Morning Reflection: The Attraction of Authenticity

The Attraction of Authenticity.

As I was treating a patient in my office today, he remarked on some of the things that he finds enjoyment in. I wasn’t surprised when he indicated that he was looking forward to his next cigar, and a nice glass of Scotch. 

He asked me what I look forward to, and after a few moments of quiet reflection I informed him that what I really enjoy, what I absolutely love, is a deep, personal and authentic conversation.

Because I find authenticity to be an endangered commodity in our world today.

I’ve been thinking about that for the rest of the day, wondering why I felt moved to use the phrase ‘authentic conversation’. What is it about someone who is ‘authentic’ that really attracts us? Why do we struggle to be authentic ourselves? How do we let down the walls that we build to hide behind, and walk in the truth of who we are?

And the answers came in one simple word. It’s all about connection.

Because an authentic connection is a joy to our soul. How refreshing it is to be around someone who is just themselves. No games, no pretenses, and no lies to cover the truth of their tracks. The beauty of finding an authentic soul is the encouragement we feel in their presence. 

When they are honest about their faults and flaws, and are still able to be happy with themselves, they become a lighthouse for us, guiding us to the truth of who we really are.

And the discovery of ourselves is the pathway to peace in our hearts.

As we become a world more connected, we also seem to be creating a world where we are less authentic than we used to be. Social media allows us to spread the picture of a perfect life, full of joy and wonderful moments, where everyone seems to be fit and healthy, and where life is judged by the value of the house you live in, rather than the depth of love, compassion and honesty in your heart.

But there are souls out there who are just who they are, and they can light up your world.

One of my very good friends is also one of the most authentic people I have ever known. She is an embodiment of love, friendship and kindness wherever she goes. 

I think sometimes some people are not sure how to be around her, because her deep commitment to authenticity means that she is unabashedly emotional, and unashamedly honest in all her communications.

When she tells you she loves you, as she does to so many people, she means it. She really, really means it. 

And when I am with her, I find myself accessing my deeper, more authentic self. In her presence I can be open with the truths of myself, and discuss them in a way that brings greater understanding and joy to my life. 

As I am more authentic with myself, and with her, I find it is easier to speak of the hard truths in my life, and to grow from their discussion.

Authenticity is one of the keys to our growth, but it is also one of the keys to our happiness.

May you find joy on your journey today, and may the truths of your life bring you peace in all that you do, and may you find the courage to let your light shine, and be a little more authentic with everyone who you meet.

The world needs you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Presiding Principles of Peace

The Presiding Principles of Peace.

I’ve been meditating a lot this week on the concept of peace. Not the peace that is silence, although I crave that as well, but the peace that is the absence of conflict manifested in a stillness of a moment. 

A timelessness that suffuses all with a calm, eternal and encompassing presence of balance. In my thoughts, I have come to realize that peace is available to me, if I will choose to accept it.

But I find it hard to make the changes necessary to accept peace, instead of finding peace.

Because the thoughts and feelings that deny my acceptance of peace are deep, and powerful within me, and they will not yield easily. I find myself struggling with the concept of faith, both as an abstract conceptualization, and also as a belief that things will work out ok. 

In this I realize that I am fighting against the principle of non-control, which would allow me to release all interest in outcome, and simply be absorbed in the moment; finding joy in appreciating what is, rather than what I wish to be.

And control is one of my many emotional addictions.

I find myself constantly struggling against judgment, not necessarily of others, but more of myself. At a logical level, I understand that the act of judging is really an attempting at finding a sense of significance, and that this violates the principle of selflessness, which guides the peace seeker onto the path of humility and love. 

I find myself possessed of a constant underlying self judgment that keeps me focused on myself, even though negatively, and moves me further away from a sense of peace when I follow the principle of selflessness.

And the judgment, rather than the acceptance, of self is something that I contend with constantly.

Living in opposition to the presiding principles of peace is not something that I do willingly, yet I am haunted by the possibility that the choice is one that I could make, if only I could work through the next presiding principle, which is courage. 

I find that an interesting concept, that the choice to accept peace may be a courageous one, requiring a willingness to accept the balance of life as it currently stands, and not need or desire more.

As someone who grew up with less, I am haunted by a constant desire for more. It never rests, and so I get no rest.

And so if the presiding principles of peace are a willingness to believe, an ability to be humble, and the courage to accept life as it is, I ask myself why I cannot arrive at an emotional balance where these principles are a part of me. 

What holds me back from this acceptance that could lighten my burdens, and release me from the shackles of my struggles and strife?

And I am forced to admit that the thing holding me back is a fear that in giving up my emotional addictions to control, to selfishness and to desire, I will be baptizing myself into an eternal feeling that I will never be enough.

And so I struggle to find peace on my terms, rather than to accept peace on life’s terms.

And I wonder if I am wise, or a fool.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Humanity, in Perspective

Humanity, in perspective.

If you were to believe all that you see and read, we are a terrible species. In their rush to ratings, the news outlets bombard us every day with the salacious, the scandalous, the secret and the shocking. The louder the headline, the greater the viewers. 

Truth has fallen victim to greed, and kindness has been murdered by callousness. If you believe all that the media has to share with you, we as a people are not worthy of respect, are unworthy of graciousness and unable to control ourselves.

If you believe the media, and a good deal of social media, we are not worthy to survive.

And I can’t fully express how completely, vehemently, passionately and lovingly disagree with that message, and all it stands for. I am so tired of hearing only the bad about us, that I have in essence switched off from the ‘news’ media. 

Most of the things I see in the news are stories that I can do nothing about, and reading them does nothing for my soul, my peace and my happiness. Recently I decided that I would try to see good things every day, and carry those in my heart instead.

And you would be amazed at the things I have seen.

People who the media would deem unimportant and not newsworthy performing beautiful, courageous and moving acts of kindness in perfect silence. Seeking not their own gratification, or compensation, they give of their time, their talents, their wealth and their love. They lift up others, and move our species another step close to the peace that we all hope for.

And their stories go unnoticed, unless we ourselves share them with others, and glory in their goodness, their kindness, their beautiful humanity, their timeless compassion.

For we must be the media of the world in which we wish to live. We who have been gifted this wonderful invention of communication have upon us a responsibility to share that which uplifts, ennobles, edifies and engages. We must be the historians of Humanity, recording and revealing the essential elements of our shared selflessness. 

Our words of today can be the echoes of the future, pleading with those both then and now to move beyond the worst of who we could be, and evolving instead into the epitome of who we can be.

Because Humanity, despite the malevolent message of the manipulative media, is a species worth saving, worth cheering, worth fighting for. 

In our everyday acts of compassion, we reveal not only the sublime, sacred and saving nature that is inside of us, but we build the bridges, the bonds and the bastions of a civilization that can truly be civilized. 

Built upon foundations of respect, kindness, compassion and caring, we can share a brighter future, a greater tomorrow and a closer kinship one with another.

Today, I stand for humanity, and marvel at its potential.

Today, I invite you to cast down the lies of the world that tell us we are not worth saving, and instead lift up your voice as we champion not just the goodness we see, but the kindness that we don’t.

Because it’s there, inside each one of us. If we believe that we are better than we are told, then we will live to be the best of all we can be.

And I, for one, cannot wait to see that light made manifest in all its glory.

If these words have moved you today, I would humbly ask that you like, comment upon and share this post, so that we can move this work forward. I truly believe we can make a difference together.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrmusings

Morning Reflection: The Thief of Hearts

The Thief of Hearts.

She arrived 19 days ago, as a ball of fur. 11 weeks old, and everything a silver lab puppy should be. Precocious, energetic, possessed of a desire to chew everything, a tail that never stops wagging and an inexhaustible love of life. 

Oh, and incredibly food motivated. Maybe that’s all puppies, but I think she’s pushing the envelope a little.

And in those 19 days she’s taken over our hearts and our lives.

Since she showed up we’ve had shoes stolen, towels vanished, ears and noses nibbled (not bitten hard though) and a pair of yellow leather work gloves completely destroyed. I like to roughhouse with her, so I’ve sustained a fair number of scrapes and scratches. 

She’s never been left alone, in fact she’s never even slept alone yet. Even though we are crate training her, there’s always one of us out here on an airbed at night, and sometimes two of us.

And for us, it’s a joy and a privilege to be with her.

Maybe it’s the unconditional love that she extends to us every time we return after being gone, or maybe it’s the wonder of seeing a new life evolving, but I have to admit that each of us in our own way have fallen head over heels in love with this little girl. 

Even my wife, who has struggled with a fear of dogs all her life, is not immune to the wonder and joy that Cocoa has brought into our world.

And we already can’t remember what life was like without her.

I’ve been reflecting on her the last few days, and I’ve realized that our desire to have a dog, and the way we have become so smitten so quickly, is proof that we were really looking for another way to experience love in our lives. It was like we had so much love in our hearts that we needed another person to shower with love, and she has certainly given us that opportunity.

Love is the strangest thing – the more you give, the greater you receive.

And somewhere inside of me, the little boy who I remember being when we got our first dog has awoken. I find myself leaving just that little bit later to work, so that I can spend as much time with Cocoa as I can, and rushing home in the same manner. 

I am spending less time in my office at home, and more time being a chew toy. While it can be a little painful at times, I am loving every minute with our crazy little girl. 

I think she is good for my soul.

And I can’t wait for her to get bigger, so she can experience more of the world. How will she handle her first view of the ocean; what will she think when we take her into the mountains? What will it be like to have a driving buddy who has her nose out of the window, chasing smells and dreams? 

It feels like a new life has been entrusted to us, and I just want her to experience as much of the world as she can.

But wherever she goes, there’s one thing I think I can say with a deep certainty. She will have our hearts with her, because she has well and truly stolen them away.

And knowing her, there’ll also be a shoe, a towel or a glove along for the ride. She’s good at stealing them too :)

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Becoming Who I Already Am

Becoming who I already am.

Life is, without a doubt, a journey. A process of changing, growing, learning and ultimately becoming more than we were before. And yet recently I have been realizing, and reflecting, that everything that I am trying to become right now, is in some aspect someone who I already am.

If that sounds confusing, I understand, believe me. It makes little sense to me either.

But as I try to push myself out of my comfort zone and into the next evolution of my personality and possibilities, I am curiously aware that all I am doing is really adding skills and a sense of authenticity to the core facets of who I already am. 

In some ways, it’s like I’m trying to qualify myself in my head for something that I can already do, but am reluctant to do, because I feel I have not yet reached some level of achievement that gives me the ‘right’ to do or be whoever it is that I want to be.

And I think we all suffer from that sometimes.

I think that many of us search for those skills, or that ‘validation’ as a way to avoid what we feel could be “pushback” from both those who are around us, and those with whom we would interact in the role we are choosing. 

Yes, sometimes there are things that we need to ‘learn’ in order to qualify us to fulfill a certain role, but more often than not, we just need to see ourselves as who we truly are in order to realize who we really are.

Like I said, confusing. Allow me to share an example.

I have been writing this work now for almost a year. On December 11, 2018, I will have officially reached the one year mark. On that day, I will have written over 250 pieces of work, some of which seem to have helped people. 

Many wonderful people have left kind words of appreciation, and some have reached out further to let me know how this work has helped them in their struggles against depression, fear, anxiety and the cruel treatment they have received at the hands of others.

Yet, I struggle to see myself as a writer, and to see that this work has any real value.

And this is not the only area of my life in which I struggle. Just over a week ago, our family received news of a most distressing nature, which threatens to considerably change our lives in a way that we did not anticipate. 

In response to this, I find myself having to move out of my emotional comfort zone, and into a space that realistically I have been occupying for at least 2 years now. Yet the jump terrifies me, as my ‘emotional identity’ has not yet advanced to necessarily match my ‘actual identity’, and this next jump is, for me, more terrifying and concerning than any jump I have made before.

Because I don’t feel I am ready, but I no longer have the option to wait. I have to jump, now.

My hope, my foundation for believing that I have something to offer the world, is about to be tested in a way that it never has before. In making this move, I am going to be confronting demons that I have carried inside of me for over 30 years, demons that question my confidence, my competence, my sense of value and my sense of having a place in the world. 

For if I fail in this jump, I don't know what the landing will do to me. 

Yet I am mindful that this jump has always been waiting for me, and I have always had the option to take it. In some ways, this jump is the only way I will find a greater sense of peace, because if I make the jump in the way that I need to, it will open to me a world that I have hitherto been unable to walk in.

So this is me, trying to become the me who I hope I already am. I would appreciate any thoughts and prayers you can offer. I need them.

Thank you for being a part of this work, and my life. I truly appreciate you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Law of Equal Inequalities

The law of equal inequalities.

I know that sounds like an oxymoron. It probably is. But it’s also a law that I have to explain to people time and time again in my work as a coach, because we as a species are incredibly good at dismissing our own trauma out of some desperate need to avoid feeling like we are favoring ourselves. 

Instead of accepting our own pain, and processing it, we look around for somebody who has a more difficult situation and we utter those fateful words.

“I can’t complain”.

And we do ourselves a disservice, minimizing the trauma that we feel and ignoring all those emotions that we deem as unnecessary, or unworthy. 

Instead of experiencing them, and learning from them, we thrust them down into that place in our soul wherein lies all of the unmet dreams and unrequited feelings, and we pray that they will “stay in their place”. We ignore them, we suppress them and in return we fall victim to them.

Because we minimized ourselves and accepted both our suffering and our supposedly pious response as “righteous”.

Feelings don’t stay where we stuff them. Sure, we can try to push them down with platitudes and restrain them with ritual, but eventually in some way, in some place, those feelings will have their day. 

Usually at the most inopportune moment, and expressed in a way that elevates no one, the pain of the trauma that you tried to ignore will come back and it will bite you again and again.

Because that’s what it is, trauma. Just because somebody had it worse doesn’t mean you didn’t get hit, weren’t wounded and don’t need to heal.

It just means that you are trying to avoid feeling that pain so you find a way to minimize it in the hopes that you can lie yourself out of those feelings. Here’s a newsflash, that never works. 

The only way that I know to truly heal from trauma is to clean out the wound, and then try to provide the necessary love and care to ourselves as we slowly suture our hearts and minds back together.

But it will never happen until you have the courage to accept that what happened to you was traumatic, and show yourself enough love and compassion to allow yourself to space to feel.

I’m not saying it’s easy, because it certainly isn’t. In my own life and in the lives of people I’ve helped, I have seen the absolutely heart-wrenching outcomes of trying to suppress emotions that needed to come to the surface, and it’s never pretty. Sometimes it can take years or decades to finally reach a point where that pain is fully experienced, tears are shed and a heart finally begins to mend.

And in the meantime, years or decades of joy and peace are lost.

Today, I invite you to accept the reality of things that have been done to you, and stop minimizing your trauma by comparing it with that of somebody else. If you had been stabbed, and somebody else had been shot, you would still need to be treated and healed in order to continue living. 

Emotionally it’s the same, it’s just often a slower, more painful and much longer process.

But if you don’t start now, it will haunt you for the rest of forever.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Beyond

Beyond

We live in such delusion. Every day. We stand in the presence of miracles, of the infinite complexity of life, of the insane probabilities of anything even existing. While we fill our heads with knowledge that we claim to understand, we blind our mind’s eye to a much greater reality than we are prepared to accept. 

That there is so much more that we don’t know, that we can’t see, and that we can’t experience with our basic five senses.

And we run from the truth; that ‘out there’ is so much greater than what we have ‘in here’.

Why do we struggle sometimes to feel the waves of possibility stream through us? For all that has happened to me, both good and bad, I fight daily to see the potential that is before me, and within me, rather than accept the lies that my fears display across my soul. Yet sometimes it is so very hard to believe in what could be when we are surrounded by what currently is.

So we have to change our manner of seeing; moving away from our eyes, and into our souls.

And using our soul vision, we can see past all the weaknesses and wounds that hold us back, subtly whispering lies of destruction in our darkest hours. When we perceive with our spiritual gifts, we can begin to comprehend the majesty that is the human spirit, the awesome truth of our intelligence and the singular yet completely connected entity that is both us and everything.

If we truly see beyond our eyes, we will cast off this darkness and find the light that was always present, merely hidden from view because we looked rather than saw, perceived rather than experienced.

In our darkest hours, when the light seems to have failed us, it’s easy to become discouraged and see a future that only contains pain, suffering, darkness and sadness. It can take incredible amounts of courage to face all that the world has to throw at us, and still believe in the goodness, the potential, the possibility, the power and the majesty that life can bring. 

Sometimes it requires you to believe in yourself, when that’s the last thing that you want to do.

Often, the one who obstructs the light is the very one trying to see.

Today, I ask you to focus with me on the things that could be, the possibilities available in the universe, and the infinite potential that belongs to each of us through the gift of awareness. I invite you to close your eyes that you might see in vision rather than in light, and stretch your awareness out into the universe so that you might create something from nothing, and bring into existence that which began only in your soul.

For truly this world, this realm, this universe, is responsive to your soul, your energy and your vibration. When you can go beyond now, into the ‘now that is next’, you can influence the future, and possibly even the past, in ways that you cannot comprehend, but can only experience.

You just have to be willing to move beyond the lies of your fears, and into the possibilities of your potential.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Chaos Drop

The Chaos Drop.

I’ve always been fascinated and terrified by how fast life can change. A simple phone call can bring news that forever changes your future, either good or bad. Yet in my experience, I have come to believe that things fall apart far faster than they ‘fall together’. It’s kind of like that monologue by Sylvester Stallone in Rocky Balboa…

“But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forwards, how much you can take, and keep moving forwards”.

But sometimes, that shot comes out of nowhere, like a sucker punch in a dark alley, and it seems like it’s perfectly timed to hit you right where you never thought you’d be hit. 

As you desperately try to get your mind around it, you stumble to your feet, bleeding, scared and confused, and you realize that it’s a different world than the one you knew 5 minutes ago, and that nothing will ever be the same again.

And that you have a choice.

Because it’s so easy to let that fear get the better of you. So easy to let the tears flow, and just stop thinking for a while and try to breathe without being aware of anything other than the movement of air, and the passage of time without worry, anxiety or pressure. 

Sometimes, after taking a hit like this, you just want to let the world move on by, and quietly try to survive away from everybody and everything.

If you’ve ever been there, you know what I mean. It’s so tempting, so inviting.

And in reality, it’s ok to stay in that place for a little while if you can. As a people, we tend to dismiss the grieving process that’s necessary when reality changes out from underneath you. 

We expect people to just move on, when Chaos has dropped on them from a terrible height, spreading its poison of doubt and despair, when really all they need is to take a little time to cry for that which they have lost, even if it’s just the certainty that things will be ok.

Because eventually, we have to move on with our lives, and try to face a new and uncertain future.

And that’s where courage and belief come in. 

I am constantly in awe at the courage of people in my life who have taken tremendous hits from an uncaring universe, and who have risen to their feet time and time again. I marvel at the belief of others that things will work out, and that they themselves will be ok, even if things aren’t. 

And they keep moving forwards.

If you find yourself in that place, where reason has fled, and where chaos drops from every cloud, I offer you my shoulder to cry on, my ear to listen and my heart to flood with compassion for you. While I may not be able to help, in my darkest times it has helped to know that someone has cared for me, and been there for me.

May we always have the strength to keep moving forward, together.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Gratitude Jump

The Gratitude Jump
(#10 of 10, for now anyway)

What are you grateful for? There are so many things in your life that you could be grateful for, if you decided to be. Sometimes it might be hard to see in the moment, because we get so caught up in the milieu of life that we lose perspective on all the things that we have, and instead we focus on all that we want, but don’t yet have.

And then we lose our happiness.

Because gratitude is a central component of happiness, one so deeply intertwined within that emotion that if you took gratitude out of happiness, all you would be left with would be momentary pleasure to brighten your days, and you would be at the mercy of your surroundings and environment every moment of your life.

And your days would be hollow, and eventually become bitter.

The beauty and power of gratitude is that if you can feel gratitude, it changes your entire perception of the world. Try being grateful and angry at the same time – it’s not possible if you are truly feeling grateful. The same goes for fear. 

True gratitude will change how you feel, and allow you to control your emotional state just when you need to.

And it all starts with a choice.

The fact that Gratitude is a choice was a hard lesson for me to learn, partially because being grateful for something required me to power down my own pity party, and instead shift my focus to something other than my own needs and wants. 

Gratitude is a giving emotion, encouraging me to focus on what I do have, and to find peace within that focus.

And what we focus on is always a choice.

For some people, shifting to a gratitude focus is very hard, but these are the very people who need it the most. I have a very good friend who managed to change her whole perspective of life based on what she could be grateful for. 

After going through a difficult divorce and a terrible legal battle, she was incredibly angry and was losing her sense of self and her place in the universe. It was a difficult process to see.

Yet she found her way back to herself through an exercise in gratitude. Each day she would find things to be grateful for, and she would write them in a journal. Over a relatively short period of time, she began to change her focus, seeing all that she had in her life, and how rich and vibrant her life could be. 

As she changed her focus to an attitude of gratitude, everything around her changed for the better.

Not that the world changed, you understand, but how she saw it changed, and that made all the difference.

So today, at the end of these two weeks of ‘jumps’, I invite you to spend some time thinking of all the things you have to be grateful for. 

As you grow in your ability to see the world in a way that makes you happy, you will discover that you can lift yourself higher than you ever thought possible.

And you can carry others with you on your journey.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Self Compassion Jump

The Self Compassion Jump (#9 in a series of 10)

This is one that gets a lot of pushback. I know why, but after so long I still find myself being somewhat in awe of how far some people will go in their efforts to condemn themselves in judgment without a single ounce of compassion. 

Faced with situations that would move them with deep compassion if it were applied to someone else, they still remain steadfast in their desire to judge themselves harshly.

Because they feel like they deserve it.

This usually starts deep in childhood. Maybe a parent accused them constantly, destroying their self image and leaving behind a child who is scarred on the inside, and crying on the outside. 

Or maybe it was just a parent who for some reason was unable to have an emotional connection with their child, leaving the child to wonder at an absence they could feel, but not understand.

And when a child can’t understand, they make up stories.

Then we let those stories define us as adults. In my case, my father was struggling with his own demons from a childhood fraught with scorn and derision from his father. I didn’t know that. All I saw was a father who wasn’t there for me emotionally, and didn’t seem to want to be. In order to make sense of that, I adopted the belief that there had to be something wrong with me, for my father not to love me.

As of this time, we haven’t spoken in at least 10 years, probably more like 15. I struggle with the story to explain that.

But as we age, hopefully we begin to learn some compassion for ourselves. It’s hard at times, because for those of us who have been programmed with a deep loathing for the person we see in the mirror, it makes perfect sense to treat ourselves without kindness. 

At some level, we fear that kindness will turn into acceptance of our flaws and weaknesses, and we will fail to reach the ‘perfection of achievement’ that will make us worthy of the love that we feel we missed.

And that’s where the lie really takes hold, because that is EXACTLY the point of kindness.

You don’t need to extend kindness to those who are perfect, only those who are not. Kindness is there to make up the difference when we are less than perfect, as all of us are. 

But for those who struggle to apply self compassion, kindness to ourselves is viewed as the first step on a slippery slope that leads to us becoming the terrible person we believe ourselves to be.

So we withhold from ourselves compassion, and replace it with condemnation.

If, like me, you struggle to find compassion for yourself, I would suggest that the first step is to practice aggressive compassion for others. When you feel the desire to condemn someone, instead ask yourself if you can see any reason why you can substitute compassion instead. 

Don’t stop until you have exhausted every possibility. I truly believe they are many more broken people than evil people on this good earth, and they are worthy of our compassion and understanding.

Eventually, as you aggressively apply compassion to others, you will begin to see your story in their story, your life in their life, your wounds in their wounds, and your peace in their peace.

Once you make the jump to show yourself compassion, you will find a greater emotional energy to serve others and grow.

And you may find peace.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The ‘So-What’ Jump

The ‘So-What’ Jump
(#8 in a series of 10)

Two words, one sentence, endless possibilities, incredible power. I’ve used this on myself more than on anyone else, because it forces me to really dig deeper and understand my motivations in so many circumstances. 

You have to be careful though, because it can seem like you are being cruel and heartless, when you are actually helping someone make an amazing change. It’s simple to use, but amazingly effective.

If you have the courage to truly understand it.

I use this when someone is locked in an emotional cycle. Maybe it’s being annoyed over the way they were treated, or at the loss of an opportunity, or even when they are trapped in a fear loop, building back upon itself until they are paralyzed with anxiety, not seeing the way out before them. 

After they have finished their emotional rant, I wait for a moment, and then quietly, simply and kindly ask “so what”. What follows is usually a reiteration of their statement, so I challenge them again. 

This is when I usually get a confused look and a different statement, telling me the same thing, but with a greater emphasis. So I ask again “so what”? By this time, they’re either confused or defensive, often both.

Then they start to see what I’m doing , and they’ don’t like it.

Because unless there is some physical injury to be dealt with, many of us spend so much of our time and emotional energy being focused on the ‘injuries’ to our emotions that we waste our chance to change. 

Instead, we drink deeply from a chalice of complaining, believing that somehow we can force the universe into compliance if we just say enough things that highlight our pain.

Yet that ‘pain’ often comes down to something attacking one of our 6 human needs. Maybe we feel like we haven’t been given respect, which attacks our significance, or maybe we feel threatened because something could cause us pain in the future, thereby threatening our certainty.

These two are the most prevalent, and the most pernicious. And usually completely unnecessary.

Until I started using this jump on myself, I was caught in an endless, multi-year cycle of complaining about how badly I had been treated by a few select people. The complaining got me precisely nowhere, and I squandered years when I could have been progressing and developing into someone happier.

Once I applied “so-what”, I came to understand that their treatment of me was not holding me back, my own fears were. The realization that the only thing holding me back was myself was painful, yet even that pain was a threat to my sense of self significance.

And so what.

If you want to make this jump, I invite you to begin assessing all of your complaints and concerns with a simple ‘so what’, and see where it takes you.

Getting out of your own head, and getting into your power is the greatest jump, because it unleashes all of your energy, all of your power, all of your love and all of your passion.

Because once you filter things through the lens of ‘so what’, you’ll never see the same way again.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Apology Jump

The Apology Jump
(#7 in a series of probably 10 pieces)

Most of these jumps are hard, but this one is the most irritating. Ever since I was a young child I have hated admitting that I was wrong. It probably took until I was 13-15 years old before I learned to acknowledge my mistakes, even though it would take me a long time to do so. There was something about saying sorry that was so hard.

Unfortunately, it’s gotten easier because I’ve had so much practice.

To make a mistake is human. Whether it arises from a momentary mistake or a systemic fallibility, all of us do things wrong on a very regular basis. Sometimes it’s something small, and sometimes it’s something unimaginably huge. 

Unfortunately the remedy always starts the same way, with a heartfelt and honest apology. No rationalization, no excuses, no shifting the blame.

A simply truthful “I’m sorry” can start a relationship on the road to healing.

But admitting your mistakes goes further than your relationship with the other person, it actually begins to heal your relationship with yourself. When you fail to apologize to somebody else, you are essentially trading their opinion of you for your opinion of yourself. 

If you are so invested in not admitting your mistake, it means that in some way you are scared of their opinion of you once you admit your guilt.

And rather than risk their bad opinion of you, you live with your own.

Because there’s no feeling worse than knowing that you should apologize, but that you can’t bring yourself to do it. The longer you wait, the worse will feel about yourself. Yes you may be able to suppress it for years, but every time you remember it, it takes just a little more of your soul when you realize that you haven’t done what you should do; what your conscience demands.

Unless you have some significant emotional pathology, your own conscience is the worst thing to have mad at you.

If you struggle with this jump, you are not alone. The inability to apologize has afflicted all of us down through the centuries. It takes a significant degree of enlightenment and soul-searching to reach the point where you can freely admit that you have made a mistake without it being a judgment on yourself. 

And yet making a mistake is the most human thing you can do, because it is an affliction that defines all of us.

And we all need to remember that when someone comes to admit their mistake to us.

If you would make peace with your own conscience, one of the fastest ways is to truly forgive someone who comes to you apologizing for their mistake, and asking for your forgiveness. 

It’s hard, but reaching a point in your life when you are able to freely forgive another human being is to have arrived at the pinnacle of humanity. 

When you can bestow peace on another through forgiveness of their mistakes, in the true honesty of your heart, you will find in you a wellspring of compassion for both of you.

Because forgiveness isn’t about them, it’s really all about you, and you can't begin to forgive yourself until you have apologized when you know you should.

The apology jump is hard, but healing.

— Dr.Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Shadow Jump

The Shadow Jump.
(#6 of 9 or 10, still working on that)

This one’s going to make you uncomfortable. It usually does. If it doesn’t…well, that in itself should make you uncomfortable. 

In this jump you’re going to have to look deep inside you to find those parts of you that you don’t like, the parts that you let no-one see, and do something harder than making peace with them.

You have to integrate them into who you are today.

This is difficult, because integration is not suppression, and it is not denial. Integration involves accepting that the darker impulses of your nature have a function in protecting you, and helping you find your way through a difficult and confusing universe. 

But left unchecked, or as I prefer to call it ‘untrained’, your shadow self will come to the fore of your thoughts in the worst possible ways, or force you to use incredible amounts of emotional energy to suppress and control it.

It’s better if you learn to leverage it.

Trained, practiced and harnessed, your shadow can be a powerful mechanism to create change and prevent pain and frustration, especially when dealing with people who would use you and take advantage of you, and believe me, they are out there.

For example, a person who grew up with a domineering parent will often experience difficulty in expressing their wants and desires as an adult. This can lead to them staying quiet in situations where they should have spoken up. Their shadow, long suppressed, desires to speak out and express their wants. 

Eventually, the suppression breaks and what follows is an outpouring of anger and frustration that feels ugly, sounds worse and actually harms the person, as their desire to communicate their wishes is lost under a flood of anger on their part, and defensiveness on the part of the recipient.

Nobody walks away from that experience happy. 

Imagine if their shadow had been trained and integrated into their everyday life. They would have been able to calmly and kindly express their desires at an appropriate time, manage the conversation in a way that worked for each of them, and hopefully reach a conclusion to the conversation that balanced for both parties.

No anger, no frustration, no jealousy, no suppression. Just the free expression of ideas, and the joy of being heard. 

Yet often people who have suppressed their shadow face fear in integrating it, partly because they have no control over it, and mainly because they have been taught that it is wrong to have desires for themselves. They struggle daily with the unmet needs of their soul, living in the sadness of suppression, when they could be living in the enlightenment of expression.

Today, I offer to you the jump into your own shadow. Integrating that which can help you into that which will guide you will bring about a newness of identity, imagination and illumination.

You will become the you that you were always meant to be.

And you can enjoy peace.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Humility Jump

The Humility Jump
(#5 of either 7 or 9, still working that out)

It’s probably not what you think. It rarely is. Of all the truths that I discuss with people, this is the most misunderstood, most abused and most painful one. Yet once you make this jump, it can change everything. 

It simply comes down to how you understand that one word, and how it frees you from so much self inflicted trauma.

Because humility is not to think less OF yourself, it’s to think less ABOUT yourself.

I know that’s kind of a nuanced concept, so let me try to go deeper on it. I can look at myself and admit that I have some strengths, and some weaknesses. I’m fairly smart, and I have a higher than average emotional intelligence, along with significantly higher than average communication skills. This is not pride if I don’t concern myself with it.

I can also tell you that I am color blind, so I am terrible at doing puzzles. I have much lower than average spatial skills, so I can literally get lost in the mall. I can be selfish, and foolish. I can be incredibly fearful, and struggle to face challenges that you would find easy, although I have skydived and I can speak in public. Yet in these statements I am not being humble, because I am still focusing on myself.

Humility is when I am so focused on you that I don’t bring my needs, wants or self opinion into our interaction. In that state, I can serve you to my highest potential, because the outcome is not about me, it’s focused on your needs and your desires.

This can be one of the hardest practices in coaching, and it’s one that I try to make a part of my work. I’m not saying I’m good at it, just that I’m trying.

If you’ve ever been served like this, you’ll have felt the difference. You may not have been aware of it, but you probably noticed that there was something extraordinary, something that stood out. Something that made you feel special in a way that was unusual and remarkable.

So why is this a jump for you?

I said earlier that humility is often abused, because I have met with so many people who continually put themselves down, and fail to recognize all of their gifts and abilities, out of a subconscious fear that they are not being humble. 

From my view, this holds people back from being who they really are, and from recognizing all that they have to give in this world.

It also keeps people focused on themselves, so they never find the true joy or serving without selfishness, and so they serve less than they would if they were able to serve without respect to themselves.

So the jump is to stop putting yourself down, and at the same time, stop putting yourself first. It’s a difficult balance to master, because it requires us to subdue our ego and yet accept our gifts and capabilities. 

But once you can make this jump, you’ll see a different you showing up to serve others.

And you will be amazing.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Opinion Jump

The Opinion Jump
[#4 in an ongoing series, because who knows how many of these I will write :) ]

When did you surrender your right to own your opinion of yourself? I ask this seriously, because it’s one of the most devastating, destructive and divisive problems I have to deal with when I’m coaching clients, or just helping a friend navigate one of our human problems.

When you give up your right to your own opinion of yourself, you essentially give EVERYONE around you a say in who you are.

And that is the shortest road to madness you can ever take.

I’m not saying that you can’t take the opinions of others into account when you are deciding if you are a good person or not. People who don’t listen to anyone else’s opinions are narcissists, incapable of factoring someone else’s views or humanity above their own. A narcissist is a danger to everyone around them, so I’m not telling you to become one of them.

But I don’t want you to be at the other end of the spectrum either.

Because your self opinion is one of the essential foundations upon which your ability to function in this world is built upon. 

If you have a terrible opinion of yourself, you are then subject to the whims, thoughts and ideas of everyone around you, and you’ll never find peace living that way. Instead you’ll obsess over every decision, question every action, and find yourself in a prison of suffering where you experience pain because of everyone around you.

And you’ll never grow into the person you could become.

Instead you’ll wither and fade, hiding yourself away from everyone and everything that can cause you to feel pain. You’ll become bitter, angry, judgmental and spiteful. You’ll seek to avoid anything that causes you to question your own worth, until you shrink into a prison of your own nightmares, unable to step into who you really are.

It’s a terrible thing to see.

I have a client who has a difficult relationship with a parent because he has not yet learned to own his own self opinion. His parent is a well meaning older man who unfortunately has parented through guilt and focusing on his own emotional needs at the cost of his son’s needs. 

Now my client rarely calls his father, because the slightest disapproval from his father is still so painful to him. His father feels lonely and abandoned by his son, and the son wishes he could have a better relationship with his father, one that was not so painful.

In truth, both of them need to make a jump, but only one of them sees it.

So how do you make this jump? It’s a tough one, but first you have to go through the honesty jump, and the discomfort jump, because this jump requires you to be completely honest with yourself about who you are, and that can be really uncomfortable. 

Once you start getting real with yourself, you can begin to act in ways that support your opinion of you, and lessen the opinion of others.

It’s a hard jump to make, but you’ll never find peace without this leap.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Discomfort Jump

The Discomfort Jump.
(#3 in a series of 5 or 6, I’m still working that out…)

How comfortable are you? Very, a lot, a little, not at all? As someone who craves certainty, I can tell you that I usually interpret discomfort as a sign that I am failing at something. At the logical level I know that’s not true, in fact it’s the opposite of what’s really going on. 

However, at the emotional level, I’ve been conditioned that discomfort means I’m not doing something perfectly, which means I’m failing, and not worthy of being loved. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true for a lot of people.

And it’s holding us back, because your relationship with discomfort will determine your destiny.

When you look back at anything in your life that really took work, were you good at it when you started? I doubt it. Unless you are one of those incredibly gifted people who could just do something difficult immediately, you had to fail many times at something to obtain any level of competency, let alone mastery. 

Imagine if you were aware when you were trying to learn to walk. Would you have given up out of embarrassment?

Yet most of us walk. I think there’s a lesson in that.

Because in my life, there have been times when I have embraced the discomfort of doing something, and it’s turned out amazing. At 10,000 feet, a few minutes before I skydived out of a plane, I can tell you I was very uncomfortable. I was pretty much convinced I had lost my mind, yet that jump stands out as one of the most incredible experiences of my life. 

Because here’s the big secret…discomfort is the doorway to destiny.

As a writer, I can tell you that every time I sit down to write one of these pieces, I am uncomfortable. Only once in the last 11 months of writing these pieces can I say that the words just flowed from my fingers with ease and enjoyment. 

Most of the time I write in a state of frustration and feeling like I am trying to craft concepts from chaos, and find words in the wilderness. I obsess over content, context and syntax. 

It isn’t easy, it isn’t fun, and it certainly isn’t comfortable.

For each of us, there comes a point where we have to accept that we are going to be uncomfortable for a while, and then continue in the pathway we have chosen. This is especially true when it comes to changing ourselves through a determined process of personal improvement. 

Each step out of our comfort zone is by definition uncomfortable, but it can also be terrifying as we make changes to ourselves, our lives and our relationships.
For rarely are the changes that we really need to make easy, otherwise we would have made those changes already.

The hard stuff, the choices and changes that tear at your soul, and leave you concerned, nauseous and terrified are the ones that you probably need to make, but you’ll never do them if you cannot become comfortable with being uncomfortable.

I have faith that you can make these changes, and shine brighter in your true nature and radiance.

I’m here to help in any way that I can.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Self Honesty Jump

The Self Honesty Jump.
(#2 in a series of either 5 or 6, who knows.)

Of all of the jumps I’ve made, or am trying to make, this one is the one that gets me every time. This is the one that forces me to question everything; not just my actions, but my reactions, my thoughts and my secret desires. 

This is the jump that calls me out when I can feel myself violating my standards of truth and honesty. Let me show you what that looks like.

Please forgive this little tour around the inside of my mind, but I hope this will be enlightening.

I grew up in a home where the reward for telling the truth could sometimes be violence. Where the difference of the inflection on a word, or the pause in a sentence could be misinterpreted as talking back, or lying to my father. 

I became adept at reading the micro-expressions of his face, the slur of his words, the emphasis on a single syllable. 

This skill, learned in desperation to avoid another blow, allows me to read other people.

My sweet wife will tell you that being married to me is hard, because I can interpret the slightest hesitation in her voice, the drop on a word, or the choice of a phrase over another. I know when she is frustrated, even if she is trying to hide it. It’s got to be exhausting for her some days.

I know it is for me.

Because that same skill that allows me to read you, also reads me. When I react to something, the part of my brain that questions myself will immediately start to process my reaction, and parse every feeling. Am I feeling threatened, or frustrated, hopeful or deceitful? 

If deceitful, why? Do I feel threatened, or is this another case of my experiences as a child casting a dark shadow over my adult life.

That happens a lot.

So the self honesty jump forces me to find the truth behind my actions, and my motivations. That sounds easy—until you try it. 

Then you’ll find that so many of your unconscious motivations are driven by thoughts and feelings that you are barely aware of; things that you have never questioned until the moment when you realize that they might not be serving you in the way that you anticipated. 

Then you have to dig deeper to understand where it all comes from.

Why do you dislike that person? What made you emotionally overreact to that statement? Why did you shade the truth when explaining yourself? A thousand questions lead to a thousand more, until you being to uncover the truth within your soul. 

That can be a difficult revelation, forcing you to change and act in a way that you know is right, even when you so desperately want to act another way.

It’s tough, living this way. Making the honest, honorable choice. Self deceit is so much easier in the short term.

But making the jump to self honesty will always pay off in the long game.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: A Sequence of Jumps

A Sequence of Jumps.

(This week I’m going to be writing a series about the jumps we all need to make to find peace in our lives. I hope this will be of help to you.)

The Responsibility Jump.

Who are you responsible to? It’s a tough question, because there are so many possible answers. Maybe it’s your higher power, or the universe as an entity, or your spouse, your children, the world, or only the people you want to be responsible for. 

Sometimes it’s a blend of these and many others, and sometimes it’s just one of them. But to my mind, there is one responsibility that overshadows all the rest.

You are responsible primarily to yourself. 

So many people misunderstand this concept, and some who do understand it cower from it, because it contains the hardest burdens to bear. 

Being responsible to and for yourself means that you accept the need to bring your conduct into alignment with the highest truths and ideals that you hold. That also includes how you treat yourself, as well as others.

It means that you have to do what is right for you, even when you want to take solace in what feels good to you, and those can often be very different from each other. 

Doing what is right for you often gets confused with selfishness, and so people shy away from it out of fear of feeling like they are too focused on themselves, or because it means that the feelings of someone else will be ‘hurt’. 

Instead you would rather accept a wound you inflict upon yourself unnecessarily than wound another who had no right to expect something of you. I see this time after time.

Good people who fail in their duty to care for themselves, and put their own needs first out of a fear that they will be judged by another. 

In case that’s you, let me lay out for you what I see as your responsibility to yourself, so that you might think about this more deeply.

You are responsible to yourself for your beliefs, and to make sure that they are yours by thought, by discussion and by a deep, abiding deliberation in your soul, and not the dogma of others, or a belief that you have adopted to placate or avoid the disappointment of another.

You are responsible to yourself for your actions; by learning to understand your deepest motivations, and ensuring that they come from a place of truth, not fettered and directed by petty jealousies or feelings of inadequacy.

You are responsible to yourself for your health, not your appearance. If you wish to have peace, you must do what you can to rid yourself of pain, so that your mind may be clear and able to resonate with truth. This is hard. 

You are responsible for your thoughts; to make sure that you allow no weeds to grow in the gardens of your soul. Monitoring your own thoughts is hard, because it often means that you need to sacrifice a personal want for a truth you know to be right. Make that sacrifice as often as you can, and you will grow in respect for yourself.

Finally, you are responsible to yourself for your desires, for these will control your destiny if you let them. Trying to understand why you truly desire a thing will lead you further down the path of wisdom than you ever felt possible, but it will also bring you peace and joy.

May you make the jump of responsibility, and find yourself anew.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The secret truth of parenting

The secret truth of parenting.

I don’t think it’s possible to be a perfect parent. At least, I’ve never seen it. All of us have some kind of emotional hang-ups as a result of our upbringing. 

Maybe it’s from parents who didn’t care, and left you to your own mind at a young age, with the predictable mishaps, or it’s a parent who rigidly controlled your life, so that you reach middle age and realize that you have lived someone else’s version of you.

We all have our trauma, and we all have to work through it.
I worked recently with a wonderful client, who struggles with self identity after growing up in a home where her obedience was mandatory. 

Although her parents were good people doing what they thought was right, my client was left with deep feelings of inferiority and a nagging fear of making decisions, afraid that she would be ‘wrong’. This has plagued her for a long time, and has significantly limited her life.

And she was seeking a way to break free of the chains of her conditioning.

As we talked, she was able to move into a greater awareness of how her thoughts and emotions were based in fear, and a desire to avoid conflict. Little by little we worked on a strategy that will help her move beyond her current mind-set, and into a new paradigm that will allow her the freedom to live as she wants, and yes, make mistakes.

She is going to parent herself.

I know that sounds crazy, but we have started her on a process of changing the voices inside of her head from those she learned growing up, into those that she uses on her own child. 

Blessed with an adorable young daughter, my friend (client always sounds so formal) has been parenting very differently to the way that she was parented. And now, she gets to take all the love, understanding and acceptance and share it with a whole new person.

Herself.

Anytime she recognizes herself falling back onto her conditioned emotional reflexes, she is instead going to imagine that she was talking to her daughter, and see how she would encourage and empower her daughter through that situation. 

While it feels awkward at first, over time my friend will find a new balance in her soul, as loving kindness filters through the pressures and restrictions that she feels now.

It’s going to be fun to watch her grow.

And the best part of the equation is the one that she never expected. As she is able to ascend herself beyond where she is currently at, she will find some of her struggles and challenges with her parents will melt away, allowing her to feel closer to them, and accept them in her life without so many difficult emotions standing in her way. 

And lest you think you are immune, let me share this with you. I can already see 3 ways that I have given my kids emotional hang-ups, and I can assure you they were not intentional. 

The truth of parenting is that you ARE going to make mistakes, but you hope that your children are resilient enough to be able to bounce back. If you have given them resilience, you will have given them the gift that keep giving forever.

So go hug your children, and love them as hard as you can. That will get them through.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Divine Storm

The Divine Storm.

If you’ve ever been through one, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s when the entire world seems to hate you, and everything goes wrong. 

Maybe you lose a partner, or your life insurance at the same time that both of your cars are broken, or a million other impossible moments where everything that can go wrong will, and nothing you do seems to make it better. 

You get to the point that every move seems to create more chaos, and you wonder how the world will ever be right again.

And the fear grips your very heart.

Stumbling, almost blind to everything but your fears, you desperately try to make sense of what seems insensible. When the very universe seems determined to bring you down, and you are afraid to make a move for fear of what greater darkness will find you. 

Alone, lost, adrift and abandoned, you encounter the moment of the question that can change everything.

Is it falling together, or falling apart?

I went through a divine storm 2 years ago. I can’t tell you all the details of how things fell down, because it sounds insane when I write it out. So many things went wrong, that I remember at one point sitting quietly in the corner of my office at home, and weeping. 

I couldn’t understand how so much could happen to one person. 

I realize now that it could have been a lot worse, but when you haven’t slept properly for weeks, and have reached your point of exhaustion, things have a way of weighing you down. One of the truths that I live by is that anyone can be broken, and I felt very broken in the midst of my storm.

Yet from amidst the terrible circumstances of my storm, things somehow got better. The denial of life insurance, and the terrible feelings of failing my family translated into the weight loss that changed my world. 

The eventual removal of myself from a toxic work environment has translated into an emotional freedom that has allowed me to serve others in ways that I never could have before. This work is a part of that change.

But most of all, the greatest change to come from the storm occurred in my soul. Forced to confront the truths that I had for so long denied, I began a very painful, yet ultimately worthwhile process of change. 

The awareness that I had for so long avoided became the only pathway out of the storm, and so I walked, and still walk, that pathway.

And it’s still not easy, but it is the right path.

If you find yourself in the middle of a storm right now, I beg you to keep going. I know how lost you can feel, how truly alone, scared you can find yourself, but if you keep going, you will find answers, and direction, and the strength to take one more step, again and again.

The storm can serve you, if you are willing to confront the truths of yourself and allow it to forge a new you, on an anvil that will forever change your soul.

Keep going my friend. You can do this.

I am here to help.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings