Why You Shouldn’t Ask for Forgiveness.
Several years ago, a person who I knew did something to me that was pretty terrible. I tried to show compassion for something they were going through, and they turned around and treated me like garbage, in front of someone else.
It wasn’t really a surprise, because this person had a proven track record of treating people badly, but it still annoyed me intensely.
I felt like my compassion was being thrown back in my face, and at the time I was not far enough along on my journey to be able to get past that.
So I walked away from our interaction. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t do anything. I just walked off.
As was the person’s modus operandi, I received a phone message a little while later that contained that person’s standard type of apology. Not the first time I had heard it, so I knew what to expect. I honestly think it was sincerely meant.
But when you’ve heard an apology a few times, it kind of gets old.
The next time we met, the person apologized again, and then asked me straight out if I would forgive them. I was stunned by the almost demanding nature of their request. In my attempt to be honest, I informed the person that I wasn’t able to do that yet, but that in time I expected to be able to move past our most recent interaction.
But that wasn’t enough for them.
For the rest of that day, every chance that the person got to remind me that I hadn’t forgiven them yet was taken. It was almost as though they felt that their apology instantly placed me in a position where my forgiveness HAD to be given, and I was in the wrong by not instantly absolving them of any guilt.
That was when I realized a truth that has stayed with me ever since.
No sincere apology ever includes a request for forgiveness.
Because if you are really sorry, an apology is about what is due to the other person, and in seeing what you can do to make amends. That’s what being sorry means. You recognize that you have treated someone badly, and you admit that to them, and show you are sorry by the actions you take to repair the damage that you have caused.
The second you ask for their forgiveness, it stops being about the person that you wronged, and it goes back to being all about you.
Which, when you think about it, is exactly what asking for forgiveness is really all about. You are asking for someone to absolve you of something that you did, so you can feel better about yourself.
I means that all you are focusing on is you.
Which will probably end up with you needing to apologize again sometime soon.
Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings