Feeling so guilty for walking away.
I only met him for a few minutes. The circumstances of his location were less than ideal; cold, loud, the smell of industrial disinfectant mixed with sadness, fear and loneliness. He looked at me with deep sadness in his eyes, and a begging, pleading look on his face.
I only spoke one word to him, but his response showed me that he knew exactly what I meant, and for a moment, we connected.
And then I walked away and I’ve been regretting it ever since.
I should never be allowed into an animal shelter. We got my first dog when I was 5, and she lived until I was in my middle to late teens. She was my friend, my confidant, my partner in crime. I loved that dog probably more than most of my extended family.
We had her put to sleep after she had gone blind, and I cried more than I can ever remember. We laid her to rest in our back yard. My dad was probably out drinking, so I got to bury her. A dark memory that still hurts decades later.
So when I met this dog at the shelter, I was haunted by that connection. There was so much of me that wanted to rescue him, and yet I didn’t. My wife, who has been scared of dogs all her life, had even given me the ok to take him home.
In truth, I was scared to. Scared of how fast I could come to care for a dog I realistically knew nothing about. I was projecting onto him all the love and feelings I had for a good friend who had been there through some fairly rough times in my growing years.
But he wasn’t the same dog, and I knew that I could end up having to return him if his temperament wasn’t right, and I couldn’t face that. Plus with most of us gone all day, the poor dog would be on his own for a good chunk of each day. All good reasons, all bad excuses.
So I played it safe, and walked out feeling like the worst kind of person.
It’s been 2 weeks, and I’ve thought about that dog every day. Imagined him sitting at my feet, running in fields, going for rides in the car, playing with my sons. Yeah, he’s been on my mind a lot. And every day or so I’ve been checking the website for the shelter, and he was still there.
Until today, when he wasn’t.
I hope the family that adopted him treats him well. I hope there are long walks, treats, a warm blanket and a loving family in store for him. May he live out his years in love, compassion and belonging.
If you’re wondering where the reflection for today is, it’s simply this. Fear can rob you of the most wonderful experiences of your life, if you let it. I did, and now I get to wonder forever if he really was the good boy he seemed to be in that shelter.
His name was Diesel. He could have been ours.
Don’t make my mistakes. Don’t allow fear to control you.
Just love, and believe.
-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings