Morning Reflection #544: Do Your Actions Determine My Mercy?

Do your actions determine my mercy?

Swerving in and out of traffic, he was obviously a menace. Young, and driving a car he probably shouldn’t have been. High on nothing more than the adrenaline and inexperience of youth (I hope), he seemed to be in a race against reality itself.

At least he seemed to be able to control his car, but the way he was driving left very little margin for error.

I knew that if it went wrong, someone else was probably going to get hurt, and badly.

As he flew by us, my sweet wife uttered a line that she uses more and more on the freeway these days… ‘I hope you get there without hurting anyone’. Usually at this point I’ll follow up with the simple refrain of ‘or yourself’.

Yet today, with this young man acting so recklessly, I found it a struggle to wish upon him the simple kindness that was recognition of his humanity, and of his intrinsic value as a consciousness that can learn and grow…

And I learned a lesson about myself that I really didn’t want to know.

Because in that split second, I realized that I was allowing my judgment of his actions to affect the amount of mercy I was willing to bestow upon him. And yet if I cast my mind back to my days of that age, I could recall times where I had acted in ways that were foolish, in and out of motor vehicles.

If I was going to judge this young man for his actions now, should I hold the same judgment against my actions then…

And would I have been worthy of my own mercy towards myself.

I think it’s a dangerous road we start down when we decide that we should be the arbiters of kindness. The moment we set ourselves up as the oracle of who is worthy of our good intentions, we are immediately adopting the principle that there are those are not.

Once we decide that those kind of people exist, we start judging with the possibility of denying the basic value of another human being, and we suddenly begin to find those who are ‘worthy’ of our callousness and our derision.

By denying another’s intrinsic value, we are saying that their value is not intrinsic at all.

At which point, we start setting criteria of ‘worthiness’ which we apply to others in a manner we are reluctant to apply to ourselves.

Suddenly, the world becomes separated into those whose actions have a claim on our mercy, and those whose behaviors tempt us to see ourselves as better, more worthy, and to shut them out and deny their humanity and possibility.

A temptation into which so many people fall, although there are some who are trying to climb their way out of.

Because if you have the courage to go really deep into your soul, the chances are you’ll see the same darkness in you that you find abhorrent in them. The judgments you hurl at them are probably ones which your actions would have brought forth against yourself in another time, and another place.

It’s a true statement to say that when you have learned to love and forgive yourself, you’ll find within yourself a love and a forgiveness for others.

For how can I learn to treat myself with kindness and not extend that to another.

So as that young man drove off into the distance, I thanked him for the lesson he taught me in the few moments in which his life intersected with mine.

For he showed me that I still have a distance to travel on my journey, and that there are still many lessons to learn.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Living in the Pacific Northwest means some incredible sunsets. Again, this was just taken with a cell phone, capturing in the moment the incredible beauty that nature offers us.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Thank you so much for you support and interest in this work. I am very grateful for you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #543: “With All of My Heart”

“With all of my Heart”.

When I read the first line of her Facebook post, I had a pretty good idea what the rest of it was going to be like.

I have been friends with her for a while, and I have been incredibly impressed with her dedication to her work, and her desire to help people. But as she continued through the post, she listed more and more of the things that are difficult for her.

And I wonder if she sees her ‘inability to balance her desire to serve’ as a symptom of these problems.

Because in her post she talked about being scared of rejection, of struggling to feel enough, of being afraid of letting people down, of being hard on people to show that she loves them.

Again, let me say that I have been incredibly impressed by her, and I think she is somebody who truly, truly cares from the bottom of her heart about other people, and somebody who is a good person.

But when she said in her post that she would “give anything she had to help someone”… Well, that’s where I see a problem.

Because we seem to have this societal belief that in order to be a good person, you have to care a lot. Not that caring isn’t important, because it obviously is, but like all of our virtues, caring has to be balanced in order to serve both ourselves and the person who we are serving.

If you’re one of the people who didn’t like that last sentence; who believes that we should be always serving others without taking any concern for ourselves, congratulations! This post is about you too.

Because any system of thought that asks you to sacrifice for others without any concern for yourself is not teaching you to value yourself, but is instead teaching you that your value is only in what you can give.

My wife struggles with this. And for the record, she encouraged me to write this post and mention her so I’m not doing this without her explicit permission, and insistence.

She grew up with a feeling that she was never going to be good enough, and at some point in her life was taught the belief that if she served hard enough, gave enough, sacrificed enough and put herself down enough, she would someday be “good enough”.

Which is why my wife also struggles with many of the things my friend wrote in her Facebook post.

Sadly, these two wonderful woman are not the outliers of this particular problem, rather they are prima facie examples of a pathological process of philosophy and principle that has caused so many people so many problems.

I have talked to many people, sadly primarily women, who struggle with finding a balance between what they owe themselves, and what they owe the world at large.

And most of the time, they default to lessening themselves in some strange concept of virtue that actually demeans their existence and denies their individual worth.

Someday I will hopefully talk with my friend on Facebook, and share with her the principles that I teach in my coaching practice.

Hopefully one day I will be able to help her find her way to a stronger sense of herself, so that she may recognize her own individual worth, and realize that she never had to do anything to have value, nor did she need to sacrifice so much of herself in order to be worthy of anything.

Any process of thought that teaches you that your value is only in what you can do for others does not respect you as an individual, nor does it recognize your nobility as an aware intelligent consciousness.

Most of all, I hope that someday I will be able to help my friend on Facebook find that place in her own soul where she realizes that the things that she has been taught are not the things that will bring her peace in her heart.

I hope I will be able to help her to find balance, and serve not from a desire to make up for what is she was taught was wrong, but simply out of the love she has for those around her.

Because service out of fear is not service, it is an attempt to satisfy the lie that you are not worthy, and you will never be able to make right that which is wrong. When you finally know your worth, then you will serve from a completely different place in your soul.

And then you (and she) will know peace.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #542: One Moment – Will You Capture It?

One Moment – Will you Capture it?

As we drove past the trees and buildings onto the freeway, the skyline ahead of us cleared. We had already seen enough to realize that tonight’s sunset was going to be something out of the ordinary, but nothing had prepared us for this. The on-ramp to the freeway on our way home was in fact the entrance to a moment in history I don’t think I’ll ever forget.

Because in the midst of a year that has been tumultuous for all, we found a few minutes of wonder.

There’s something about sunrises and sunsets that just moves me. I’ve seen the sun come up across oceans, and seen it set in the mountains and across the plains. The movement of light seems to connect me to the universe in a way that nothing else can, and while all light is beautiful, seeing a vivid sunset burning up the sky reminds me that I am connected to this world and this universe in a way I cannot fully comprehend.

It also reminds me that life, like a sunset, can be fleeting.

This sunset was beautiful from start to finish, but I think the picture I took of it captured it at its most vibrant. Although I shouldn’t have taken the picture while driving, I realized that this incredible combination of blues and oranges wasn’t going to last too long. So I decided that I needed to capture this moment right now.

And so I grabbed my phone, and took the shot.

There’s a part of me that wishes I could have been set up with a really nice camera on a hillside overlooking a valley, so that I could have really done this sunset justice, rather than shooting with a cell-phone, through a slightly dirty windshield, while trying to focus on both the traffic and the sky. Life rarely gives us everything when it gives us an opportunity…

So I went with what I had, and found myself in a moment that will live with me forever.

I can’t explain what it was about this sunset that elevated it from beautiful to spiritual, but there was just something about the contrast, the timing, the angles and the sheer majesty of the light show before us. Through a year that has been difficult for all of us in one way or another, I was reminded that life is beautiful, and that there are so many things in this world that are good.

It also reminded me that I need to take the moments of good when I find them.

Because it’s easy to get caught up in all that we see wrong in the world today, and it is easy to let moments of opportunity slide because sometimes it looks too difficult, or too much like hard work. Every day is full of opportunities to experience wonder, try new things, or make that phone call that can change somebody’s world.

But all too often, we let the moment slip, and those moments turn into hours, and days into years, and we find that we are in the same place emotionally and physically that we have always been. Growth happens when we capture the moment, and peace envelops our soul when we take the chances that are before us.

So today, you have this moment… will you capture it, or just let it slip ?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #541: A Warm Comfy Blanket

A warm comfy blanket.

The seasons are changing again. Here in Idaho, we’re in that phase where the heater goes on in the morning, the air conditioner kicks in at some point during the day, and then maybe you need a heater again at the end of the day.

The leaves are falling, and the sky gets lighter later, and darker earlier. The open skies of summer are giving way to the overcast and subdued light of fall.

It’s becoming the season of the warm, comfy blanket.

We have a funny little ritual in our house, where we officially declare the start of fall when we light the pilot light on our gas fireplace. It takes just a couple of minutes, but it signifies that another season has moved on into the past, forever remembered, but never repeated.

Once the fireplace is an option, then so are quieter nights, slower mornings and a crock pot full of soup making the house smell amazing.

All things that help us to take care of ourselves, if we make time for them.

Self care is something I’m beginning to take more seriously. In the past, I prided myself on my ability to just keep going. Finals week in grad school – 3 hours of sleep for 6 days while maintaining a 3.5 GPA.

Covering for the other Doctor in the practice who was out after surgery – 2 months of 60+ hour weeks. Back then I felt confident in my ability to survive anything.

Looking back, it was so foolish. Could I do it – yes. Was it advisable – not at all.

Here in America where I write this, the idea of self care is still slowly being adopted. The prevailing culture still seems to value success over happiness, abundance and achievement over the allowance of a life well spent chasing memories rather than money.

We’re slowly waking up to the idea that sleep is a luxury, and that our health and happiness is more important than having everything.

Which isn’t to say that you can’t do both, but that we’ve spent too long out of balance in chasing one at the expense of the other.

And science is starting to catch up with the understanding to going all out for so long is bad for us. The technology that drives our productivity is also that which robs us of the quiet time to think, to reason and to meditate.

Having a set of ear buds permanently pressed into our skull may give us 24 hours a day music, but it can also lead to zero hours of silence…

Which our brain needs to unwind and make sense of the day.

In his seminal book, ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Productive People’, the author Steven Covey teaches the principle of ‘Sharpening the Saw’, which teaches the principle that in order to perform at its best, a saw must be stopped from working in order to be sharpened and maintained.

If the saw is used constantly without a break, it becomes so blunt that it loses all efficiency.

So when do we slow down, and give ourselves permission to just be, rather than be doing something?

In my search for balance in caring for myself, I’m learning that sometimes it’s better to give myself an hour or two off rather than try to get everything done right now. Sometimes, an early night and a chance to sleep a little longer is the greatest thing I can do for myself, rather than finishing a task that doesn’t have to be done right now.

And sometimes, the greatest thing I can do for myself is to sit quietly, and do nothing at all but breathe, and be grateful for the moment within which I find myself.

And maybe wrap myself in a warm comfy blanket, and just enjoy the experience of being human.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #540: The Limits of You.

The Limits of You.

If you asked any of my high school teachers what I would have become, the chances are that very few of the answers would have been in terms of ‘successful’. Some of them would have probably questioned whether or not I would have even lived to the age I am now.

A couple of them might have hopefully ventured ‘incarcerated’. To say I was a mess as a teenager would be a significant understatement.

And I knew it.

I was pretty arrogant as a child, which as everyone knows is nowhere near the same as confident. By the time I left high school I was a light and dark balance of feeling like I could do anything, while also being scared that I would never do anything because I was afraid of all of it.

Growing up, responsibility, having a family, finding a job/career…I didn’t have good models for any of those things.

So that became my self-definition.

I approached so much of my life out of the twin fears of scarcity (that I could never provide enough) and reluctance (being scared of all that was coming next). When you live with a solid belief that you could but you won’t, you tend to try to hold on to where you are, only moving forward when there is no other option.

Desperation drove a LOT of my decisions.

It even kept me in terrible place for almost 10 years.

I knew 6 months into working for somebody that I needed to get out, but it took me another 9 years (and the right decision from my wonderful wife) to escape that particular flavor of hell.

Yes, I learned a lot from it, and those lessons have helped me arrive at where I am today, but in life there is often the easy, the hard way, and the way you take when you are scared to take any other.

And believe me… a decision made out of a terrible self belief is unlikely to bring you anything resembling joy.

I’m approaching 4 years out of that nightmare now, and while they have been very difficult years, I’ve begun to redefine my belief of myself. When finally faced with the need to grow beyond where I was, I’ve discovered within myself an ability to become more than I dreamt I would be (not could be – but that’s another reflection for a different day).

But changing the supposed limits of me has not been easy.

I’ve had to let go of so many things that held me where I was, and walk away from people and places that reinforced the old self images that I clung to as the only definition of me.

Some of these changes have been very profound, and have caused me to release relationships that I would have once said defined me. It has NOT been easy.

But I feel like I’m finally becoming somebody who I can live with.

That doesn’t mean that there isn’t more work to do, far from it. But I’ve grown to realize that there is only so much work you can do on yourself alone. Sometimes we need to put ourselves into the flow and the fire of other people, other situations, other experiences.

Because no matter how well you mold the clay, it still has to be fired in order to become what it was always intended to be.

So now I have to move from where I am, and find the next stream into which to experience growth.

But I’m doing it from a better place in my mind, and with a different sensation in my soul. Not necessarily one of calm, or of clarity, but rather with a sense of cohesion, because the parts of me are coming together.

Maybe later than I would have wished, but it’s happening now, and all I can do is go forward from where and when I am.

Releasing the limitations that I have allowed to hold me in place.

And seeing how high I can fly.

Whatever’s holding you back…. Can you let it go and soar?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 539: Siren

Siren

Standing in the doorway of our rented cottage on the Oregon coast, I am overwhelmed by the profound peace and melancholy that strikes me as I look out over the water. The sound of the waves both heals me, and yet calls from my soul a timeless sadness.

In trying to understand why this is so, I am forced to focus on the nature of what would seem to me to be eternal, and the fleeting moment that is my life in comparison to this backdrop.

For although each wave is a new movement, the movement of the waves has been going on for longer than I can emotionally experience.

It’s kind of a bleak evening. The rain clouds overhead are bringing relief from the smoke that has polluted the air for the past month or so. Each drop of rain washing the air clean, and hopefully helping to quench combustion’s endless desire for more chaos, more fuel, more destruction.

Yet those clouds that bring hope also blot out the sun, leaving us with a grey solitude that seems to mock the beauty that I know can be found here.

Which invites me to focus on time, and its passing.

Because in this little corner of the world there is a sense of the never ending permanence of now within the wind and the waves. They’ve been at this dance for so long that to them I must appear an insignificant existence, a spark present only for a moment.

Without reference to us as a species, or as a collective, the elements take the next step in their timeless dance of movement and flow, magical and seemingly infinite.

And yet against the backdrop of the universe, even the waves seem to be but a moment, just a flicker, and then gone.

As someone who recently had a milestone birthday, the reality of time seems stronger than ever right now. In the years I’ve been circling our local star on this planet, locked to it by a gravity that I cannot explain but can nevertheless experience, I have travelled through more space than I can ever understand.

For me, for us, there is no reference that we can cling to that will give us a sense of the vastness of space, nor the true and transformative nature of time.

But in the song of the waves, I feel like I am listening to the heartbeat of the universe.

Each beat, each breath, each moment is ever becoming and fading in an endless cycle of creation and destruction, of life and of death. The siren call of the waves brings forth from my soul the recognition that time as I know is gifted and granted, a blessing bequeathed by a universe that does not give it lightly, nor without intention.

For nothing cannot come from something, unless there never was a nothing to begin with.

All I know is that the song of the waves are calling me to use the time given and remaining wisely, with wisdom, kindness and intention.

To do anything less would be to squander and belittle the incredible gift of life which I have been given.

And which I have not appreciated as often, nor as thoroughly, as I should.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #538: And We’re Back

And We’re Back

For someone who used to write 5 days a week for almost 2 years, the last month and a half of not writing and posting on this page has been difficult, but necessary. About three months ago I engaged the services of a mindset coach I’ve been following for a couple of years.

She’s an incredible teacher, but the waters we’ve been navigating together have taken me deep into some of the darker places of my soul, and I didn’t want to write while I was feeling that way.

It’s not that I don’t want to share, but I needed to make sure that what I am sharing is in the spirit of this work, and in facing some of my deeper fears, I haven’t felt particularly kind, or compassionate.

She would tell me that it’s ok, and that the people who read this work are not the kind of people who would judge me for it. She would probably also tell me that sharing what really hurts can be of value to me, and to others at the same time.

She’d probably also tell me that not writing over the last couple of months has been a way to escape facing what I’ve felt.

And honestly, she’d probably be right.

But she’s also been teaching me a principle that until recently I have truly sucked at, and that’s choosing when to prioritize self care over what I feel like I owe to the world.

One of the similarities of people who grew up in less than desirable circumstances is that they often struggle to find balance, and have an even worse time establishing boundaries, and that they often feel like they have to make amends for who they are.

Mea culpa – very guilty as charged.

And so while I struggle with the feeling that I am not doing enough, and that I am never being enough, I’m trying to understand that sometimes I need to just stop listening to all the narratives in my head.

Instead, I might try to find a point of stillness so that I can take the time and the space to continue healing the deeper parts of me that were fractured , and which have continued to plague me for longer than I can remember. (Although she would also tell me that I am enough as I am, and that nothing needs to be 'healed')

Because it’s easier to move forward when standing on ground that isn’t shifting underneath you.

Over the last 3 months, I’ve begun to experience the change of standing on a different foundation. It’s strange to not have this continual cacophony of criticism coming from deep within me.

I’ve even had times where I’ve found myself with nothing immediate to be done, and noticed how unusual that feels, and how unaccustomed I’ve become with the concept of doing something just because it’s fun.

Which funnily enough is one of the things my coach has been teaching me to focus on – what looks like fun, what can you do right now that you have no negative feelings or issues around.

And most of all, she’s been reminding me that there are times when the greatest thing I can do for myself is to do absolutely nothing, and just sit with my feelings. Observing them, and allowing them to pass through me, so that I might understand that they are just feelings, and are usually a result of something deep in my soul that I can let go of anytime I want to.

Which is probably the hardest thing to hear, because I have taught that particular truth to people myself

I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have worked with my coach over the last few months, and I’m sorry that it’s taken me away from this work for a while, but I felt like it was necessary for me to become the next iteration of me; to grow into someone who can serve you better, and share from an even greater depth of knowledge and compassion.

So yeah, I'm thinking I’m back. A little older, a little wiser, and hopefully able to share with you things that will help you in your life to find peace, balance, happiness and wisdom.

Because I truly believe that the only way to heal this world, and to change and uplift the nature of the human experience, is to change within ourselves, so that we can serve and help others from a place without judgment, and without need.

In my experience, the people who are truly happy within themselves are the ones who bring a higher level of peace to the world.

So this is me, returning to help you in whatever way I can, so that together we can help and heal those around us.

And hopefully change a little bit of what it means to be human.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 537: Holding So Hard to the ‘Truth’

Holding so hard to the ‘Truth’

If anyone ever tells you that coaching is fun, run from them as fast as possible… because they’re either an idiot, or have no concept of what real coaching is, or they are trying to sell you something.

About a month ago I started working with a coach for my own growth. She’s a woman who I have known for a while was going to be a part of my journey, and so far I’ve had 4 calls with her.

Only 1 of them has been what I would describe as ‘fun’.

The other three have been hard, painful and left me in what has been termed in our household the ‘post Jessica funk’. Other people she coaches refer to it as a ‘hang over’, and there are a lot of similarities.

You feel like your world is upside down, you feel lost, your head hurts, and you just want to sit in a corner and not think anymore. I knew she would take me through this, which is probably why I waited a long time to sign up with her, and so far it is living up to my expectations

Which tells me it’s doing some good, because it’s forcing me to face things I don’t want to face.

Right now, she’s having me work on being present in the moment, and sitting with the feelings that occur.

I must admit that it’s frustrating to have someone saying to me the things that I have said to others, but that’s why coaching is so important… because we can’t read the label on our own jar, and sometimes we need to hear the things from someone else that we have never been able to tell ourselves.

And to be honest, being ‘present’ right now sucks.

Because I, like most people, have a bunch of stories in my head. Good things, bad things, difficult things. All of these stories are there to emotionally hold on to a ‘truth’ that for some reason I am unable to let go of.

That these truths are difficult to live with is an understatement, but I am reminded that the difficulty is coming from one source, and one source only…

The meanings I am assigning to the events that are driving those emotions.

Does that sound crazy… because it did to me. When I first learned that truth, it drove me nuts… like it really pissed me off.

Once you realize that you have a choice in how you choose to interpret ANY event in your life, then you are faced with the truth that your choice means you are responsible for the meanings you attach to events, and for the emotions that you feel.

When you understand that every emotion is a choice (no matter how instinctive it feels) then you begin to realize just how different the universe is from the one you thought you were living in.

You don’t have to like it, but the only way you can change is by accepting it. If you have no control, then you are a puppet of the world. If you choose to take control then reality becomes how you decide to interpret it.

But make no mistake – choosing responsibility for your interpretations and your emotions will demand from you a blistering self honesty, a determination like nothing you’ve ever experienced, and no matter how strong you are, it will bring you to your knees.

But how long you choose to stay there, is really up to you (and me). It always has been.

It’s just that sometimes, rising back up means letting go of the lies that have served you.

And that well and truly sucks…

But it’s worth it. I truly believe that it is.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #536: Progression

Progression

You start off angry. At who – everybody.

The person who changed lanes a little aggressively, or the person who stood in front of you at the coffee shop for 10 minutes and now holds a long conversation with the barista trying to make up their mind. Like seriously – you had 10 minutes… how much longer to do you need. Order your coffee, and get out of my way.

Everybody seems like they need a throat punch, and you feel like handing them out generously.

And you spend however long you want to like this. Seeing nothing but faults in the world, and everything is personal against you. It’s your own kind of special hell, because everyone, and I mean everyone, has a say in how you are feeling.

Anyone who doesn’t do things exactly how you like them done has the ability to send you over the edge, into a pit of frustration and rage.

Day after day, month after month, year after year.

Until finally, on one blessed day, you realize that the one constant factor in your nightmare is the one that you actually have some kind of ability to change.

And you begin to go inward, working on yourself.

Suddenly, you’re surrounded by more frustration than you’ve ever known before. Because now, the person who annoys you the most is yourself. Suddenly there is no safe refuge, no animosity towards others, that can save you from this level of hell.

As the mirror of your awareness turns inwards, and you see for the first time the horror of who you have allowed yourself to become, you understand in one blinding instant just how much you need to change.

Your knees will buckle for a while, and you’ll fall into a darkness more complete, and more terrifying, than you’ve ever known.

One by one, you catalogue your issues, and begin to see the connections. Little by little, you start to find answers to the questions that have besieged you for so long, all the while struggling to believe that you have any place to serve in the world, any goodness left in your soul with which to help others. There’s really only one benefit to going this deeply…

Other people have lost their ability to annoy you.

Sure, they might be irritating, but that’s all they can do now. Gone are the days when they could push you into rage and anger. Their faults, compared to your own, seem tiny and of little consequence.

The more you begin to understand your trauma, and your tears, the more you can see the troubles through which they struggle.

And that’s when it hits you.

Because suddenly, you begin to find for them a strange emotion, a weird feeling that seems alien at first, and somewhat uncomfortable. Because compassion for others has never been something that has overwhelmed you, and brought you to your knees.

Yet now you find yourself seeing each person as if anew, and finding in the darkest depths of your soul a sense of pity, and a desire to help them reduce or eliminate their suffering. You cry at their misfortunes, and you give more generously than you ever have, not out a sense of guilt, but out of a true desire to help.

Your view of the world changes, from darkness into light.

But most of all, in the dark shadows of your demons, you begin to shine that light of compassion onto yourself. For when you realize that you are no better or no worse than everyone around you, and you can forgive them, then you realize that the gift you now give freely to others is one you can also extend to yourself.

Piece by piece, day by day, you learn to forgive and love yourself.

At which point, the whole universe becomes alive. Suddenly there are people to help, joy to be shared, compassion to be extended and grief to be washed away.

When you see the humanity and divinity of the awareness present in others, you also come to understand that that same majesty and wonder also resides within you.

Then, with a faltering breath, and a tear in your eye, you see everything as it really is, and you marvel at how blind you ever were before, to have missed such a marvel that existed all around you.

And you flood with gratitude for your progress, and desire to share it with others.

May you find joy in your progression, and may we share that joy together.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #535: Death by Caring

Death by Caring.

Do you ever struggle with caring too much? Have you ever reached that point where you are so concerned about the feelings of others, that you realize you’re living in an emotional minefield, afraid to say and do the things you want to do because of how it will affect other people?

I’m honestly there right now, and it’s made me realize that there are two sides to this problem.

And neither of them are good.

Because I have a couple situations in my life that are bugging me, and both are because what I feel is the right course of action in each situation will create unhappiness for someone else.

In thinking this through, I’ve realized that the problem is partially with me, in that I am too willing to sacrifice my personal boundaries for others, but also with those who will be unhappy, as they are determining their happiness based on the activities of others which they have no right to expect.

Yeah, I get that that needs a little unpacking.

Let’s start with me, because in the end, that’s the only place I can affect change. I’ve realized over the last few years while writing this work that I tend to be more concerned about the feelings others than my own.

This leads to me avoid situations that would create sadness for another, by sacrificing actions that would bring peace to myself.

This is not necessarily a bad thing in the short term, but if you do it too much, or too often, you find yourself sacrificing your soul to the happiness of others.

Which left unchecked causes stress, burnout and eventually ‘moral injury’.

On the other side of the equation are people who base their happiness and sense of worth on the actions and the acquiescence of others.

Please understand that this is not in any way a judgment on their worth or value as a human being (nor as a person), but an observation of behaviors that they exhibit that actually cause pain to themselves as well as others.

Behaviors that they may not even see as a problem.

And so, the equation goes something like this...

I (not desiring to hurt someone)...

sacrifice my sense of right (which creates stress) in order to preserve the feelings of someone else (who bears me no ill will)...

because they have emotional needs and expectations (that cause them as much pain as it does me) that will be hurt if I do what I think is right.

I hate to sound like a math professor, but in this circumstance, this equation is never going to find a balance unless both sides change.

And the only person I have any influence over is me.

Which means that in order to find authenticity within myself (which is one of the most important waypoints on the pathway to happiness) I have to find a way to make the choices and do the things that I believe to be right, and explain them in a way that leaves no room for misinterpretation.

Please note, this doesn’t mean it won’t cause pain to the other person, rather that I try to minimize that pain, while still doing that which is right.

And being ok with them thinking that I am wrong.

Which is really hard for me, because I try to be a peacemaker, and to protect the feelings of others. That makes me a good person right… a caring person right…. After all, sacrificing for others is the sign of an evolved person, an enlightened person…. All the things I would like to think I am becoming.

But it’s all wrong if it’s done out of fear, or out of need. My ‘need’ to avoid causing others any pain, even at the cost of my own sense of self, is not a behavior to be accepted, but rather a pathology to be repaired.

Which means I have some hard choices to make, and some difficult conversations to have.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #534: A Stunning Desolation

A Stunning Desolation.

The drive was only about 35 minutes. Past crops growing in the fields, and cows chewing in the dairies. Then the landscape changed, into scrub high desert, and rock formations.

As the miles flew by, we changed from rural landscape to forbidding sagebrush. The further we departed from civilization, the more rugged the terrain became, until at last we came to the canyon’s edge.

And stared down into a river that has been flowing so long that there is no emotional metric that would allow us to experience a concept of time that vast.

Because so long ago, this canyon was formed either from a violent disruption below, or a slow and steady erosion from above. As we stared down into the water, and then looked at the landscape around us, there was very little evidence that we, as humans, had ever been here.

Other than the endless blacktop that had smoothed our passage here, there was very little to suggest that we had any place here, or that we were welcome.

And then the sun began to set.

Out there in the middle of nowhere, you realize very quickly just how dependent we are on the heat and the light that our nearest star provides. As the darkness increased, there was both a feeling of cooling, and a sense of quiet.

As the corona of the sun slipped quietly over the horizon, and the color of the sky began to change, there was a sense of wonder, of beauty, and of foreboding.

Because this is not a place that we are meant to be.

As the sunlight bounced off of the clouds, the sky became alight with a beautiful orange glow, and the terrain welcomed its shroud of darkness. Only the river, eternal and relentless, seemed to share a sense of disappointment at the end of this day, and did its best to hold onto the light by reflecting the last of the daylight coming from the clouds.

And as the darkness enveloped the world, the lights from the few statements of human presence glowed out their message of presence, of safety, of help.

Because you couldn’t be with me that day, I took this picture for you, and share my words with you, in the hope that you can experience a sense of the wonder, the majesty and the immensity that is this stunning desolation, this monument to life, and to time.

Standing there, seeing all that was before me, I again found a sense of connection with and marvel at the universe in which we live, and the planet upon which we live and breathe.

In the midst of the foreboding darkness, and the terrain which offered little comfort, there was still a sense of being present in a place of wonder, a companionship with something greater in the universe, even its whole.

For although we are so small and so temporarily finite in the totality of the universe, there is also a recognition that we are a part of something much greater than we see, so much more than we know.

As the last light of the day brushed our faces and warmed our souls, there was a recognition that we stood not just above a canyon and a river, but in a universe of infinite majesty and wonder.

And that we were connected to it all.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #533: Forgiving Mr. Lewis

Forgiving Mr. Lewis.

If you read my post from 2 days ago, you’ll remember that I mentioned the time when a bailiff came to our door, and in a manner that seemed cruel and heartless, left my Mom in tears as he told her that we had 2 weeks to get the rent current, or we were going to be evicted.

In my memory, he treated her with scorn, disrespect and a complete and utter lack of kindness and decency.

And to be honest, I have hated him for that.

But hatred is as effective as love in emotionally tying us to something, so that we have a hard time letting it go. Since that day, I’ve had this invisible scar in my emotional memory that made me feel like any time I asked someone for money (money that I had earned through my work), I was essentially becoming Mr. Lewis, the cruel and heartless bailiff.

I wasn’t consciously aware that I was feeling this, I just knew I had a really hard time with asking for and accepting money from a person face to face.

Given that I’m self employed, you can probably imagine just how hard it has made things in business, in negotiations, and in life.

So when I messaged my coach on Monday afternoon telling her that I realized that I needed a new emotional paradigm for when I ask someone for money, I thought that was a really good breakthrough, and that I was on my way to being done with this particular part of my evolution.

It’s been painful for me to re-live this experience from my past, and I wanted to get it done and over with as soon as possible.

And then I got her message back, and my heart kind of sank a little.

Because while she agreed with me that I should work on a new emotional concept for asking for money, she also suggested that I try to find some way to forgive him, and maybe explain his attitudes and behavior that day.

I knew the second I heard her say it that she was right, but for a moment I fought against it, because who honestly likes to recognize the humanity of our enemies.

Enemies are easier when we see them as one dimensional, without nuance and respect.

However, I also knew that she was correct in that offering him forgiveness would allow me to complete the emotional reconfiguration that would allow me to let go of this painful chapter, and begin the process of changing the effects that it had had on my life and my business.

My coach called the right play, the play that I needed, and now it was time for me to execute it.

So I found a place of peace in my soul, and tried to see him as a person, rather than the outcome of his behaviors.

And immediately I was struck with a profound sadness for him, not because of him. I could see him in a job that was probably pretty thankless, and one that made him despised and disliked. I realized that his life probably didn’t have many ‘upsides’.

He was physically unremarkable man, slightly overweight and balding. He probably didn’t want to be there any more than I did, or my Mom did.

I’m guessing there weren’t many ‘great days’ in his professional history, where he got to make a difference, and be thanked, and feel uplifted. I wondered how he felt going home, if he was happy, if he was close to his family, or if he was alone, isolated and unloved.

And although none of these things would have given him license to act the way he did, I was able to accept that maybe his actions that day were not of his best intention, and that given a chance to go back and do it over again, he might have chosen a kinder manner, a more compassionate communication, a better way of being human.

And in that moment, I felt a break in the links of the chain to my past.

Although this breakthrough didn’t change the events of the past, letting go of my anger for him allowed me to re-contextualize the memories I had held for far too long, and begin a new chapter of my story.

I still have to figure out a new emotional construct around money, but I’m doing it at last without a terrible painful memory holding me back.

And for today, for this moment, that is going to be enough.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #532: The Boy Who Froze In Place

The Boy Who Froze In Place.

I spent about 45 minutes on Saturday morning feeling pretty beat up emotionally. While that doesn’t sound like a lot of fun, it gets even more bizarre when I tell you that I paid a lot for the experience.

The person guiding me through this particular little journey through hell is someone who I’ve been watching for a while now, and I made the decision early last week to hire her as my mindset coach.

Yeah, even though I coach, I also have a coach. Why you ask? Because we’re all blind to the things about ourselves that we need to see, but just can’t.

My coach is someone who sees a lot, and is unbelievably amazing at helping people see themselves differently. While she has no credentials that would hint at her skills, I’ve found her to be remarkably gifted and incredibly kind in the work that she does, helping people break through the things that are holding them back.

So in a simple phone call on a beautiful Saturday morning, she shared her wisdom and talents with me, and helped me understand how one event, so many years ago, had shaped my life and controlled my behaviors.

The event was us nearly becoming homeless.

My dad used alcohol to deal with his pain from his own traumatic childhood, and he spent more than we could afford. One day a bailiff showed up at our door, and informed my tearful mother that we had two weeks to become current with the rent or we were going to be evicted.

I watched him treat her like she was loathsome and dirty.
I watched her experience intense and horrific emotional pain.

Unable to emotionally process all that was unfolding before me, I froze, and I’ve been freezing ever since.

Because although I wanted to help her, I was frozen because there was no obvious way for me to function within that situation. I didn’t have the money to get us current with the rent, and I wasn’t big enough to inflict upon him the physical pain that I wish I could have.

So I actually did the one thing that was applicable for me to do in the situation…I froze, and did nothing.

Which funnily enough was exactly how I would behave when my dad would come home drunk from the pub, and we would have to be very careful not to antagonize him in any way. Or when the Doctor I used to work for would flip from being a nice guy into someone who was angry and cruel.

Or when a man who was in a position of authority over me for almost 2 years would use his position of power to enforce his opinions and beliefs onto those over whom he held sway.

I would freeze, time after time after time.

And the funny thing is, I told myself I was being a peacemaker, and that I was reacting ‘calmly’. It’s incredible how we will often co-opt a virtue to explain our behaviors, to cast in a good light that which we find shameful, or distressing about ourselves.

In just a few minutes, my coach helped me see not only a pattern of reactions that finally made sense, but the meaning I was taking from those reactions to cover a feeling of shame that never needed to be there at all.

Because although I have viewed myself with incredible scorn, and a sense of shame, in most of those situations, freezing was an acceptable solution because I was not yet ready to function within those situations in any other way.

In most of those situations my responses likely would have been anger, quite possibly violence, and a worsening of the problem in a way that would not have served me or my family.

And yet I have judged myself so harshly for those reactions, wishing I could have done better.

So now, I am tasked with sitting with the feelings that come from a greater understanding, and allowing them to wash away the self judgment and recrimination that has anchored me as that young boy who froze in a moment where there was really no other way to be.

And as I sit with those feelings, I can see the other emotions that accompanied me in those time, of feeling helpless, alone, and unable to behave as the person who I wanted to be.

Releasing an anchor to the past is a powerful and yet emotional experience, because now I get to decide who I am going to be in the future as I am less locked into my past.

Which is a new and rather strange place to be.

And it makes me curious about some of the reactions from childhood that you carry with you to this day.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #531: Peace Between The Pines

Peace Between The Pines.

As I sit here, listening to the rushing of the river and feeling the breeze blow gently through the trees, I find myself feeling something I haven’t felt much this year… a gentle sense of peace.

Maybe it’s just that we decided to get out of town for the 4th of July weekend and we’re kind of isolated up here in the mountains, or maybe it’s the cleaner air and quieter pace of life that flows through this little Idaho town in which we’ve sheltered.

Or maybe it’s being surrounded by tall, green, powerful pine trees, that enclose the cabin we’ve rented in its own little valley of peace.

At this point, I don’t care which it is, or even if it’s the culmination of all three. All I know is that I’ve lost track of the time, and other than a couple of people this morning when we ran into town for supplies, I’ve seen no one but my family and an incredible number of butterflies all day.

The solitude of our situation has been healing to my soul, but has also made me realize something profound and yet kind of disturbing.

That the peace I feel here away from the world is in direct contrast to the chaos and conflict within that world…and it’s not getting better anytime soon.

Because we’ve crossed into the realm where the emotional violence of virtue has all but destroyed the nuance of the nature of man. A species that has bettered itself by understanding that nature has details and delineations is instead quickly separating itself into the binary polarity that could very suddenly pull it apart.

The imagined virtue of ‘being right’ is trampling over the implicit virtue of ‘being kind’, and people find themselves in conflict over what is inferred, rather than what may be actually implied.

And once kindness leaves, contempt, contention and chaos will quickly take its place.

Which is why my palace of peace within the pines is so refreshing to me right now. Other than our puppy barking at things that have apparently intruded on her space (which, let’s face it, is everywhere she can see) it’s been an oasis of calm, kindness and compassion. It’s also reminded me that this is how life is supposed to be…

And why I need to do whatever I need to do to experience more of it.

Because I think we’ve all become so used to the bustle and insanity that is modern life, to say nothing of a pandemic and massive social upheaval, that we’ve forgotten that life is here to be enjoyed, not just survived.

We’ve lost sight of the fact that life itself is an incredible blessing, and that peace is the state in which we need to find ourselves, both within and without.

In my solitude within the pines, I realized that happiness is living in harmony with whatever and wherever we find ourselves to be.

So as the sun kissed the pines above me, and the butterflies flew within the flowers around me, I connected with the earth, with the silence, and with the universe.

As I sat on a swing, gently moving to and fro, the breeze for my companion and the rushing water for my guide.

Quietly marveling at all that was around me.

And finding within, a moment of peace.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflections

So I've been writing this for over 2 years now, and I'm thinking about putting together a free e-book with some of my favorite posts with added depth/commentary.

Anyone interested in receiving that? Comment 'Me' below if you would like a copy.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Greatest Gift in the World

The Greatest Gift in the World.

Although it’s not exactly a gift, because it’s not like I can give it to you.

Oh I can help you find your way to it, showing you the pathways, helping you when you are lost, picking you up when you are down, and pointing out the things you just can’t see because they are too painful, or too much a part of you.

But no matter how much I guide you to it, this is really a gift only you can give to yourself.

And yet so many people struggle at accepting it.

It may be because of the beliefs that were instilled in you as a child, or the meaning you have taken from a million different experiences in your past. It might even be because you don’t trust yourself to accept it, thinking that it somehow would change who you are in a way that would be scary, and difficult for others to understand.

Which is kind of funny , because once you take this gift, and allow it to become a part of you, it won’t change anything about you, except to remove everything that wasn’t really you in the first place.

All that, just by taking unto you “The Gift of being Acceptable Unto Yourself’.

Whenever I teach this concept to people, there’s always someone who wants to push back, which is funny, since that’s usually the person who needs to hear it the most.

People seem to get really uncomfortable with the idea of allowing themselves the space and the acceptance of ‘being enough’, and they struggle to realize that from self acceptance comes the ultimate emotional source of self love, and self peace.

Just by accepting who you are as ‘enough’.

But why wouldn’t you be? Maybe because someone a long time ago told you that you had to live up to an ideal of perfection in order to be worthy of something, or someone taught you that ‘considering yourself as good’ was wrong, and that you needed to understand that your inherent nature was ‘bad’.

Worst of all, maybe in order to assuage a feeling of sadness as a young child, you took upon yourself the need to be better than everyone else, just to make up for a time when you didn’t feel good enough.

Sadly, the lies we tell ourselves are the hardest to let go of, because we treat them as truths when in reality they are anything but.

But once you’ve reached a point where you become ‘acceptable unto yourself’, you begin to find a new sensation that surrounds you and surprises you. As the importance of the opinions of others diminishes, you’re left with the sensation of peace within your soul.

Once your opinion is confirmed as the one to which you need to attend, you’ll understand that being your authentic self is not only the greatest gift you can give to the world, but it’s also the greatest one you can give to yourself.

Imagine for a moment how that would feel…

To know that you feel acceptable unto yourself, and that you are worthy of love, of respect, of kindness and of all the good that there is to be had in this world.

No longer having to accept the ideals and ideologies of others, but your own person, informed and in full control.

Being you, and being enough.

Like you always have been.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Scalpels, Sledgehammers and Stitches

Scalpels, Sledgehammers and Stitches

I’ve been writing this post in my head for almost a week now, and to be honest, I’m afraid to publish it.

I’m afraid because no matter how hard I’ve tried over the last 2+ years to promote peace and help people find a sense of quiet understanding in their souls, there’s probably going to be someone I annoy, like the lady in 2018 who took offence to my post on July 4, and completely missed the point I was trying to make in favor of her own sense of outrage and superiority.

But I feel this post needs to be written, especially now.

In my adopted country of America, we’re in the middle of period of great unrest. The horrific death of one man due to the actions of another who was supposed to protect him has sparked off a greater discussion, and in some aspects a larger war, between different schools of thought, and different aspects of belief.

Thankfully, I’ve not seen anyone seriously disagree that his death was preventable, and the condemnation of the individual who was responsible his death has been widespread and immediate.

But that is where the uniformity of opinion ends.

Now we have the dangerous clash of opinions fueled by outrage, hatred and fear. I’m not going to get into the semantics of the differences of the opinions and responses, because focusing on what divides them is, to me, missing the problem. Rather, I’m focused more on the dangerous thing they share in common.

A willingness to divide themselves from the whole.

And please don’t get me wrong, I understand how when you feel passionately about something, it’s tempting to look at someone on the other side of the situation and label them, dismiss them, ridicule them and marginalize them, secure in the belief that you are right, you are the ‘good person’, that you are the virtuous person, the smart person, the one who knows.

I think there is a certain kind of high you get the moment you dehumanize your opposition.

Because then you don’t have to take into consideration anything that they have to say. You get to place them behind a label, secure in your knowledge that they are so very bad and you are so very good.

If history teaches us anything, it’s that all significant conflict starts with the division of something into two of something else.

And I’m seeing a lot of that in people’s responses to the situation we now find ourselves in.

Facebook especially has been a breeding ground for this. I see more hatred, animosity and honestly cruelty in the last week and a half than I’ve ever seen on this platform.

So many posts that start with “if you don’t like this then please go ahead un-friend me”. Or posts that contain something like “if your opinion is different, I don’t want to hear it”.

I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

I’ve written before that you can tell that someone has lost their place on the pathway to peace when they are no longer trying to balance between opposing forces, and instead are willing to ignore the thoughts, feelings and opinions of “the other side” side in favor of their own.

That’s become an epidemic in this country, and it’s going to tear us apart.

Please understand me clearly. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have strong opinions, because the events that we’ve seen have been sickening, and if they haven’t moved you then that would concern me greatly. The problem becomes when your opinion is the only thing you listen to, and you stop trying to find peace in favor of prosecuting your own personal little war.

Because then it becomes about you, and I’ve seen so much of that recently.

People who are so in love with their newfound evangelism that they are puffed up in their own superiority, certain that they, and only day, are the recipient of wisdom, and the arbiter of all that is good.

Yes they may have good intentions on their side, and yes, their ‘enemies’ may have faults, but as the saying goes “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”, because so many times the pathway to war has carved out through somebody trying to do “good” at the behest of their own ego rather than the balance of what is right

History teaches us that nothing good comes from this.

If you get the time, I would ask you to check out the TED taught by a man named Daryl Davis. He is a black man (his description of himself) who reached out to those in groups who hated him, befriended them, and brought them out of the darkness.

When it would have been so easy for him to hate those who hated him, instead he sought to understand them, to talk with them, to learn from them, and to find peace with them.

He is an incredible man, and his story deserves telling.

I apologize for being absent over the last week or so, but I have been trying to listen rather than speak, trying to learn rather than talk. If anything, I am more determined than ever to try to find a way to make a greater impact, because there is so little peace in the world, and if we don’t step back from the brink, we as a nation are going to carry ourselves into the abyss.

If we can’t talk with and listen to those with whom we disagree, then we are destined for a dark future.

Because instead of sledgehammers of opinion, rhetoric and violence, we need scalpels of kindness, compassion and togetherness.

Only then, only then will we find the stitches that will bind us together, and allow us to heal.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings