Morning Reflection: What does it mean to you?

What does it mean to you?

Of all the questions I ask people, this is probably the one that gets me the most annoyed responses. It’s not that I ask it in a mean way (I try to avoid that) or that the question is difficult to understand (it really isn’t). 

People get upset because when I ask them this question I am usually trying to move them from an ‘orbital emotion’, and into a directional, or a ‘vectored emotion’.

Ok, sorry… that probably needs an explanation.

An orbital emotion is one that just goes round and around. Like a satellite in orbit, it never really goes anywhere, it just does the same thing over and over, never progressing, never changing. It probably gets you some kind of need fulfillment, but you don’t grow from it. 

A ‘vectored emotion’ is one that has a direction, and technically a speed as well. It gets you somewhere, but it often requires effort to get you there. You can grow from it if you handle it correctly, but chances are in the short term it’s going to be hard going.

When I ask the question above, it’s usually because the person I’m talking to is doing orbits in either the emotion of anger, or the emotion of sadness. Not that either of these are necessarily bad, but they are response emotions, which do not get us to the heart of the problem. 

Think about it for a minute, and tell me if I’m wrong.

You never get angry without some emotion precipitating the anger. Maybe it’s a feeling of being disrespected, or mistreated, or devalued, or even physical pain. There is always an interpretation of a stimulus, creating an emotion, that you then get angry about.

It’s the same with sadness. In the absence of mental illness, sadness requires some kind of stimulus to provoke it. Maybe it’s grief at the breakup of a relationship where you feel like you have been torn from all that you knew by the acts of another. 

Maybe it’s at the passing of years that you will never get back (loss again) and the bitter taste of regret (so a sense of failure).

However we get there, the orbital emotions are not of themselves bad unless we stop there. Anger or sadness are signs that we need to go deeper, and find the real meaning behind that emotion.

Unfortunately, going deeper is a direction, and that usually requires effort and often the acceptance of some pain for a while, until we can find a new balance to our emotions.

And sometimes when I ask the question, I know it’s going to annoy the person, but I feel that it’s necessary to break them out of their current orbit. 

Staying in orbit will never get you the answers you seek. Eventually you’ve got to come down to earth, spend some time in your deeper self, and truly face what hurt you, and deal with it.

And that hurts.

But it’s the only way you’ll ever move beyond where you are right now.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Take what you want, leave what you don’t

Take what you want, leave what you don’t.

Do you live your life, or do you live the one others want you to live? That might seem like a strange question, but the longer I work with people both in my practice as a healer, and in my work as a coach, I find more and more that people are living the lives they think they should live, rather than the lives that they would live if they were truly at peace within themselves.

I still struggle with this daily.

I listen to very diverse voices in my search to discover and live a life of wisdom my way. I watch very little television. I read, I don’t play video games.

I try to listen to many different sources, often people who are diametrically opposed to whatever point of view I have at the moment, because how can I find the truth if all I ever hear are the same words that I already feel. 

When it comes right down to it, there is one truth that I can believe with absolute sincerity. No-one, especially me, has a monopoly on the truth. 

From the religious and the spiritual, the political and the anarchical, the supposed ‘wise-people’ and the apparently foolish; all have something they can teach me if I am open to learning, rather than concentrating on judging.

But my truth, with all its inconsistencies, inadequacies and paradoxes, is my truth right now. My greatest mentor taught me a truth when I was in my very early years. “Always keep an open mind” he said, “try to see things from another’s point of view”.

But then live your truth as best you see it, not as others want it to be.

There are times when I am writing or corresponding with people regarding this work, that I feel I have to say something that I feel is the truth, even though some of you, or the person I am corresponding with, may not agree. I honestly believe this is how we find truth for ourselves. 

We talk, we listen to viewpoints from others who are honestly trying to find the truth of any situation for themselves, and we take away an understanding or where our truths intersect, and where they diverge. 

Such is the nature of communication between two or more people. I always try to assume that the person has an honest desire to find the truth and be as helpful as they can be given all that they carry within them.

I guess it comes down to giving someone the benefit of the doubt for their intentions, even if you may not agree with their interpretation.

As I continue with this work, wherever it may lead us, I pray that you will find some nuggets of wisdom along the way. I really do desire to serve people through this work, even if only to help you realize that there are others who struggle as you do, that your problems are often universal and not personal. That we are so much more alike than we are different.

Along with the occasional nugget of wisdom, you may find things which do not resonate with your truth. That’s ok, in fact it is healthy, and to be expected. I would implore you to take what works for you, and leave what doesn’t.

My goal is that you live your truth, your life, your way, and find peace doing so. I believe deep in my heart that the only way to heal our world is by each one of us finding peace in our heart, and then helping others achieve peace in theirs.

Thank you for being a part of this journey. I really appreciate you.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Either love them for who they are, or let them go

Either love them for who they are, or let them go.

I’ve been meditating a lot this week on the value of the human soul, and the belief prevalent in many cultures that we can progress to become more. 

Enlightened, exalted, however you want to look at it, there seems to be a common thread running through the spiritual conceptual matrix which suggests that we are not yet in our final form; that we have further to go, greater things to become.

And I have come to understand that this attitude creates a prevailing thought that seems to create so much pain for people. The idea that we must ‘become more’ in order to ‘be enough’.

And I grieve because I see so many people who love someone, yet want them to become something or someone else. 

Being loved without conditions, expectations, rules, regulations, considerations and obligations is one of the greatest blessings that you can ever extend to someone. This is why the love of a parent for a child is so important. 

Yes the parent may know more than the child, and yes, the child needs to learn from the parent, but if the parent places qualifications on the love given to the child based on the child’s achievements and outcomes, and especially as an adult, that child will inevitably spend the rest of their earthly journey feeling that they need to be someone else’s definition of acceptable.

In my view, such a relationship is a tragedy. 

If you really want to change someone, then you have to start by respecting them enough to not change them. Every one of us has the divine spark of awareness, and in my experience, people are much more likely to reach out for advice to someone who has unconditionally accepted them previously.

Please understand me; this is a hard thing. I daily, even sometimes hourly, find myself struggling with the desire to change another human being. When this happens, I remind myself that desiring their change is in effect to devalue their being. Who am I to know what is best for them? 

Yes there are times when I see a pathway that might offer them greater happiness, but if I am offering them that view because of how I think they SHOULD be, then the interaction is about me, not about helping them.

Sometimes I find myself desiring the change in others who are close to me because of the impact it will have on my life, and I try to lovingly help myself realize that to ask someone to be or live a certain way because of how it will make me feel is a violation of one of my core values, which is that I must respect everyone at the same level I would respect myself.

When I am able to withdraw my own needs, wants and desires from any interaction that I have with someone, I find I am able to reach out in love, honesty and with a true desire to respect and assist them. 

I have found that people respond much better to a lack of judgment coupled with a fervent desire to truly help them become what THEY want to be.

Today, I invite you to look into your relationships, and if you are unable to love someone without desiring their change, I implore you to do the work on your own soul so that you can treat others with the respect they deserve.

Only when you abandon your own needs can you truly accept the divinity in another.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Sometimes, all you can do is listen

Sometimes, all you can do is listen.

Have you ever met one of those people that you just can’t seem to get through to? As a Doctor, a healer, a coach and a friend, this is probably the most frustrating and soul maddening experiences I come across. 

My life’s work, my mission, my passion and my obsession is to help people, and when I can’t do that, it just eats me up inside.

Because there are some people who are so locked into their own ‘story’ that they are never, ever, going to change. For a few it seems to be a true pathology, almost a genetic predisposition; but for some it is a submission to the never ending storms that have characterized their lives.

Please understand, I don’t judge these people for where they are, for some have been through worse hells than I can ever imagine. I am consistently in awe of the power and nobility of the human spirit to rise up again and again after taking hits that I honestly don’t know if I could handle.

But I also see people who have believed the falsehoods found in the friction of life, and now live their life day to day in a never ending quest to stay where they are, and live in a constant attitude of complaint, negativity and sadness. 

For them, the certainty of a known agony is safer than the possible future destruction of a hopeful potentiality. 

And while I would love to help them step into the light, I have come to realize that there are people who are just not ready, and may never be so. For some it is because they are too old, and have spent too many years locked into their own world definition to want to change now. 

For some, the burden of accepting the responsibility for their own happiness is too great, and they would rather ‘outsource their sentience’ so they always have someone to blame.

As I meet and work with these kinds of people, I have come to the understanding that the only way that I can serve them, after having tried to offer solutions, is to listen to them, and validate their existence. 

That doesn’t mean I validate their story, because I am strongly opposed to supporting pathological toxic psychologies, but I can give them the gift of my attention and my love.

When we notice another human being, and spend some of our precious time in an effort to connect with their soul, we are in essence making the statement that they have a value and that they are worthy of our notice.

For certain people, that means more than you can ever imagine.

Today, I invite you to reach out to someone, and let them know that you notice them. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, just maybe a text, an email, a phone call or heaven forbid, a handwritten letter.

Give the gift of notice. It might change someone’s world.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: You have to be your own hero

You have to be your own hero.

I think it’s natural as a child to have heroes. When we are weak, frail, vulnerable and uncertain there is a great comfort in having someone who is strong, powerful, seemingly immortal and certain. We look for champions in a world that is dark, unforgiving and terrifying. 

Our heroes stand in front of us, ready to shield us from all that life has to bring; from that which we see and those things we don’t even know about yet.

Heroes, champions, defenders, avengers. They stand apart, and we wait for them to save us.

Your hero may be one of physical combat, or of spiritual guidance. They may be a fighter, trained for years in the arts of war, or they may be a wordsmith, who can move emotional mountains with an epistle; create options with an opinion and create illumination with their imagination.

Whoever your hero is, I can guarantee you one thing. They are not your answer.

If you want a life you can be happy with, one that mingles meaning with madness and reason with responsibility, then there will have to come a moment when you let go of the hand of your hero, and with fear in your heart stand alone to battle the trials that you face.

And standing and withstanding, realizing the truth of your own power, you go on to become your own hero.

As you embark on your own ‘Hero’s Journey’ you realize that the hero is not the one who never falls, but is the one who always stands back up. Regardless of the blow, they return again to the fight. 

Wiser, with a more determined spirit, and with greater knowledge of the battle they face, they continue on through their journey, forging themselves as well as the pathway they are creating.

And over time, your trust in yourself becomes the power that flows through your veins, strengthening all that you do and feel. As you become more authentic, comfortable in your own life and your own opinions, you find less of a need to engage in conflict, and a greater desire to find peace in the world around you.

When you understand all that you can withstand, and have the calm assurance in your soul that you are capable of all that you need to be, your presence is calming, your words soothing and your attention is uplifting.

When you are fully aware of the change you can be in the world, with all that you are capable of, you will act as your own hero, and lift others as well as yourself.

All this is within you, awaiting the day, when you decide to let it out.

And be free.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Faltering footsteps

Faltering footsteps.

Do you ever feel lost? Not just the “I have no idea where I am but I know if I keep driving I’ll eventually hit the freeway” kind of lost. I’m talking about the “I can’t see where I should step next, and I don’t even know where I am going’ kind of lost.

The kind of lost where you just don’t know where to start.

I’ve always been the kind of person who wanted to see the entire pathway before I even got started. My ‘need-addiction’ is certainty (or for want of a better word, security) so I have always been slow to start a new journey until I could see how it was all going to work out. 

That seemed like a good, safe strategy. Until I realized that in not taking any pathway I couldn’t fully see meant that I never chose a pathway at all. I just stayed where I was.

And that was killing me.

So I started a new path. From that new path other possibilities followed, until I found myself chasing in many different directions, with new possibilities around every corner. 

Suddenly there was a strange form of security in continually choosing different pathways, never having to follow one too closely. Always another option, another path, another avoidance, another escape.

It was then that I realized that although I was moving, I was still not progressing. In fact, I was using the constant motion as a security against failure, for never coming to the end meant I could never fail at that thing, because I would change direction whenever something became hard, and the potential for failure reared its ugly head. 

And so I waited too long to move, and then moved in a thousand directions, none of them coherent, none of them specific, none of them leading to somewhere that I wanted to be.

And that was when I figured out just how lost I really was.

So now I’m trying to find my road. The pathway not only of peace, but of purpose, of passion, of presence, and of progression. This work is a step on that pathway, but I don’t know where it is going. I only know that I am on a path, and I’m trying to find my way into my purpose.

I know it is to help, to inspire, to lift burdens, to make hearts lighter, and to align all of what small gifts I have been given into a course of action that will hopefully bring me joy, and finally, after all these years, a small measure of peace.

It is said that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, so here I am. Faltering footsteps through a path I do not understand, cannot see, and can only hope is in front of me.

In explaining this today, I hope to help you realize that our paths are rarely, if ever, laid straight out in front of us. Very few of us ‘have it all together’. Most of us are trying to find our way, and hoping that we are on the right one.

May you find peace and purpose on your journey, today and always.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The case for compassion

The case for compassion.

Have you ever been hurt? No necessarily in a physical sense, although that can be extremely painful, but in an emotional way; deep enough that it didn’t just ruin your day, but scarred your soul, changing how you think, act, react and belong.

If you have, I’m sorry. We’ve probably all been there, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept or get through.

Even though the wound heals, the scar that we live with can still be very painful.

And sometimes we cover that painful scar with shame and self judgment. We restrict access to that part of our soul, never allowing anyone, including and especially ourselves, to see, hear, touch or heal that part of us that is damaged.

At first we may not understand how it affects us, but over time we adopt patterns of protective behavior that unintentionally inflicts damage on ourselves and those around us.

And we never look upon the scar, because the darkness, the chaos, the pain and possibly the self loathing is too great. Alone and unassisted, we are anchored to a reality in the past, that drags on our today, and prevents us from embracing all that tomorrow has to offer.

Until someone comes along who can help us move beyond the way we see ourselves now.

Opening up to that person is so hard. Afraid of judgment, frightened of opinions and scared of condemnation we try for so long to run from that which we know will inevitably catch us.

At some point, we have to be completely open with a person who can help us to heal from the inside, if only we can trust them.

And this is where compassion comes in. If the person to whom we are talking judges us in any way, we are most likely to shut down, close our hearts and pull away from the conversation that we so desperately need.

When what we feel from the other person is understanding, non-judgment, a true desire to help and the willingness to be there in spite of all our weaknesses, then we can open our hearts.

With compassion to uphold us we can begin the difficult process of cleaning out the scars that hold us back from enjoying a life that is truly our own, truly engaging, and truly free.

If you are struggling to find someone with that compassion, I would ask you to please keep searching. We are out here, and truly desire to help you lay down your burdens and grow into happiness.

If you are someone who is helping someone else, I would implore you to do the work necessary on your own soul so that you may approach each person you meet with a heart full of compassion and a desire to serve from your soul.

With compassion, we can carry another’s burdens and allow them to fly free.

As we are all meant to do.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Feeling so guilty for walking away

Feeling so guilty for walking away.

I only met him for a few minutes. The circumstances of his location were less than ideal; cold, loud, the smell of industrial disinfectant mixed with sadness, fear and loneliness. He looked at me with deep sadness in his eyes, and a begging, pleading look on his face. 

I only spoke one word to him, but his response showed me that he knew exactly what I meant, and for a moment, we connected.

And then I walked away and I’ve been regretting it ever since.

I should never be allowed into an animal shelter. We got my first dog when I was 5, and she lived until I was in my middle to late teens. She was my friend, my confidant, my partner in crime. I loved that dog probably more than most of my extended family. 

We had her put to sleep after she had gone blind, and I cried more than I can ever remember. We laid her to rest in our back yard. My dad was probably out drinking, so I got to bury her. A dark memory that still hurts decades later.

So when I met this dog at the shelter, I was haunted by that connection. There was so much of me that wanted to rescue him, and yet I didn’t. My wife, who has been scared of dogs all her life, had even given me the ok to take him home. 

In truth, I was scared to. Scared of how fast I could come to care for a dog I realistically knew nothing about. I was projecting onto him all the love and feelings I had for a good friend who had been there through some fairly rough times in my growing years. 

But he wasn’t the same dog, and I knew that I could end up having to return him if his temperament wasn’t right, and I couldn’t face that. Plus with most of us gone all day, the poor dog would be on his own for a good chunk of each day. All good reasons, all bad excuses.

So I played it safe, and walked out feeling like the worst kind of person.

It’s been 2 weeks, and I’ve thought about that dog every day. Imagined him sitting at my feet, running in fields, going for rides in the car, playing with my sons. Yeah, he’s been on my mind a lot. And every day or so I’ve been checking the website for the shelter, and he was still there. 

Until today, when he wasn’t.

I hope the family that adopted him treats him well. I hope there are long walks, treats, a warm blanket and a loving family in store for him. May he live out his years in love, compassion and belonging.

If you’re wondering where the reflection for today is, it’s simply this. Fear can rob you of the most wonderful experiences of your life, if you let it. I did, and now I get to wonder forever if he really was the good boy he seemed to be in that shelter.

His name was Diesel. He could have been ours.

Don’t make my mistakes. Don’t allow fear to control you.

Just love, and believe.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: This world isn’t what you think it is

This world isn’t what you think it is.

I saw a picture yesterday of Albert Einstein giving a lecture in 1922 on the Theory of Relativity. I can’t imagine how those people felt, listening to this man who they knew to be one of the greatest geniuses the world has ever seen. 

In teaching them about relativity, he was taking their current worldview and allowing them to see that there was a much greater, deeper, richer and more complex universe available to them than they had ever imagined.

Sometimes, that can be a tough pill to swallow.

I’ve been doing that recently with a coaching client. This brave new friend has amazed me with her insight, wisdom, courage and tenacity. She has been willing to look deep into her story and find the ‘truths’ in her life that have failed to serve her. 

This has been painful, yet she has persisted and continues to expand her awareness of herself and her place in the universe.

As we met this week, she had followed through on an assignment to consider 5 truths (or stories) in her life that might not be exactly the way that she thinks they are. Again I was impressed by her willingness to go deep and bring out the hard truths, not something light and fluffy. 

As we picked apart each of these stories and the assumptions that were an intrinsic part of her acceptance of that truth, we began to uncover an interesting statistic.

That 80% of these ‘truths’ that contributed to her worldview were not truths at all – they were merely one way of looking at a situation that fit too neatly with some of the stories she had already been taught to believe by a world that had not treated her kindly.

As our coaching time drew to a close, I gave her an assignment that rocked her back in her chair a little. I reminded her that since 80% of what was holding her back seemed to be false, and yet she was prepared to accept it as real, then maybe it was time to look at some ‘truths’ that she could accept that would support her, empower her and bring her greater light and happiness, even though she wasn’t sure she believed in them right now.

She looked at me like I was crazy. I get that a lot. :)

One of my mentors put it like this. If you are going to believe a bunch of things that aren’t true, then why not believe things that empower you and make you happy. 

In my experience, the ‘lies’ that we don’t want to accept about ourselves are usually the things that can bring us happiness when we understand who we really are, and accept our place and potential in this universe. 

We would rather accept a lie that demeans us, than accept a truth that uplifts us.

Wherever you are on your journey today, I invite you to start a process of examination to see what ‘truths’ in your life may not be the sure foundation that you think they are. 

You might come to realize that a lot of the stories you tell yourself about the world around you are merely a misunderstanding, and that the reality of who you are is more powerful, more radiant, and more ennobling than you are comfortable admitting.

See yourself anew, and become who you already are.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: 100% you

100% you.

There is nothing more dangerous than the lies that we’ve told ourselves. The ones that we don’t even realize aren’t true, because we’ve believed them for so long that we’ve never questioned a single thing about them. 

They live just out of sight in the corner of your eye, coloring your view of the world and its people. Changing the music of your soul, muting it, restricting your contribution to the world and everyone in it.

For me, that lie is “they won’t like me if I’m truly myself”.

I can’t remember how old I was when I first realized that I was different. Definitely by age 8. I didn’t think like other kids. They seemed so much more confident than I felt. They were whole, I was broken, defective, unwanted and unworthy. 

They behaved without caring about the consequences, whereas I tried to understand all the future ramifications of a single action, seeking the timelines that spread across the fabric of the universe, like never ending ripples on an eternal glass topped ocean. I was not like them.

And because I was different, I began to turn down my volume.

I learned to hide away the parts of me that made others uncomfortable and to look away from them, instead of allowing my soul to burn through my intense gaze. I began to withhold the truths I could see in front of me, especially the ones that made others uncomfortable. 

I tried to show the world a calmer, more pleasant, less intense, more quiet, less vibrant and definitely less powerful version of who I could be.

In truth, I began to live a lie, that I was the same. Don’t stand out, don’t risk ridicule, stay safe in the shadows of a quiet life, avoiding censure and pain by blending with the crowd.

The years flew by, and I played the game, continuing to be what I thought they wanted. The ‘good man’, the civilized person, the reliable player in the game. Obedient, agreeable, docile.

And then I woke up. 

I realized that years had passed by, and I had not really been the person I was born to be. I was not striving, failing, rising, succeeding, becoming, changing, helping and serving at the level I was capable of. I realized in one moment the truth of the lie which had held me. I didn’t need to worry about them not liking me if I was myself. 

I needed to worry about not liking myself if I wasn’t completely, authentically and honestly me.

Because in the darkest hours, when the burdens pile on, and the faithless friends have gone, there is one constant that never leaves, never rests and never ever takes a moment’s break. When the night comes, the demons surround and all light seems to have flown, there is one thing you absolutely must have if you are going to pick yourself up and fight the battle.

You need to have faith in yourself, and the only way you can truly believe in yourself is if you have brought everything you have to bring into the world. 

Power aligned with passion and purpose, intensity bound with intention, creativity coupled with compassion and strength suffused with sobriety.

Whoever you are today, be you. 100%. Forget those who will revile you, they are not your friends. Dismiss those who demean you, for they will never stand with you in the darkness. Avail yourself of all your power, and serve at a level hitherto unknown and disbelieved.

Become who you really are. Show the world the truth of your soul. 

And you will find peace in your heart as you come to like yourself.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Life in the realm of questions

Life in the realm of questions.

When we begin as children, we know little. As we start to grow, we are ‘educated’ in the things of the world, and we form ideas, opinions, concepts and viewpoints. 

In our attempt to make sense of the crazy world in which we find ourselves, we take our limited experience, and package it into a nice little worldview that makes us happy in its simple, sincere and singular applications.

As teenagers, we seem to filter out all the truths that would challenge our view of how things ‘are/should be’ and we become the all knowing, all powerful demigods who believe we are omniscient, and express our frustrations with a world that would ‘be much better’ if only it would listen to us. We stand supreme on the sure rock of all that we know about life and its meanings.

And then adulthood begins.

Slowly, time after time, our understanding of the world becomes chipped away, as we thrust forward our theories of how things should be, only to find the sword of our truth blunted on the stone of how things actually are. 

Piece by piece, we reach a new understanding with this experience we call reality, and we come to understand that we really know very little.

Then, in humility and often in painful circumstances, the learning really begins.

It has been said before that in life we take the test, and then learn the material afterwards, but I believe life is less forgiving than that. I believe that we take the test, and then life allows us time to try to figure out what the questions actually were. 

All of us seek for answers, because we like to feel that we are on the ‘right path’, but in my 47 years I have come to believe that the path is really a continuum of continual questions. For each answer spawns new questions, each solution is a single expression of a spectrum and every certainty is the gateway to a new unreality.

My role is to get comfortable with having questions.

If you find yourself struggling in a sea of uncertainty, I invite you today to accept that you will never know all of the answers. The very wisest people I know are those who know a few things, and are willing to discover new questions to guide them along their path.

If you have questions, it means you are moving, and this is a very good thing.

Author’s note: I have found in the past that when I really struggle to write a reflection, it means that someone needed this message specifically. I don’t know who you are, but this one took almost 2 hours to finally appear, so I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone in your universe of questions.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: How do you know if you are any good?

How do you know if you are any good?

I think most of us at some time in our lives struggle with the concept of our personal value. Am I a good person; do I bring anything of value to humanity; do people like me for who I really am; will I be missed when I am gone?

The truly sad part is that we often fall into the trap of trying to ascertain our sense of worth by how we match up to others, and by what others think of us.

When coaching with a client, I try to understand what I call their ‘judgment susceptibility’. That is the percentage of their personal opinions (especially of themselves) that are based in the views of others. 

Unless you have a diagnosable mental illness (psychopath, sociopath, narcissist) we all take the opinions of others into account, but for us to be healthy, the predominant opinion that shapes our self value has to be our own.

Which is a real problem if our opinion of ourselves is not good.

A good friend of mine struggles with this a great deal. As a child, she had a domineering mother with a very forceful personality, and felt a significant need to ‘be’ the person her mother wanted her to be. 

Even though my friend’s mother is a good person, the pressure she inadvertently placed on my friend created a feeling of ‘never being good enough’ that still persists in her heart and soul to this day.

This ‘negative self opinion’ creates within my friend a susceptibility to perceive anything positive in the life of someone else as a judgment against her, reinforcing her ‘self belief’ that she is of little or no worth. 

This is a terrible state to live your life in, as it can seem that the entire world exists primarily to point of your deficiencies, inadequacies and lack of value.

Can you imagine how difficult a life that can be to lead?

The only way I know to bring someone out of that negative self opinion is to help them achieve things that they can take a sense of value from. While I ultimately try to help them see that they have value just by being a sentient consciousness, I find that it is necessary for them to achieve a stable good opinion of themselves before they can ultimately move into a enlightening awareness of who they really are.

So if you ever feel bad about yourself, I invite you to change your opinion by deciding on something that you CAN do, that you believe has value, and then set about DOING it. 

Even something small can ignite a fire in your soul as you begin to understand the truth about yourself that has long been hidden from view.

A good opinion of yourself can only come from respecting yourself, and self respect comes when we do the things that we feel are worthy of respect. You can’t talk yourself into a good self opinion. That comes from doing, and being.

Be you. You might be surprised how wonderful you are. :)

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Why do we want?

Why do we want?

My son gave me permission to write this after we just shared a moonlight conversation on our back patio, and I really wanted to reflect on the truths we shared, and then share them with you.

He is a serious Lego collector, not just someone who plays with Lego, but a creator, a curator, a designer, an artist. He brings to life the most wonderful things, because he is able to see in his beautiful mind images and concepts that most of us can’t, and never will. He’s that gifted.

Yesterday he spent $100 of his savings buying a huge Lego kit of a Saturn 5 rocket. It stands over 3 feet tall, and is beyond incredible to see and handle. I was overjoyed to see him obtain something that truly moved him, and hoped he would find joy in it. 

But within a few hours, he was already planning his next purchase.

As he explained to my wife Holly his goals for the next acquisition, I looked at him in puzzlement, and asked him truthfully, “you just got something amazing, but now you are onto your next purchase…. Where does it end?”. 

He stopped, looked at me and turned away. I was concerned that I might have been too forthright, but I felt it was the right thing to ask.

He retired to the back patio, sitting under the moonlight. I gave him a few minutes, and then pulled up a chair next to him. I wanted to make sure that I hadn’t hurt his feelings, and was ready to apologize if I had been harsh. He looked at me, and simply asked one question…

“Why do we want?”

I knew at that moment that no apology was needed, because in his own wonderful, inspiring and absolutely brilliant way he had moved to the heart of the question. Not for him was the solace of self pity over my poorly chosen words, or the refuge of anger at what could have been taken as a personal attack. 

He did what he does so many times, going to the very heart of the problem with a deep desire to understand and grow beyond.

And so a conversation ensued. I explained that we ‘want’ to fulfill a need that we may not understand that we have. We discussed our needs for certainty, variety, significance, love/connection, growth and contribution. In a conversation lasting approximately 45 minutes we went deep into our hearts as we shared profoundly powerful, deeply intimate truths of our soul.

I explained that the goal of the Buddha was to reach personal enlightenment, and find within himself a peace that eliminated want, by having his needs either balanced or rendered irrelevant by his depth of understanding and perspective. 

I shared with my son my desire to strive eternally for that peace, and to find myself not wanting, not expecting, not transacting, but to live in state of profound gratitude for the blessing of being. Not being something, but intensely thankful just to be.

He listened, he understood, he shared wise counsel with me, and I learned from him. I am so blessed to have a son who is a wiser, kinder, more humble, more serving and more giving person than I think I will ever be. He is my guide and my compass. 

I often think to myself “how would Jared handle this”, and then I try to do that. It’s never steered me wrong.

I may be his father, he may be my son, but in the spiritual realm I am his student, and he is my teacher.

And I am so grateful for him.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Leaving Home

Leaving Home.

Where do you live? It seems a simple question, yet the answer may be more difficult than you can imagine.

When patients in my office ask me where I live, I tell them the name of the city. When they ask where I’m from, I start with the country of my birth, and then explain where the town I was born in is. But for all of that geography, the answer is wrong.

We may reside in a place, but we actually live in our minds, and most especially in our ‘emotional home’.

Your emotional home is really the state of emotion that feels most normal to you, and which you are always trying to “get back to”. That instinct is so strong that it can distort how you see the world around you and how you interpret the actions of others.

Have you ever met that person who for some reason always finds a way to get angry? No matter how carefully you talk to them, how much effort you put into not upsetting them, they find something to interpret as a personal affront, and find a way to the anger in which they live.

Likewise there are some people who live in guilt. They may be the kindest, sweetest people who try their hardest to not upset anyone, yet they walk around with a profound feeling of having done something wrong in their lives. They feel a deep sense of guilt which they cannot explain, and they spend each day afraid to fully express themselves for fear of ‘being wrong’.

For many years, I lived at the corner of blame and victimhood.

Convinced that I had been wronged by the universe in some way, I searched all of reality for ‘truths’ to validate my residence. Once I found those ‘truths’ I would inevitably find someone to blame for it. I had all my reasons worked out, and my beliefs that in turn justified my behaviors. 

Over time, I came to realize that I could stay forever at the corner of blame and victimhood, but the rent was increasingly becoming more expensive. 

Each year I lived there, I was paying more of my time into a house that would never bring me joy, and would eventually crumble around me, after I had sacrificed so much of what could have been looking for something that was never going to be.

So I decided it was time to leave home. That move was larger than the 4,902 miles that I now live from where I grew up.

Leaving the corner of blame and victimhood, I sought a new address, in the neighborhood that had sprung up at the intersection of responsibility and kindness. I found the rent to be more expensive at first, but the more I put into that home, the less it seemed to cost me. 

As I paid in action, which I had previously deemed pointless, I received the wages of self respect. As I invested in humility and humanity, I acquired the interest of joy, balance and peace.

And I found that my new home was a much better place to be.

Today, I invite you to see where you really live, and consider if it’s time for you to move out, and move on. While the journey may seem difficult, the destination may be more wonderful than you can imagine.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The journey inwards

The journey inwards.

When we are born, the world is a new and fascinating place. So many people to meet, things to do, places to go and experiences to feel. We go through our childhood and teenage years filled with wonder and excitement, with our awareness outwards, focused on the world.

That works for a while, and it’s wonderful. It’s new, fun, different and exhilarating.

But eventually we reach that point where things are no longer as easy, and the solutions that we seek are not evident in the world outside of ourselves. Over a period of time, which is different for everyone, we eventually arrive at the understanding that in order to change our experiences, we have to change our focus.

And go inwards. 

With the beginning of our journey, we move from comfortable, safe and easy into a battleground where the landscape is confusing, the enemy elusive and the answers often make little sense. 

Finding truths in the depths of our soul can be incredibly difficult, as we seek to tease truth from the myriad of emotions which swirl in a maelstrom around our choices, fears and tears.

Each truth illuminates another step on the journey, and slowly you progress into the realm of self knowledge, where the bedrock foundation of your soul is laid bare for your understanding, and you begin to live your life in a state quite unlike any you have experienced before.

For the prize of self awareness is a power that allows you to shape not just your destiny, but your very definition. Gone are the questions that plagued you about your feelings, your reactions, your doubts and your fears.

The closer you come to the ultimate knowledge of yourself, peace becomes your guardian, knowledge your shield, a sense of calm your rudder, and a desire to serve your fuel. 

When once you have reached an accord within yourself, the thoughts and behaviors of others cannot harm you, for you have gone beyond their dimension, breaking through into a glorious elevation where you are the judge of yourself, and no earthly opinion brings you down. 

For who knows you better than yourself, and finding balance within yourself, you step forward in the true service of others. Not for any selfish desire, or need to quench a painful fire in your soul, but simply because you know it your heart that it is right, and just.

When once you journey inwards, you are changed, and will see with new eyes, serve with a new heart, love with a greater intensity and resonate at a higher frequency.

The journey is hard, but the rewards, they are enlightening, ennobling, empowering and eternal.

I beg you to start your journey today. Who knows who you will become.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Seeing my weakness through yours

Seeing my weakness through yours.

Life is a journey of joy and sorrows. Sometimes we climb to the heights of our potential, and see horizons to conquer and destinies to fulfill. On other occasions we fall hard and fast into the wake of our own weakness; beaten not by the power of others, but led into darkness on the leash of our own deficiencies.

And we suffer.

And yet we are so different from one another that it can sometimes be hard to understand how another person has the weakness they do. I have found myself at times wondering why someone doesn’t just ‘do’ something that appears to me so easy, and so necessary.

Yet I am reminded of the things in my life that I consistently struggle with. I wrote a while ago about how “my light creates my shadow’, trying to reconcile my gifts with my weaknesses, and seeing that often one creates the other.

My creativity, my improvisational skills and my continually moving brain also contribute to my difficulties in focusing, and to my terrible weakness of conscientiousness.

If you could sit over my shoulder, and watch me through the day, I’m confident that you would become highly frustrated as you see me waste time over and over again, like a child who has too many things to see, to many things to do.

And I’m sure that you would stare aghast my failure to execute on the many small and simple tasks that slip away, and wonder how it is that I even function in the world sometimes.

Do you ever feel this way about people in your life, maybe not with these specific issues, but with other types of problems? I’m guessing you do, or have, and probably will again, until you fully accept and understand your own weaknesses, and begin to see your weakness as the same problem, just in a different manifestation. 

In truth, we all struggle, fall and hopefully rise again.

The next time you find yourself frustrated with another weakness, I invite you to substitute your own in its place. Try to understand your own feelings of weakness, and see the weakness of others through that lens.

I promise you that as you see yourself in the failings of another, your heart will soften as you come to see that we are all beset by a swath of human problems, that tempt, try, temper and torment us all.

None of us are exempt, none of us are beyond.

All of us are one.

--Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection:Making it right at the cost of everything

Making it right at the cost of everything.

If you feel like you’ve been wronged, what do you really want done to ‘make it right’? I was talking with a friend recently who feels like she was mistreated by her husband, who sided against her in an argument. Whether or not she has a point, she seems to have become ‘hung up’ on the idea of him ‘making it right’.

So I asked her what that looks like – him making it right. 

The interesting thing was that she didn’t know, and when I pressed her on it, she couldn’t tell me. I started suggesting different scenarios, beginning with something fairly ridiculous, and working my way down to something that she felt was ‘acceptable’. 

Then I asked her how she would feel having to live under the conditions that she wanted to impose upon him. She admitted that it would be difficult. At that moment I asked her how he should feel about it, and all she kept coming up with was ‘sorry, he should feel sorry’.

And then I asked her the million dollar question… “what if he is already sorry”?

As we talked, she opened up and told me more about how he had apologized. From my perspective he had handled it really well, explaining to her why he took the position he did, how he came to realize he was wrong, and expressed his sorrow that he had upset her.

As our conversation continued, we explored her desire to have him make amends, and in essence to ‘make it right’. She came to the realization that he had already done what she had asked, and that it was her own feelings that were prolonging the argument now.

We also discussed the damage that could be done to their relationship if she continued to hold her feelings of anger, betrayal, disdain and scorn. 

She agreed that projecting those emotions to her husband was unlikely to create the atmosphere that she wanted in her relationship, and that long term, it could prove very destructive to their relationship as a whole.

The turning point came when she began focusing not on her feelings of hurt, but on how she could heal her pain, without hurting the relationship, and instead bring them closer together. We mapped out a few strategies, and she left our conversation with a different feeling than she entered.

How did I know how to help her – because I’ve made those mistakes. I’ve held onto feelings, unwilling to let them go and move forward. Truthfully it’s a poor way to live, and a terrible way to work through a problem in a relationship. I hope I’ve grown since then.

Today I invite you to let go, and look forwards.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Complaining isn’t a strategy, and being snarky isn’t a tactic

Complaining isn’t a strategy, and being snarky isn’t a tactic.

“You know why they say hell is never ending? Because no matter how bad it gets, some idiot can always make it worse by complaining.” – Jordan Peterson.

I have this recurring fear that at the end of my life, there will be some accountant waiting for me, with a detailed breakdown of how I spent my days :) How much time did I spend helping people, how much of my youth was spent over a pool table or a video game, and specifically how much time did I waste complaining about things?

If you were to ask me to divide my life into sections, probably one of the most profound delineations would be the age at which I realized that complaining wasn’t an effective strategy, and I made the conscious decision to try to stop.

It’s not that we don’t have bad days, or that people aren’t difficult, or that the universe doesn’t sometimes play a really cruel game, because all of those are true. 

But unless you are talking to someone who can actually do something about it, complaining is just massaging your own ego.

And the only outcome is that you’ve wasted time you could have spent doing something else, and you’ve attracted even more things to complain about. If you don’t believe me then try it – complain about things, and suddenly you’ll find more things to complain about.

Complaining gets you nowhere, and it gets you nothing. Complaining will NEVER help you progress on your pathway to peace.

And being snarky is just a way to spread your pain around. 

I’ve never met anyone who was full of snark who didn’t secretly feel bad about themselves in some way or another. 

Think about this for a moment. When you are truly happy, you want to share that happiness. 

After I completed my skydive in 2017, I was so happy that I had overcome my fear that I just wanted to share my happiness with everyone. I didn’t matter if I didn’t know you, I just wanted you to feel as good as I felt. It was an amazing sensation, and one I hope to feel again after my next jump.

Whenever I feel the urge to be snarky and say something unkind about someone, I try to ask myself what it is about myself that I am unhappy with. In truth, there is always something. 

The question is whether I will be honest with myself, and allow myself to confront that truth, rather than diverting my attention with an unkind remark.

Someone who complains or is snarky is someone who truly hasn’t found peace within their soul. I know they can be hard to be around sometimes, but instead of our scorn or derision, they need and deserve our love, our compassion and our kindness.

May our light lead them through their darkness, and into a brighter tomorrow.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The gift of total acceptance

The gift of total acceptance.

As human beings we have a tendency to want things our own way. Our view of the world makes sense to us, and so we assume that it should make sense to everyone else. This really creates a problem when we try to assign our values and expectations on others.

As a father of two wonderful boys, I am so grateful to see them turning into young men who seem to have good values and good behaviors. I honestly think this is more a case of who they are rather than the environment they have been raised in, but there is at least one thing we’ve tried to do that may have helped.

We invested a lot of time in their youth to make sure that they knew they were loved. Not for how they acted, or the choices they made, or their good behavior, or their grades, or talents, or for any other marker that we could have chosen.

They were loved deeply, profoundly, intensely and completely because they were, not because of what they were.

Maybe it’s a lesson we learned on the 6th day of being parents, as a skilled team of healers performed open-heart surgery on my oldest son; a surgery that for a while stopped his heart. 

That’s never something easy to contemplate, and still typing this makes me profoundly uncomfortable.

When that’s happening, you soon come to the realization that you want everything to be ok, but honestly, deep in your soul, you have so much love for that little child who is your world, that you’ll take whatever of him you can. 

You know that you’ll strike any deal, pay any price, carry any burden and climb any mountain to have another day, and hopefully a wonderful future, with them.

Because they are. Not what they are, or who they are, but simply because they are.

When you totally accept someone, I truly believe they feel it in your interactions. Gone are any attempts to coerce them into choices you feel are ‘right’ for them. 

Gone are the transactional behaviors of giving gifts that require some service or behavior, or even thanks. 

You do what you do for that person, and you love them the way you love them, regardless of what they do. You accept their choices, even when you don’t agree. You accept that they have views that may run counter to yours, and you don’t try to change them.

There is no greater gift than to totally accept someone, truly, utterly and completely.

It will change your soul, and quite possibly theirs as well.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddbmusings

Morning Reflection: Calling timeout on my own pity party

Calling timeout on my own pity party.

Since Saturday I've been kind of having my own pity party. I’m not proud of it, far from it, but at least at this point I could recognize it.

I think it’s been frustrating for everyone around me, and truth be told it would be easy to stay feeling sorry for myself. But in focusing my awareness, I’ve been able to realize a couple of behaviors that I do that initially start my pity party, and then keep me there.

The first is that I have to change my focus from those around me and who I can serve, and instead place my focus squarely on myself. Obviously that’s a balance equation, because you can’t spend your entire life worried about other people, but it’s far too easy to get caught up in only being worried about me.

Secondly, and I think more importantly, I have to stop asking myself what I can learn from a situation or what I can do, and instead focus on what’s been going wrong and what’s not fair.

And when you think about it, that’s kind of ridiculous, because I know the world’s not fair.

During the last 72+ hours of me having my focus squarely on myself and the injustices of the world, I’ve even found myself falling back into habits of blame and justification. It’s like if I can find someone to blame then it’s not my fault, when the grown-up way of handling it is to stop trying to blame, stop trying to find fault, and just focus on what I can actually do to make the situation better.

But truthfully, that can be hard, and there are times when I foolishly allow my emotional state to transition into a negative one, and things that are hard become harder and I lose my focus and fall back into the habits that don’t serve me.

I’m not saying you can’t take a break every now and then, because it’s hard to maintain complete positivity and remain forward-looking at all times. It takes discipline and the right kind of emotional rituals/habits to keep yourself in a great state, and I’m still working on those.

But I’ve realized that when it do allow myself to take my foot off the emotional gas pedal every now and then, I still have a responsibility to myself and everyone around me to use that time wisely and elegantly, rather than foolishly and self-centeredly. 

So for now my pity party is adjourned. I’m trying to be the grown-up I’m supposed to be at 47 years old. 

As my son says, “some days, adulting is hard”.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings