Morning Reflection # 604: Sorry as a Sign of Suffering

As she opened the door, the cold wind blew in a couple of leaves. The darkness still outside paid tribute to the fact that I was in the office a little earlier than usual, and her demeanor as she stepped over the threshold told me everything I needed to know.

Her shoulders were slightly slumped forwards, her head kind of down, and she hadn’t even closed the door behind her before she uttered her first of many apologies over the next 15 minutes or so.

“I’m so sorry you are here on your morning off”.

Which was strange when you think about it, because it wasn’t like she had forced me to be here. Yes, normally I would have been still at home that morning, but another appointment meant I was going to be in the area, and so getting there a little early really wasn’t that big of an inconvenience for me. In scheduling her appointment it was made clear to her that I was happy to accommodate her.

So a simple ‘thank you’ should have been all that she felt was necessary.

But it wasn’t. Over the next few minutes she had apologized probably 10 times or more, in different ways. I could tell that she felt really bad about me being there, and seemed to be doing her best to communicate how she felt, almost as though she was afraid I would be angry, or hold it against her in some way.

Although I tried to reassure her that I wouldn’t have been here this morning if it wasn’t something that I was ok with, I sadly think that my words could not penetrate the depths of her trauma so that she would have been able to hear me. I use the word trauma very specifically, because it’s the only think I know that creates this kind of a pattern in people.

The desperate need to apologize when it is not necessary is one of the surest scars of trauma that I know.

I have seen this so many times that it saddens me, where someone cannot stop feeling a sense of guilt, almost for just existing! In my experience, this occurs most often when a child grows up with a parent who has deeply unmet needs, and who inadvertently becomes over-sensitive about anything that can be taken as an insult, or an offense.

With no deliberate intention, they cultivate the constant reassurance of others to meet the needs that have not been met thus far.

So instead of a simple apology, where the adult focuses the child on their inherent goodness rather than a mistake that they made, the child instead learns that they need to constantly apologize so as to finally been seen as being truly repentant. The adult may rationalize this behavior in many different ways, but at the heart of the situation, there is always the same constant.

The adult is focusing on themselves, and not on the chance to help the child.

I wish I could tell you that this only occurs in the parent and child relationship, but that wouldn’t be true. I’ve seen this in marriages, in business, in sports… in just about every relationship in life. When I find someone who apologizes more often and more deeply than the situation would require, I can usually see the other markers that show me the sadness and the suffering they have gone through.

Because being around someone who needs your apologies is the surest way to know that you have lost touch with your own sense of self.

Someday we’ll discuss why even requiring an apology is a sign of its own problem, but for today, I’m just going to ask you to see if you can find that person in your life who apologizes more than is necessary, and do something for them that can change their life in a profound way.

And maybe it will change your life as well.

When they continue to apologize well beyond what the circumstances could require, I want you to stop them in the middle of an apology, and quietly tell them that their last apology was enough. If you get a chance, tell them how much they mean to you, and reassure them that with you, if there is ever a need for an apology, that one, and only one, is more than enough.

That you know their heart, you know they are sincere, and that such a thing need only be stated once.

As first, it will probably make them somewhat uncomfortable, as they realize that their behavior has brought them your notice, but if you follow up this moment with kindness, reassurance and genuine honesty, you can help them see their own worth and their own innate goodness. My guess is that they have lost touch with that since the time of their trauma.

In doing so, you may be a part of their healing, and help them find a greater sense of peace and happiness.

And maybe find a greater sense of your own.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #603: Time & Space Enough To Heal

(and yes, my wife gave me permission to post this)

It came out of nowhere. We’d just arrived back to the house on the Oregon coast that we had rented for the weekend, and it looked like we were going to spend the rest of the afternoon sitting quietly, listening to the waves and taking it easy. Little did I know that things were going to go very differently.

Because suddenly my wife Holly was standing in the kitchen, with her hand on the counter, and her eyes filling with tears. She was obviously processing something that was very hard for her.

It kind of shocked me, because I am usually acutely aware of her feelings, and I’d had no sensation that there was anything wrong. We’d just gone out to pick up a few groceries, and other than having to leave a drive through because it was way too slow, everything seemed fine. Yet something had happened in the grocery store that led to a breakthrough of significant proportions.

And it all goes back to a change I made several years ago.

In 2016, I changed my way of eating to a somewhat restricted system of food intake, which sounds a little crazy until I tell you that I lost 145lbs in 18 months. While Holly was really happy for my change, we both realized it was going to be a struggle for her, as baking and cooking are her primary transmission love languages, and since I was no longer eating carbohydrates, a lot of her favorite foods were now off the table for me.

Believe me when I tell you this has been a struggle for us.

Since I changed my way of eating, I pretty much take care of my own food preparation and cleanup most of the time, and have tried to get her to eat what she likes and wants. I've encouraged her to cook different meals for herself and our sons, offered to cook for her myself or go and get take out no matter what the time of the day.

There were times where I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t.

In all the years that we’ve dealt with this, she has been really reluctant to have her own ‘food life’, and I sometimes felt like it was her way of expressing frustration with my choices, and that she was subconsciously hoping that things would change.

Yeah – it turns out it I was absolutely, totally and completely wrong about that.

Because while we were out getting food before returning back to our rented beach home, she was walking down a Safeway grocery aisle trying to find something for herself for dinner and she just gave up. She figured that since I was going to be eating chicken salad, she would just default to that, even though she really didn’t want it. Yet something inside of her, that has controlled her for a very long time, kept telling her the same story.

“You’re not enough, you shouldn’t make an effort for yourself, you’re not special enough to make it worth doing, you should just go along and not be a problem to yourself or anyone else”.

And as she stood there in tears, and in a very certain amount of rage in that kitchen in our getaway home on the ocean, she realized for the very first time that it was that voice in her head that was holding her back, and that that she had been worth the effort all along.

At that moment, the realization of all she denied herself crashed down upon her.

I think a little back story here will help. Holly was raised in what I’m going to politely call a ‘high demand religion’. While her home was loving and safe, and her parents are wonderful people, from the moment of her birth her life plan was essentially mapped out for her. There were instructions on what she could and could not wear, what she could and could not consume.

Entertainment was along a strictly proscribed route, dating activities were expressly controlled, and she was subconsciously taught that her value as a human being was tightly bound to her thoughts, and her behaviors/worthiness. It was also taught to her in actions by the leaders of that faith (although not directly expressed in words) that she, as a woman, was always going to be a second class citizen, and that no matter how hard she tried, she was never going to be enough.

Although she has left behind the faith she was born into, that teaching had stuck with her, so that even the idea of taking the time to make her own meal was wrong, because she wasn’t worth the effort.

I always knew that self worth was an issue for her, but I had never put it all together.

So as she stood there in that kitchen, tears pouring out of her eyes, and even stamping her foot a little, she laid it out for me. All the years that she had stopped cooking, and defaulted to ‘whatever is easiest’, was never about her frustration over my way of eating, but rather the culmination of 50+ years of being made to feel like she was not worth the effort of herself, or anyone else.

And the realization of that was incredibly painful for both of us.

It would have been easy for me to have taken what she was saying personally, because like all of us during a moment of emotional pain, Holly wasn’t exactly at her most eloquent and careful with her choice of words. Even her body language could have been misinterpreted as an expression of frustration with me, but thankfully, I know that she is way too kind to feel that way.

I could feel the intention of her expression, and knew that right then was a time for me to allow her the space to have this experience. That’s actually hard for me, because whenever she is hurting, my instinct is always to try to comfort her, and ease her pain. But in that moment, any attempt by me, however well intentioned, would have been insulting.

I needed to allow her own experience, and to support her how she wanted, rather than how I wanted.

The rest of the afternoon was spent going shopping for something she wanted to eat (lobster Ravioli in Alfredo sauce), holding hands, gently talking and sharing a very special moment together. Like all of us, Holly has her own pathway to walk, and I’m learning to let her walk it in her own way.

Because no matter how good my intentions may be, I need to let her have her own experience, and support her where I can, but only at her request.

Needless to say, we will be going back to the ocean again. I think with enough time and space there, the both of us can heal together.

May you find you healing space, and time enough to be there.

So that we may all find out road to peace.

Together, always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #602: The Space Between Intention and Experience

I call it a space, but honestly, that’s probably not the best way to describe it. Sometimes it can be a tiny crack, and sometimes we’re talking Grand Canyon levels of problems. It can be the resting home of the best you had to offer, and the graveyard of all you dared to hope. But when you finally realize that you can’t control it anymore than you can control yourself, you’ll start to really learn the lesson.

That the space between intention and experience is never going to be the way you want it.

I have an elderly patient who grew up with 6 siblings. If you were to sit them down and have them write out what they felt like their upbringing was like… the answers will divide into two different camps. One will detail something that sounds amazing, the other not so much. The 4-3 split will tell you that the experiences were similar enough within those camps to have some validity, but the experiences themselves will be almost diametrically opposed.

Yet the intention of their parents was the same in each occasion.

‘So you’re telling me that I can’t guarantee that what I intend will happen’ I hear you cry, and even as you ask me the question, I have a pretty good idea that you already know the answer. Sure, you can use your best intentions combined with all your resources and influence, and still end up with someone having an experience that does not match up to what you intended.

Because even if you control the experience, you cannot control the meaning that they take from it.

One of the principles that I teach is to try to have yourself squared away enough that you have the minimal amount of need possible in any situation. It sounds difficult, and believe me it can be, but life has proven time and time again that the person who needs the least from any circumstance is the person who can walk away when necessary, or allow the situation to evolve organically if they choose to stay.

And that is especially important when allowing someone the space to have their own experience that is counter to what you intended.

To give you an example of this, let me share with you something that I expect to happen. If you ask either of my kids right now, they will both tell you that I am an amazing dad, and that they had a wonderful childhood. While I am grateful to hear that, I also recognize that they have limited experience, and have not yet seen all the things in their lives that I could have done better.

And one day, I expect them to tell me what those could have been.

Which will lead to me to a choice, yet it’s one that I have already made. Because in that day, when they express to me a realization that I could have been better, my answer will be a resounding ‘Yes, and I’m sorry that I wasn’t’. No argument, no equivocation. Whether or not I completely agree with them, I will not demean their experience, and will allow them to tell me what they think.

And in that agreement space, we will likely discuss the truth of it together, and probably find a meaning that we are both comfortable with.

Because even with the best of intentions, we cannot and should not control the meaning that someone else takes from any experience they have. If you remember nothing else from today’s post, remember this… their experience of any event gets combined with the meaning they assign to it, and their choice of meaning is beyond your control, and always should be.

The less you need from any encounter, the more space you are able to give everyone to have their own experience and assign their own meanings.

In fact, I can think of nothing more respectful to another human being than to allow them the space to experience life as they choose to. The less judgment (which comes from unfulfilled need) you carry into any situation, the greater space you give them, and the more people will come to you and be willing to listen to your opinion.

And when they listen to you, you can help them find their own questions for their own journey.

If this all sounds difficult, believe me, I understand. On Friday I’m going to share with you a recent experience that hopefully will put this into a little better perspective, and let you see how being able to hold space for someone’s experience can serve both you and them in ways that nothing else can.

Until then, may you continue to find peace and balance in your life.

Today, and always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 601: 601

If you had told me almost 5 years ago that one day I would be writing the 601st piece of this work, I doubt I would have believed you. The first few pieces I wrote weren’t shared under the Morning Reflections account, but just shared to my own personal page. I had written a few longer form pieces before, but when I started writing this work, I had only a vague idea of what I was doing.

Actually, it was probably a lot less than vague, like almost nonexistent.

In the first almost 2 years, I wrote 5 pieces a week, then life dealt me a significant curveball, and I dropped way back. In the 3 years that have followed, I was inconsistent, just putting up pieces here and there. I didn’t know why I was still writing, and for a time even though I had stopped. Yet here we are, at piece number 601, and I feel like the work is beginning anew.

I guess I tell you this in the hope that you will understand that real life is messy, and organic.

Which, given the fact that I am someone with a high certainty need, doesn’t feel good to me. I like detailed plans, clear objectives, and pathways with minimal options for failure and defeat. So I think it’s kind of ironic that what I consider to be probably the most important and meaningful contribution I've made to the world (so far) has actually been messy, and disjointed.

I think there’s a lesson there for me, if I’m willing to receive it.

Because the biggest things in your life are usually organic, disjointed and messy. Sometimes it’s hard to see the future, and to have a clear plan. When I emigrated to this country to marry my wife, the only thing I knew for sure was that I wanted to be with her. I left behind a family, a potential career and an entire country and history to start a new life with her.

I didn’t know every step, I just knew what I wanted the outcome to be (us together).

Likewise, when I started this work, I didn’t really know what it was going to look like, I just wanted to write things to help people makes sense of this thing we call life. I don’t know why I felt like I had anything worth saying at the time, although I've always known I’m one of those people who see the world differently to most people, and sometimes that perspective has helped.

And even now, 600 pieces later, I’m still struggling to figure out exactly how this all comes together.

Yet I am getting clearer about the goal, or the ‘Why’ of this work. Quite simply, it’s about you. The person who reads this work, who sometimes shares a comment, or sends me a message when something I've written touches a chord. It’s even for the person who comes across one piece, shared by a friend, and who never reads another word I've written again.

Each of you, individually and as a group, matter to me.

I've seen enough of life to know that it can be short, painful, cruel and merciless. I've also seen where it can be beautiful, meaningful, loving and gentle. Life itself is an incredible opportunity, and yet I’ve seen it be difficult and hard.

There is always a little dark in the light, and a little light in the dark.

Which is why we all need a friend who can help us see things from a different perspective. When I titled this work Morning Reflections almost 5 years ago, I had no idea that what I was describing was how this work would come to serve – by reflecting light from a different source, so that you can see yourself differently.

As I have written before – if you could see yourself the way I see you, I think you would love yourself more, and care for yourself better.

So as I write this post, I realize that if I’m going to reach more people, and help in the way that I want to, I’m going to have to up my game. It’s probably a book, maybe a podcast, or even one day a YouTube channel. It probably means adding social media channels such as Instagram. It definitely means letting go of a lot of my fears about how I will be received, and just staying focused on how I can help you better.

In the end, it’s got to be about you.

Because you are worth it.

Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #600: “What’s Holding You Back?”

There’s this thing I need to do. If I don’t, I’ll regret it more than I can imagine. The people who know me can’t understand why I’m not doing it already. It’s a combination of something I’m good at, something the world needs, something I love to do, and something I can be paid for.

In Japan, they call this concept ‘Ikigai’, and when you find the intersection of those four things, they say you’ve found the thing that’s going to make you happy.

Sounds good right?

And honestly, I want to do it. I’ve done it before at a much smaller level, and when I’m doing it, it’s like finding the river of purpose, and surfing it just hard as I can. It makes me feel like I've won the lottery of life, and it helps people, it helps them a lot. It opens up a gift inside of me, and using that gift brings me more joy and happiness than almost anything else in the world.

It makes no sense as to why I’m not doing it.

So I've thought long and hard about why I’m not doing it, and to tell you the truth, it comes down to one simple word; one human concept that you can probably identify with, and may have experienced from time to time.

Fear. Nothing more complicated than that.

Because doing this thing would force me out of my comfort zone – by a long way. Not that it would require me to do things that are uncomfortable – far from it. Almost everything it would require is something that I can do relatively easily, and most of the time something that I honestly really enjoy. But there’s one concept that it would need that I don’t feel comfortable with at all…

I know I have the ability, but I don’t know if I have the right.

Which sounds really crazy to me, even though I’m the one thinking it. Because in reality there’s no one who can give me “that right” and nobody can stop me from doing this thing. Yet I struggle so hard with the idea that I am the kind of person who should do it, and yet when I think about my motives, the way I can do it, and have done it, and the way I honestly care about people, there’s no reason as to why I shouldn’t.

But the fear is still there.

And there are some times when it’s almost paralyzing, and it’s taken me a long while to realize why it affects me so much. This next part might sound kind of crazy, so feel free to roll your eyeballs, but here goes.

I think part of the reason that I’m scared is because deep down, I feel like I was born to do it, and if I try and it doesn’t work out, there’s a part of me that’s afraid of what that will say about me.

And yes, I did just put up a piece two days ago that told you how you are enough just by being I do recognize the hypocrisy and the irony of that.

But I think part of the fear here comes from the concern for how I would question all of my instincts if I turned out to be wrong. After all, a lot of the time our unconscious instincts are the building blocks upon which we build our understanding of reality in the world, and if it turned out that I was merely letting my desires and hopes influence my opinions… that would be kind of hard for me to live with.

Am I crazy, or do you ever struggle with things like this?

I listened to a podcast recently where a guy who I’ve come to respect quite a lot was having a very deep conversation with a good friend of his. The friend was trying to work out why he hadn’t done a certain thing yet, and the guy who I respect told his friend something that really resonated with me. The quote was small, but the ramifications were profound.

“You just haven’t decided to step into your destiny yet”.

As I sit here just after midnight on Friday morning, staring at the screen with my fingers on the keyboard, I find myself questioning if this really is my destiny, or if “my ego is writing checks that my skill set can’t cash” I question if I have the right to do this, and yet I can’t think of good reason why shouldn’t.

Have you ever faced a moment like this, and if so how did you handle it? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

Thank you for being here, and thank you for sharing this crazy journey with me.

It means so much to me that you are reading and listening.

May you find peace today and always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #599: Letting Go of the Labels You Love or Hate

How do you describe yourself… are you kind or broken; difficult or desirable. Do you think of yourself as how you look, how you behave, what you believe, or how much money you make?

Have you even decided, in a moment of guilt and shame, to describe yourself by way of your supposed ‘weaknesses’, and branded your soul with a searing indictment that you probably don’t deserve?

Human beings love labels, and almost all of them are complete crap.

On an early morning drive to work yesterday, when the fog was laying a blanket over the wet roads and fields, I listened to a podcast of a new friend of mine. She is a brilliant human being, who is set on making a difference in the world.

Yet as she talked about a recent experience, she couldn’t help but describe herself with many different labels, but especially as an introvert.

How immediately she limits herself with that one word.

Because the truth is that once we have created a label for ourselves, we have immediately defined ourselves not only as we believe we are, but what we are not.

I grew up in pretty humble circumstances, and I still remember walking home with a friend when he asked me a question that still haunts me to this day. I don’t think he meant anything by it, but childhood curiosity is often partnered with a lack of understanding of how words can hurt and scar.

His simple and honest question left a mark that I still struggle with emotionally…

“Why is your family poor?”

Although the circumstances in which I live now are different from the ones I grew up with, I still, in the recesses of my mind that hide from the light and truth of reason, think of myself as poor.

As with most of the labels we carry, there is an emotion connected to it, a value judgment as to the worth of my soul, and this one is shame.

Even though I know it to be false, in my unguarded moments I still feel it to be true, and suffer the pain of that moment from so long ago once again.

In my work with people, in our attempts to help them find peace, we often delve deeply into the labels that they carry wrapped around themselves.

Often times someone holds onto the label of survivor, and while I am often in awe of their ability to survive terrible circumstances and events, that label creates a link to the trauma that they survived.

All the while they are a ‘survivor’, they are always attached to that which hurt them.

While I never ask anyone to let go of a label, we will often converse about different ways that they could see themselves, and try to find ways and words of honoring their existence that empower them without tying them to things that were, or things that are that not so.

Because in the end, every label that you wrap around your soul can be a limit on the experience you have while you are human.

Obviously there are some to which we cling with desperation, and some we aspire to with all the energy of our heart, yet in the end, every label is a definition away from the most powerful truth you could ever understand.

That instead of ‘being’ something, you just are. And that is more than enough.

Because when you can see the majesty and miracle of the consciousness within you, you come to realize that all of the labels are un-necessary, and transient. The more you give up the needs and the restrictions of labels, the more you can be present in the world with just your observation and your wonder.

And you’ll observe that people, and this planet, are wonderful.

May you find within the understanding that just being you, an awareness and consciousness, is more miraculous and majestic than any label you could give yourself.

When you can move through the world simply ‘being’ and not ‘being something’, you’ll act from a place within you that needs no definition, or labels, or restrictions.

You will simply be you.

And you are enough.

Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #598: The Difference Steps

Do you ever wish your life to be different? To be honest with you, I’ve spent the last 17 years of my life wishing that something pretty fundamental was different.

For the first 11-12 of those years, I had no idea what different looked like, I just knew I wanted things to be other than they were. For many of those I felt hopeless, unable to understand why things felt so wrong, and I couldn’t see a glimpse of what feeling right would look like.

I hope you never been there, because truly, from the bottom of my heart… It sucks.

And yet when I look back at those years, there is one resounding theme that keeps showing up. It manifests slightly differently in each situation, but in the end the equations all come out the same.

Not knowing where I wanted to go, other than “not here” meant that I didn’t know what actions to take to change how I felt.

I didn’t have a vision, and in not having a vision, I didn’t know which way to go.

Then in one half year period, a lot of things changed, and to be honest none of them felt comfortable. I suddenly found myself in a position where I no longer had what I didn’t want, but I didn’t know what I wanted, and I had no idea how I was going to survive in the meantime.

No longer could I do the same old things that weren’t making me happy, but doing something different without knowing what that should be was very difficult.

I really didn’t know what I wanted I didn’t even have an idea of how to find out what I wanted, and pretty much had no place of reference to start.

Looking back on the last sentence, I think I just defined the concept of lost.

Since I had no idea of what I should be doing, I just started doing things that were different. One of those involved jumping out of an aircraft at 13,000 feet strapped to a man I just met, hoping that his parachute was going to be big enough for both of us. I was truly and profoundly scared, yet I learned a valuable lesson that day.

That in the moment of being terrified, I could still hold myself in balance and by pushing through the fear I found a level of peace and comfort I didn’t know I could experience.

Almost 5 years ago I began writing this work that has changed me more than I could ever have imagined. When I started, I really had no idea what I was doing, and to be honest the idea of sharing this work publicly made me really uncomfortable.

I still struggle with the concept that anything I might say may be of value to others, and I had a huge amount of imposter syndrome getting started.

And I still get scared about it sometimes, but not as much, and nowhere near as often.

Because the funny thing about doing different things is that every time you take a large step, you change the person who is doing the stepping. In the years since that experience of being profoundly lost, I’ve learned that the only way to change anything is by doing something different, and the more profoundly scared we are to do it, the greater the outcome will be.

The more we overcome our fear, the more that fear comes back as confidence.

I’ve learned that life rarely changes for the better unless we change it, and that the greatest changes come from only doing things that are truly different.

The person who I was at the time that I felt lost is so different from the person I have become. There have been many experiences that have made me uncomfortable, and some that have completely terrified me.

But each time I pushed through and chose to take the step that was different, things have changed in a way that I could not have expected.

I recently did something that was so out of character for the person I was those few years ago that had you told me I would have done it, I would’ve thought you were crazy.

It’s still a little too overwhelming to share right now, maybe one day, but I will share that I was so scared in doing it that I could barely talk. Yet I can tell you that it was one of the most transformative and profound experiences of my life.

And it would never have happened, if I hadn’t tried something different.

My message for you today is that the only way we truly change our life for the better is by doing something that we haven’t done before. The more it scares you, the better chance that it has to help you.

Sometimes our journey towards peace requires a radical change of direction, and sometimes the hardest things to change are the beliefs that we think have to be “just so”.

My hope for you today is that you can see the changes that will bring you happiness, and that you can find the courage to make them.

Because only by doing something different can you experience life at another level.

May you find direction, courage and peace in your journey.

Today and always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #597: The Prison of Blame & Shame

About 2 months ago, a man came into my office, sat down, and began to cry. He covered his eyes with his hands, and through trembling breaths, he just wept. He didn’t really say anything for a while, and I felt like the best action was to give him the space to be, rather than answer questions.

So I sat next to him, and gently placed my hand on his back.

He didn’t flinch, so I began gently applying a soft but deep pressure up and down his back, trying to give him some comfort, and let him know that I was present, but that we were on his timetable, not mine.

After several minutes of just sitting there his breathing became more even, and his tears reduced to an occasional trickle. I sat on the floor opposite him, and asked a gentle opening question.

At first he seemed ashamed to be crying, but somehow I managed to create a space where he could feel safe enough to open up and share.

And for the next 30 minutes or so, we had a difficult yet powerful conversation.

I’m not going to go too deeply into what we talked about, but I think it’s enough to say that a situation was occurring within his family that was as unexpected as it was unwelcome, and he felt overwhelmed and unable to see a pathway forwards.

He was worried for the future, and couldn’t see a way forward that didn’t have a painful ending.

All of which was perfectly normal, and human.

Yet in the midst of the conversation, it became clear that a significant portion of his concern was about how the situation would be viewed by family members, and how he would be able to navigate a future in which he was going to feel like a failure, even though he had not caused the problem, and was trying to find a way out of it.

When I pointed this out to him, his tears returned.

It’s not like I haven’t seen this before. I’ve lost track of the number of times that I’ve listened to people tell me their problems, and found out that they are imprisoned in a complex web of blame and shame, unable to separate the situation and its solution from the judgment they fear, both from others and from themselves.

In reality, there was no-one to blame, and no judgment from anyone of importance.

Because the problems that this man and his family were encountering are the very same ones that so many people, pretty much all people, struggle with.

Lifetimes of trauma and trying times create fractures in the emotions of humans, and unless those fractures, or wounds, are properly healed, we walk around this world trying our best, yet sometimes behaving at our worst.

And then we make it worse by feeling shame, and blaming ourselves.

Which just doubles down on the problem, making it harder for us to reach an emotional balance where we can begin to find solutions to our problems. The situation my friend was experiencing has multiple causes, and none of them a result of anyone’s intention.

Yet he felt like it must have been his fault somehow, and was worried about how it would look.

So I did what I have done so many times before, and set about changing his outlook. Using all that I have learned, and speaking from deep within my heart, I outlined the problem he was facing from a different perspective.

I explained the root causes of the events that had created the problem, and explained what I felt were options and avenues for him.

I also helped him realize that no-one was to ‘blame’, and that his fear of judgment was his own response to trauma in his life.

How I did do that… well, to quote from a movie franchise, I have a very particular set of skills, and I've been doing this for people for a long time now. When I wrote a few posts ago about being able to see you, it’s not hyperbole.

People at their core are very much the same, and their problems tend to be very similar.

So when you care deeply enough to understand people, you realize that almost every problem can be broken down to the same core concepts, the same fractured foundations.

Which is what we discussed.

As he left, I knew that I hadn’t changed his situation, but I felt like I had changed his understanding of it. By helping him to see that this wasn’t about blame, or judgment, or opinions or shame, I helped him see through the fog, and to understand his pathways forwards.

However the situation develops, he understands that he has options and abilities, and that he doesn’t have to worry about how everyone else looks at him.

Which is exactly the message I’d like to share with you.

Because I’m guessing if we sat down and talked, you’d probably share that you struggle with the same things. It’s a very human thing, to judge and to fear the judgment of others.

Yet I will tell you that more often than not, the very things with which you blame yourself are responses to situations and circumstances beyond your control.

And eventually, you’d come to understand that blame, shame and judgment are just the refuge of those who cannot love themselves enough to see the humanity and the divinity in others.

May you release yourself from blame and shame today, so that you may see a brighter tomorrow.

And find peace…

Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #596: Live from the Scar, Not from the Wound.

I sat for a few minutes yesterday with a dear friend who I respect immensely. She has lived through things that would have broken just about anybody else, and yet through it all she’s managed to retain an incredible amount of goodness and kindness.

She’s one of those people who just seems to take the hits, and come back stronger.

My admiration for her knows no bounds.

During the short time available to us, we spoke about some of the things that are causing her stress and discomfort. She has an assignment within her faith that requires her to be in a position of care and caring over a number of people, and like the person she is, she is giving everything to her assignment. I’m pretty confident no one would work harder, and no one would care more.

But I fear that she is caring too much.

Trust me, I’m not someone to talk with any great integrity on functional boundaries. At 52 years old, I’m still working on that. I have done more than my fair share of sacrificing my quality of life for others, but I can honestly say that I’m getting better at it. I wish I could say the same for my friend, although I fear that I can’t.

Because she cares so much that it’s robbing her of the life that is her own.

She shared with me that she struggles greatly to find a balance with her caring, and much of the time she gives too much, cares too deeply, and it’s affecting how she lives.

Since I’ve known her for many years, and we have had many deep discussions, I felt it was pretty safe to ask her one of those questions that she has come to expect from me.

“Do you have any idea why you can’t stop caring?”

I could already see the tears falling as she shook her head and spoke a quiet “no”. I gave her space to feel, and then I asked her simply “May I make a suggestion”. Through her tears she smiled at me and with a nod of her head gave me a gentle “of course”.

I took a deep breath, because I knew what I was about to share was going to be painful for her, but that she would also hear me and know the intention with which I spoke.

And I said something like this… “Those who are still in pain and are not healed cannot bear to see that pain in others, so they try to heal the world in the hopes that they can heal themselves”.

The moments we shared after that were brief, but I got to see her incredible spirit as she listened, took the words into her heart and nodded briefly. Thankfully she knows me well enough to know that my intention was never to hurt, but to tell her truth that might help her heal.

I honestly think that she is one of the strongest people I know, because I feel that she is carrying so much, and yet still she makes room in her heart for others.

Sometimes I think it’s because that way she doesn’t have to focus on herself.

Healing is always an individual thing, and all of us are on that journey of ours alone. Yes other people can help, but there is no real substitute for sitting down, and allowing yourself to actually feel what you feel. I’ve been working on that more lately, and honestly that pretty much sucks sometimes.

But the truth is this… the emotions we refuse to feel are the things that will stop us from being able to heal.

Read that again for me. I need you to understand it. We all carry a burden, and no matter how large or how small, that burden is ours. We are the ones that have to deal with it, or we can just carry it around for as long as we want.

But every day we carry that which is unnecessary is a day that we don’t experience life at its fullest.

And life will never be as good as it could be if you are still wounded by pain from your past.

The more you heal, the more you can find a balance between what you owe to others and what you owe to yourself. The less you need emotionally, the more you are able to give to others.

We all experience trauma, we are all wounded at some point, but not all of us have done the work to clean the wound and allow the scar to heal over, so that we can stop bleeding and start living.

And I promise you, you will never do a more important work than working on yourself.

I sincerely hope that my friend will be able to give the same loving kindness to herself that she would give to everybody else. I hope that someday soon she will be able to rest, and spend some of her precious time helping herself to heal, so that she might find a better balance.

She is someone who has so much to give, so much love to share, but until she learns to balance that love with a love for herself, I fear she will always find life draining.

And she deserves so much better than that.

May she, and you, find peace today,

And Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #595: Eternal

In a rented beach house on the coast of northern Oregon, I find myself face to face with the enormity of the Pacific Ocean.

Standing here on the deck, looking out over the waves, I see into nothingness. The relentless sound of the water crashing into the sand reassures me that time is as it has always been, and that long after I have slipped the bonds of this life, there will still be an ocean, still be the waves.

For in the span of my life, this ocean is eternal.

And yet, in the course of the universe in which we currently play, even the timeline of this ocean is less than forever. I am reminded that this ball of rock to which we cling had its beginning, and will yet see an end. In the course of events that govern the rise and fall of realities, even the life of a mere planet is a plaything of some small consequence.

What was before, and what will be after – no-one truly knows.

In this moment, as I smell the salt in the air, and feel the increased moisture gently blown onto my skin, hearing the pulse of the earth expressed in a movement of water reminds me that the only time I am promised is this one, right now.

Tomorrow is a possibility, and yesterday only a memory. If I free myself from the concept of time, and drift in the now, I can find the hints and prospects of a potential eternity whispering to my soul.

It seems that the only way to truly experience eternity is to let it slip between our fingers in favor of a powerful and ever present now.

Yet I am mindful that I cannot always ignore the future, and since I have lived the past, it must have some value, some meaning. Since they must always be a part of me, I seek instead to find a balance, knowing that all things exist to teach me wisdom, if I am willing to learn from them, and that some stories repeat over and over until I have finally understood the lesson.

That I may live my life how I wish, but I may not exchange the consequences of that living.

And the greatest responsibility I have in the use of my time is solely to myself. In the end, how I choose to invest my moments will impact me more than anyone else. Some I may spend in quiet introspection, with others I may choose wild abandon.

Yet there is no way that I can retrieve either from the past, and neither can I subtract the outcome of those moments from my future.

Time is interconnected, and linear only unto now.

So your choice right now, today, tomorrow and in whatever future is unveiled unto you, is to spend your time in the way that seems best. Your gift, your blessing, and possibly your curse is that your life is yours.

While it can be impacted and shaped by others, in the end, only you can live your life here and now. It seems that we cannot outsource the responsibility for our own eventuality.

So how should you choose?

If I might offer one suggestion, it would simply be this… that you order your time and your life in such a way that you need as little as possible in each moment to find peace and happiness. Whether that means freeing your mind from the shackles of imagined wants and desires, or training your body in such a way that you can enjoy each moment in as much health as is available to you.

Because the moment that needs nothing else is a pathway into a life of eternity.

The art of the expenditure of time is the balance of yesterday, today and tomorrow with the ever-present and eternal now, such that you may find as much peace and joy as may be taken from any moment.

That the birthright of any human, any consciousness, should be so, is my wish.

Today, and always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #594: How Do You Find You?

It’s a crazy world we’re living in, and it’s really easy to get lost in it.

From the 24 hour news cycle to the constant bombardment of social media, we’ve become a population with unfathomable information at our fingertips, yet so much of what we take in from our screens and our headphones is trying to convince us that we need to be that which are not.

In the midst of all the noise, we often lose the art of listening to ourselves.

From the moment we’re born, the world has a role for us, and an idea of what we should be. Depending on where you live, and the circumstances you are born into, you may have a life all mapped out for you before you are able to stand. From whom you will marry to what you will do for work; from the clothes you will wear to the foods you consume.

The culture we are born into can sometimes be a prison to our souls.

And yet as children we go along with this, because we know nothing else. We hope that the adults around us have our best interests at heart, and we try to fit in, because standing out as a child often leads to ridicule and pain. So we like the things we are taught to like, and we do the things we are taught to do.

Yet rarely are we asked if these things resonate with us, and truly feed our souls.

The conformity that we are taught as children, often with the best of intentions, usually comes at the price of our individuality and the freedom we so desperately need.

If we are truly honest with ourselves, I don’t think there is a single one of us who is born into a situation that perfectly fitted our own wants and desires.

Probably because we had no idea what they really were.

And sure, those change over time, but as kids we are expected to find joy in the things that everybody does, and for some of us, (especially if you’re the kind of person who reads this work) the everyday things just don’t fill our souls. Were looking for something deeper, something more meaningful, something that has purpose and value and a little bit of magic.

And when we discover it, we realize we’ve been looking for it all along.

You’ll know it when you find it, because it stirs something deep and abiding within you. Since we’re friends, I’ll share with you that in the early days of writing this work, I had somebody reach out and tell me that had she read what I had posted that day a year or so beforehand, she wouldn’t have tried to kill herself.

I still remember how it felt to read that comment, and the mixture of emotions that followed.

My deep sadness that she had ever felt that way, and my immense gratitude that in some way I had been able to make a small difference.

In the days that followed, more people left comments that they had been helped, and what began essentially as a project to try and express some of my own feelings turned into a pathway of meaning and service, and eventually to me finding one of the truths of my soul... that I exist to serve, and that the joy and deep meaning that I find from doing this work are some of the things that make life worth living.

And I came to understand that we find ourselves by doing, and seeing how we feel about it.

Which is not what we’re taught as children. I’m guessing nobody set you down when you were five years old and asked you to really search your feelings and see how you felt about everything.

In my experience, children are rarely taught to truly think and feel for themselves, and I think that’s where we go wrong as a society and as people.

Because you have a right to experience your life in a way that brings you meaning. Not because of someone else’s beliefs, or the dogma of their own devotion, but to truly find out what resonates with your soul and to pursue that as long as hard as you want to.

I truly believe that people who have found their own truth and are living it are the peacemakers of the world, for they do not require others to behave in a way that suits them, rather they desire everybody to live in a way that truly fills their soul.

If you found what works for you, I am so glad and encourage you to live every day chasing after that which helps you find yourself.

If you haven’t, I hope you haven’t stopped looking at. Sometimes it takes a while to truly discover who you are, but once you get there, I believe you will feel that the journey was worth it.

May you find yourself every day, and may you live your truth more deeply, and more profoundly.

That we may all find ourselves and find peace together.

Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #593: A Warm Soft Light into Darkness

If you are like me, you probably have some parts of your soul that you tend to shy away from.

Maybe it’s because it’s a dark area of your past that contains a pain that you’d like to forget, or maybe it’s a component of your character that you wish was somehow different. Maybe it’s something that you did a long time ago that you would give everything you have now to go back and change.

Please hear this: darkness doesn’t make you horrible, it just makes you human.

It takes an incredible amount of courage to go deep and see inside of that which you’d rather avoid, especially if your past contains the kind of demons and nightmares that can inhibit our days and inhabit our nights.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop being amazed at the bravery and tenacity of some of the people who I've been privileged to help along the way through this work.

The courage of people in the face of the difficulties of life just leaves me speechless.

I wish you and I could sit down and talk for a day. Maybe on a quiet beach, feeling the warmth from a campfire, watching as the flames light the coming evening, or maybe sitting by a stream in the mountains, listening to the water as it flows down towards the distant but inevitable sea. Wherever we sat together, I would love to listen to you as you speak the truths of your soul.

To sit in your presence, and learn from your wisdom.

Which may sound funny, but I honestly believe that everybody has wisdom to share. Sometimes our situations may be different, but in the end most of the problems we face are relatively the same.

Relationships that aren’t the way we expected them to be; circumstances that didn’t quite turn out the way that we thought they should.

While the details may differ, in the end we all want the same things.

Yet sometimes finding someone with whom you can explore your soul is difficult. I had an experience recently where a woman I was talking to felt safe enough to unburden herself some of the deepest and darkest aspects of what she thought were flaws in her character.

I could tell the struggle she was going through to express in words what she felt was some of her deepest shame.

Yet when she explained it to me, I saw nothing other than a normal human emotion.

And a lot of the time that’s what we really need. We just need to talk to somebody who feels safe, about the things that we really feel. I’ve said time and again that feelings are not good or bad, they merely are.

Once we remove judgment, we can go about the work of taking them apart, finding what went wrong and seeing if we can put it right.

Sometimes, life is about being with someone you trust as you look into the darkness.

Which is where courage comes in. Because sometimes the things we feel are so painful and so difficult that merely talking about them breaks our hearts and brings us to tears.

Sometimes we need someone who can reflect back are words with a slight change in emphasis to help us see where we thought our darkness was horrible, and it turns out to be human.

One soft light in the darkness changes it from absolute into something that we can work with.

And the funny thing is, as I learned recently, most of the time our darkness really isn’t something to be afraid of. Sure it might hurt coming out, and it might require good friends and talented guides to help us navigate, but in the end on the other side of darkness is peace and understanding. We just have to find our way there.

And I hope in some small way, this work is a light to you, helping you forwards towards your own piece.

May you find wisdom and peace today.

And always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 592: The Other Side of the Mirror

Who do you see when you stand face to face with yourself in the mirror? I ask this question because the answer to it is more important than almost any other answer that you give me.

Some of you will hesitate to answer, and some of you will share forth an answer without an ounce of hesitation. Yet in the midst of all of the different things that would be said, there’s pretty much always going to be one constant.

You’re going to lie to me.

I don’t mean to question your integrity, far from it. It’s just that the reflection you see of yourself in the mirror is usually made of what you actually see, and then what you feel about what you see.

Chances are that as your brain decodes the information in the light bouncing off the reflective surface, you’re going to incorporate a meaning to everything in front of you.

It is said that a picture is worth a thousand words, and I will say that a reflection can contain a thousand lies.

None of us are immune, far from it. As I look at my face in the mirror, I see way more white in my beard than I’m comfortable with, and the other day I finally found my first gray hair. I see the scars of an accident that required world class plastic surgery to put me back together, and I see tiredness in my eyes as the wrinkles on the side are starting to show.

All of that is essentially true, and yet, if I stop there, I fall prey to the lies I would warn you of.

For in that reflection also is a son and a brother, a husband and a father. There’s a brother in law, a son in law, an uncle and a friend. There’s also a writer, a Doctor, a healer and a coach. There’s a man who has been so scared that he cried, and a man who crossed a world for the woman he loves. There may even be, one day, a pilot and a man who is happy with who he managed to become.

In every reflection of me, there’s some many truths that I somehow fail to see.

My guess is that the same applies to you. Depending on how much work you’ve put into your soul, you may have so many things about your reflection that you don’t like, and possibly some that you do.

There may be things you see that are not so, and things that are there that you don’t want to see. We all struggle to see the truth of ourselves sometimes, and the more we tell ourselves, the less is likely to be true.

Because the person in the mirror is just who you need to be – simply you.

And I get there might be things you want to change, I think we all have those. Yet the sum total of your reflection from the mirror is simply an image of the miraculous person you are, and always have been. Your physical appearance is not important, and your age, race and color are irrelevant. In the end, all that matters is one simple metric as you look deep into the glass that claims to reveal all…

The truth of your reflection is a reflection of how well you know yourself.

Because chances are, if you’ve spent time doing the work, you’ll be less worried about what you see, and far more concerned with who is there. You’ll know that appearances are fleeting, and yet the beauty of a kind compassionate soul is eternal, and beyond compare. If you’ve gone deep enough, and really seen into that totality of who you are, the mirror is nothing more than a gateway.

And that the person on the other side of the mirror is your friend.

One who you laugh with and cry with; care for and care about. When the person on the other side of the mirror is someone you know well, you’ll forgive them their faults, and celebrate their wins. You’ll understand their strengths, and you’ll know that travails of their soul.

And the light that shines from their eyes will be the beacon that lights your soul.

May you find peace in your reflection, and joy on the other side of the mirror.

And may it be this way.

Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #591: As I Stand in the Sacred Human Presence

On the wall of my office at home, I have a powerful quote that I took from the Facebook page of someone who’s name escapes me.

I can’t remember why I was following him, and other than this one particular quote, I don’t think he ever said or posted anything that I found particularly valuable or insightful. Yet I wish I could remember who he was, and thank him from the bottom of my heart.

Because that one post has made such a difference to my life.

He was a younger guy, and had been very successful in business, and yet at an age where most people would be trying to make more money and save for the future, he was instead selling his whole business to his partners because he had discovered a truth. The truth was found, as it so often is, after a very deep and profound question.

Which went something like this…

“If I looked back and reflected, and if this was my life’s work, would I be happy with what I have accomplished? Would I feel like the work I did had deep meaning and purpose, and would matter years from now?”

I marveled that someone so young (I think he was in his late 20’s) could have so much wisdom, and so much courage, that he would give up something that he had worked so hard to build, so that he could go and do something that felt to him more meaningful. And yet as I sit here, writing the pieces of whatever this work is becoming, I can understand exactly why he did what he did.

Because in the end, doing something that you feel is meaningful is the greatest work you will ever do.

As I close in on 600 individual pieces of this journey, I marvel at the fact that so many of you have been kind enough to share your thoughts about how this work has touched you, and helped you. I won’t lie and say that this is easy, or that I know exactly what I’m doing (spoiler alert – I really don’t yet), and yet I do it because this is how I find meaning.

Because you mean so much to me.

Chances are I don’t know you personally, and yet to me, you are sacred. I've lived long enough, and seen more than enough, to know that the only truly sacred thing on this earth is the consciousness inside of each of you. Human beings are the most profound, frustrating, wonderful, challenging and ultimately divine beings I have ever seen.

And to have the chance to connect with any one of you is a joy, a privilege and a blessing.

I once heard the Indian greeting of ‘Namaste’ described as ‘the light in me bows to the light in you’, and the older (and hopefully wiser) that I get, the more I come to understand that interpretation. One of my favorite quotes from all of literature is the simplest declaration of the sacredness of every person on this planet. “Sin is when you start to treat people as objects”.

How I wish you could see you as I see you.

I get that you may feel broken, or a failure, or not good enough. I’ve been there, and still struggle not to stay there sometimes. But the truth that I have come to understand is that to stand in the presence of anyone is to be in the presence of the divine.

Whatever you feel like you have done, or said, please, please, please know that you are sacred.

A person who was touched by this work and a conversation we had about 3 years ago, reached out recently to thank me. She told me that the knowledge that I believed in her had carried her through some dark times, and that she had found a way through her darkness and was doing better than she had ever done. She thanked me, and yet I don’t think she understands how deeply I want to thank her.

Because in allowing me to help her in some small way, she showed me my path to find meaning.

Whoever you are, reading this work, I want you to know that you have my respect, my admiration and my belief. As a person you might have flaws, but as a human being you are sacred.

And you are very special to me.

May you find peace and joy on your journey.

Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #590: Drowning in a Room Full of Air.

Have you ever felt lost… not just in the geographical ‘where the hell am I’ sense, but in the deeper more profound ‘what am I doing with my life’ kind of way? After all, life really doesn’t come with a great deal of instructions.

Sure, there are people who will tell you how you should live your life, but in my experience they’re just people trying to follow what they’ve been taught, and they can’t handle the fact that you may find peace and happiness outside of what they understand.

Because make no mistake, peace and happiness is what we are all after.

But we’ve been fed so many lies about what it takes to find it, that many people are living with this existential dread that they are somehow ‘living life wrong’. They’re doing everything that they’ve been told should bring happiness, and yet in the deepest darkest corners of their souls, they know that they’re not happy, and they are not at peace. And they often have no idea of how to handle that.

Because they’ve been fed dogma and discipleship rather than wisdom and kindness.

I have a good friend who has a 21 year old daughter who is ‘struggling’, and can’t seem to find her path. I can see the frustration on the face of my friend as he desperately wants to help his daughter find her way in life, and yet I can tell you that this young woman is never going to find the answer that her father is looking for.

Because what she needs is not a pathway to find her peace in the future, but a way to heal the wounds and sadness she has from her past.

For this young woman, the concepts of a fulfilling job or career in the future is just not going to excite her. Sure she has many options open to her, but none of them will actually solve the problem that she has right now. As she struggles to heal from the trauma that occurred in her life a few years ago, she is seeking not success, or financial security, or a sense of accomplishment that comes with a college degree.

At a deep, emotional and honestly fairly subliminal level, this young woman is trying to find a way to emotionally breathe.

And none of the options being presented to her by life are helping, because she doesn’t even understand what the problem is. She’s being fed the same story by her family and her friends, that she needs to get a good job, because apparently security will solve her problems (which it won’t), and that at the tender young age of 21 she needs to have it all figured out.

Like who actually knows what they are born to be when they are 21 – I was 48 when I finally figured out what I wanted to do with my life.

This young woman is being denied what she really needs, because the people around her either can’t or won’t recognize the problem that she’s really suffering from. I don’t think they are doing this intentionally with a full knowledge of what is going on, it’s just that they have been fed the same stories over and over until they don’t think about anything anymore.

The unexamined ‘truth’ is often more dangerous than the well meaning lie.

I titled this piece very specifically, because most of us are metaphorically drowning in a room full of air. Not because we need oxygen, but because what is in great supply around us is rarely what we really need. Instead of judgment and derision, we need the skills and the space (and sadly often the permission) to explore who we really are, and to find a way live authentically with what we really feel.

And most of all, we need people who can help us find a way to our own emotional home.

I’ve been very lucky in my life to have found a few people who have really planted their feet firmly on their own path. You’ll know they when you meet them, because they stand out through their kindness and their willingness to accept you exactly where and how you are, rather than judging you for who they believe you are not.

Because we all need the space to discover and find a way to live with who we are.

And that happens best with opportunities rather than instructions, and kindness rather than shame.

If you’re feeling lost, may I most humbly suggest that it may be because you haven’t spent enough time just listening to yourself. It’s a funny truth, but most of us can find our own way in the world when we learn to listen to, and make peace with, the very deepest voices in our souls.

May you find your own peace, and share it with this world that so desperately needs peacemakers, and those whose first instinct is kindness rather than fear.

I wish peace and wisdom for you today and every day.

And Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #589: Wiping clean the windshield of your soul.

As we pulled out of our driveway and turned our car to the east, we were greeted with a beautiful sunrise, as the sun struggled its way over the hills on the other side of the city.

Reds and golds cascaded over the sky, bouncing off the early weekday clouds, and filling the morning with such a beautiful feeling of transcendent peace.

Except I could see very little of it.

Because that morning we were taking our ‘back-up’ car, which is my old and beloved Buick. It doesn’t look like much, but I’ve driven that car for many, many miles, and like an old sweater or a rumpled jacket in the midst of the cold of fall, sometimes just driving that car is a comforting pleasure. But since I don’t drive it every day, there are times where it just sits under a tree for a while, accumulating dust and grime.

Especially, and this is the important part for today, right over the windshield.

So as the morning broke over the foothills, all of a sudden my view was blocked as the sunlight bounced off not only the detritus of nature on the outside of the car, but also on the buildup of condensation and assorted moisture that we as humans exhale, and which somehow ends up inexplicably pasted onto the inside of the windshield of our cars.

And so we did that funny little dance of desperately turning on the windshield wipers while trying to find something with which to wipe the inside of the windshield enough that I could drive safely.

I’m sure you’ve experienced this once or twice in your life – that sudden moment of not being able to see anything as the world in front of you gets blocked by too much light, and not enough clarity. Maybe it’s been inside of your car or with dirty sunglasses, but maybe it’s been because of the fallout of the all the things that have happened in your life that have clung to your soul, obscuring the way that you see and feel this marvelous world into which we are born.

If you don’t feel like that last sentence applies to you, chances are you are exactly the person who needed to read this post today.

Because we all have things in our past that have carved their passing on our souls, and yet most of the time we don’t realize it. I recently had to have the same discussion with two different coaching clients, both of whom were determined to argue their point that a certain thing in their childhood (and in one case their entire childhood) had NOT had any trauma in it.

It’s times like these where I get to be the bearer of both bad and good news.

Because it’s a hard thing to accept that something in our past is blocking our way into the future, and sometimes it’s an even harder truth to accept that we can learn to let that go, and see the world differently. Very often the scars that we hold onto deep in our souls have been there so long that they feel like they are a ‘part of us’, and letting go of them feels like tearing off a piece of who we are.

And yet the tighter we cling to them, the more we will find our view of the world, and our experience in it, colored and covered, so that our days are clouded when they could be full of light.

I once heard it said that life after 20 was more about the unlearning of things that you thought than the learning of new things, and I have found that to be true. It’s almost like you spend the first two decades of your life covering up that childlike wonder with which you used to view the world, and then you spend the rest of your life trying to find it again.

Because sometimes children see the world so much clearer than we do.

So if you are one of those people who struggles to see life clearly sometimes because of the streak and smears on your soul, please know that there are ways to find a pathway to seeing clearer. If you struggle to find joy in your day, I am here to tell you that there is a pathway forwards for you. I’m not going to tell you that it is easy, but I am going to plead with you to believe me that it is worth it.

In my own life, I have had to go through, and am still going through, the process of wiping away old beliefs and behaviors so that I might find a greater joy, and a greater understanding, of this life which I have been given. The process is not easy, but over the years I have found my way into moments of love, light, laughter and living that have changed what was once the burden of living into a wellspring of wonder and love.

Your path is out there my friend, and whether you are just starting to walk it, or have been on it for many years, please know that I am here for you.

Helping in whatever way I can.

So that we may all find our way to wisdom, love and light.

And peace.

Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #588: I See You

There was this girl called Helen who I had a huge crush on when I was a kid.

I usually change the names of people who I write about in this work, but she’s many years gone and in a completely different continent, so I can use her real name with a fair degree of confidence that she’ll never see this.

I thought she was amazing, which she was, and would have given just about anything to have dated her.

Spoiler alert – she didn’t feel the same way about me.

But we did have a lot of conversations since we were in the same class at school, so along with thinking she was absolutely beautiful (which she was), I got find out just how wonderful her mind was (and it was). Yet one conversation sticks out, 35 years and thousands of miles later. She made one comment that at the time I hated, and yet now I am so grateful that she told me the truth.

“When you look at me, it feels like you are looking right through me”.

At the time, I felt like that was a terrible thing, and for many years I struggled with actually making eye contact with people for the fear that I was ‘staring right through them’. I’m sure that made me seem like I was aloof and kind of unfriendly towards people, which wasn’t my intention. It never struck me until years later that maybe, just maybe, Helen meant something a little different…

“When you look at me, it’s like you can see the real me”.

Believe me, it’s a blessing and a curse, this gift I have for understanding people. I hate how I can read someone’s history in an inflection, and see the pain in their soul when they glance away with a sad expression on their face. Sometimes it feels so invasive, and yet, it’s become the blessing that has allowed me to help people through their darkest feelings and find a light where there was only darkness.

And as much as I wish I could turn it off sometimes, there’s not a day that would wish to be without it.

Because if you could see people like I see people, I think you’d agree that humans beings are the most remarkable things. They’re caught between light and darkness, chaos and calm, and so many of them choose to be good. When faced with situations that would scare any rational creature to death, people show up with love, and kindness, and compassion.

They give of themselves in a way that leaves me breathless.

I have seen fathers full of fear and uncertainty reach down into their souls and comfort their child. I have seen mothers who are afraid of the responsibility find courage in the face of so much pressure, and find a way to come through in the moments where failure truly was not an option. I've seen humans of all walks of life show up in ways that overwhelm my soul.

You beautiful, beautiful people.

For all the death, chaos and sadness in the world, please believe me when I tell you that there is so much more good than bad in this world. So much of our civilization is only possible because of the incredible goodness that is present in the human spirit. There is so much light in the world because of people like you.

‘But wait’ you think… how does he know me?

And the truth is, I might not, but I know who you are. If you are someone reading this work… especially if you’ve been here for a while, then I know you, because I write these words for a very specific person. The type of person who is introspective, and willing to go deeper to understand their soul. The type of person who tries their best to be good, even when the world treats them in a way that is not.

But let me take it one level deeper.

Chances are that even now, or at some recent point in your life, you are or were the kind of person who would have told me that I was wrong when I said you were a good person, and would have tried to deflect some of my intention when I told you that I stand in awe of you (which I do). You might even have told me about someone who you thought was really the kind of person I was describing.

But I have this gift you see – it’s the ability to see people.

If this work resonates with you, then I know you. I know that you are aware of your faults and your failings, and you probably struggle sometimes to think good thoughts about yourself. I know that you are overwhelmed sometimes, and yet you get up each day trying to do your best.

So please understand me when I tell you this, because I mean it with every intention of my heart.

I see you, I know you, and you are good.

You are worthy of love, you are worthy of kindness, and you are worthy of loving yourself.

And if you think I’m wrong, I’m not. Trust me. I’m very, very good at this.

And I see you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection] #587: The Archipelago Principle

Do you wanna know what the secret of life is? Do you… really? Because it’s really not a secret at all, but a truth that people try to avoid. It’s not some profound piece of knowledge, or some difficult to understand zen parable that can be interpreted many different ways.

It’s a cold, hard and logical reality that can have you running in fear, or it can set you on a path to a life greater than you’ve ever imagined.

The secret truth is simply this – you are alone.

Even in a room full of people, a stadium full of thousands or a country full to the brim with other human beings, your consciousness only has itself to be with.

Sure we can interact with others, and communicate with them in a way that makes us feel heard, or seen, but in the end, you’ll never experience someone else’s consciousness at the level that you experience your own.

You are an island of consciousness in the midst of billions of other islands – a single speck in a vast immeasurable Human Archipelago.

Which means that you really ought to get to know who you really are, and figure out what makes you happy. Because the whole purpose of life is that you get to experience it – life. You are here, now, with opportunities and overwhelm, possibilities and problems.

The more it takes to make you happy, the more time you’ll spend trying to make yourself happy, and the greater probability that you’ll be less than happy when things don’t line up just the right way.

Here’s one of the real secrets of life – the person who is happy with the least is the person who is happy the most.

And this applies to everything. The parent who is happy within themselves can allow their child to be truly themselves, because the parent needs nothing from the child. The person who has found balance within themselves is able to hold space for their partner to be authentically whoever they are, because they need nothing from the relationship.

Understand this clearly, the difference between want and need in a relationship is the difference between a paradise and a prison.

The human who has found a balanced peace within themselves is the person who is least affected by the chaos and calamity that makes up a lot of our experience in this universe.

So if you truly want to be happy, you’re gonna have to spend a lot of time within yourself. So many of us live this life never getting beyond the very basic existence of feelings, where we never question who we are, and we run around at the mercy of circumstances and chaos.

Living in a world of sensation and reaction, they seek endlessly for anything to escape the fear that they feel when they realize that they are alone.

And that they cannot live with themselves.

Then there are those who realize the truth of the archipelago, and do the work. They spend their time focused inwards, learning, understanding, healing and balancing. To the outside world they seem different, and yet in their inner world they are weaving a landscape of wisdom, kindness and strength.

When you fully accept that your consciousness is the only one you’ll ever experience, you’ll start doing the work so that your experience of consciousness is something better than it has ever been.

To paraphrase Eminem: you get one shot, and one opportunity.

Because in the end, no one else can do the work for you. Yes there are those of us out here who are guides and helpers, who can show you a path and help you see the way forwards, but you are the only one who can walk it, the only one who can deal with your own burdens. The longer you put off doing the work, the more of your life that you are wasting at the mercy of everything else.

Because once you get deep with your own soul, your whole experience of the universe will change.

Once you’re good with you, the rest of the world has less control over you. Once you’ve made peace with who you really are, then the more you are able to spread peace in the world.

The less you need in any experience, the more you are able to accept every experience for what it truly is.

This life is yours, and yours alone.

May you find peace and joy, wisdom, love and light.

Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #586: Oxygen Mask Theory

A while ago my wife and I were on a plane back into our home town of Boise, when the pilot came on with one of those announcements that you hear about, but never want to hear yourself. He told us that he had declared an emergency and that when we landed, we would have fire trucks and ambulances chasing us down the runway.

Apparently this was all out of ‘an abundance of caution’, and he didn’t think there was anything really wrong.

Yeah – and of course we all believed him completely, and sat there without concern.

Not. Since we had declared an emergency, we also got a direct line into Boise, with none of those twists and turns like usual. That brought us straight down through a couple of clouds and we got hit with turbulence like I’ve never felt before. Drinks in the back were spilling, people were freaking out, and I grabbed my phone and I messaged both of our kids telling them that I love them.

Good times.

My brain immediately went to work, realizing that we might have to exit the plane down those slides that look like so much fun that you never want to try it. I took items from the backpack that I might have to leave on the plane, putting them into my pockets in the event that the plane went up in a ball of flame.

And then I sat there with everybody else, knowing that we were in the hands of fate and the skill and wisdom of the two pilots up front.

For some reason my brain kept jumping back to the safety briefing that no-one really listens to, where they talk about putting on your mask first, and then helping others with theirs. I realized that I had essentially prepared myself, and was ready to help my wife and anyone else around us in whatever way I could.

I honestly have no idea what that was, because let’s face it, I’ve never slid down one of those slides before, but I was ready to help in whatever way I could.

The landing was great, the plane functioned perfectly, and as we taxied into the gate, everyone let out a collective sigh of relief as we all came to realization that things were going to be fine. Some people cried, some laughed. Some just held hands, some people didn’t seem like they’d even had a care in the world. Maybe they hadn’t, or maybe they had, but were just too cool to show it.

Who knows.

But as we drove home that evening, I realized that the lesson that they taught us in the briefing was really one that I had not been paying attention to, even though I've taught it to people so many times in coaching and teaching. On the plane I had taken care of myself, and then prepared to help others, and yet in my normal life, I have had a tendency to sacrifice my own needs in the service of others.

Which sounds really noble, and yet it was coming from a place where I felt I wasn’t worth being taken care of.

And yet I had an experience recently that was so profound that it will be a while before I share it, but that taught me that I was worthy of being taken care of, and that I had value in and of myself. And I realized that sacrificing your own humanity for others is not a sign of nobility or goodness, but it’s actually a sign of a fundamental separation from yourself.

And that wisdom is the understanding and the application of balance between yourself and the rest of the universe.

Because far too many of us spend our days believing that we are not enough, and that we have some terrible flaw that means that others deserve more than we do. I think it’s one of the fundamental problems of humanity that we haven’t yet worked our way through yet, and causes so much pain, so much sadness. So many people need to know who they really are.

And that they are worthy of love and joy.

So today, this is me teaching you what I call oxygen mask theory. That you are worthy of your own concern, and that you have a right to find peace, joy and happiness on your terms. And the funny thing is… when you’ve got yourself worked out and have found happiness, you’ll want to share it with others.

That’s how we change the world, one heart and one human at a time.

Wisdom, love and light.

Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #585: Storybound

It’s the first thing I’m going to try to discover when working with you. It’s often buried below a lifetime of shame backed up by a burning desire to never let me know.

How fast we get to it determines how fast we will make your changes together. It can be your blessing and your curse, and it often sits so far down in your mind that you’re not even aware of how much it controls you.

Tell me the story of you.

How deep I have to take you to get to the truth is an equation of how ashamed you are of it, and how little you understand it, and honestly I’m not sure which of these is worse. Those who truly understand their story but are ashamed of it will run from the truth, but at least they know it. Those who are unaware don’t necessarily have shame around it, but they are often completely oblivious to how much it controls them.

Neither of these are a great way to live.

The story of you that you live could be something incredible, but most of the time it’s not. Depending on where and when you grew up, your story might have been forced on you by well meaning others, or the product of circumstances that were beyond your control and your years. It can define you in the ways that you doubt, defy, demure and dissemble.

If you don’t change that story, if will define every moment of your life until the grave. People get so locked into their stories that they live their lives by the things they have been told, rather than change what it is that they believe without question.

The more you understand and can accept your story without judgment, the faster we can get you the transformation you’re looking for. But be under no illusion, you’ll find that owning your story is likely to hurt in the short term, and it’s not for the faint of heart. You’ll have to dance with your demons, say hello to your heartaches, and bid a fond farewell to your victimhood.

And it will force you to accept others as you come to accept yourself.

Because redefining your story is as much about forgiving yourself for your failures as it is about calling yourself to task for what you do have and what you can do. The more of your story that you let go, the easier your life becomes as your choices expand, and your compassion compounds. For some it takes time, and for others it can occur in the space of a heartbeat.

Whenever it occurs, it can change how you experience life.

Because unless you have done the deep work, and taken control of your story, I can guarantee that it’s controlling you. Maybe you tell yourself you’re a victim, which changes every interaction you have with others, or maybe you tell yourself that you are poor, which affects how you handle your money. Maybe you are ashamed of who you are, which leads you hide away from everyone who could be your friend.

Any of that sound familiar? I hope not, but I’m guessing if we dig deep enough, we’ll find it.

And that’s ok. Having a story that holds you back doesn’t say anything about you other than you are human, and your journey is still ongoing. Probably one of the greatest outcomes of owning your own story is that you’ll truly come to understand how little of a story you need to be at peace with yourself.

Once you know yourself, have made peace with yourself and have given yourself the gift of your own story, you’ll find a different you looking back in the mirror. Someone who you can live with, and be at peace with.

If I could ask of you one thing today, I would ask you to begin to understand your story. You don’t have to share it with anybody, and you don’t have to try and change it.

Just start with knowing who you are, and the story you tell yourself about yourself.

And then ask yourself how much of that is really true.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings