Morning Reflection: It Depends Where You Stand

It Depends Where You Stand.

Several years ago, I was going through a very tough time in the office I worked in. While I tried to hide it, patients could see that I was struggling and they would ask “Are you doing ok?”. 

I would hesitate when answering, because the truth was that life seemed to be falling apart, and at the same time coming together. I eventually settled on an answer that I felt was honest.

“Ask me in a year, maybe I’ll know”.

Because at the time, I couldn’t see if I was making the wrong choices, or the right ones. My perspective was amiss, because I was standing in the middle of the storm, where I could see neither the ending nor the beginning. 

When that happens, it’s very easy to lose your bearings and see everything in a way that doesn’t reflect the truth. I was lost in a reality that was confusing, painful and completely out of focus.

And in some ways, I still don’t know the answer.

Now and then we are called upon to make choices that have such a long-term effect on our lives that we’ll never truly know if we made the right choice, or the wrong one. 

Decisions where the outcome is never a solid black or white, but a gray that defies definition down through the years. Instead of a clear understanding of what we should have done, we are left trying to manage the outcome of what may have been a mistake or a blessing in disguise.

So we are left to wonder, and try to figure it out for ourselves.

I think it’s made harder when the outcome isn’t the easiest to define either. A great outcome can make your decision seem like the right one, and a terrible outcome can make it seem like the worst choice you ever made, but at least you know. When the outcome is a mixed bag, it’s so easy to second guess yourself and imagine how a different choice could have resulted in an amazing ending.

But even that is just your imagination, there’s no way to know for sure.

Sometimes, all you can do is acknowledge that you made the decision, learn from it what you can, and move on. That can be really tough, because it requires us to give up our desire for certainty, and accept the messy, crazy, unimaginable and often frustrating nature of the reality in which we reside. I find that the more I can let go of the need to know everything, the easier it is to make choices going forwards.

But easier doesn’t necessarily mean easy, just less hard.

And in the end, that’s just how life works out. There are decisions that are easy, there are decisions that are less than hard, and then there are the ones that tear at your soul, wringing out your heart as you struggle to understand how to move forward in a storm that engulfs you. 

Sometimes all we have are bad choices, but we still have to choose, trying to find the lesser of all evils in the maelstrom of possibility before us.

If you are struggling with a choice today, you have my sympathy. Just know that all you can do is your best, with what you know right now. 

Make the choice that brings you the most peace, and rest in the knowledge of your truth.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Compassion Conundrum

The Compassion Conundrum.

Who do you have compassion for? It’s easy to have compassion for the people you care about. That flows gently and easily from the wellspring of your emotions, wrapping them in a cocoon of caring and kindness. 

You can even have compassion for someone you don’t know, who has fallen upon the hard times of life that threaten to engulf each of us at some time during our journey on this earth.

But what about compassion for someone who has wronged you?

I spent some time today talking to a friend about a situation they are involved in, where someone who they have come to actively dislike is causing them a great deal of stress and pain. In my desire to heal my friend’s suffering, I asked a few questions about the individual who was creating the problem. 

After a few short answers, and extrapolating the information I had received, I presented to my friend a challenge that was very difficult for them.

I asked them to try and find compassion for the person who was hurting them.

At first, my overtures were not well received, and I wasn’t surprised. It’s very hard to have compassion for someone who causes us pain on an ongoing basis, especially when it’s much easier to see that individual as a simple one-dimensional person of hate. 

But slowly over time, my friend’s eyes began to open as I explained the potential motivations behind the actions of the person who was causing the problems.

And how their own extreme pain and sadness was driving them to hurt others, as they desperately tried to meet their own dysfunctional needs born out of painful emotional trauma.

As we talked further, I began to see my friend’s tacit acceptance of what I was saying. I’m not saying it was easy; it certainly wasn’t and my friend didn’t walk away with a sincere desire to reach out and try to help the person who had wronged them. 

But I did see the beginnings of a change of heart, moving away from implacable hatred and resentment to at least a begrudging acknowledgement that maybe the person at fault had their own pain and problems. 

And in that moment I saw a hope that maybe, one day, this problem may find a solution of peace, rather than of judgment.

Because compassion forces us not just to feel for those for whom we care, or don’t know, but also for those who have wronged us in some way. Compassion for our ‘enemies’ is the first step on the pathway that ends in a place called forgiveness, where we give up our needs and our fears in a way that edifies us as a human being, and bestows upon us a blessing of peace and edification.

Because the wages of forgiveness are peace, calmness, benevolence and serenity that stays with us long after the offences are forgotten. 

The pathway to peace is a difficult one, but it begins when we can see a touch of our shared humanity in the eyes of those whom we struggle to love. 

Today, I invite you to choose peace in your heart, though compassion and forgiveness.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Journey Begins

The Journey Begins

It starts when you finally make the decision. There are a million different things that get you there, to that point of change, but for most of us it’s a combination of desperation and hope. 

Maybe you’re trying to break through the traumas that hold you back, or maybe you’re trying to find yourself in the midst of so many messages burned into your soul by well meaning but poorly informed people.

It really doesn’t matter how you got there, it just matters that you made the decision.

And you know this journey will change you, as it will hurt you. Growth is like that. Nothing worthwhile comes easy, but some things cost a lot more than the others. But you’ve accepted that. 

You’ve reached that point where you can no longer live where you are, even though you have only the faintest idea of where you want to end up. So you strengthen your soul for the onslaught you anticipate.

And you turn your mind inwards.

In doing so, the outside world becomes less important, less impactful, less relevant. In this travail through the wilderness of your soul, you understand that in search of your authenticity there are sacrifices that will be called forth out of you, some of which will burn your very heart. 

But you know that there is nothing you can do but focus inwards, and journey onwards.

Because at some point, you have to become so concerned about what you ‘could do’, that you give up your interest in what they ‘should do’.

And when they begin to lose their relevance, their control, their place of power in the psyche of your soul, they will not take it lightly or easily. But that’s ok. That’s one of the sacrifices that you’re prepared for; the sacrifice of those who do not accept your independence as a human being, as a consciousness of choice in a universe of change and chance. Those who are threatened by your identity are those who never made room enough for it. Bless them, and let them be.

For yours is a different destination.

Moving beyond your now, you find that a radical self honesty is required to achieve an incredible self awareness. As you push though the stories and sophistries of your self protection, you gain greater insights into the wounds that were never healed, and that created patterns of behavior that still distort your destiny to this day. 

Untreated and unhealed, your pain prevents progression. Yet undaunted, you examine each belief and behavior, accepting the truths and discarding the falsehoods.

Bringing you another step closer to the authenticity of your identity.

As you move closer to a state of self possession of your soul, you find yourself strangely less affected by the thoughts and feelings of others, and discover within yourself a wellspring of kindness and compassion, both for them, and for yourself.

For the soul that is at peace with itself, will find itself at peace with the world.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Being Grateful Before The Lesson Is Over

Being Grateful Before The Lesson Is Over.

Life is a school, but not like any other. It’s often said that in school you learn the material and then are tested, but in life you are tested and then learn the material. And while I agree with that, I think there is also a lesson to be learned ‘in’ the testing, if we are patient, and willing to let go of our ego. 

It’s not easy, and it’s certainly not something I’m even proficient at, but I can say that I am trying to be better at it.

And it’s being grateful for the test, during the test.

Because let’s face it, we’ve all gone through hard times in our lives only to recognize later that the growth and changes we experienced during that trial helped to make us a better person. 

Sometimes we even learned a new skill, or took ourselves to a level of ability that far surpassed anything we were capable of before. But usually the only way to reach those new heights is to endure the pain and agony of the hard times. 

And hard times are not easy.

I can look back at some of the tough times in my life and honestly say that I am grateful for the trial that I endured, but I certainly wasn’t grateful at the time. Compared to some my life has been difficult, compared to many it has been very blessed. 

I try not to compare or judge my life against anyone else’s, because that judgment serves no good for any of us. I think in that way I have progressed, and yet in others, I am still painfully lacking.

Because I struggle to be grateful when I realize that the hard time is a time of growth.

And I realize that I’m still trying to reach that level of spiritual growth, and there are days when it seems I am further away than ever. I get that it’s my ego that’s in play, bemoaning my hardship and feeling that in some way I am being mistreated or denied. 

My only saving grace is that I can honestly say that my times of complaining are less, and while I’m not necessarily at a state of gratitude during the trial, I am able to work through the difficulties with a sense of acceptance.

And right now, I think I will have to be happy with that.

But I look forward to the day, hopefully, when I will have matured enough in my soul that I will be grateful for the test even though I have not yet reaped the benefit of the lesson. I think that requires more faith that I am capable of right now, or maybe it’s just that I haven’t learned to let go of enough things yet. 

I guess I need more lessons, unfortunately.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Schedule Your Intention

Schedule Your Intention

What is your intention for today? Not your goals, because those can be kind of random, and not your to do list, because that is driven not necessarily by what you want to do, but by what you have to do. 

I mean when you wake in the morning, what do you intend to feel and think for each section of the day? If you’ve read my work, I hope by now you know that I believe in the power of intention.

In fact I am so sure that the power of intention works, that I am starting to schedule my intention each day.

I have a dear friend who awakens each morning with the intention to love everyone she meets that day. As she goes throughout her life, she greets everyone she meets, is always ready with a hug or a kind word, and strives to make everybody feel loved and appreciated. 

Guess what happens?

It works. Sure, sometimes people are taken aback by the pure love and joy that she radiates, but I honestly believe that that’s their issue, not hers. Most people respond with surprise, and then reciprocate. 

Her intention is infectious, and I’ve seen it turn people’s days around as they experience the force of her kindness and warmth. At times, it seems as though the Universe is presenting her with opportunities to love and serve others…

Because that is what she intends to do.

So I’ve started scheduling myself times where my intention is to be more patient. I also scheduled times where my intention is to just accept and serve whoever comes across my path. 

Sometimes, on a particularly challenging day, I will try to schedule myself some time where I avoid any sense of complaining, either in my language or my thoughts. 

I won’t lie and say that that’s easy, because it’s surely not, but as I focus my intention, I find that not only I can make changes to who I am, but the world seems to provide more opportunities for me to practice what my intention is focused on.

Because the universe truly does respond to our intention.

There something powerful about it. It’s more than just a desire, it’s a contract with yourself and your reality that begins with desire, and contains a promise to act and react in a particular way. 

Sometimes our intention focuses on our needs and wants, and sometimes it’s for the service and happiness of others. The more your actions and intentions are in alignment, the greater your ability to manifest what you desire in the world.

Today, I invite you to schedule a time to unleash your intention into the universe. 

Start small, have fun with it, and see how much the world will change around you. :)

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: What Were You Born To Do?

What Were You Born To Do?

We all like to think that we have a purpose in life. While we struggle to find a meaning for our existence here on this earth, it’s comforting to have a belief that we are here for a reason, that we’re not just taking up space. 

If we are lucky, through different experiences over time, we arrive at a moment where all of our gifts and history come together in a deep, penetrating sense of purpose that brings not only joy, but a profound sense of alignment in the universe.

And when you find that purpose, you want to follow it wherever it takes you.

Over the last two and a half years, I’ve been trying to find that purpose. In my studying, writing, serving and communicating, I’ve been following not only a sense of why I am here, but a passionately held desire to really make a difference, at a deep and meaningful level. And while I have a good idea of what that looks like, I have to be honest and tell you that it scares me to death as well.

Because it involves facing my greatest fear.

And I guess that makes sense. Our purpose shouldn’t come easy. Something as momentous as the reason for your presence here and now shouldn’t be something so mundane, so simple, so straightforward. 

It should push you to grow, and become not only the best version of yourself, but also the most giving and the most caring. It should also require incredible levels of courage, commitment and clarity.

If you are going to shake the universe to its core, you should probably have your own core shaken.

And that fear often causes us to stay right where we are, frozen in a paralysis of our own thoughts and feelings. Staying still means staying safe, out of harm’s way, avoiding the light and hiding in the shadows. But not moving also means not growing, and even worse, not serving or making a difference. 

And I think you are too special to let that happen.

Because whoever you are, and whatever your gifts, I truly believe that there is something you can do to contribute to this world. Muhammad Ali once said “Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth”, but I think it goes further than that. Service is not just rent, but it’s the pathway to the greatest sense of fulfillment and alignment that you will ever achieve.

But in order to feel it, you have to do it.

So today I ask you to serve someone. It may be in a small way, or in a way that pushes you beyond your comfort zone and into the fearful lands of doubt. Whatever, however, whomever, whenever. 

If you seek to serve others, you’ll soon find the gifts you questioned, and the pathway you have been longing for. Once you begin down that pathway, you will find a sense peace and belonging that can never be taken from you.

Once you know your purpose, and you serve it, your life will never be the same.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Finding Light in the Darkness

Finding Light in the Darkness.

I watched an amazing YouTube video this weekend. It’s simple, yet profound, and highlighted the absolute beauty of nature in concert with the ingenuity of our human race. It sounds kind of silly when I explain it, but the lesson it taught me was really necessary for me to hear at this time, and I would like to share it with you.

The video was of a train’s journey through the snowy mountains of Norway.

I know, it sounds really exciting right? :) And yes, I can tell you that the countryside looked incredible bathed in a blanket of snow. And yes, I can explain to you how the stark, cold and fairly inhospitable landscape made me very grateful to be warm and inside. 

I could even share with you the strange sense of peace and calm that I received as the train moved between the mountains and seemed to follow a path that was often covered in deep snow, present but unable to be seen.

But the real lesson was in the dark, rather than in the light.
.
The tunnels on this journey are incredible. There are many of them as the train wends its way under and through the breathtaking valleys and hills. Some of the tunnels were small, with enough light to enable you to see the walls, and the tracks. Some were a little longer, with lights throughout the tunnel that allowed a sense of space and perspective.

But the longest one was completely dark.

As the train ran through this tunnel, the view from the cab showed nothing but darkness pierced by a small distant light that offered hope in the distance. 

I found myself becoming slightly anxious, as the light in the distance never seemed to come closer, and even though I knew intellectually that there was going to be an end to the darkness, I found myself wondering if there really was hope for the journey.

And I realized how much that felt like our life here on earth.

We all go through times where there is light, beauty, magnificence and grandeur. Where life seems to be full of magic and wonder, and where the idea of darkness is distant and fleeting. 

But there are also times where we find ourselves in that deep suffocating darkness, where the only light we feel is small, insignificant and far away, and the hope of breaking out into the light of a new day seems to be beyond our reach.

And we become anxious, listening to the lies of our fears rather than the possibility of hope.

If you find yourself there today, in that darkness which shows no end, I implore you to reach out to someone; a friend, a lover, a parent, or even me. For as much as there is trial; there is also joy. As much as there is sorrow; there can be peace. 

As dark as your time may seem right now, I promise you there can be light again.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: How do you stand?

How do you stand?

There are times when life seems determined to crush you down. Where for some strange alignment of the universe, things just seem to coalesce into a catastrophic chaos. 

There seems to be no way out, or forward or through, and you are left quietly screaming inside your mind as you try to understand how you got here, and where to go from here.

And it’s worse when it’s your own fault.

Because we all have our issues. Some we are completely unaware of, and we carry these through life without a conscious realization of the damage our issues cause. Some we are aware of, but we don’t know why we struggle with those beliefs or behaviors. 

Some we know both the cause and the effect, and still find ourselves powerless to force ourselves into the actions that we know we need to take.

So we struggle, day to day.

Constantly trying to ‘fix’ that which we see wrong inside of us, making slow but noticeable progress, but all the time running from the things that haunt us. So we run until the threat appears to be over, and try to find the cure for ourselves in the space between the last threat and the next one. Searching for that peace which others seem to find, yet which eludes us in our desperation.

But here’s a little secret.

It’s true for everyone. Because when you are deep into your own problems, and the world feels like it’s crashing down upon you, there’s a tendency to think that no one else has problems, that their lives are perfect, and that you are the only person in the world who struggles. This comparison actually drags you further down into despair, making your journey back into joy and happiness that much harder.

While your situation may be specific to you, the pain and frustration are not – that’s universal.

Because almost everyone you meet is carrying their own history of trauma and attachment that creates pain and problems one way or another. Their story differs from yours in the details, but the theme of it is still the same. 

Pain creates psychological pathology that presents in patterns that cause more pain. The greater the pain, the harder it is to come back from.

Unless you ask for help.

But our shame and our fears try stop us from reaching out through the darkness for the help that could make all the difference in our lives. The sense of shame that we are somehow solely responsible for our problems, even when we have tried our best to overcome our weaknesses. The fear that others will judge us for our failings and be as merciless to us as we are to ourselves.

Yeah, think that one through for a moment.

Because you’ve lived so long never giving yourself compassion that you cannot imagine you would receive it from anyone else. So you continue on in your lonely isolation, carrying the weight of your world, and never reaching out.

Reach out. There is compassion waiting for you. It may be hard to find, but it is there.

—Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Just wanted to say I'm sorry...

Just wanted to say I'm sorry...

that I didn't have a reflection for you this morning. I got hit pretty hard with a migraine last night, and wasn't exactly up to writing.

I'm doing better today, and normal service will resume on Monday morning ;)

Until then, I hope you have a fantastic weekend full of fun, love and happiness.

Alan
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Do What Brings You Peace

Do What Brings You Peace.

People often come to me for advice. Partly as a coach, partly as a friend, partly as the author of this work. Often someone wants to know how they can change something in their life, and other times it’s for help in clarifying a choice that they have to make. 

Those are often the most difficult, because when someone has a choice, it seems there is a never ending supply of people who have an opinion on the subject.

And I try very hard to avoid making the choice for them.

Instead I try to ask questions. I try to present options, and help people find clarity about what they feel about each of those choices. Once they have a clear picture of every option, and the principles and ramifications that are attached to each, we transition into a process where they make a choice as to the direction they want to move in. 

That’s when I try very hard to make sure they choose what they want, and what they can live with.

I invite them to “Do what brings you peace”.

I think that’s the most profound advice I can offer. I know it sounds kind of generic, and almost like I am trying to avoid the specifics of their situation. But honestly, this one piece of advice is the most humble advice I can ever offer. 

Because it means that I am respecting their humanity, their consciousness and their agency, despite whatever my feelings about the situation are.

And though it’s sometimes hard, I believe it’s the right thing to do.

Because so many times we are tempted to give advice based on what we think is the right answer. I have seen this in families, in couples, in parent-child relationships, and in friendships. We get so caught up in our own view of the world and how it should be, that we forget to honor the divine consciousness in the soul of someone else.

As one of my favorite authors once wrote… “Sin is when you start to treat people like objects”.

But if I am able to remove my wants, my needs, my sense of ‘justice’ and my view of the world from the situation, only then am I truly able to help someone achieve true clarity and find peace for themselves. And truthfully, I can think of nothing more selfish and dangerous that to ask someone else to live a certain way based on your own needs and/or expectations. 

Because to ask someone to live according to your wants and needs is to demean their humanity to feed the exultation of your own. History is replete with the examples of the devastation that brings.

So the next time you receive advice, I invite you to ask yourself if that advice is given selfishly, or selflessly. You can tell the difference very simply. If the person giving you the advice wants you to choose what makes you happy, then you know they are truly balanced and at peace. 

If their advice to you feeds their demons, then you’ll know who’s peace they really have in mind.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Take A Deep Breath

Take A Deep Breath

And be in this moment, feeling the expansion of your chest, and the movement of the air as it courses through your nose and mouth, cascading down the back of your throat and into your lungs. 

Reaching the end of its journey, it unloads its life saving oxygen and picks up the poisonous carbon dioxide from deep within you, carrying into the outside world.

Every single breath is a miracle.

And breathe out, feeling your body return to its normal shape, as the air streams out of you. Warmed by the heat of your body, it steams in the cold air of the world. 

The magical interplay of light and air paints marvels in front of you, as that which was invisible is for a moment transformed into a living canvas of movement and refraction.

Be in this moment, and breathe.

With each breath now, allowing your mind to calm, focusing on that which you have and can give, rather than ruminating on that which you don’t have and want. Allow your consciousness to determine the flow and focus of your thoughts, being lost in compassion and gratitude for the miracle of your thoughts, your breath, this world, your soul.

Find that place of kindness within you, and allow it to expand with each breath until it becomes you.

Center yourself where you are, and when you are, not anxiously pulling pain from the future or the past. Share in the majesty of this moment, with its trials and its truths. 

Feel each muscle in your body, relaxing and moving in a symphony of motion that you hold in stillness as your mind moves closer to singularity, stillness and sensitivity. Experience the energy of each breath flowing in and through you as you find your place in the now that is always now.

And just be here, now.

With each long, slow, deliberate and divine breath, allow your inner vision to find all those things for which you could be grateful, and catalog them in your mind. Balance your breaths between finding and thanking, and let your mind be full of the things which bring you a sense of joy and gratitude. 

Then with each breath in, focus your mind onto something for which you grateful, and with the subsequent breath out, allow gratitude to suffuse through your soul, spreading from your heart to the very tips of your fingers and toes.

And feel the change in your body as you move into a deep, profound feeling of thankfulness.

For there are many reasons to give thanks in this world, and each breath can be a reminder of them. Train your heart, your soul and your mind to breathe gratitude every day, and you will discover a world far beyond your understanding.

Live your life in a state of wonder, and you will gaze in wonder at the state of your life.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Dichotomy

Dichotomy

It’s difficult, being human. Nothing quite balances as neatly as we would like. We trust our senses, yet we can be fooled with the simplest of tricks. We try to understand an infinite and eternal universe with a finite and temporal mind. 

We live our lives as if there will be tomorrows, yet we also have to survive each day. We try to make sense of the impossible, and balance what peace we find against a background of entropy that threatens to destroy all that we hold in a moment.

Every day we try find balance by grasping onto the things which we think we understand.

Yet deep in our minds, we find that we don’t truly understand ourselves. We try to make sense of the things that we feel, and the thoughts that rise up from deep within the recess of our souls. We attempt to follow principles, living by the truths that we feel are in alignment with the universe within and without, yet we trample our own ideology for reasons of the moment that are hard to understand.

And we fall into the darkness of our self condemnation.

And then we ask ourselves the questions that really define us as people. Am I a good person; do I have value in this world; is there something I can offer that will serve others and help them find their own light in the darkness; how do I balance my happiness against those around me; whom should I serve, how should I live; why are we here?

For every answer there is a confliction, for every conflict another question.

The further I walk on my path, I find that the only way to be certain of anything means that I have to accept uncertainty. Rather than seeking for light or dark, I have to accept them as two sides of the same coin, somehow believing that I have the ability to change how the coin will land when it is tossed in the air. The firmer I try to grasp certainties, the more they slip through my fingers into the abyss of possibility.

Wherein all seems to fall.

And so I struggle to find an alignment of my soul in the never ending confusion of the black and white that are neither. I seek to bring forth the best of myself, and accept it, while understanding the darkness within me, and seeking to hold it. 

For we none of us are singular, perfect and without a compassionate conflict in the darkness of our soul.
Yet there are those who have found their peace and their singularity despite their ever present flawed humanity. 

I am not one of them, yet I seek to be.

So every morning is a struggle to find my purpose and place within the cacophony of doubts and disillusionment that drips daily onto my soul. Moving onwards, I walk as both light and dark, solid and shadow, saint and sinner, wise man and fool.

Trying to discover the truths of who I am.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection--Status: Human

Status: Human

I had a post all written for today, and I scrapped it. I knew it wasn’t right, even though I couldn’t put my finger on the reason why it was wrong. So I sat down at my laptop again, and tried to find the thread of what I really needed to share with you. 

And then a simple Facebook post by a friend hit me so hard that I knew what today’s message was supposed to be.

That we are all human, together.

The post contained a video of a homeless man explaining how some people treat him as they pass him by. Yes, he is asking for money, but from what I could see he wasn’t being aggressive, he was just holding out a cup. 

His ability to eat, and sleep somewhere other than the street, was dependent upon the generosity of others. He talked about his inability to get a job because he doesn’t have a phone or an address.

But what hit me hardest was when he cried, explaining the way that people say cruel things to him.

I’ve always been blessed to have a roof over my head. I don’t know what it’s like to be homeless, but I’m guessing that this man has seen, and lived through, a lot of things. I can’t begin to imagine what it must take to make him feel sad enough to cry, what kind of cruel statements people must make to him on the street as they pass him by.

And I wondered also what kind of pain that person has to be feeling, that they can treat another human being, who is so obviously hurting, with such disregard for his humanity. 

What kind of wound is in their heart, what lack of feeling, that they can be so untouched and unmoved by the sight of another person, who lives, breathes and cries that same way that they do, that they would go out of their way to treat them horribly.

And I realized they were both hurting.

It struck me in a way that it hasn’t before that although pain is a uniquely personal experience for each of us, it is at the same time a universal experience for all of us. That pain is a guaranteed experience for all of us at some point, and that the person who is causing another pain is just as in need of my help and my notice as the person they are hurting.

That’s a hard thing for me to accept, because the very human part of me wants to see the guilty punished.

But if I am going to be a healer, a peacemaker, a force for kindness and a refuge for those in need of whatever I have to offer, then I need to be willing to share my knowledge with those who are hurting regardless of their actions. 

Because in truth we are all hurting, and we have probably all hurt people to some degree.

To hurt is human, and to hurt is human. May we be willing to heal all who are Status: Human.

And may we make a difference in the world today.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Trouble With Your Unprocessed Trauma

The Trouble With Your Unprocessed Trauma.

There are so many things we don’t talk about. Maybe it’s because we’re scared to seem vulnerable to others, or afraid of looking weak or foolish. 

Sometimes our traumas are so deep that we just don’t want to dredge up the past one more time, because the pain never seems to change, and going back to those memories gives us only one outcome of which we can be certain.

It’s going to hurt, a lot.

We all experience trauma in our lives and most of the time we find a way to “get by” after the experience, but getting by is not living life in a way that produces feelings of gratitude and a profound sense of purpose. 

“Getting by” is the death knell of passion, principle and purpose, and leads to a lifetime of quiet pain and desperation if allowed to define and determine our ongoing existence.

“Getting by” is its own form of emotional post traumatic stress disorder.

I spoke today with two different people about the unresolved trauma in the lives of those close to them. They told similar stories, of painful experiences that came to define the ongoing actions of people whom they loved, but who could not fully love them back because the pain they carried was distorting their lives into corrosive caricatures of the people they used to be. 

Unprocessed trauma is an indiscriminate killer.

So why don’t people resolve their trauma? If it’s so destructive, why is it that people carry these feelings around with them for the rest of their lives? That’s a tough question to answer, but the more I work with people, the patterns become clearer before my eyes.

Because some people are completely unaware of how they still carry trauma within them, and so walk through the world in pain without understanding. Some people have a suspicion of why they hurt, and sense that something is wrong, but are unable to identify the cause of their pain. 

And then there are those who know the cause of their pain, but are afraid to go deeper one more time in a attempt to heal that wound which has festered for far too long.

But there is a way out.

The pathway leading out of trauma is never easy, but it can be done. It usually requires tears, time, the courage to open your heart and the trust in your guide to lead you through the darkness.

But it can be done.

If you are suffering from a wound that refuses to heal, please know that there is hope for happiness in the future. For while you may not see the pathway before you right now, I promise you that you can find peace within you.

If I can be of any help, please feel free to reach out. 

I am here for you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Focus Your Will On The World

Focus Your Will On The World

It’s a strange thing, this place we call the universe. One part random, one part cause-and-effect and one part intention. Random we accept, cause and effect we can anticipate. 

But intention, where you focus your will to manifest a result that hasn’t happened yet, that’s where the real magic begins. Because here’s a sobering truth that should at the same time fill you full of anticipation and optimism.

Everything you see was once just intention.

This computer, the mouse, the chair, the desk, the lightbulb, the wall, the carpet. All of those were once intention before they were real. The Internet that allows us to share our thoughts together was once just an idea in the mind of a few crazy people who saw beyond what was and dreamed what could be into reality. 

They probably couldn’t see the end, but they knew what was going to look like. And then they discovered a secret known only to those who have pushed beyond the boundaries of the now into the next.

Intention charts a course for the universe.

I could tell you things about intention, that would make you think I was crazy. Then I’d show you the studies, and then you would really start to wonder about what is real and what isn’t. 

Because the further you dive into the world of intention, the less the universe responds to the Newtonian laws by which we live our day-to-day lives. As a born skeptic it has taken many years for me to see and finally accept the truth that intention drags the universe along with you.

But I’ve seen it too many times now to question.

And yet intention is not enough. You can’t just sit there and will things into existence. We are not that advanced yet. Intention has to be backed up with hard work, and sometimes an almost fanatical level of dedication. 

I used to think that it was just the hard work, and that the intention was just a mental motivation to do the work. Not anymore. I’ve seen too much.

Now I try to be very deliberate and definite with my intention, and follow it through with hard work.

Because I have seen very intentioned people who did nothing and got nowhere and I have seen people who worked hard but without a clear definition and intent and they got nowhere. The work makes it possible but the intention brings it into reality. It all comes down to what you focus on and how hard you focus on it.

Your focus manifests your reality.

Today I invite you to be very intentional. Do what you are doing with a definite sense of purpose, with a definite intention for a result, and see what a difference it makes to your world. 

Resources will appear, pathways will open and the craziest things will begin to come forth.

Focus your will on the world and see what happens .

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Polarity

Polarity.

In an age where information and communication are more readily available than ever before, we are growing further apart as people. 

Crawling into the digital echo chambers of our ever present devices, we are isolating ourselves from the one thing that can create growth and inspire peace between our races, nations, genders and families.

The ability to listen to an opposing point of view.

In politics, in the definition of societal structures, in the determination of family and even in the relationships between genders, there appears to be a greater divide than a coming together. 

As voices rise in pitch and provocation, we are becoming less desirous of peace, and more willing to enter into conflicts of ideas without a respect for our common humanity.

The need to be right has overridden the responsibility to be respectful.

I see this in the lives of friends who have become so polarized by one position that they have ceased to become anything else. Casting off all pretense of civility and compassion, they desire the destruction of an opposing point of view, and all who espouse it, without regard for the truth or the possibility of a valid opinion that does not conform to their own.

The fascism of ideology is replacing the tyranny of theology. Have we learned nothing?

Where are the cries for peace in the midst of the cacophony for chaos? When will we turn to our neighbor seeking reunion with the same fervor and ferocity as we now seek victory at the cost of our common decency? 

It seems a forgotten reality that we still have to live with the people with whom we disagree, even if we have temporarily triumphed in some venue of war, or whatever passes for it. Victory seems to destroy the virtues of kindness and friendship, relegating the defeated to the position of the enemy, rather than the friend with whom we must reconcile.

We cannot continue down this causeway of chaos, lest we find ourselves in a conflict entirely of our own creation.

Today, I implore you to begin the process of peace by listening not to the arguments of your opponent, but to the beating of your heart that declares them as such. 

Journey inside yourself, and ask why you cannot reach out in peace and harmony. When you find the answer to this question, you will have served the world in way that no-one else ever could.

If you would seek to find the flaw in others, first understand your desire to do so.

If you would seek peace, find it first in you.

—Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Life is the opportunity, not the certainty

Life is the opportunity, not the certainty.

I saw a picture tonight that stopped me cold. It was of a woman who had just given birth, cradling her newborn child. It looked like every normal birth picture, except that the mother’s head was shaved bald. 

At 7 months into her pregnancy, she was diagnosed with breast cancer, and started on chemo therapy. In the midst of the beauty of the birth of a new life, a cloud of darkness had come to reduce the sunshine.

And I wept at the sight. I hope and pray that she will be ok.

I learned on the very first day of fatherhood that I should never take anything for granted. At less than 6 hours old, our oldest son was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect, and we were informed that he would require open heart surgery. 

I can’t fully express my feelings from that day in language, because I don’t think there is a way to describe a fear that raw, a terror so complete and an incredible feeling of helplessness. We had to trust our son to the care of those who were trained in miracles. 

And we received a miracle in return.

But sometimes those miracles don’t come, and the darkness falls like rain. No matter our hopes, our prayers, our best efforts and the dedication of everything we have, life can be a difficult experience. Sometimes the greatest desires of our hearts are unfulfilled, and we are left to wonder and weep at the abject cruelty of an uncaring universe.

And we realize that our illusion of certainty is no certainty at all.

In fact, the longer I live and observe this strange journey that we call life, I become more convinced that the only certainties are uncertainties. That the only guarantee I will ever have is that goodness and grief are likely to find me in equal measure. My realization should be that life is indiscriminate with both its kindness and its cruelty.

I begin to suspect that the pathway to peace is not in the absence of suffering, nor the eternal possession of joy, but rather in a deep sense of gratitude for the experience of everything.

And it appears to me that within that sense of gratitude is also the secret to finding an acceptance of myself. With a full knowledge of my facets and flaw, strengths and sadness, I seek to balance the equation of the judgment of myself, and if I am to be grateful for a universe full of darkness and light, then maybe I can also accept a self that is also.

For there are no absolutes to be found in this realm, although there may be further on. 

For now, it behooves me to try to find what peace I can in the acceptance of all that is. Knowing that there will be both joy and grief, laughter and loss, happiness and heartache and sadness and smiles, I desire to choose the joy of embracing all that I can experience in all the days that are in front of me.

For each day is a gift. Nothing is certain. All I have, is now.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: When You Don’t Speak, My Fears Will Do It For You

When You Don’t Speak, My Fears Will Do It For You.

Last Friday, I wrote about the miracle of language, and our desire for more authentic communication in our intimate relationships. I invited you to talk with more depth and honesty, and to enrich both your life and theirs. 

Today, I’d like to continue that thought with an understanding of what happens when you don’t speak, because this will cause more damage to your relationships than you can imagine.

You see, if you don’t tell me what you are feeling, then my fears and my insecurities will fill in your side of the conversation. And the chances are, it’s not going to be what you actually would have said, and it’s not going to enrich our relationship.

And the really scary part is that our brains can’t really tell the difference.

That’s why it’s so important for people to talk, and to be honest with each other. Because when you hold back in a relationship, for whatever reason (you’re scared, you don’t want to hurt your partner) what you do is leave a void that is going to be filled. 

I wrote a long time ago about how silence cannot be misquoted, but it can be misinterpreted, and there is definitely a time for silence, but it’s not during a difficult time during an intimate relationship. 

The more emotionally charged the conversation, the greater the likelihood that I will misinterpret your silence in a way that meets my needs (whether I am aware of it or not).

And those needs might not be what you think.

Because often times, our need for certainty (the ability to avoid pain in the future) is so great that we are willing to accept pain now rather than risk potential future pain in the relationship. 

So rather than interpret your silence as something good, we instinctively choose a translation that is bad (painful for us) so that we can get the pain over with. I know that sounds messed up, because it is, but I guarantee that you have done this in the past. You just probably don’t know that you have.

So your silence translates to the worst possible thing that you could be thinking, even though you are probably not.

Given enough time, and enough ‘conversations’ in your partner’s head, your relationship becomes fractured through the things you didn’t say, and like I said earlier, after a while our brain can’t tell the difference between a painful emotional conversation had in real life, and one had only on the inside of your mind.

The more you talk, with kindness and caring honesty, the greater the chance that your relationship will not only survive, but thrive into the deep, honest, authentic and meaningful partnership that we all crave, but find so hard to achieve.

Speak the truths of your soul. Kindly, reverently, honestly and considerately. 

The truth will set you free, but first you have to speak it.

— Dr. Alan Barne
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Words You’re Not Saying

The Words You’re Not Saying.

I think we take the miracle of language for granted. I say miracle, because the fact that your consciousness can choose to vibrate air at precisely the correct frequency so that my consciousness can interpret it is mind blowing. 

The you that is aware doesn’t know how to do that, and the awareness that is me has no idea how to measure the vibrations and create communication from it.

Yet we make it happen.

And don’t even get me started on the syntax of a language, with its nuances and the incredible depth of meaning that we share in the words that we use. Either spoken or written, our ability to communicate is the gift that allows us to rise above our innate capacities and edify ourselves with knowledge and the shared emotions that enriches and gives meaning to our existence. 

But so many of us do not say the words that we really need to say.

Because the only true way to have a meaningful life is to have real relationships. Ones that are built on trust, respect, caring for each other and a healthy bedrock of honest, heartfelt communication. And while we can express some of our truths in a body language and facial expressions, the real truths that we need to convey are often locked deep in our hearts, or even deeper in our soul away from our day to day awareness. Only language can help us to access these truths.

And these are the truths that can set us free.

Most, if not all of us, really crave a deep and heartfelt intimacy. Not of sharing bodies and time, but of sharing our fears, our needs, our insecurities and our desires. I hope that at some point in your life you have sat with another human being in that quiet moment when barriers were dropped, pretenses were shed and raw, naked, human truth was shared in confidence and kindness.

If you’ve had that experience, you know what I mean.

Yet day to day we hold these secrets close in our hearts, and fail to reveal them even to those who are closest to us. In fact, these are often the people that we need to share with, yet we hold back out of a fear that the sharing of our truths will in some way diminish us in the eyes of someone who we value.

In my experience, nothing could be further from the truth.

So today, I invite you to enrich your most intimate relationships with more honest, and deeper communication. Share the things that you have been wanting to say; with kindness, with compassion and with humility. 

I have seen time and time again that so many of our problems in life are down to a lack of honest and truthful conversation. Not by phone, not in an email, but face to face, heart to heart, soul to soul.

The truth can set you free, but first you have to speak it.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Allow Yourself To Be Crazy

Allow Yourself To Be Crazy

This weekend we’re going to do something kind of nuts. My sweet wife Holly and I are going to drive up into the mountains (again) on a mission to see a house that I have fallen in love with. 

It’s gorgeous, and is honestly the first house that has ever spoken to me in quite this way. Looking at it online takes my breath away, and makes me feel like this is the house that I would honestly love to call my home. 

And yes, it’s a little bit expensive.

Ok, full disclosure, it’s insanely expensive, and right now there’s no obvious way that we could ever afford it without a wild change of life. To add to the reality check, it’s kind of off road, and there is snow in the mountains and this house is kind of off the beaten path, so there’s a significant possibility that we could get stuck in the snow. It could even be in a gated community, so we might not even be able to get to it.

Do I care – not really.

I totally realize that some people will look at this as a waste of time and money. Why drive so far, in bad conditions, on the chance that we could drive by a house that we might not ever be able to own, to get stuck in the snow. Sure, when you put it like that, it sounds ridiculous, and yet to me it makes every sense in the world to go there and give ourselves the chance to dream.

Maybe I’m crazy, but I don’t care.

Because I need to have a dream, and a crazy expectation for myself, or the world would become a very dull place. I know the improbable can happen, because I’m living it. I’ve come so much further than my background would ever have suggested. 

If you look at the statistics of my birth, my family and my high school record, you would understand that I am living a life so very different than anyone could have imagined.

So I choose to dream, and believe that the impossible is waiting for me.

But not only for me, but for you as well. I believe that most people have genius and madness inside of them, but they hide it away, afraid of the censure of the world and the people who will think ill of them. 

I reject this notion. I choose to believe in you, and in your greatness, your humanity, your kindness, and your nobility. I choose to believe that we all have the capacity to change the world.

But what if I’m wrong?

Well, it will have been a better life than sitting quietly. Maybe I’ll have tried, and crashed and burned spectacularly. Maybe they’ll all laugh, and use me as an example to their children of what not to be, how not to live. If that is how this ends up, then SO BE IT.

I’ll stick with crazy, and be happy. Come along for the ride.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings