Morning Reflection: The balance of my soul

The balance of my soul.

This one is personal, but I hope you’ll forgive me, because there is a reflection in here I promise :)

The picture that accompanies my words today was taken a couple of weeks ago, and has become probably my favorite picture of my wife.

We were out for the evening together, and I took this picture because I had one of those moments where it was hard to express how truly, madly, deeply and completely I felt love for her.

In over 20 years of marriage, our relationship has grown deeper every year. Every so often, I look back at how I thought I loved her in the past, and it seems like it was incomplete.

Every time my love for her increases, I find a new level of appreciation, a more resonant desire to be in her presence, and a stronger commitment to do all in my power to make her happy. I can’t explain the comfort I find in my soul when she is near me.

She is an amazing mother to our 2 wonderful children. They truly love her. It is an awe inspiring sight to see your 19 year old son walk up to his mother in the kitchen and demand a hug that lasts for a long time, just because he loves her.

My 17 year old texts her throughout the day, because he wants to feel connected to her. I gaze in wonder as I see them talking to her, sharing their thoughts and asking her advice.

They, and I, love her with a depth of feeling that I think she struggles to realize.

Because all she sees is her imperfections.

Truly, she is not perfect. She has her flaws, her weaknesses, her fears, her sense of inadequacy and her fear of disappointing people, but these are so small when compared to her strengths, her capabilities, and her kindness.

If I asked her to describe herself, she would struggle to use words that were positive.

She is the person who balances my soul, lifts me when I am down, helps me make sense of my struggles, and who has believed in me when I had lost all sense of belief in myself.

She has saved me from my doubts, and had the courage to take us both in a direction that filled me full of doubt, and her full of confidence. In doing so, she probably saved my life, and gave me the freedom to become the writer of these reflections.

If all you see in the mirror are your imperfections, please think about this woman. Her name is Holly.

She is the center of my universe and all she sees are her flaws, her troubles, her blemishes. I see so much more in her than she can understand.

If you cannot see your value, please allow someone else to see who you really are, and believe them when they tell you so.

Happy Mother's Day sweetheart. I love you.

-- Alan
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Until you make peace with yourself, everyone else owns a piece of your happiness

Until you make peace with yourself, everyone else owns a piece of your happiness.

I used to think that I attracted those who had been emotionally impacted, or to use another word – damaged. Wherever I go, I seem to find people who have been hurt, abused, scarred and mistreated. They share their stories, and I weep to see the pain that they carry inside.

Over time, I came to understand that it wasn’t that I attract those people, it’s that there are LOT of them out there, and I was just paying attention. 

Pain and struggle are not the burden of the few, rather they are the hallmark of what it means to be human. No life is without trial. It can manifest in different ways, different agonies, a different flavor of hell, but the truth is that we all experience it at some point.

But I think one of the saddest wounds I see time and time again is the damage inflicted, often unknowingly, by a parent who fails to realize the impact of their behavior on a child.

Growing up is hard, and a child who is not afforded the freedom to grow into the person they truly are with acceptance can spend the rest of their life in depression because of who they are not, and despair because of who they think they have become.

When you are not at peace with yourself, this leaves you at the mercy of everyone else’s opinions. The thoughts of those who do not fully know you or understand you can be devastating to your sense of self, leaving you bruised, bleeding and broken emotionally.

The person who knows themselves fully, and has accepted their strengths, their weakness, their history and their future is the person who is at peace, because the opinions of others can no longer impact their sense of who they are. 

These are they who are calm in the face of criticism, because their self opinion is not longer at the mercy of others.

This is a difficult process, that takes time, desire, a willingness to rise after falling and often the help of good people who will tell you the truth with compassion, kindness and honesty.

Although it is a simple concept, it is hard to work through, but it can be done. On the other side of that storm is a peace that surprises all who discover it. 

When you make peace with yourself, no one owns your happiness, but you.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Kindness is the new sexy

Kindness is the new sexy.

Have you ever met someone who was physically attractive, but mentally and emotionally they were the last person you could ever see yourself with? 

Maybe it was the way they talked or laughed. Maybe it was their political persuasion, or their choice of profanity in their communication, or their sense of humor.

Whatever the reason, you realized that even though this person met your definition of attractive by their physical form, the soul inside the substance was never going to work for you. The Lego will never fit together, and you knew that nothing could make it work.

We’ve all been there.

Many years ago, the women in the office I practiced in asked me to look through a magazine claiming to rank the ‘sexiest women’ of the year. They wanted to know who I thought was attractive. I went page by page, giving my honest opinion. 

At the end of the magazine, one of the women made an interesting observation. Apparently, all the women I identified as attractive had one thing in common.

They had a kind smile.

I’ve wondered about that over the years since, and realized a powerful truth. The most unattractive people I have ever encountered also had one thing in common – a lack of kindness.

Why is kindness sexy? Kindness is the highest human behavior. Kindness occurs when we give away our own concerns, and embody the spirit of love as we treat another consciousness in a way that recognizes their worth.

When I observe someone who is kind, I know there will also be a touch of humility, a sense of service, a current of compassion and some seasoning to the soul. People who are kind are, in my experience, more willing to listen, to grow, to uplift, and to embrace.

To me, kindness is the greatest sign of a mind that is awakened, aware, beautiful and benevolent. The soul possessed of kindness promises progression, peace, introspection and wisdom.

No matter how ‘perfect’ the physique, if the soul lacks kindness, then the person is shallow.

Today, I invite you to practice kindness, and see how attractive you can become.

-- Dr.  Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: If I can’t say it with kindness, better not to say it at all

If I can’t say it with kindness, better not to say it at all. 

Yesterday I managed to do something that’s very hard for me. Something that I have been practicing for years, and occasionally manage to get right.

I said nothing.

Anyone who I have coached, or who has heard me speak in public, or even who just knows me on a casual basis, will tell you that I’m either very quiet, or I’m speaking a mile a minute. I love to discuss ideas, concepts, philosophies and paradigms. I asked a lot of questions as a child, and that has not changed.

Yesterday I was in a group setting, when the subject of addictions came up. That’s always a topic that I have strong opinions on, and usually I’m ready to voice those opinions forcefully. 

As someone who grew up in an alcoholic home, and whose own addiction with food nearly killed me, I have spent years trying to understand the nature of behavior and addiction. I have come to have more compassion for those addicted, and to see the addiction as a symptom of pain, not as a weakness of character.

The group yesterday contained a range of opinions; some that seemed very judgmental and accusatory to those who struggle with addiction. Their judgment, and seeming lack of compassion and kindness, struck a nerve in me, and I felt a strong desire to engage with the people expressing those opinions. 

But I didn’t.

Because truthfully, at that point, I was doing exactly the same thing that they were doing. I was judging, and feeling less than compassionate toward them. 

In the heat of the moment I felt that my opinion, based on 30 years of studying self awareness and a Doctoral degree in a healthcare discipline, was superior to theirs. I’m saddened to admit that, but honestly, that’s how it felt.

My desire to ‘enlighten them’ was not coming from a place of kindness, or a desire to find the ‘balance of forces’ that I have previously written about. I just wanted to show them why they were wrong. My ego wanted to be right.

Judgment, it seems, is one of my personal addictions.

So I chose the path of silence, and others in the group were able to voice some of the opinions that I wished to share. They did it in a way that was more balanced, and probably more kind, than I would have done, and for that I am grateful.

Painful experience has taught me that when I feel like I am ‘right’, I have a tendency to neglect kindness, and that, for me, is a far greater failing.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Celebrate Joy

Celebrate Joy

This weekend I was blessed to attend 2 graduation ceremonies at our local university. I had friends graduating in both ceremonies, and I loved the chance to be in the arena, to feel of the energy, the love and the optimism.

As each graduate was announced, cheers and screams burst forth from family, friends and probably complete strangers. It was that kind of an event. Yes there was decorum at the start, and structure and respect as befitting the institution of education, and the ideals for which it stands.

But when it came to the individuals, it was time to celebrate with abandon.

And I’ve realized that we don’t do that enough. Graduating college is a fantastic achievement, made possible many hours of hard work, struggle and tears. It’s a huge moment, where dreams turn into reality, and the doorway to the future swings open, full of promise and possibility.

But we don’t need to wait for monumental occasions to take time out to celebrate. We need to do that in the small victories, the quiet moments, the times when we overcome a weakness, break through a fear and recognize our worth.

Those are moments that deserve a celebration as well.

Today, I want to invite you to find a reason to celebrate. It doesn’t have to be something large; it’s almost better if it’s something small that you can overdo the celebration of. 

Look at it as a chance to teach yourself how to celebrate. 

Maybe put on some music, dance when no one can see you, eat something you want, buy something that you would like and can afford.

You are worth celebrating. I spent so many years of my life failing to celebrate small victories because I thought it wasn’t worth it unless it was something enormous that I could be happy about. 

Don’t waste your time like that. Work hard, then celebrate harder.

In time, you can train yourself to achieve more than you thought possible, by knowing that there is a celebration just around the corner.

Celebrate you, celebrate joy, celebrate friendship, celebrate life.

And believe.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Giving yourself permission to be human

Giving yourself permission to be human.

A dear friend reached out to me yesterday to share some important breakthroughs that we have been helping her achieve. 

For a significant time now, she has been struggling to understand some facets of her personality and emotions that were difficult to explain, and even harder to work through.

As we talked, she shared some very tough emotions, and some long hidden truths. I was so gratified to be able to be present at a time when she was making such a leap forward on her journey, and humbled and honored by the trust that she placed in me by sharing such personal experiences.

As we finished talking, she indicated to me that she wanted to go and bake some brownies. She laughed, and told me that she realized that would be emotional eating and so she wasn’t going to do that. 

I think I surprised her when I told her that the brownies were a great idea, and that she should reward herself for the breakthroughs that she had made. The brownies were made, and apparently were very good.

It helped me reflect on the truth that sometimes we try so hard to be ‘everything’ at once that we overwhelm ourselves, and end up losing ground on all of our struggles. 

Eating brownies, even for emotional reasons, is not the end of the world. Emotionally, my friend was exhausted, and needed a pick me up as well as a celebration.

Why do we struggle sometimes to extend to ourselves the kindness that we offer to others? Why do we labor under the mistaken belief that we have to be perfect in order to have any value? Who taught us that perfection was the only state worthy of the love and affection of another?

Today, I ask you to find love for yourself, and an acceptance of who you are. I doubt you are perfect, but I am sure that if we were to talk, one with another, I could find many good things about you that would be worth celebrating.

You have value, and are worthy of love, just by showing up as a human being. Remember that we are human beings, not humans finished. 

All of us are on the same journey, and wherever you are on that road, whatever you have been through, you have my respect and admiration. 

I am grateful for your presence on this earth, and for the goodness you manifest. 

Celebrate yourself. You’re worth it.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The way I see others tells me about myself

The way I see others tells me about myself.

For years, I struggled with being extremely judgmental. Not only with people I knew, but with random strangers, and occasional acquaintances. Not that I would verbalize these judgments, but they were there in the back of my mind. 

Almost always these judgments were negative, either assigning people as lower than me so I could feel superior, or believing that they were better than me, reinforcing my secret wound that I was inferior. This was not something I was necessarily aware of; it was something that was occurring deep in my mind, away from immediate examination.

I have mediated rather frequently recently on how judgment creates a statement about someone’s worth or value, while observation and discernment note the same characteristics or actions, but without any inference of value for the person.

As I have worked through my journey of self awareness, I have come to realize that the behaviors I judge in others are often ones that I find abhorrent in myself. In this way, I found a new understanding to parts of my soul that were causing me pain.

The more you dislike yourself, the more you will dislike those around you. The more you judge others for being human, the more you can understand the human frailties in you that frustrate you.

Conversely, the more you come to love and accept yourself as having value and worth, the more you will see that in the people with whom you interact and associate. You will find yourself possessed of a deeper compassion for those around you, even those who frustrate you.

Now, instead of judging the person who stands with a sign on a street corner with derision and scorn, I find myself having compassion, wondering how they came to be at that place, and asking myself what it would really take to make a long lasting change for them. I find myself with greater patience for those who do not treat me with kindness, desiring to understand how I can lift them through our interactions.

This has not come easy, and I still have a long way to go, but I am encouraged by the changes I am making and seeing in myself. 

I seek a future where I am filled with understanding, compassion, kindness, patience and ultimately peace. 

The way you judge others is a pathway to understanding your own feelings, and ultimately it can help you find peace within your soul, if you desire it.

--  Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The chasm between knowing and feeling

The chasm between knowing and feeling.

Have you ever known that what you were feeling was not how you should be reacting, but you felt powerless to change or control it?

My guess is that you have been there; I think we all have. 

Anyone who has any amount of self awareness comes one day to the knowledge that their reactions, their unconsidered emotions, are not necessarily in alignment with how they could be. Then they start down that long road of trying to understand why.

I had an experience a few weeks ago that gave me a different perspective on this problem that I share today in the hopes that it may be of some benefit.

An event occurred in my life, one that was explainable with a myriad of reasons. A person acted towards me in a certain way, and although I could have interpreted their behavior differently, at my core I felt very sad and rejected.

While I felt this sadness envelop me, I was also aware that this event could mean something completely different but no matter how hard I tried, I seemed unable to shake the feelings that plagued me.

After a very long and sleepless night, I decided to abandon trying to change the feelings, and instead tried to understand where they came from, and why I couldn’t set them down and walk free of them. 

I knew that my knowledge and feelings were out of alignment, but I needed to know why.

After much reflection, I stumbled upon the understanding that I was viewing these events through one of my ‘soul-wounds’, which is a way of describing a deep and painful emotional scar that pervades the mind and affects the way we think and behave. 

In this case, the actions of the other person resonated with my wound, which essentially is a belief that I am not worthy of good things happening to me. I was unable to ‘walk away from the feeling’ because we often find it easier to accept a bad certainty now, than to risk hope that could turn into pain in the future.

My wound became the lens through which the event was viewed and my certainty need was pushing me to accept a painful emotion now, to protect me in the future.

Eventually, after this understanding came to me, I was able to allow the emotions to wash over me, and fall from me. It took time, but understanding why helped me to find a way through the darkness.

If you are struggling to cross the chasm between knowing and feeling, I invite you to accept the feelings, and instead of trying to change them right now, seek to understand their genesis.

Awareness and understanding are the first steps on the road to peace.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: What do you see reflected in the darkness when there is no light?

Q: What do you see reflected in the darkness when there is no light?

A: I see the light of the vision I carry within.

Of all creatures on this beautiful earth, we as people are blessed not only with sentience, but the ability to imagine. To imagine is to pierce the veil of time, and entwine our desires with the possibilities of tomorrow. 

Imagination allows us to see the potential beauty in untouched stone, the possible grandeur of an unpainted canvas, and the promise of a new born child to become a wise leader bringing guidance and peace to those who will listen.

But sometimes, imagination is not enough of itself. Sometimes we have to wed imagination to passion, potential to power and possibility to determination.

In order to achieve our greatest potential, we need to go beyond imagination, and seek a vision to guide us when there is no light, and to give direction to our decisions in the darkness.

Seeking a vision requires deep meditation, yet sometimes a vision will find you. Not in images, but in feelings, in certainty, and in emotion. When it arrives, it breaks down the walls of your doubt, and sets your feet on a pathway towards your dreams and your destiny.

When your vision is woven through your soul, it will become more powerful than you can imagine. Hearts will change, obstacles will remove, power will be yours in abundance and you will feel like you have become a passenger, carried along on a wave of purpose that lifts you as you lift others.

Embrace your vision, and let it light you from within. When finally you see the pathway before you, you will realize that you have always known these steps, and are remembering a dance not forgotten, just misplaced for a season.

In a universe of chaos, your vision will guide you, empower you, engage you and envelop you. A vision that can change you can change the world.

You have this power, if only you will see in vision your own possibility.

Find your vision, wrap your soul in its warmth, and move forwards forever on your journey.

So I ask, what do you see?

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Amazing is the new normal

Amazing is the new normal.

If you could see where your life is now, from when you were 5 years old, how amazed would you be? Would you consider it magical?

The lives we live today are blessed beyond understanding. We live at a time where our health is better than ever, our communications and access to information is faster than it has ever been, and where our quality of life has a greater potential than many of us would have ever thought possible.

And still people, including me, seem possessed by a quiet yet pervasive need to ‘over-produce’ their lives. An invitation to a dance is now an event in itself. A meal with family is not complete without Tweets, Instagrams, YouTube videos and Facebook sharing. A wedding turns into a production to rival a Hollywood movie of years past. In our need to over-do anything, we are losing our appreciation of everything.

When I was 5 years old, if you had shown me that I would be able to share my thoughts with people all around the world from my own home, I would have marveled at the technology and considered my life to be wonderful. 

If I had known that I could access millions of songs, and hundreds of thousands of books within an instant, I would have been amazed, and desperate to enjoy that life.

Now, I find myself taking it for granted.

In a world full of wonders, we have lost our sense of the wonderful, and we allow the ever rising apex of what is possible to denigrate our appreciation of what we can do.

How can I regain my sense of wonder and appreciation for ‘the normal and the everyday’? I believe for me it starts by slowing down and focusing in the moment on what I do have, what I can do. Focusing on the service I can give today brings me into the moment and reduces my interest in the possible and onto that which is performable.

Life is miraculous, fragile, beautiful, fleeting and wonderful.

May we try to find a greater peace in the everyday, and worry less about what we see in our newsfeeds.

Life, in all of its majesty, comes down to the quality of our relationships, not the quantity of those who observe us from afar.

Today, I invite you to focus on the everyday, and find wonder.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Trying to be good, and failing dismally

Trying to be good, and failing dismally.

Of all the emotions that we are capable of as human beings, one of my least favorite is gloating. I think there is nothing more disheartening than to see someone feeling superior at their interpretation of someone else’s inferiority, or someone else’s tragedy.

And I hate it most of all when I see that emotion surface in myself. 

This is a hard reflection to write, but I feel that if I don’t, I won’t be being honest with you.

I have 3 people in my life who have been anti-heroes for me. Their actions, words and attitudes have created pain and discomfort in my life, and I struggle profoundly with extending to them the forgiveness and compassion that I wish to.

Yesterday I came across a news article that reported an event that I am sure caused one of those people great pain and heartache. A child of this person committed acts that were shameful, cruel, despicable and reprehensible. 

Especially given who this person is, and their desire to be admired by others, the actions of their adult child must have been incredibly difficult to endure, and cast a shadow over their carefully cultivated image. 

And for a short period of time, I am sad to say, I took pleasure in knowing this. I am not proud of that emotion.

My gloating was in short time displaced by a sense of grieving for those who were hurt by the circumstances that were reported, but I cannot deny that for a brief while, I felt vindicated in my unkind emotions towards this person who caused me pain so many years ago.

Sometimes the reflections of ourselves are not those we would like to see.

I know where these feelings come from, and what they mean for me. They indicate that I still have a long journey ahead of me in my desire to become the peacemaker I believe I was born to be.

I am encouraged though, because even during the small time I was gloating, I at least knew it was out of alignment with my ideals. The voice of my better self was working on me, allowing me to examine the reflection of the feelings I was experiencing, and carefully, kindly and quietly inviting me to be the better person.

The truth is that we are all on a journey, and no matter where we are, we all stumble. The good news is that as we pick ourselves up, we can apologize, learn, grow and overcome the parts of our nature that prevent us from being all that we can be.

Thank you for all of your comments and kindness as I have shared these reflections. Your words have touched me, moved me and edified me. You are helping me become a better person, and for that I am eternally grateful.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: When loving is the hardest thing

When loving is the hardest thing.

If there is one constant through the majority of the world’s wisdom literature, it is the necessity of love. Love transforms, love sustains, love refines. Love brings meaning to our relationships, and sanctifies our soul in the service of others.

But love is not always easy.

I have a good friend who struggles greatly with loving a niece of hers. The niece, a young girl, is not an easy fit for the family she was born into, and is a great challenge for my friend to love. 

The niece’s behavior is suggestive of deeply unmet needs of significance and connection, and also some selfishness, which in itself is not unexpected in a young girl of her age. 

My friend finds this young niece very difficult to love, and her body language, her tone of voice, and her reactions can leave the young niece in no doubt of my friend’s feelings towards her.

So why does my friend struggle to love this child? Truthfully, she struggles to love herself. Therefore she is unconsciously focused on her own needs within the relationship, and her niece’s behavior annoys and frustrates her (because it violates my friend’s significance and certainty needs). 

She is unable to let go of how this child makes her feel, and instead love the child for who she is rather than how she behaves.

We all struggle with this to some degree. I know I do.

This creates a problem in that my friend’s actions create a barrier to her being able to influence her niece, who has needs of her own. This young girl, who has obvious needs for significance and connection, cannot help but feel derision, dislike and disdain from her aunt. 

This creates negative feelings towards her aunt, and the whole relationship becomes one continual circle of struggle and rejection.

All for the lack of love.

When my friend is able to love herself more, she will become less reactive to the behavior of her niece, and hopefully will become more loving and accepting of her niece, regardless of how her niece chooses to act. 

In time, as the niece slowly realizes that she is loved for who she is and not how she behaves (which will meet her needs of love and connection), she will naturally become more receptive to the love which her aunt will feel, and the relationship will progress. 

The niece will become more open and willing to listen to the suggestions of her aunt, and both can have their needs met, and create a bond that will last forever.

All because of the presence of love.

Today I beg you, with all the energy I posses, to start your journey of self acceptance and self love. 

There is no telling how many hearts you might heal in addition to your own.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The very first reflection

The very first reflection.

I was meditating today on the most fundamental changes that I have ever seen in people. I have helped people lose weight, I have helped others overcome fears, repair relationships, find clarity and even helped a wonderful woman make a change that she had been putting off for almost 30 years that massively affected her life.

But the greatest changes I have ever seen, are those moments when someone takes their first step inwards. This work is titled reflections because if we are really to journey towards peace, kindness, compassion and love, we have to start with the person we see in the mirror.

It is far too easy to be focused away from ourselves. The world has many things upon which we can shower judgment. The cruelty of life, the foolishness of others, the meanness of the petty and the stupidity of those with whom we do not agree.

I used to spend too many days bemoaning my fate to a universe that did not respond, and blaming any and everyone for my unhappiness.

Eventually, if you are granted enough time, you will finally reach the understanding that the only influence you really have, is on yourself.

With a heavy heart, and with fear and doubt, you turn your focus inward. The outer world becomes quieter, as the actions of others pale in comparison with your own. Those who frustrated you before become less important, as you realize how much you frustrate yourself. The actions of others bother you less, as you become more concerned with how you treat others, rather than how they treat you.

If you are able to find a way to create a peace within, you will then return to a world far different from the one you left.

You will find a greater compassion, replacing scorn. You will discover a deeper kindness, replacing your once shallow disdain. If you are very lucky, you will find a never ending wellspring of love replacing a previous chalice of hatred.

The journey through your own soul, starting with the very first reflection of yourself, is the greatest, most painful, most rewarding and hardest endeavor you can undertake.

But the prize of knowing yourself fully, and liking who you find, is the greatest treasure you can ever receive.

Know yourself, with compassion, and you will have a greater measure of peace than you could have ever thought possible.

It all starts with the first reflection.

A reflection of you.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: One limiting belief can scar a lifetime

One limiting belief can scar a lifetime.

Yesterday I wrote about how I find it difficult to face my soul in silence and how we sometimes adopt beliefs that are not in our best interests, but that we never realize are damaging us.

Today I will share a very personal example, in the hope that it might help you on your journey of self discovery.

For as long as I can remember, I have had a very difficult time asking for money, even though I have earned it. This has plagued me for many years, and has caused so much difficulty and sadness, especially working as a doctor in a small practice.

This, in turn, has caused heartache within my marriage. I was unable to explain to anyone, especially myself, why this was so hard for me. It was only through deep personal meditation, and many, many hours of self reflection that I was able to uncover the belief and the event that caused it.

When I was somewhere around 10 years old, one experience changed my life in a minute or two. We were living in a rented house, and due to my Father’s drinking were unable to pay the rent. One afternoon a bailiff knocked on the door, and confronted my Mom about the unpaid rent. I specifically remember him asking her for the money, and the look in her eyes when she said she didn’t have it.

I remember his scorn and lack of compassion when he told her she had two weeks to come up with the money or we would be evicted. I will never forget the tears streaming down her face, as she closed the door, and walked back into the kitchen weeping and trembling. I will also never forget how helpless I felt, seeing my Mom in so much pain, and being unable to make her feel better.

At that moment, my soul was burned with the belief that asking people for money created the same pain in them that it did to my Mom, and somewhere deep in my subconscious I vowed to never be that man who could cause someone that pain.

In one decision, in a state of intense pain, a limiting belief was formed which to this day haunts me. While the upper portions of my brain can realize the misunderstanding, the lower, deeper, older portions of my brain, where feeling is stored, still feels the decision and reacts accordingly.

This is but one of the limiting beliefs that I carry, and try to break free from every day.

If there is something in your life that you do, but cannot explain, I implore you to search deeply within your soul to uncover the trauma that created a belief which haunts you.

It will not be comfortable, because it is likely shrouded in pain and misery. It will not be easy, because the event that precipitated its creation is often buried in a dark and lonely corner of your mind.

Uncovering the trauma, and realizing the limiting belief that haunts you, is the first step on the road to peace, but that is a long road, and rarely is the passage an easy one.

It is my deepest desire to serve you along your way.

--Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: I struggle with being me. Do you struggle with being you?

I struggle with being me. Do you struggle with being you? 

This weekend, my wife and I were able to get away to our ‘happy place’. A couple of hours away, high in the mountains, there is a valley with a few small towns. People go there for skiing, snowmobiling, boating, fishing and riding. 

We go there for peace, a chance to be away from the demands of our day to day life and business, and to allow our souls a chance to slow down and balance.

As we basked in the early spring air over the weekend, and took the chance to just ‘be’ rather than ‘do’, I realized that I have become dependent upon stimulus to distract my soul rather than silence to calm it. 

In the rush that is our daily lives, with so many competing priorities and needs, I have become uneasy with ‘just being’. 

I struggle with feelings of not being enough, not achieving enough, not working hard enough, and especially not serving enough. I feel a growing responsibility to serve at a much higher level, and this work, these reflections, seems to be a part of that service.

But I feel that I have lost some of the balance that is so necessary for finding peace. I seek stimulus to avoid silence, that I may distract myself from the disquiet within. Slowing down feels ‘wrong’, and I realize that I need to find a better balance. 

The further I step into my journey of service, I become more grounded in my belief that balance is one of the hardest principles to live, but the most important to get right.

So I struggle day to day with the maelstrom inside of me. Do you struggle with that?

When I feel overwhelmed, I try to focus on the good I can do in the world. I also try to examine the beliefs that create my feelings of discomfort, disquiet and sometimes despair.

The beliefs we carry, not necessarily religious but more existential, are some of the deepest causes of our unrest. A false belief, created at an emotional time and never examined, can continue to create great hardship and pain until it is unearthed, examined, broken through and put to rest.

I will write more about this tomorrow, in the hope that I might serve you better.

--Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: What are you afraid of?

What are you afraid of?

In your darkest moments, when you feel powerless and terrified, what is your greatest fear? Is it death, is it pain, is it loneliness?

A friend posted on Facebook today that her greatest fear was, in fact, the judgment of others. After some reflection, I replied that her greatest fear is actually from her own self judgment, because she had not made peace with herself.

A conversation followed in which I asked if I might share some thoughts as part of a reflection, and she gratefully consented.

For many years, I was at the mercy of the judgment of others, both their expressed judgments and the ones I felt like they were making even when they said nothing. Hating myself, every single negative judgment from another person (real or imagined) only drove the sword of my own disgust deeper into my heart.

I lived at the constant control of other people, desperate for some recognition, attention, affection or positive feeling that I could glean from our interactions. It is tiring to live this way, and painful.

Over a period of time, I came to realize that being sensitive to the opinions of others was only possible because my own opinion of myself was so bad. I could believe their negative judgments of me because it matched my own judgment.

A poor self opinion is often a result of something in our early years, such as emotional neglect, abuse, trauma or bullying. It colors every interaction, and clouds every kindness shown to us.

Eventually, I learned to find a measure of peace in my soul. This was hard won, requiring a painful self examination, a great deal of meditation, much introspective reflection and many changes to my thoughts, words and behaviors.

During this process of self forgiveness, I also arrived at something I had never before experienced – a measure of self respect.

As I have truly learned who I am, and have come to accept my weaknesses with my strengths, I have found that the judgment of others is largely irrelevant in my life.

I know who I am. Deeply, powerfully and intentionally. I have no fear of another’s opinion, for who knows me better than me?

While I am not perfect, I am powerful. While I do fall, I also rise up. While I make mistakes, I am always learning. While I can be selfish, I am also loving.

As I trust my own judgment, I have become the keeper of my value, and the protector of my soul.

And this gives me vision.

If I can help you in any way to find peace within yourself, please feel free to reach out so that we can connect. It would be a privilege to serve you.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The eternal equations

The eternal equations.

When I was a young child, I had a crazy idea to write a book of wisdom. My first book, that I started at 8 years old, was a book on how to make a girl like you. At the time, my advice was just be who she wanted you to be, and she’d fall in love with you. That is the worst advice I can imagine, but to 8 year old me, it seemed like a great idea. :)

As a teenager, I wanted to write a book that would tell my children how to act in any situation, and how to always make the right choice. I would try to arrange situations into categories with similar concepts, and try to find the truths behind the choices that could be made. That book died in the planning, but the dream has been with me forever.

Needless to say I was kind of a strange child.

Now, as a 47 year old man who has won and lost, loved and been heartbroken, succeeded and failed, fallen and risen, laughed and cried, and who is still standing, I realize the greatest wisdom I can send into the world today is this.

That in the eternal chaos, confusion and madness that is our journey in this realm, I have found that life will never make sense, but there are equations that allow me to tease some fragments of reason in all the madness.

These are what I loosely call, “The Eternal Equations”. A few of them look something like this:

The Equation of Time: You must balance an unknown amount of time between what is important now, what will be important 10 years from now, and what will be important forever.

The Equation of Love: You must balance love of others with love of principles and values, and find a way to love yourself in spite of your strengths and because of your flaws.

The Equation of Peace: You will only find peace when you stop searching for it, and devote yourself to a cause that may never bring you peace, until you stumble over it one day in the service of others.

The Equation of Compassion: You must find a way to extend this to all, but understand that it will destroy you unless you find a way to control it.

The Equation of Connection: You must balance the need to be alone with your own soul so you can learn who you are and the need to connect with others so you might find yourself reflected in them.

The Equation of Tears: You must learn that tears are a part of life, and they can signal both disaster and the divine. In accepting both, you will find the guideposts to your purpose.

The Equation of Humanity: You must learn that you are both unique, and a part of something greater than you can imagine. Your uniqueness is your gift to the whole, and you are born to use that gift wisely.

In sharing these, I hope to serve you better.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Trying to balance opposing forces

Trying to balance opposing forces.

A very dear friend of mine asked me a difficult question a while ago. We had been discussing a subject on which we have some difference of opinion. After we talked for while, she looked at me very intently, and asked “you don’t lose many arguments do you”?

My answer was that I try to never get into an argument, because when an argument occurs we lose sight of what is right in favor of trying to be right.

The truth is that whenever we argue with someone, the first casualty is kindness, the second is reason, the third is our shared humanity, and the final casualty is the truth.

For me, a discussion is a way for people to try to discover truth. This involves respect, a willingness to listen, a desire to understand and a compassion to achieve a balance together.

The attempt to balance opposing forces is the hallmark of a great human being, and the lack of an attempt to find balance is the mark of a tyrant.

Unfortunately in the world today we see too many in leadership who seek the tyranny of opinion, not the balance of forces.

Balance requires that you humanize those who disagree with you, and balance invites that you find a solution that cares for those who disagree with you as much as those who agree with you.

Balancing requires a deep humility, in that we shed our personal desires for significance and certainty, and instead allow the truth to lead us in the direction that best uplifts and serves all who are impacted.

The search for the balance of opposing forces begins deep within us, as we make peace with ourselves, and then desire that same peace for all who we can touch.

Humility, kindness, benevolence and a search for balance are the soul-prints of those who can guide us towards the very best of ourselves.

May we ever be found trying to balance opposing forces, and leading others towards greatness.

Balance is the key to life.

Balance is the blueprint to peace.

Balance will lead you home.

--Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Finding you

Finding you.

I have lived long enough to know that the universe is not an easy place in which to live. Life is messy. Life is painful. Life hurts. Each of us will pass through times of joy, and times of struggle. Times of pleasure, and times of pain.

Times where you can see the way forward clearly, and times when you are so afraid to move because it hurts so much to take one more step.

I have come to believe that the darkest times are when we get a true glimpse of the light of our soul. Naked, alone, afraid and forlorn, we come to a moment where ‘all we have’ is who we are.

And sometimes ‘all we have’ doesn’t seem to be very much at all.

There is a phrase in wisdom literature… “The Dark Night of the Soul”. It is used to describe those times where you can’t see a way forward, and your own light seems very dim against the darkness surrounding you. Where the very powers of Hell seem stacked against you, and you feel no hope.

In these times, I try to remember all the Dark Nights that I have survived before. I try to tell myself that what I see now is not necessarily the truth of what will come to pass. I try to breathe deep, hope hard, live in faith and take one more step. 

I’m not telling you that it’s easy, it’s not. It is so NOT easy. It hurts, and it hurts badly.

Sometimes, the only thing that has helped me get through is to just try something. At least if I am trying, and it all goes bad, I have the knowledge that I tried, and that may be the only solace left to me. 

Sometimes the only good out of a bad situation will be the things you put in there.

If you are going through your own Dark Night, please keep going forwards. Please know that there will come a morning, with a light to support you and to guide you. Even though you cannot see it, feel it or even believe it right now, the light will come.

Until then, I implore you to find yourself in the darkness, and hold onto who you are.

You have worth. You have potential. You are special.

You are.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Secret of Life

The Secret of Life.

“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”

The above quote is attributed to different people, but the truth of the statement is eternal, no matter where it began.

Consciousness is the ability to experience time, and to perceive reality, but perception is often distorted by meaning. Our experience of time is subject to our state during the moment, as Einstein so powerfully alluded to in his monumental works.

I have found that when I am able to discard meaning, and instead perceive in a state of grateful wonder, that my experience of time and my perception of reality are magnified beyond understanding.

In that state, I am able to find a deep sense of peace each morning as I see more leaves growing on the tree outside my kitchen window, marveling at the wondrous organization of energy that creates an organism that responds to light, gravity, temperature and time.

Likewise, I am moved to stillness at the contemplation of a sunrise, heralding the dawn of a new day, where light interacting with our perfect atmosphere creates colors too magnificent to be described, and too rich to be reproduced.

The secret of my life is not what is occurring, but the state in which I observe and interact.

If I approach each event with openness, and a willingness to learn, I find my days full of wisdom and a sublime resonance with the universe. If I approach each act of service with humility and a deep intention to give, then I find a serenity even in the presence of hardship, and hope even in the presence of despair.

Life is an experience. The events of each day are monumental, even though they seem monotonous, and moving although they can seem mundane.

That difference is solely how I choose to perceive.

Awareness is the ability to perceive, and the opportunity to experience.

May you find joy in your experience and peace through your pathway.

The universe is yours to enjoy.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings