Morning Reflection #564: And We’re Back...

In the old days, when broadcast television was the only way to see the shows that you wanted, the commercials between those shows was often the only time to grab a drink, or run to the bathroom.

If the show was live, you would often hear the phrase ‘and we’re back’ signaling that time was again moving on, and that if you weren’t in your seat now, you were going to miss things.

So now it’s time for me to say ‘and we’re back’.

Sorry it’s been a while since I’ve written. Life has had a lot of moving parts over the past couple of months.

Between helping one of my sons get the time in to pass his driving test, coaching a client who lives on the other side of the world (time zone math is not my friend) and still trying to run a healthcare practice in the ever changing face of a pandemic, I’ve been neglecting not only this work, and all of you, but even my own emotional and physical health.

In short, I haven’t been making the time to look after me.

Which is something I think we are all guilty of at some point. In the last year, as the pandemic turned our world and our lives upside down, a lot of what hasn’t been an immediate need has fallen by the wayside.

Instead of living peaceful, meaningful and satisfying lives, many of us have been moving from one crisis to the next, struggling to put out fires, and trying to understand why we feel so drained, and so very, very tired.

And since I’ve been pondering this question for a while now, I’d like to share my answer with you.

I think it might be because we’ve been living a set of expectations and understandings that barely served us in the world before the pandemic, and which were in no way suited to helping us thrive and flourish in a world that seemingly went mad for a while.

Even before the virus arrived, many of us struggled to find a deep sense of meaning and joy in our lives.

Add to that a pandemic, and things just get kind of strange.

Because our sense of community has been changed. As someone who is an introverted extrovert (which means I am great when it comes time to be around people, but I really need my solitude and quiet time) I’ve not struggled as much as some with the enforced isolation, but I’ve noticed that as my sense of community has gotten smaller, so my sense of happiness and support and has decreased as well.

Apparently even people who don’t often need people still occasionally need people. Who knew

But we’ve also been measuring ourselves against a backdrop of metrics that didn’t account for the world around us shifting beneath our feet. We became too focused on what we couldn’t do, rather than gratefully realizing that there were still choices available to us, just not necessarily as many as we wanted.

When you forget that a limited choice is still a choice, you start forgetting just how good you still have it.

If I’ve learned anything in the past few months, it’s that the only real power I have in any situation is the emotions I allow myself to experience from what happens, and how I feel about my responses in the moment to the meanings I take from the circumstances. (Yes, I know that sentence was a lot, it was supposed to be)

If I forget that I still have power, then I fall into the feeling of being powerless, which tears at even the strongest souls.

So I’m choosing to get back into this work. I don’t know if it I will write very day, but hopefully it will be a lot more frequent than it has been, and hopefully I’ll bring you something to make you think, to pause to reflect, and to wonder.

Thanks for sticking around, I really appreciate you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #563: Walking into Next

We’re always changing. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to avoid it, or what you do to run from it, change is always coming.

You can hide out in a cabin in the woods, off the grid, with no contact, and while it might look like you have avoided change, it’s still happening out in that world around you. In your cells, in the world, in the lives of those around you.

It’s always coming for you.

The older I get, the more I’m craving change. No matter if you make the outside world perfect, there’s always going to be things in the inner world that will throw you, and last time I checked the outer world is nowhere near perfect, and it isn’t getting any closer to it.

Yet I see more and more that could change within me, and could change in the outer world.

Fluid, moving, and inescapable.

It doesn’t matter how desperately you try to anchor yourself in the moment, the current is always going to wash you. You can stagnate against the changes if you so desire, trying to find a moment of stability in your supposed peace of the moment, but time itself is moving under, within and above you.

You can no more hold into the moment as you can stop the tide from coming in.

Time has waves and seasons, and you are a part of all of it.

The more you grasp for things to stay the same, the more you will lose day after day. The art of living is to surf the changes, finding your balance not in one spot within the ocean, but in the movement of the water as it rolls inexorably onto the next beach the next cloud, the next ocean.

The water moves within its function, both an element of chaos and a bringer of life, balancing destruction and divinity, deep and abiding.

But if everything changes, what is permanent to hold into?

The answer is the same as it’s always been – you. Even though you change, you are the one constant within all the stories in which you partake. No matter what happens, your consciousness, your ability to experience yourself and the world around you is the only constant.

When you begin to focus your moment and awareness into yourself, you’ll realize that you can surf the changes of time and the universe in a way that allows you to always know where and who you are.

In that knowledge, even when becomes irrelevant.

Because you can begin to live with the knowledge that you are, and you are here within yourself. Time then becomes unnecessary, because now becomes yesterday, today and forever.

You choose to experience that which brings you peace, unwilling to spend your now in a way that is incongruent with who you know yourself to be.

Peace in this moment, wisdom in the next.

And the funny thing is, the pathway is there for any of us, if we will but choose to walk it.

Becoming one with yourself, finding calm and serenity in wherever you find yourself, is not the purview of the gifted, but the possible destination of the state of consciousness we deign to call human.

Difficult, but possible; hard won but worthwhile.

You can walk there with you next thought, your next decision, your next pathway.

You just have to see it and choose.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #562: The January/February Axis of Suck

Sorry I haven’t written in a while – this is never a good time for me. I have come to look upon the months of January & February with a certain fear, trepidation & sadness.

As someone who grew up in England, with gray skies and rain as a constant during these months, I find my emotional energy in January & February to be very low.

There are times when it feels like all I can do to make it through the day.

And it hasn’t been made any easier this year by the global pandemic we are living through. As a very ‘hands on’ self-employed healthcare practitioner who doesn’t have the option of telemedicine, this last year has been grueling.

It’s honestly felt like I’m dodging bullets most of the time, with a few very near misses. Days are long, leaving home before the sun comes up, and returning after it’s gone down.

Sometimes it’s hard to see that there will ever be light again.

Truthfully I know how to help myself, but it requires effort to do the things that would help, and right now, effort seems to be in short supply. I know that meditation would be really good for me, but it’s a struggle to make the time, to center my thoughts, and to hold myself in a place of peace and serenity.

Sometimes it’s easier to just find things to distract myself with, even though I know it’s not as effective.

And then I struggle with the judgment of knowing I’m not doing the best for myself.

Likewise, exercise would be really good for me right now. I have a treadmill in my home office, free weights and a bench/lat tower combo in the garage, and a bicycle that hasn’t had much use recently.

I know I would feel better afterwards, but the energy to get started, and to follow through after starting just seems to evade me.

All I see are a thousand roads leading into sadness.

Even food is a struggle right now. I’m still eating the same Ketogenic diet I’ve been on for almost 5 years now, but portion control is kind of a joke, and I haven’t tracked what I’ve eaten in so long.

After losing 145lbs in 18 months, you’d think I would have the willpower to just get back on course, make the changes, and do what needs to be done.

But the truth is I’ve gained back a portion of that weight, and I don’t feel that good about it.

I’m sharing this today because I've seen more and more people recently talking about how they are struggling, and I’m guessing that there are even more who are keeping quiet about it.

We have this stigma around struggling, especially when we live a society that praises achievement and production over kindness and compassion, and too many people put on a façade every day, rather than admit how they feel to another.

Which doesn’t help, because in truth we all struggle at some time in our lives, and right now is a difficult time for most of us.

A time when our weaknesses seem magnified, and our faults seem to come clearer into view. A time where we feel like the burdens we carry are eternal; here with us forever to slow us down, and take from our souls the very energy we need to pick ourselves back up. A time when darkness seems forever, and the light is so far away.

A perception, not a reality. An illusion, borne of sadness and time.

One of the things I’m trying to do most of all right now is extend to myself some compassion and understanding. It’s all too easy to beat myself up over this, and smother my efforts in judgment and derision, but I am working on accepting that I am doing the best that I have to offer right now.

Sure it’s not everything I could do, but some things right now are just outside of what I can afford from an energy perspective.

So if you’re finding yourself to be less productive, less engaged, less dynamic and less effective right now, please give yourself a hug, and realize that taking care of yourself at a basic level might be the very best thing you can do right now.

Sometimes we have the strength to swim against the tide, and other times we just have to focus on staying afloat, conserving our energy and waiting until there is a quiet in the storm, so that we can move forwards.

Be kind to yourself today, and if you are struggling and feel like you are going under, reach out for help.

There are good people in the world, and they really do care.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #561: Will you make it safe for me?

I’ve known her for years, and in that time we’ve had some interesting conversations. Sometimes we agreed, sometimes we’ve disagreed. There have been times that she’s come to me for advice, for an opinion, and sometimes just because she needed to vent. I get a lot of that

Yet she asked me something recently that really surprised me and helped me understand where she was at. As we discussed how I might help her at this time in her life, she asked me one question…

Will you make it safe for me?

And I knew instantly that she was in a difficult place. Some things have occurred in her life that could be interpreted as a loss or a failure.

Like many of the people I coach, she struggles to hold a good opinion of herself, and she tends to view her life through the binary lens of success or failure, good or bad, loveable or unlovable.

As you can probably guess, right now she’s not feeling on the positive end of any of those.

It became pretty clear in the conversation that followed that she’s afraid of what comes next. As she laid down a bunch of stipulations, it seemed that she had spent some time figuring out what I might ask her to do, or suggestions I might have to help her work through where she is at.

One by one she closed off all the avenues that she felt could be too painful for her right now.

Not realizing that she was leaving open the one place I wanted her to go.

Because for her it’s the ultimate place of safety, and it’s really where she’ll find the answers and the peace that she’s looking for. However it’s also the last place that she really wants to look, because it’s the source of all of her problems, and right now she’s too afraid of that place to want to face it head-on.

While I understand why she feels the way she does, I also have walked that pathway myself and know that in the end, it always comes down to the hardest conversation that we’ll ever have.

With ourselves.

Ultimately, whether or not I can “make it safe for her” comes down to how well I can help her navigate the painful feelings inside of her.

I’ve done this long enough to know that there’s no way to avoid what she has to go through if she really wants to heal, but I also know how much it can help to have somebody who’s there for you, holding a space for you, not judging you, and being there for you when it sometimes seems like no one else is.

Because the people who really make a difference in our lives are not just the ones who ask us the deep questions, but who are also there with the compassion to help us find the answers.

In the end, my goal with her is the same as it is with everybody. I’ll try to help her see who she really is inside, and help her walk away from all of the negative beliefs that she has. To do so, shall have to be willing to give up what she’s desperately holding onto.

It still amazes me that so many of us hold onto beliefs that hurt us, because we are afraid of a truth that we have to accept if we let that belief go.

And how much we will cling to something painful, because we’re afraid of learning something different.

I’d like to challenge you today to ask yourself what would happen if you actually let go of some of the beliefs that you’re holding onto. It might not seem pleasant, it might not seem safe, and it might not seem calm, but I promise you the peace that comes after you go through that storm will change you.

Peace has a funny way of doing that, especially if you know the right questions to ask.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #560: You Have One Life

An old friend sent me a picture of our class photo from around 35 years ago. As I stared in something like shock at how young I used to be, I started naming off names.

I got about 75% of them right, and yet what was more surprising to me was that I could still give you my profile concepts for each of them. Clever or dumb, kind or cruel, aggressive or passive, successful or failure.

And I wondered how right I had been in those assumptions.

Other than the friend who sent me the picture, I haven’t talked to any of them in probably 30 years. I wondered if they were to see a picture of me, would they still expect me to be the same messed up kid I always was back then, bleeding emotional pain and missing large numbers of days when the idea of facing school was too painful.

Would they have predicted me to be where I am (wherever that actually is).

I think I've grown in the last 30 years. Almost 25 years of marriage, 2 children, graduate school, my own business. Powerful highs, and incredible lows.

Yet here I am, in my 4th year of writing this work, and in some ways I feel like I’m just getting started, just growing up. Would my classmates of years long gone decide that I had ‘made good’ or ‘exceeded their expectations’?

Would I even care about their opinions…

Honestly, no. I decided many years ago that allowing the opinions of others to control you is one of the fastest roads to the city of madness. As the old saying goes… You can please all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time….

But if you don’t please yourself, none of that matters at all.

Looking back at the young man I was, with unkempt hair, and a somewhat forced smile (if you’ve ever survived a school picture day you know what I mean) I realized that it didn’t matter at all what he would of thought of me, because he was a 14-15 year old kid who didn’t have a clue about how wildly his life was going to change. All he really cared about was surviving each and every day.

He didn’t know who I would become, and none of my classmates did either.

In the 35 years since that picture was taken, I’ve come to understand that the only person who you really have to make peace with, and learn to love completely, is the person staring back at you in the mirror.

If you aren’t happy with who you are, then no one’s opinion of you is going to change what you think about yourself.

And until you make peace with who you are, you’ll never really find peace anywhere else.

Now please understand, loving yourself doesn’t mean you have an unrealistic opinion of yourself, or think that in some way you are better than everyone you meet – it’s far from that.

Loving yourself is an acceptance of all of your flaws and quirks, your darkest days and your weakest nights. It’s realizing that the very humanity which hurts you is also the alchemy that ennobles you.

And realizing that this one life that you have, this moment of history in the universe, is a gift and an opportunity.

As time goes by, hopefully you’ll stop asking if you were successful, and realize that your happiness and your satisfaction with the way you live your life is the only currency that will ever bring you peace.

You’ll care less about the opinions of others, and focus on living in congruency with the highest of your ideals. Your values will be your guidepost, and your compassion your power.

Living in the fullness of you, you’ll find an abundance of joy.

Because this life, right now and today, is your chance to experience not only the worst, but the best that you have to offer. In the years beyond this, you may look back with wonder at the choices that you made, and marvel at the peace that they brought you.

This life is yours to do with as seems best.

Make it a good one.

You’ll be glad you did.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #559: Simple

We’ve become too complex. In the midst of a thousand sources of information, and the continual addition of more, we’re becoming saturated with data, and drowned in a deluge of opinion masquerading as fact.

With instantaneous access to knowledge, and immediate requests on our time, life becomes more chaotic as it constricts us with complexity.

We’ve lost the art of being simple.

On one of my late night YouTube voyages the other day, I happened across a video shot from a train as it travelled through the beautiful scenery of the mountains in Norway.

Through night into day, from sunlight into snow, the train wound its way through tunnels, around lakes and across frozen valleys. In one particular section, it passed a small cottage, not very many yards from the track itself…

And something about that cottage moved me.

It wasn’t a very large building, but it didn’t seem to need to be. With snow piled up around it, it spoke of warmth, of comfort and especially of quiet evenings around the fire. I could almost feel the imagined heat of the flames from the logs as the quiet crackling sent sparks up the chimney.

I could see myself, my wife and our dog sitting there one evening, warm and cozy in the glow of the fireplace. But I wondered what I would be doing there, sitting quietly in the half-light.

Because the idea of sitting quietly with nothing to do makes me really uncomfortable these days.

I began to wonder how long it’s been since I sat with a book, reading for enjoyment rather than for growth, or coaching, or to understand more and more in this headlong rush to keep up with the many and complex changes in the world.

I realized that I had a significant negative emotional response to the idea of ‘doing nothing’.

Yet as a Doctor, and as a coach, I can tell you that ‘nothing’ is incredibly important. Rest in the physical world allows our bodies to heal injuries, maintain vital processes and even grow in abilities.

In the psychological world, rest allows us time to process events and emotions, balancing the new with the old. In the spiritual world, rest gives us time to connect, to renew, to accept.

But in our world of immediacy, ‘nothing’ is in short supply, and is even harder to find.

This last week, during a consultation with a friend, we took her through a very difficult emotional experience, which caused her much emotional turmoil. As she found her realization, and accepted the truth of what I had told her, she immediately wanted to know ‘what to do next’ in her journey.

She was rather surprised, and not a little saddened, to hear me reply ‘do nothing, and sit with it for a while’.

Because I knew she needed time to process and heal, while she wanted to be done with the whole thing.

Simple gives us time to process, but also to recognize, to dream, and to imagine. A simple life doesn’t have to be one that is lesser, not does it have to be unfulfilling.

I have found that if you can’t find peace and contentment in simple, then you’re only distracting yourself with noise of complexity, and sometimes those who crave the loudest noise, are those who are fleeing furthest from the silence.

Simple is space, simple is time, simple is understanding, simple is gratitude.

Life, in all of its complexity, is still simple.

Live, find happiness, spread peace…

And breathe.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #558: The Universe Says Hi

Wednesday was a horrible day. The events on the national stage played a part, but there were also things closer to home that all seemed to correlate into one giant moment of ‘suck’.

When I went to sleep on Wednesday night I was questioning just about every aspect of my life, and trying to make sense of the changes that I feel are coming.

And it didn’t look good.

I’m on the borderlands of some pretty significant decisions, ones that have the power to shift the rest of my life in ways that seemed unthinkable just a few years ago. I find myself contemplating what once seemed unimaginable, and realizing that I may well be making choices that won’t make much sense to most people.

Such is the nature of life sometimes I guess.

So when I awoke on Thursday morning, it wasn’t with a happy heart. I rolled over to turn off my alarm, and saw an email from someone who I had never heard from before.

A very kind person who has found some enjoyment and introspection from this work took time out of their day to email me a really wonderful note, just thanking me, and offering me some encouragement.

And it nearly moved me to tears.

Because despite what it may seem like from my writing, I don’t feel like I have everything worked out. Most days it’s quite the opposite. I have made decisions in my life that I would give anything to change, and like most people, I struggle to find my place in the world.

I have times when I feel I can make a difference, and other times where I wonder if I can do anything right.

And some days where I don’t feel like I should do much of anything at all.

A little later in the day, a good friend reached out on Facebook to ask me if I would consider trying to help a friend of theirs. It seems like this person has tried so many avenues to find answers to their problems, and yet has come up empty time after time.

Out of their compassion and kindness, my friend felt like I might be able to help where no one else seems to have made a difference.

And she expressed to me some kind words about what she thought I could do.

Then later in the day I met with an old friend who is going through some difficult times. In the conversation that followed many tears were shed, and hopefully some progress was made. As she left, she told me that she truly felt like many years ago, when she first met me, that my words had ‘saved her life’, and she thanked me for being there for her.

And it was nice to feel like I had made a difference.

I don’t tell you any of this to brag, or to make you think that I am putting myself on a pedestal. I merely tell you because I honestly feel like today was one of those times where the universe actually noticed me, and was there for me with some encouragement when I was honestly questioning if the choice to move forward is the right one.

Three times some good I might have done in the world came back to me in a moment of worry, to give me some hope that there is something I can do to make a difference, and that there is some hope that I can be the person I want to be.

I think sometimes when we are walking through life, and the path ahead seems poorly lit, and we question just about every choice that we have made, that there are rare moments of light that come shining through, quietly and briefly.

You might only see the pathway for a moment, or maybe you just see that next step in front of you, but I do believe that sometimes, every once in a while, the Universe reaches out to say hello, and just remind you that you have value, and that things might work out ok.

And for that today, I am very thankful.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #557: When the Past Won’t Seem to Let You Go

In one way or another, we’re all a survivor of what has already happened to us. It might have been something terrible, or it might have been something wonderful, but each of us has a past, and in one way or another, we bear the secrets and the scars.

No matter what has happened in the days that have gone before, each of us carries that knowledge with us.

And sometimes, it carries us right on back to where we were.

In this time of the year, it’s very human to start making plans and changes for the new year ahead. Whether it’s to consume less, or save more; be kinder, or fight back, we’re all a product of our past until we’ve done the work to let it go.

Even then, there are still some patterns hardwired into our nervous systems that seem determined to thwart our best intentions, and hold us back from moving forward.

Sometimes the past is a refuge, and sometimes it’s an anchor.

But the truth is, a lot of the time, the past is nothing more than a set of stories that we told ourselves, and that we cling to in order to make sense of the universe and our place in it. Like all stories, there’s an event, a storyteller, and a meaning.

Sometimes even the event isn’t exactly how it happened, just our recollection of the essential details that we need to try and find some order in that which does not, and maybe never will, make sense.

Which is where the storyteller comes in.

Because unless you are aware of it, the storyteller is that voice inside of you that has absorbed all the traumas, and listened to all the lies.

The storyteller’s goal is to create some kind of meaning from what happened, so that you can use it to understand the universe going forwards, but it does so through the lens of your fears and your misunderstandings.

Which means the interpretations that it tells you are often those that will hurt and hold you back.

So in order to break through, and move forwards, you’re going to have to find a way to understand those stories, and tease out the truth from within them. Maybe the meanings that you’ve taken from your past served you then, but are not helpful going forwards on your pathway to peace.

Perhaps you need to understand the past in a different way now, and to do that, you’re going to have to let go of your stories.

Because the stories you’ve created around the past were made up to support the way you see the universe, and letting go of them is never easy. No one wants to have their view of the universe changed, because it’s unsettling and painful.

It leaves you wondering about everything, until you are ready to take the path of uncertainty and possibility over certainty and fear.

And mark my words…. unless you are ready for it, uncertainty is scary.

Until it isn’t. Because there’s an incredible sense of freedom and potential in uncertainty. Suddenly, that which you knew was impossible might not be, and that which you feared would never come to pass just might show up along your way.

Once you release the grip of the past, the future becomes a land of possibility.

And it will draw you forwards, into the future, and into peace.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #556: The Resolution of Try

So I’m about to commit mass heresy with this post, and disagree with someone who’s wisdom and kindness has never before been brought into question.

Although he was apparently 900 years old, and had seen more of the galaxy than I probably ever will, I am here to state unequivocally that in this one thing, this one little truth, Master Yoda was in fact… full of crap.

There is such a thing as ‘try’.

People in the motivation business, or in the ‘human’ business, or just in business have used and abused Yoda’s statement of “do… or do not… there is no try” since it was originally spoken back in ‘The Empire Strikes Back’.

I’ve had it quoted to me so many times that it’s tested my ability to remain calm and peaceful. Because when you get right down to it, trying is the most human thing we do.

Trying is what allows us to fail until we succeed.

If you know anything about the history of the humble Post-it note, you’ll know that the scientist who created the adhesive that is used in the Post-it note was actually trying to create a super strong adhesive that would be applied once and stay there for a really long time.

Instead, the scientist produced in adhesive that is a not very strong but can be applied many, many times.

Trying, with the ability to fail, led to something different that was incredibly successful.

As we collectively come out of a year that will probably live in infamy, many of us around the start of the year create resolutions, or decisions to “try” and achieve something.

Often it’s weight loss, or the cessation of a habit, or maybe it’s to create a new habit of something healthy, or fun, or personally developing. Most people will have broken their resolution within the first three weeks, and will often harbor feelings of self resentment and frustration at their supposed inability to maintain or refrain from a certain behavior.

I’m here to tell you that it’s perfectly okay to try, and fail.

Because some things just aren’t going to work for you. I once had the dream of playing the cello, and I rented a cello and spent two months realizing that my desire to play the cello was nowhere near strong enough to get me through the workload of actually learning it.

It didn’t change anything about me, it didn’t make a difference to my value as a person. I learned something about myself, I was able to pursue a course of action and then let it go.

If I had followed Master Yoda’s teaching to its usually abused concept, I would’ve wasted many, many hours of my life “learning the cello” when it turns out I didn’t want it that badly.

So whatever resolutions you may or may not have, this is me giving you permission (not that you need it) to try and fail. Have fun with it, find out new things about yourself, and rejoice in your ability to think, to try, to fail, to rise up, to overcome, or just to realize that it wasn’t that important.

Several years ago I had a coaching call with a lady who told me that she wanted to lose weight. Within about an hour we had worked out that she actually didn’t want to lose weight, it was just a remnant of some emotional patterns that her mom had instilled within her.

She didn’t need to lose weight, she didn’t want to lose weight, but she needed to make peace inside of herself with the little girl who still believed that her mom was right.

So maybe try making peace with the past this year, so that you can go into your future trying new things, unencumbered by the dogma and distress of teachings of the past. Find what works for you, and embrace that.

There’s nothing more joyful than an authentic you.

And to find that, you’re probably going to have to try a few things.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #555: A Distant Light on the Shortest Day

The sky was dark and foreboding as we drove eastwards. Although the roads we travelled were well known to us, it seemed to be a little more alien this morning. I could just see the first glimpse of a possible sunrise beginning to touch the sky, but the overall sense of darkness seemed more complete, more intrusive.

And yet out of the darkness, a distant light appeared.

It took me a while to understand what I was seeing, because it was in the middle of what looked like nowhere. Yet as I stared out into the darkness, I realized I was looking at a farm out in the midst of a few fields.

It seems that the family who owned the land had decided to string Christmas lights in a rather random formation around a tree that stood adjacent to the house.

For some reason, the light coming from the tree spoke to me.

As someone who really doesn’t like the darker months, the shortest day of the year for me is kind of a bittersweet moment.

I know that thankfully there will be more light every day now rising into the summer months, yet it also brings with it the knowledge that my two least favorite months of January and February are right around the corner.

Yet somehow, this one lit tree standing in the middle of the darkness seemed to protest, and reassure me that the light was still there, and that more would be coming.

After a busy day in practice, we climbed into our car, and headed home. Our evening commute is almost due west, and here in the Pacific Northwest that means you’re headed into the sunset.

On an evening with not a cloud in the sky, there was a wonderful gradient from the blue of night into the remnant orange of the evening.

And a strangely haunting silhouette of all that we could see.

For a few minutes, everything felt very quiet. There seemed to be an almost unearthly aspect to the calm in which we drove. I felt like we were chasing the last few moments of the light as we prepared to transition into the longest night.

Somehow it felt lonely, and as the light finally succumbed to the darkness, it seemed as though something sacred had passed into the next journey of its existence.

A transition that we had somehow become a part of, as we watched the darkness fall.

Yet as we crested over a hill, and were able to see out over a valley, there before us was the sight of hundreds of homes spread out across our view. The lights strung on the houses seemed to be a chorus of voices against the night, all joining their song together in a benevolent benediction.

Although the darkness that morning had seemed so complete, each voice in this soliloquy of illumination held back the darkness, and promised that the night would never be forever.

And something about that filled me with a timeless sense of joy.

I thought back to the traditions of so long ago, of the Yule log, and of candles, and of celebrating the light and the hope of its return.

For a moment I felt connected to all those across the millennia who have desired the return of the light, and of the banishing of the darkness, and I felt connected to their hope of a brighter tomorrow.

For in the midst of darkness, it is hope that lights our way forward.

Allowing us to see, and trust, and believe.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #554: It’s Always Messy on the Journey

“I don’t even know who I am anymore... It’s like I know I want to change, but I have no idea how to make that happen, or who I want to become... I just want to see the path before me, so I can know how far I have to go... I just feel lost – I don’t know where I am, or where I’m going’.

I could hear the sound of desperation in her voice. In a phase of life she would probably describe as ‘middle aged’, she was hurting, and she didn’t know why. A lifetime of trying to ‘be’ something so that she was worthy of love and admiration had left her feeling drained, and without a wellspring of comfort in her soul.

It’s almost as though there was no ‘her’ there to reference.

Just an accumulation of ‘shoulds’ and ‘needs’ that had overwhelmed any sense of joy and authenticity. Life had become a never ending repetition of days of sadness, followed by nights of fears.

Any meaning she took from her daily travails was never uplifting, and there was a weariness in her soul that went just about as far as anything could.

And now, part way through her journey, she had ‘lost sight of the shore in either direction’.

Because there’s this terrifying part in any deep and abiding soul journey that leaves you without a sense of where you were, and no idea of where you are going.

You know you can’t go back, because that way lies the twins burdens of sadness and despair, but you can’t see the ground in front of you promising at last a safe place to lay your head.

And it feels like all you do is flounder from day to week, month to year.

At times like this, it’s very easy to become discouraged, and step away from your journey for a while. Maybe it’s settling in a relationship that you know is wrong, or staying in a pattern of behavior that you know isn’t serving you anymore.

It becomes a battle between the weariness in your soul, and the desperate dreams that you still nurture in your desire.

But in reality, it’s honestly a part of the very messy, but very necessary process of change.

So when my friend looked to me for answers to her questions, a sense of peace for her soul, I had no great wisdom to ease her struggle, only the promise of my support, and any guidance I could offer her.

I reassured her that although the future looked foreboding right now, that she was actually doing the right things, and that her growth would inevitably come.

And somehow, just the offer of my presence and my caring seemed to be enough.

So many times I wish I could snap my fingers, and heal those who have reached out for help, but healing, be it physical, emotional or spiritual, takes time.

As individual as each of us are, so is our journey, and at some point we are all in that wilderness of the unanswered questions, when we have to trust in the journey, pick ourselves up, and struggle forwards.

Our eyes may be full of purpose or tears, our feet powerful or weary, our souls resolute or regretful. In those moments, you don’t find out what you’re ‘made of’, but instead take unto yourself the choice and the power of making yourself what you want to be.

A journey that lasts a long time, but that is essential to our souls.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #553: Warm

As a little kid, I used to love to go to sleep with a fan heater running in my bedroom. Part of it was the noise, because I love ‘white-noise’, but part of it was the feeling of being really warm.

It used to drive my Dad nuts when he would come into my bedroom and see how warm it was. He would often complain that it was like a sauna, to say nothing about his constant grumbling about the electricity bill.

But for me, warmth was comfort, and almost a sense of security.

And I've been focusing a lot more recently on things that bring me comfort. As we continue to struggle through this pandemic, with all the restrictions and risks involved in that, I find myself becoming more ‘closed-off’ from people, less inclined to reach out, more willing to allow myself to slip into ‘hermit mode’, where I could easily stay in my own little world and not talk to anyone (other than patients of course. )

Because the less comfortable I find my life, the less I am likely to venture out into it.

And let’s face it – this virus has made us all less comfortable around each other. I had to ask the wife of a new patient to sit in her car rather than the waiting room the other day because she had a slightly elevated fever.

I have had patients reschedule for symptoms that previously I would have ignored. Strangely, the world we live in has become less welcoming and more encroaching.

Which shows up in the way that we feel at peace in our day to day world.

So I’ve been trying to do the things that I know will give me a sense of comfort and safety day to day, so that I can find peace in my own little world right now. Starting with staying warm, and meditating under my weighted blanket.

Also paring down my diet to the things that I know are good for me, and trying to take more of a sense of meaning and purpose in my simple routines like stir-frying broccoli, or doing the laundry.

I've found that focusing more deeply on the ‘mundane’ helps me to see just how much of my life is still the same, and unaffected by the world outside.

And while I miss the personal interactions that used to give so much light and meaning to my day, I’m instead trying to find ways to bring a little increased comfort to anything and everything I do.

Making the decision to wear a jacket when I would have just dealt with the cold is a way I can conserve my emotional energy, and taking the scenic route on a drive rather than the fastest route reminds me that I can still find beauty in the world, even though it feel cold and bleak sometimes.

Even sometimes sitting quietly, and doing nothing.

Which is actually harder than it sounds, at least for me. Over the last 13+ years of running my own business I’ve become so used to doing 2 things that once that it seems strange now to sit and watch a show without simultaneously ironing, or reviewing x-rays, or fixing something.

I listen to podcasts while doing yard work, or working on cars, or re-modeling the bathroom, or driving to work.

So for me, stopping doing ‘anything’ is hard.

But I think especially now, with all that is going on in the world, taking the time to focus on feeling secure, and calm, and warm is the most important thing we can do. It’s easy to lose our sense of self and balance in the midst of the madness.

And in the end, it’s your sense of self that will see you through.

I'm curious... what are you doing for yourself this season?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #552: The Failure of My Good Advice

Several years ago I began coaching a woman who had been dealt a pretty tough hand of cards. As we worked through her struggles, we developed a mantra for her to try and live by, which was designed to snap her out of her stories and to keep her grounded in the present.

Based on some time-trusted principles, we crafted a simple yet perfect arrangement for her to focus on whenever she felt overwhelmed or embattled by all that life was throwing at her.

“I am, I am here, I am now”.

Although it’s only eight words, the power contained in that little phrase was incalculable. Beginning with the statement of ‘I am’, it positioned her to understand that she has intrinsic value just by being alive, and that she doesn’t have to be or do something in order to have value.

As someone who struggled to feel that she was enough, that was a sobering and yet powerful reminder.

One that most of us seem to need.

With ‘I am here’, we reminded her that in order to stay focused, she could remind herself of what she actually faced in her present environment. Not at any other place, but right where she was.

As someone who tended to interpret her present through situations that she was not currently experiencing, this was a reminder to ground herself in what was actually around her, so that she might focus on dealing with what was in front of her.

So that she could find herself powerfully present and aware.

With ‘I am now’ the goal was to anchor her in herself, rather than in the stories that she told herself from the past, or the fears and apprehensions she experienced when thinking about the future.

Understanding that she was ‘now’ would encourage her to experience her current moment without reference to anything other than what was actually happening, so that she might only have to live ‘this moment’ in reference to itself.

Which is hard to understand, and even harder to practice.

Yet in teaching her all these things, I realize now that the advice I gave her was incomplete. None of it was bad advice, yet I should have given one more step.

Because sometimes, no matter how much you try to stay focused and present in the now…. Now can really suck sometimes.

My error was not teaching her that sometimes, when ‘now’ feels like something you need to take a break from, it’s ok to imagine yourself somewhere and somewhen other than where you are.

Imagination can be a powerful bridge to a future where things are more enjoyable than they are today.

Earlier this evening, my sweet wife walked into my home office, and gently placed her forehead on the wall and released a sigh of exhaustion. Turning to me, she simply said “I am weary’, and I knew what she meant.

The pressure of trying to run a small business in the middle of a pandemic is tiring, especially when it’s business that you can’t really do from home.

So instead of focusing on the present, sometimes it’s necessary to draw our emotional strength from the future, in our belief that there will be better days ahead, and that once again the sun will shine, even though right now there seems to be so much darkness and confusion in the present.

When I find myself getting locked into an emotional focus that seems to suggest that there is no happiness in the world right now, I try to focus on what may be in the future, and draw my sense of happiness and joy from there.

Because that’s what hope really is – the belief that there is good to come.

And in that, I do believe.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #551: A Patchwork of Human Problems.

“I just feel like I’m such a mess” she said. “All of you seem like you are so smart, and have your lives together. I just feel like I’m so far behind I’ll never catch up”.

She was referring to a group that we are a part of, and while I can understand how she feels , the truth is that knowing a few of those people, the last way we would describe ourselves as would be ‘having our lives together’.

Life is messy, and real life even more so.

The idea that I have my life together is so far from the truth that it makes me shake my head. There are many things in my life that I am working to change, and some of them are going better than others. For example, right now, my garage is a disaster.

Our primary car is still not going to pass emissions even though we just spent over $1500 on it, and while the bathroom we have been remodeling is essentially functional, there are still things that need to be done before I am happy with it.

Very little of that feels ‘together’.

And yet, in a very human way, it really is. The longer I coach, the more people I talk too, I’m becoming convinced that the greatest lie we have to lay down is the expectation of things actually working out right.

I once heard a great man say that the only people who didn’t have problems were dead people, and that problems were a sign of life.

Just in the same way that failure is a sign of success.

What my friend above was really feeling was insecurity, along with a desire for certainty and in some way a sense of connection.

If you know my work, you’ll see that what I listed there are in one form or another 3 of our 6 basic human needs, although to use the word basic is like describing the electrons, neutrons and protons of our cells as basic.

Just as every atom is a combination of a few simple things, every human being I’ve ever met is really just an expression of those 6 human needs. Sure, they might be twisted in some very different combinations, but the essence of being human is to express those needs in the fabric of your life, and in the deliberations of your soul.

And once you understand how those needs mesh and merge, everyone becomes so transparent.

Because that's all we really are in our core, an expression of a few thoughts and ideas. Yes, they might come out differently in one person as opposed to another, but I can pretty much guarantee that if you and I were to sit down for a little while and talk, I can find in you the same needs as in me.

You might express them more eloquently in your persona, but in your core, you’re probably a lot like me, and I’m a lot like you.

Which is why coming to know yourself through self awareness is the greatest way to understand others.

Once you’ve dived deep enough into your core, you’ll find that other people begin to resonate. You’ll see their actions in your actions, your words and thoughts in theirs.

Then you’ll reach that heart stopping moment where you realize that they are just like you, and you are just like them. When you come to that moment, you’ll see them for the very first time, and wonder at them, and also at you.

Because although we are all patchworks of the same problems, we are also all works of art from the same brushes, the same materials, the same needs and loves.

And once you understand how very connected we all are, you can start forgiving and loving them in the way that you need to forgive and love yourself.

Because the beauty of any patchwork is how a new piece can always be blended in, to make the whole even more than it was before.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #550: Maybe/Maybe Not

There’s a classic old Zen story of a farmer who has a son, and a cow. One day the cow breaks its leg, and all the Farmer’s neighbors come around to offer sympathy, saying how unfortunate it is that the cow broke it’s leg, to which the Farmer replied ‘maybe, maybe not’.

Shortly thereafter, the Emperor’s troops come around looking for cattle, and seeing that the cow has a broken leg, they leave it with the Farmer.

His neighbors all congratulate him on his luck of not having his cow taken, to which he replies… ‘maybe/maybe not’.

A short time after, the cow stumbles into his son, breaking his son’s leg, and the farmer has to take on his son’s duties. The neighbors, unable to comprehend the misfortune of the farmer come around to share their sympathies, and tell him how unlucky he is, to which he simply replies ‘maybe/maybe not’.

Marveling at his attitude, his neighbors walk away, shaking their heads in amazement.

Until the Emperor’s troops come looking for conscripts.

Seeing that the Farmer’s son has a broken leg, they realize that he will not be able to keep up the pace on their march, so they leave him with his Father. Once again, the Farmer’s neighbors come to share in their amazement at how lucky the Farmer is to not lose his son.

Again, despite the protestations of his neighbors that he was very lucky, the farmer continued with his attitude of ‘maybe/maybe not’.

Because he had no way of knowing what the future would bring.

Many of us seem determined to try to predict the future in the way that we observe and draw meaning from the events of the present.

I have been struggling with this a lot while writing this because our faithful SUV is currently sitting in our mechanic's garage, as he struggles to find the cause of the check engine light that refuses to go out, despite all the money and effort I have put into it.

With every question that he texts me, I have to remember the attitude of ‘maybe/maybe not’.

It’s so easy to get dragged into a thought process of worry, concerned about how much it will cost, and if it is even with repairing anymore. While the idea of a new car is exciting, it is also stressful, as finding the right vehicle leads to purchasing, leads to expenses and possible future problems. I find myself being drawn into a thought spiral that does not excite me.

Yet for all I know this could be a cheap repair, or it could lead to a wonderful purchase of a car that is perfect for us. I have no way of knowing, but I have many ways of worrying. 

Whenever I find myself struggling with the attitude of maybe/maybe not, I try to remember that it is really an opportunity to examine the emotions that are pulling my thoughts in a different direction.

As usual, given my upbringing, there are thoughts of scarcity and doubt, the fear of making a mistake and of regretting a choice in the future.

Yet in truth, I have no way of knowing how this all works out.

My worries and my fears are clouding my judgment, making me afraid of what could be, rather than excited about what might possibly be.

The attitude of maybe/maybe not is not a refuge from the storm, but rather reward for the courage it takes to trust not necessarily in the future, but in your own ability to be okay with whatever the future will bring.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #549: A Sense of Who You Are

A Sense of Who You Are

If you’ve ever met someone like this, you might not have known what it was, but you knew something was different.

Maybe it was the way that they stayed on purpose when everyone else was swayed to and fro by the opinion of others, or maybe it was that look in their eye that told you they knew where they were going, what they were doing, and most importantly, why they were doing it.

They probably stood out, because they are unlike most people in the crowd.

That’s not to say they are the easiest person to be around. The person with a stronger sense of themselves is often someone who doesn’t need the good opinion of others, so they stand out because they are willing to share their opinions openly.

That’s not to say they are unkind, but they can seem outspoken, creating the envy and jealousy of those who wish they could be so bold, when in fact they are being nothing of the sort – they are just being themselves.

But that kind of authenticity can be difficult, if you are the kind of person who doesn’t have a strong enough sense of self.

Which isn’t to say that it’s your fault, because most likely it isn’t. So many of us were taught as children that we needed to stay ‘within the pack, not stand out, don’t be different’.

Although we might have wanted to shine, we were taught to ‘not get ideas’ and to ‘be respectful’, never asking the difficult questions. Worst of all, we were taught that to believe we were special was to put ourselves above others, not realizing that everyone is special, and that different does not mean less or more, it’s just different.

And that your value is incredible, just like everyone else’s.

Yet we live in a world where we are taught that we are never going to be enough. From the cars we drive to the places we live, from the clothes we wear to the money we make; our society is determined to make us feel less in one way or another, and to take from you that powerful spark of being your own person, knowing your own worth, and have a stronger sense of yourself.

Because once you know who you are, the rest of the world ceases to have such control over you.

Of course that doesn’t mean that you don’t follow the rules, but it means you are no longer afraid of the opinions of others. As you become more secure in who you are, you find that you need less, and can do more.

Obstacles which seemed impervious now are just questions to be solved. Suddenly your vision shifts from that is in front of you to that which is before you, knowing where you want to go, and feeling in your soul that it is where you are going to be.

And that kind of determination can be difficult for those who do not share your strength, nor your vision.

Which is ok, because the stronger you become in yourself, the less their opinions will affect you, and the less they can hurt you.

When someone can no longer influence you, you can be at peace in their presence, no matter what they feel about you. You can extend to them mercy and understanding, even though they may never understand why you do.

Because true inner strength brings peace, and peace is the absence of fear.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #548: The Not so Good, Pretty Bad Day

The Not so Good, Pretty Bad Day.

Do you ever have one of the those times where it just seems like nothing is going right? I’ve been fighting with multiple problems over the last while, and it just seems like I can’t make headway on any of them.

From a bathroom remodel to a kitchen drain that blocks, from a check engine light to a computer that locks. These are all usually things that I can handle, but right now, no matter what I do, I can’t seem to solve the problems.

And honestly, it’s starting to wear me down.

We had another time like this 4 years ago, when both of our vehicles were broken, and I was working 60-70 hour weeks running a large Chiropractic practice mostly by myself. Then, as like now, it just felt like nothing I did was enough, and every tried solution just came up short. Time rolled by, and everything seemed to be piling up on top of us.

But there is a significant difference this time around.

Because even though I am more tired, what with running my own business and trying to function during a pandemic, I’m not falling into the same emotional traps like I was back then.

If you had talked to me during the late summer and fall of 2016, I would have told you that it was all my fault, and you would have seen me constantly beating myself up emotionally for all my weaknesses and failings.

Which was actually prolonging the issues, as it took from me the vital emotional energy that I needed to stay upbeat and focused.

That isn’t to say that I don’t have those thoughts running through my head right now… because they are still there. The difference is that I’m aware of them, and I have answers for them.

So even though I can’t seem to get Facebook to run ads for my writing, or even though my beloved Buick won’t keep me warm while I’m driving it, I’m working on keeping my head in the right place…

Which is out of my negative emotions, and away from the critical thoughts.

Oh sure, I still get to hear my brain tell me that I’m useless because I can’t fix the check engine light, but I know that’s just the remnant reactions of a traumatic childhood that was full of opportunities to feel 'less'.

Yes, every little drop coming from under the sink in the bathroom remodel could be mocking my pitiful plumbing skills, but I keep telling them that I’m learning and growing with every attempt at fixing these leaks.

Because I've learned to stop judging myself as imperfect, and instead focusing on the problem, not the ‘so-called’ meanings that I’ve taken from them all my life.

Please don’t get me wrong, it’s not a panacea. I still have my moments, but they are fewer in number, and further apart. The less I care about the opinions of others, or of my damaged and critical self, the more I can focus on becoming who I want to be. I still have a long way to go in my becoming, and there are many things I still have yet to learn.

But learning to give myself grace has been the greatest lesson of all.

As you can probably understand, that is not an easy lesson to learn, and there have been many conversations, and just as many commiserations.

But I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that the work of becoming who you want to be is the most valuable, and the most rewarding endeavor upon which you will ever embark.

You'll never be the same again, and you'll come out of the other side of that journey knowing who you are, and more importantly, liking the person you are becoming.

I wish that for you, today, and forever.

Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #547: Dysauthentesia

Dysauthentesia

‘The discomfort in your soul when you are acting in opposition to who you really are’

I know – it’s not a word you recognize… but I’m pretty sure that when you read the definition, something in you resonated. Maybe it was that time you let someone’s opinion over-rule yours, even though you knew yours was right.

Or maybe it was the time you didn’t call someone on something that you knew was untrue, knowing that to do so would start a fight you weren’t able to face at that time.

Or maybe it was the day you made a choice that you didn’t want to, letting their feelings be more important than your own.

Every word starts its life as a moment of inspiration, and this one is no different. I’ve been trying for the longest time to find one word to describe what I see as the biggest problem I help people with when coaching.

Because despite there being many situations, and even more variations, most of them come down to the same few problems, the same deep and abiding issues.

But I hadn’t comes across a word that summed this one up, until I made the word up myself.

Because I‘ve seen time and time again that when we act in a way that is inauthentic, we’re sacrificing a little piece of our soul. Sometimes there is a good reason, and it’s ok to take the hit, but most of the time the only reason we’re doing it is because where we are, and who we are with, is not a place where we can be completely who we are.

And so we start to lie to others, but most of all to ourselves.

Because it’s demeaning to our own sense of value to be someone other than who we really are. It’s like we’re saying that who we are is not good enough, or not strong enough, to be allowed to be seen in this situation, or in this way.

The longer you tell yourself that you are not valuable enough to be authentic, you’ll start to believe that lie, until it becomes a part of you.

And then Dysauthentesia kicks in.

It manifests in many different ways. It can create depression and anxiety, or sadness and melancholy. For many, it’s that subconscious nagging sensation that things are not right, and that you are silently crying on the inside, desperate to be real to who you are and what you know.

Eventually left long enough, Dysauthentesia will rob you of your happiness and your sense of self.

The days will seem long, and filled with shadow.

The truly scary thing about this condition is that sometimes we believe that we are acting in complete authenticity, not realizing that the programming of our childhood or our history has caused us to believe or accept things which on the surface seem so right, but deep inside are not in full congruency with our soul.

These are the actions and beliefs that silently rob us of our happiness; supposedly bringing joy while only delivering sadness.

And the only real cure, is to learn to be yourself.

Becoming ‘Authentically You’ isn’t easy, and it takes some time. Learning to recognize your reactions, your thoughts and your fears can be breathtaking, and also heartbreaking.

But once you find out who you are deep down in your soul, and make the decision to be who you are, peace will find you, and joy will surround you.

Because who you are is not only enough, but it’s wonderful.

Just be you, and the universe will follow.

(And yes I just Googled Dysauthentesia, and Google has no history of the word, so I literally just invented it and purchased the .com domain for it.)

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #546: We've Already Lost

We’ve already lost.

I’m writing this on November 3rd 2020. The time is around 12:30pm Mountain – so the election is in process.

Despite the polling, despite all the attempts to sway people’s opinions, despite all the arguments and anger that have polluted our national discourse for the past 20+ years, I am going to predict the outcome right now.

We’ve already lost.

And by we, I mean the people of the country that I adopted as my home. Not that one candidate or another has lost… I have a theory as to what is going to happen, but I honestly have no better idea than anyone else… but we as a nation have lost our sense of cohesion and togetherness that has defined us so greatly in our past; but sadly not at this moment, and not for the foreseeable future.

In short, we’ve lost our way.

As a nation we have divorced kindness in favor of vitriol, anger and hatred. I’m not going to assign blame, because there are players at the highest level, and there are everyday people we know.

Sometimes as a Doctor I have to diagnose the problem in the absence of cause, and in matters such as this, assigning blame is probably going to prolong the problem, because blame creates an enemy, and right now we need a lot less of those in our vision.

We need to be finding friends, and building communities.

Because although we are blessed with greater highways of communication than ever before, we have turned these into philosophical avenues of mirror, cul-de-sacs of a closed compassion where only the people on the same side of the road as us are worthy of the kindness and consideration that we should extend to all.

In one of my very favorite books that I read at least once a year is the chillingly prophetic line that I am afraid may be more true now than it ever has been before…

“Each revolution carries within it the seeds of its own destruction”.

The American Revolutionary War began in 1775, and like every revolution before it, there were winners and there were losers.

In less than one hundred years, the winners of that revolution had fractured and splintered into two, and fought another war, and now only 150 years later are conceptually on the precipice of another, philosophically if not physically (although that is possible too) .

Humanity, it seems, is still working through its ingrained nature of flaws.

So as we stare down the barrel of this potential nightmare, it’s incredibly easy to fall into the chasm of comparison, blaming whoever you perceive as your enemy for all of the problems that you see.

I’m not going to talk about who has the greater flaws, because there are enough on either side for those willing to see. I’m not even going to ask you today to vote, I’m hoping you have done that already.

Instead, I’m going to ask you to do something even more patriotic, and maybe even more American.

I’m going to ask you to care.

Because somewhere out there is going to be someone who is unhappy, and maybe even scared by the outcome of today’s contest of ideas and principles, failures and flaws. Given the levels of anger we’ve already seen, I’m guessing there’s someone that you know who could use a kind word, and possibly a friend to talk to.

Maybe all they need to is hear from someone who they consider as their enemy, so that they can realize that the world isn’t ending, and that life, and our communities, will go on.

And that peace is still possible, and very much preferable, to its alternative.

To quote the wonderful Samwise Gamgee, the beloved gardener in Lord of the Rings, “there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it's worth fighting for”.

The way we fight for good in the middle of what feels like a war is not by resorting to weapons, but by resonating the way of peace in our actions and in our conversations.

Especially to those who esteem us as their enemy.

So today, and tomorrow, and the days to come after those, may we be found among the peacemakers, and my we find within ourselves the courage and the kindness to reach out and connect with someone who may be hurting.

And may we find our way back to peace together.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 545: A Fault in the Foundation

A Fault in the Foundation.

If I were to ask you to define the core of your being, what would you tell me? Would I hear about your family, or your faith? Would you tell me tales of your experiences as a child, or of your heartbreaks as an adult?

Would you recognize your troubles, or would you gloss over all your faults? Would you have any clue about who you are at the very center of your soul?

If not, may I suggest that you need to start doing so now.

I’m not going to lie to you – it’s a difficult process. Coming to a deep self awareness is one of the hardest things we’ll ever do in our lives. To focus inwards and coming to know ourselves is a process that takes time, trials and tears.

It is never easy, but there is nothing more valuable of which I am aware. Truly knowing ourselves is the hardest thing we’ll ever do.

Because it forces us to confront all of our faults, and all of our fears.

Occasionally I’ll meet someone who suffers from what I have come to term as a ‘broken foundation’ – meaning that somewhere deep inside of their soul there is a problem that causes them to act in ways that are destructive to themselves and those around them.

What never fails to astound and sadden me is how completely unaware they usually are of the damage they are causing to others, and also to themselves.

Like children, they rant and they rave, throwing tantrums into the world in a desperate attempt to gain attention, and try to make themselves feel better. If it works, it’s only for a short while before yet again they find something that makes them angry, and off they go again.

And yet most of us, in some way, have an area of our Foundation that we don’t want to inspect too closely, and very often it’s around the concept of our worth.

I spoke today with an inspiring group of women who are all on journeys of their own, trying to work through the struggles in their minds that have caused them to make choices that have not brought them to where they would like to be.

Yet as we went below the surface of their concerns, I can tell you that a couple of them have no idea why they even want to ‘be’ where they think will make them happy.

They are just trying to find a way out of feeling what they feel right now, but what they think will make them happy won’t… it will just leave them more confused.

Because as I wrote recently, ‘you’ll never be able to make right what is wrong’, and the wounds these particular women carry are so subtle, and yet so damaging, that they are trying to find a pathway to a place where they will feel how they desperately want to feel, not realizing that when they arrive at that imagined destination, it will not heal the damage in their soul.

Because what they seek is only to be found inside of themselves.

Yet how can you heal when you don’t even realize you’ve been hurt? In my coaching work, I have helped people come to that deeper knowledge of themselves, and enabled them to find the truths inside of themselves that have set them free from that which has hurt them for so long.

In doing so they’ve been able to change the way they live, and it’s helped them find a sense of peace which helps them live authentically, and love more deeply.

And now I’d like to offer that to you, if you’re interested.

In about two weeks I’m going to try something different, and to be honest I’m a little nervous about it. I’m going to start a group coaching program, based around a lot of the concepts I’ve talked about in this work, and some frameworks that I’ve generated over the past few years.

I know it works one to one, but now I want to see if I can make it work in a way that helps more people in a shorter period of time.

If you’re interested in learning more about this, please use the message button below. There is no charge for being a part of the program, other than I would ask for your honest feedback, and possibly a testimonial at the end if you feel like it has helped you.

Thank you again for your continued support of this work. It means more to me than I can say that you have been so kind with your comments and your willingness to listen to the things I have to say. If you’re interested, message me and we’ll see what we can work out.

It’s still very ‘Beta’, so maybe you’ll get to see me completely flustered a couple of times, but I promise that I will bring my best intentions and anything of value that I know, and we’ll see where we can go together.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings