Morning Reflection: Lost

Lost.

It’s a terrifying thing, to make a change big enough to rock your world. The decision is usually difficult enough, but once you’ve made that change, you have to deal with the fallout.

That’s bad enough if you know where you are going, but in my experience, sometimes the change that you make is just one of knowing that you have to be somewhere other than where you are right now.

So you make a move, and then things get ‘weird’.

Because without a firm destination, you become lost; adrift in a sea of a million possibilities, without direction, without understanding, and most of all, without anything that feels familiar.

It’s real easy to second guess yourself at the point, and start to question your judgment, your sanity, and most of all your purpose in making the change in the first place.

In the valley of the lost, the questions come fast, and they don’t come fair.

Second guessing ourselves is a terrible habit, because there’s no one better at judging all our mistakes than ourselves. We know our weaknesses, we know our faults. We know the hidden vanities and sadness that drive our decisions if we allow them.

So when things get weird, which they do when we’re lost, we tend to look over ourselves with a critical eye, and find a host of things to beat ourselves up over. We ask ourselves so many questions, trying to find a moment of security in an ocean of uncertainty.

And when you’re in the valley of the lost, the uncertainty drives so many self-defeating behaviors
.
In my coaching work, I focus heavily on helping people find their ‘Why’. I do this because your ‘Why’ defines your directions, and ultimately your destinations. ‘Why’ helps you to know where you are going to end up, even if you don’t have a clue how you are going to get there.

It gives you a reason to set your feet on that journey, even when you’re not sure where you are supposed to place them next.

Being lost is often the first way-point on the way to your destination.

So the next time you find yourself lost after making a huge jump in your life, the first thing I would suggest is allowing yourself the freedom to make uncertain changes.

We’re so comfortable with certainty (one of our six human needs) that we can become angry with ourselves when we make a change that removes some of our certainty, exposing us to fear, potential ridicule, and that always lurking fear in the darkness…failure.

And our fear of failure is driven by a fear that we will not be loved if we make a mistake.

So if you can find a place for it the next time you make a change, allow yourself the kindness of grace.

Know that the change you have made might be taking you through the valley of the lost right now, but it may also lead you into a place where you feel at home, and happier than you have ever been.

The greatest journeys ever told usually start with someone having no idea what they were supposed to do next.
And then doing something anyway.

The greatest choices always start with a feeling of being lost, often being alone, and frequently with a plethora of self doubt. They only way to overcome these feelings is to move forward, further into the fear, deeper into the darkness, and find your way through into the new world that awaits you.

I can’t promise you an easy time, and I can’t promise you that it will always be fun.

But it will be authentically you, and that has a power all of its own.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: I don’t have to be right, I only have to be me

I don’t have to be right, I only have to be me.

Do you ever feel anxious? I think all of us do at some time in our lives, depending upon circumstances. Maybe we’re facing a test at school, or in our profession. Maybe it’s a difficult conversation with a family member that could turn out to be the start of a troublesome period of your relationship.

Or maybe it’s just something small and simple, like a decision that could change the course of the rest of your life :)

And you fear getting it wrong.

Not just wrong in the ‘going from an A to a B’ type of wrong, but more like the ‘this could change the entire course of the rest of my life’ wrong. A wrong so profound that you think that the earth should stop spinning for a moment, and the birds go silent. Where the stars should go out and both heaven and earth mourn the moment of your decision.

Because some decisions seems just that momentous.

But here’s a little secret. 99.9% of the time, they’re not. Because the really hard choices aren’t usually between something good and something bad – they are the easy choices, the ones you make so deep in your soul that it’s never a conscious choice that you’re aware of.

No, the really soul burning ones are mostly a choice between two good or two bad choices.

And like it or not, you have to choose.

Many years ago I struggled with a very difficult decision. In the end I made a choice that was to change my life, and cost me almost 10 years of sadness and difficulty. The outcome still affects me today.

Yet looking back, with all the hindsight I posses, I’m still not sure I made the wrong choice. The alternative could have been better, but it also could have been a lot, lot worse.

The truth is, I’ll never know what I should have chosen, and I’m becoming ok with never knowing.

Because unless you think that your life is one straight line, a perfect linear absolute laid out in front of you, there comes a point when you realize that life is about switching tracks, and trying to find the one that works best for you.

And in that one sentence lies the answer to all of your difficult choices, all those moments where you wondered which way to go.

You simply have to pick the one that most authentically feels right for you.

Now please understand, I’m not advocating narcissism here. Right for you may be the one that you feel is the choice you can live with that will benefit someone you love, even while making your life more complex.

That’s ok, as long as you are clear on why you are making it, and making that choice of your own free will, having cleared out as many latent emotional traumas as you can.

Because when you realize that the ‘right choice’ is the one that fits you best, it’s no longer a matter of ‘right and wrong’ with consequences to rock the universe. Instead, it’s just a question of which is the better fit for the person you are in your soul.

Realizing that you will never get them all right, all you can do is feel which one resonates best with your heart and mind, and then choose that way, and give it all you have.

Most of the time, we can make our choices work out, and if we can’t, well then we’ve learned something that may be of use in the future. As long as you learn something, it wasn’t a failure, just a lesson in what not to do next time.

I’d like to leave you with a phrase today that so touched me at a time in my life, and which has helped me make decisions going forwards.

“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced’.

May you find peace, love, joy and happiness in your experience, and may we sit one day and talk about it together.

I’d love to hear your story.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The tired, old, worn out book on the shelf.

The tired, old, worn out book on the shelf.

Its cover a little frayed around the edges, the tired old book waited on the shelf for someone to read it. If you had happened upon it, you might be mistaken for believing that the book had little to offer.

There were scuffs on the leather, which once was probably beautiful, but not anymore. The title, embossed in a stunning gold leaf, was now barely readable. The book looked like it had seen many better days, but probably very few worse.

And so it sat on the shelf, and waited for a reader to come.

Had it been picked up, the first thing the reader would have discovered were many, many dog-eared pages. This was obviously a book that had been read a multitude of times, probably by far more than a few people.

The pages, which once had been sandwiched together, were now crinkled and warped, resisting each other with a gentle but definite pushing back. Even the spine of the book was weary from too many openings, and had started to detach from the binding.

In short, this book was not pretty, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t be powerful.

For had a reader bothered to turn the pages, they would have found notes scrawled in the margins, passages underlined and highlighted, and cryptic questions written in different hands.

Although some of the pages contained more handwriting than typeface, the message of the book was still there, waiting to bless another soul with its timeless wisdom, and hidden secrets.

This was a book that could enlarge your mind, empower your spirit and heal your soul, but because it looked a little less than perfect, it remained unread, ignored and alone.

“Had I but known” the reader said, “I would have read it cover to cover”. “Had you but tried” the book replied, “I would have shared with you my soul”.

I can tell you that in my life, I have been that guilty reader, who has passed by another person’s story, another fount of wisdom, another human book of wisdom, because they did not meet my idea of attractive, successful or wise.

So many things that I could have learned from another, if only I could have laid down my insecurities, and been willing to listen to someone who did not seem to be like the me who I wanted to be.

But I foolishly judged the books by their covers, to the eternal detriment of my soul.

For as human stories, the chapter headings of our lives are often writ large upon the body that we present to the world, and sometimes those pages are not full of joy and sunshine.

The way we show up in the world is the summary of all the pages of our history, all the chapters of times, and all the words, both good and bad, that have gone into making up our story.

And a person who bears the scars has often taken from those wounds, the wisdom.

Let us not pass by those human stories who differ from us in faith, finances, thought, color or creed. For as the tired, old, worn out book on the shelf had so many mysteries and wonders to share with its reader, so each of us have in our hearts a wonderful human story to share with each other and the world.

Though our covers may be old, or large, or scarred, or colored, our stories within can shine brightly into the universe, regaling all who listen with the beauty, majesty and divinity of the human soul.

May we all take time to read and share stories, both in book and human form.

The world will be a kinder and wiser place when we do.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Danger of Disconnection

The Danger of Disconnection.

Since the dawn of time, we humans have struggled to be connected to each other. Through participating in an intimate relationship, being a part of a family, competing as part of a team or identifying as part of a nation, most people seem to have an innate desire to be connected to somebody else.

It’s actually such a part of our makeup that people who lack that desire are identified as having a pathology.

For most of us, connection allows us to be vulnerable, and open up to others.

There’s probably nothing more important for the emotional health and well-being of a person than having someone who they can talk to. I don’t mean just at a surface level, but somebody who you can really go deep with, who you can share your deepest fears and darkest secrets with.

Because sometimes the words inside of our heads don’t match the reality of the world outside of it, but we’re so close to the problem that we can’t see it.

One of my favorite sayings is “you can’t read the label on your own jar”.

In case you hadn’t guessed from my writing, I’m one of those people that other people like to open up to. Sometimes it’s heartbreaking as a Chiropractor to have a patient come in to the office to get adjusted, and to realize that during the course of our time together that what they really need is someone to listen and make them feel heard, make them feel alive, make them feel human.

I sacrificed more than a few lunchtimes just listening.

Because there’s something incredibly validating about sitting down with somebody who is actually listening to you as a friend, as a partner or just as a human being. When somebody listens they are saying that we are worthy of being listened to, that we have value, that we have something to share and that our life has meaning.

Anyone who has been ignored repeatedly can tell you how brutally painful that can be, especially if it’s someone who claims to care about you.

The pain of that disconnection can sometimes be too much to bear.

Yet in all of the relationships that we have, that provide us the essence of connection, the greatest disconnect I find as I coach people is a profound, intense and heartbreaking disconnection with the truth of who we really are.

Some people live their whole lives never finding the truth of who they were born to be, and even more disheartening are those people who know, but are unable to put the pieces together to make it happen.

There’s nothing worse than knowing who you are supposed to be, and knowing that you are not.
So today I invite you to look at the relationships in your life, and see where you can strengthen, and see where you may need to build.

I know it can be scary, and I know it can be hard, but the way we build connections with others is simply by being authentic, approachable and kind.

Sometimes all we have to do is reach out to another while letting go of our fears.

Because all of us in our lives need a good friend. It’s not the quantity of your friendships that matter, but it’s the quality, the depth, the honesty and the connection.

Those are the things that make life worth living, and give us incredible moment of joy and happiness.

And can help us find who we really are.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: For the Love of Dog

For the Love of Dog

If you’re not a dog person, or an animal person, please hang in there, I promise there’s a point to this. :)

7 months ago we invited Cocoa into our home. At that time, just 11 weeks old, she was tiny. Adorably cute, incredibly inquisitive and with serious desire for food, she took over our house in short order, and within a day or so it felt like she had always been here. Her enthusiasm was infectious, and her joy contagious.

But dogs don’t stay puppies for very long, and our sweet girl is no exception.

As she became bigger, her personality began to develop. She became a little feisty, not in an aggressive way, but in a playful, teasing and testing way. 

Pushing the boundaries to see what she could get away with, and pretending shame and contrition when she got called out on something. I think the smallest unit of measurable time is how long it takes her to go from being ashamed, to being precocious.

She also became opinionated.

She has a very definite policy on the ownership of food (it’s all hers), and the time we need to go to bed as a family. Her frustrated sighs when she doesn’t get what she wants can rival any hormonal teenager, and her ability to talk back when told No is as funny as it can be frustrating. 

Yet for all of the frustrating things that she can do, we love her in a way that is beyond understanding.

And that was where I realized the lesson of her presence in our home.

It wasn’t that she brought love into our home, although she certainly did, but it was so much more. She gave us a focus through which to pour our love, and in a way, she gave us someone to serve. 

Each of us have created our own relationship with this wonderful little girl, and found our reservoir of love overflowing with joy at the chance to be around her.

Because the funny thing about love is that the more you give it away, the more of it you have to give.

It’s true that you have to be careful who you give your love to, but in most cases, loving someone despite their flaws blesses not only your life, but the life of the person who you are sending love to. 

All of us know that we have our flaws, and our failings, yet all of us desire to be loved and connected with someone else, regardless of their flaws and failings.

Love is about seeing past the surface blemishes, and polishing the diamond underneath, so that you can see the light reflecting outward into the world.

And while the person you love may not be as cute as our puppy, they probably haven’t chewed up as many shoes, nor eaten as many ear-plugs (absolutely serious on that), nor barked at random people walking in front of your house.

I guess this post is really about Love. 

We all want it, we all desire to feel it, and we all are worthy and deserving of it, no matter who we are. The more we give it, the more we will receive and have to give away. 

There’s nothing in the world like being loved, and no greater gift that we can give.

I’d love to write more, but right now Cocoa is expressing her profound frustration that I haven’t gone to bed yet. If someone ever tells you that dogs can’t talk, don’t believe them. She may not use the same words, but her eyes, and her voice, speak volumes. :)

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: I have said it and made it true

I have said it and made it true.

Have you ever carried something inside of your mind for so long that it seemed perfectly normal, and perfectly real? A way of looking at the world that made sense as long as it was able to skulk around in the back of your soul, whispering half-truths of comfort and full lies of fear. 

Darkness was its ally, silence its playground, and it feared only one thing, just one small thing.

The light of day.

I can’t tell you how many times a thought has found its way into my head and stayed there so long that it practically declared citizenship. Usually these are things that sound truthful by playing on our fears, and yet they slowly poison our sense of hope and our enjoyment of the many wonderful experiences and people that are around us. 

Suborning our subconscious, it whispers to our weaknesses and dances in the darkness.

Until we bring it forwards into the light.

Because there’s something miraculous about writing or speaking all those things that lurk in the back of our minds. 

I don’t know if you’ve ever had the experience of hearing yourself admit something you’ve been feeling, only to realize just how ridiculous it sounds when you speak it into reality. 

There’s something about making it real in speech or in writing that forces your brain to look at it more closely, with deeper intensity and understanding.

And then you realize just how powerless it really was.

When I started this work 18 months ago I began with only a feeling, a tugging at my soul and a desire to shine a light into my subconscious and understand more about myself. 

Had I known what I was starting, and realized the changes that this work would create in me, I would have been equally excited and scared at the prospect.

Because I have found a strange sense of peace as I have journeyed through my soul, and a greater appreciation for the wonder of our shared humanity.

I have come to understand so much more of who I am and why I think and behave the way I do. I have even found a begrudging sense of self acceptance and a quiet admiration of some of my attributes. As someone who grew up feeling pretty worthless, that’s kind of a strange sensation, but a welcome one.

And I have been humbled beyond belief and filled with gratitude for you, and the way you support this work. 

Those of you who have liked and commented, those of you who have shared your stories, those of you who have messaged me your fears, and especially those of you who have reached out for help and been gracious and trusting enough to allow me the privilege of offering you some small measure of advice.

All of this began by writing thoughts out of my head, and making them real in the world.

Because once something becomes real, you can see whether it is good or not. You can take what works, and leave what doesn’t on the roadside. 

Your journey will be easier, your days will be brighter, and you will find a greater measure of peace in your heart as you do a little pruning and weeding in the garden of your soul.

By bringing it into the light in deciding if it is good.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The House of Black or White

The House of Black or White

Am I a good man? It’s a question that I struggle with on a daily basis. I try to live according to my principles, and yet sometimes I fail. I try to treat others with the utmost respect and kindness, as I believe they should be treated. 

But sometimes I fail. I try to find truth in the never-ending chaos and insanity that is life, and I fail time and time again.

And so I wonder if I am good.

Many years ago I had a very deep conversation with a good friend of mine. When I say good, he is honestly one of those people for whom being good seems to be no kind of challenge at all. 

It’s like being good for him is so natural that he doesn’t even realize that there is even an option to be bad. It would be so out of character for him that it’s practically unimaginable.

So I guess you can add another character flaw to my list, because I’m incredibly jealous of him.

We were discussing the concept of agency, free will, and the choice we make regarding how we treat people. I explained to him that I thought he was a better man than I am because being bad was never an option for him. He countered that if that was true then I was the better man because I constantly had to choose.

If only he knew how hard those choices are sometimes.

For the longest time I’ve struggled with the nature/nurture question. If you’ve read my writings for any length of time, you probably see me share some of the demons of my soul. 

Coming from a fairly dysfunctional childhood can do that, and yet I’ve seen people come from worse who are just naturally “good” people. I’ve also seen people come from better childhoods who turn out to be “worse”.

Reality, it seems, is long questions and very short on answers.

I struggle especially today (Sunday as I write this) because it’s Father’s Day here in the US, and so we celebrate the fathers in our lives. My relationship with my father is virtually nonexistent, and I struggle with the kind of father that I have been. 

I will say that I have amazing relationships with both of my children, and they have very rarely heard me raise my voice. I have tried to parent under principles of kindness, honesty, respect and love, and they both tell me that I have been an amazing father.

But it never matters the words you hear from outside, if the words inside don’t match.

All I see are the things that I could have done better. I see the things that I could not give them that I wished I could have. I see missed opportunities, things in their lives that have been harder because I was not able to be better as a father. 

I honestly believe that their goodness is not a result of my parenting, but a reflection of the wonderful men that they always were.

In short, I have to live with the knowledge that I have not been as good a father as I wanted to be, and so I struggle with the question of if I was good enough. But that is one of those questions that we will never know in this life. 

Some questions don’t have answers, they have possibilities. You can spend the rest of your life beating yourself up for an answer that is never going to arrive.

And really the question isn’t for me to decide. The answer would make no difference.

Because tomorrow I’m still going to wake up and have to make those choices. Tomorrow I’m still going to wake up and have to struggle with my strengths of my weaknesses. 

Tomorrow is going to be full of decisions, and all I can keep doing is making sure that I choose the one that I think is right.

Not necessarily because it will make me “good”, but because I think it’s the right thing to do. 

And that’s all I can ask of myself.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Water Reality

Photo credit to Jared Barnes.

The Water Reality

I always loved the ocean. Growing up on the south coast of England, the ocean was a 10 minute drive. Often it was too cold to go in the water, but you could sit on the beach, and listen to the wisdom of the waves as they pounded relentlessly onto the shore. 

Wave after wave, hour after hour, year after year. Teaching us lessons, if only we would listen.

I took me a long time, but I think I’m finally learning.

And I started with the simple lessons, like how water can assume any shape you give it. From this I discovered that life was best lived to the fullness of all I could be. The water does not complain about the size of the container, it just fills as much of it as it can. I also realized that water was water, no matter the shape or the volume or the orientation.

Water is water, like humans are human.

When I learned about the states of water, it helped me realize that we are often in different states of being, yet they are still all part of the whole. The ice that becomes water that becomes steam is the steam that can become water and turn to ice. So it is with the times of lives, passing between sorrow and calm and joy and back again.

The transitions are a part of the journey, and are necessary to the experience of the whole.

I learned that water can obscure my vision as rain, yet the very same water can clean a window, or a lens, to allow me to see clearly. So the water is never the problem, only the way that I see it. That taught me to look for the good in every situation, and helped me understand that there is never a meaning to an experience until I assign it.

And as I can use the water for my benefit, so I can use the experience for good if I choose to.

For water is neither good, nor evil, yet it is essential to life. 

From water does all life flow – be it in the trillions of cells that make up our bodies, or the rain that grows the plants and trees that are so very necessary to allow our continued existence on this ocean floating in the stars. Without it we suffer, without it we starve, without it we die.

How curious that our most precious molecule is one of the most abundant.

But the water had one more lesson to teach me, but this took me a long time to understand. In its components parts of hydrogen and oxygen, they will cause fire to burn hotter and faster, to the consumption and destruction of all around it. 

Yet bound together, water reduces and removes the flames, instead bringing the gift of coolness and calm.

Is there a better way to show us the need to work together, as families, as partners, as nations and as a world? Only bound together can we overcome the destructiveness of our human nature, and find growth and gratitude for the blessings of life that we have been given. 

Alone we are powerless against the storms of life, but together we can withstand all that would stand against us. 

Such is the reality of water, such is the reality of our lives.

I feel I must return to the ocean again soon. There are more lessons to learn, and I have been gone too long from my teacher. 

(I'm so happy to share today's picture with you, for it was taken by my son. Early in the morning, he saw the beauty of the morning dew, and shared a small portion of his incredible talent with all of us.)

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Dangerous Vice of Your Virtues

The Dangerous Vice of Your Virtues.

As humans, we seem driven by the notions of right and wrong. We seem to like black and white answers in a universe of so many colors, because it makes choosing easier. If you’ve got an even chance between getting it right and getting it wrong, then it’s an easier choice to make than if you know that your chance of getting it right is one in ten, or one in fifty.

So we try to see everything as good and evil.

Most of us honestly try to do what we think is good, and yet we are able to garner some measure of understanding when someone chooses something other than that which we think is right. 

That is, until it comes to something that we think is a virtue, because then all bets are off, and we move into the dangerous arena where our desire to feel superior goes to battle against our inclination to be kind.

Because seeing someone do something we feel is in opposition to virtue has the terrible tendency to make us feel like we are right.

Which can become very addictive. 

Before we are aware of it, we begin to judge everyone by the standards that we feel are virtuous, and gravitate only to those who share our self-defined version of virtue, wholesomeness and worthiness. In the blink of an eye, we divide the world into those who are good, and those who are not.

And guess which side of the line we always fall on.

There’s a peculiar danger in judging your own virtues, in that we can very soon find ourselves puffed up in our own importance, secure in the knowledge of our own goodness as we see those around us choose what we consider unclean and unworthy. 

In doing so, we spend so much time looking at the errors of others that we cannot see the hardness of our own hearts, and our separation from those who might not look, feel, or believe like we do.

As with all addictions, isolation follows, and then a bitterness sinks in.

Whenever I find myself judging someone, I try to stop and see just how many things we have in common, rather than counting those things on which we disagree, and look for all the ‘virtues’ that we share, which are so many. 

I have found this to be a powerful exercise in community and caring, forcing me to find the common humanity in our existence, rather than finding solace in my imagined superiority.

You’ll be amazed at how many wonderful people are around you when you seek for the good in them, rather than seeing what you consider to be the bad.

For me, this practice has helped me to see the divine spark in everyone (well, almost everyone… :) ) around me. It changes my interactions with those who might be or believe differently, and it helps me step into the world each day with a greater peace, a stronger sense of love, and a deeper desire to serve in any way that I can.

For there is good in this world, and in people, if we will only train our eyes to see it, and our souls to find it.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Moment

The Moment.

It’s funny how you can spend your whole life waiting for a moment to arrive, but when it does, you’re surprised by it. 

Maybe you’ve dreamed about it, or prayed about it, or worked so hard to make it all possible. Maybe it just showed up out of the blue, without warning or understanding, and you’re left with a feeling like life will never, ever, be that same again.

And it never, ever will be.

Usually for me, these types of moments show up when a situation occurs that forces me to do something that I’ve been struggling to push myself to do. 

Then the universe decides to align events to give me a helping hand, even though at the time it feels like the weight of the world dropping onto my shoulders, as the lights go out, the sirens go off and every pathway is blocked, except the one I have been desperately avoiding.

These moments are usually known as a divine storm, but when I’m in them, they can feel like the end of the world.

But sometimes it’s the other side of that equation. Sometimes it’s that magical moment where you feel the Lego blocks of the universe slide into place, and deep in your soul you hear that quiet profound ‘click’, and you see, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, how the pieces were always going to come together. 

And your heart skips a beat, as you realize you have crossed a line, and moved into another time period in your life.

I had one of those yesterday evening. As I sat down to write today’s reflection, which was going to be something completely different, I felt that small shift in my soul that helped me realize a moment had just arrived. While it filled me with a sense of excitement, there was also a very healthy side of fear, nervousness, anxiety and dread.

Because this moment was the one where I knew I had to start becoming who I have been trying to be.

I think many of us have a knowledge of who are really are, deep in our hearts. We probably don’t think about it too often, because it’s kind of scary. To borrow a quote from Marianne Williamson, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us”. 

Have you ever felt that way?

As I sat quietly in the time after that moment hit me, I heard all the usual statements running through my head. How I’m not good enough, not smart enough; how I’ll screw it up somehow; how people will laugh at me. How crazy I am to think that I have something to offer the world, and that anyone will take me seriously.

But this time, they are quieter. Still there, but in their own way less sure of themselves. I think even the voice of my subconscious felt the moment pass through me, and it’s not sure of what happens next. No one is. The only thing that is certain now is change, and uncertainty.

But that’s ok. 

I have survived all the uncertain moments of my life up to this point and in some way they have been preparing me for this one. I managed to live through every change so far, even though some have hurt me deeply.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that my track record for surviving a moment in my life has been pretty good so far, so I’ll trust in that and move forwards.

And you know, your track record for surviving things is pretty good too. 

What’s your next moment going to be?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Collateral

Collateral

A common experience running through the heart of humanity is that all of us at some time have been hurt by the actions of someone else. I’ve seen enough of life to know of the terrible cruelty that can be perpetrated by one person to another, intentionally and with malice. 

And while that is a horrible thing to endure, I think the counterpoint is much more common than we realize.

Because many times we get hurt or damaged by someone who did not intend it.

For many years I was extremely angry with my father for many parts of my childhood. The fact that we haven’t spoken in probably 15 years is kind of indicative of that. Yet a few years ago something shifted in my soul, and I was able to realize that while his actions were malignant, there did not seem to be any deliberate intention, or malice, on his behalf.

In his own way, he was damaged by his father, and that damage ricocheted onto me.

From what I understand from the very little I know of my father’s father, that was not intentional either. He seemed to be a good sort of a man, trying to make his way in the world. I believe he tried to do what he thought was right, even though it turned out to be the completely wrong thing to do. 

Regardless of his best efforts, my father was collateral damage.

And I was the collateral damage of my father.

I wish I could tell you that it stops there, but that would fly in the face of reason, experience and basic common sense. I can see that my wife and my children have in some ways been the collateral damage that I never intended, as I have tried to work through my own weakness, trials and failings. 

I have to live with that, and in some ways, I think it’s harder than had I done something willfully.

Because failing to do enough can feel like a worse scar on your soul than doing something you shouldn’t have. Because doing something bad gives you one thing to feel sorry for, whereas failing to do enough is a never ending list of things that you could have done, had you known better, or tried harder, and you get to feel sorry for all of those things, not just one.

The truth is that we are all collateral damage from the people we are close to.

My wife has been a collateral damage victim of her parents, just as they were from their parents, and it goes backwards forever. In the same way, our children are the collateral victims from her as well as from me. We are trying to change the things that we see, all the while mindful that there are things we probably don’t see, or won’t see for many years to come.

It’s called parenting. We all do the best we can, knowing that it’s never going to be right.

And it presents me with a difficult conundrum. For in as much as I would beg forgiveness from my children for the damage I have done to them, I realize I should offer forgiveness to my father for the things he did to me…. And I struggle with that. 

Mightily.

Because even though someone isn’t necessarily to blame, it doesn’t take away what was done, and how that still affects us to this day. In not talking to my father, I can’t tell if I am protecting myself from further pain, or preventing the closing of a wound.

I only know that sometimes, even though the damage was never intended, it has been done, and sometimes those who have been hurt deserve the kindness of distance and space to live their own lives in the way that they need to.

Because all of us are just trying to find peace, and sometimes, that comes with a price.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Doubling Down on Madness

Doubling Down on Madness.

So I was prepared to lie. Well, not lie exactly…. Just become a different version of myself for a few minutes. Probably more like the person most people think I am (and would like to be), rather than the person I feel like I am normally. 

The only noticeable difference is that one sounds American (me) while the other (also me, but the person I’d like to be) sounds rather more English.

But the differences below the surface are much more profound.

My wife Holly and I were in our favorite place in the whole world again, up in the mountains. There’s a place we like to stay, and a small city we like to visit. I needed to get away to work on a project, and we also wanted to find some mental peace and quiet.

We also went to look at a house. A dream house. If you remember the one I wrote about several months ago, well let’s just say that this dream house is so much more expensive than the other dream house.

Like a moderate-sized aircraft-type expensive dream house.

Why would I go to look at something I have no visible pathway to owngin? Because if I can’t dream, I’ll stay stuck where I am, and I can’t live with that. So I try to load as many things as I can onto the dream/desire side of the equation, and hopefully the attraction will be enough to compel me to push past my many fears and manifest what I really want in life. 

These type of mental games can drive you crazy, and I felt like I was doubling down on madness looking at a house that is insanely beyond our reach right now.

But we went to look anyway, and it was all I hoped it would be.

The house is at the end of a long, narrow and quiet road that ends in a huge lake. There are very few homes on this road, and I’m guessing they get very little traffic. As we drove in, parked and got out of the car to look at this dream location, a man started walking up the road like he wanted to talk to us. 

Given our older SUV, I think it was pretty obvious we were not viable buyers, and I expected to get asked to leave. I felt kind of embarrassed to be caught somewhere I really had no legitimate reason to be (that British sense of decorum and manners is really strong), and I was prepared to be talked down to and admonished.

So to avoid those feeling and meet his challenge, I decided to become the other me (well, one of them, but more on that another time), the sophisticated Englishman. Americans will let you get away with just about anything if you are British :)

For me to change accents takes a single thought, especially to go back to an English accent. But the strange thing today was that standing outside that house, ready to defend my presence with a very polished, forthright, sophisticated and very British demeanor, I actually felt for a moment like I was the person who could afford it, who belonged there. 

Calm, determined, focused and present. Ready to deal with anything this man had to throw at me with a polite, but very resolute attitude. It's certainly not the person I usually feel like I am

And for one moment, I experienced what being like that really felt like, and it was surprising.

I felt like I was a person who could afford that house, be that successful, that determined, that reliable, that powerful. I’d never experienced that definition of myself until today, and it kind of shocked me. 

Coming from a pretty dysfunctional and economically challenged family, I struggle with a self-definition that makes believing in myself significantly harder than it should be.

But for a few seconds today, I felt like I really was more than the image of myself that I carry in my soul, and I liked it.

The funny thing is, the guy walking towards us went onto a pathway on the other side of the road, and wasn’t coming to speak to us at all. All my mental preparations were unnecessary. I was still English for a few minutes, because Holly likes hearing it, but soon enough I was back to just being the American version of me.

But it made me really ponder the soul-image I hold of myself right now, and how I might change that along the way. 

Because if changing myself is as easy as a thought, and an accent, then maybe my soul-image really isn’t something that can hold me back at all. 

Maybe I can just be the better version of me, and see what happens when I do.

And it got me to thinking… what image do you hold of yourself?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Of What Do You Dream?

Of What Do You Dream?

Don’t tell me you don’t have them, because everybody does. Maybe it’s money beyond counting, or a partner who fulfills your every need, or a house that portrays your status. Maybe it’s for the healing of a loved one, or the return of a family member to the path that you desire them on. Whoever you are, whatever you’re doing, as long as you have breath, I’m pretty sure you have a dream.

I know I do.

Mine are complex, multi-faceted and frustrating. Some I would share with everyone, and some I would never admit to anyone. Many a time I’ve been told that my dreams are unrealistic, that there’s no way it could ever work out. 

When I was 12 years old a boy at school made fun of me for having the dream of living in the United States. “It’ll never happen” he said, and he was wrong. I’ve lived longer in this country now than in the country of my birth. I had no idea how it would work out, but it came to pass. 

One down, a million to go.

I dream of being able to help people transform their lives from pain and suffering to joy and happiness. This work is a part of that dream, and I hope one day to look back at this as the foundation from which I was able to do so many good things. 

I didn’t realize exactly where this was going when I started, and I’m still kind of vague on the details and the direction, but I know that I did the most important step almost 18 months ago.
I simply got to work, and started doing what felt right.

Was I afraid that I could look stupid, of course. Did I wonder if anyone would read this…I still do. Did I worry that people would tell me I was a fool to think that I could write – honestly yes. 

But there comes a point where you either have to chase your dreams, or get busy dying, and so I decided to get busy.

And slowly, inexorably, my dream is beginning to come to pass. I still have a long way to go, but I’m moving forward.

But I’m also curious about you. What are your dreams, and what are you doing to make them come to pass? What are the dreams you would tell me about, and which ones would you keep close and hidden, afraid to share because of what you think it says about you? If asked, what would you say is holding you back, and what is driving you forwards? 

What do you really hope to achieve, or to own, or to see, or experience?

And do you understand why you dream that? Because having a dream is good, but knowing why it’s important to you is so much more. Your dreams are really the guideposts to the deepest wants and needs of your soul, expressed in desire, hidden by doubt, and nourished by hope.

Whatever you dream, I hope you have a plan to pursue it, and are following that plan with everything you possess, and every ounce of energy that you have.

I'm here to help in any way that I can.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Eternal Evolution of Time

The Eternal Evolution of Time.

We can’t stop it. It doesn’t matter how hard you try, it’s moving as fast as ever. Even though Mr. Einstein tells us it’s relative (which it is) it’s always going in the same direction. Forward and onward. Relentless in its determination to force us to do things, it challenges us to act, or pay the price of sitting still and doing nothing. 

You can’t bargain with it, reason with it, or try to stop it.

You’re on this ride for however long you get stay a part of it. Although we have some input as to the direction we travel, nothing is certain, not even tomorrow. One day, maybe far off in the future, maybe close around the corner, tomorrow might not be so sure. 

All we know is that with our current understanding, there will come a day that finishes your journey here.

As to what happens next – well, that’s up for a lot of debate.

But no one really knows. We all have different beliefs, hopes and dreams for what comes after life on this earth, but none of us can prove anything. We have to take a lot on faith to believe beyond the now.

Some view that faith as a sign of strength, others as a cry of desperation. Sometimes faith stays the same forever, and other times it changes half way through the ride. 

Sometimes faith is discarded by an admission that we can never know.

But time doesn’t care about your faith. It seems less interested in what you believe than in what you are doing. It doesn’t respond to static conviction, but it certainly seems to notice when you begin to apply your intention in a specific direction, and back it up with effort and most importantly emotion. 

Although we cannot bargain with time and the universe, it does seem that we enlist it’s help in our endeavors.

And by asking for its help, we can ally ourselves with the passing of each day.

Yet asking is not enough, because that only shows a belief that you can ask. To be effective, your belief has to be intertwined with your intention, which proves your belief with action. 

And finally, to resonate with the universe, you have to bring the emotion, the passion, and the gratitude necessary to fill each moment of time granted to you with the power to become what you wish it to be.

I know that sounds like a lot, and it is.

But you can choose to either make time work for you, or you allow time to work upon you. Each minute you waste, each day you let slide, each year you allow to pass into the hereafter and the gone forever is a time you can never retrieve and ‘do-over’. 

Nothing can return that which is lost, including all the chances you had to be the person you wanted to be.

The only thing you can change is what comes next.

So today I invite you to respect the time you have been given by making it count. Do the things you have been putting off, live the dreams you have been too scared to follow, and decide that you will live life to the fullest in every breath, in every heartbeat.

Because once you show up with a desire to live each moment, you'll find that each moment suddenly becomes worth living.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: By What Should I Judge You?

By What Should I Judge You?

It’s a dangerous thing, judgment. Too little of it, and we leave ourselves open to all manner of people who would do us harm, take our possessions and leave us broken and bleeding on the highway of life. 

But use too much judgment, and we find ourselves living in a rigid shell that leaves very little room for others, and no room for compassion and caring.

So by what standard should we judge each other, and by what standards should I judge you?

Should I judge you by your physical appearance? Although we are told never to judge a book by its cover, the physical appearance you present to the world allows me to see things in you. 

The clothes you wear, the makeup you choose and how it is applied, the style of your hair and any jewelry you picked out for today. All of these are messengers to your soul.

Yet all of them can be changed, and you would still be you.

So should I judge you by the words you speak? As someone who is practiced in observing the subtle nuances of word choice, pauses, pitch variations, intonations and inflections, the words you speak and how you say them give me insights to your thoughts and dream, your hopes and fears. 

Many a time I have helped someone in a coaching session by hearing the thing that they didn’t say, and yet were desperate to speak.

But your words can change over time, and you would still be you.

So should I judge you be the company you keep? Depending upon different times of my life, and the varied and different people who have crossed my way, you could either decide that I was a felon in training, or a preacher in possession of beliefs. 

If you were to see my friends now, you would probably think I am a very blessed person, and I would agree with you.

And yet all of my friends could leave me, and I would still be me.

I have to confess that in my youth, and especially as a young man, I was very arrogant, and judged myself above most people. 

I have realized that that was actually a defense mechanism, a way to assuage and suppress the terrible feelings I had about myself but was never comfortable exploring and exposing. So I mistakenly believed I was better than most.

Until the truth came crashing down upon me, and I realized a startling and humbling truth.

That I cannot judge anyone at all.

Because it doesn’t matter what standard we try to judge another by, we are never going to come a fair judgment. 

Unless we are that person, we have no idea of the horrors they have been through, the fears that stalk their dreams, and the heartache that haunts their happiness. It’s far too easy to judge in the absence of the truth, and it does not credit to the judge, or the judged.

So we have to find another way.

And I’ve come to believe that the only way to balance judgment is to lead with compassion alloyed with concern. Concern for their well being, balanced with concern for myself and those for whom I am responsible for. 

Compassion for the person I see before me, and also the people who may be affected by their behavior and beliefs.

In realizing that judgment (which is really observation with discernment) has to be present, I can only hope that by leading with compassion, I can temper my own fears and failings, and judge in a state of kindness, and with a hope of peace for all.

May we all judge with compassion, and find peace together in our judgments.

Using our discernment to guide us home.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Power of Trusting Yourself

The Power of Trusting Yourself.

Are you someone you can trust? For many years now, I haven’t really trusted myself in the way that I would like to. From being overweight, to constantly procrastinating things that needed doing, I’ve always known that there was a good chance that I was going to let myself or someone else down at some point. 

Not when there was a crisis, because I’m really good in those (I’m actually a chaos addict – but that’s another post for another time), but when there was an everyday thing that needed doing, I was the one person I knew who would probably mess that up. 

The little things, the foundational every day requirements of life are very often the things that cause me the greatest stress, and end up in a great distress. I can procrastinate in ways that terrify me.

And so I learned not to trust myself.

Which is a terrible thing, because not trusting yourself means that you usually don’t take chances, unless you are forced into it during a moment of desperation. 

Not taking chances leads to the very real outcome of living with the poison of regret for never having risked becoming the person you want to be. It’s not a feeling you ever want to experience

But how do you learn to trust yourself, when you have a history of letting yourself down.

Like most things, it starts with an honest desire to change. I use the word honest, because many times I think we tell ourselves that we want to change, but deep down we know it’s a lie. 

What we really want is a different outcome to the same actions so we don’t have to put in the effort, or give up that thing we know is wrong but feels so right at the time. 

But eventually you’ll find that point where you really do want to become trustworthy to yourself, and you’ll begin the long process of creating self integrity, which is vital to self understanding, and self compassion.

Wanting it bad enough is the first step.

From there, you start with something really simple, like making your bed, or laying your clothes out for the next day the night before. Don’t pick something crazy difficult, or insanely time consuming. Just find one small thin you can do every day to make your life better, and then do that thing. Set a reminder on your phone if you have to.

And then don’t stop trying until you get it right.

Sure, you’ll probably fail a bunch of times along the way, we all do. But one day, you’ll find yourself doing that thing, and you’ll realize that you can trust yourself in that thing, and you’ll realize that you can be trustable.

Which is where the magic begins.

Because trust, like courage, is infectious. Once you feel the joy of trusting yourself in that one thing, you’ll begin to find other ways to trust yourself. 

Slowly, or quickly, your trust changes into the confidence in yourself that you will do that important things, the large and the small things, that will change your world, and the world of those around you.

Who will you be when you make the jump to trusting yourself ?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Stillness

Morning Reflection: It all starts when you stop

It all starts when you stop.

I know, it doesn’t make sense, but it’s true. There are so many things you have to stop before you start something. 

For me, the things I have to stop are over-thinking, procrastinating and perfectionism. But there’s one other thing that’s actually at the root of all 3 of these, and needs to be taken care of before anything else.

I need to stop thinking. 

When was the last time you allowed your mind to rest? I don’t mean sleeping, although that always sounds good. What I’m talking about here is a focused, determined and decidedly non-thoughtful period where you tried your very best to focus on just one sensation, to the exclusion of all others. This isn’t new, it’s practice that has been followed for thousands of years.

It’s a simple little thing called meditation.

And I’m kind of joking when I say simple, because although the concept is, it’s also one of the hardest things that I have ever tried to do. 

For someone like me, who has a mind that is always watching, seeking, learning, analyzing, planning, jumping, writing and observing, trying to maintain a single focus is physically draining, emotionally demanding and sometimes just downright disheartening.

But I try to practice nonetheless.

Because trying to find a moment of silence in my mind is where my greatest changes have begun. When I can form an idea, a plan, a process or a goal, in the absence of all the noise and negativity that usually exists inside of my head, I can see the future for what it can be. 

I can feel excited, engaged, present and powerful in planning the steps necessary to make whatever moves I need to execute on the inspiration that is guiding me.

And in that moment, I can become the person I desire to be.

If you’ve ever experienced what I’m talking about, you’ll understand the incredible power that is present when you focus all of your awareness, intelligence and passion into a single thought, and follow it with all your heart. The things we can do are absolutely incredible, but often we default to the least we need to do…

All because there’s too much noise inside of our head.

So today, I invite you to stop for a few minutes, sit comfortably, and just breathe. Focus on the sensation of breathing, feeling the breath enter and leave your body, your lungs inflate and deflate through the movement of air, and the gentle sounds and rhythm of your soul as you try to consistently focus on just the action of breathing.

You’ll probably realize just how hard it is to stay focused on that one thing.

But I’ll promise you this. The more you practice, the calmer your mind will be become, the more focused and present you’ll be, and the less your brain will run away from you. 

As your thoughts become more streamlined, you’ll find the peace and serenity that allows you to chart a course for your life, rather than allowing life to determine a course for you.

If you desire peace, prosperity, passion and productivity, just stop doing everything.

Start breathing.

And believe.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: How do I help you get over it?

How do I help you get over it?

The first track on the Eagle “hell freezes over” album is a blistering, hard driving, rock ‘n roll song with a chorus that implies that we should all just “get over it”. Don Henley in his inimitable way writes an amazing lyric that tells us that we should just shut up, quit whining, and get on with our lives. 

And while I love the idea of people taking action, I have to admit that I hate the judgment behind that sentence.

Because it’s so easy to say “get over it”, but we all have our own things we are trying to get over. There’s nothing more addictive to somebody who is judgmental or who does not want to extend compassion than to tell somebody else to just “get over it”, without ever understanding why the person has a problem and what happened in the first place.

If we could see the trauma that people have experienced, I hope we would be more compassionate.

And then maybe we’d be a lot less inclined to tell somebody to get over it. Instead we would actually offer them compassion and kindness, which we struggle with, because both of those require us to let go of her own wants and needs, and care about somebody else, and sometimes we struggle to do that.

Because when you’ve been through something traumatic, the last thing we want to do is re-visit it.

When we break something or tear something physically we are taught to get it treated, and then leave it alone and let the body heal it; that eventually the body will take care of it. I can tell you as a Doctor that that doesn’t always work, and people end years later going through a long period of rehabilitation for something that could’ve been cleaned up a lot quicker.

The same is true emotionally.

When something has been done to us or happen to us that tears at our soul, it leaves a wound that really needs to be “cleaned” and stitched and nurtured and cared for, but because of the pace of our lives and the difficulty in re-living the trauma, we tend to ignore it and “move on”, trusting that “time will heal all wounds”.

But it doesn’t.

Instead a scar forms in our soul and we are never the same person. That particular emotional wound manifests itself as avoidance, attachment, anxiety and the absence of joy. It changes how we act and handle situations, which continues to cause us further pain and suffering.

So my invitation for you today is that next time you feel the urge to tell somebody “get over it”, instead you asked them “how can I help you get over this”. 

It’s a small difference in wording, but it actually changes everything. Because it indicates that you believe that they can get over it, and that you stand ready and willing to help them through the pain that they have to get through to heal.

We are all fighting our own battles, and we all have our scars.

May we learn to reach out with compassion rather than judgment, kindness rather than cruelty, and love rather than selfishness.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Chronos Incarcerous - (Imprisoned by Time)

Chronos Incarcerous - (Imprisoned by Time)

There’s a certain magic to the time that you live in. It defines your thoughts, your ideals, your principles and your relationships. 

Have you ever wondered who you would be if you were born 100 years ago, without the access and understanding that we have today? What about if you were born 100 years from now, with the increased knowledge and abilities that we will have by then?

When you start to understand time, you really start to understand that we are its prisoner, as well as it’s beneficiary.

And sometimes you’ll find people who are stuck at a certain moment in time, somewhere deep in their past. Usually because of a tragic or highly emotional event that they have been unable to exist beyond, they seem to circle over and over, never coming into the time that is their own, until someone finds a way to set them free, so that they can join ‘now’ again.

Do you know anyone like that – maybe very personally?

I’ll share with you that there’s a part of me still imprisoned in the past. How do I know this… because in the quiet moments of my day, when my awareness wanders, I find myself having conversations in my head with a person with whom I will never be at peace. 

Instead of being able to focus forwards, I am dragged back into the past, over and over, trying to explain reasons to someone who will never understand why I did what I did.

Thankfully, over time, those ‘imagined conversations’ are become fewer, but they still happen.

Yet in examining that person, I realize that they too are a prisoner of their time. Had they been born later, or even now, I think they would have turned out quite differently, given access to a kinder understanding, to a more compassionate world. 

They are as much a prisoner of their time, as I am of mine.

So I try to see that person as just their consciousness, not their expression of that consciousness in a temporal frame. It’s hard to do, but sometimes I manage it, and it brings peace to my heart.

Because all of us are shaped by the events, attitudes and experiences that have accompanied our mortal journey. 

The time we are in is as much a place as our location, with its own hills and valleys, it’s own ocean and mountains. When you start to see time in all its dimensionality, and you see how it affects people, you begin to understand that who they are is a complex equation of ‘when’ they are, as much as what has happened to them and the choices they have made.

And are still making, and yet will make.

So today, I invite you to see the people around you not just for who they are, but when they are, and try to see the goodness and divinity of the timeless consciousness that is trapped in time, along with you.

Because when you can see beyond now, the future and the past, you arrive at a timeless forever, seeing everyone, including yourself, for who you really are.

And then you will know wonder.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings