Morning Reflection # 638: When All the Words in the World Won’t Work

I’m married to a beautiful woman. For 26 years now she’s been my wife, my best friend, my confidant and cheerleader. We went to a wedding reception a couple of weeks ago, and she looked graceful and stunning. Sure she looks a little different from the woman I married, but to me, she gets more beautiful every day.

Although, when I try to tell her she’s beautiful, she just looks at me like I’m crazy.

But in the same vein, I really don’t listen to many people anyways. I don’t mean that to sound like I am dismissing everyone… far from it. But I've got this narrative in my head about how the world works, and more importantly, my place in it. That narrative is born out of years and tears, hardened by successes and failures, and most of all backed up by thousands of hours of confirmation bias, and self fulfilling behaviors.

So whatever you’ve got to tell me…. Chances are it’s gonna bounce right off.

Which is why when I work with someone one on one, I try to remember to ask questions rather than give instructions, because the only answers we really listen to are the ones we find for ourselves. As humans, we’re always going through the universe answering our own questions, and most of the time we don’t stop to ask ourselves if the comfortable answers we’ve settled on are actually true.

And when someone tries to tell us something different, well at best we get uncomfortable, and at worst, we get angry.

So when I see a good meaning soul try to tell someone what they need to do, especially when it’s obvious that the person they are talking to probably knows that already… well I just have to take a deep breath, and realize that I have been that person too. Born out of a desire to help, often with a side of ego, we all like to spread our own gospel of opinion throughout the universe.

Most of the time, all we do is make ourselves feel better, without realizing how little we are accomplishing.

Which is why with this work I try to suggest things to think about, and hopefully help you find a better pathway through your own questions. Yet all the time, I have to remember that someone may have a truth that works differently for them, and that doesn’t make them a bad person. Good and kind people are always going to differ in their opinions.

Just as we often see ourselves differently than everybody else.

But there comes a point in each of our lives when words aren’t going to cut it. Sure, talking is great, and I seem to do a lot of it, but it’s never going to be enough. I have a quote on a whiteboard to the left of my chair that I wrote many years ago, when I started this particular branch of my journey. It reads simply this… ‘Don’t tell me what you want me to know, help me feel it’.

Because what we ‘feel’ will almost always over-ride what we ‘know’.

So yeah, when I write these pieces, I’m trying to get you to think, but I’m also trying to help you feel something, because that is how we change what we ‘know’. When I think about the number of people whose opinions can actually change how I feel about something, well it’s honestly a pretty small group of people.

And most of them would never tell me something, but they would ask me better questions.

It’s said that a picture is worth a thousand words, and a movie is worth a billion. Yet I have seen a hug break through someone’s pain in a way that words never could. I have been lucky enough to help others have experiences that have enabled them to feel a whole new truth about themselves. I've seen a simple gesture of a handshake or a wave make the difference between misunderstanding and connection.

So yes, while words can be wonderful, sometimes what we really need is a different kind of connection.

But most of all, we need to realize that the words we speak and write to others can only take them so far. The real growth for a person comes not from what we tell them, but from the way we make them feel when we ask them.

Because when I tell you, I am communicating to you that I don’t trust you to come up with your own answers. When I ask you, I’m actually telling you that you have a right to your own answers, and that all I’m doing is help you find what is real to you.

And when I spend my currency of time with you and for you, I’m really hoping you’ll see why I think you are worth it.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 637: Becoming

For once, I had today’s reflection all planned out. I’d been watching a movie that I had been meaning for watch for a long time, and I was kind of surprised by my response to it. It gave me some good things to think about, and as I opened up Facebook to check what reflection number this was going to be, I got sidetracked by a quote that a friend of mine had shared.

I have no idea who ‘Roach-works’ on Tumblr is, or even if this quote belongs to them. All I know is it stopped me cold, and I realized that my carefully planned and thought out reflection was going to have to wait for another day, because I had something rather different to share.

The quote is simply this: “I think ultimately you become whoever would have saved you at the time that no one did”.

There’s so much wisdom in that one line that I honestly struggled finding out where to begin unpacking it. It hit me like a thunderbolt, and for a moment I just sat here riding a wave of intense emotion. I took a couple of deep breaths, and tried to pick my way through the multitude of feelings washing over me. It took a little while, but I was finally able to uncover the truth of why this struck me so forcefully.

And I suddenly realized why I have been writing this work.

Because honestly, there have been a number of times in my life where I think the presence of somebody older and wiser could have really helped. As some of you know, I don’t have a great relationship with my dad, in fact it’s been over 26 years since I’ve seen him, about half of my life. Even when he was there when I was younger, he was too busy trying to survive the trauma of his own childhood to really be present emotionally.

And since I was scared of one grandfather and have almost no memory of the other, I didn’t really have anyone I could connect with as a father figure when I was a child.

So when it came time to be a parent, I was doing a lot of things on instinct rather than experience. I can honestly tell you that I made a lot of mistakes in my life, but if there is one area that I can look at and think that I really did okay, it’s in my relationship with my children. I wasn’t a perfect parent, and I’m still not, but I can honestly say that my two boys are my best friends, and that the relationship we have is so very different from the one that I grew up with.

And yet even now, in my early 50s, there are still many times where I wish I had somebody who I could talk to about things. Someone who I felt had the wisdom that I needed, and that could have made such a difference in my life both years ago and now.

And then it struck me… I’ve been trying to be that person for everybody else.

This work, whatever it is, began over five years ago at a time in my life where I was really struggling. I wanted to find myself, I wanted to understand what I really felt, and most of all I wanted to share something that may be helped somebody else. Because I know what it’s like to sit there in the dark and feel like there is no one who I can turn to.

I honestly don’t want anyone else to feel that way.

It’s kind of a sobering thought to realize that what I’m really doing is trying to heal myself through helping others. I know enough about my own psychology to realize that probably some of this work is my attempt to forge a different meaning out of the events of my life, and find a meaning that essentially gives value to things that I’ve gone through, so that I could help others.

It’s kind of funny how, as creatures of meaning, we do things subconsciously so that we might find our way to the stories that allow us to live with who we are and what has happened.

In the words of one of my mentors who was there for me, “in the end we are all just stories, make yours a good one”.

As I sit here in my office at home crafting this piece, I’m struck by an incredible sense of responsibility for every word that I write, because I understand that there are those of you who read this who didn’t have somebody show up at a time in your life when you needed them to. I don’t claim to be able to “save” anybody, but I promise you that every word you read on this page is born out of a deep desire to help you in any way that I can.

Because in the end, we do have a choice in who we become. We don’t get to choose the circumstances of our birth, and we have far less control over the daily lives that we live and we would like to believe. What it comes right down to is the person who we turn ourselves into, through our choices, our actions, and the way we spend the time which we have been given.

I guess for me, it’s about becoming somebody who can share something that helps people get through this thing we call life, and maybe, just maybe, find a modicum of peace on the journey.

Despite how it looks, none of us have it easy. Being human is never without trials and struggles and difficulties. All of us have our mountains to climb, our rivers to cross, and our burdens to bear.

May we lift one another where we can, so that we may save each other from any more suffering than is absolutely necessary.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 636: Ethereal

Have you ever seen the Northern lights, or sat and listened to a choir harmonizing in a large building? Maybe it was watching the sunset over the western sky, as the last rays of light for that day pass off into eternity. Perhaps it was a moment of reflection deep in the mountains, where the solitude allowed you to connect with something that feels larger than yourself.

However, whenever or wherever, we all seem to at some point have had the experience of feeling connected to something that is definitely beyond ourselves.

I remember very clearly the last solar eclipse. I was working that day, and the patient who I expected to show up for an appointment never made it. I got to stand out in the parking lot by my office, and share the moment with some friends who own a business just opposite mine. I remember this incredible sense of wonder as the sky darkened, and nature seemed to pause and take a deep breath.

At the moment where the light was lowest, I felt a sudden understanding and connection with the universe.

It’s like I know logically that we are on a planet revolving around a sun, but in that moment I had the actual experience of feeling the light from that sun being blocked by a moon orbiting our planet, and I could sense the majesty and wonder and vastness of where I was standing. One man, connected by gravity to a planet, hurtling through the darkness, and yet feeling like I was a part of it all.

Like there was something more, of which I was just a part.

If you’ve ever experienced this, and I hope you really have, you know that what I’m trying to describe is very difficult to put into words. About 45 minutes from our house is an area where people go to gaze at the stars, because you are kind of out in the middle of nowhere with very little light. On a clear night without a moon, you can see the majesty of the Milky Way as it crosses the sky.

It’s an awe-inspiring and humbling sight, to realize how small we are.

And there’s something about that perspective that moves me. I think it’s far too easy for us to get caught up in our own daily lives, with our personalities and our problems, our trials and our triumphs. We lose sight of the fact that although in our own way we think we are important, in the grander scheme of things we all play a very small part in the history of the world, and in the comings and goings of the universe.

But the majesty of life declares that though our part may be small, without us the very nature of reality would be different.

I think the more frequently we expose ourselves to the aspect of the ethereal, the greater our potential to obtain a wider and deeper perspective on life. The better we see our place in the universe, and our importance, the more we will come to understand the divinity that is life, and grow in both our respect and our respectfulness for others.

Because once you have seen the whole, you realize the incredible value of all its component parts.

The older I get, and the further down my pathway I travel, have come to realize that there is not a person on this earth who isn’t important. I may not have always seen that truth before, and if perchance our paths crossed before I understood that, I’m very sorry that I didn’t recognize the majesty of your soul. We’re all learning, and some of us are further beyond, and some further behind.

But all are important. All are a part of the whole.

It can be a struggle sometimes to remember this. I don’t claim to have any special talent or understanding of how to maintain that reverence and respect every moment of every day, but all I can tell you is that the more I connect to the ethereal, and the more I’m able to sense the grandeur and majesty of the universe in which we live, the stronger I feel my connection to you and to everyone around me.

Bathing my soul in the wonder of creation, I find all of creation a wonder.

Including you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 635: Accepting Yourself

There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to lay it out for you. What I’m about to teach you is a super power. You master this, and suddenly the world becomes a very different place. Every relationship you have changes. The responsibilities you have are altered. You step into every moment of your life a changed person, with greater calm, increased power, and a deeper sense of being alive.

I know – sounds too good to be true right?

The amazing part about is that there’s no catch. In order to access this super power, you just need to do one simple thing… accept who you are without shame, without ego, and without judgment of value. Because once you can do that, everything else falls into a different perspective.

It doesn’t mean everything is suddenly perfect… far from it.

What it does mean is that you can move forward in life without a lot of excess baggage. As humans, we spend so much energy trying to make sure that we “looks the right way, or drive the right car, or live in the right house, or say the right things. We spend so much money buying things that we think will make us “enough” when what we are really trying to do is bury that sense of unworthiness under a mountain of things.

It’s the very active judging ourselves that becomes a problem.

That’s not to say that we act without a sense of judgment, it’s just that that judgment is about the choices that we made, not about the value of the person who made those choices. I can look at things that I have done and see if they were in harmony with the principles that I try to live by, and realize sometimes they are not.

But that shouldn’t change my value.

We all make mistakes, we all have different backgrounds. I’ve known people who grew up in a very safe homes, with everything they could have asked for, and they go through life just expecting that. They seem to have achieved “a lot” and yet they essentially started on 3rd base and just walked their way into home plate.

I’ve also known people who have come from very tough backgrounds, and who look as though they are falling far short of “the world” but who have in actuality run a much longer race under much harder conditions. These are often people who judge themselves harshly, and to struggle with relationships out of a crushing sense of not being enough.

Because they fail to accept themselves.

I’m going through a pretty difficult phase of growth right now. It’s forced me to go really deep, and lose a lot of sleep meditating and writing, trying to communicate with a very lost, angry and somewhat petulant child who still inhabits a small corner of my soul. I’ve carried a lot of shame and self judgment over the fact that that part of me hasn’t “properly matured”.

When in truth, that part of me is a response to some things that happened, and some things that didn’t happen that probably should have, a very long time ago.

It’s something that I find hard to talk about outside of the relationship I have with my wife, just because it’s so difficult for me to accept. For anyone else, I would tell them that the very fact that they are where they are in their life, and they are in a place to be able to focus on this is incredible given the background.

So I’m working on trying to accept that petulant child, and to embrace him and offered him the love and the understanding that he didn’t get when he needed it. It’s a hard thing to do because it involves walking that fine line of accepting what happened and trying not to get caught up in judgment of all that transpired.

Recognizing that everybody involved was doing their best, and that sometimes life just hands you a bad circumstance helps, but in the end I’m left with me, myself, and some responses in reflexes that are buried very deep in my soul.

So every day I try to accept that part of me, and I try to make peace with the circumstances that have arisen as a result of all that I have experienced.

It’s not easy, but I find that the more that I’m able to just be kind towards myself, and accept that part of me without judgment, I find myself feeling lighter, and having increased measure of courage that is necessary to take the next steps to be where I want to be.

Accepting yourself is the ultimate act of self-love, and it allows you to lay down so many burdens.

But it is not easy, and I am trying.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #634: Chasing the Sadness

If you’ve ever worked with me in person, be it in a group setting or one on one, then you’ll know that I am very focused on the art of reading ourselves through our emotions. I truly believe that our reactions, especially those that are so deeply rooted that we don’t question them, are the key to understanding both our traumas and our truths.

They are also the key to progressing on our pathway to finding peace.

I recently realized a change that I need to make in my life. Not that I wasn’t aware of the need to make the change, but as often happens, we don’t see ourselves as clearly as we see others. As I meditated and contemplated this change, I sat quietly, trying to make sense of the complex morass of emotions I was feeling around it.

Like I said, this isn’t a change I've been unaware of, and it’s not so much of a complete change of direction, more of a course correction. Usually when I think about it, it’s just an overwhelming mess, but this time I was able to isolate a particular emotion sitting at the core of how I was feeling.

And I realized that it was a deep sense of sadness.

Obviously, I didn’t stop there though, because I also truly believe that answers are merely pit stops, and that what directs our journeys are better and deeper questions. So as soon as I had identified the sense of sadness, I began to probe deeper, to try to understand why this change provokes sadness in me, when other people see it as something joyful, and embrace it.

All the while, trying to question myself without allowing a sense of judgment to cloud my vision.

Because this is honestly something that has been a negative in my life for a very long time now. I try not to think of it as a failing (avoiding judgment so that I can see clearly), but rather as just a part of how my consciousness is currently expressing itself. It’s a hard thing to do, especially when there is so much emotion caught up with it.

But whoever said this was going to be easy right?

Anytime I experience sadness, I first allow myself a little space to grieve. Sadness is always a secondary reaction to a perceived loss. Sadness is really the other side of the coin from anger. Both are reactions, just different ways of directing the energy that comes from the pain of losing something. Since I try to avoid anger, sadness is often my default.

So it became necessary for me to understand what I felt I could be losing by making this change.

Over the course of the next few minutes, as I sat quietly and reflected my feelings against my awareness, I came to the understanding that what I was losing here was a belief that the universe should be a certain way. I’m not expressing that very well, because I know that the universe isn’t the way I wish it was, but that in making this change, I am essentially finally accepting the truth that I have been fighting against.

The ‘loss’ is of my assumed naiveté (because I know what the universe is really like), and my desires for a kinder and more balanced universe. It’s like I am accepting a truth that I wish wasn’t true.

And it’s making me sad.

But if I am to move forward, and find peace, then I have to let go of wishes that the universe would be one way or the other, and accept ‘what is’ with as much peace and calm as I can manage. My definition of peace is the state of fully accepting the universe as it is, and still acting with as much kindness and compassion as I can.

Because in its native state, the universe is devoid of kindness, and I don’t think that’s right.

Yet I face the reality that I need to make a change to how I am expressing my consciousness, and align within the universe in a way that allows me a greater balance of existence. This is probably a change that I should have made many years ago, but what can I say… we are all on our own timelines, and sometimes the most honest thing was can say is simply that something was, or is, or that we hope it can be.

For now, I’m going to sit with the sadness for a little while longer, knowing that change always brings with it complex emotions, otherwise we probably wouldn’t notice it as a change at all.

Wherever and whenever you are reading this, I hope that you are able to spend time today learning to read your own emotions. I can think of nothing greater that will bring you peace than finally understanding and healing your soul, and finding your own way to balance within the universe.

May we all find ourselves there, and find joy in the presence of each other.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 633: The Paddington Principle

As a child growing up in 1970’s England, Paddington Bear was a part of my life. If you’ve never heard of Paddington, he’s a fictional little bear who comes from Darkest Peru, and is found by the Brown family on Paddington railway station in London. They take him home, and his curiosity and overwhelming kindness charm everyone he meets.

Of course, given that he’s a bear, and not a human, he gets into all sorts of calamities as he tries to navigate the world.

With his blue duffel coat, and his red hat, Paddington is instantly recognizable to anyone who knows of him. I had a Paddington pillow case growing up, and probably kept using it until I was well in my teens. My sweet wife actually found one for me this Christmas, and I’ll be honest and tell you that I shed a couple of tears when I opened that present.

Because Paddington stands for something more than just being a bear.

The character was actually based on Jewish refugee children from Europe who were sent to England for safety. The author of the Paddington books, Michael Bond, was moved when he learned of these children who had to leave their families to avoid the horrors of what was happening. In writing the character of Paddington, he combined childlike curiosity with the kindness and wisdom of a much older soul.

Because the real genius behind Paddington is that he looks for the good in people, and in doing so, he helps people find the good in themselves.

Which is (subconsciously) kind of how we raised our two boys. Having grown up with a sense that my issues made me less than, or unworthy, I was determined that my children would not feel that way about themselves. So when I caught my oldest child lying to me when he was 6 or 7, I didn’t tell him that he was a ‘bad’ kid, or go off into some long lecture.

I simply sat him down, and told him that he was much better than that.

I remember reading the story (I have no idea if it’s actually true of not) of a tribe of people who would take people who had committed some kind of an infraction out into a field, and for 2 days people from the village would come out to them and explain to the offender how valued they were, and remind them of all the good things they had done.

So instead of fearing punishment, the offender’ would come to see that what they had done was a violation of their own goodness, and would generally act accordingly in the future.

You’d be surprised how much of the work I do with people involves helping them see the incredible value of themselves when their identity has been lost under a lifetime of judgment and criticism. Through no fault of their own, the difficult situations of life had left them with the idea that they were unlovable, unworthy, and unwanted.

And when a person feels that way, they will act accordingly.

I recently had the opportunity to watch both of the recent Paddington movies. If you haven’t had a chance, please do yourself a huge favor and watch them. Yes they are technically ‘children’s movies’, but the first movie has a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes (a website that reviews movies) and the second one got a 98%. It turns out that people were so upset about the not 100% rating that unkind things were said about the people who gave it less than perfect ratings.

A behavior which I’m pretty confident Paddington himself would not have approved of.

It’s tough being a human being sometimes. We have days where things go wrong, and where it feels like the whole universe is against us. From our own mistakes as well as the mistakes of others, life can make us feel bad about ourselves, and everyone else. It’s in those times that I try to remember a little lost bear from Darkest Peru, who despite being lost and alone, never stopped looking for, and finding, the good in everybody.

Because if we spend enough time looking for the good in others, maybe one day, we can see the truth about the good inside of us.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 632: Why I Think so Many of Us Are Struggling Right Now

If you’ve followed this work for any length of time, you’ll know that I hate January and February. The fun of the holidays is over, and given the fact that I live in the Pacific Northwest, I’m treated to a diet of gray overcast skies, cold damp days and generally weather that makes you want to curl up with a good book, a heavy blanket and a warm drink in your hand.

I tend to live each day of these months trying to remember what blue skies and sunshine feels like.

But it’s not just the physical aspects of the weather, it’s literally the lack of light. As someone who grew up in England, Seasonal Affective Disorder is a real thing in my genetics. I find myself less motivated to do things, and even things that I’ve looked forward to lose some of their excitement. It’s like I come bursting out of the holidays with all of this enjoyment, trying to keep enough inertia to climb up the steep hill that is the following two months.

And this year honestly seems to be worse than most.

I think a lot of us are burned out over the last three years of life. We’ve lived with a greater level of loss, uncertainty, insecurity and contention than I can remember for many a year. As I talk with people every day, they seem to be carrying heavier burdens; struggling for the strength to find joy and happiness in their lives.

But I also get to see those who seem to be doing better.

So being the student of human nature that I am, I try to learn from these people. I don’t claim to have amassed any great knowledge, but what I have seen seems to help a little bit, especially in the cold dark mornings where my brain struggles to see any light in the future. Sometimes this manifests as a desire not to do anything, and sometimes it’s a belief that nothing will ever go right again.

I deal with this every year, so it’s not like I don’t know how the game is played.

But like I said, this year just seems heavier. So I’m trying to keep myself focused on several things. A part of that comes down to a very specific form of mindfulness, where I try to look at this moment right now objectively, rather than how I feel about it. Am I under an immediate threat, do I have options, does the voice in my head that tells me everything is going to fall apart have any validity behind it?

Like I’ve taught many times before, question, question, and then question some more.

But it also helps if I can find some meaning to the situation. True, there are times when the only meaning you can take from a situation is “wow this really sucks”, but often times there’s some kind of a hidden meaning that I can tease out of the experience of life. Which really leads me to my second method of working through the struggles…

If I can find a why, I can tolerate harder things.

As humans, we are meaning creating machines. Somehow difficult times are easier to process and live through if we have some kind of a meaning attached to it. The years of schooling to get my doctorate meant that I could provide for my family. The hours of writing this work are so that I might help you to live a happier life.

So trying to find a meaning even the middle of struggle helps make it easier.

I’ve realized this year that I can find meaning in my struggles if I share them with you. I don’t claim that my life is any better or any worse, or more difficult or any more enlightened, than anybody else’s. But what I have found is that in sharing both the understandings that I’ve reached and the experiences that have shaped me, I’m able to find both a sense of meaning, and also a sense of community.

Your likes and your comments mean more to me than I can tell you.

So my hope today, as we struggle through the rain, the cold, the fog, the overcast skies and the general lack of light, is that we can all find our way back to that spring sunshine having had “a good winter”. Maybe because we hibernated with our family; maybe because we reached out and made friends.

Or maybe, just maybe, because we paid attention to how we felt, and were kind to ourselves.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 631: The Difficult Currency of Kindness

I often use kindness as a measure of how I’m doing. Honestly, it’s the easiest way to see where I’m really at. The easier I find kindness for someone tells me how focused I am on myself versus how I feel about them. Yet to be honest, it’s never that simple of a balance, no matter how I try to convince myself that it should be.

Because sometimes kindness gets mixed up with judgment, and meaning.

There are people in my life for whom kindness is never difficult to find. These are people who are either special to me, or who have been kind to me, or who have been through some incredible trial that I’m not sure I could’ve handled. Sometimes it’s just somebody who I admire because I feel like they are so much further along in their journey.

Sadly, that last paragraph is kind of an indictment of where I’m at.

Because kindness shouldn’t be something that we “give” based on actions, station or relationship. If it’s truly going to be kindness that we practice, then kindness has to be our intention regardless of the person we are being kind to. The person who cut you off on the freeway is just as valuable of a human as the person who let you cut in when you were in the wrong lane.

If my kindness requires judgment, I really should be asking myself if it’s kindness at all.

And to be honest, sometimes the amount of kindness I can muster is a direct reflection of how I feel things are going in my life. I realize that we are all human, and that most of us struggle at some time to find kindness, but realistically if I’m having a great day, if things are going well and if I’m feeling safe, stable and secure, then kindness is a lot easier to find when compared to days when things are going badly.

Kindness, it seems, is a much more difficult currency than I was expecting.

Yet kindness is something we should all practice. At its core, kindnesses is an emotion that moves us away from the focus on ourselves, and by its very nature commends to our subconscious that we are okay. Because truly, it is hard to feel kindness for somebody else if your emotional needs are so unmet that you can’t help but focus on yourself.

So the amount of kindness I can muster is truly a way of understanding that I’m doing okay, and of telling my subconscious that it’s safe to care about others.

Please don’t misunderstand, there are people for whom kindness is very difficult. Far be it for me to judge someone else’s life, someone else’s emotions. I once knew somebody who was so lonely in their soul that all the kindness that they performed was either to feel connection with someone, or to feel like they were being “a good person” so that they might feel that they were meeting the demands of their faith.

The kindness that you are doing out of obligation is not truly kindness, but the fulfillment of a sense of duty. The kindness that you perform in order to “improve a connection” is not truly kindness, but at its core is a selfish desire and an attempt at manipulation.

True kindness should be a gift that is given without any expectation of reward or gratitude.

As a young man, my kindness was reserved for those who could help me, or those who fit my sense of what was right. As the years of seasoned me, I have come to realize that true kindness is about me recognizing the divinity of someone’s inherent worth, and doing what I can to improve their experience of existence.

Because no matter who you are, you are worthy of kindness, no matter what you have done.

And in saying that, I mean you specifically. Not just the generic ‘you’ meaning everyone who is reading this, but you as an individual. No matter where you’re at in your life, no matter how lost, or alone, or guilty that you might feel, you being deserving of my kindness is a reflection of your humanity and your value.

Once you come to understand that, then you’ll start to see how everyone else is worthy of it as well. Because as long as you judge someone else’s right to receive kindness, based on your judgment, you’re going to apply that very same judgment to yourself, and you’ll find yourself treating yourself unkindly as well.

We are all on our own journey, and although someone’s journey may seem easier than yours, or more difficult than yours, or their behavior may seem “better” or “worse” than yours, the ultimate difficulty in spending the currency of kindness lies in remembering that each soul, each consciousness, has a value above and beyond that which is determined by their actions.

Once you understand that, you’ll see and treat them, and yourself, very differently.

And you will find peace.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 630: The Search for Your Actual Self

If you’re of a certain age, you probably remember a lot of cartoons as a kid where people would hunt for the treasure buried by pirates. There was always a map, with a big X marking the spot. Half of the time the X was actually in the wrong place, and the other half of the time there were dragons or crocodiles or some crazy thing guarding the way.

I guess I watched a lot of cartoons as a kid.

The funny thing is everybody wants the treasure. Not because they want to sit around counting their money, unless they’ve got a serious case of Scrooge McDuck-itis, but because they think that money will bring them happiness. Yet there are countless numbers of people who have “struck it rich” only to find that money didn’t change their underlying problems.

It turns out when you take away all the other challenges, that hole in your soul, that vacuum, just gets louder.

Because the real treasure in life is figuring out who you are. Sure, you’re an evolving consciousness, and who you are now is probably not who you were 20 years ago. But that’s okay, that’s how we’re supposed to be. But the problem is no one actually teaches you how to find who you’re supposed to be. We put kids in school for hours a day, weeks of the year, and we teach them everything but what’s really important.

How to find themselves, and live with that truth.

The really sad part is that there’s a whole industry of people telling you who you are. From preachers to marketers, CEOs to conmen, and all the influencers in between. There’s never been a time when there has been more people trying to make their money selling you “your authentic self”. They tell you what car to drive, what clothes to wear, what food to eat and what alcohol to drink.

Every single one of them, whether they know or not, is selling you a lie.

Because honestly the truth of who you are is up to you to discover. It’s a powerful but painful journey through the silent desert of your own soul. The entry fee isn’t measured in currency, but in your willingness to spend the time and the attention necessary. It also requires an incredible amount of self honesty, because you’ll find out things about yourself that are not pleasing

We all want to be the hero of our own story, but very few of us are willing to stand up and admit that we can be the villain as well.

The deeper you go into the journey, the more you find out about yourself. There’ll be days when it’s hard to look in the mirror, and days when you feel like you’re walking on air. The more you understand of yourself, the more everybody else begins to resonate. Yet at some point along the journey, there’s one single choice that you have to make before you go any further.

You have to sacrifice judgment of yourself, and then everybody else.

Because the grace you learn to extend to yourself for the multitude of screw ups that you’ve been responsible for is the same grace that you’ll end up giving to everybody else when you realize they’re just as human as you are. None of us are perfect; all of us are subject to the reality of being a mind trapped in a body, or a soul trapped in a sack.

Once you cross that threshold, you’ll finally begin to discover who you are.

Because it requires a great deal of time to figure yourself out. There are those of us out here trying to help, but in the end we can’t do the work for you. I can no more tell you who you are than you can tell me who I am. Both of us have to sit down, stop the world from spinning for a moment and do the hard work of listening to the quiet whispers of our souls, and figuring out what that all means.

It’s not easy, it certainly isn’t fun, but it’s the only way I know to really stop the hurting.

Because there are the moments when you find yourself, and you begin to resonate within. It’s like when an orchestra is tuning up, and 100 discordant sounds suddenly blend into one perfect tone. When you learn to listen to the music inside of your soul and you figure out how to get into resonance with yourself, then you can start to pick apart the puzzle of who you really are, and the more you know that, the more you’ll find peace.

Because once you become self resonant, you can exist in a world free of the need for anybody else.

Please don’t misunderstand me, that doesn’t mean you don’t have people in your life. It means you can have as many as you want, but they are there because you enjoy them, not because you can’t face yourself without them.

The journey to the center of your soul begins with the decision. The realization that you have to do this work because it’s the only way that you’re going to truly experience the joy and the thrill of being human. That realization is followed by the choice, the decision that will change everything going forwards.

When you decide to find out who you really are, is when you begin to take responsibility for your place in the universe.

And that’s really where the fun begins.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 629: Peeling the Onion

There’s this moment in Shrek movie where Donkey is driving Shrek nuts. Well, okay, there’s a number of those actually, but in this particular one Shrek is trying to explain to Donkey that ogres are not just unthinking beasts, but they can actually be sensitive, and that they have layers. Given that he is the comic relief, Donkey of course completely misunderstands this.

Problem is, so do we. Just not about ogres.

Because there’s something else that has a lot of layers, and it’s very easy to misunderstand, especially when dealing with yourself. But often we look at others who have been through difficult times and we think that by now they should have healed, as if another rotation around the sun magically grants them some kind of emotional clarity that has previously been missing.

Trauma, it seems, has a lot of layers.

I am at an interesting phase in my life, where it seems that I am peeling yet another layer of my emotional onion. It’s funny how when you peel an onion in real life it makes you cry, and when you peel another layer of trauma away, it can do the very same thing. I think what makes it hardest is not that it’s happening, but that I thought that I had healed this particular problem.

Newsflash, I can be just as blind about myself as anyone.

Yet having done a lot of work on myself, I find that stripping off this next layer, as unexpected as it was, is in some strange way a good thing. Not that it doesn’t suck, because let me tell you, it really sucks. Coming face-to-face with some of the truths that your subconscious has kept hidden from you because you couldn’t handle it at the time is never a fun experience.

I sometimes wonder if our subconscious knows just how much we can handle, and only allows us to see the few things at a time. I’m guessing that’s where the layers come in.

Or it could just be that I’ve never had the courage to look until now. Or maybe the circumstances weren’t right, or maybe whatever, however, whomever, whenever, etc. There’s nothing like over-thinking the problem to try and avoid it. In the past I would probably have tried to figure out all the permutations of life that got me here, mainly as a way to prevent myself from actually feeling.

So I’m trying not to do that.

Since we’re friends, I’ll admit to you that I’m frustrated to be peeling another layer. I honestly thought that this was something that I had healed, dealt with, and didn’t have to face again. You can imagine my surprise and annoyance when it comes back around all of a sudden, raising its head and demanding to be paid attention to.

But the truth is if I don’t look at it… if I don’t face it… I can’t deal with it.

Of course the timing is imperfect, but when is it ever? The longer I live, the more I realize that the universe keeps giving us the same problems over, and over, and over again until we figure out what we’re doing wrong. I don’t necessarily think that’s any grand design, just the nature of time and reality. It’s like the person who never fixes their oil leak, and keeps complaining when the light comes on to tell them that there’s a problem.

It is really frustrating though, when you think that you solved the problem, and it turns out all you done was put a Band-Aid over what was left.

If anyone ever tells you that the journey through self-awareness is easy, you know they haven’t gone deep enough. If anyone ever tells you that they’re done, they probably have a few layers they are not aware of yet.

The truth is, we’re all on the same journey. We all started at different places, and we’re all on our own path, but it’s essentially the same. We live, we laugh, we learn, we love, and if we’re lucky, we get to constantly refine ourselves against the rigors of reality. Grinding, smoothing and eventually polishing ourselves into someone who can transcend the day-to-day suffering, and who sees the long game and knows how to play it.

Whether you're healing from the loss of a layer, or are currently in the process of peeling another one, please know that I am very grateful for your presence in the universe. The fact that you are reading this work means that you are part of my journey, and I’m so thankful that you are here.

Sharing with you gives me a deeper sense of meaning for my own journey, and I think that makes it easier to bear.

Thank you for being here, and may your day bring you joy and peace.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 628: What I Want To Give You This Year

.As I sit here in my home office on January 1, 2023 I find myself worrying about you. I’ve lived long enough to know that this universe can be an incredible, amazing and wonderful place, full of joy, laughter and magic. But I also know that there are times when it is tough to be human, and it feels like we are surrounded by troubles, trials and problems.

And I really worry about how you’re doing.

Because it’s so easy for us to project a great image to the world. Social media is full of this; carefully curated content that never reveals the sadness and struggles of the people who profess that they are having such wonderful lives. I think sometimes we hold back our truth out of some strange belief that we have to be perfect in order to have value.

I want you to know that this is a place where you don’t have to be that way.

But I also want this to be a place where you come for inspiration, comfort and understanding. I’ve lived long enough to know that the greatest gifts in this world don’t have a monetary value, because they are things that can’t be purchased or procured. My hope is that I’m able to give you something of value every time I post, and that something I say makes every day of yours just that little “or a lot” better.

My goal for this work is that you come to a place of peace within yourself.

If I go back over the last 35 years that I’ve been on this “journey” there have been so many different stages. Anger, frustration, self-pity, rage, sadness. I’m very familiar with all of those. As I’ve done the work, and I’ve reached something that looks like a better place, I’ve come to understand who I am, and more importantly to realize a sense of gratitude for myself.

And that is something you can’t purchase, but I wish everybody could receive.

Years ago if you had come up to me and in some way said something to deliberately make me feel bad, my first reaction would have been sadness, followed by anger. You would have had control over how I felt simply by the way you treated me. I would’ve been your marionette, just the slightest movement of language was all it took to make me dance.

Honestly now, if someone treats me that way, the only control they have over me is to push me into a place of caring about them more. Because I’ve come to understand that people who really have a sense of peace about themselves don’t treat others that way. In fact, we pretty much go out of our way to try and avoid that kind of behavior.

Because we know how it feels, and we don’t desire that for you.

So when I see somebody acting in a way to hurt somebody else, and I can tell that they’re doing it deliberately, but I mostly see is somebody who is hurting, and who in their own way is crying out for attention. Often they’re seeking a sense of significance by feeling better than somebody else, or maybe they just desperate for some kind of human connection even if it’s negative and based in trouble.

Truly peaceful people try to solve problems, not create them.

And when it comes right down to it, that’s what I want for you. I have this crazy dream of changing the world by helping enough people find peace within themselves. Because the more peace will become as a society, the more the people who aren’t peaceful stand out, and we can see their pain and help them.

I realize that there will always be those who are truly beyond help, but if we can raise the standard of kindness in our society, we will find those who are beyond their help will have less people to hurt.

If there is a pathway to peace in this world, I truly, madly and deeply believe that the stones on that pathway are knowledge, healing and a profound desire to serve. It starts by coming to understand ourselves, so that we might truly understand what it is that we have to heal. When we recognize it, we can do the work of stopping our emotional bleeding, binding up our souls, and exchanging peace for pain, happiness for hurt, and a sublime sense of satisfaction for sadness.

I want you to become the most peaceful version of yourself.

Peace does not always mean that you’re happy, but it means that we have enough emotional foundation to see ourselves through the tough times, and to rejoice and enjoy the good. Peace is knowing when to walk away, and having emotional courage to treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated. Peace is recognizing pain in others, and desiring to reach out and heal.

May we together make a world where peace is our birthright, compassion our watchword, and kindness the trademark of our souls.

This is my wish and my desire for you.

This is why do what I do.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 627: Before You Go Changing Everything

I get it. The end of the year is approaching, and a new one starts on Sunday. It seems like a great time to make all these commitments, and resolve to become “a better you”, or to “spend less and save more”.

Maybe your changes have to do with less calories in, more exercise out. You might even be thinking about how to spend your time “more appropriately”, with less scrolling and more thinking.

Do you know what the statistics are on people keeping their New Year’s resolutions?

Honestly, it’s not great. As someone who has set and broken resolutions over the years, I’ve tried to come to an understanding of why that happens. When I finally figured out, it was one of those thunderbolt moments that hit me square between the eyes. My theory on why most New Year’s resolutions fail come down to this one simple truth…

People want to change something because they feel like they are not enough as they are.

And when it comes right down to it, any action you take in an attempt to feel “worthy” is always going to fail because you’re reinforcing the fact that you think you’re not enough. Two people can be performing the same action, but the person who is doing it out of a desperate sense of unworthiness is never going to have the same emotional strength is the person who’s doing it because they believe they deserve the outcome.

It’s one of those strange Zen principles that the more you can let go of your need to change something, or to “become something” the easier it becomes to do it.

Because we get caught up in this idea that something we are doing is “so hard”. The person who thinks that avoiding high calorie low nutrition foods for the next month is going to be “really difficult” has already talked themselves into a corner that they’re going to have to work hard to get out of. The person who realizes that they are enough, but they want to experience life at a different level, won’t feel like changing their diet is a sacrifice, it’s just a part of taking care of themselves.

Because it’s about how they view themselves, not how they want the rest of the world to view them.

Please understand, I’ve got nothing against making resolutions. I think it’s a great thing if, and only if, it’s actually rooted in the fundamental reality that you are enough, and that you want to experience life differently. Because at that point it’s not about some great problem that you’re trying to solve, it’s about an experience or even in existence that you’re going after.

If you’re running from not feeling like you’re enough, you’re going to get tired and stop. If you’re chasing something more because you feel like you deserve it, you’ll keep going until you get what you want.

And I get it sounds like this is a real semantics discussion, but it’s really not. The harder you grasp onto something, the more intense it seems, and the greater emotional energy is required to maintain that. When you can get to a point where you honestly realize that you’re going to be okay whether or not you “achieve your resolution” is the moment that the resolution becomes lighter and easier to accomplish.

When you want it, but don’t need it, is where desire trumps desperation, and your real power begins.

I know there’s at least one person reading this right now is saying to themselves “but what if I don’t feel worthy, and getting/doing/being/achieving whatever is the only way I’m going to feel worthy” I will tell you that even when you get there, it’s not going to change how you feel.

Your worthiness is NOT based on how you look, how you act, the size of house you live in or the money you spent on the car that you drive.

You are a human consciousness. One of the rarest, most complex and most divine entities in the entire known universe. If you need more adornment than that, something else to make you worthy, then what you actually need is to sit down and have a good conversation with yourself. Because you’re holding onto some rules about reality that are set up to make you fail.

You were enough the moment you were born.

So this weekend, as the calendar rolls over and 2022 becomes what was, just realize that 2023 doesn’t have to be some miraculous year of change. You’re already enough, this is just about fine-tuning your experience of being human. When you can fully realize that you don’t have to make “massive changes”, you can begin to realize that everything you want to change is realistically just a small step in a different direction.

It isn’t necessary to make you enough, it’s just going to change how you experience being you.

So stop running from desperation, and start embracing desire. It’ll give you a lot more energy, and it’ll make the journey a lot more fun. Whatever changes you are planning on making, make sure they are about honoring who you are, not some messed up idea about who you’re not.

Because honoring yourself is the pathway to a powerful experience.

The experience of being you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 626: The Year of Failing Mightily

I have a prediction for the coming year. It’s funny how around this time people start looking at resolutions and promise certain behaviors, but I prefer to deal more in predictions. Especially those that I can be pretty sure I’m going to meet. And in this case, I know that this year there is one target I am very confident I am going to achieve.

I am going to royally screw some things up.

Which is honestly perfectly ok, and really freeing. A few years ago I decided to rent a cello to see if I really did want to play it, or if it just looked really cool but was not worth the amount of work I was going to have to put into it. Turns out that it was definitely the latter, and I sent that bad boy back within a couple of months, and it was made much easier by giving myself permission to turn it back in the moment I rented it.

It turns out that the freedom to fail is the greatest freedom of all.

In the entrepreneur world, there’s a saying that goes something like this. “What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?” Yet in reality that’s kind of dumb because unless something is so simple that success is a guarantee, there’s rarely a situation where you can’t fail, and anything you “guaranteed can’t fail” probably doesn’t have the power to change your life.

My goal for this coming year is about changing.

But for somebody like me, who is very high in need certainty, change can be really frightening, and I don’t really consider myself someone who’s very brave. Sure I have done some things in my life that looked courageous, like moving to an entirely different country or jumping out of a plane at 13,000 feet, but the truth is there have been so many things in my life that I have done while scared senseless.

So giving myself permission to fail is kind of a new sensation for me.

Some of the failures that I anticipate that could happen might be somewhat expensive. A couple of them might be fairly embarrassing. Yet I’ve come to the understanding that unless I am willing to risk failure, I’m never going to risk being successful.

And that the greatest risk of all is playing everything safe.

I’ve always been impressed by people who I thought were courageous, and who had the ability to take what looked to me to be significant risks. I never considered myself one of those people, and it was a stunning realization to come to the understanding that I am no different to them, other than they had come to a decision that I hadn’t reached yet.

Failure meant different things to them, and their greatest risk would have been doing nothing.

So this for me becomes a year of doing things differently, and taking the risks that I think will get me I want to be. But it’s also knowing that there are going to be some epic, epic failures along the way, and that I can learn from them and become different to who I am right now.

And knowing that I’ll be okay no matter what.

Because in the end, the person whose opinion I have to fear most of all is just my own. I know who I am; I know where I’ve come from. I know the things I faced, and the things I’ve run from. I’ve seen myself in the middle of some of my greatest victories, and I’ve seen myself in some moments where I was too scared to try.

Neither of those really matter.

What matters is that I can live with myself today, knowing that I’m doing the things that I want to do, or the things that I believe I should do. The more comfortable I am with risk, the more certain the possibility of success. Nothing is an absolute, nothing is guaranteed, except the guarantee of failure if I try nothing at all.

And that’s the one failure I can’t live with.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 625: All That You Will Not Question

When I was younger, all I wanted was certainties and absolutes. I think it’s easier that way, living in a universe where the boundaries are known, the future is expected, and there’s no pesky realities to get in the way. Nuance wasn’t necessary, ambiguity was an anathema. I held onto everything I knew as tightly as I possibly could, and listened to nobody when it came to a difference of opinion.

But that kind of living will only get you so far, because eventually, if you’re reasonable and you are trying to make sense of everything, you will come to understand that the universe doesn’t care about your opinion, and she doesn’t give up her secrets willingly, if at all.

The longer you live, the more you start to realize that some questions will never be answered, and the quality of your life is determined not by the answers you receive, but by the questions that move you forwards.

A couple of weeks ago I was very blessed to be present on a videoconference run by a friend of mine. Her workshop was called “Shifting Journeys”, and in her unique and brilliant way, she guided those of us who were present through a process of identification, understanding and most importantly questioning.

I was very gratified when she questioned, and kindly disassembled, and answer I had given her.

Because she helped me see something that I hadn’t seen in myself.

I heard a saying many years ago that is really stuck with me throughout all of this work. It’s that “You Cannot See the Label on Your Own Jar”. No matter how much you know about yourself, there will always be things that you just can’t see because you’re a part of the equation, you’re too close to the problem.

Which is why I’m incredibly grateful for a friend like Sarah Brabbs.

Because in the midst of all of my writing and teaching, it’s still so easy not to see the truth of myself. The longer I am engaged on my journey, the deeper my questions have become. But every so often I’ll still find a whole avenue of possibility that I have skipped over in my mind because if felt “so normal and natural and a part of me” that I had not stopped to question whether or not it was really true.

Those are the moments when you may come to see yourself very differently.

But you can’t be afraid of that, even though I’ll be honest and tell you it can hurt sometimes. The pathway to inner peace isn’t the yellow brick road full of gold and clearly marked pathways. It’s a broken cobblestone path, poorly marked and even more poorly lit. You’ll fall, you’ll stub your toe, you’ll struggle with a desire to turn and run back the other way, retreating for safety in the past rather than facing fear in the future.

But the only way is forwards.

I found another part of the pathway last Thursday night as I wrestled with the reflection that finally went up on Friday morning. As I often do when I am stuck writing, I’ll turn to my wonderful wife and have her ask me questions. One question she asked last Thursday evening led to me speaking a truth that I had never fully understood until that moment, and it sent me on a whole new part of my journey.

One that if found to be true significantly changes everything I thought about my history.

And to be honest, it was pretty uncomfortable to realize that. As I drove down to my office in the cold dark morning on Friday to see the patient needed my help, my mind struggled with the possibility of having to reinterpret so much of what I “knew to be true”. If I’m being truly honest, it also means that I will have spent a good portion of my life subconsciously feeling like a victim that I may not have been.

My friends the journey is never over, but it is never not worthwhile.

Because even just questioning what a have been since last Thursday is a valuable process. It’s helping me see things in a different way, and opening my mind to possibilities that are as powerful as they are precarious.

And I am reminded that this journey that we call life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.

The quality of your experience will depend on the quality of your questions, and your unwavering determination and dedication to finding as much truth as you possibly can.

May your journey be accompanied by better questions, and may you find peace today and always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 624: The Gift That Only You Can Give

I’ve been asking patients all week if they are ready for Christmas. Sadly, most of them are. I say sadly because I’m not one of those people who is organized for Christmas. Despite the fact that I know it’s going to show up at the same time every year, I always get caught up in over-thinking what to buy my wife.

I’m always trying to find that “perfect” present for her.

Yet in truth, she just grateful to get anything. There have been times when I have hit a home run with a present, and times when I have honestly struck out pretty pathetically. Yet the funny thing is her response is always the same. She is just grateful that I tried to put some thought into getting her something.

And it’s funny that some of the “best gifts’ that I’ve come up with have actually been purchased not out of design, but out of desperation.

One Christmas I bought her a laminator from Costco. She was heavily into scrapbooking at the time and it looked like a really thoughtful gift. Honestly, it was two days before Christmas, I was desperately trying to find something that she would like. It’s the same with the bidet that is attached to the toilet in her bathroom. Seems like a really thoughtful gift, honestly my version of a Hail Mary.

Maybe that’s why I procrastinate each year, and end up panicking a couple of days before Christmas. It seems I do my best work when I’m under a lot of stress.

But what I’m really struggling with this year is the knowledge that I can’t give you what I really want you to have. I’ve been sitting in my office now on the evening of Thursday the 22nd for about three hours, trying to find the right words for this reflection, and I realized all of a sudden that it just can’t be done.

Because the gift that I want you to have is a gift you can only give yourself.

I can tell you a million times how wonderful I think you are. I can write paragraphs on why I believe in the divinity of human consciousness, and how that spark of life in each one of us is probably the rarest thing in the universe. I can tell you all of the amazing things that you do, and how the goodness inside of you is so inspiring.

But if you don’t believe it, it doesn’t matter what I tell you.

I don’t claim to be perfect at this, far from it, but over the last few months as I’ve done some really deep work on my soul, I’ve come to find a new level of acceptance for myself. I had a situation recently where I made a mistake on something, and rather than spiral down into the pit of constant self derision, I was able to realize that the mistake I made was just a symptom of being human, and that it didn’t change the value of my soul.

How I wish I could help you feel that way about yourself.

Because I’m guessing that you struggle sometimes to give yourself the space to be human. I’m pretty certain that at some point you’ve questioned the worth of your soul and the value of your presence in the world based on something that you thought, said or did that you felt was incompatible with being a “good person”.

I’m fairly confident that you have times were you give grace to everybody else, and yet withhold it from yourself.

We seem to have this messed up idea that only perfection is acceptable, and that anything less makes us broken. I’ve talked to people who’ve come from terrible situations, and who have overcome so many challenges, and yet the biggest challenges they face is hugging their own soul in true and complete acceptance.

And as much as I’d like to help you feel that way, the truth is that the only way to receive that gift is to give it to yourself.

So this Christmas season I’m asking you to give one more gift. Whether you are someone who knows exactly what to get and is done by September, or whether you like me are one of those people who desperately struggle for inspiration on December 24, I’d like you to place one gift under the tree, for the person who you probably neglect most in your life.

And be ready to receive it when you open it.

It doesn’t have to be total acceptance of everything. It doesn’t even have to be forgiveness for some “mistake” that is probably much greater in your mind that it is anybody else’s. All I want you to do this for one minute to just wrap yourself up in your own arms, giving yourself a big hug, and tell yourself that you are enough.

And believe it.

Of all the gifts you give, none will make those who love you happier than seeing you be happy with yourself.

May you find peace and joy this Christmas season, and may you give yourself the gift of grace and understanding.

Because you are worth it. You really, really are.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 623: A Good Long Look in the Mirror

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Since we’re friends, I’ll be honest and tell you what goes through my head every morning. There’s this guy standing there… and he looks older than I think he should. He’s tired and the wrinkles and gray hairs are starting to show. He’s heavier than he has been, but still a lot lighter than he once was.

And yet I really don’t know if he’s who I thought I would be.

But that’s just the surface… and you know me well enough to know that I’m never going to stop there. So inside those eyes, deep back where the light barely reaches, there’s a reflection that reveals so many things. Fear and ambition, kindness and frustration. A touch (or more) of madness, and the beginnings of something that could possibly be wisdom.

But that’s just in the moment… while time within our minds can go forward, and go back.

So when the light bounces off the silver that’s just behind the glass, I can see so many things from the past. Successes and failures, lost loves and moments that passed into eternity. Memories of things as they were, and desires of how I wish they could have been. When I see that man, I see all that he wishes he could have done, and I see the alchemical fluid of regret run through his veins.

Altering the way he feels about himself in the now.

Yet I also see futures in that moment of reflection, and the inimitable realms of possibility and potential. Sometimes I wonder if all that I see there is just a reflection of my ego, and the desperate desires of a soul that sometimes feels as though he has seen too much, and that the only way any of this can make any sense is if he becomes the person he is trying to find in the mirror.

For he feels like a better ending is the only outcome that will make the story of his life make sense.

But most of all when I look into the mirror, I see a thousand beliefs of self, and how the story of my life should be. I see and feel the desire for certainty and kindness in a universe that deals in neither, and I sometime fear the touch of madness that seems to be the reflection of the possible genius lurking somewhere deep within.

Always there is judgment, and none of that is certain.

For as long as I seek to quantify what I see, and try to make sense of the experiences that I remember, I am stuck in a paradigm of judgment rather than gratitude. Instead of being grateful to the man of the past for all that he has done to make my life of this moment possible, I seek to quantify his passage behind the concepts of right and wrong, good and evil.

Judgment involves time, while gratitude is rooted firmly in the now.

I try to focus on the feelings I have for that man, and seek to question the motivations and meanings inherent in the emotions that my mirror self raises. For every belief about him, there is a story that requires interpretation, and I have long since learned that the statements I hold true about him should always be open to question, especially the ones I have held onto the longest.

For what we believe and feel about ourselves is more often than not a response to the traumas of life, rather than an understanding of who we really are.

But most of all, as I stand there looking at him, I try to find a space in my soul for him to exist without my judgment and my expectations. I have came to realize that the greater space I can hold for me to be myself, the greater the space I can hold for you to be yourself, and the better I can help you find a way to your own truth.

Because you have a self in the mirror, and I’m guessing you think about them too.

If I were to sum up the point of this work, and try to distill all of these writings into one statement, it would probably be this… That I seek to help those with whom I connect to find a pathway to their own selves, so that they may accept themselves, and reduce both the suffering they experience, and the suffering that they may cause.

The universe seems to have enough suffering built in for a lifetime.

And my mission is to decrease it in any way I can.

Who do you see when you take a good long look in the mirror?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 622: Honoring Now

This weekend, to celebrate my wife Holly’s birthday last week, we headed up to our get away in the mountains.

About two and a half hours away is a small city situated next to a lake, surrounded by opportunities for skiing and forests of pine trees. We try to get away here as often as is practical, renting the same room in the same hotel, and just spending time together away from the world.

But our plans for a quiet weekend took a rather different turn.

We hadn’t been in the hotel room for more than about an hour, when I began yawning deeply, and struggling to stay awake. Holly suggested that I take a nap, and so I grabbed my pillows and a blanket, and crashed out on the floor in front of the gas fireplace. The sound of the fan on the fireplace is a perfect white noise for me, and I slept deeply, waking a few hours later.

But as sometimes happens, my mind never quite woke back up.

We spent a quiet evening together reading and talking, and when the time came for bed, I found it hard to fall asleep, which is funny because I never really felt like I had properly woken up since the nap. Eventually, somewhere around 1am, I finally managed to fall asleep, only to awaken about 4 hours later with a fairly nasty migraine. My head was throbbing, my neck was burning, I felt nauseous, and I knew that the rest of my day was probably trashed.

So I headed back over to the fireplace, where I spent the next 5 hours trying to sleep.

Eventually it came time for us to check out. I’d taken some medication a short time before, and thankfully I was able to ride in our truck without throwing up, but the journey home wasn’t the drive I had been hoping for. We took the canyon route home, and driving beside a river and pine trees covered in snow is usually a beautiful sight, but this time all I wanted to do was get home and sleep some more.

And even now, sitting in my office at home on a Sunday afternoon, I feel tired, weak, and ready to crash.

Yet as I look back over the last few months, I can see that I have been ‘courting’ this migraine for a while now. I've been sleeping less than I usually do, drinking less water than I know is good for me, and honestly taking less time to do the things that I know helpful, like rest, meditation and being careful about my nutrition. I've also been less frequent about taking the right supplements that can help prevent or reduce the severity of migraines like this.

But I also realize that’s only part of the story.

Because if I’m truly honest with myself (and therefore with you), I have to admit that I've been running in a stress loop for a while now. There are several things clamoring for my attention, and I've been guilty of trying to follow all of them. I’m trying to find my way forward from where I am, to where I want to be, and it’s easy to get caught up in chasing the future.

And not remember to honor where I am right now.

I think we’ve all been through such a strain these last few years that we need to be living with more intent for the now, and getting back to understanding who we are as a people, as a community, as nations and as a world. We have lived, and are living, through moments of history that are unlike anything in the last 50 years, and it’s taking a toll on all of us.

I think most of us would agree that life today is significantly different to where it was 3 years ago.

For me, I see a loss of common community, a decrease in kindness, and a fracture of the basic human decency that has done so much to sustain us in the past. I see people who are exhausted, and who need space to unpack and unwind. I see a desperate need for the simplicity of human goodness, where we reach out to each other out of concern instead of conflict.

I think we’re all tired, and it’s easy to ignore it and keep going until our minds or our bodies break, and we’re forced to rest so that we might heal.

I can see how I have lost a sense of now over the last few months, as I’ve been trying to change the future.

So I guess this reflection really is about reminding both of us that we need to slow down sometimes, and honor the moment that we have in front of us. To take some time for rest, hydration, relaxation and relief. To treat ourselves with the level of kindness we would treat others, and to show our gratitude for all that we do have by letting it be enough for a while.

I guess it’s really about finding a balance between what was, what is, and what could be.

And understanding that in this moment, we are enough.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 621: Just Let Go

Writer’s block is no joke. I’ve been sitting at this computer, either typing on the keyboard or speaking into the microphone, for several hours now. I’ve started and abandoned over five different pieces of work, because I’ve been trying to find the thread of what to write about tonight.

I’ve been doing this work long enough to realize that when I can’t seem to find my way, and when nothing seems to be working the way it should, it’s because I’m supposed to write something that is going to touch someone specifically.

So if that’s you, I really hope this is what you need.

Because as I sat and reread those five pieces that are now just fragments on my desktop, I realized there was one single theme running through all of them. One simple truth that is so easy to say, and yet so freaking hard to do. Not the concept is difficult to understand, but that to actually execute on that understanding requires a surrender not only of ego, but sometimes of dreams.

Because often the thing that is holding you back is the thing that you can’t stop holding onto.

Many years ago, I heard an incredibly wise statement from someone who honestly I didn’t expect it from. That probably sounds like a terrible judgment, but this wasn’t somebody who was particularly eloquent of speech, nor expressive in his manner. Yet he said something that really struck me, and that stayed with me for a really long time now.

“The older I get the less I know, but what I do know I am more sure of”.

As humans we tend to “know” so many things. It’s our way of surviving the chaos that is this universe into which we are born. We believe things should be a certain way; that what we see as good should always triumph; that the “bad” things we’ve done should disqualify us from a certain kind of happiness.

Sometimes we “know” so much that we are imprisoned by walls of our own certainty.

And yet so many of those “truths” that we cling to honestly don’t serve to make us happy. Sometimes we are so full of expectations about how the world should be, and about how our lives should turn out, that we miss the beauty and the wonder of what actually is here and now.

But giving up that “knowledge” is to embrace uncertainty, and the possibility that everything we know could be wrong.

Which is a horrible thing to experience. As someone who is very high in need certainty, I hate living with the possibility that I could be wrong about so many things. Yet the longer I live, the more I am confronted with the understanding that so many things that I “knew” in my former years were actually wrong, and that almost everything that has helped me back, has been a misunderstanding in my own mind.

And learning to let go and embrace uncertainty is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

Because I’m one of those people who tends to hold onto things way too long. Maybe it was the “truth” that I couldn’t be successful. Another one was the concept that I didn’t have anything to say that could be of value to others. If we go way back, one of those difficult little things that I held for far too long was the understanding that I didn’t deserve to be happy because there was something inherently wrong with me.

The day that I realized that everything holding me back was not in the world, but only inside my head, was both an incredible gift of realization and a terrible moment of truth.

If I’m honest, I still struggle to let go of many of those beliefs that are so ingrained in me, because it feels like I’m breaking off parts of my soul in my effort to move beyond them. Giving up a “known” for something that is “unknown” brings with it the risk of failure and a feeling like a fool, and it also opens the door for the possibility that I have been wrong about so many things, and that I have been the single solitary jailer in the penitentiary of my soul.

All because I held so tightly to something that wasn’t necessarily so.

Whoever you are out there, I hope this message reaches you. I don’t know what you’re holding onto, and I don’t know what’s holding you back, but I hope you can find it in your heart to maybe spend a few minutes letting go of that “belief” that is making you unhappy, so that you can find a pathway to your own peace and understanding.

The universe is hard enough as it is. Let’s not make it any worse by holding onto things that just hold us back.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection] # 620 Pouring My Soul into Yours

I know where you’ve been. Those darkest nights, when it felt like the world was caving in on you, when every sense of hope had fled, and darkness seemed like the only game in town.

Sometimes the slightest shift in the ground that you stand on can reveal the cracks in the foundation of all that you hold dear, and you find yourself lost in a never ending sea of nightmares and maybes.

Those are the nights that reveal the very depths and damage of our souls.

If you’ve ever had that experience, you know exactly what I’m talking about. My guess is that you’re here in this work because you’ve been there… lost, knowing only that the here and now that is doesn’t serve you anymore, and that you had to find a new way to exist, to live, to be.

It hurts, doesn’t it?

And what seems to cut the deepest is how you begin to feel about yourself. Because rather than understand that you’ve never been taught how to handle this, chances are you probably found an outlet for all that fear, turning it back in on yourself. Distrust, frustration, loathing and anger. All directed back on yourself because at least feeling something that you could handle was better than feeling something that felt so completely out of control.

And in doing so, do you began the slow, silent, sequential destruction of your soul.

Maybe you’re on that pathway downwards, maybe you’ve hit the bottom and stayed there, or maybe you’re slowly trying to claw your way back up. Where we are at doesn’t matter, the only thing that matters is the direction you’re going. But when you feel so bad about yourself that nothing feels like it will ever be right anymore, it’s hard to find the energy and the courage to stand and start again.

That’s where I come in.

Because I know what it’s like to be there. To feel alone in a world full of strangers, to feel lost and without direction. To have given up trusting yourself, and to be subject to a thousand screaming voices of shame. Maybe it’s gone on so long that you have no idea who you are anymore, and you’re faced every morning with a stranger in the mirror who couldn’t possibly be you.

But you’re deeply afraid that it is.

Truthfully, you don’t know that person anymore. You’ve been there all of their life, but it feels like it’s been some kind of dark fantasy, some twisted fairytale that’s broken into a million pieces, and you have no idea how it all goes back together. Sometimes the tiny remnants of your soul feels like a shattered mirror that will never be whole again.

And you have no idea where to start.

Which is why I do what I do. When I was lost to myself, I was blessed to find people who could shine a light on my journey. Sometimes just having some random person on the Internet who I had come to trust tell me that they believed in me gave me just enough strength to get through one more day. Sometimes what they said helping me understand where my feet were to follow.

And slowly, step-by-step, I began walking out of the darkness.

The sad part about our society is that we send children to school and teach them all manner of wonders, yet never what to do when nothing makes sense, and when it feels like a very principles that you lived your life by no longer work. We learn how to solve equations, but nobody teaches us how to find ourselves when we’ve lived so long away from the truths that make us who we are.

Which is why I do what I do.

Because let me be completely honest with you. There are very few experiences in the world that match up to that moment where somebody gets it. When something you’ve written, or said or done for them helps them see a pathway out of their own despair, there’s a moment of synchronicity that is beyond word, beyond understanding. It’s the most beautiful thing in the world.

That’s why do what I do, that’s what I’m chasing.

The world in which we teach children how to find the truth of who they are for themselves. The way in which we respect and uplift each other, knowing that the divinity of the human soul is worthy of our respect, our admiration and most importantly, our love.

That’s how I feel about everyone of you.

You’re worth every word I write, every podcast I labor through. You’re worth the nights when I can’t get this right, and I’m awake way longer than I should be. You’re worth every hour sat at this keyboard and this microphone, trying to pour all the love and wisdom I have into your soul, so that you might come to see you as I see you.

And maybe, just maybe, show you the light out of your darkness, and help you find a way home to yourself.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 619: 5 Years

This work began on December 11, 2017. At that time I was a mess… well at least a worse mess than I am now. I was struggling at the end of my first year of being a solo physician in my own practice. I had no idea what I was doing, only that my soul felt like I was on the wrong path. Nothing was easy, and it felt like everything I did was a step in the wrong direction.

If you’ve ever been there, I’m truly sorry. It’s a terrible way to feel.

About the only thing I was certain of at the time was that something was missing. I felt like I was living someone else’s life, spending my days in somebody else’s recipe. The problem was I didn’t know what my recipe looked like, just this deep overwhelming sense of being out of alignment with who I really am and what I really feel.

And the knowledge that something had to change.

So I began writing this work. I can’t tell you exactly what instinct made me do that, other than writing is something that has always come fairly easy to me. I had written a few long form pieces on Facebook a couple of years before that, but hadn’t really done anything with them. Yet something intrigued me, so I sat down one day to see what would come out.

In my very first post I talked about being broken, and the Japanese art of Kintsugi, where broken pottery is restored with gold.

I had no idea that I was doing that very process to myself, although at the time I would’ve considered myself broken. The truth was very simple - I wasn’t living my truth, and when you do that long enough, you start to lose connection with your own soul. Eventually that process will grind you down until you’re just a shell, disconnected pieces of a person who could be whole if only someone could help put them back together.

So I started doing the work on myself.

Day after day sitting at a computer, snatching the words out of the chaos of my head, crafting a different reality than the one I had been led into. Coming to understand who I am, what I believe, and how my understanding of the universe is put together. I don’t claim to know everything, and in fact most of the time I think most of what we know is more of a wish than a reality.

But writing this work allowed me to let go of so many things that weren’t serving me.

There’s an incredible power that comes from becoming congruent with how you really feel. Most of all, it gives you the courage to be able to admit that there’s so much that you don’t know. We spend so much of our time grasping for certainties in a universe that promises anything but. The more aligned you are in your soul, the less you need external absolutes.

Because you start to realize that you’re actually enough.

Every piece I’ve written has contained a small portion of my soul. I shared experiences and thoughts, moments and madness. The original goal of this work was to try to help me, and yet the feedback I’ve received has helped me realize that I have a chance to contribute in a way that would have seemed ridiculous so many years ago.

Coming to know myself has been an incredible process.

Don’t get me wrong though, it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Doing this work has required a radical level of self honesty that sometimes I wish I didn’t have. I’ve had to make apologies for the way I behaved, and I’ve also had to extend that level of understanding to others when it would’ve been so much easier to wallow in a sense of offense and injury.

Because when you finally understand why you’re doing something, you can understand why other people are behaving in their own way.

Coming to know yourself is the journey of becoming fully human. Cognizant of your strengths, patient with your weaknesses. Accepting your soul at the foundation level, and choosing your future based on what you really want, not what others want for you. Finding courage and strength that you never knew existed, to step out into the void of your own journey, resolute and relentless.

Because the prize of claiming your own soul is worth everything that it costs you.

Once you own yourself, the noise from others falls away. You come to rely on very few opinions, because you’ve done the work to fully own your own. Always open to new theories, but knowing that the final decision will is, and always will be, yours.

Because doing the work has given you the right to have faith and confidence in yourself.

The journey I began five years ago will last a lifetime. Always awakening each day knowing that there are new things to see, deeper levels to unlock, demons to slay and lessons to learn.

The adventure of claiming my soul is the most powerful and productive journey I will ever take.

If you’re new here, or if you have been following since those first faltering steps, please understand how grateful I am for you. Every follow, every like, every comment and every message served to remind me that this is indeed the way forward for me.

I pray my service will be of value to you.

Today, and always.

Best wishes.

Alan.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings