Morning Reflection--Healing: Deciding Who You Grow Up to Be

Healing: Deciding Who You Grow Up to Be.

It sounds crazy to say that at 49 years old, I’m still trying to decide who I want to be when I grow up, but I think there’s more truth to that than even I want to admit to.

I’ve been doing an incredible amount of soul searching over the last few days since my previous post, and what I have to share will probably take a while to sort out, but all of my ponderings have led me to this one vital truth.

I need to heal the child inside of me, and finally become the person I want to be.

We all seem to operate within a preconception that taking another trip around the sun, riding this planet through the void of space, should give us another year of wisdom and maturity, but it doesn’t always happen that way.

I’m sure you’ve met some people who struggle year in and year out to finally feel like a functioning adult, bound to the past by something they have been unable to break through. While they look and sound like fully functional adults, there’s something missing in their soul that aches them to the core.

If you haven’t met someone like that before, well… you have now.

Since I last wrote for you, I’ve done something that hasn’t happened in a long time. I reached out on email to my sister, who still lives in England. Through some very heartfelt and honest communication, we’ve opened us some old wounds, sharing memories of the things that we experienced during our childhood, and how those things made us feel.

While it has been good to reconnect with her, the recollections haven’t been ones that I’ve enjoyed.

Because despite popular opinion, reaching emotional maturity isn’t something that’s guaranteed. The evolution of a child into an adult happens much more reliably in biology than it does in psychology.

For a young boy to grow into a man, the physical body needs nutrition, hydration and rest. For a child to grow into an fully emotional adult he requires safety, compassion, guidance and love.

And if any of those are missing, some rather difficult emotions can occur.

As I’ve gone deeper into myself than ever before, facing sadness and loneliness, grief and loss, I’ve come to a greater realization of all that is broken inside of me, and of the parts of me that are still like a child, crying in the corner, desperately trying to find a way out of the nightmare that he feels like he’s stuck in.

Trauma, it seems, is a very effective deterrent to progressing.

As I sat here tonight (Sunday evening) I finally, for the first time, felt a movement in my soul unlike anything I have felt before. After a week marked by sadness, tears, frustrations and a powerful desire to scream, I experienced a sensation that feels like a small step forward.

I began to see the possibility of the person I could become, and I realized that I could come to like being him.

The idea of liking myself is not one I have a lot of experience with.

Which is how I find myself trying to decide who I want to be as I try to evolve into a mature responsible adult. It’s a very strange thing to realize that you are in essence parenting yourself, but the more I look back, the more I understand that there was no one available to do it right the first time.

Both of my parents were too busy trying to survive the emotional train wreck of their lives be able to provide much of what I needed.

So it’s up to me, and I’m grateful to have Holly by my side as I try to make this happen.

Because after all the emotional personas that I feel like I’ve been wearing all these years, the one thing I want to make sure that happens is that I become as authentically me as I can, and hopefully growing in kindness, compassion and love.

Because without those, what would be the point.

Thank you all so much for your kind comments and messages after my last post. You really mean the world to me ❤️❤️❤️

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Sabbatical

Sabbatical

I’ve been writing this work for almost 2 years now. Other than holidays, I’ve missed one day due to sickness. I’ve tried to be as consistent as I know how to be, both in the writing, and in replying to your kind comments and questions.

It’s been a joy, a privilege, a blessing and a very humbling experience to try and bring you something of value each day, welding together words for you to ponder, and hopefully making your journey through this vale of tears just a little bit easier.

And I’ve loved every minute of it.

Writing this work has changed my life, in some very literal and powerful ways. I’ve come to understand so much more about who I am, where I am in my personal journey, and in some aspects, just how very far I have to go.

It’s challenged every belief, every preconception and every way of seeing the world that I had. I think it’s helped me grow into a better person, kinder and more compassionate than I used to be.

And I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

But I’m at a point in my life where I need to take a break for a time. I’ve been hit with a few emotional bombs over the last little while, and their combined effect has been to do something that I have been trying to make happen for a very long time, but was unable to accomplish because of the pain and trauma it would cause.

The bombs have ripped the band aid of willpower off of my deepest emotional wounds.

Which, if you’ve ever been there, is one of the most painful things you can go through. I’ve cried for the first time since my son was born 21 years ago, and diagnosed with a condition that nearly killed him in his first few hours.

He required an open-heart procedure at 6 days old to give him back a normal life, and unless you’ve been there, you can’t imagine how traumatic that experience was.

I’ve held so much together since then, carrying the earlier and deeper wounds from my childhood through that experience, and carrying those plus others picked up along the intervening years.

And I’m at a point where I need lay down my burdens, and work on healing me.

Over the last little while, I‘ve had some nights of very little sleep. I’ve walked the floor, crying while I thought, and allowed myself to feel things that I’ve kept suppressed for such a long time.

If you know me, and have seen the insane levels of willpower that I can manifest, you’ll understand how scary it is for me to say that I can’t hold it together anymore.

So I need to spend a little while going through some things that are really going to hurt, and I don’t want to drag you through it.

There’s probably going to be some pretty dark and painful days ahead, and I don’t want to put that energy out into the world.

Of course, I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t learning the lessons, finding the truths and storing up things to share through this work, (I even stopped in the middle of crying last night to note down a new concept I realized), but I need to make sure that when I share those lessons, I’m in a place that allows me to do it properly.

And right now, I’m nowhere near there, wherever that is.

I’m not abandoning this work, far from it. I hope to return in a little while and write about the deeper truths I’ve discovered through this process. I will admit that I’m a little scared about what I’m going through, but I’m hopeful that this is what I’ve needed to prepare me for the next evolution of my life, and to become the person I’m trying to be.

Because I’m either falling apart, or putting together Alan 2.0.

I think I have an idea as to how this is going to end up, but when you’re stripping away so much of a person and getting down into their foundations, you never quite know how it’s going to turn out.

I’m going to be dancing with demons that have plagued me for as long as I can remember, and the journey to salvage my soul could take me many thousands of miles into the past.

And I’ve been avoiding that for the last 23 years.

So I’m going to ask for your patience and understanding as I work through the next period of my life. I may post infrequently, or I may not post at all.

I promise you that anything I do share will be thought out, and the result of some deep introspection and understanding, shared with the intention of hopefully helping someone who may benefit from the truths that I am learning, which has been my hope and my desire all along.

But for now, this is me, signing off.

We’re all travelers through this journey called life, and right now, I need to walk alone for a while.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: “You’re Gonna Die”

“You’re Gonna Die”.

A mentor of mine shared this truth when a woman on the street came up to him and asked him for three words of motivation.

He thought about it for a couple of seconds, and looked into the cell phone she was holding, and stopped her cold. The simple phrase, 3 words long, was the ultimate truth anyone can ever understand.

And the look on her face was priceless.

What instinctively sounded like something depressing was in fact the most honest, powerful and liberating truth that anyone can ever share with you. Because this life, right now, is all you can be sure of.

Despite a million different claims of what happens next, you have to worry about what is directly in front of you, what you are experiencing right now.

And the only way to enjoy it, and feel like you gave it your best shot, is to be Yourself.

Because authenticity is kind of in short supply right now. From social media to the news media and everyone else in between, there’s so much positioning, spin and outright falsehoods that when you come across someone who is authentic, it resonates with your soul in a way that seems too good to be true.

That’s why I try hard to be real in this work, because I don’t want to give people the impression that I’m more than I am.

So that you can understand that it’s ok to be 100% you,

If we were to talk, you’d find that I struggle, I fear, and I have times of feeling lonely. I have my strengths, and many, many weaknesses. For every kernel of wisdom I have attained, there have been mistakes, failures and defeats.

Every moment of success has had many more of loss. The truth to learn from this is that struggle, loss, defeat, sadness, fear and loneliness are part of being human.

And they are the only stepping stones to I know to reaching this thing we call success, which is really just a state in which we hope to experience joy.

But even those who have arrived at ‘success’ can find themselves feeling the opposite of joy if they forgot to bring authenticity along with them.

If you spend your life being someone who you aren’t, you’ll also spend your entire life wondering if they’d like you if they really knew you. Nothing will seem real, and everything will seem fake.

And you’ll have wasted your life trying to make everyone else happy, instead of yourself.

So today, I want you to focus more on being you. If you don’t have a clear idea who that really is, well that’s a sign that you need to get busy getting to know yourself. Too many of us have lived with the opinions and ideas of others as our North Star, instead of listening to that voice inside of us whispering the truths of our souls.

Listen to that voice, and learn to recognize it when it speaks to you.

Because as the title of this piece says, one day you’re gonna die, and every day you spent living your life listening to someone else’s conscience is a day you blew a chance to listen to your own.

You’ll never find true happiness trying to be someone else, because the only person you can get right is you.

So find the truth of you, and live that as kindly, nobly, honestly and compassionately as possible.

Just be you, every day you can...

and that will be enough.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Picture It Real

Picture It Real.

How good is your imagination? As someone who got busted time and time again as a young child for daydreaming, I have to confess that my imagination is pretty powerful.

That’s a great thing for applying intention into the future, as it allows me to see incredible possibilities, and to explore and experience a sense of gratitude for the things that could be in the now that is next.

But there’s a dark side to allowing your imagination free reign over your soul.

Take this weekend for example. As we drove around the place where we would love to buy land and build our dream house, my imagination was in overdrive. I could picture the house, and feel the interior as we walked through the door.

The warm lighting, maybe at Christmas, with a wreath on the door, the smell of Christmas dinner cooking. Family, friends and fun, all wrapped up in a perfect singular vision, and all of which seemed amazing.

But in all of my imaginings, there’s always one thing missing.

Maybe it’s still the child in me that loves to dream, or maybe it’s a way to deny some of the harsher realities of life, but whenever my mind goes freely in the future, creating desires and possibilities, I never remember to keep it truly real. Instead, I only see the best of what could be, and forget to factor in the truth of our existence.

That “with every wish, there comes a curse”.

Because real life is never that ideal, that easy, or that textbook perfect. Real life is messy, with broken dreams, broken hearts and the ever present possibilities of failure and loss.

It’s never fun to imagine those things, but keeping your dreams centered in reality can help you avoid getting to where you want to be, and finding yourself unfulfilled or disappointed with what you find when you get there.

As I once told a friend “make reality your dream”.

Because anytime you drift off into the land of fantasy, you’re missing a chance to appreciate reality as it here and now. It’s taken me a long time, but I’ve finally come to realize that in fantasy, or dreaming, we take with us not only our desires, but also our difficulties. Insecurities and fears can be dragged into that which we imagine, feeding our terrors and worries.

That’s the flip-side of ‘dreaming it real’ – reality is often quite different than our hopes and our fears.

And while we can and should dream about what could be, we also need to keep firmly rooted in the good things that are now, and working on the things that bring us sadness and pain.

For as much as dreaming is good for the soul, if your dreaming is nothing more than a way to escape a difficult now, then we run the risk of becoming addicted to the good feelings of the future that may never come to pass.

And that way, well that way leads to disappointment and sadness if we don’t do the things that we need to do now.

Today I implore you to dream, but make sure it’s rooted in reality, and backed up by a lot of hard work. Have dreams that take into account the truth of the real world, and a knowledge of yourself and all the strengths and weaknesses that you carry into the dream world that you create.

The power of dreams to move you is incredible, so make sure you’re dreaming in a way that moves you and excites you.

But keep it real, so you won’t be disappointed when you get there.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Why Did I Even Ask the Question?

Why Did I Even Ask the Question?

Looking back, it’s not like I didn’t know the answer. As we sat in the hotel room on our anniversary get away, we were going over some of our goals for the year. We try to do this every year, and it’s been helpful to make sure we’re on the same page about things.

It’s kind of understood that during these sessions nothing is off the table for discussion, knowing that we have space and quiet to explore whatever comes up.

So I felt the question was worth asking, to see if she could see something I didn’t.

“What is the biggest thing the I struggle with, that I need to overcome”? I asked, realizing that there are several different candidates for the top answer.

My creative ADD brain makes staying on task difficult, so follow through can be a nightmare. Attention to detail is another possibility, because if it’s not something I’m passionate about, I need someone to keep my feet to the fire in order to make sure I’m doing it exactly right, and not losing it in the specifics.

But my wife, being the wonderful woman that she is, went straight to the heart of the matter.

“You get paralyzed by fear” she said, “and you talk yourself out of things before you start”. Then she just calmly, lovingly, looked at me. She wasn’t being judgmental, or saying it to make me feel bad. She was just honestly answering my question, full of belief that I would respect her answer, and not react to it childishly.

Thankfully, I was able to do that, although I’ll admit that I had a hard time looking her in the eyes for a minute or so afterwards.

I had nothing to say to refute her, because her answer was correct. When you combine a creative mind with a difficult childhood, things like anxiety and avoidant behavior are a pretty common outcome.

A book I’ve been reading recently explains how the brains and bodies of people who experience traumatic situations, (especially kids), wire themselves differently to be more alert to problems, and avoid them whenever possible.

Which explains a lot about me.

Because there are things in my life that I could have done, but haven’t yet because my brain focuses more on the potential problems than possible success outcomes, and I get caught up in that paradigm, seeing only the bad, and not believing the good.

My brain that is wired to see trouble often manages to convince me that I will fail, and that it’s better not to start something.

So I miss a lot of opportunities that I could have taken but didn’t.

I recently discovered that a friend who I did a 1 hour coaching intensive with wanted to hire me as her coach, because in a one hour session I helped her as much as being at a retreat for a week.

She didn’t see anywhere on my website where I offered long term coaching programs (because I don’t advertise it), so she found a different coach to work with, and almost felt like I was rejecting her by not giving her the opportunity to work with me (she’s awesome, it wasn’t her fault).

When the truth is, I don’t advertise what I do, out of a fear that I would let people down, which is kind of sad because I honestly love helping people, and from what they tell me I’m pretty good at it.

So as my wife sat there, telling me the truth, I could feel the kindness in her answer. My inability to push through and be all that I could be has affected her and our children, and yet she has never once made an unkind comment, or blamed me for the things that I have not done.

For some reason, in the 23 years of marriage we were celebrating, she has been able to focus on the good parts of my personality, and not on the ones that cause her grief.

And that’s what this reflection is really about.

Both of us could have spent those 23 years looking at each other’s faults, because we both have them. We could have spent that time arguing, fighting, and tearing each other down, instead of building each other up.

Her patience with me, and mine with her, have given us a relationship that allows us to trust each other to be kind, and most of all to be honest with each other.

Even when that truth may be hard to hear.

So today, I invite you to try to find the balance in your relationships to focus on the good, and to try to let go of the bad.

I know that can be hard, and not every relationship is going to work out, but I truly believe that if you spend your time looking at all that is good in your relationship, at some point you’ll have the emotional space to ask the truly difficult questions.

And then have someone to help you work on the answers you receive.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Dark Night of The Soul

The Dark Night of The Soul.

Have you ever been to your own personal hell? I ask because I think most of us at some point in our lives have experienced a night where it seemed like the world was coming to an end.

Not literally, although those can happen as well, but one of those nights where it just feels like you’re going to lose everything that means anything, and that the world will never be the same again.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, hang in there, it will find you.

But I’m guessing if you read this work, then you’ve had at least one time where the light seemed to fade from your world, and darkness seemed to be the only avenue left on your journey.

Somehow, someway, you seem to survive, but for that night, sleep was probably never going to happen and hope was running faster than you could keep up.

In personal development, this is known as the dark night of the soul.

Hopefully these are few and far between for you, as they have been for me. I had one recently, and I spent most of the night trying to think my way through a situation that was incredibly painful, and which felt hopeless.

At 3am, I sat in front of my computer, trying to write out my feelings as a way to process them in the hope that I might find a way to move beyond how I felt right then.

Even though it hurt, writing helped me to find a light out of the darkness.

That’s not so say that what I had to do after that was easy; far from it. What it did do was help me to get clear on the fact that there WAS a way forwards. It certainly wasn’t going to be painless, and neither was it going to be fun, but the way was open, as long as I was prepared to walk it.

And so I did. One painful step in front of the other, until I found myself on the other side of the problem.

Realizing that I had survived another trip into the darkness, and had come out still in one piece.

And in hindsight, going through that difficult experience had actually made me stronger. I was reminded that the Japanese art of making a Katana, a sword for the Samurai, involved heating the metal and beating it over and over and over again.

Time after time in the flame. Time after time under the hammer. Heat and pressure, pressure and heat. Until the sword is forged into perfection, ready to go out into the world.

While I can’t say I’m ready yet, I can say with some confidence that I have grown through my trials, and often at the time that has seemed the darkest, I have found within me the strength and the courage to grow and become more. It’s never easy, and during the process it is never fun, but the outcome is often something far better than it seemed when everything was going wrong.

And there are times when I need to remind others of this, and times when I need to be reminded of it myself.

Because as I sit here at my keyboard, tonight has already slipped into tomorrow, and once again I am facing a night and a morning that seem rather uncertain.

Life, in its infinite capabilities, picked the day right before our vacation weekend, to throw us a curve ball of epic proportions. One that has the potential to change everything in our lives all over again, and not necessarily for the better.
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And so my role tonight is to seek the light, and forge the pathway forwards, knowing that the pressure can be used for my benefit, and the heat is there move me forwards when otherwise I would want to quit.

For in the darkest night is where the winners are forged.

Next time you go through one, I pray you will remember these words, and find the light that is there for you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Do Something

Do Something.

I had a meeting online yesterday morning with a group of friends. These are all wonderful women, courageous, talented and kind. For some reason, they tolerate the presence of a lone male in their party.

I’m not sure if I’m there for comic relief, or as some outreach project for the talented-but-stuck-segment of the population, but for a while now they’ve allowed me to tag along on their journey.

Because other than gender, there’s something very different about me from the rest of this group.

They are all pursuing their dreams. One, who is the leader/guru of this little band, has had an incredible year. She has taken a huge step of courage and has changed her and her family’s lives forever by taking her business way further than it has ever gone before.

It’s not hyperbole to say that things will never be the same for her now. She’s an incredible example to me, and has been kind and generous with both her time, and her wisdom.

And while I’m so happy for her, I won’t lie and say that her courage makes me feel a little less happy with myself.

Because for the past few weeks I’ve been quietly planning for my next project, which has really become my dream. If this works out, not only will I be changing lives for the better, but I’ll be moving into a space where I feel all of my talents, desires and beliefs converge into a single frame.

It not only holds the potential to change my future, but even re-frame past events and change the meaning of so many things that have happened.

By now, you’d think I should be running toward this at full speed.

And I wish I could tell you that I am, but I’m not. Instead I’m over-thinking it, allowing my fears for possible failure to cloud out any hope I could have of succeeding. If that only affected me, that would be one thing, but this is affecting my family (both immediate and extended) and also the people who I believe I can help with this new work/project/dream.

So as you can probably guess, this isn’t something I’m happy about at all.

Sitting here, admitting to you in words that I’m scared of the possibilities is not easy to do. It’s kind of humbling, and a little disheartening, but as I try to be honest here, this is about as real as it gets right now. I’m not moving forward on something that could be a dream opportunity for me, my family and others, all because of one thing.

I’m terrified of it.

Both of the possibility of failure, and the possible outcome of success. Scared of what others will say, and how others could be affected by what I’m going to try to do.

I’m anxious about how I might feel if this doesn’t work out, especially since this makes more sense than just about anything else I’ve ever imagined, but I’m also filled with fear at the possibility that I might never try, and be filled with regret.

Have you ever experienced something like this, and if so, how did you work through it?

And so I’ve decided that I’m just going to try to do something. I’m going to pick a small step, and take it. Because in the end, I think the very worst thing I could do would be to do nothing, and allow more time to pass by without trying to make a difference. It may well hurt, and it may at some point cost me a great deal of my pride.

But there’s one thing it won’t cost me.

It won’t cost me my self-respect. The only way that will be taken from me is if I do nothing. Then I’ll have to live with the poison of regret, and the possibility that I could have made an incredible difference in the lives of others, but didn’t because I was too worried about feeling bad for a little while.

Of all the possibilities out there, not helping when I could is the one that scares me the most.

Because I’ve been on the other end of that equation, and I didn’t enjoy being there.

So today, I’m going to follow the examples of these wonderful women who I’m honored to call friends, and I’m going to do something to advance me in the cause of my dreams. I’m going to jump out of this safe little nest that I’ve built out of my fears, and take that first step into the future and see what happens.

I may fall flat on my face, but who know, I may even fly.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Until You Find Your Voice, You’re Never Going to Feel Heard

Until You Find Your Voice, You’re Never Going to Feel Heard.

Standing up for yourself can be kind of tough sometimes. I have a good friend who was raised in a house where dissent, of any kind, was essentially forbidden.

The worst thing you could do was say “No” to someone in ‘authority’, and heaven forbid expressing an opinion that was counter to the one your parents gave you.

And while her home seemed happy, it was just that no one felt comfortable speaking up.

Many years ago I heard a saying that has stuck with me until today…. ‘Real boats rock’. That means that when you see something that appears to be perfect, you’re either not looking hard enough, or someone is hiding something harder than you are looking. Real families have dissent, and they learn how to work through it.

But my friend felt like she was unable to have a voice of her own, and this carried into her adult years,

And so she discovers herself, at the wonderful age of 37, trying to find her voice in life, in love, and in her own family. It’s always hard to learn things later in life than we were supposed to learn them.

Normally the teenage years are the time where you forge your own identity, and learn how to deal with disagreement and conflict through discussion and compassion, but if that timeline is missed, then you carry some very difficult habits with you into adulthood.

And so my friend came to me for help, because she was tired of feeling like she was never heard.

It wasn’t that her family wasn’t trying to listen to her, but when you’ve spent 34 out of 37 years of your life learning that you can’t express yourself fully, you have a tendency to imply rather than express, and get frustrated when others don’t understand why you are feeling the way you do.

If you’ve never felt safe saying what you really want to, you find yourself saying the things you think others want you to.

Do that long enough, and hard enough, and you’ll feel like you have no voice at all.

As we discussed her situation, I realized that she was going to have to push herself through an emotional wall, and do something very hard for her. As we talked, I gently brought her to a point in the conversation where she was frustrated, and very close to tears. In that moment of vulnerability, I gently opened her to the truth of the situation that she didn’t want to hear.

“Until you find your voice, you’re never going to feel heard”.

She looked at me for a moment with resentment, and then her glare softened. She knew I wasn’t trying to hurt her, and because I’ve been able to help her with things in the past, she was willing to listen to the words instead of ignoring them. Even better, she took them to heart, and went away and did something very difficult for her.

She expressed herself fully in a difficult conversation.

It actually went really well. Because she felt heard, she was also able to listen to the other person’s point of view, rather than hearing only the echoes of the words she wanted to say, but had been unable to.

The two of them came closer as a result of their conversation, and both felt uplifted by the experience.

And it started with one woman finding the courage to express what she truly felt.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Silencing the Soliloquy of Shame

Silencing the Soliloquy of Shame

I’m guessing somewhere back in your past, there’s something you’d like to forget.

One of those moments where your actions didn’t live up to your ideals, and where the outcome of your weaknesses left a scar upon your memory that you’ve been trying to either avoid or get rid of ever since. If you have one of those, don’t worry, you’re not alone.

Because for some reason, shame seems to be the epidemic of choice for humanity.

Which is sad because most of the time the things we carry shame over are simply acts of being human, born out of fear and loss, rather than a sincere desire to do the wrong thing.

Most, and I mean a very high percentage of people ‘most’, are good people who had a moment where they were either not aware of the full story, or were so lost in their emotions that they weren’t able to withstand their desire to act.

So they were either shamed, or they shamed themselves.

And as psycho-emotional poisons go, shame is just about the worst. Shame makes us avoid understanding, and it stops us from progressing further in ourselves.

The person who has been taught to feel shame is one who has accepted a lie that denigrates their self worth, and very often will control their ability to allow themselves to find forgiveness.

Worst of all, the more shame we feel, the more we are likely to spread it around.

It’s been said that misery loves company, and it takes a pretty strong person to accept negative judgments on themselves while offering acceptance, forgiveness, understanding and love to someone else.

Usually the further into self dislike we stray, the harsher becomes our judgments of the outside world, until we are caught up in a tidal wave of loathing, both for ourselves, and for everyone else.

And then we’ll feel shame about how badly we treat others.

So let’s try to reverse that cycle today. As I wrote about forgiving yourself yesterday, today I want to help you lift a sense of shame off of your shoulders, and it begins by understanding that you are a flawed human being, not a failed human being, and that your value comes from being not doing and from existing rather than excelling.

The actions you may have performed in a moment of weakness or misunderstanding are no more a judgment on your soul than are the moments where you lived up to the best of your intentions.

The person you are, the conscious entity of awareness that can grow, learn love and feel is so valuable that the expressions of consciousness that you call your actions are not what define you.

A priceless violin does not lose its value if handled by a novice, nor if played incorrectly by a master who is having a bad day. The value is in its ability to make music, however that sounds.

And you are so much more than a violin, no matter how priceless it is.

To silence the soliloquy of shame, I invite you to sit quietly, and picture yourself as a little child. Allow your thoughts to fill with compassion, as you see that child trying to make its way in the world.

Watch it fail and fall, stand and succeed.

Does the child lose its value each time it falls – of course not. As your heart skips a beat with each unsuccessful attempt to walk, allow love to flow from you, flooding over the child and healing its wounds, quieting its cries, and calming its tears.

And now step outside of yourself, and do the same for you.

Watch yourself in the actions that shame you, and recognize that your intentions were either good, or were driven by fears of pain and loss.

Realize that even in the moments that you weren’t trying your best, your good intentions were still there, but were drowned out by the excess of emotions pulling you the other way. The flood of your fears, drowning out your inner voice is an experience, is a moment, and is not a statement of your value.

And express to yourself the same compassion as you did for the child, for your consciousness is not less valuable now that it was then.

I invite you to practice this exercise as often as you can. The more love and compassion you can learn to generate for the child you were, the more you will come to realize that you are still that child, in that you can learn and grow.

The more you can silence the soliloquy of shame, the lighter you will feel, and the greater light you will have to share with all of those around you.

If you need absolution, you have it. If you struggle with self forgiveness, I can help you find it.

Go, be, do, and love yourself as you love the others around you. Lay down your shame, as it does not serve you, and only when you serve yourself can you truly serve others.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: For My Part in This, I Am Sorry

For My Part in This, I Am Sorry.

I’ve been realizing lately that I have owed someone an apology. I hate it when that happens.

I try to live in such a way that I minimize the number of people I have to apologize to, because I try to live my life based on good principles and a fervent desire to treat others with kindness, compassion and integrity.

Nevertheless, from time to time, I find myself in a position where I need to say sorry for something.

And it turns out this person has been waiting for a long time, much longer than I had realized.

It wasn’t necessarily someone who I thought needed an apology though. It’s funny how you can be around someone for years, and yet be blind to the way things affect them, and when I finally faced the fact that I owed this person an apology, I found myself incredibly reluctant to offer one.

This apology was going to hurt more than they usually do.

Because while this apology was hopefully going to make someone feel better, it was also going to make that same person feel worse.

And I hate receiving apologies almost as much as I hate giving them.

The person that I owed an apology to was myself. If that sounds a little crazy, maybe it is, but in order to realize that I was due an apology I had to first go through the step of realizing that I had played a part in some times in my life that had been pretty difficult.

Before I had always fallen back on the story that sure, I had put myself in places and situations where people could treat me badly, but I always had an explanation for why I had allowed the unjust treatment to continue. In essence, I always had a psychological fallback to absolve myself of the responsibility I could have taken in the situation.

The upside of that was that it allowed me to focus on and blame others who did have their share of responsibility for their actions, but in blaming them, I could essentially offload my responsibility onto them, and thus avoid acknowledgement of my own problems.

It’s incredible how hard our brains will work to find a way to avoid accepting our own share of blame for the problems in our lives.

But I have advanced to a point where I can now see that I was a player in my own problems.

Which means that I owed myself an apology for the things I allowed myself to experience when I COULD have done something different and changed the situation.

It’s a tough thing to accept, the full responsibility for all that you could have done, but didn’t do, but I honestly don’t believe that there is any other way to really advance into happiness than to fully see yourself for you who you.

Because only then can you accept the fullness of yourself, and find peace within that acceptance.

So quietly, gently and honestly, I apologized to myself. It only took a few words, and yet I felt a significant change occur within me.

Because in some strange way I was able to extend to myself forgiveness, while at the same time growing with the acceptance of full responsibility for all that I can do and change in my life. I felt like a weight had been removed in one way, and a lighter one returned in its place.

And I felt like I had grown a little in my journey.

Not that I’m anywhere near where I’m supposed to be. I still have so much work to do, so many lessons to learn, and a multitude of things to get done.

But I can’t help but think that accepting responsibility, receiving an apology and granting forgiveness are going to help me along that pathway.

May we all find forgiveness within ourselves for ourselves, and lighten our steps along our way.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Energetic Handcuffs of Hate

The Energetic Handcuffs of Hate.

There’s an age old teaching, that’s been around for so long because it’s true. “That which you focus on you will see, and in some cases manifest.” As someone who has been trying now for several years to unburden myself of a hatred, I can tell you from personal experience that nothing good comes from harboring those kinds of feelings for anyone, or anything.

It doesn’t serve you, or progress you, in any way.

In fact, hatred might be the single most dangerous emotion we can hold within ourselves. I’ve never experienced those kinds of feelings without also entertaining a sense of superiority (I’m better then the person that I hate) or a sense of moral standing (I would never have behaved in that way).

Yet if you live long enough, and keep your eyes open wide enough, you’ll eventually find yourself doing things that surprise you, and put you at risk for your own condemnation.

And even worse, you’re spending an incredible amount of energy focusing on that which you do not like.

Which, if you have ever understood anything about the way intention shapes the universe, is a terrible thing to focus on. The longer you spend your time focused on someone who you don’t like, the more of your attention you are actually giving them, and the more power you give them.

Please think about this for a moment – every second you give to someone in hatred is a second that they have taken from you, and will never give back.

And we all know that time is the ultimate currency, because once you’ve spent it, you will never, ever, have it returned unto you.

So instead of wasting valuable intention, time and emotional energy, I suggest that we try to move beyond the negative feelings that we carry.

I know that is easier said than done, but I would like to share with you some thoughts today about how it might be achieved. It begins with a difficult question, one that requires self honesty and self acceptance.

What am I getting from this feeling of hatred?

Before I go further, please understand that I know there are people in the world who have done despicable things, and I do not mean in any way to excuse them, nor ask you to try to rationalize what they did.

This is about helping you let go of that which does not heal you, and allow you to move beyond those feelings into a place of lighter feelings.

So to get back to my question – why does hate ‘feel good’?

We hate because it justifies us, swelling our sense of self, which increases our feeling of significance, one of our human needs. Our need to feel significant is a sign that we do not feel significant in ourselves, and hatred is not going to help you move into a place where you realize that you were significant the moment you were born.

But sometimes, we struggle to get there, so we need to find an avenue to significance that doesn’t involve our superiority to another, but instead, our progression in spite of ourselves.

If you would loosen the handcuffs of hatred to which you are bound, you need to find ways to feel better about yourself, so that you feel less of a need to feel better than others. To do this, you need to do things that you believe are significant, and go beyond the limitations that you have set for yourself.

When I skydived from 13,000 feet, I felt a greater peace because I had gone beyond what I thought I was capable of. My sense of significance increased, and yet I felt a greater love for others, and a stronger desire to serve and heal where I can.

And while you’re busy doing those things, you’ll have less time for hatred. As you focus on doing good around you, you’ll find that hatred can eventually turn into pity.

Hatred dehumanizes, while love uplifts; both those who hate, and the object of their hatred thereof.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Why Am I Doing This?

Why Am I Doing This?

Every few weeks, I ask myself the same question. When I’m sitting there late at night, (in this case 10:45pm) and the words just won’t come. It’s not for lack of ideas, or potential titles, because right now I probably have 30 working titles at any one time, but on some nights the words don’t flow, and I can’t seem to find a thread of what I’m supposed to say.

And if you put a few of those nights together, it can get discouraging.

When I started this work almost 2 years ago, I began it more as a therapy for myself. I was in a tough place emotionally, trying to work through some of my biggest weaknesses.

Afraid, lost, and with no seeming direction to go in. The first ever reflection I wrote was about Kintsugi, the Japanese art of taking something that is broken, and in the act of repairing it making it more valuable, more beautiful.

Which resonated so much, because I felt so broken at the time.

Over the last 22 months, I haven’t kept an index, and I’ve very rarely re-read anything I’ve written. At first the work was essentially for myself, but then people started to comment on the posts. It seemed as though I was able to give people a little inspiration, a way to think differently, or just a moment where they could look at their lives from a perspective other than the one they were used to.

The work started to make a difference.

And somewhere along the way, it felt like the work became the writer, and I was just the person typing out the words. I had gone from writing what I wanted, to writing what each piece wanted to be known as. I get that that probably sounds crazy, because it does to me, but I have no other way to explain it. The work took over, and it became not about me, but about the people I was touching.

In short, it became about you.

Which is why, on the nights when I just can’t find the words, I sit and type until I find what I’m supposed to write about that night, and publish in the morning, Not because I necessarily want to, because sometimes I’m up until 2am trying to find the words and all I want to do is sleep.

Not because I think it’s going to change the world, because after 500 pieces, the world still seems as crazy as ever, if not worse.

I do it because you are important, you matter to me.

I get that I might not know you. That’s kind of irrelevant to me. I get that some days you might scroll past the post, and not read it. That’s your choice, and I completely honor and respect that.

I’m not unaware that sometimes I write things that are difficult to understand, or that may challenge the world view of someone who is reading. I make no apologies, other than to explain that I never try to upset anyone.

I write because I hope that if someone is experiencing a moment of darkness, where the world seems a cruel and heartless place, that they might know that there is at least one soul, one small light in the darkness, who cares for them when it might seem that no-one else does. He might not be there in person, but the words of the work will be there in the morning.

And maybe one day, they’ll make the difference when everything is on the line.

Today I want to give you my thanks, and deep heartfelt gratitude for your acknowledgement and support of this work. I want you to know that I write this for you, because in all of the madness, insanity, cruelty and darkness that seems to be ever present in the time in which we live, I want you to know that you matter. That you have value. That the world is a better place with you in it.

Which is why I try to respond to every comment, and why I still sit here when the rest of the world has the luxury to sleep and dream.

My dreams are in the letters, the words, the sentences, the paragraphs, the pieces and the work.

My dreams, like this work, are for you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: A Million Possible Nows

A Million Possible Nows.

The moment you are reading this could have happened so differently. You could have scrolled on by, ignoring the words and the picture. You could have decided to take the day off Facebook.

You could even have been born in a country where English wasn’t a language you learned, and so you never got to read whatever this strange guy on the internet writes about.

Your life could have turned out so differently.

There are so many different possibilities that could actually be occurring right now that calculating the odds of this exact moment, this Now, happening in this precise way at this exact time takes way more math capability that I have, or would ever want. Yet every moment you have ever arrived at has had three very particular components.

Choice, intention, and chance.

You could say that it’s not your choice be here, but that would be wrong. Sure your alternatives might be much worse, so that this was the obvious choice (although not one you necessarily wanted) but there was a choice involved.

I chose my wife (best decision of my life) and she chose me (she’s normally very rational, so don’t judge her by that one).

Our intention was to live happily ever after.

And then chance showed up. Yet even in the midst of the chaos and confusion that is this crazy universe that we live in, there have still been choices that have led to the NOW in which I am writing this work.

Some of those choices have been good ones, some I’m still trying to learn from.

But of all the possibilities that exist, this is the one I find myself in.

And when you understand that there are a million possible Nows that could be occurring, you realize that some of them may not be as pleasant as the Now that is now.

Because there are some Nows that could be filled with sorrow and pain, and while I have no desire to live through them, I can learn from the possibility of them, so that I might more fully appreciate the Now that I am currently living in.

When you consider all the possible Nows, this one becomes amazing.

I am fully aware that there could be a Now in the future where my wife is no longer here, so I cherish her presence in my life today, and hope never to take her for granted, although I’m sure I do. I am also aware that there is a Now where my health is not as it now is, and so I try to maintain the health I am blessed with.

I could go on and on, but I think you get my point.

When you understand how fragile and amazing Now actually is, it will change that way you think about your life.

You’ll make better choices, knowing that you have the capacity to influence, if not determine, the Nows that you’ll experience later. You’ll feel stronger, knowing that the Now you are currently experiencing could be very much worse, and you’ll treat the Now that is now with the respect it deserves.

Because all we have is Now, and you are living it, deciding it, changing it, and feeling it.

Now is everything, and you can do so much with it.

Are you ready? You can start any time, but I would recommend Now.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Forgetting Who You Are For a While

Forgetting Who You Are For a While.

My guess is that you are a good person. Might I be wrong…sure, but I always approach people as though they are good, and I’m usually right.

Yet when I talk to people, especially helping them through a problem, they can’t help but bring up to me all the reasons why they don’t think that they are a good person. Some people have such a list that you’d be amazed at the things they share.

We seem to have an epidemic of people feeling bad about themselves.

Which is a very sad thing, because it causes people so much heartache and misdirected energy. It makes them accept treatment from others that is detrimental to their mental and sometimes physical health.

It stops them from going for their goals, and settling for a life less than they could live. And sometimes, it causes them to act in ways that are not in keeping with who they really are.

It’s like they’ve forgotten the goodness of their nature for a while.

We all do this occasionally. It’s usually out of fear, or anger (which is just active fear) or sadness (which is just passive fear). When people experience these negative emotional states, it’s easy to act out in ways that aren’t our best.

When things are going great, we often see the best side of people, they person they always wish they could be.

But some people haven’t just forgotten who they are – they’ve never had a clear understanding of it in the first place.

Take a kid who was always told by a parent that they were bad. When we’re young, we don’t have a great filter that says ‘my parent is acting out of fear, and they really don’t mean what they’re saying’.

Instead, we seem to take the voices that they direct towards us gospel truth, and fit our opinion of ourselves around their words, accepting a definition that is probably incorrect.

Since that kid believes they are a bad person, it’s easier to do bad things.

So if I were to ask you about you, what would you tell me? If we’re sitting quietly, just you and me around a campfire, what ‘truths’ would you share from your heart?

Would you tell me the honest truth of your soul that you’re too afraid to believe – the one where you’re actually a wonderful person who occasionally forgets that, or would you try to convince me that you are somehow bad, wrong and unworthy?

Only you know what you would say, but I wonder if it would be the truth, rather than what you believe?

Because so many people have forgotten, or never understood, the goodness of their souls. My belief, and it’s a pretty strong belief at that, is that if you are reading this work, if my writings resonate with your soul, then you are a good person.

Imperfect – definitely. Struggling – probably. Trying – more than likely.

Just like all of us.

Today I want you to recognize and accept the goodness of your nature. Forget the things that others may have told you, and release from yourself the deepest darkest lies that you hold on to. It’s been said that we are more afraid of our light than our darkness, and so we often choose to smother that light under a blanket of lies, desperately trying to keep the truths of our souls undercover, undeclared, unknown and unexpressed.

Please, don’t do that anymore.

This world needs you, more than ever. We need the peacemakers. We need the carers. We need the honest in heart who are ready to stand and declare that we are better than we have been described, and we need those who can be a light unto others, giving them hope in the darkness.

Today, please make a play for peace in this world.

And start by remembering who you really are.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Becoming the Center of Your Own Universe

Becoming the Center of Your Own Universe.

Isn’t it funny how many of us reading that have a negative reaction to it? If you read that, and thought that I was giving people permission to be selfish and cruel, you’re probably not alone.

Because somewhere in our collective social history, we’ve been taught that being focused on yourself is somehow wrong, and will lead to you becoming a bad person.

Which I think is totally wrong.

In my experience, more damage is done to the human race by teaching people that they shouldn’t focus on themselves; forcing people to live lives that they wouldn’t have chosen, relationships that aren’t serving them, and careers that do not inspire them.

The dogma behind the idea of sacrifice as an honorable way to live is destructive and cruel, but it’s been around for generations.

So today, I’m giving you permission to stop living for others, and focus on yourself for a while.

But even then, it’s probably not what you think. Focusing on yourself doesn’t mean living without reference to others, or neglecting those around you. Focusing on yourself means looking after the very basic needs of your health and your soul, and then serving others from a place of gratitude and abundance, rather than out fear that you can’t focus on your own soul.

Realizing that you have a primary duty to yourself, and so does everyone else.

When we become self-focused, and truly embrace the notion and extend it to others, then our view of the world changes. We serve with a different heart, knowing that we are giving by choice, not out of some fear of being a bad person if we don’t.

Likewise, if we are the recipient of service from someone else, then our gratitude increases as we come to understand that the gift of their service was motivated by love, not by guilt.

And when we never ask another to live for us, we give them the gift of finding the truth of who they really are.

I am blessed to have people like this in my life. People who are balanced in the checkbook of their soul and who radiate truth, love, kindness and compassion. They are honest with me, because their desire for my happiness overrides their fear of any reaction I might have to their truthfulness.

They are generous with their time, because they live their lives in such a way that they can give of their time freely and easily, knowing that they will take whatever portion of their time they need for themselves.

And they are the safest to be around, because being focused on themselves means they need nothing from others.

Once you focus on yourself, and do the work on your soul to make yourself happy, then you become the very best version of yourself.

Free to love, knowing that you can survive any heartbreak, free to give, knowing that you will always look after yourself to have enough, and free to share the truths of your soul without fear of repercussion or remorse.

So focus on and take care of you, and then spread your joy into the world.

We need more people like you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Depth of Your Emotional Blocks

The Depth of Your Emotional Blocks.

Have you ever had something in your head that just wouldn’t let you do what you needed to do. No matter how hard you tried, you just couldn’t seem to find the emotional energy to accomplish whatever it was that you knew really needed to get done.

No words could explain it, no feeling seemed to describe it, but you knew in your heart that something, somehow, someway was stopping you.

Welcome to the wonderful world of emotional blocks.

They can be terrible, and they can be tough. They’re usually a result of some kind of trauma in your past, even though you don’t necessarily see it as such.

At a point in your life, you learned to associate a particular kind of pain to whatever it is that you need or want to do, but it didn’t necessarily occur in your conscious/aware mind. It happened deep in the dark recesses where you made a connection, and now your brain gives you that uneasy feeling every time this action comes up.

We all have them, so please know you’re not alone.

I have two very specific ones that I’m working through right now. One I have had for many, many years, and the other is fairly recent. The first is so deep that actually trying to break through it creates within me a powerful feeling of distress, while the other actually makes me physically nauseous.

The funny thing is I can tell you how each of these came to be, but knowing it is just not enough.

And here’s where my theory of depth/intensity comes in.

Because both of these blocks were created out of intense emotion. The first was pretty much a single incident in my life, which was very intense, at an emotional level that was probably 8/10, where 0 is calm and 10 is very painful. An event occurred, and I took a very specific meaning from it.

The second occurred at a 3-4/10 but frequently over a long period of time (many years). Both of these built up huge emotional intensity/depth, and so trying to deconstruct these blocks while I’m calm is not going to work.

You have to reach the block through the emotion, which is where the fun begins.

I do this with coaching clients in one of four ways. The fastest and most direct is to blow it apart with an intense emotional experience equal in intensity to the original event. As you can guess, that can get painful, so we avoid that as much as possible, but sometimes it can happen.

The second is the chisel, where you slowly chip away a little at a time, as if you were breaking a chocolate bar into tiny pieces and eating it a little at a time. You get there, but it can take a long time.

My preferred methods are much more fun.

Of the two, the ‘meaning twist’ is far more elegant. This is where we play with the meaning, twisting it inside and around your moral code, until not breaking through the block becomes a violation of your most intrinsic ethical rules.

Sure this takes some serious manipulation, but I tell you, when it works, it’s incredible to see how sudden people can break through when it’s the only way to stay a good person in their mind.

The last one is what I call ‘a case of compulsion’.

We all have wants, and we all have desires. Setting up a significant desire to break through an emotional block is like watching a child ask a thousand times for an ice cream.

Once the desire becomes a compulsion, you’ll see the person blow through the block like the child ignoring the ‘No’ until it gets what it wants. If you’ve ever seen this happen you know what I mean – they’re relentless.

So whatever your emotional block, please know that there is almost always a way through it.

Sure it might be deep, and it really might be painful to go through, but with enough patience and the right kind of guidance, you’ll be amazed at what you can accomplish.

Because what your mind has learned it can change.

And sometimes, change is your very best friend in the world.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: What Do You Really Want?

What Do You Really Want?

Seriously for a moment, if I were to ask you in a quiet sincere question what you actually wanted, would you be able to tell me? I’m not talking in generalities, but getting really specific.

Most people struggle to define their desires in any kind of detailed way, and instead fall back on a few vague words to describe what they want out of life, and then look at me to see if the answer that they have given me is enough…

And I know then that we have some work to do.

Conversely, there are some people who know exactly what they want, and have not only a detailed, specific and precise image in their minds of what they want, but also have a plan to make it happen.

Yet what might surprise you is that both those with a clear idea and those with almost no idea at all are both on the same journey, and can arrive at their destination at the same time.

Because what they really want is only a few thoughts away.

When you get right down to it, what everyone really wants is to be happy. While that word can have different applications to different people, I’ve never talked to anyone who disagreed with that concept after a few minutes of discussion.

Yet the big difference is how we find happiness, and some of the crazy things we think we need to become happy.

Let me share an example from someone I know really well.

If you ask him what he wants, he can tell you very clearly that he wants a house in a certain mountain location, and another on the ocean, and he wants a plane to fly between the two. While that might sound crazy to you, it’s actually not as insane as it sounds, especially if this person were to overcome some of his issues and really dig deep with the talents he has been given.

But if you ask him why that would make him happy, the discussion changes from things to feelings.

If he’s being totally honest, he’ll tell you that part of the reason is that he loves both locations and the peace he feels there, and he loves the feeling of flying because of the joy he feels rushing over the land, seeing it from a different point of view.

But if you go really deep with him, he’ll probably admit to you that achieving this goal that seems so audacious will give him a sense of accomplishment, of achievement, and of worthiness.

Because he feels like he has to achieve something crazy to be good enough to be loved, and being loved is a part of his recipe for happiness.

And that’s where the crazy starts, but also where the magic begins.

All of us have our own recipe for what it will take for us to be happy. For some it’s a quiet home, for others they want a mansion. Some want a sports car that shows off their ability to earn and spend, while others want a car that just gets them from A to B.

Somewhere in our lives, we created this recipe to convince ourselves that we need to do, or be, or achieve a certain thing, and that will bring us happiness.

And our definition of the recipe is the description of our despair.

Because there are people who have next to nothing, and haven’t achieved very much at all, and yet are happy. There are also those who have achieved incredible things, purchased amazing houses and cars, and yet are still stuck in the throes of sadness, depression and despair.

I have found that your recipe for happiness is very much affected by the trauma that has traversed your soul, and your desires to heal the parts of you that do not feel whole.

But that healing can be achieved without needing anything, other than the ability to let go, and the trust that you will be ok if you do.

We live in an amazing world, where every day, every breath, is a blessing. When we can let go of all the justifications and hurts, all the imagined slights and needs, and just focus on the incredible life we have within us and around us, we can realize a sense of gratitude and happiness for the smallest things, the little moments, and the quietest sounds.

We can find happiness within, and spread joy without.

We just have to let go and see.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Taking the Trauma out of Your Triggers

Taking the Trauma out of Your Triggers.

You know the feeling all too well. It could be a person, it could be a noise or a smell. Perhaps it’s a song that you played for someone who meant a lot to you, or a movie you watched together far too many times.

It might even be a ridiculous television program that your kids watched that sends you into a rage, where suddenly beheading a purple dinosaur seems like the most natural and sensible thing in the world. :)

Whatever it is, it sets off an emotion in you that you just have a hard time controlling.

The intensity of your reaction could be mild, or it could be severe. You could find yourself recoiling away from the situation, or engaging with it, bringing with you harsh words, and unkind thoughts.

However it moves you, the truth is that an external stimulus has activated something in you that changes your emotional state, and you probably don’t know why.

So today, were going to go a little deeper, and see if we can help take some of the trauma out of your triggers.

It starts by asking yourself what is the most obvious emotion you are feeling. Is it fear, anger or sadness, or maybe love, joy or surprise? That can take some time, because sometimes it’s a mixture, and sometimes it’s so powerfully one by itself.

But eventually you’ll be able to reach a point where you can identify the major component, which begins your journey into the next level.

Figuring out what is really going on.

Because if it’s fear, it’s probably because one of your six human needs is being threatened. Maybe the trigger makes you feel powerless (loss of certainty) or that you are going to lose a significant relationship in your life (loss of connection).

Maybe something is going to happen that could make you lose your social standing in the eyes of people you care about, (which would be a loss of both connection and significance/value).

Any of those can also create the other of the covering emotions – which is anger.

Once you’ve identified what’s really going on, it’s time to ask yourself why you are holding onto that emotion, and usually it’s because of one of two things. Either it justifies you (increases your sense of significance) or it reassures you (increases your sense of certainty). And once you clearly see why you’re holding onto it, the next step is usually the hardest thing to do.

To begin the act of letting go.

Because the further you go into your journey, you’ll soon come to realize that most of the emotions we hold onto are those that we really never needed in the first place, but we adopted them to cover up pain, and the result of trauma and loss.

The anger that we feel can be lessened as we find the truth of ourselves in the silent reaches of our hearts. The fear that we feel can be reduced as we learn to look through the threat and understand the infinite capacity of our mind and our souls.

And eventually, the things that trigger us can be changed into that which rarely bothers us at all.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Storyteller

Storyteller.

I rolled out of bed at 5:30 yesterday morning, and got hit with a dose of reality. The night before, I’d written a piece for this work that I was really happy with. I felt like it was one of the better ones I’ve written, and I found a picture that I felt really captured the spirit of the piece.

I grabbed my phone to see if it was resonating with people, hoping that I had managed to touch or inspire sometime to have a better day.

And the post only had 1 reaction. 1 like.

And to be honest, for a moment, I was pretty bummed out. Although I try not to write for myself, there’s times when I feel particularly attached to a piece.

It’s kind of like putting your child out into the world, to see if other people love that little person as much as you do. It can be hard to realize that sometimes what meant a lot to you didn’t mean as much to others.

So I felt a little sad, and then the storytelling started.

You know the storyteller don’t you? It’s that little voice in your head that gives you a narrative for everything that happens in your life. Although it was still early, the Storyteller had gotten up with me, and immediately began telling me that this was a bad day, that my instincts were useless, that I can’t write, and that I should just give up and not try to write anything anymore.

If you let them, your own personal little Storyteller can really screw up your day.

But that morning, so dark outside that the room was only lit by my phone, and so early that everyone in the house (including the dog) had the good sense to be asleep, I remembered that I can tell stories as well.

I remembered that sometimes my Storyteller lies to me, and that although he’s trying to protect me, I should really take what he says with a grain of salt.

So I started my own story.

Which started with me being ok with the fact that right then, this piece wasn’t getting resonating with people in the way that I hoped.

My story also had in it the part where I came to the understanding that I had written a post that will do better as a paid boosted post to a slightly different audience than I am usually reaching out to.

My story was about how this was a useful experience that I was learning from, rather than a story of my weakness, my foolishness and my failure.

I decided that I liked my story better.

Everything that happens to us gets fitted into some kind of a story in our heads. The question becomes which kind of story. The Storyteller will usually tell us one to protect us from risk, to prevent the possibility of pain in the future, and to keep us carefully enclosed in our own, warm little zone of comfort.

But if we’re smart, we’ll write our own stories.

Full of daring and risk, of failure and success, of heartbreak and happiness, of loss and of love. Stories that lift us up to be the person we have dreamed of being, rather than the person we’re afraid of becoming.

Stories that define our desires, and detail our dreams.

Every life is made up of stories, and in the end, your life is one big story.

Make it a great one, so that in the future when someone tells your story, you’ll give others the gift of surprise and wonder.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Damaging Danger of your Denigrating Self Belief

The Damaging Danger of your Denigrating Self Belief.

Are you a good person? If you hesitated to answer that don’t worry, because when I ask people this question, a quick answer is rarely a good sign. The people who answer yes rapidly are either incredibly far along in their personal journey, or completely full of themselves (hint – it’s very rarely the first).

Most of us take a moment before answering this question, and then try to express our opinion of ourselves in a way that’s nuanced, and kind of jumps around the issue without giving a definitive answer.

Because having an opinion of whether we are good or bad is a very difficult thing.

In the last week I’ve talked to two people who have pretty terrible views of themselves. One is older, one is younger, and yet they both labor under the opinion that they are somehow flawed as a person, and beyond hope.

When you ask them to explain why they are such a bad person, both of them parade a litany of events and actions that are supposed to define their character as the worst version of themselves they can be.

And both of them are hopelessly and completely wrong.

The examples they held up to me, one speaking with eyes full of tears and the other in a voice choked up and breaking, were not examples of evil, cruel and heartless people who had done terrible things. They were symptoms of a much wider problem, one that affects just about every person I’ve ever met, listened to, talked with or helped.

They were simply, truly, and honestly…human.

The things they judged themselves for were things that occur every single day. Their actions were precipitated by the four horsemen of bad choices: pain, loss, heartache and fear. Their supposed horrible deeds were the result of trying to make themselves feel whole, in a world that lies to us that such a thing truly exists.

We are all, in one way or another, flawed and broken. That’s what it means to be human.

But it’s easier to have a solid black and white opinion, than to try to find a balanced view of ourselves. Balance takes a constant emotional energy; balance requires thought; and balance requires that we accept our flaws along with our better qualities.

So to preserve our mental energy in a universe full of grays, we opt to make our decisions in black and white.

So they both choose to believe the worst of themselves, and try to live with a negative self image, all the time hating themselves for their supposed evil.

And it’s all built on lies. Lies that they listen to, believing them to be truth. Lies that sound like the truth because they see through filters of their own believing. Lies that they could throw off at any time if only they were willing to face a painful truth, and walk through that fire to a different tomorrow. Instead, then restrict themselves to the dark, and are afraid to step out into the light.

All the while slowly destroying themselves day after day.

Because if you live with lies long enough, you wrap yourself in a shroud of self loathing. You’ll deny yourself good things out of the belief that it shouldn’t happen to you.

You’ll carry such a load that eventually you’ll fall and crack under the weight of so much worthlessness that you can’t carry on. And eventually, you’ll end up broken, beaten and believing that you had it coming all along.

Which is never how it was meant to be.

So if you are stumbling under the weight of so much self-negativity, I plead with you today to lay it down. That which you have done, or that which you believe you have done, is more than likely a result of unresolved pain and emotional pressure that pushed you beyond what you were able to bear.

We’ve all been there, we’ve all suffered, and we’ve all had our moments where we were broken.

That doesn’t make you bad. It simply makes you human.

And being human is the greatest value in the world.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings