant.

Both to who we are, and to how others react to us. 

Not all actions that hurt us are intended to do so, but it may be the way we are interpreting that action based on our wants and our wounds. The way that others treat us can become a road map to truths about ourselves, if we are willing to follow the truths to the ultimate reality of where they lead. 

This is often a very valuable exercise, especially when people are treating us in a way that surprises or hurts us. 
Because then you can read not only the reasons for their actions, but your reactions to their actions. 

Which takes a lot of practice, but is so incredibly revealing. 

The more you come to understand why other people act the way they do, you also realize that you probably act that way for the very same reasons. Do it long enough, and you’ll discover that the core of our problems are very similar. 

Yes, there may be a different twist to your problem instead of mine, but they usually come back to the same root causes.

But you’ll never know that until you learn to see yourself in others, and see others in yourself.

So today, I challenge you to consider the actions of those who have played a significant role in your life, for good or bad, and see if you can understand what lead to those behaviors. 

Was it a desire to serve, or a need to destroy? Did they desire a greater sense of connection, or were they possessed by a desire for revenge.

Come to understand your friends and your ‘enemies’ better, and you will see yourself in all of them. 

And begin treat them as you would treat yourself.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Just Start Talking

Just Start Talking.

The thing that sets us apart from every other species, our ability to communicate, is often one of the first casualties in a conflict. 

Whether due to misunderstanding, or a painful truth learned at a difficult time in life, it’s unfortunately very natural to withdraw and pull away from people when we feel like we’ve been hurt, or that we have somehow inadvertently hurt others.

And not talking is the very worst thing you can do.

Because pulling away, or not talking, creates a vacuum that breeds misinterpretation, misinformation, mistrust and sometimes misery. I can’t tell you the number of times I have worked with people to try to get them to discuss a painful subject with another for whom they care deeply. 

Very often they know they need to have the conversation, but they are afraid of the truths they will discover, the pain they will feel and most frequently, terribly afraid of being misunderstood and creating further heartache and pain.

Yet by not talking, they are only postponing the problem and allowing it to grow.

Sometimes we delay those discussions because we honestly don’t know how we feel, or we don’t trust ourselves to be able to clearly communicate what it is we want to say, or trust ourselves to respond in a kind and generous manner to the other person. 

One of the hardest skills I still struggle to learn is being able to create a safe environment for somebody to be honest with me without emotionally reacting and making it difficult for them to explain their truths to me.

Experience in coaching has taught me that I am not alone in this.

Many times I have been privileged to be present in a communication between two people whose miscommunications and very different life experiences have led them to a misunderstanding that threatens their relationship. 

It is a very humbling thrill to assist people in breaking through their barriers and finding common ground, common truth and of renewal of affection. It’s all possible, it just takes time, patience, kindness and a desire to connect.

If you find yourself not talking to people with whom you wish a greater intimacy, a closer bond or a deeper relationship, then I would challenge you to ask yourself what it is that you are really afraid of? In my experience, rarely are the truths discovered in conversation worse than those present only in our imagination.

So please, start talking. 

Talk to your friends, talk to your family and talk to those with whom you desire a greater understanding. Seek first to understand before you seek to be understood, and ask open-ended questions that foster compassionate conversations, rather than judgmental edicts that drive others away.

In the end, the quality of our relationships is directly proportional to the depth and duration of our conversations.

So start asking questions, and see where it leads you. :-)

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Time and a quiet place to heal

Time and a quiet place to heal.

Eventually, you come to a point in your life where you realize you have to change. The really big changes are often started as a result of something painful and difficult arriving on your emotional doorstep, and you experience a moment of understanding that you can’t go on being the person that you currently are. But the thought of changing scares you…

Because to change is to heal, and to heal…is going to hurt.

All of us have experienced trauma, and we spend so much of our lives trying to avoid that feeling again that we warp and distort our lives and our passions in order to escape what we were always going to have to face. But when the moment arrives, and it’s time to start the healing, most of us have no idea where to begin.

It’s not like they ever taught us this in school.

So to start, I want you to understand that emotional healing, just like physical healing, takes time. Even when someone has an emotional breakthrough, they usually have to work through many patterns of learned avoidance behavior that will come back time after time to sabotage and undermine their progress.

Healing is very rarely a single moment in time, but a continuum stretching out over your life.

So the first component of healing is patience.

But once you have the time, then you need the peace in your soul to be able to unlock the feelings that you don’t want to face. It’s going to be hard, and sometimes it can be made easier by the presence of a good friend or a trusted guide who can help you traverse the hidden paths of your soul, carrying their light into your darkness, and allowing the beauty and wonder of the true you to come forth.

But even with a guide, you are still going to have to struggle through the process.

Which means you are going to have to face fear, pain, loss, loneliness and heartache. It’s to accept things that you find hard to understand, and to learn new patterns of behavior that will feel alien and uncomfortable. 

You may have to remove people from your life when you desperately want to hold onto them, and you will have to learn to give up some expectations.

And none of those things are easy.

Which is why it takes time, and a quiet place to heal. But what I’ve found is that often the only quiet you need is a space inside of your mind. Carved out through meditation, and lit with compassion for yourself, you can discover your own universe of the soul, and within that timeless and infinite place begin the process of healing all the pains you carry within you.

The more you heal your soul, the greater capacity you will discover to heal yourself. 

Until you are free, and then the fun really begins.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Holding Fire in the palm of your hand

Holding Fire in the palm of your hand.

There’s a very old trick that I was shown a long time ago. It starts with the paper from a tea-bag. Carefully folded into a tube, it becomes a lesson in the conversion of energy; however upon reflection, it yields a lesson far deeper and more meaningful. But like all lessons, it starts with a spark, or in this case, a burning flame.

Because you are going to hold fire in the palm of your hand.

You start by molding the paper into a tube, and placing it upright into the palm of your hand. Then you light the top of the tube with a flame, and you watch as the flame descends through the tube, moving nearer and nearer to your palm. 

There’s a second where you consider how it will feel if the flame touches you, and you shake for a moment, afraid of the pain that you feel is coming.

But it never reaches your hand.

Because as the fire reaches a certain point, the heat of the flame causes convection, an upward force that lifts the paper out of your hand before the heat reaches you. What once appears to be a certain experience of pain instead changes to a moment of wonder, as your fears are turned into fascination by a force that you can’t see, but can nevertheless feel.

And you realize that you were never going to get hurt, as long as you could allow the flame to leave you.

Which is where the second lesson comes in. Because in this experiment, there was only ever one way that you were going to experience pain, and that was if you held onto the paper and refused to let it go. 

As long as you accepted the possibility, without holding onto it, you were going to be ok. But in life, we often hold onto things that cause us pain, when we really didn’t have to.

All we had to do was let it go, and it wouldn’t have hurt us.

Yet so many times we can’t let something go, because we have the mistaken belief that in some way, that thing defines us. So we hold onto a belief, or an action, or sometimes even a person, way longer than we ever should have done, and we suffer the pain and agony of emotionally holding fire in the palm of our hands, when we never had to.

We could just let go at any time.

So today, I would challenge you to look at something in your life that is causing you pain, and ask yourself if you are holding tightly onto something that you don’t have to? 

It might seem like you don’t have a choice, but in almost every situation that I have come across in my work, there is a belief we can change, or an understanding that someone can reach, that will allow us to let go of the things which currently hurt us.

It may be scary, but letting go is often the least painful option. 

While it may sting for a moment, I promise you that letting go of the things which hurt you will bring you a peace and a freedom that will surprise and astound you. 

You don’t have to hold the pain a moment longer than you want to.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Beginning Eternal

Beginning Eternal.

I’ll never know enough. No matter how long I live, or how hard I study a subject, the truth is I will always feel like a beginner. And I like it that way. It’s actually the best thing for me, because it stops me from thinking I know everything, and that’s a really good thing. 

Knowing everything is the point where you stop learning, and you lose humility. So I call it the law of Beginning Eternal – knowing that you are always a beginner. I hope it keeps me humble.

Because humility can prevent a multitude of problems.

Humility in certain things is for me a struggle, and it’s all because of my demons. I grew up in the British equivalent of welfare housing. My family was never financially secure, and it was pretty obvious to me that we were the ‘poorest house’ on the street. I remember walking home with a friend from school one day, and he asked me ‘why is your family poor?’ I know that he didn’t mean it in a way that was derogatory or cruel, he was just asking a simple question.

But if I’m honest, even today, that still hurts. 

To add to my struggles, I was the fat kid on the block. Even at a young age, food was my comfort drug of choice, and I used it hard. Being overweight as a teenager is never easy, and it just further pushed me away from feeling good about myself. The only thing that I felt I had to base any self esteem on was the one thing I had going for me.

I believed my mind was superior (you have to have something to feel special about right, when nothing else does?). That was the only thing I had to hold on to, and it served me as a child, but like most childhood patterns, we tend to have a hard time letting go. Unfortunately, this one is no exception.

So recently, when I was in a meeting, I had to fight to restrain my ego. The man who was presenting is a good man, and he has a formal education in the subject he was presenting on. 

Yet all through his presentation, there was my ego, explaining in the recesses of my mind how he could have done it better, how it could have been more impactful, how the presentation could have changed lives if it were done a different way.

Ego, ego, ego.

Thankfully, I have learned enough about myself that I know where my demons want to take me, and practicing the law of ‘Beginning Eternal’ helps me to keep my mouth closed when it wants to open up. 

Because the truth is, we are always beginning. 

The ideas I had in my 20’s that seemed so good to me then now appear to be the fantasies of a young man trying to find himself in the world. Then, as now, I was still only ‘beginning’ to learn. I wonder what 65 year old me will think of the words that I wrote today. Hopefully, he’ll chuckle and laugh this off as ‘youthful inexperience’. Who knows.

But what I have learned is that by retaining the mind of a beginner, I am open to new ideas, new possibilities and most importantly, a sense of humility.

Humility has become my life preserver, and boy do I need one.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: A grumpy day in the neighborhood!

A grumpy day in the neighborhood!

Wow, was I a bear on Wednesday morning! In full disclosure, I’ve never been a morning person. I have gotten better at getting up at 5:45 every morning to wake my son up, and some mornings are easier than others, but Wednesday morning was one of those days where I just wasn’t feeling it. 

I just wanted to go back to bed, and tell the world (somewhat impolitely) to go away and leave me alone.

It was one of those days where being kind and compassionate was going to take a lot more self control than normal!

It probably wasn’t helped by the fact that I only got about 5 hours of sleep the night before. I wish I could lie to you and tell you that’s an abnormality, but in all honesty it happens way more than it should. 

Over the years I’ve developed a pretty high tolerance for being chronically tired, and I tend to abuse that ability way more than is good for me. I know that long term it’s really not healthy, but I struggle getting to bed early in the evenings.

Which isn’t an excuse, but it sort of is an explanation.

But the real reason I was grumpy had nothing to do with the amount of sleep I didn’t get, or the circumstances of how I awoke. For me, feeling grumpy comes down to one simple explanation that forces me to grow as a person, while at the same time reminding me of how lucky I really am. Because in my world, being grumpy occurs when I have lost my sense of focus…

And instead of being grateful, I am wallowing in self pity.

Because if I decide to focus on all the things that make me feel like life is hard, that’s all I’m going to see. Yes, my life has some hardships, but it also has an incredible assortment of wonderful things going on as well. 

I am blessed with a wife whose patience with my many weaknesses is downright legendary. How she puts up with me I really don’t know.

But I’m very grateful that she does.

I have two wonderful sons who both teach me through their examples every day, and I have good friends, a home, a business that is growing, and recently a silver lab puppy who brings an indescribable amount of joy and happiness to me. 

I am healthy, and I have possibilities before me that have the potential to radically change my world for the better.

But on Wednesday morning, I wasn’t focused on that at all.

Nope. Wednesday morning as I awoke, I was firmly planted in a sense of self pity, and just wallowing in it. Thankfully it didn’t last as long as it could have, but I still realize that it shouldn’t have been there at all.

Because being grumpy isn’t about being happy, it’s about trying to set yourself up as the victim to avoid something that you just don’t like. Gratitude, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to do anything other than pay attention to what we really have, and how good we really have it.

So today, if you are feeling grumpy, I ask you to choose grateful instead.

It’s a lot more fun, and makes you a lot more fun to be around.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: And then you were gone

And then you were gone.

Yesterday was a strange day in Facebook world. I’m still not quite sure what caused all the trouble, but for most of the day it was difficult to get Facebook to load properly, and more than once I tried to comment on something, and found that I couldn’t upload what I had typed. 

Late in the afternoon, I was struck by the realization that I might not be able to schedule a post to go out for the next day (now this morning).

And I felt really lost for a moment.

To be honest, I kind of panicked for a second or two. What if this work was lost, what if the problem disconnected all the people who have liked this page, what if I never got to interact with some of you on messenger or over a video chat again? 

There’s an old song from the 80’s titled “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone”, and that’s kind of how it felt.

Because suddenly I was faced with the understanding that I could ‘lose’ all of you, and that thought made me incredibly sad.

When I started this work, I had no idea how it would change me. Not only have I been able to examine my thoughts, and formulate the concepts that have been a silent part of my life for so many years, but I have been so touched my the comments and kindness of the people who take the time to like and comment on the posts. 

Some of you have become very important people in my life, even if you don’t know it.

Because I cherish the time, energy and wisdom that you share in contributing to the ongoing evolution of this process, whatever it may be, or wherever it may be going.

The more I come to learn about you through your comments and messages, the more I realize I am not alone on this journey of uncovering who I am, and where my place is in the universe. Some of you astound me with your ability to fight through trials that would have left me broken and weeping on the roadside of life.

Some of you inspire me with your words, helping me to see through your eyes and gain a perspective that might never have occurred to me. Some of you have progressed along the journey further than I feel I have, and you reach back out of your generosity and share just the right words, at the right time. 

Many a time I have felt lifted up by your simple, heartfelt comments of gratitude, giving me a sense that there is a purpose far beyond my own in this work.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am so very, deeply and profoundly grateful to have the opportunity to connect with you within this work, and outside of it.

Seeing Facebook’s problems today have made me realize just how important you all are to me, and how this work has evolved into a purpose I could hardly have imagined. I’m going to take some time to think about where this is going, and put in place options so that we can connect in different ways, and possibly through different mediums. 

I think Facebook will always be the home platform of this work, but I need to look beyond that, and see how I can serve you better, and connect with you more deeply and profoundly.

For today, in this moment, please know that I am so very grateful for your presence in my life. However you choose to express yourself through this work, by reading, liking, commenting or sharing, please know that you are so very important to me. Your examples lift me, and your kindness comforts me.

May we continue together through this journey, and find joy together.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You mean the world to me.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Rising Above Nature

Rising Above Nature.

We all come into this world with our own mixture of light and darkness. For some, there is a clear line of demarcation that defines their duality, and for others there is a very large gray area that allows for a certain moral flexibility. 

The only thing that’s certain through all of our delineations is the knowledge that we can draw from either side of our personality at any time, and that some people make no distinction either way.

It’s our awareness that creates our morality.

But how well do you exercise your awareness, and just as importantly, when do you use it? I have worked with some people whose awareness of the damage that they caused was incredibly limited, and only took effect long after their actions and words had caused irreparable harm to another. 

Others I have known are always aware, constantly watching their actions, checking every word and trying to treat others with as much kindness as possible.

Yet all, and I mean all, of us have our days where instead of rising to the pinnacle of our principles, we fall into the failure of our nature.

Maybe it’s not that big of a fall by the standards of the world, or of those around us, but the strong person is the one who keeps their own judgments as to the necessity of decency, kindness and virtue. 

In a world that seems to venerate the material and vilify the spiritual, there is a constant struggle for principle over popularity, decency over denigration, humanity over hedonism and calm over cacophony.

And by our actions every day, we choose our pathway through the principles we follow.

It may be said that the struggle over our innate nature is comprised of our decisions to eschew darkness in our choices, and most importantly in our thoughts that lead to our actions. This is a difficult pathway, requiring a deep self awareness and a willingness to let go of the needs that drive our innermost thoughts and desires, forsaking that which enlivens us for that which ennobles us. 

Even then, not out of a wish for a greater appreciation by others, but a greater surrender to the principles that inspire us, believing in our hearts that the choice is right in and of itself, rather than right for us.

For inasmuch as our nature is to be selfish, the pinnacle of our potential is to arrive at selflessness. That is not a refutation of the material, but rather the lack of the need of the consciousness to identify as a self at all.

And just being.

In one of those strange twists of understanding, we realize that in order to rise above our nature, we just need to cease being who we believe we are, and instead experience each moment without reference to our ego, merely choosing what is right, over what is right for us.

And in renouncing the nature of our birth, we arrive at the nature of our soul.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Crisis of Purpose

The Crisis of Purpose.

If you’ve been paying attention to the world, you’ll realize that things are changing, and the pace of change is accelerating. Things which 30 years ago would have been considered impossible are now commonplace, and the things that we see on the horizon now are coming towards us faster than you can possibly imagine.

Technology is transforming our experience, and soon, our existence.

Because as we move further into the world of artificial intelligence and robotics, we are soon going to arrive at a time where people do not have to work to survive. When that happens, and people have even more free time, we’re going to have to start answering the big questions, the ones we have been struggling with since the dawn of time.

Why are we here, and more importantly, what should we do while we are here?

Many people have tried to answer these questions over the years. For some, it’s a belief in deity. For some, it’s a faith in a never ending experience, reincarnating time after time in an eternal quest for enlightenment. 

For some, it’s a theory of nothingness after this, while others admit to not knowing, and are comfortable with the questions. The truth is, no one really knows for anyone else.

But our purpose is to find it out for ourselves.

And coming soon, we’re going to have more time to answer those questions, and people will be clamoring for the answers that resonate with themselves. We’re also going to have time to know ourselves better, and to start learning to communicate and live with each other in ways that are more harmonious, less confrontational and that lean a great deal more towards kindness.

But our purpose is still going to be paramount. 

Imagine a generation of people who cannot identify themselves through what they do for a living. Can you see how big of a change that is going to be? Think also of the children who will grow up without the goal of ‘becoming’ their profession or their vocation. How will they spend their time, find their purpose, accept responsibility and find meaning through struggle?

The answers are going to be individual for each of us, yet the common strain will reverberate throughout humanity.

The call will go out for those who can provide answers, a sense of meaning, a light in the darkness of too much free time and not enough purpose. The people we need in the future are those who have made peace with themselves, found a sense of purpose and are actively following it.

Because those who have their own light, can be a light for others.

If you’ve been following this work for a while, or even if you’re new to this (whatever this is, because I don’t yet know myself) I’m guessing you are the kind of person who is going to be needed greatly in the future. 

Not that we have the answers, but that we can offer a kind heart and a safe place for people to search out their own meaning and purpose.

We are the guides of meaning, and the prophets of purpose. I don’t know if we are up to it, but in truth, I don’t know if anyone else is either. To quote a line from one of my favorite movies..

”Sometimes it’s the people no one imagines anything of who do the things that no one can imagine”.

Will you help?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Dream Crazy

Dream Crazy.

I start a journey tomorrow. One I’ve been building to for some time now. I have no idea how I’m going to make this work; from a time standpoint, from a money standpoint, from a life standpoint. 

There are so many things that are stacked against this that it’s crazy to even think about it, let alone start out moving towards my goal.

But the sky is calling, and I’m drawn to answer it.

I start tomorrow by booking what’s known as a discovery flight. In the not too distant future, I’ll climb into a small aircraft with an instructor, and we’ll take off together. The point of a discovery flight is to see if you like flying in a small aircraft. 

For me, that flight is kind of irrelevant, because I’m going to get my pilot’s license even if I’m terrified on that flight, but it’s the best way to start out, so I’m going to do it.

Because I want to fly my own plane someday.

If you knew how crazy that sounds given where I am at, you’d probably try to sit me down and convince me that I need to be more realistic, more grounded, less ambitious, less insane. I’d let you finish talking, but your words would be falling on stony ground. 

Partly because I know that if I die without achieving this goal I would regret it, but also because I truly, madly and deeply believe that if you’re not moving towards something that passionately draws you, you are just waiting out your days to die.

And life is so very, very short if you do that.

It’s too easy to fall victim to the belief that the impossible can’t come true. There are days when I believe it as well, but then my spirit rises up, and tells me that I haven’t gone through everything I’ve gone through without a reason, and that my journey is far from over. The destination is always moving from me, but I think the journey is just as exhilarating as the destination.

So I believe, in spite of all that seeks to show me otherwise.

Maybe that belief is a sign of insanity, or maybe it’s my brain’s way of finding a meaning out of the chaos that is our everyday struggle against the cruelty of the universe. Who knows, and I don’t care. 

We all spend way too much of our lives trying to make sense of everything, rather than just enjoying the ride, and getting as much out of life as we can. Whatever you love, whatever you dream, as long as it’s in line with good principles, you have to go after it. If you don’t, you’ll die a little more each day.

And I don’t want that for you.

Only the biggest dreams, the ones that beckon you on while filling you with doubt are the dreams that have the power to move you beyond the you who is now, and transform you into the you who was always meant to be.

Maybe you’ll reach your goals, or maybe you won’t. The only way to know is to try, and see where your striving takes you. This reality responds to your intention, 

Come fly the universe with me, and let’s see where we find ourselves.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The only way to get there is to start here

The only way to get there is to start here.

What do you need to know to get moving? If you’re like me, you want to see the entire road before you, know every turn, anticipate every problem, plan every solution and try to be one hundred percent sure of each possible moment. 

The more I know about the pathway beyond, the more comfortable I feel about the experience. It sounds like I’m being thorough right, trying my hardest, doing my best?

And yet it’s really what’s holding me (and possibly you) back.

Because the greatest things in life are the things that you are NEVER one hundred percent ready for. When I left my birth country of England to start a new life in America, I had only a concept of a direction for my life, and it’s turned out very differently than I expected. 

When Holly and I were married, we had no idea how everything was going to work. When we made the decision to start a family, we were completely oblivious to how that was going to turn out.

We just set sail for our destination, and started to move.

Which is easier when you’re starting out. The less you have to lose, the easier it is to gamble a little on the fickle winds of fate, and to move forward with confidence. 

But little by little, as we gain more of a ‘life’ and we lose more and more of our ‘time’, it becomes more daunting to take those big steps out into the universe. We prefer to stay safe, warm, hidden and protected.

And if we are not careful, we hibernate into infirmity.

We lose some of the spark of life that provided us with so much passion and energy when were younger. Instead, we settle for security when we could be progressing through a realm of passionate possibilities. 

We give up all that we could experience for the imagined safety of a minimal endurance, and set our feet to standing, when we could be running.

All because we are afraid.

It has been written that doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will, and it’s true. If we struggle with the unknown (which is really just the possibility of failure) and allow our fears to persuade us into paralysis, we miss out on the very spark of life that gives us meaning, that of facing the unknown. 

The very best inside of us often requires a challenge to come forth, and we’re never going to find out how good we are until we set ourselves to walking on the uncharted pathway.

Trusting ourselves that we can deal with whatever comes our way.

So today, I offer you these words as a plea for you to embrace the journeys that you want to start upon, but have been holding back out of a fear of not knowing every step. You will never know everything that you need to know, but you can discover along the way the things you really need, and can discard those you really don’t.

This journey is not for the faint of heart, but for the faithful of courage, for it is the pathway to excitement, adventure and fulfillment.

So what are you waiting for? The only way to get there is to start here.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The gift of the freedom to feel

The gift of the freedom to feel.

We’ve been married over 22 years now. Like all marriages, we’ve had our good times, and our tough times. Days when everything went perfectly, and others where it seemed that nothing could go right. Through all of this, we’ve tried to maintain a kindness with each other, never resorting to petty vindictiveness or deliberate insults. In 22 years, we’ve never tried to hurt each other.

Yet I realize I have hurt her, by holding something back.

Anger isn’t something my wife handles easily. She might get frustrated quicker than others, but honestly being angry and allowing herself to feel it, and even more to express it, is not a skill that she has mastered. 

She’s more likely to hold it in for a long time, and then it comes out in what she calls the ‘ugly cry’, where she’s more likely to be angry with herself for being angry than she is at someone else, especially me.

But part of the reason she struggles is because I don’t make it easy for her to be angry.

Please understand, it’s not that I don’t give her reasons to be angry, far from it. I have more than my fair share of flaws, and they affect her on a daily basis. But because she is my world, and because of some patterns learned in my childhood, her being angry with me is so painful that I tend to close down, and emotionally separate myself from her.

I know it’s a defense mechanism, but it’s not fair to her.

Because there are things that she should be angry about, and things that she needs to tell me about. To make it worse, after 22 years of marriage and because I am kind of a gifted and skilled reader of people, she realizes that even being angry (without expressing it) is hard on me, and so she tries very hard to suppress the natural feelings of frustration that occur in any marriage.

I can’t imagine how hard it is for her being married to me.

So I’m trying to be better about giving her the emotional freedom to be frustrated and angry, without me closing up emotionally. I realize that it will be better for our marriage in the long run if she is free to express her emotions in the way that she wants, without having to constantly worry about how I am going to react to her. 

Of course, it would be better if I could reduce the number of things that frustrate her, and I’m definitely trying to do that. :) 

But for now, the greatest gift I can give her is the freedom to be herself, and to express her thoughts and feelings in the way that she needs to. 

Yes it might be hard for me to hear, but given that I’ve never known her to deliberately try to hurt me, I think I will probably learn more from her moments of anger than she can ever understand.

The greatest gifts we can ever give someone is the freedom to truly be who they are, and feel the way that they feel.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings