Morning Reflection: I struggle with being me. Do you struggle with being you?

I struggle with being me. Do you struggle with being you? 

This weekend, my wife and I were able to get away to our ‘happy place’. A couple of hours away, high in the mountains, there is a valley with a few small towns. People go there for skiing, snowmobiling, boating, fishing and riding. 

We go there for peace, a chance to be away from the demands of our day to day life and business, and to allow our souls a chance to slow down and balance.

As we basked in the early spring air over the weekend, and took the chance to just ‘be’ rather than ‘do’, I realized that I have become dependent upon stimulus to distract my soul rather than silence to calm it. 

In the rush that is our daily lives, with so many competing priorities and needs, I have become uneasy with ‘just being’. 

I struggle with feelings of not being enough, not achieving enough, not working hard enough, and especially not serving enough. I feel a growing responsibility to serve at a much higher level, and this work, these reflections, seems to be a part of that service.

But I feel that I have lost some of the balance that is so necessary for finding peace. I seek stimulus to avoid silence, that I may distract myself from the disquiet within. Slowing down feels ‘wrong’, and I realize that I need to find a better balance. 

The further I step into my journey of service, I become more grounded in my belief that balance is one of the hardest principles to live, but the most important to get right.

So I struggle day to day with the maelstrom inside of me. Do you struggle with that?

When I feel overwhelmed, I try to focus on the good I can do in the world. I also try to examine the beliefs that create my feelings of discomfort, disquiet and sometimes despair.

The beliefs we carry, not necessarily religious but more existential, are some of the deepest causes of our unrest. A false belief, created at an emotional time and never examined, can continue to create great hardship and pain until it is unearthed, examined, broken through and put to rest.

I will write more about this tomorrow, in the hope that I might serve you better.

--Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: What are you afraid of?

What are you afraid of?

In your darkest moments, when you feel powerless and terrified, what is your greatest fear? Is it death, is it pain, is it loneliness?

A friend posted on Facebook today that her greatest fear was, in fact, the judgment of others. After some reflection, I replied that her greatest fear is actually from her own self judgment, because she had not made peace with herself.

A conversation followed in which I asked if I might share some thoughts as part of a reflection, and she gratefully consented.

For many years, I was at the mercy of the judgment of others, both their expressed judgments and the ones I felt like they were making even when they said nothing. Hating myself, every single negative judgment from another person (real or imagined) only drove the sword of my own disgust deeper into my heart.

I lived at the constant control of other people, desperate for some recognition, attention, affection or positive feeling that I could glean from our interactions. It is tiring to live this way, and painful.

Over a period of time, I came to realize that being sensitive to the opinions of others was only possible because my own opinion of myself was so bad. I could believe their negative judgments of me because it matched my own judgment.

A poor self opinion is often a result of something in our early years, such as emotional neglect, abuse, trauma or bullying. It colors every interaction, and clouds every kindness shown to us.

Eventually, I learned to find a measure of peace in my soul. This was hard won, requiring a painful self examination, a great deal of meditation, much introspective reflection and many changes to my thoughts, words and behaviors.

During this process of self forgiveness, I also arrived at something I had never before experienced – a measure of self respect.

As I have truly learned who I am, and have come to accept my weaknesses with my strengths, I have found that the judgment of others is largely irrelevant in my life.

I know who I am. Deeply, powerfully and intentionally. I have no fear of another’s opinion, for who knows me better than me?

While I am not perfect, I am powerful. While I do fall, I also rise up. While I make mistakes, I am always learning. While I can be selfish, I am also loving.

As I trust my own judgment, I have become the keeper of my value, and the protector of my soul.

And this gives me vision.

If I can help you in any way to find peace within yourself, please feel free to reach out so that we can connect. It would be a privilege to serve you.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The eternal equations

The eternal equations.

When I was a young child, I had a crazy idea to write a book of wisdom. My first book, that I started at 8 years old, was a book on how to make a girl like you. At the time, my advice was just be who she wanted you to be, and she’d fall in love with you. That is the worst advice I can imagine, but to 8 year old me, it seemed like a great idea. :)

As a teenager, I wanted to write a book that would tell my children how to act in any situation, and how to always make the right choice. I would try to arrange situations into categories with similar concepts, and try to find the truths behind the choices that could be made. That book died in the planning, but the dream has been with me forever.

Needless to say I was kind of a strange child.

Now, as a 47 year old man who has won and lost, loved and been heartbroken, succeeded and failed, fallen and risen, laughed and cried, and who is still standing, I realize the greatest wisdom I can send into the world today is this.

That in the eternal chaos, confusion and madness that is our journey in this realm, I have found that life will never make sense, but there are equations that allow me to tease some fragments of reason in all the madness.

These are what I loosely call, “The Eternal Equations”. A few of them look something like this:

The Equation of Time: You must balance an unknown amount of time between what is important now, what will be important 10 years from now, and what will be important forever.

The Equation of Love: You must balance love of others with love of principles and values, and find a way to love yourself in spite of your strengths and because of your flaws.

The Equation of Peace: You will only find peace when you stop searching for it, and devote yourself to a cause that may never bring you peace, until you stumble over it one day in the service of others.

The Equation of Compassion: You must find a way to extend this to all, but understand that it will destroy you unless you find a way to control it.

The Equation of Connection: You must balance the need to be alone with your own soul so you can learn who you are and the need to connect with others so you might find yourself reflected in them.

The Equation of Tears: You must learn that tears are a part of life, and they can signal both disaster and the divine. In accepting both, you will find the guideposts to your purpose.

The Equation of Humanity: You must learn that you are both unique, and a part of something greater than you can imagine. Your uniqueness is your gift to the whole, and you are born to use that gift wisely.

In sharing these, I hope to serve you better.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Trying to balance opposing forces

Trying to balance opposing forces.

A very dear friend of mine asked me a difficult question a while ago. We had been discussing a subject on which we have some difference of opinion. After we talked for while, she looked at me very intently, and asked “you don’t lose many arguments do you”?

My answer was that I try to never get into an argument, because when an argument occurs we lose sight of what is right in favor of trying to be right.

The truth is that whenever we argue with someone, the first casualty is kindness, the second is reason, the third is our shared humanity, and the final casualty is the truth.

For me, a discussion is a way for people to try to discover truth. This involves respect, a willingness to listen, a desire to understand and a compassion to achieve a balance together.

The attempt to balance opposing forces is the hallmark of a great human being, and the lack of an attempt to find balance is the mark of a tyrant.

Unfortunately in the world today we see too many in leadership who seek the tyranny of opinion, not the balance of forces.

Balance requires that you humanize those who disagree with you, and balance invites that you find a solution that cares for those who disagree with you as much as those who agree with you.

Balancing requires a deep humility, in that we shed our personal desires for significance and certainty, and instead allow the truth to lead us in the direction that best uplifts and serves all who are impacted.

The search for the balance of opposing forces begins deep within us, as we make peace with ourselves, and then desire that same peace for all who we can touch.

Humility, kindness, benevolence and a search for balance are the soul-prints of those who can guide us towards the very best of ourselves.

May we ever be found trying to balance opposing forces, and leading others towards greatness.

Balance is the key to life.

Balance is the blueprint to peace.

Balance will lead you home.

--Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Finding you

Finding you.

I have lived long enough to know that the universe is not an easy place in which to live. Life is messy. Life is painful. Life hurts. Each of us will pass through times of joy, and times of struggle. Times of pleasure, and times of pain.

Times where you can see the way forward clearly, and times when you are so afraid to move because it hurts so much to take one more step.

I have come to believe that the darkest times are when we get a true glimpse of the light of our soul. Naked, alone, afraid and forlorn, we come to a moment where ‘all we have’ is who we are.

And sometimes ‘all we have’ doesn’t seem to be very much at all.

There is a phrase in wisdom literature… “The Dark Night of the Soul”. It is used to describe those times where you can’t see a way forward, and your own light seems very dim against the darkness surrounding you. Where the very powers of Hell seem stacked against you, and you feel no hope.

In these times, I try to remember all the Dark Nights that I have survived before. I try to tell myself that what I see now is not necessarily the truth of what will come to pass. I try to breathe deep, hope hard, live in faith and take one more step. 

I’m not telling you that it’s easy, it’s not. It is so NOT easy. It hurts, and it hurts badly.

Sometimes, the only thing that has helped me get through is to just try something. At least if I am trying, and it all goes bad, I have the knowledge that I tried, and that may be the only solace left to me. 

Sometimes the only good out of a bad situation will be the things you put in there.

If you are going through your own Dark Night, please keep going forwards. Please know that there will come a morning, with a light to support you and to guide you. Even though you cannot see it, feel it or even believe it right now, the light will come.

Until then, I implore you to find yourself in the darkness, and hold onto who you are.

You have worth. You have potential. You are special.

You are.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Secret of Life

The Secret of Life.

“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”

The above quote is attributed to different people, but the truth of the statement is eternal, no matter where it began.

Consciousness is the ability to experience time, and to perceive reality, but perception is often distorted by meaning. Our experience of time is subject to our state during the moment, as Einstein so powerfully alluded to in his monumental works.

I have found that when I am able to discard meaning, and instead perceive in a state of grateful wonder, that my experience of time and my perception of reality are magnified beyond understanding.

In that state, I am able to find a deep sense of peace each morning as I see more leaves growing on the tree outside my kitchen window, marveling at the wondrous organization of energy that creates an organism that responds to light, gravity, temperature and time.

Likewise, I am moved to stillness at the contemplation of a sunrise, heralding the dawn of a new day, where light interacting with our perfect atmosphere creates colors too magnificent to be described, and too rich to be reproduced.

The secret of my life is not what is occurring, but the state in which I observe and interact.

If I approach each event with openness, and a willingness to learn, I find my days full of wisdom and a sublime resonance with the universe. If I approach each act of service with humility and a deep intention to give, then I find a serenity even in the presence of hardship, and hope even in the presence of despair.

Life is an experience. The events of each day are monumental, even though they seem monotonous, and moving although they can seem mundane.

That difference is solely how I choose to perceive.

Awareness is the ability to perceive, and the opportunity to experience.

May you find joy in your experience and peace through your pathway.

The universe is yours to enjoy.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Becoming conscious.

Becoming conscious.

There is nothing more beautiful in the world than an awakened mind. The mind that is conscious of itself, not given to thoughtless reaction or cruel inflection, changes both itself and the world around it.

One of my favorite authors created a character who taught me a great deal about life. One of her greatest quotes went like this… “The trouble is, you see, that if you do know Right from Wrong, you can't choose Wrong. You just can't do it and live”.

Awakening is a complex moment, where you are aware not only of your place in the world and your responsibilities therein, but that you are also in command of your inner world, and can no longer allow yourself the freedom and luxury of thoughtless action and mindless reflex.

Awakening is painful, for the moral complexities require you to balance your own needs with the needs of the world, the species, the universe.

You are now truly responsible to find out who you are, and bring your existence in line with your highest truths and aspirations.

Awakening allows you to see the divine in everyone, and endows you with the responsibility to act accordingly. Kindness becomes your cloak in the dark, and your light in the distance.

From the moment we arrive at sentience, we take our first steps on our journey towards enlightenment, which is a full awakening.

Each day, each hour, brings opportunities and choices to confirm our awakening, and continue the process of shedding our frailties and fears, and taking upon us the mantle of an awakened servant, ready to balance now with eternity, need with responsibility, power with compassion and justice with mercy.

Today, may you find a greater awakening as you seek to understand yourself.

Upon finding emotions that are out of alignment with the truth of yourself, may you change them through the work of understanding, challenging, discarding and ultimately releasing all that is in you that holds you down.

Awaken today, and become the beacon that I know you can be.

Awaken, and step into the truth of all that you are.

Awaken.

I believe in you.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Drowning in need

Drowning in need.

The reason behind our deepest actions always seems to come back to one of the 6 human needs. The further I progress in meditation on those needs, I find a greater appreciation for their importance and a deeper concern over how we manage our needs, and the needs of others.

I was blessed in the past to work with a client who was struggling with a teenage daughter.

Some years ago, my client was involved in a difficult divorce, and the young daughter took the separation from her other parent very hard.

As the daughter grew into a teenager, she became increasingly rebellious and paid little attention to her school work. She had a quick temper and was disrespectful. Frustrated, my client sought a solution.

After some thought, I realized that my client was trying to define a course of action for the teenage daughter based on my client’s interpretation of the daughter’s needs, rather than the actual needs that the daughter was experiencing.

In truth, the separation of her parents had affected the young girl very deeply, and as a result, she was extremely lacking in certainty, significance and connection. Her teenage mind was unable to see past her current pain, and act in ways that were best for her in the ‘long term’.

Her current actions, which were so frustrating to my client, were her own attempt to reduce the pain that she was feeling now.

She was not concerned about potential pain in the future when she was desperately hurting in the present.

To use a metaphorical analogy, the daughter was drowning in the ocean, and my client was trying to get her to put on a wetsuit to avoid getting cold.

How many of us are unaware of our own needs, and are in essence “drowning”, but unable to clearly define the pain that we feel?

In my journey into self awareness, I have reached deeper into my soul and sought these answers. This has allowed me to help others, and while I regret that I have experienced some of the things that have occurred in my life, I am able to realize that in learning of myself, I can apply that knowledge to serve others.

That is my joy, my passion and my purpose. Serving and helping others creates a sense of serenity that meets some of my deepest human needs, and satisfies them in a way I had not anticipated.

If you are hurting today, or feel that something is missing in your life, I invite you to meditate on your needs and see if you are able to identify areas that you can address.

If you are struggling with the actions of a another who is hurting, may I suggest that you listen to them, and try to see the world from their perspective. Finding a balance between the two of you starts with understanding their point of view, and respecting their humanity, even if it is not what you want to hear.

The first step on the road to peace is awareness. I will write more about the next step soon.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: A simple life

A simple life.

How do you measure your life? Do you determine the success of your day by the car in your driveway, the balance in your bank, or square footage you call home?

Do you find yourself unable to take joy in the simplest of pleasures, when silence heralds joy and where solitude begets serenity?

Too many times, I talk to people who feel their life is not a success because they have not achieved something ‘heroic, epic, or noteworthy’. These are they who can find no peace nor rest in their endeavors, for they are eternally lost in the incessant hunger for achievement and fame.

Somewhere, in all of our stories of conflict, love and endeavor, we have lost our perspective of the beauty and wonder of a life lived without fanfare, a time spent in the wonder of the everyday.

We have lost appreciation of ‘that which makes us happy’ in favor of ‘that which brings us attention’. In this world of social media, where the rush to be louder has drowned out the responsibility to be kinder, we see a distortion of the simple into the sensational, the calm into the chaotic, and the everyday into the extraordinary.

In our attempts to rise above so that we might be noticed, we have abandoned many of the simple day to day activities that can bring us joy. A quiet talk with a dear friend is interrupted by the constant cacophony of electronic media. An afternoon spent in the garden is overshadowed by the need to create a masterpiece to be viewed by others. A life lived with a single companion is judged against the constant never ending stream of new partners that bring neither peace nor contentment.

As we race headlong into the digital frontier, where reality is virtual and where the sensational is replacing the ordinary, we are sacrificing our humanity and our perspective for the temporary thrill, the abandonment of goodness and the ever expanding need to be ‘something’.

Today, I implore you to just be. You are enough. You are enough. You possess in you all the kindness and compassion you need to fill the world around you with love and light.

You do not need more. You do not need to be more.

You are, and that is all you need to be.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The 3 Truths

The 3 Truths.

I have been meditating recently on the nature of human interactions. It amazes me that we as a people, a species, are able to communicate with each other, through the written and spoken languages that we have created.

Language describes concepts that we share, but those concepts are unique to our own understanding. We navigate reality with language, in a desperate attempt to define the unknown, and to bring order from the chaos. Language allows us to define truths.

But that truth is always relative.

In any interaction, there are 3 truths.

If you and I meet and talk, there is the truth I take away from the moment, based in my understanding of concepts of language, the meanings I derive from our conversation based on my past experiences and my own needs, and the misunderstandings that arise from our inability to fully express ourselves.

You walk away from that same interaction with your truth, based on the same events I just outlined.

And then there is the summation truth, which is the outcome of the ongoing interaction based on our flawed perceptions from all that we achieved.

As I seek for greater peace in my soul, I am focusing on achieving a greater understanding of all the interactions I experience.

I am trying to assume less, ask more questions, and listen with a greater intensity to the summation truth that arises from the time I spend with others.

Communication is a blessing, a gift, a saving faculty, and if we allow it, an ennobling serenity.

True communication, both verbal and physical, allows us to define our ongoing experience of reality in a way that evokes meaning, and creates a sense of the sublime from the everyday.

Communication takes time, patience, sincerity, humility and desire.

May we communicate today at a deeper level, commensurate with our shared humanity.

That we may draw closer to each other, and find joy therein.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: How do you find inspiration?

How do you find inspiration?

I love being inspired. That moment where a truth becomes evident, or a solution presents itself out of nowhere. It’s like the clouds of confusion part, and a ray of light illuminates my soul with understanding.

I wish I could say that inspiration arrives on schedule, but it’s never on a convenient timeline. My poor wife has become used to the way I will stop during a conversation, get a far-away look and immediately write something down before the idea fades.

During dinner, driving on the freeway, in the movie theater…there’s no schedule, there’s no rhyme or reason, it just happens.

And although I cannot force the moment, I have found that there are things I can do to prepare myself for those moments. I share these today in the hope that it might help you find a greater level of guidance and inspiration in your own life.

First, I try to seek understanding of others before I am sure that they understand me. This forces me to question more than I assert. Questions are essential for seeking truth, and in questions I often find inspiration in answers.

Second, trying to understand others places on me a burden of humility. Humility is essential for seeking true inspiration, because humility allows me to accept possibilities which at first may seem to threaten my sense of self, but on deeper understanding may be the way forwards.

Humility removes my ego from the situation which makes me more receptive to external ideas, rather than trying to force my own solutions, which are tainted by my flaws and weaknesses.

Third, I try to find quiet places. We have a place that we go to, away in the mountains, that has become my spiritual wilderness. It’s a drive of about 2-3 hours, through a winding forest of pine and stone that breaks out into a wide verdant valley, and majestic mountains. There are also large lakes, and a sense of the eternal. This seems to quiet some of the noise in my soul, and allow me to be open to possibilities not easily evident to me.

Fourth, I try to find wisdom in the books that I read, and the content I consume in media. It leads me down some fairly strangle rabbit holes, from Indian spiritual teachers through quantum physics, psychology research papers through biographies of notable people. The constant search for wisdom is the only way I know to overcome my own weaknesses, and my only hope for the peace that I find so elusive.

Lastly, I try to maintain an attitude of service and reverence for others. When I am seeking answers for others I find that inspiration flows easier. My role as a healer is to reduce the suffering in the world around me. When serving is my guidepost, I find a clearer path to the inspiration I seek, and a greater sense of purpose in my everyday interactions.

May you find your own way to inspiration, and may you share what you learn, that we might all be edified and empowered.

We are the solution to the suffering, but we can only achieve that together.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Your offering to the world

Your offering to the world.

What value is there in a life? How do you measure the worth of a soul, and more importantly, how do you decide your own worth?

It’s easy in this world to fall victim to the lie that you have no worth. Society, the media, literature and even sometimes those around us seem to have a vested interest in promoting the message that we are not enough.

Maybe because of how we look, how we speak, how we travel, the size of our house. There are so many comparisons that sometimes we falter under the weight of it all.

And it’s true that we are different from each other. Some excel in one area, some in another.

Yet we measure our imagined imperfections against the supposed perfection of others, and fail to recognize the truth that we all have value in what we can give; in how we can serve.

What has more value than kindness? How do you measure an act of service that lifts another from the depths of despair?

In the darkest moments of your soul, when the very universe seems stacked against you, a desire to serve others will help you find the humanity within that can lift you out of the darkness.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, I am sure there is something you have to offer the world. Some way that you can change someone’s day, even if only for a moment.

When you serve another person, you are proclaiming that they are worth serving. When your kindness lifts another, your actions declare that they are worth helping. When you give of yourself, your time, your talents and your soul, you profess to the universe that this person is worth saving.

In your unequivocal declaration that another human being is worth something, you will uncover your own declaration of value.

No matter where you are, even if all you have to give is a kind word and a smile, give all that you can today to make the world a better place.

And you will discover that you have value beyond measure.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The beauty of a moment of epiphany

The beauty of a moment of epiphany.

I don’t know if you feel this way, but as I get older, less and less seems to make sense. Truths from my past become mixed with the questions of today, and clouded in the possibilities of tomorrow.

I find that as my path changes through self discovery and self awareness, the pathway itself becomes more random. As I seek to find direction, I often find more confusion.

But then it happens.

Just at the moment where I feel lost, the answers come.

When I have pushed myself to breaking point, when my mind is a maelstrom of questions, doubts, patterns and possibilities, the clouds part for a moment, and the pathway becomes clear.

Maybe it’s a subject for another reflection, maybe it’s the direction I need to take this work in, or maybe it’s a truth that allows me to serve at a higher level.

I wish you could be with me when it arrives, because I’d love to have the chance to share it with you in person.

I was able to share a moment with 4 amazing women this last evening, who I have had the unique honor and privilege of teaching for the last 3 months.

As I sat with them, listened to their thoughts and shared mine, I felt the gentle energy of another epiphany. This time, it was a confirmation that I am bringing my purpose more into line with my gifts, my talents and my reason for being here.

It’s so hard to describe, but when it happens, it’s like I am enlightened, and the words, thoughts, patterns and energies intertwine, and I feel more connected, more alive, more the person I am supposed to be.

However the epiphany arrives, I am grateful for the chance to learn. Just as I am so grateful for the thoughts, comments and feedback that you have given me in this work.

It is an honor to share, even for a moment, in your awareness.

I hope to keep receiving and sharing these things with you. I am so grateful for you, and the chance to serve you.

You mean the world to me.

Thank you.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: It’s not about you, it’s me

It’s not about you, it’s me.

Yesterday I wrote about the need to disengage from people who can never get enough, and how you can metaphorically set yourself on fire trying to keep them warm.

Today I would like to write about the other side of that equation; when it is not about the other person, but about you.

In my quest for peace, I have tried to understand why some people bring out the worst emotions in me. Not that I allow it to show, but there are a few people that it just hurts to be around, because of my own weaknesses and insecurities.

One person especially just hits me in every aspect of my soul.

Please understand, this person has never acted towards me in a way that deserves reproach, censure or correction. Their conduct has been perfectly amiable.

Their effect on me is purely a result of my emotions, and even though I understand that it is my issue, that doesn’t necessarily change how this person makes me feel. It is enough to say that I do not feel peace in their presence.

In an attempt to understand why, I have been forced to bring my emotions into the realm of language, for that is how we eventually decode, process and make peace with our emotions.

Describing emotions is never easy, but it is so worthwhile.

In meditation, I have understood that this person represents my dreams for the future and my wishes of how the past could have been. This brings out both the angry child within me, and the scared adult who wonders if I will ever find my dreams fulfilled.

Every negative emotion that I seem to possess is brought to the fore when I am in this person’s presence.

And I realize that it is all me.

So I have decided that for my own protection, I will spend less time in the presence of this person. Not because they are destructive, but because my own peace of mind is valuable, and worthy of protection.

I have a responsibility to myself to manage my own emotional energy. It is also a necessary part of self care, which is something I struggle with.

My hope is that in a future day, I will achieve an internal balance sufficient to be in that person’s presence without feeling the way I do now.

The good news is that because it’s my problem, I have hope that I can find a solution.

Hope is a good thing. Hope shines through.

Hope is eternal.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: You can’t set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm

You can’t set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm.

It is a sad truth that there are people in this world for whom nothing is ever enough. Like a black hole, they are cursed to wander through the world with a terrifying need, a thirst that can never be satisfied.

And although they are to be pitied, for theirs is never a peaceful existence, they are also to be avoided, because nothing you do will ever be enough for them.

Hence the mantra: you can’t set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm.

Sometimes we meet someone who has a wound in their soul that just never seems to heal. Like the hole in the bucket that will never allow the bucket to be filled, the soul wound prevents the sufferer from ever finding peace in their own heart. Whether it be biology or genealogy, nature or nurture, nothing you do for them will ever satisfy their need for more.

And at some point, you have to stop trying.

The good in you wants to make everything better, but sometimes you can’t. The kindness in you wants to reach out and give more of your time, love, dedication and effort, but it isn’t enough. It never will be.

And eventually you realize that you have given too much of yourself, and metaphorically ‘set yourself on fire’ in a desperate attempt to ‘keep somebody else warm’.

If you find yourself in this situation, this is my plea—and my permission to you—that it is time to scale back your efforts, and focus on establishing a balance that reverences your soul as well as theirs.

While you can still act with kindness, know that your first responsibility is to yourself. While you can still give of your time, you must balance their needs against yours.

For in the end, they are responsible for their own happiness, just as you are.

Today, find balance in your relationships, by taking care of yourself.

You are important, and your kindness and compassion must be lovingly cared for, but also carefully controlled.

You have worth, and are worthy of your own love.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: My light creates my shadow

My light creates my shadow.

All of us are born with gifts. Some are readily apparent, some only come to the fore after many years of struggle, and some we never quite seem to fully incorporate into our lives.

Also, each of us comes into this universe with our own capacity for darkness. I have struggled for many years to understand mine, and to overcome it.

Recently, I arrived at the understanding, that the very darkness that frustrates me is in fact fact a byproduct of the very gifts that strengthen me.

My creative mind, that allows me to write these reflections, also gifts me with a tendency very much like attention deficit disorder, which makes paying attention very difficult, and following through with simple but mundane tasks an absolute nightmare.

My improvisational mind, that allows me to think on my feet while talking in front of a room full of strangers, also creates a tendency towards anxiety when things are peaceful. It’s like my brain doesn’t know how to handle the quiet.

My gift with words and phrasing, when coupled with my gifts at reading the emotions that beset others makes me a compassionate and intuitive coach, but for many years in my young adult life this created a potential for sarcasm and cruelty that took effort to control.

My desire for deep introspection and learning gives me insights that allow me to share healing with others, but makes me a poor conversationalist around things that are more ‘everyday’.

For the longest time, I have seen my darkness as separate and distinct from the good side of me, and I criticized myself for it.

Only now, as I deepen my self knowledge, do I realize that this darkness is simply the reflection of all the good that I can do in the world.

And I understand that the greater level of peace I distill into my soul, the less the darkness in me will be a factor.

Capacity and capability do not determine our character; rather our choices and our compassion.

May you find a balance between your own light and darkness, and the peace to choose wisely.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: When not enough is actually all that you need

When not enough is actually all that you need.

It’s amazing how we let our minds trap ourselves into believing that we have to be “perfect”. I had a realization this week that I would like to share in the hope that it might help you treat yourself with a little more kindness.

On Wednesday evening I was blessed to be able see a late movie with my son. We got home late, and went to bed even later. Getting up at 6 AM to walk on the treadmill was a goal, but not one that I was looking forward to, and when 6 AM came I didn’t make the treadmill.

As I got up later though, I decided that I was going to dress and walk on the treadmill, even if only for a few minutes.

It turns out that 5 minutes on the treadmill was all I needed yesterday morning. Not that I burned a lot of calories, or radically changed my metabolism, but because I was able to change the thought pattern in my head, which is much more powerful.

I realized that the duration of time this morning spent on the treadmill was nowhere near as important as the fact that I had gotten on the treadmill. Because getting on the treadmill taught my soul the recurring lesson that exercise for my body is important.

It reinforced that I can make good decisions even after failing to follow through on an intention. Most of all it taught me that not being able to do “everything” that I had planned is never a reason not to do something.

Our success, our happiness in our overall journey is made up of many ‘somethings’ and very few ‘everythings’.

Rarely do we get everything we want, rarely do we achieve everything we set out to. But it’s the things that we accomplish in 5 minutes every day that cumulatively add up to changes for a lifetime.

Wherever you find yourself today, spend 5 minutes on you.

Do that every day and eventually you get where you want to be.

You might not get there as fast as you hoped, but you’ll get there much faster than you will if you never do something because you can’t do everything.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: You are the only person that matters

You are the only person that matters.

One of the hardest truths I ever had to learn was that whatever I wanted, it was all on me. I struggled against that, even rebelled against that for a while, because it didn’t fit with the narrative for my life that I was invested in.

Because of the circumstances of my childhood, I grew up with the hope that someone, somewhere would come along who would ‘fix me’, and in some aspects, I felt that the universe owed me that much. Entitlement, it turns out, is not just a problem for those who grow up privileged.

Over the years, I feel like I have progressed beyond some of my childhood patterns, and I have learned to forgive myself for the ways in which I believed and behaved in the past.

I have truly come to understand that I am ‘the only person that matters’. It’s not that other people aren’t important, far from it; but when it comes to my personal development, my own personal journey towards a higher existence, I am the only person who can do that work.

The toil of enlarging my soul is not something that I can hire out to others. It’s all on me.

I also realized that I was going to have to change my relationship with pain. Not necessarily physical pain, but with the emotional pain of loneliness, fear, anxiety and sadness.

The true test of a person’s resolve isn’t how much pain they can take when they don’t have a choice. It’s how much pain and discomfort they are willing to accept when they have a choice, but choose to embark on their own enlightenment journey anyway.

Growth is often painful because we have to get outside of our comfort zone, and push ourselves into new and difficult territory. We risk failure (a potential loss of significance), loneliness (a potential loss of connection) and the unknown (a potential loss of certainty).

The ability of someone to push through these negative emotions has a direct correlation to how fast they will progress on their journey.

Too many times have I seen people who refuse to accept their ‘self’ responsibility to improve, and who instead retrench into bitterness, negativity, sarcasm and snark.

Pity the souls who live with such emotions, for they are those who live without self respect, and without self love.

In the end, the only person who can do the work is ourselves.

Yes, life will provide plenty of ‘learning experiences’ along the way, but it is our own choice, our own determination and our own willingness to suffer that will grant us enlightenment.

The Buddha taught that ‘enlightenment’ was simply ‘not suffering’.

May your journey lead you there, and may you bring others with you.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: There is calm after the storm

There is calm after the storm.

All of us have storms in our lives. While for most of us the day to day existence of mortality is like a gentle sea that softly moves us, we all seem to go through periods where everything seems to be stacked against us, where the very gates of hell seem to stand open before us.

I have heard those times described as a divine storm, where all that is good in the universe has abandoned us and we are adrift in a sea of entropy, with chaos our companion and sadness our siren.

I have been through these times, and doubtless you have as well. I think it is one of our ‘human problems’, something in our experience that unites us in a shared suffering that hopefully breeds an enlightening empathy.

When those storms come, it’s tempting to feel alone and abandoned. I think sometimes that is the purpose of a divine storm; to let you stand alone and test yourself against that which hurts you.

I have lived long enough to realize that rarely do those storms last. Even though I do not enjoy the time of a storm, I have grown enough through struggle to realize that after a storm, there is usually a peaceful calm. 

In those times, I am able to reflect and realize that I have grown because of the storm; that my capacity and capability have been enlarged, and my concern for others has been magnified.

In short, while the storm is painful, it can make me powerful. It removes from me the excesses that hold me down, and reveals to me the strength and talents that will lift me up.

There is always a calm after the storm, and in that time, I realize I have become more.

The storm is my friend, and while it is here, I will embrace my friend.

And become.

Each day I share a picture that I feel connects with the words I share. Today I am blessed to be able to share a picture of my own taking. This was taken a few minutes after a storm had moved through our valley. The storm left a torrent of water on the west bound road I was driving, in the evening, into the setting sun. For a few minutes, I could barely see anything, and had to drive at a very slow speed, passing cars that had collided because the glare from the road had blinded them. Even though a storm occurred, the aftermath for me was a beautiful sunset. I share it today in the hope that it may give you encouragement through any storm you are facing. There is a calm awaiting you. My desire is that you find it at the right time.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Photo by Dr. Alan Barnes.

Morning Reflection: Reverence

Reverence.

I saw this picture, and I knew that all I had to do was find the right words. The subject had already been decided for me.

According to the information I could find, the gentleman seated was an elderly Chinese man who was waiting for a train, and somehow passed on before his train arrived. 

The gentleman standing over him is a monk, and acting as a person of faith, he is showing reverence for the passing of this man. I do not know if the monk knew this person, but the attitude of the monk shows a deep, sincere and profound reverence.

Reverence is a curious emotion, in that it can take us out of ourselves. We reverence things that are sacred, greater than ourselves, of inestimable worth.

This monk’s reverence for life touched me deeply. I think this reverence is somehow missing in our day to day interactions with each other. 

This monk has probably lived a life of service, discipline, and sacrifice, and even though he has probably lived without some of the comforts that we take for granted, I can’t help but think that in some way, he may have a greater connection to humanity and to eternity than most of us.

Reverence for life crosses all cultures, creeds and countries.

As we reverence one human life in passing, so might we live to reverence each life in its living.

When everyone you meet is sacred, then your heart will find sanctity in the everyday.

For every day is a miracle, a blessing, an opportunity and a gift.

May we each find the sacred in our lives today, and show reverence for it.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Photo by HU YUANJIA/Reuters/ Asian News Photo