Morning Reflection: Don’t change the behavior, change the person

Don’t change the behavior, change the person.

I’ve been there. Going into the new year with a list of goals; new behaviors to follow, old habits to break. We start the new year with so many ideas that we overwhelm ourselves and become lost in an ocean of decisions that we weren’t ready for. 

Soon the pressure of so many things occurring brings us emotionally to our knees, and we fall back into old behaviors, sacrificing what could be for what we can do in the moment.

And our plans die for another year, lost in the ever present flow of time.

So this year, I would like to extend a different opportunity for you, one that might prove to be the difference you have been searching for. It’s not easy (in fact far from it) but it has helped me to find clarity and power when making changes in my life. 

It may seem counter-intuitive, but in my experience the greatest changes of my life have all been that way. If you want to make changes that last, changes that can give you the emotional strength to actually follow through, you start by deciding who you are NOW, and live into that.

I know it sounds strange, but bear with me while I try to explain my madness.

It’s not about changing the behaviors of who you are, because that person has already lived the life you are trying to change. It’s about changing who you are into the person who will not do the things you don’t want to do, and into the person who will do the things that you want to do. 
It’s about becoming a certain person, in absentia of all other people. 

Becoming you for you, because of you, in spite of you. Not out of a desire to please others, but to please yourself. Not out of a desire to impress others, but out of a desire to impress yourself. Not to spite yourself, but to become the person you deserve to for yourself.

It’s not about becoming anyone else, but about becoming the best of who you are by your own definition. When you learn to define yourself by the person you wish to be, then you start to factor every action through a simple filter. Would ‘that’ person perform this action? Since I AM that person, how should I handle this decision?

It sounds so simple, but it’s worked for me.

It really starts by deciding who you want to be, and that can be hard because most of us can tell you who we don’t want to be, but have no idea who we want to be. When I did this process, I came up with a list that was kind of surprising, and yet it really resonated with who I am trying to become. 

I’ll share it with you, even though that makes me nervous, in the hopes that you will be able to understand where I’m trying to get to.

My definition list came out as the following (in order of appearance on the list, not necessarily of importance):

Writer, Philosopher, Pilot, Philanthropist, Father, Husband, Guide, Friend, Doctor, Coach, Peacemaker.

Some of those I already am, and some of those I am trying to become. When I let those definitions guide me, I am able to find a different level of strength, a different quality of determination and a different motivation of desire.

And now I wonder, who are you… share with us in the comments if you feel brave enough. :)

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Lesson of Danni

The Lesson of Danni.

Many years ago, I was blessed to have a chance to serve a group of severely disabled children. It wasn’t much in the way of service, just trying to help feed them, but it was also a chance to serve the people who tirelessly served them day after day.

It was an experience that seared my soul, and has remained with me ever since, all because of a 12 year old girl by the name of Danni.

She changed my life in a way I still find hard to express.

She was non-verbal, and did not have the coordination to feed herself, and so I would sit with her and offer her food on a spoon, which she would usually take without hesitation. 

Although she was unable to communicate with me in words, her smiles and her body language spoke volumes to me. And after about 15 minutes of helping her, I was struck by a blinding flash of insight that rocked me to my very core.

Because she was, in her own way, flirting with me.

The moment nearly broke me. The cruelty of her afflictions cascaded upon me as I felt so much love and sadness for her. I knew she was unaware of exactly what she was doing, but in some place deep inside her mind, the woman that she could have become was reaching out through her afflictions, trying to connect with someone. Through my tears, I smiled back, and watched a smile wash across her face in pure joy and delight.

It still hurts me now, almost 25 years later.

Because at the end of our time together, I asked one of the people assigned to care for my new friend what her quality of life looked like in the future. What was Danni’s life going to be? 

With a sad smile, one that spoke to me in a way I’ll never forget, the care worker told me that all the estimates for Danni were that she should have died 2 years ago, and that no one had any idea of how long she had left.

I walked out of that facility with tears in my eyes, and felt unworthy of this gift of life I had been given.

Because there are so many things I could be grateful for, and yet I struggle to be. My very existence and the wonderful wife who puts up with my many weaknesses and frailties. The sons who show me the nobility in their souls, that I might reach to emulate their goodness and kindness. The blessings of being able to share my thoughts and philosophies with you, and the kindness that you have shown me in your comments and messages.

It is unlikely that my friend and teacher Danni will ever have been able to receive most of these blessings.

Because I’m fairly confident that she will have passed on by now, and hopefully moved into whatever comes next to find something better than she received here. It pains me to consider her passing, and it fills me with a desire to try to serve more fully, to give of my life more freely, and to become a better person in all that I do.

Because I have been given the gift of life, of love and of freedom, and I owe it to Danni to live worthy of them.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: It All Depends On How You See It

It All Depends On How You See It.

I was having such a hard time getting going on this piece. I probably should have expected that. Sometimes these pieces just flow, almost writing themselves in a flurry of expressed emotion, and the last few have been like that. 

So it should come as no surprise that I was going to run straight into writers block tonight. I should have been ready for it, trusting that eventually I would find a pathway through, and into a piece that I felt was worth sharing.

And I did, but not in the way I was expecting to.

Because in the past, when this kind of a block hits me, I would start piece after piece, becoming more and more frustrated each time I would falter. Annoyed, I would delete the piece I had been writing, and start over again, desperately seeking that first paragraph that would start me on a course to completion. In digital terms, I was ripping the paper out of the typewriter and throwing it in the garbage can.

But not tonight. Tonight I finally realized a simple truth, by applying one of my favorite pieces of wisdom.

I’ve been training myself, when I become angry or frustrated, to ask the powerful question “Why is this happening for me?” 

It’s a great question, as it focuses me away from the negatives of a situation, forcing me to both find the positives of a given moment and think of ways forward so that I can change a bad situation into a good one. So when I tried that tonight, a powerful realization struck me.

I had been throwing away some really good ideas, that might have been great pieces on another day.

Wow, did I feel like an idiot for a moment. All the work before that I wasted in frustration could have been used another day to inspire, ennoble and uplift. They were all gone, because I allowed my anger (which was really self pity, but that’s for another day) to blind me to how I could have used this situation for the better. 

So today, every time I started to write and got stuck, I simply saved the document with a potential title, and calmly, gratefully, moved onwards to another piece. After a few of these, my mood began to change, as I realized I was actually in the middle of a creative goldmine, rather than feeling like I was lost in a desert of confusion. 

All it took, all I really needed, was simply to change the way I looked at the situation, and take something positive from it, rather than being frustrated with it.

Oh the thoughts I have wasted in the past.

So today, I invite you to ask yourself why something is happening for you. It may be hard to find the emotional space to do that, because you might feel like you have the weight of the world bearing down on you. But I promise you, there is a way you can look at this and feel differently, if you look hard enough. 

You just have to see beyond your fears, and believe in the power of yourself.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Simple

Simple.

We had a very simple Christmas day yesterday. Our family members who live in town were out of town, so it was quiet; just the four of us and our dog Cocoa. 

We got up later in the morning, exchanged presents, did a Lord of the Rings Marathon, ate a wonderful dinner and just spent time together as a family. It was simple, quiet, and beautiful, and relaxing.

And yet for me, it wasn’t enough.

Because a part of me, which looks and sounds a lot like my ego, who wanted it to be different. The presents I gave were gratefully received, and yet I wanted to do more. The things that I wanted to give to my family are as yet out of my reach. 

To my wife they were excessive, and yet to me it made perfect sense. I wanted to give more, but honestly, it’s not out of a desire to give, but to feel better about myself.

I try to be honest with you, because it helps to keep me honest with myself.

My wife and kids have all said that they thought it was a wonderful Christmas. The boys loved giving probably more than they loved receiving, which makes me so happy. 

My sweet wife is learning to navigate her new tablet and Kindle with joy, and if I wanted to, I could take some sense of satisfaction from that, but the part of me that yearns to be better won’t let me rest.

And then I saw a post on Facebook.

A friend of mine, who served a religious mission in a country in Africa, posted about a charity from our town that was collecting funds to buy shoes for children of a town in the country in which he had served. 

He shared hard-to-look-at pictures of these children who had so much less than the basics of life, and who would have been overjoyed just to have received a pair of durable shoes.

Yet I was worried because I hadn’t given the gifts that I wanted to.

As Holly and I talked this evening, she helped me navigate the emotions I was feeling, which ranged from sadness, to remorse, to hope and forgiving myself for my many weaknesses. 

We discussed what we might give to this charity (and yes, it is a legitimate one, because my friend knows the people involved) and how we might work on our sense of gratitude for the things which we do have.

But most of all, we talked about how I need to realize that simple is enough, and to let go of my need to feel like I am ‘enough’ and just focus on what I CAN give, rather than allowing myself to be distracted by what I want to give.

Because in all honesty if I get right down to the painful truth, what I want to give is most often about my ego, and that’s a sign that I still have a very long way to go on my journey.

I have hope that I am progressing. Some days it doesn’t feel like it, and some days it does.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: There’s Some Good in This world

There’s Some Good in This world.

Our house is full tonight. Our two adopted-by-love daughters are here with their husbands, and one adorable adopted-by-love granddaughter. 

There are air mattresses all over the place, the puppy is sleeping with our son in a room that she is not used to, and generally the house is not as it usually is. I’m writing this in bed, grateful for wireless internet that allows me the freedom to do so.

My sweet wife is in her element, with people to care for. I haven’t seen her smile this much in a long time.

And yet as I write this, I am reminded that there are many things wrong in this world that we share. Although this time of year can be one of joy and happiness, it can also be one of loss, heartache and solitude. 

There are many people struggling, emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially. Although I recognize that suffering is part of being human, that doesn’t mean that I have to like it.

That’s one of the reasons that I write this work, in the hopes that it will reduce someone’s suffering either now or in the future.

And it’s hard sometimes, in the face of so many problems, to lose our perspective of life, and become embittered and resentful, and to question if there is any good to be found in this world. If we fall into this trap, we drown our souls in a pool of anger, bitterness and sarcasm, where the kindness and splendor of our virtues are sunk below a surface of darkness and fear.

And we lose that beautiful part of ourselves that makes us most human.

Because our greatest moments as a people, and a species, are when we find that good inside of us, and allow it to pour forth into a world that desperately needs the kindness that we have to share. 

It may not be in a grandiose acts of note, or in great gifts that are publicized and recorded, but in our own quiet, dignified and loving way, we can change the course of history for another, as we share from the abundance of our love and gratitude.

That’s how we change history and the world, one act of service at a time.

And this time of year is replete with opportunities to serve. Whether it’s taking cookies to a neighbor, or reaching out to check on somebody, or sharing a smile to a stressed out checker in a store that’s far too busy. 

Your service may not seem heroic, but to the one who receives your service, you might just be the savior of their world today. The difference you make could be the difference they desperately need to keep going.

The power of your kindness can change the world.

So today I ask you to share your kindness. Fiercely, proudly and unashamedly. Because while this world can be full of doubt, despair and darkness, it is only through the sharing of our light that we can bring hope into the world. 

Although there is struggle, there can be help. Although there is sadness, there can also be joy.

Because there is some good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Against the Definition of You

Against the Definition of You.

Along time ago I read of an African village where they practiced a very different form of societal control when it came to dealing with people who had ‘broken the law’. I have no idea if this is true or not, (I suspect it isn’t) but the idea of it struck me so profoundly that I have never forgotten it. 

The story goes that the offending person was taken out into a field, and for two days people from the village would come and talk with the offender. Their goal wasn’t to punish them. Rather, they spent their time telling the offender good things about them (the offender). 

The idea was to create in that person an identity that was so strongly based in good things, that they would hesitate and eventually choose not to do things that were considered bad.

I’ve loved that idea ever since.

As we have raised our two children, we tried to follow this ideal. Although we didn’t have two days to sit and talk with them whenever they did something wrong, we tried to create in them the understanding that they were a good person, a kind person, a loving person, an honest person. 

Our goal was to instill in them a kind of nobility of character, where they always knew that they had a choice, but that choosing the right was always going to be their path, because it was a reflection of who they were.

Maybe I’m biased (of course I am) but I have two wonderful boys who are growing up to be really good men. Not perfect, but kind, hard working and compassionate. 

I’m not sure how we knew exactly how it was going to work, but I always sensed that building them up into someone who was good was always going to work better than tearing them down into someone who was bad.

For once, it seems that my instincts were correct.

I have seen parenting done the other way, with loud voices, harsh words and disdainful faces. All this transmits to the ‘offender’ is that the conduct they are accused of is exactly the type of person they are, leading to a fulfillment of that communication. 

The offender, believing that they are bad, does bad things because that is ‘who they are’.

And a terrible seed grows in their heart. 

And so in the midst of this thought, I would ask you…Who are you? Are you a loving person, a kind person, a compassionate person, a giving person? If I truly wish to know, all I would have to do would be to watch you for a while, because each of us acts out our identity in our day to day actions, and especially in the way that we treat others. 

But the chances are that you are who you are because you were told you were that way. 

Yes, we all arrive on this good earth with our own temperament, and our own weaknesses, but I’ve found that when I treat people as if they are good, they seem to live up to my expectations more often than not.

And when I love them regardless of how they treat me, they seem to listen to me more than when I treat them otherwise.

Today, I ask you to treat the people around you as if they are all good, and to accept their flaws as simply that; a flaw in a diamond, rather than seeing their flaw as a definition of their whole.

Who knows whose life you could change today.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Being there while I’m here

Being there while I’m here.

When you were child, did you have a special place that you liked to go? Maybe it was a fort that you’d built out of a blanket and some chairs, or a secret tree in which you could climb and read, away from everyone else. For me, it was the ocean, and the chance to listen to the waves, feel the sand beneath my feet and smell the salt in the air.

In my world, the ocean is a place of magic and mystery. It is the very opposite of the mountains that I love, yet it too heals my soul and grounds me in a sense of eternity. But living here in Idaho, I am many, many hours from the ocean.

Except that I am not.

About 25 years ago, I began building the ocean and the beach in my head. It’s a simple place, where I am alone with the elements. I call it simply “The Nowhere Place”, because it is nowhere, and yet everywhere. I have spent so much time building the place in my mind that when I visit there, my brain can barely tell the difference.

And neither can my body.

For in the Nowhere Place, I am kneeling in the break of the surf. I can feel the sun on my back, and the water lapping at my legs as I kneel in the sand. As I look out in front of me, there is an ocean, eternal and resonant. To my left and to my right I see the break of the waves on the sand, going on and on forever. 

Behind me, there is only sand as far as forever can see. In that place, there is no one else. No judgment, no whispering voices, no needs and concerns that have to be accounted for and factored into my behaviors.

There is just the ocean, the beach, the sun and myself.

And it’s incredibly peaceful there. When I visit in my mind, and allow my breathing to slow and lengthen, I feel the tension leaving from me, and peace returning to my soul. In the Nowhere Place there is solitude, and the absence of time. Forever, there is silence, and a profound sense of peace.

And even though I have never ‘been there’, I have traveled there so many times.

Because when you spend so long mentally building your special place in your soul, it becomes a part of you, and it never leaves. The more energy I have spent in visualizing and feeling the sensation, the more it becomes a part of me, and a place within me. As long as I remember the Nowhere Place, I will always have a special escape, and a place to call my own.

When times are hard, and I feel overwhelmed, I go there to restore my sense of balance and control. And while I cannot claim that it always works perfectly, I can tell you that I’ve never regretted one moment spent there, because every thought that has gone into building that place is an investment in the peace and solitude of tomorrow.

An investment that no one can take from me, and that has repaid me many times over.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Who, What, Where, When, Why and How

Who, What, Where, When, Why and How.

If you’ve ever had children, you know that they ask questions constantly. You probably found it cute at first, and then it progressed to being a frustration, as the answers became more difficult to explain, and were less accepted by the recipient. 

One of my favorite from our early parenting years was a well thought out question by my then 7 year old…

“Why am I real”?

Which prompted more questions, and even more questions. What started as an innocent thought gave way to a fantastic dialogue that flowed through issues of existentialism, spirituality, what constituted life and so on. 

What really brought joy to my heart was to realize that each answer spawned more questions, and that he was probably never going to be satisfied with my answer.

And I’m perfectly ok with that.

I’ve been thinking lately about the way that questions move us, while answers seem to stop us still. In aviation, a waypoint is a fixed point that you travel through on your journey to your eventual destination. I think answers are kind of like our waypoints. 

We have to move through an area of understanding (gained by finding an answer) but the answer is never the destination, it’s just a part of the journey.

In all honesty, it’s the questions that move us forwards.

Because a question demands that you do something to find the answer. You can’t just wait around for knowledge to distill upon you, because the universe demands a price for its secrets. 

That price is usually negotiated in struggle, sacrifice and patience, all wrapped up in a determination to go beyond your present now, and a willingness to face the uncertainty in your soul.

And the question allows to you find out for yourself.

Because we all trust the answers that we have generated for ourselves, over those which are given to us. Whenever I am helping people make a massive shift in their lives, I try to ask the questions that will lead them where I feel they need to go, even if it’s only to face the conflict inside themselves that they are unwilling to encounter. 

The right question, at the right time, can move emotional mountains.

Today, if you feel stuck in an area of your life, I invite you to reflect on the questions that you are asking yourself. Because somewhere, deep in the back of your mind, is the answer that you are seeking that will be the waypoint to your next breakthrough, but you have to ask the right questions to seek the answer out.

I promise you, the journey will be worthwhile.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Blanket of Comforting Silence

The Blanket of Comforting Silence.

We took another drive up into the mountains this weekend, to get away and recharge our batteries. Although it’s only about 2.5 hours, the journey is long enough to help me release some of the stresses and concerns of my day to day life, and find peace and solace in the eternal hills. This weekend was especially relaxing because of one newelement. 

Snow.

Driving through the forested canyon that leads into the mountains, we were treated to a spectacular view of snow flocked pine trees, rivers of ice and flow, and a mist that hung in the air bathing everything in a spectral light that danced in the sun. 

The peace was palpable, and for a while we felt like we had trespassed into a wonderland that held its secrets, but would allow us to spend a few moments basking in its glory.

And then we broke out into the valley. This is my moment on the drive, where the trees abruptly end, and the fields suddenly take over. And there they were, acres and acres of untouched snow, where it seemed no man nor beast had dared traverse. 

An undisturbed beauty, stretching out into the eternal hills of rock and ice, where nature seems to end and time begins.

And it was beautiful beyond measure.

As we drove, there was a calming resonating peace in our car. My wife and I said very little, trying not to disturb that moment of beauty and grace. Although we have made this drive many times, for some reason the majesty and splendor of the valley covered in snow was transformed into a timeless moment, where peace and stillness reigned over all the earth, and nature herself had welcomed us into her home.

And the snow was as a blanket of comforting silence.

As the miles rushed by, and we eventually reached our destination, we acknowledged to each other how blessed we were to have experienced that moment together. 

We spoke less this drive, yet the silence was not uncomfortable or unwelcome. We basked in the presence of each other, and were quiet in reverence of all that we could see before us.

We were grateful for the snow, the springtime moisture it will become, and the closeness of the mountains that call us home.

In this season of snow, where nature rests from her labors and the very earth stills and calms, I hope that you can find time to rest, regenerate and reflect. May you grow in wisdom and heal from your wounds in a place of stillness, wherever that may be for you. 

And may you share your peace with others.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Struggling to put right what once went wrong

Struggling to put right what once went wrong.

Do you remember the television show ‘Quantum Leap’? Dr. Samuel Beckett was leaping through time, each show taking him into a new body, a new situation, and a new wrong to put right. 

He had no control over the next leap, no idea where he would end up, and only the vague hope that the next leap would be the one to take him home.

And so he did his best to make things better, even though it would not help him personally.

Oh I wish we could do that. Go back in time, and change events so that terrible things had not happened. How many lives could you save, how much heartache could be avoided? 

How many tears would go unspent if we could only make a few small changes? What kind of a world could we live in if we were in control of time, rather than being its prisoner.

Because make no mistake, although our time is a precious gift, it is also our jailer, trapping us in an ever present now, unable to change the past, and only vaguely able to affect the future.

But the ability to change the future may be the greatest power that we possess.

Of all the ways that we can shape our destiny, a few come to mind as the most powerful. I have written before about our ability to let go, if only we can have a heart big enough. 

Another is our ability to forgive, releasing both ourselves and our transgressor from a lifetime spent in bondage to the past, never truly free to experience the glory of the now or the next. 

But there is one still more powerful, that can change destinies in a heartbeat, and convert fear into power in a moment.

All it takes is one true decision. Born in determination, baptized with action and sealed with commitment. One decision can change your world. Maybe it’s the decision to become the strongest person you can be, or to lose the weight that has plagued you for years, or to finish that course of study that will lead to a life spent in pursuit of a dream.

Maybe it’s to stand up to adversity, and face it head on with every ounce of power you possess. It could be the decision to end a toxic relationship, or to start a new one full of hope, promise and dreams. It might even be to face down someone who has wronged you, and demand what you feel is your due. 

There are so many possible decisions in front of us, that we often fall prey to ‘analysis paralysis’, failing to choose a direction because of a plethora of options.

Wherever your decision leads you, may you find joy both in the journey and the outcome.

For the greatest lives are those lived in the pursuit of dreams, not hidden away in the darkness of fear. It is true that we cannot change yesterday, and we struggle to live in today. 

But I promise you, tomorrow is there in shining resplendent glory, waiting for you to reach out your hand and grasp it firmly.

Your future is yours. Go get it. 

You’ll be so glad you did.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Learning to Live with Ourselves

Learning to Live with Ourselves.

There are many theories about why we are here. For some it’s a random accident, after an explosion of nothing into something. For some, it’s a belief in something greater than us, directing and controlling our reality as we learn to become something more than we are. For many, it’s a mystery of intention and progression, as we evolve physically and spiritually. 

I don’t claim to have answers. Those of you who have followed this work will know that I’m all about the questions that guide us, rather than the answers that control us.

But since we are here, I’ve tried to see what I can learn along the way. Recently I’ve become encumbered with the possibility that one of the reasons we are here is to learn something incredibly difficult, yet so intimately personal that we can never fully share the burden with others. Something that is possible to each one of us, yet eludes almost all of us.

We have to learn to live in harmony with ourselves.

Maybe that’s easier for you than it is for me, I don’t know. I’m lost even at the possibility of quantifying such a conundrum. How do you scale your sense of peace, or measure your balance over time? 

What calculation can satisfy the understanding of our actions when weighed against the intentions of our aspirations? Is there a unifying equation that allows us to determine that harmony of who we are with who we believe we should be?

I struggle to find the formula for solving peace.

All I know is that it seems to be unique for each of us. We all have to find our own way through this life, and through our own conscience. For me, this balance is fleeting, elusive and fragmented. As I progress along my path of awareness, I am made aware of how great the discrepancy between my actions, and the principles that I espouse actually is. 

So I try to align one with the other. 

Imperfectly, with a greater desire than understanding, I seek to weave a tapestry of integrity between the me who is and the me who should be.

Each stitch in this work is hard fought, as I seek to heal many wounds with understanding, and find congruency within the many facets of my soul. Always searching for that elusive moment where the universe rotates into focus, and for one moment I find peace in abundance, filling my very being with an indescribable balance of light, wherein I might rest.

And find a way to live with myself in peace and harmony.

But for now, that peace is beyond me, and harmony is so hard to find. So like all who are before me, around me and after me, I step forward into my journey, hoping that one day I will find the completion of my understanding, and an alignment of all that I am with all that I aim to be.

Until then, I struggle, seeking and striving for that next alignment of my soul.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: “I don’t have any feelings”

“I don’t have any feelings”.

She stopped almost as soon as she said it, and you could tell by the look in her eyes she knew there was no way I was going to let that slide. And she was right. I’ve been coaching her for a few months now, and she’s become very wise to my strategies and techniques. 

She’s also come far along enough in her own journey to realize the complete fallacy of that frustrated statement, and what it was covering.

And she was right. I called her out on it – immediately.

When we first started this journey together, her goal was to have me help her improve her relationship with her son. She was ready to tell me everything that she wanted me to know, while keeping herself in the background as much as possible. 

That immediately caught my attention, and within a few minutes of talking to her it became very obvious that she was hurting.

Her desire to improve her relationship with her son was very real, but it was the gateway to a whole lot more.

Slowly, as we have gone deeper and deeper into her soul we have uncovered so many things, and I am truly in awe of the person she has become given all that she has been through. But even though I admire and respect her, there’s no way she was getting away with that. To do anything else would have meant doing her a disservice, and that’s not how a coaching relationship works.

So I pushed. Not hard, but gently and firmly. 

She was honest enough with herself to admit to feelings that were painful. It’s hard for her to allow these things to the surface, because it hurts when we have to process the trauma of events that we have kept buried for so many years. She has perfected the art of suppressing her feelings deep down, and facing life with an emotional backpack that is overflowing with pain, longing and regret.

She carries a heavy load, and it’s time for her to put some of that down.

We’ve been fighting through her emotional barriers of late; both the ones that she understands and the subconscious ones that she’s completely unaware of. It’s been hard, but I’m so proud of the progress she has made. 

She’s really improved her emotional fluency, and her self-awareness is so far beyond where we started that it’s hard to recognize her. 

But every so often she backslides just a little, and that’s why I’m here.

The sad truth is that all of us carry our emotional backpack that weighs us down. Maybe it’s a belief that we have, or an event that caused us to feel intense pain, and rather than process that emotion, we have hidden it deep inside our pack where no one can see. 

We try to forget about it, but the weight of it is still there in our soul. Slowing us down, and preventing us from enjoying everything that life has to offer.

So today, I invite you to open your backpack and take a good deep look into your soul, and see if there is something that you could benefit from unpacking and leaving by the roadside.

I promise you, you will be glad that you did.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Stripped

Stripped.

Have you ever considered who you would be if we took away all of your accomplishments, all of your possessions, all of the trinkets and things and gadgets and rings? 

If you had no tangible way to measure your worth against that of another, would you then try to measure your virtues, your strengths or your talents. Suppose there was no way to attach any self worth to anything you have, or own, or have done or become.

How would you measure yourself then?

Imagine the confusion you would feel as the lifelong habits began to fall away. Would you feel anxious, uncertain and lost? Imagine how our world would change if in one shining moment, we lost our ability to judge our place in the herd, and instead had to value everyone as equal to ourselves. 

After a period of adjustment, in which many tears would be shed, I think we would find a new reality that would shock us all with its majesty, its wonder and awe.

Imagine a world where we were all equal.

Not necessarily in our possessions, or our talents and skills. Not even in our character or our achievements. Simply equal in our value as a human being, without quantification or qualification. 

A fully worthwhile member of our race, just by being one of us. Can you imagine how unique, and wonderful that would be? 

And all we have to do to reach it is to see each of us as we really are.

I’ve been working on that over this past week, but primarily focused on myself. I am learning a new skill, one that is described as ‘detachment’. One of my newest mentors has written of the need to learn to let go of the need to attach our sense of worth to our accomplishments, with the understanding that once I can see the accomplishment for what it really could be, I will be able to progress through it without the fear of failing and the accompanying feelings of a loss of significance or value.

And I am finding this one incredibly difficult.

For so long, my sense of value has been attached to my abilities, my outcomes, my talents and my skills. To give those up as a ‘value judgment’ and instead allow myself to have value without the need to produce, or to excel, or to ‘be the best’ is proving to be much more difficult than I have ever considered. And I think I may have found out why.

Because underneath, I question that I have any value at all.

In seeking detachment, I find engagement. Not with the world, but with my own opinion of myself. Not the one that I know, but the one that I feel. In confronting my deepest opinions of myself, I am forced to examine my darkest beliefs, and face myself in the past, the present and in the future.

This is no easy thing to do, and I feel that I have struck out onto a new road on my journey. I am unaware of the direction, and I an uncertain of the outcome, but I feel the steps I am taking are in the right direction.

And I wonder. Who are you when you are stripped of everything? Would you like yourself then?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Transference of Light

The Transference of Light.

What is a reflection? It may be an image that allows you to see yourself in a different way, or maybe a deeper thought upon a subject or event that yields greater knowledge, deeper wisdom, a surer peace. 

But at its heart, at its very core, a reflection is the movement of a photon from one source to another direction.

And the movement of a photon is really the transference of light.

Today marks the first anniversary of this work, that started as a personal search to find the voice inside of me that had been stifled under years of frustration, confusion and sadness. Over the last year I have written over 250 pieces of work. That amount seems staggering to me. 

Yet night after night, I sit at this laptop and the words flow from within. Sometimes the piece almost writes itself, and some days I feel like I am squeezing the very language, concepts and contexts of this work from a dried husk that refuses to give up its moisture.

Yet day after day, piece after piece, the work has progressed. And along the way, something magical has happened. 

People have shown up to like, comment and share both this work, and their thoughts and ideas. When I began writing, I wondered if anyone would find it worth reading, and yet I am moved beyond words with gratitude for the kindness that has been shown me. 

From a desire to be transparent, I have shared some of my highs, and more importantly, my lows, and this ‘community’ has been understanding and supportive.

This last year has been a privilege and a blessing.

And as I move into the second year of this work, I find myself carried upon a cloud of ideas. I feel that I need to do better in explaining the concepts that I feel I can share. 

I have a desire to begin to widen the scope of this work into relationships and communication, as well as reflections and a philosophy of life. I find within me an eagerness to expand the depth of our interactions, and serve you at a higher level than I have so far.

In short, I wish to become a transference of light. 

I realize that I need to share not just my words, but my voice and my vision. And the thought of that fills me with trepidation, because although I strive to maintain my own counsel, I am not immune to the thoughts and feelings of others. 

In growing forwards, I must lay down my fears and move beyond them, treading each step forward into the mist of tomorrow with courage, compassion and clarity.

My fervent desire is that I can share the truths I find as I grow, and the things that I share can help you to find a greater happiness, a deeper fulfillment, and a more profound sense of peace. 

For ours is a universe of war and wonders, pain and passion, success and struggle, sadness and peace. I wish to serve you in a way that will bring you a greater light in your universe, and that you might share that with others along your way.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am most blessed to share this world with you. Here's to our next year together.

Alan Barnes.
Morning Reflections.
December 11, 2018.

@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Mind the Gap

Mind the Gap

If you’ve ever traveled on the Tube/Subway in London, you probably heard this statement over the intercom. When a train pulls into a station, there is sometimes a gap between the edge of the platform, and the door of the train. 

The phrase “mind the gap” is supposed to remind people not to get their foot stuck in the gap, because obviously that could really ruin your day.

Hence the phrase “mind the gap”.

But there is a gap in your mind that is far more dangerous; which causes so many problems for people, and is routinely ignored by most of us. It’s the gap that should exist deep in our mind and as a part of our souls, but is mostly ignored, or even worse, unacknowledged. 

When treated properly, this gap is responsible for our most profound growth, and when we ignore it, we fall prey to our greatest weaknesses.

I’m talking about the gap between observation of an event, and the meaning that we ascribe to it.

For much of my childhood and young adult life, I was ignorant of the gap. I saw no choice in the emotions that ruled me. When something happened, I reacted. That was all that I knew. 

I was ignorant of how my underlying feelings manipulated how I created meanings from events, and that ignorance cost me greatly in both time and money.

And yet when I was first introduced to the gap, I fought against the concept.

Because there is a certain simplicity and lack of responsibility in living without the gap. If I have no choice in my feelings, then I have no responsibility for them, and there is a sense of freedom that comes when living without responsibility. 

Of course it’s a lie, but it’s one that feels right at the time, because it allows us to fill so many emotional needs with the lies that our brain conveniently supplies for us.

Filling our needs with emotional lies is the very opposite of awareness, but it is so tempting to indulge.

When we first become aware of the gap, it’s hard to accept that we have that responsibility, especially when you come to understand that magnitude of it. 

Once you accept the path of self-awareness, of self-responsibility, then you take ownership not only of what you do, but of what you think. You begin to realize your responsibility to the world to show up as the very best you that you can, and it all starts by accepting your responsibility for your own gap.

With apologies to Mr. Armstrong, accepting responsibility is one small step for you, but one giant leap for your awareness.

And the more aware we become, the wider that gap expands, and we gain control over our interpretation of what our life really means.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Growing Pains

Growing Pains.

Do you ever wish that growth wasn’t so painful? I do. In the times of my life where I have grown the most, it’s usually been accompanied by a fair degree of struggle and discomfort, and sometimes some fairly intense pain. 

Maybe that’s because I waited to change until the consequences were so painful, that it was easier to bear the pain of growth rather than the pain of not changing. Or maybe there’s always some struggle associated with changing yourself.

But honestly, I’m starting to believe differently.

I’ve found recently that there are changes that you can make that have no pain associated with them, other than the pain you are giving up. Changes that can be so profound that your whole life can pivot in an instant, and find an alignment with your future. 

The changes can seem incredibly hard, but in reality it’s a simple choice, a single decision, one solitary moment.

And you simply ‘let go’.

Letting go is one of the greatest techniques to moving forward in life, but it can be difficult to do. I was once incredibly blessed to help coach a woman with a difficult adult child. This brave woman had spent so many years trying to ‘help’ her adult child through legal problems, and behavioral issues. I began coaching her after seeing her in tears, and desperate to understand how she could ‘save’ her child.

You can image how I felt when I had to tell her that she couldn’t.

In one incredibly powerful, and very humbling coaching session, we managed to find a way for her to ‘let go’ of her need to ‘save’ her child. This came about after I helped her to see that in trying to ‘save’ her child, she was really trying to justify the years she had spent in an abusive marriage. 

Once she realized, through tears of understanding, that she could never change what the past was, she was able to actually serve her child as a mother by helping her child through the process of suffering the consequences of their actions.

I’ll never forget her inspiring example of courage and true love when she let go of her own personal needs, and served her child in the right way, even though it was momentarily painful for her to do so. 

Once she ‘let go’ of her own needs, you could see the pain leave her body. She changed from a desperate, crying, hurting and forlorn woman into a resolute, strong determined and powerful mother who made the correct choices for her child, knowing that it was the right thing to do.

All because she was able to let go.

Today, I invite you to look deeply into your soul and see what you can let go. Maybe it’s your need to be right all the time, or to seem like you know something when you really don’t. Or maybe it’s your need to be ‘successful so you can finally have a sense of self worth’. 

Maybe it’s your need to receive an apology from someone who is never, ever, going to see it your way and apologize.

There are so many things in our lives that we can ‘let go’ of and find a greater joy, a deeper peace, a sweeter resolution. May you find your pathway to letting go today.

And may it bring you joy.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrmusings

Morning Reflection: Climbing Out

Climbing Out.

As the plane sits at the end of the runway, there’s this sense of anticipation. I feel the vibration of the engines through the seat, and await that moment where the pilot pushes the throttles forward, knowing that I’m going to feel that pressure in my back as we accelerate down the runway. 

As we reach takeoff speed, I close my eyes and allow the emotions of joy and gratitude overtake me as our wheels leave the ground, and we are climbing out, climbing away, climbing into forever.

We have not wings, yet we can fly. What greater testament to ourselves than that.

Yet I didn’t always feel this way. My original love of flying was destroyed after a particularly turbulent flight from Los Angeles to London over 20 years ago. 

Although the Captain assured us we were perfectly safe, I remember being huddled in my seat as the plane shook and rattled all around us. For a portion of time, I was convinced that I was experiencing my last few hours on this good earth.

And it changed me.

Anticipation was replaced by anxiety. Joy replaced by terror. A sense of wonder was swallowed up in an overwhelming, suffocating feeling of helplessness as I realized that my life was dependent upon the skill of the pilot and those who had assembled the aircraft. 

Although the plane arrived in London essentially unchanged, a seed of fear was sown in my heart. It was watered and nourished by a flight on our honeymoon, and years later by a horrendous flight into Reno that probably made a pilot’s highlight reel.

But I was determined not to allow this fear to control my life.

I learned a long time ago that the antidote to fear is knowledge, and so I began learning. I would listen to air traffic control here in Boise while working. I watched video after video on YouTube. 

I came to understand how a plane flies, how rigorous the testing is, and how many planes fly each day without incident. I visited an air traffic control tower, and talked with many pilots.

And in a strange quirk of fate, fear changed to love.

I really fell for flying the day a very kind friend flew Holly and me to lunch in his plane, and allowed me to fly it for a few minutes. I can’t really describe how it felt, other than to say that I’ve never felt more at peace, and genuinely calmer and happier, than in that cockpit that day. 

Watching the world pass by, we saw this wonderful planet in a way that I had never done before. There’s nothing like the view from the cockpit to remind you of just how fragile life on this planet is, and how we are so blessed to experience every day.

In the words of the great Felix Baumgartner “sometimes you have to get up really high, to see how small we are”.

Now I look forward to every flight with a sense of wonder, of gratitude and amazement. For we who are born without wings are able to soar higher than those who have them, and we can see beyond the horizon into the eternities.

How blessed we are. How blessed we are.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Alignment of Light in the Dark

The Alignment of Light in the Dark.

Life is confusing, isn’t it? Because no matter how well you prepare, or how much experience you have, there are going to be those times when you are walking in darkness. 

Not literal darkness, although that can happen as well, but I’m talking about the darkness of direction, when you just can’t work out which way to move forwards, and every direction seems to be the wrong one.

Especially when you are journeying through your own soul.

It never fails to amaze me just how lost we can feel. Over the past 2 years, I’ve been trying to find the proper direction for my life; one that balances my skills with my desire to serve, with a need to provide for my family. 

For most of those 2 years, I feel like I’ve been running in different directions, but I keep running into the same type of walls in that darkness. Walls built out of fear, of procrastination, of uncertainty and especially of confusion.

And I struggle to see where I have made any progress.

Yet within that darkness, there are occasional flashes of light, when I feel like I could be on the right path. And very rarely, there comes a moment where the flashes of light align, and I can see somewhat of the pathway forwards. 

These alignments usually come as I strive to make a significant jump, and in times when I desperately need to move beyond where I currently am.

I have received such an alignment over the last couple of days.

From three separate, and very disparate sources, I received a flood of understanding. One is a man now in his later years, another a young woman with wisdom beyond her years, and finally a spiritual teacher who has lived a life so very different from anything I could have imagined. I doubt they know of each other, but together, they have helped illuminate my pathway beyond where I am right now.

And to each of them I feel a profound sense of gratitude.

But the philosopher in me struggles to find a sense of meaning in the actuality of the alignment. Is this grace from above, finding something that was always there, my intention drawing things into my orbit, noticing things that were always available, or just a random alignment of the universe? I wish I could stop asking questions and just take things at face value, but unfortunately that is not my way.

Mine is the path of eternal questions, and very little peace.

But although I can question the alignment and it’s source, I can still learn from the wisdom passed on to me through their words. 

And I am grateful for their contributions.

In 6 days time, I will have been writing this work for a full year. Whenever you have arrived here, I want you to know that I am so grateful for your presence on this journey. That my path has somehow intersected with yours is such a blessing to me, and I hope you have received something of value that has helped you along your way.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Thoughts You Call Home

The Thoughts You Call Home.

There’s somewhere you probably live quite often, sometimes without even realizing it. It’s always there, ready for you to move in any time you like. The rent is free (but terribly expensive), and you’ll never have to leave if you don’t want to. 

Best of all, it’s comforting and soothing, and you’ll always feel like you belong. You can build it anyway way you desire, and it will justify all of your emotions.

A simple little place called “Your Emotional Home”.

The concept of an ‘Emotional Home’ is not one I came up with, but from the moment I heard it, the truth made perfect sense to me. As I reflected on my own emotional home at the time, I realized that the foundation was made up almost entirely of self pity. 

I had built some of that home out of feeling like a victim, and some out of a sense of entitlement. The roof was made of a sense of superiority, and the garden was row upon row of excuses and justifications

I liked that home at first, but eventually I came to realize it was trap. I hope you’ve never been there.

I could live in it, and always feel like nothing was my fault. When I ran back to that house, I could close the windows and shut out the sound of the truths I didn’t want to hear. I could throw my own pity parties, and then feel badly treated when no one came by to wallow in my own self pity. 

The terrible thing about that home was that I always felt justified and vindicated, which were terrible barriers to my growth and happiness.

There’s nothing more dangerous than the vindication of your own weaknesses.

Thankfully, after living there for too long, I came to realize what residing there was doing to me. And so I took the big step of trying to move into a better home. It was, and in some ways still is, very hard work. I’ve had to try to lay foundations of humility and honesty. 

It turns out they are heavy burdens, but they make excellent stones upon which to build. The walls are coming together, with a combination of hard work, diligence and service. It takes a lot of bricks to build, but I am laying them time after time.

And slowly my house is coming together.

The roof is hopefully going to be shingled in a beautiful shade of service and giving. I’ve heard they can be difficult to carry up sometimes, and even more difficult to place properly. 

But I’ve been assured by some very knowledgeable people that the end result will make me very happy. I’m trusting them, which is also what I’m making the windows out of, so I can see the best of humanity, rather than looking for the worst.

I try to live in my new emotional home as much as possible. It’s hard sometimes, and I find myself accidentally moving back into my old home for a little while. It is getting easier to move into my new home each time, and I find myself longing for my old home less frequently.

That’s not to say that everything is easier in my new home, in fact it’s far from it. It’s just that my new home makes me much happier in the long run, and so I’m building, day after day, until my new home is complete.

And I’m curious. Where is your emotional home?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: So Quiet You Can Hear Your Soul

So quiet you can hear your soul.

If you and I were talking together after a long week, what would I hear? I don’t necessarily mean the words, although they would certainly be part of it. But I wonder what your body language would tell me, what the inflections in your tone would indicate, and what your expressive eyes would reveal to me, that would actually be a revelation to you.

Because usually we are so busy being who we think we are, that we never stop to actually listen to the sound of our soul, so that we can discover who we really are. It can be an uncomfortable experience, but trust me when I tell you that it can change your life.

But it requires silence to hear who you are.

Not necessarily the absence of noise, although that can help, or the elimination of visual distraction, although that’s definitely a plus. I’m talking about having your mind so quiet that you can hear your soul.

And that requires a special kind of silence. To truly listen to ourselves we first have to turn off our ego, that part of our mind that protects us from the difficult feelings we try our very best to avoid. Then we have to welcome the truth that can hurt, so we can discover that which can progress us beyond. 

And finally, we have to release all that we think we know about ourselves, so that we can clear our preconceptions, and learn with a mind open to all possibilities.

Sounds like a lot doesn’t it? It’s actually a lot harder than it sounds.

Because to truly listen to your soul, you have to go into the realm of understanding ‘how’ you work, not just what you are doing right now. By how I mean understanding that your awareness is different from your emotions, and that your knowledge is different from your feelings. 

Separating out those facets of your soul is tricky, and requires a gentle touch, a seeking mind, and a compassionate heart.

It’s like doing surgery on yourself, while forgetting you exist. I never said it would be easy.

But the good news is that you have forever to practice, and you will reap benefits from beginning your practice today. So I’d like to invite you to sit quietly and just listen to how you feel. Are you stressed, and if so, why? Are you happy, and if so, why? Are you angry, or frightened, or overwhelmed, or sad or any of the other myriad of possible states of being?

Or maybe it’s that belief that you have that’s holding you back, creating painful emotions every time you move forward.

Whatever you find, when you truly listen to your soul, you’ll be able to chart a course forward in your life that will sail you in the direction that your heart needs. Because ultimately, listening to your soul is the only way to discover the truth of who you really are.

And like they say, the truth will set you free, but it can also bring you peace.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings