Finding out that you don’t fit in.
Have you ever realized that you just don’t fit in? Maybe it’s a clash with a certain person, or with the subculture of a group of people who you have known for years.
It’s not like they aren’t kind to you, or that they ignore you, but suddenly one day the pieces of the puzzle fit together in just the right way, and the light shines through, bringing with it illumination and knowledge.
That you are never going to be ‘right’ for a particular group, or position, within your life. That you will never ‘fit in’, or be a part of the ‘in-crowd’.
Recently this has become rather apparent to me within a certain part of my life. I’ve been described as ‘unorthodox’ or ‘intimidating’ because I choose to speak the truth as I see it, although trying to be as kind as possible.
Nothing overt has been brought to my attention, but it’s become increasingly obvious to me that I will always be regarded as a wild card, an outsider within the whole.
And honestly, it’s been a somewhat difficult to come to terms with.
As I have struggled with this new understanding, I have tried to look within myself, to see if there are areas that I need to improve, and of course I have found many.
But I also decided to look with new eyes upon those for whom I have been a discomfort, a trial, or a puzzle. In my examination of them, I chose to look only upon on the positive things that I could find.
And I found so many.
They are good people, kind, generous, helpful and with a desire to serve others. They are honest in their actions, and although they see a truth of life that seems to deviate from mine in the semantics, they live with a good intent.
It’s just that my way is never quite going to be comfortable for them. And I’m realizing that’s ok.
Once I understood that my desire to ‘fit in’ was really a desire to obtain significance from others, by being completely ‘accepted’ by them, my need to ‘fit in’ changed. In truth, they are not in a position to grant me a sense of significance.
No matter how hard someone tries to change how I feel, that sense of acceptance and significance has to come from a place within, not from a group without.
Because they have never lived my life, seen the things I have learned, and faced the challenges that brought me to the place I am at today, I can’t expect them to see things the way I do. That’s not a good thing or a bad thing, it simply just is.
If I can learn to accept that I will never be fully a part of who they are, then maybe they can learn to accept that too.
And hopefully, we can find our own peace and truth together.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
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