Morning Reflection: The journey inwards

The journey inwards.

When we are born, the world is a new and fascinating place. So many people to meet, things to do, places to go and experiences to feel. We go through our childhood and teenage years filled with wonder and excitement, with our awareness outwards, focused on the world.

That works for a while, and it’s wonderful. It’s new, fun, different and exhilarating.

But eventually we reach that point where things are no longer as easy, and the solutions that we seek are not evident in the world outside of ourselves. Over a period of time, which is different for everyone, we eventually arrive at the understanding that in order to change our experiences, we have to change our focus.

And go inwards. 

With the beginning of our journey, we move from comfortable, safe and easy into a battleground where the landscape is confusing, the enemy elusive and the answers often make little sense. 

Finding truths in the depths of our soul can be incredibly difficult, as we seek to tease truth from the myriad of emotions which swirl in a maelstrom around our choices, fears and tears.

Each truth illuminates another step on the journey, and slowly you progress into the realm of self knowledge, where the bedrock foundation of your soul is laid bare for your understanding, and you begin to live your life in a state quite unlike any you have experienced before.

For the prize of self awareness is a power that allows you to shape not just your destiny, but your very definition. Gone are the questions that plagued you about your feelings, your reactions, your doubts and your fears.

The closer you come to the ultimate knowledge of yourself, peace becomes your guardian, knowledge your shield, a sense of calm your rudder, and a desire to serve your fuel. 

When once you have reached an accord within yourself, the thoughts and behaviors of others cannot harm you, for you have gone beyond their dimension, breaking through into a glorious elevation where you are the judge of yourself, and no earthly opinion brings you down. 

For who knows you better than yourself, and finding balance within yourself, you step forward in the true service of others. Not for any selfish desire, or need to quench a painful fire in your soul, but simply because you know it your heart that it is right, and just.

When once you journey inwards, you are changed, and will see with new eyes, serve with a new heart, love with a greater intensity and resonate at a higher frequency.

The journey is hard, but the rewards, they are enlightening, ennobling, empowering and eternal.

I beg you to start your journey today. Who knows who you will become.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Seeing my weakness through yours

Seeing my weakness through yours.

Life is a journey of joy and sorrows. Sometimes we climb to the heights of our potential, and see horizons to conquer and destinies to fulfill. On other occasions we fall hard and fast into the wake of our own weakness; beaten not by the power of others, but led into darkness on the leash of our own deficiencies.

And we suffer.

And yet we are so different from one another that it can sometimes be hard to understand how another person has the weakness they do. I have found myself at times wondering why someone doesn’t just ‘do’ something that appears to me so easy, and so necessary.

Yet I am reminded of the things in my life that I consistently struggle with. I wrote a while ago about how “my light creates my shadow’, trying to reconcile my gifts with my weaknesses, and seeing that often one creates the other.

My creativity, my improvisational skills and my continually moving brain also contribute to my difficulties in focusing, and to my terrible weakness of conscientiousness.

If you could sit over my shoulder, and watch me through the day, I’m confident that you would become highly frustrated as you see me waste time over and over again, like a child who has too many things to see, to many things to do.

And I’m sure that you would stare aghast my failure to execute on the many small and simple tasks that slip away, and wonder how it is that I even function in the world sometimes.

Do you ever feel this way about people in your life, maybe not with these specific issues, but with other types of problems? I’m guessing you do, or have, and probably will again, until you fully accept and understand your own weaknesses, and begin to see your weakness as the same problem, just in a different manifestation. 

In truth, we all struggle, fall and hopefully rise again.

The next time you find yourself frustrated with another weakness, I invite you to substitute your own in its place. Try to understand your own feelings of weakness, and see the weakness of others through that lens.

I promise you that as you see yourself in the failings of another, your heart will soften as you come to see that we are all beset by a swath of human problems, that tempt, try, temper and torment us all.

None of us are exempt, none of us are beyond.

All of us are one.

--Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection:Making it right at the cost of everything

Making it right at the cost of everything.

If you feel like you’ve been wronged, what do you really want done to ‘make it right’? I was talking with a friend recently who feels like she was mistreated by her husband, who sided against her in an argument. Whether or not she has a point, she seems to have become ‘hung up’ on the idea of him ‘making it right’.

So I asked her what that looks like – him making it right. 

The interesting thing was that she didn’t know, and when I pressed her on it, she couldn’t tell me. I started suggesting different scenarios, beginning with something fairly ridiculous, and working my way down to something that she felt was ‘acceptable’. 

Then I asked her how she would feel having to live under the conditions that she wanted to impose upon him. She admitted that it would be difficult. At that moment I asked her how he should feel about it, and all she kept coming up with was ‘sorry, he should feel sorry’.

And then I asked her the million dollar question… “what if he is already sorry”?

As we talked, she opened up and told me more about how he had apologized. From my perspective he had handled it really well, explaining to her why he took the position he did, how he came to realize he was wrong, and expressed his sorrow that he had upset her.

As our conversation continued, we explored her desire to have him make amends, and in essence to ‘make it right’. She came to the realization that he had already done what she had asked, and that it was her own feelings that were prolonging the argument now.

We also discussed the damage that could be done to their relationship if she continued to hold her feelings of anger, betrayal, disdain and scorn. 

She agreed that projecting those emotions to her husband was unlikely to create the atmosphere that she wanted in her relationship, and that long term, it could prove very destructive to their relationship as a whole.

The turning point came when she began focusing not on her feelings of hurt, but on how she could heal her pain, without hurting the relationship, and instead bring them closer together. We mapped out a few strategies, and she left our conversation with a different feeling than she entered.

How did I know how to help her – because I’ve made those mistakes. I’ve held onto feelings, unwilling to let them go and move forward. Truthfully it’s a poor way to live, and a terrible way to work through a problem in a relationship. I hope I’ve grown since then.

Today I invite you to let go, and look forwards.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Complaining isn’t a strategy, and being snarky isn’t a tactic

Complaining isn’t a strategy, and being snarky isn’t a tactic.

“You know why they say hell is never ending? Because no matter how bad it gets, some idiot can always make it worse by complaining.” – Jordan Peterson.

I have this recurring fear that at the end of my life, there will be some accountant waiting for me, with a detailed breakdown of how I spent my days :) How much time did I spend helping people, how much of my youth was spent over a pool table or a video game, and specifically how much time did I waste complaining about things?

If you were to ask me to divide my life into sections, probably one of the most profound delineations would be the age at which I realized that complaining wasn’t an effective strategy, and I made the conscious decision to try to stop.

It’s not that we don’t have bad days, or that people aren’t difficult, or that the universe doesn’t sometimes play a really cruel game, because all of those are true. 

But unless you are talking to someone who can actually do something about it, complaining is just massaging your own ego.

And the only outcome is that you’ve wasted time you could have spent doing something else, and you’ve attracted even more things to complain about. If you don’t believe me then try it – complain about things, and suddenly you’ll find more things to complain about.

Complaining gets you nowhere, and it gets you nothing. Complaining will NEVER help you progress on your pathway to peace.

And being snarky is just a way to spread your pain around. 

I’ve never met anyone who was full of snark who didn’t secretly feel bad about themselves in some way or another. 

Think about this for a moment. When you are truly happy, you want to share that happiness. 

After I completed my skydive in 2017, I was so happy that I had overcome my fear that I just wanted to share my happiness with everyone. I didn’t matter if I didn’t know you, I just wanted you to feel as good as I felt. It was an amazing sensation, and one I hope to feel again after my next jump.

Whenever I feel the urge to be snarky and say something unkind about someone, I try to ask myself what it is about myself that I am unhappy with. In truth, there is always something. 

The question is whether I will be honest with myself, and allow myself to confront that truth, rather than diverting my attention with an unkind remark.

Someone who complains or is snarky is someone who truly hasn’t found peace within their soul. I know they can be hard to be around sometimes, but instead of our scorn or derision, they need and deserve our love, our compassion and our kindness.

May our light lead them through their darkness, and into a brighter tomorrow.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The gift of total acceptance

The gift of total acceptance.

As human beings we have a tendency to want things our own way. Our view of the world makes sense to us, and so we assume that it should make sense to everyone else. This really creates a problem when we try to assign our values and expectations on others.

As a father of two wonderful boys, I am so grateful to see them turning into young men who seem to have good values and good behaviors. I honestly think this is more a case of who they are rather than the environment they have been raised in, but there is at least one thing we’ve tried to do that may have helped.

We invested a lot of time in their youth to make sure that they knew they were loved. Not for how they acted, or the choices they made, or their good behavior, or their grades, or talents, or for any other marker that we could have chosen.

They were loved deeply, profoundly, intensely and completely because they were, not because of what they were.

Maybe it’s a lesson we learned on the 6th day of being parents, as a skilled team of healers performed open-heart surgery on my oldest son; a surgery that for a while stopped his heart. 

That’s never something easy to contemplate, and still typing this makes me profoundly uncomfortable.

When that’s happening, you soon come to the realization that you want everything to be ok, but honestly, deep in your soul, you have so much love for that little child who is your world, that you’ll take whatever of him you can. 

You know that you’ll strike any deal, pay any price, carry any burden and climb any mountain to have another day, and hopefully a wonderful future, with them.

Because they are. Not what they are, or who they are, but simply because they are.

When you totally accept someone, I truly believe they feel it in your interactions. Gone are any attempts to coerce them into choices you feel are ‘right’ for them. 

Gone are the transactional behaviors of giving gifts that require some service or behavior, or even thanks. 

You do what you do for that person, and you love them the way you love them, regardless of what they do. You accept their choices, even when you don’t agree. You accept that they have views that may run counter to yours, and you don’t try to change them.

There is no greater gift than to totally accept someone, truly, utterly and completely.

It will change your soul, and quite possibly theirs as well.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddbmusings

Morning Reflection: Calling timeout on my own pity party

Calling timeout on my own pity party.

Since Saturday I've been kind of having my own pity party. I’m not proud of it, far from it, but at least at this point I could recognize it.

I think it’s been frustrating for everyone around me, and truth be told it would be easy to stay feeling sorry for myself. But in focusing my awareness, I’ve been able to realize a couple of behaviors that I do that initially start my pity party, and then keep me there.

The first is that I have to change my focus from those around me and who I can serve, and instead place my focus squarely on myself. Obviously that’s a balance equation, because you can’t spend your entire life worried about other people, but it’s far too easy to get caught up in only being worried about me.

Secondly, and I think more importantly, I have to stop asking myself what I can learn from a situation or what I can do, and instead focus on what’s been going wrong and what’s not fair.

And when you think about it, that’s kind of ridiculous, because I know the world’s not fair.

During the last 72+ hours of me having my focus squarely on myself and the injustices of the world, I’ve even found myself falling back into habits of blame and justification. It’s like if I can find someone to blame then it’s not my fault, when the grown-up way of handling it is to stop trying to blame, stop trying to find fault, and just focus on what I can actually do to make the situation better.

But truthfully, that can be hard, and there are times when I foolishly allow my emotional state to transition into a negative one, and things that are hard become harder and I lose my focus and fall back into the habits that don’t serve me.

I’m not saying you can’t take a break every now and then, because it’s hard to maintain complete positivity and remain forward-looking at all times. It takes discipline and the right kind of emotional rituals/habits to keep yourself in a great state, and I’m still working on those.

But I’ve realized that when it do allow myself to take my foot off the emotional gas pedal every now and then, I still have a responsibility to myself and everyone around me to use that time wisely and elegantly, rather than foolishly and self-centeredly. 

So for now my pity party is adjourned. I’m trying to be the grown-up I’m supposed to be at 47 years old. 

As my son says, “some days, adulting is hard”.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Comparisons to the road I never took

Comparisons to the road I never took.

Eleven years ago I made a decision that radically altered my life. Even now, so many years later I still can’t tell you if it was the right decision. There were things that were very bad about the outcome, and there were some things that were good, and some things still in process.

In the early years following that decision, when I was deep in the middle of the pain and difficulty that I was unaware would follow, I would constantly beat myself up about the choice that I made, and in effect was continuing to make.

I was convinced that there were far better choices to have made, different avenues that I could have followed that would have undoubtedly brought me a greater outcome, without all the negative experiences that were so excruciating to go through.

But truthfully – what did I know?

I think we all have a tendency to analyze our choices and compare them to all the wonderful things we think could have happened had we chosen a different road. 

If for some reason we are suffering negative consequences, we seem to want to imagine that there was something better out there, a perfect pathway leading to peace and happiness instead of the one we find ourselves on now.

And we eliminate all the potential negative possibilities in our imagining.

What if you had chosen the other person who asked you to marry them? Would it have turned out better, or could it have turned out worse? You’ll never know, but you’ll still wonder. 

What if I had purchased a different car, and found myself in the midst of nowhere after a catastrophic failure that could have placed myself and my family in danger? What if I had literally taken a different road 31 years ago – could the accident that created my scar have killed me instead? 

What if I had made a different choice 11 years ago – right before the economic catastrophe that could have left me bankrupt? Would I them have berated myself for not taking the choice that I made, unaware of all that would follow in its wake?

You can drive yourself crazy living in the land of what if, or what could have been. The truth is that we have to live with our choices, and that can be hard, and painful, but it’s the only choice we really have.

In the words of my mentor, “sometimes all you have is bad choices, but you still have to choose”.

Today, I beg you to stop comparing your choices to the road you didn’t take, and instead turn your attention to choices that are in your future.

That is where your power lies.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The beauty of where you are

The beauty of where you are.

It’s no secret that I love to get away to the mountains. There’s something majestic in the quiet eternal solitude of pine trees, rivers, valleys and rock that will go on forever. 

In the mountains I find my soul resonates differently. I find peace, perspective and power as I climb away from the lower grounds, and commune with nature in her glory.

Yet as I stand on mountains and look down, I see the beauty of the forest, with its verdant waves and fields full of fragrance, foods and flocks. The forest and the fields provide me a chance to walk, rest, and partake of the glory of nature as it interacts in immeasurable diversity.

Both are beautiful, and yet when I am in one, I often find myself dreaming of the other. Somehow, I forget to indulge in the beauty of where I am now.

I have found that I also make that mistake within the environment of time. It’s too easy to lose track of today, in a never ending hunger for the greater potentials of tomorrow. In doing so, I find myself missing all that now has to offer, and the beauty and majesty that surrounds me in the everyday.

For too long have I wasted now for some time that may never be.

Being present in the present is a skill that I am slowly learning. Both in the where and the when; there are moments of wonder and enlightenment that I can easily miss, if I am always looking for the next, instead of the now.

But the greatest cost in being elsewhere than now may be the loss of the potential to change time as we know it. The future is infinitely malleable, and the past is not so given as we are led to believe. 

Finding our intention and focus in today, here, now, we can create our own futures, and even change the meanings that we ascribed to the past.

Life is happening now, and will continue to happen because of now.

Today, I invite you to try staying present in the present, focusing on now rather than what may never be or never was. 

I promise you that as you learn to be here and be now, you will find a greater joy, a deeper peace and a more purposeful awareness of the gifts you have been given.

May you find today, and every day, together entwined. 

And may you find joy.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Being misunderstood

Being misunderstood.

I wrote a reflection on July 3rd that I intended to publish on July 4th, and didn’t. At least, not in the normal way. I usually schedule posts to hit Facebook automatically at 6:00 am Mountain Time, but after writing the post, I decided not to publish it, because I figured it would offend someone, or at least be misunderstood and create discord when my hope is to promote peace. 

It was late in the evening when I finished the post and my sweet wife, Holly, was already asleep so I couldn’t ask her advice about it. So I didn’t post it until the middle of the day on Wednesday when she had read it, and encouraged me to post it. 

I trust Holly’s opinion, and so the reflection went up. It seemed to be well received, until later in the evening when one person reacted in the way that I was afraid of. 

After reading the post (hopefully the whole way through at least) a woman seemed to take offence at my thoughts, and immediately seemed to extrapolate a whole myriad of my opinions from it. 

I’m not going to assume what they were; I would rather give her the courtesy of not assuming the worst of her. Apparently the opinions she assigned to me were in contradiction to her own, and her considered solution to the problem of our perceived disagreement was precisely the kind of reaction that I expected, but hoped we could rise above.

For the crime of having an opinion different to hers, I should leave the country and as she put it “go be not proud somewhere else”. 

That’s her solution. I should leave. 

Rather than engage me in a dialogue to find a deeper understanding of my opinion, try to find common ground, and start a conversation that might lead both of us to a greater respect of our differences (which I suspect are largely conceptual rather than material), her solution was my banishment.

If she had bothered to engage me in a dialogue, she might have discovered that our opinions probably have much more in common than she seems to believe. She would have found that I am profoundly grateful to live in the United States of America. 

She could have come to understand my respect for the military of this country; a military without whom I would either never have existed or grown up speaking German. 

I feel a profound debt of gratitude to the men and women of this country who died defending a country that was not their own, and likewise my respect and gratitude extends to those who serve today, including her daughter. 

She might have even learned of how humble I feel writing and publishing these thoughts in the shadow of the great minds whose rebellion and subsequent creation of a system of government preserved the very foundations of free speech that enable me to write without fear of reprisal from a totalitarian government that would curtail my liberty, freedoms and even my life.

But none of this occurred, because we seem to have differing conceptual understandings of the idea of pride, and that was enough to warrant my departure.

If we are to survive as a nation, I feel we need to be better than this.

We need to talk with those with whom we disagree, and find a common ground. Maybe we could make sure that we understand someone’s point of view, even better than our own, before we engage in a comment or a behavior that demeans or disavows their rights, and we really need to take a look at the blackness in our soul that drives us to fight with those whose only crime is to think differently.

If we are going to hold true to the values that ‘being an American’ suggests, then I believe we need to be willing to talk and listen before we assume and assign judgment.

I can’t think of anything that is a greater testament to the legacy of America than that.

(Out of respect to the lady who wrote the comment, I have hidden it from view)

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Looking at you rather than me

Looking at you rather than me.

Trying to become self aware is a funny process. The longer I practice, the more I come to the realization that I have developed so many habits over the years that are designed to focus my awareness anywhere but where it needs to be.

Which is on me.

One of the easiest, most addictive and honestly most prevalent habits that I find is to focus on the faults of others. Let’s face it, it’s an easy target. If I look through the filter of judgment, and not of humility and kindness, I can find faults enough to keep me busy for a lifetime, so I never have to worry about myself

It was Eleanor Roosevelt who stated this in a beautifully simple truth. “Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people”. 

But once I turn my awareness inwards, seeking the truths of my life, I find not a clear vista from a mountain, but a misty, dark, uncomfortable terrain full of shadows and secrets. My soul, it seems, is unwilling to be understood simply.

And that’s a pity, because it really needs the work. 

The part of me that wants to avoid being aware wants you to know that most other people’s do as well, but I’m not going to listen to him (see what I mean, it’s an addictive habit).

This realization has really shown benefit in my coaching practice, as I help people make breakthroughs and change situations that have been long term problems. 

I know that the person I’m helping is on the right path when they find themselves directing their focus away from their own capabilities and onto others, and then stop themselves, realizing that they are avoiding their own truths. 

Some of the most angry, most abrasive and most difficult people are the ones who spend all of their time focused on the faults of others, rather than face the painful torrent of internal pain that seeks to overwhelm them. 

These are they who run from stillness, and court chaos rather than peace. Do you know anyone like that… I’m sure you do.

The more I forgive others, and focus on my own problems, the faster I find my journey into awareness progressing, and the greater peace I find in my soul.

My focus determines my progress.

But only if I control it, and direct it where it needs to be.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Human, from Earth

Human, from Earth.

It’s a funny thing, being originally British, and now living the United States. July 4th always brings mixed feelings. 

People often ask me how I feel about it, and I really don’t have a great answer, because the true answer I do have doesn’t really sit well with people.

Honestly, for me, July 4th is not a celebration that is easy for me to explain. The whole concept of being ‘proud’ of being from somewhere isn’t something that resonates in my soul, because ‘being from somewhere’ is not guarantee of anything. 

I’ve met people from both countries who are kind, striving to serve others and doing their best to be an enlightened peacemaker. I’ve also met people from both countries who are cruel, selfish and destructive.

National identity is not a promise of anything, it’s just a statement of fact, a facet of geography that tells me nothing about who you are as a person.

If being ‘from somewhere’ creates in you a sense of responsibility to be a better person, and serve others, then I’m glad for you. Unfortunately, I often see being ‘from somewhere’ as a reason to feel better than someone else. It’s tribalism at its worst, and trust me, that’s never a recipe for anything good.

When people ask me who I am and where I’m from I’m often tempted to reply ‘Human, from Earth”. That might sound strange to you, but honestly, that’s the way I feel. 

I hope I am a product of the profound learning and caring that we as a planet have produced. I regard myself as a human rather than as a member of a country, because it reminds me of my duty to everyone, not just those who are of ‘my country’.

This internet that allows me to share my words with you is not limited to one country, one race, one creed or one philosophy.

Rather, it allows me to share with all countries, all races, all creeds and all philosophies. In that way, the all becomes one, and in accepting the responsibility to share whatever gifts I might have, I have to consider myself as a part of the all that is one.

In short, where I am from is nowhere near as important as where I am going, and who I am choosing to become. My geography doesn’t define my identity, my decisions and choices do.

See, I told you my answer wasn’t an easy one, nor is it necessarily a popular one, but it’s the one I have.

If you are celebrating today, I wish you joy, happiness and safety. May you find peace in your soul, and may you share it with others.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The balance of Justice and Mercy

The balance of Justice and Mercy.

When you think of Justice, what emotions come to the surface? Is it fear, or a desire to punish, or a desire to never be in the position to make a decision of justice?

How about Mercy? Did you think of how much you want it, or how hard it can be to give, or how some people are given too much of it?

These are powerful words, because they link us immediately to the all too human aspect of judgment, where we are at once the perpetrator and the victim; the oppressor and the oppressed. 

I think it’s a sign of our addiction to binaryism that we tend to think of justice and mercy as separate, when in truth, they can only exist together.

Justice without mercy is tyranny and brutality, and ceases to be justice. Mercy without justice is anarchy and chaos, and ceases to be mercy.

But if we are to balance justice and mercy, we have to go deeper into ourselves to understand our own needs, and to see how they impact the choices that we make.

Do we choose to punish harshly out of a desire to revenge ourselves on someone for a perceived wrong that occurred far in the past, but which haunts us still today? Do we choose to apply mercy out of our own guilt for past wrongs that still call to us in our quiet hours?

Most of all, how do we apply justice and mercy to ourselves?

My guess is that you find it easier to apply mercy to others, and you save justice for yourself. Maybe out of a fear of ‘not being a good person’, or because you believe that you are fundamentally flawed, unworthy of love and kindness. 

Perhaps there was someone in the past who acted in such a way that you accepted their flawed version of reality as your ongoing truth.

The hardest choices we have to make in life are the balances between two seemingly opposing forces, until we realize that they are one not two. Decisions of justice and mercy are not between two mutually exclusive realities, but a balance of two essential components of our life and our futurity.

Today, I invite you to examine the balance of justice and mercy in your own life. If you have given yourself more of one than the other, I implore you to find a balance that respects your humanity and your dignity. 

You cannot become all that you are meant to be by holding yourself down with a justice you never deserved, and you will never grow to be the light that you can be if you deny yourself the mercy that can transform you.

The two must be one, for one is none.

Find your balance, believe, and become.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: My life is my only experience

My life is my only experience.

I think it’s a miracle that any of us are able to understand each other. We come from different backgrounds, with different lives, different thoughts and different hopes, goals, dreams and desires.

We take different meanings from the events that occur to us, and we have different opinions on what we should do, what we should say, and how we should think.

Yet for all of those differences, we also have so much of our human experience that is similar. I am sure you have had times of feeling lonely. I have. I would guess that you have felt fear, as I have. I hope you have felt joy so profound that it brings you to your knees and fills you eyes with tears. I have.

So we attempt to communicate with each other out of a familiar and diverse reality that somehow we share. We use an imprecise tool of a common language to try to share our truths.

It is no surprise that we often fail to understand each other; but in my meditations of late I have begun to realize that my greatest weakness in communication starts and ends with one simple truth.

My life is a very limited, narrowly focused and ultimately biased snapshot of reality.

I cannot use this to understand the truth of those with whom I interact, and especially those who I try to help. My truths are just that, mine alone, and if I wish to really connect with someone in a meaningful and more intimate way, I have to practice a skill that is, unfortunately, not for me a natural one.

I have to listen.

Truly listening takes practice. It is not silence, because silence can exist in the presence of no-one. It is not a pause, waiting for the other person to stop talking so that I can say what I want to say next, because I can’t listen and wait at the same time.

To truly listen, and understand you, I have to first practice the discipline of humility. To stop thinking about what I want to communicate, and instead focus on everything you say with every sense that I have.

Listening is not just interpreting the words, but the inflections, the pauses, the tone changes, the choice of words, the speed of delivery, the microexpressions and ultimately the energy that emanates from you as you speak to me.

How can I do all of this if I already have my next sentence loaded and ready for delivery?

No, truly listening means accepting your experiences as different than my own, and valuing those as much as I value you.

I cannot hope to understand you through the myopia of my own life and own experiences, but if I can put aside my thoughts, feelings and desires, then maybe, just maybe, I can understand you in a way that enlightens both of us.

And it all starts with listening.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The words we can’t speak are the most important ones we’ll ever find

The words we can’t speak are the most important ones we’ll ever find.

Language is a tool, but it can be a weapon. Sometimes a sledgehammer, other times a scalpel. Whether deployed with deliberate precision, or wielded without care, the words we use have the power to hurt or to heal, to bind up or break down.

And they also are the key to our survival and our progression.

You can feel anger without words; but you’ll never understand your anger without words. 

Many of us carry significant emotional wounds, down in the deepest parts of our brains. These may be from past trauma, or from misunderstandings that we took upon us as a little child. Our subconscious mind, deep in the older parts of our brains does not command in the construct of language, but rather in the cacophony of imagery and emotion. 

As we try to understand ourselves, and delve deeper into the chaos that controls us, we are faced with the truth that healing requires us to bring our painful past into the light of language, so that we may encode our emotion in a way that we can interpret and ultimately change.

To recognize a feeling is the first step on the pathway of peace, but ultimately we have to examine it so that we may explain it, and humanize it so that we can heal it. Without healing the past, we can never find stillness in the future.

Whenever you try to understand your own soul, as expressed in the communication of your choices, you will inevitably arrive at those behaviors for which you can express an emotion, but not an explanation.

Where the scalpels of logic and language are weakened in the fire of feeling and where the epoch of your intellect is laid low by a torrent of emotion.

We’ve all been there, and will probably be there again as we try to understand ourselves further.

If you find yourself unable to clearly explain the reason for the choices that you have made, may I invite you to carry the emotions that encumber you into the sunrise of self reflection. 

Allow yourself to work through the painful feelings that scarred over the wound that bedevils you, and describe it with all the power of the language that you wield.

As you come to understand why you feel and behave the way you do, you can begin the journey back to healing your soul, and becoming the radiance that you were born to be.

With language as our light, and words our microscope, we can apply love and understanding over time to bring us all into the peace that is available to those who have healed.

Heal your heart, heal your soul, heal yourself.

And arise.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The moment of silence may be the loudest thing you ever hear

The moment of silence may be the loudest thing you ever hear.

As I grow older, I find myself craving silence. Not just in my environment, but in my mind, and most desperately in my soul. I seek for the experience of awareness unencumbered by worry, or anticipation, or even thought.

But most of all, I seek an awareness centered in the absence of time.

Truly, in the greatest moments of my life, the absence of time is the defining component of the intensity of my experience. I remember the feeling of being disconnected from time as I sat with my wife in the delivery room, awaiting the birth of our first child. 

It felt like our own universe; separate, distinct and unconnected with the world outside of those 4 walls.

I remember that very same absence of time during freefall, as I left the plane at around 13,000 feet, and experienced the overwhelming sensations of weightlessness combined with timelessness. 

I will never forget that sensation; the feeling that the whole world and universe had somehow moved without me and I was in a domain of my own reality. Individual, eternal, timeless.

In my daily meditation practice, as I seek for stillness and try to allow all thoughts to flow beyond me, I am humbled by the realization of the incredible capacity of the human consciousness. 

Whatever you believe about our pathway into this reality, I hope you see with wonder the unparalleled beauty and majesty of awareness and its capacity to transcend.

In the few times that I feel that I have achieved a stillness of presence, I have found a sense of unity with the universe and an experience of the eternal. The longer I meditate on the concept of time and its potential and place within this reality, the more I realize that time is not an eternal concept, but it is in fact the very opposite of eternity.

In the true moments of silence in my heart, mind and soul, I feel a sense of oneness with everything, everyone, everywhere, eternally.

It’s the loudest thing I think I will ever experience.

And I am so grateful for it.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Immersing yourself in the flow of the river

Immersing yourself in the flow of the river.

As guilt is a part of parenthood, so struggle is a part of the human experience. Whether you are born in the ghetto or the gilded castle, you will inevitably encounter difficulty, distress, defeat and despair. It’s part of our lineage and our legacy, our happening and our history. 

Sometimes in my life, I’ve caused myself more stress because I fought against the flow of the river of my life. Holding on to the bank out of fear, uncertain as to where the river will take me. Desiring to know the direction and the destination, I resisted where I was always going to inevitably be.

When I could have trusted, let go, floated free of my faithlessness, and just believed.

It’s not wrong to have goals, in fact it’s essential. Without a vision, a desired destination in the wilderness, you will wait forever to find a meaning in the maelstrom that encompasses our existence. You’ll achieve nothing in the course of your days, and recognize too late that you have wasted the priceless gift of the time that you have been given.

But sometimes you have to realize that what you want may not be who you are born to be. It may be that you might have to get what you always wanted to understand how little it could make you happy.

While there is peace in a calm pond, the power is out there where the waves are. The surfer knows that the wave will take them where they will go, all they have to do is enjoy the ride.

Life is a lot like that.

Once in a while you have to be willing to let the water carry you onwards. The biggest waves, the ones that force you to let go, are the waves that have the power to carry you to where you are supposed to be. You can fight them, fear them, stand against them, and fall before them. 

In the end, you were always going to be swept toward your destiny. The ride could have been one of joy instead of sorrow; passion instead of pain. 

My instincts and experience suggest to me that you already know the wave you need to ride. Maybe it’s following your heart, or removing yourself from a bad situation. Possibly it’s admitting something you’ve tried for so long to keep inside, or opening your heart to the truth you’ve been desperate to deny.

Wherever it’s going to take you, you know it’s a matter of time, rather than of possibility. If it needs to happen, and you know it’s right, I invite you to allow the water wash you, warm you, carry you and caress you. 

Surrender to the flow of the river. Take the next step on your journey.

And believe.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The soul’s interpretations

The soul’s interpretations.

For many years, I was lost in the immediacy of my own tunnel vision judgment. Everything that occurred was viewed through a myopic lens, designed to create a reality that justified the beliefs that I held on to. 

These beliefs met my needs, but in a way that was destructive and painful.

But I believed that way, because it ‘felt right’.

I have slowly come to learn and accept that nothing has ‘meaning’ unless we assign a meaning to it. It took me a long time to ‘unlearn’ all the beliefs that held me to that point of view, but once I finally broke through I realized an incredible truth.

The quality of my life comes down to the meanings that I assign to the events in my life, and everything, and I mean everything, is in fact a choice.

In my day job, I have treated many people involved in car crashes. Two specific situations come to mind.

In both of these situations, a patient probably have should have died, and only escaped death by the smallest of margins, like a tenth of a second. 

Neither accident was the patient’s fault. 

One walked away grateful, seeing every day as blessing, as a day she shouldn’t have had, and lived her life accordingly. 

The other walked away scared, and essentially stopped doing anything other than the minimum to sustain herself. She was afraid every day of what could happen.

The quality of their lives after the accident was directly attributable to the meanings that they assigned to the accidents that really should have killed them.

This is a hard truth, because there are some people, even some of you who are reading this, who have been through horrific experiences. 

I do not for one moment mean to minimize your pain, your heartache and your nightmares. I know they are real, and I weep for your suffering and wish I could take it from you.

But I believe that however difficult your life is, there can be moments of sunshine, joy and happiness if you can learn to accept and apply this lesson to your life.

That life is beautiful, and the quality of your life is determined by the meanings you assign. Life can be cruel, life can be unfair and life can be horrible, but if you can find a meaning to sustain you, you can survive through the worst of times, and flourish in the springtime of your re-growth.

Today, I invite you to question the meanings you assign to events that occur or situations that you find yourself in. If this is new to you, don’t try to change the meaning, just become aware of what meaning you assigned. 

Then ask yourself why you chose that, in the midst of all the possibilities.

Your meanings control your destiny. Choose well, and life can be beautiful in the midst of darkness.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The one person you keep mistreating

The one person you keep mistreating.

You know, that one person who you just can’t help but give less than everyone else. That one person who has to make do with whatever time you have left, whose happiness gets sacrificed time after time, and who is ignored when crying out for help.

Yeah, I’m talking to you.

About you.

It’s seems to be hallmark of people who actually care about the opinions and happiness of others that we have a really hard time looking after ourselves. We are the ones who go without sleep to service the needs of another. 

We are the ones who give our time, love and attention to those who often seem to need, but rarely seem to give back at the level that we give.

I see this a lot when helping people who have grown up in dysfunctional childhoods, but it might surprise you what my definition of a dysfunctional childhood is. 

I think one of the worst wounds a child can sustain to their soul during the growing process is to be taught that they are less important; that the needs or expectations of another, or a group, or whomever, are more important than their own. That their life is not completely their own.

Please hear me clearly, because people often misunderstand what I am about to say.

It is not wrong to give your time to others, it is not wrong to care about others, and it is not wrong to want to help others. All of these are honorable, good and wonderful, if they are done out of an honest desire, and a balanced perspective. 

But too many times I see people who just can’t stop; out of fear, out of a misplaced sense of duty, or out of a completely unbalanced perspective of what they owe to themselves.

So here is your permission slip, if you need one. You MUST look after yourself first, so you have my permission to say no. You must make sure that you are supported, so you have my permission to cancel. You must look after your emotional self, so you have my permission to withdraw your caring from those who do not have a right to expect it.

You cannot save the world, your friends, your family, unless you are looking after yourself.

Please take care of yourself. 

I care about your happiness, and I want you to find the balance that will bring you peace.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Why do I care so much?

Why do I care so much?

We all build self identity on a judgment of ourselves. Am I attractive, am I kind, do I do enough for others, am I honest? Do I ‘care’ about other people? Did I try my best?

All of these attributes have good in them, but I have come to realize recently that what I thought was ‘caring’ may sometimes be an act of selfishness, and it’s caused me to go deeper and try to discover a more profound truth about my soul.

I now understand that I sometimes ‘care’ about others as a way to avoid facets of my own life that are uncomfortable to me. I have lied to myself, always finding another person to ‘care about’ and ‘help’ rather than spend my time working through my own problems, and facing my own demons. 

Yes, there are people to care about and yes, I seem to be able to know how to help people in their time of need, but if it is at the cost of time and diligence I owe to others, then it’s a problem. 

‘Caring’ is so noble, so good, that in my mind it has been beyond reproach. After all, who could get angry with someone who was caring about another human being. No matter that I was ‘caring’ to avoid painful but necessary growth.

I feel that I have been ‘Caring from Chaos, rather than Caring from Calm’.

I wonder if I am alone in this? My experience of helping people suggests to me that I might not be. 

I am also suspicious that I use ‘caring’ as a way to create new meanings from old wounds. In my soul, I have created the association that if I use the knowledge gained from painful experiences to help someone, then it repurposes that experience into something different. 

So in effect, I am ‘Caring’ for someone not out of our common and shared humanity and a desire to ease the sufferings of others, but out of a selfish desire to reframe my past into something I can live with. 

While this does not change the outcome of my caring for the person who receives it; I have to realize that I am self serving as well as caring, and that can be a dangerous equation to balance.

I think that I will only achieve true ‘caring’ when I have healed my own soul, and no longer ‘care’ out of my own needs, but just out of a desire to give.

However, I will still keep caring, because I honestly don’t know how not to.

Why do you ‘care’?

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The courage to go deeper

The courage to go deeper.

How much do you know about you? I’m confident you could tell me where you live, tell me who you follow, and probably even tell me the things you like and dislike.

But could you really tell me about yourself? Could you tell me why you do certain things that frustrate you, could you tell me why you react in a certain situation? 

Or would you simply throw up your hands in a gesture of confusion with that time-honored statement “I don’t know”?

I get a lot of that in my work. “I don’t know” is an answer that most of us have used at some point when confronted by the difficult reality that our actions make no sense to our rational mind but make every sense in the world to our emotional selves.

We seem to live our day-to-day lives unaware of the reasons behind our thoughts, our feelings and our behavior. 

Sentience, it seems, is not all it is cracked up to be.

But why don’t we go deeper? Why are we often unwilling to slow our minds, quiet our environments and spend time inside of our own consciousness, struggling for the answers that can bring us peace and clarity?

From my own perspective, it is because moments of self-awareness are often painful. Often the beliefs or the reactions that we live with were born out of moments of significant emotional pain and discomfort. These heightened emotions seem to be seared into our subconscious, producing behaviors that we struggle to explain or even understand.

Uncovering these truths often requires us to feel again those painful and difficult feelings, that we might see from a different perspective the situations that caused so much pain.

In my own life, I have had to confront the pain of emotional abandonment by my father, in order to finally understand that his behavior was driven by his own pain, and not a reflection of who I am. 

I still struggle with this on a daily basis, but without confronting the pain I would never have come to the truth that may one day bring me a small measure of peace.

My hope for you today is that you will continue to have the courage necessary to go deeper into your soul. 

While the journey is fraught with difficult memories, troublesome truths and often painfully paralyzing perspectives, I promise you that as you come to understand and forgive yourself, you can heal some of the wounds that beset you and try you.

May you “know yourself” at a deeper level, so that you may find the peace you seek and the serenity you so richly deserve.

Have courage, go deeper.

And become.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings