Morning Reflection: In the midst of the wind and the waves

In the midst of the wind and the waves.

Life is the odyssey of storms and calms. For every moment of peace, there seems to be another of chaos. Every time of joy has it’s ending, and so do the times of sadness. 

We often feel like we are buffeted by the winds and the waves, until there is no possibility of a better tomorrow, or of a greater light in the world.

Light and dark are so interwoven into our vocabulary that we have adopted them to describe so many facets of our existence, and the presence of light and dark affects both our body and our mind.

But it’s hard, in the middle of the sadness, to see the light in the far flung distance, and to believe that there is hope in the midst of darkness. Hope itself can be a beacon, exploding possibility into the dark void of pessimism and doubt.

Darkness is simply the absence of light, with light itself being the expression of the energy and the life of the universe. All it takes for darkness to occur is for us to stop creating the light for ourselves, and just as importantly for others.

We ourselves can be a beacon, a lighthouse for those who are lost in the absence of the light.

The lighthouse is as much about reassurance as it is a warning. The reassurance that someone is there, that in this world there are those who care about others, who desire to bring light to those lost in the darkness of their own storms.

Light is important, because it enables us to see our visions, and follow them. Vision requires light.

Today, I invite you to be that light for someone, or to reach out for that light if you are struggling in your own darkness. 

Reach out to those who feel alone, and help them realize they are not. Reach out to those who fear, and comfort them in their time of need. Reach out most of all to those who have lost the love of themselves, and show them why they are worth loving.

Use your light to bring others out of the darkness, and you will find your own light brighter and more radiant.

Until you glow, and are happy.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: 6 Months of Reflections

6 Months of Reflections

When I started these reflections, 6 months ago today, I had no idea how much this would come to mean to me. It was a chance to write, to express ideas, and maybe bring some light to other people.

It’s harder than I thought it would be, finding the right words to use. Sometimes the words just pour forth from my fingers on the keyboard, like I am remembering something that was whispered to me a few seconds ago.

Sometimes the reflection is a fight, with multiple starts and erases, changes in tone and context, and it can take hours to finally feel the thread of the piece. These are usually the ones that seem to be destined for a reader specifically, because the comments will reflect how much the words meant to someone at this time in their life.

Most of the time, the picture accompanying the written words comes after, but occasionally I will see a picture, and the emotions provoked seem to have their own song, and the lyrics come to me with a specific tone and feeling.

I try not to get caught up in the number of likes and comments, but I’ll be honest and say that I’m human, and sometimes it is gratifying to see positive comments. I’ve given up trying to understand what resonates with people. 

Sometimes I have written a piece that I personally loved, only to have very few responses. Occasionally I have written something that I felt was clumsy and awkward, and people respond in both likes and comments way more than I expected.

It’s kind of humbling that way, and my sweet wife finds joy in reminding me that my role is the writer, the thinker, the communicator. It’s not about me.

Honestly, when I began this journey, it was about me. I wrote things that I found pleasing. It changed when I started to hear from people that this work was affecting them and making a difference in their lives.

Since then, when I write, I try to imagine you and I sitting quietly together. I try to feel in my heart what I would like to share with you that will serve you in the greatest way I know, which is to share what small wisdoms I have gathered over the last 30 years of trying to understand and heal myself.

I don’t know where this work is going. I honestly don’t. I can see several pathways going forwards, and we’ll just have to see which ones we take together. Several people have suggest a published work, some have asked for a workbook based on the reflections. I still feel that it’s too early, but maybe in the future something will happen.

For now, today, I just want to send you my heartfelt thanks for being a part of this journey with me. The thoughts and comments you’ve shared mean so much to me. I am grateful for your presence in my life, and for your support of whatever this is.

I’m going to keep writing, because I feel drawn to it. I hope you’ll keep reading and commenting.

Thank you. You mean the world to me.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Parenting my inner child

Parenting my inner child.

Sometimes in our emotional development our progression stops, because some kind of support or learning wasn’t present when it was needed. In response, we stop maturing in that aspect, and are left with an ‘inner child’ to deal with for the rest of our lives.

I had two specific events occur this last week that brought out the worst of my inner child. Both of them were situations that I interpreted as a ‘threat’ to my needs, specifically my need for certainty, and my need for significance.

I’d love to tell you that I handled both situations well, like a mature adult, and in a way, I did. I behaved somewhat rationally and properly.

But that’s not how I felt. 

Inside, I was more like a 5 year old. I felt angry, frustrated, scared and unkind. If I had no self control I would have probably reacted like a child throwing an epic tantrum There’s a reason why I have not lost my temper since I was 13 years old; because my inner child is not someone I’m proud of.

I know where he came from. Out the chaos that was my childhood; experiences and emotions that should not have happened and things that were missing that can never be made up.

The really hard part is that the adult me, the educated me, the me that is trying to live a better way knows this is wrong. 

Even when I’m throwing my own ridiculous, pointless pity party in my mind, there is a part of me that is desperately trying to reason with my inner child, to help him overcome his pain, move past his fears and grow into the person I aspire to be.

But he’s resistant; so resistant. 

I’ve come at least far enough in my journey that I don’t allow him access to my behavior, so nobody but me has to deal with him. 

Sometimes that means withdrawing, pulling away and decreasing my interactions within a particular area of my life until I have a reasonable certainty of behaving in a way that I believe is appropriate. 

Do you struggle with an inner child? 

If you do, you have my sympathies and my hopes that you have begun your own healing journey. It takes time, and it takes patience, but I promise you it can be done.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Awareness will only get you so far

Awareness will only get you so far.

There’s something magical about watching someone make an awareness jump. It’s an almost spiritual experience, to watch the realization take hold and see the light in their eyes brighten as they incorporate a new truth into their soul. 

I get to see this as I help people through their struggles, and it’s a humbling thrill to be present in that moment.

The next moment is usually a little less glamorous, because then they realize that the new knowledge is just the first step… and what follows looks a lot like hard work, just after they’ve struggled to break through to where they are now :)

And then the process begins, because a new awareness often requires some kind of action. 

Maybe it’s spending time in meditation to view past behaviors and relationships; maybe it’s taking new action that is scary or intimidating; or maybe it’s having the courage to say “I’m sorry”.

The fun part is helping people realize that when you have incorporated a new truth, the action that you take in response to that awareness brings with it a new form of joy and peace.

When we act from our newly discovered truth, we are becoming more authentic. As you move into alignment with your authenticity, your soul begins to resonate at a higher level. 

You will feel a deeper peace, a reduction of stress and a more child-like enthusiasm. The ‘work’ actually becomes the pursuit of joy, as you find more meaning to life, and a more powerful sense of who you really are.

Although the work after a new awareness can seem daunting; the peace you’ll feel through taking action in your new reality will more than make up for it.

Questions are the gateway to awareness, and awareness leads to a journey of peace.

If you are struggling to reach your next awareness, feel free to reach out, and I’ll see if I can help.

I wonder what you'll discover.

-- Dr.  Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: I chose for today, I will choose again tomorrow

I chose for today, I will choose again tomorrow.

The young man scowled ahead, pain and anger warring for control of his face. “I’ll have children, I’ll love them and I’ll never let him see them" he uttered in quiet and measured tones. 

“Never” I asked, hoping to see a glimpse of possibility in the midst of his suffering. He turned away, frustration and fury in the eyes that had darkened, seemingly never to grow bright again. “Never” he said. “Never”.

This young man, hurt beyond measure by the actions of his now absent father, found the only way he knew to return pain for his suffering, vengeance for his abandonment, and to isolate him who had caused his feelings of desolation.

And he intended to choose the same path forever.

Whenever we are in pain, we lose our focus of time as a pathway, and instead it becomes a place. In anger, or sadness, or rage, or agony, we make decisions that we accept as timeless edicts, guiding our emotions for years to come, even when the pain that caused the choice to be ground into eternity has lost its fever, growing weaker under the healing waves of years gone by.

But still our decision remains locked into our soul, unwilling to release its grip on tomorrow for fear that we may feel like we have forgiven where no forgiveness was ever supposed to be.

And we continue, locked in feelings that we no longer need, but cannot leave quietly at the side of the road.

If you are the prisoner of such decisions, I invite you to consider the possibility that one day you may feel different. 

Not now, not today, but sometime.

You can free yourself with one simple decision.

“I choose today, but I may choose differently tomorrow”. To your subconscious mind, this simple shift allows you to experience each day anew, with the possibility of change, but only if you desire it.

In effect, this one decision releases the grip of the past while not burdening you with the choices of the future. And you become alive for today.

As I consider those for whom I still hold anger, I try to remind myself that every day I have the freedom to consider my feelings for them. 

Perhaps one day, situations changed by a different perspective will yield a kinder feeling. Why carry the burden of the emotions of a tomorrow that may be changed beyond recognition?

Carry today alone. The emotions of the past may not serve you, and the pressure of the future can crush you if you let it.

Choose today. Then choose again tomorrow.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Nurturing your sense of self

Nurturing your sense of self.

Who are you? You are not your name, because that can be changed. You are not your nationality, because technology is breaking down the idea of nations into a global community of ideas. You are not what you do, because that may not be what you chose, or what you want to do anymore.

You are not necessarily your religion or creed, because that can be changed or professed by those who only go through the motions. You are not the car that you drive, because that could be owned, or a gift, or purchased with borrowed money that might never be repaid. You are not the residence you live in, the clothes you wear or the phone you carry.

The truth of you is who you are inside your head, when the lights go down, when the people are gone, and the voice of your reality whispers to you in the darkness.

This is who I am.

But often that’s a lie too. Because so many people are not even their truest selves in the quiet places of their own minds because they believe the ideas of others, rather than reasoning out their own opinions, and changing their behaviors through envisioning, meditation, practicing and becoming.

Your sense of yourself is the greatest prize you carry. Properly nurtured, strengthened and sharpened into a powerful force, your self-sense or your eye-dentity is the manifestation of what you see as the sum of your strengths and gifts. 

Coupled with a determined will, that has grown through trial and temptation, your self-sense charts your course through your earthly days.

If your self-sense is weakened through the falsehoods of others, only you can cast them out. If you have allowed your opinions to be shaped by the dogma of others, rather than your own studied and reasoned views, you can begin now to become yourself anew, through study, meditation and determined judgment.

If you truly desire to become the person you can be, you must strengthen your self-sense so that it can withstand the storms of the world, the doubts of the fearful and the wickedness of those who would bring you down.

If you don’t know who you are, that’s the perfect place to start. Decide to start understanding what you like, what you believe and who you are. 

Learn yourself, change yourself as you find necessary (not to the judgment of others) and be willing to withstand trial and hardship to become the you who can serve the world.

Your sense of who you really are is the most precious gift you can ever give yourself. It will bring you greater peace, happiness and fulfillment if you take care of it.

I believe you are amazing. I really do. You just need to do the work to believe it as well.

-- Dr.  Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Why do we search so hard for meaning?

Why do we search so hard for meaning?

We all have times in our lives where we come face to face with the reality that we exist in a painful universe. From random failures, unintended consequences, neglect or the willful practice of cruel deeds, all of us are at one time or another the recipient of difficult, brutal, inhumane and sometimes just evil circumstances.

And in an attempt to make some sense of life, we try to rationalize a meaning out of it.

I struggled for many years through just such a process, attempting to make sense of things I experienced in my childhood, my teenage life, my first son requiring open heart surgery at 6 days old, the accident that scarred me for life, an employer who was admittedly incredibly selfish and so on.

I fought long and hard to come up with answers as to why these things happened. Until the day I realized that any answer I came up with was just an answer I made up.

And it didn’t matter anyway.

I think we look for a meaning so that we can feel significant. If something happened for a reason, then it wasn’t just a horrible event that we lived through, there was a purpose behind it. If it was just randomness , bad luck or evil, we feel alone, ignored and insignificant. 

If there was a purpose and a meaning, then it wasn’t just random, and we were ‘chosen’ to experience it, which elevates us to being significant, rather than just another random, faceless, insignificant victim.

So we try to find meaning in the most meaningless of things, to salvage our sense of significance, and it’s never going to be enough, because it’s a made up truth.

When I discovered that the answers were never going to make sense, I also realized that the only sense that will come from these experiences will be created in the life that I live in the future.

So I draw on the experiences of my childhood, and live the opposite, so my wife has never heard my voice raised at her, and I have a wonderful relationship with my children. I remember the difficulty of never fitting in as a teenager, and now offer guidance and support to those who do not feel like they belong. 

I draw from the pain of feeling helpless as I watched my son taken away for surgery, and I channel that emotion into compassion for those who are suffering. I remember feeling insignificant as an employee, and vow to be a kinder and better employer than I have experienced.

We cannot change the past, and making up a meaning for the things which happened is playing make believe. I do not believe that has the power to help anyone in the long term.

Instead, we can draw our sense of significance from the service we give in the future, precisely because of our past. In doing so, we can fulfill our needs for connection, certainty, significance, growth and contribution. I know of no other way than this.

I cannot help you change your past, but I hope in some way to help you become your future.

-- Dr.  Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: “There’s no point in being a grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes.”

“There’s no point in being a grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes.” :)

I love this quote. It’s from a show that was a huge inspiration to me growing up, and continues to help me learn and progress as an adult. Fiction is amazing that way.

It’s hard to find time to be child-like sometimes, as the responsibilities of all my roles weigh on me, and I see this universe through the eyes of an adult; weary, wary, watching and waiting for the next requirement that I have to fulfill.

How I wish I could find a way to return to the days of wonder, excitement and possibility of being a child, where my greatest responsibility was making sure I was wearing pants, and where a simple ice-cream could fill me full of joy and happiness.

I think many of us struggle as adults, because we are so weighed down with all that we feel like we have to accomplish, become, do. Other than making sure that our basic needs are met, the rest are self-assumed responsibilities that we ‘choose’ to take upon ourselves for fear that we are missing something.

Imagine if there was no one around to see you. Where would you live, what would you drive, what would you wear, how would you live? Who would you help, regardless of why they needed help, and who would you share with?

And then ask yourself why you can’t do this now.

I think we were more carefree as children because we hadn’t bought into the idea that we had to keep up. If you were lucky, you felt like your childhood was ‘enough’. 

I have found that those who never felt ‘enough’ in their childhood; because of peer pressure, expectations or the horrors of parental abuse, have a very hard time finding the balance of ‘enough’ as an adult.

Oh that we could take an afternoon, and see the world through our child-like eyes.

Imagine how kind our world could be if we could connect with the child inside.

And see the world in wonder.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Knowledge is the ultimate barrier to learning

Knowledge is the ultimate barrier to learning.

One of the best advertisements I’ve ever seen was a billboard over a gas station. It proclaimed an eternal truth that has stayed with me since that day.

“He who knows everything eventually turns 21”.

I spent time yesterday with a very dear friend who has been placed in the difficult situation of trying to share a truth with some people who are so sure of what they know, that they are immune to wisdom. 

Certain in their position, and with what I believe are truly good intentions, they are doubling down on a lifetime of mistakes as they try to deal with a situation primarily of their own making.

It’s hard watching this from afar, and seeing the damage being caused, and having very little ability to change the situation. 

And it has caused me to reflect back on all the times in my life when I clung to knowledge of which I was certain, and in retrospect was completely, utterly and incontrovertibly…

Wrong.

As I have progressed in my journey, I have come to the realization that I ‘know’ very little. In the past I would observe, and very quickly move to judgment, and what I thought was knowledge. 

Life has taught me some very expensive and painful lessons regarding such ‘knowledge’, and I have paid the price of my arrogance and desire for certainty.

No longer am I so dependent upon being ‘right’ that I can never be wrong. I lived like that out of fear of not being enough, and it prevented me from growing for so long.

I have also tried to refrain from sharing wisdom with people who already ‘know’ so much. It just annoys them, and I lose the chance to be of service in the future. I wait until questions are asked, and then try to help as I can. 

The less I ‘know’, the more open I am to learning new knowledge. This willingness to let go of certainty has often taken me to a place of insight, where I can learn new ‘truths’ to experiment with in the world.

The more I ‘know’ the less I learn. The less I ‘know’, the more the universe opens before me.

And I learn.

More.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: All that you carry

All that you carry.

“Why am I prickly?” she asked. The very question showed a growth that was encouraging. I replied “Because you carry in all your interactions a fear of being hurt”. She stopped, thought about this for a moment, and then thanked me.

It was a simple interaction with a dear friend, but it made me wonder about all the things I carry into my relationships.

And how many of them I could just let go.

All of us carry a burden in life. Our load is different from someone else’s, and at some times it is easy to carry. On other days, that burden threatens to bring us to our knees.

Yet as I examine all the things in my life that weigh me down, I come to the startling revelation that many of my burdens could be left at the side of the road, if only I had the courage to do so.

The constant battle in my soul of comparison to those around me could be replaced with gratitude for the people in my life, if only I had the courage to be enough rather than perfect.

The never ending fight to overcome my fear of failure could be replaced with the joy of discovery if I only had the courage to accept the occasional mistake as a price for mastery.

The eternal need to ‘become’ could be replaced by the peace of ‘being’ if only I had the courage to accept myself as I am.

The incessant desire to not be vulnerable could be replaced by much deeper relationships, if I only had to courage to accept the possibility of hurt as the price for friendship.

I feel that so many of us have heavy burdens that we could lay down at the side of the road. We could then walk onward, with a lighter load, and a greater joy in our heart.

What are the burdens that you could let go of? What metaphorical rocks in your backpack could you discard on your journey towards happiness.

Today, I beg with you to leave them, and progress on. Our world needs you to be authentically you, so that you might have a greater potential to serve.

Lay down your unnecessary burdens, and find yourself lighter.

Lay them down, and become more, and believe.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Your opinion is the only one that matters

Your opinion is the only one that matters.

Have you ever had someone try to praise you, or say nice things about you, and you immediately made some remark that either downplayed what they said, or said something that was negative about yourself? It’s like a reflex, something so ingrained into you that someone else’s good opinion is irrelevant.

The truth is, until you feel about yourself they way they talk about you, you’re always going to feel the urge to refute someone’s good opinion of you.

Because your opinion of you is ultimately the only one that matters. 

I’ve struggled for so long trying to find some semblance of self esteem, a kinder way of looking at myself, and a better balance to the constant question that I ask…

Am I a good man?

And over the last couple of years I’ve come to realize a truth that has allowed me to move forward. That is that if I want to have a better opinion of myself, I have to do things that I can feel good about.

Losing 140lbs in 18 months made me realize that I am not as weak as I thought I was. Skydiving, even though I was absolutely terrified, made me realize that I am braver than I thought I was. Writing these reflections, and being willing to have people read and comment on them helped me to realize that the last 30 years of trying to become a better person have yielded some improvement, and that I am slowly becoming a better person.

In truth, if you want to feel better about yourself, you have to do something that you can feel good about. Not something small, or easy, but something hard, something terrifying, something that requires every ounce of your courage, your hope and your dreams.

Putting your dreams out there, and knowing that you will still be you even if they are crushed beyond repair is the bravest action I can imagine. I am still struggling to get better at that.

When you do something that impresses yourself, you begin a journey along a pathway where the opinions of others become less and less important, and your own self knowledge and acceptance becomes your foundation and your rock.

If you want peace in your soul, you have to achieve it through struggle, through hardship and through a determined desire to become the person you always dream of being.

The only way I know to feel better about yourself is to give yourself reasons to like yourself.

Today I invite you to challenge yourself, and do something that will allow you to look at yourself differently.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The enemy I see every day

The enemy I see every day.

I’ve tried fighting him. He’s tough. I’ve gone out of my way to avoid him, but he’s still here. I’ve used every devious, fiendish, cunning, low and dirty trick I know to beat him.

And it’s not enough. He’s still here.

I see him first thing in the morning, and he’s there when I try to sleep at night. He’s relentless in his efforts to bring me down, and he’s always ready with a comment when I make a mistake.

Honestly, he scares me. He constantly tries to overcome me, especially in my weaker moments. Small suggestions, sudden reactions, irrational judgments and duplicitous manipulation are the weapons he brings to bear in his never ending desire to be free.

In times of fear, loneliness and frustration I am tempted to turn to him for solace, and he is always ready to attend me if I lose sight of who he is. The power that he offers is enormous, tempting and all so easy to put on, and so very difficult to take off.

All of us have a dark side, that part of our soul that desires to protect our ego at all costs. The ‘shadow’ in our soul that can be so destructive, divisive and dangerous. 

If you think you don’t have one, you have either reached the pinnacle of human spirituality, or are completely unaware. Honestly, the statistics are not on your side in the question.

Exploring our shadow is a painful journey, as we uncover the pain in our past, and move beyond that which hurts us. The realization that we can be a terrible person if we choose is a hard truth to face.

From my experience, the only way to win against your shadow is to accept that he (or she) is there. Learn why you react the way you do when your shadow is released. Then try to change the vulnerabilities and feelings that trigger the shadow.

This is not an easy or a quick proposition. The journey of awareness takes a long time, and the pain you will uncover along the way is difficult to endure.

But there will come a time when you and your shadow are friends. You will come to embrace your shadow for the scared child that they are.

Only by loving your enemy can you truly overcome them.

Only by loving yourself can you truly find peace.

And then you will awaken in a very different universe of possibilities.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Not all tears are a sorrow

Not all tears are a sorrow.

Twice in the last week someone has reached out to me, and told me that something I have written has created such an emotional release in them that they cried. 

While I am gratified that this work is helping people, I struggle with the concept of making someone cry, even though I know it has been a good thing.

Crying is a human universal constant. Despite the languages we speak, the creeds we profess, the circumstances of our birth or the burdens of our heart, all of us at some time cry. 

We cry as a result of pain, frustration, sadness and loss. Yet we also cry in joy, as a response to a moment of immense satisfaction, at a time of great relief, and most powerfully, at a realization of a breakthrough.

If you’ve never been with someone at the moment of a profound breakthrough, I can tell you that it is one of the most life affirming, powerful and soul searing experiences you can live through. 

I have been privileged in my work to see people reach new levels of awareness, and suddenly understand a truth that has eluded them for many years.

When you see another human being break out of their restrictions, and move into a greater level of understanding, it’s like seeing a soul born anew. To witness someone manifest a greater, kinder, more compassionate and more powerful awareness is a humbling thrill.

What better time to cry than at a birth, either that of the body, or at a new level of the soul?

Tears are really a sign that we are connecting with our deeper selves. Why we cry at times like this is still a mystery, but I like to think that tears of joy are a means of washing away the misunderstandings and fears that blind us to the possibility of all that we are. 

Crying can be an emotional cleansing, releasing all the hurts and pains that we are carrying, allowing us to rejoin our journey lighter, easier, and with a greater sense of peace.

Some of the happiest people I know are also those who cry easily, and without shame or fear of judgment. Whether by ourselves, or in the company of others, crying can be one of the most intimate, open, honest and vulnerable actions we can undertake.

The next time you feel inclined to cry, I invite you to allow that feeling to wash over you, and allow your tears to cleanse you. Either to release the pain you feel, or to release the joy that can enlighten you, your tears wash the pathway into your future.

When we cry, we allow others a glimpse into our soul.

-- Dr.Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: What didn’t happen can be more powerful than what did

What didn’t happen can be more powerful than what did.

Of all the things that we see in our past, the things that stand out are often the great or terrible things. 

Maybe it was the car for your graduation present, or the way you were left heartbroken after a breakup. We always remember the things that did happen.

But we rarely remember the things that didn’t.

Sometimes the absence of something is obvious; other times it is a silent, invisible void that lingers deep inside, hiding in plain sight from our awareness.

When a plant grows, it requires a few things. Good soil in which to plant roots, water to strengthen and sunlight to nourish. In the absence of anything destructive, a plant will grow to reach its full potential with very little needed from the outside world.

If only the human soul were so easy to flourish. Truly, the soul will grow in the absence of the things it requires, but it will likely grow imperfectly, with many deficiencies that are hard to see in ourselves.

Those who have sustained great abuse can point to the events in their lives and explain their heartache, their deficits and their failings, with a certain ease. 

Those who grew in the absence of necessary emotional components are scarred not by something they can point to, but by the lack of something they probably didn’t even know was supposed to be there.

A child who grows up without being taught how to face their fears will forever run, and not know why. The child who grows without a family that they can trust will often spend their life emotionally withdrawn from those around them, feeling apart, alone and abandoned.

In my work as a healer, I find many people who are hurting because of the absence of something in their life, but they are unaware of how this absence has hurt them. Instead they flounder, seeking answers for their pain in the events that occurred, and never stopping to consider that which was denied them.

The vacuum that makes no sound, and cannot be seen, can still wound and kill. 

I invite you today to look into your soul, at those things which might disturb your peace, and consider whether this may be from the lack of something that was supposed to be there, but never quite appeared in your life.

When we understand the effects of a void in our life, we are one step closer to finding peace in ourselves.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Owning yourself is the greatest freedom

Owning yourself is the greatest freedom.

Over and over I ask people this question, and they seem shocked when they realize they can’t clearly express their reply…

When did you give up ownership of your opinion of yourself?

I think many of us live this way, and some are aware and struggle to overcome it, and a few succeed. From birth, we are surrounded by the opinions of others. As we grow, the opinions of those closest to us are of paramount important as we form our self identity, our opinion of ourselves. 

As we move through the teenage years, there should be a transition to a ‘self-identity’ based on our own understanding of ourselves, our own judgment. 

Not that we necessarily know all that there is to know about who we are, but as we grow through those formative years, there should come a point when we are secure in the knowledge and judgment of ourselves so that the opinions of others become less relevant.

But often, far too often, this doesn’t happen. Especially those who grow up in a childhood of expectations where their ‘value’ as a person is directly tied to the ‘social status’ of a parent who needs their child to ‘be’ something, in order to gain a sense of accomplishment or value from the actions of their children.

The unfortunate people who grow up in these situations endeavour to find their own sense of self, and will often carry deep identity wounds. 

They will struggle later in life to break free of the programming that was unconsciously wired into them by a well meaning but unaware parent, who just did not understand what their expectations were doing to their children.

Do you find yourself at the mercy of the opinions of others? Are you confident in your own value, so that you can withstand the judgment of those who would attempt to tell you who you are?

If you find that other people can make you feel badly about yourself, then you have, at some time, given over ownership of your identity to others, and are probably suffering at the lack of your own strong self opinion. 

If this is you, I invite you to meditate today on the events in the past where the forceful opinions or actions of someone in your life created in you an uncertainty as to your own worth. Then, try to understand why that person may have acted that way. 

As you become more aware of the influences on your own opinion, you can begin to give a different meaning to the past, and find your way into a more kind, gentle and self-affirming future.

Taking back your worth, through a more certain opinion of who you are, is a wonderful step on the pathway to peace.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Life is beautiful

Life is beautiful.

But I’ll tell you what it isn’t. It’s never simple. It’s never so simple that you don’t have to think about it. It’s never so calm that you don’t have to hold on.

Real life is messy. If it’s not, you’re wasting it. Life is terror and joy; panic and victory. There’s clutter, and chaos, and moments of beautiful harmony where the notes all play together and the melody becomes clear.

Until it fades again into random noise, and the light dims, and once again you’re searching in the darkness trying to make sense of what just happened, and all of what could be.

There’s pain and pleasure, silence and thunder, eternities and instants, all wrapped up in a sequence of events where you can’t remember the start, and you have no idea where or if there is ever an ending.

You’ll love, lose, care and feel like you’ve never known, and you’ll know heartache, heartbreak and loss.

The times that you think you know what’s happening next are the times where you’ll stand amazed, and the times when you are lost, you’ll find a light in the darkness to show you the way home.

There will be days when you will never sleep, and days when all you want to do is fade out. You will find people who treat you better than you could ever hope, and those who will treat you like you never would.

In the midst of the struggle you will find the strength you never knew existed, and in the midst of the calm you will experience the thrill of knowing that you survived another storm.

This life is a game, and there are days where you win, and days where you lose. Times when the only way is up, and times when you are so raised up that you’ll never see how you could come down.

We spend far too much of our energy focusing on the problems, and far too little seeing all the beauty, majesty, wonder and kindness in the world.

The secret of life is simple to learn, but so hard to master.

Be grateful, be a healer, be the person you know you can despite all that says you can’t. Don’t give in to hatred, don’t give into fear. Don’t be afraid of your strength, and don’t worry about your weaknesses. We all have them. It’s what makes us human.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, your life is a precious gift. Who cares if it’s not what you thought; it’s better than it could be.

Please stop wasting time being anyone other than you. Be you. 100%. Live, laugh, love, care, cry, console, commiserate, scream, shout. Just be the very best you that you can.

And most of all be kind.

Now run, and remember.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: What were you born to do?

What were you born to do?

If there has been one question that I have struggled with in my life, it’s that one. Was I born just to live, love, grow old and experience that which life has to offer? 

There was a time in my younger years when that was enough, but as I have grown older, and become more aware of who I am, I have felt the irresistible pull of the highest of our 6 human needs.

I have felt a deep, overwhelming desire to contribute, and make a difference in the world. This work, these reflections, is part of that desire to share the things I have learned in the hope that I might lessen the suffering of others. 

I heard once that your life begins on the day you find out why you are here, and I completely agree with that statement. 

So I would ask you – why are you here, and how do you know when you have found your purpose?

Why is purpose important? Because purpose brings its own magic, its own power and a sense of serving something greater than yourself. When you find your purpose, the universe seems to align, and opportunities and knowledge flow towards you.

I had the chance once to sit down with an older lady who was crying profusely, and talk with her about her problems. She opened up to me, and shared the deepest concerns of her heart.

In the space of about 45 minutes, we were able to help her find a truth in her own mind which gave her a direction that had eluded her for over 20 years. Although the solution to her problem was hard, she found a strength in that truth that supported her, and gave her the courage to do what she knew she must.

I cannot tell you to this day how I knew the right things to say to her to help her. I believe it was my purpose coming out in me, and allowing me to be a conduit for knowledge and healing.

When I act in accordance with my purpose, there is such a sense of alignment with the universe that I find it hard to contain my joy. Watching people grow into themselves and find a greater sense of peace and happiness is a humbling thrill that never gets old. 

Indeed, it is becoming an addiction that I feel will be with me until my last breath.

If you have never seriously considered your purpose, I would beg you to start now. I believe with all my heart that each of us has something of good to offer to the rest of humanity, and that becoming a more purpose centered people will lift us to the heights of which we are capable.

When you find your purpose, all of your previous experiences will be seen anew, as lessons you had to learn to bring you to the place where you can serve today. 

Find your purpose; live it, love it, and lose yourself in it. 

And you will have joy.

-- Dr.Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Certainty is the refuge of the fearful

Certainty is the refuge of the fearful.

Each of us try to live in the balance of gratitude and desire. Being grateful does not mean you do not desire certain events or things, and desiring things does not mean that you are not grateful for what you have or what has already occurred.

The balance between the two is a careful dance, and sometimes that balance is over-ridden by a need that is desperately unbalanced. The greatest disruptor of balance that I have found is fear.

Fear can be our guide, our guardian and our protector, but when it overpowers us, then fear becomes our prosecutor, our punisher and our tormentor.

In my coaching, I have found that those who are the most fearful tend to crave certainty. This desperate desire for things to turn out the way they are expected or wanted is nothing more than a wish to avoid the potential pain that uncertainty could bring.

Those who crave certainty will often accept a painful certain now, rather than risk a potentially painful future, because the presence of hope brings with it the risk of disaster.

So they take refuge in certainty, even in misery, to avoid the pain that possibility brings.

A need for certainty can show itself in expectations that are unspoken, in a desire to always be right no matter the situation, and often in a refusal to listen to or consider another’s point of view.

Pitied be those who live in dogma, for they fear the possibility of a new frontier.

When you come across people who are desperate for certainty, I would ask you to look beyond their initial behavior, and try to go deeper to see what fear they are attempting to assuage. 

Maybe it is the need to be right to avoid feeling inferior, or the need to be loved to avoid a sense of loneliness and despair.

Truthfully, they who need certainty are often those who desperately need a sense of themselves greater than the fears that they manifest. Theirs is an existence of unhappiness and unbalanced emotions that prevents them from finding wonder in the new, and joy in the possibility on their journey.

Certainty is their drug, their hope, and their prison.

Treat them with kindness, and invite them to step beyond the walls of their fears.

Welcome them into the light.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The quality of your relationships depends upon your vulnerability

The quality of your relationships depends upon your vulnerability.

The quality of your life is dependent upon the quality of your relationships. As one of our 6 human needs is connection, the ability to connect deeply with another human being is essential. Connection gives value to our lives, and helps us in the creation of our personality, our security and our humanity.

More and more these days we see people forming superficial realationships. As we grow in our ability to communicate with many, it seems that we are deeply connected to so few.

And we as a species, a society, and as individuals, are suffering for it.

The key to deeper relationships seems to be our willingness to allow ourselves to be vulnerable with others. But vulnerability is scary, and so many of us practice a form of relationship where we share some, but not all, of the truths of our hearts. Fear of judgment, of misunderstanding and of ridicule prevent us from truly opening ourselves to another.

But only when we are truly vulnerable can we let another get close enough to us that our relationship can grow. All of us have our weaknesses, our jealousies, our insecurities, but so many of us hide these in the darkness, and bring them not into the light of friendship.

True friendship does not judge; it observes. True friendship does not ridicule; it embraces. True friendship does not treat lightly the wounds of another’s soul; it binds up those wounds with understanding, compassion and loyalty.

Today, I invite you to share deeper in your relationships. Tell those you trust how you are really feeling, what you are really afraid of, what you really hope to become.

Go deeper in your relationships, and you will find a greater abundance of peace in your soul as you walk your journey in the company of good, kind and loyal friends.

For there is nothing greater in the destruction of fear than the light of friendship shining from one who is compassionate.

Let that light cleanse your soul, and drive out the darkness that plagues you.

Be that light, and receive that light.

And glow.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Soul cleanse

Soul cleanse.

There are times I feel weighed down by all the responsibilities in my life. The fact that many of them are self assumed makes no difference. I am a husband, a father, a son-in-law, a brother-in-law, an uncle, a Doctor, a teacher, a friend. 

To some I am a ‘wise man’ (whatever that means) and for some I am an inspiration. I am honored to fulfill all these roles, although often I struggle to do each of them justice.

It’s a lot to carry, and sometimes I find myself being weighed down with all that I feel I should be accomplishing. Do you ever feel this way? My guess is that I am not alone.

I think we all feel overwhelmed sometimes with the pressures of life. 

This weekend for Mother’s Day, my wife and I went for a drive again into the mountains. Even though the road was a little slick from rain, and the sky was at times overcast, I still experienced that feeling of relief when, for just a little while, my responsibilities were reduced to just driving a car, and admiring the majesty of the river, the pine trees, the sky, the mountains, the snow and the quiet.

During one rainstorm, we exited the car, and I felt the simple joy of rain pouring down on me. The moment for me was like a soul cleanse, and I felt lighter, more at peace, and more firmly planted on my journey. 

It was like the rain was washing away both the pressures of my life, and also the build up on my soul. Gone were the insecurities that cause me to doubt, the comparisons that make me feel less than I can be, the judgments that cause separation from those around me, and the selfishness that makes me hold back when I could give more of myself in service to others.

For a brief time, I felt like the world was simply there for me to experience and share. In wonder, I saw the mist through the mountains; in awe I saw the majesty of the pine trees; in rapture I listened to the river; and in peace I marveled at the simple beauty of life.

I returned at the end of the day to my normal life, which isn’t ‘normal’ at all. That’s the real beauty of a soul-cleanse…it helps you to see the things around you that are miraculous and beautiful.

I saw with a soul washed clean of fears and doubts.

I saw in wonder.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings