When loving is the hardest thing.
If there is one constant through the majority of the world’s wisdom literature, it is the necessity of love. Love transforms, love sustains, love refines. Love brings meaning to our relationships, and sanctifies our soul in the service of others.
But love is not always easy.
I have a good friend who struggles greatly with loving a niece of hers. The niece, a young girl, is not an easy fit for the family she was born into, and is a great challenge for my friend to love.
The niece’s behavior is suggestive of deeply unmet needs of significance and connection, and also some selfishness, which in itself is not unexpected in a young girl of her age.
My friend finds this young niece very difficult to love, and her body language, her tone of voice, and her reactions can leave the young niece in no doubt of my friend’s feelings towards her.
So why does my friend struggle to love this child? Truthfully, she struggles to love herself. Therefore she is unconsciously focused on her own needs within the relationship, and her niece’s behavior annoys and frustrates her (because it violates my friend’s significance and certainty needs).
She is unable to let go of how this child makes her feel, and instead love the child for who she is rather than how she behaves.
We all struggle with this to some degree. I know I do.
This creates a problem in that my friend’s actions create a barrier to her being able to influence her niece, who has needs of her own. This young girl, who has obvious needs for significance and connection, cannot help but feel derision, dislike and disdain from her aunt.
This creates negative feelings towards her aunt, and the whole relationship becomes one continual circle of struggle and rejection.
All for the lack of love.
When my friend is able to love herself more, she will become less reactive to the behavior of her niece, and hopefully will become more loving and accepting of her niece, regardless of how her niece chooses to act.
In time, as the niece slowly realizes that she is loved for who she is and not how she behaves (which will meet her needs of love and connection), she will naturally become more receptive to the love which her aunt will feel, and the relationship will progress.
The niece will become more open and willing to listen to the suggestions of her aunt, and both can have their needs met, and create a bond that will last forever.
All because of the presence of love.
Today I beg you, with all the energy I posses, to start your journey of self acceptance and self love.
There is no telling how many hearts you might heal in addition to your own.
-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings