Morning Reflection: Owning yourself is the greatest freedom

Owning yourself is the greatest freedom.

Over and over I ask people this question, and they seem shocked when they realize they can’t clearly express their reply…

When did you give up ownership of your opinion of yourself?

I think many of us live this way, and some are aware and struggle to overcome it, and a few succeed. From birth, we are surrounded by the opinions of others. As we grow, the opinions of those closest to us are of paramount important as we form our self identity, our opinion of ourselves. 

As we move through the teenage years, there should be a transition to a ‘self-identity’ based on our own understanding of ourselves, our own judgment. 

Not that we necessarily know all that there is to know about who we are, but as we grow through those formative years, there should come a point when we are secure in the knowledge and judgment of ourselves so that the opinions of others become less relevant.

But often, far too often, this doesn’t happen. Especially those who grow up in a childhood of expectations where their ‘value’ as a person is directly tied to the ‘social status’ of a parent who needs their child to ‘be’ something, in order to gain a sense of accomplishment or value from the actions of their children.

The unfortunate people who grow up in these situations endeavour to find their own sense of self, and will often carry deep identity wounds. 

They will struggle later in life to break free of the programming that was unconsciously wired into them by a well meaning but unaware parent, who just did not understand what their expectations were doing to their children.

Do you find yourself at the mercy of the opinions of others? Are you confident in your own value, so that you can withstand the judgment of those who would attempt to tell you who you are?

If you find that other people can make you feel badly about yourself, then you have, at some time, given over ownership of your identity to others, and are probably suffering at the lack of your own strong self opinion. 

If this is you, I invite you to meditate today on the events in the past where the forceful opinions or actions of someone in your life created in you an uncertainty as to your own worth. Then, try to understand why that person may have acted that way. 

As you become more aware of the influences on your own opinion, you can begin to give a different meaning to the past, and find your way into a more kind, gentle and self-affirming future.

Taking back your worth, through a more certain opinion of who you are, is a wonderful step on the pathway to peace.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Life is beautiful

Life is beautiful.

But I’ll tell you what it isn’t. It’s never simple. It’s never so simple that you don’t have to think about it. It’s never so calm that you don’t have to hold on.

Real life is messy. If it’s not, you’re wasting it. Life is terror and joy; panic and victory. There’s clutter, and chaos, and moments of beautiful harmony where the notes all play together and the melody becomes clear.

Until it fades again into random noise, and the light dims, and once again you’re searching in the darkness trying to make sense of what just happened, and all of what could be.

There’s pain and pleasure, silence and thunder, eternities and instants, all wrapped up in a sequence of events where you can’t remember the start, and you have no idea where or if there is ever an ending.

You’ll love, lose, care and feel like you’ve never known, and you’ll know heartache, heartbreak and loss.

The times that you think you know what’s happening next are the times where you’ll stand amazed, and the times when you are lost, you’ll find a light in the darkness to show you the way home.

There will be days when you will never sleep, and days when all you want to do is fade out. You will find people who treat you better than you could ever hope, and those who will treat you like you never would.

In the midst of the struggle you will find the strength you never knew existed, and in the midst of the calm you will experience the thrill of knowing that you survived another storm.

This life is a game, and there are days where you win, and days where you lose. Times when the only way is up, and times when you are so raised up that you’ll never see how you could come down.

We spend far too much of our energy focusing on the problems, and far too little seeing all the beauty, majesty, wonder and kindness in the world.

The secret of life is simple to learn, but so hard to master.

Be grateful, be a healer, be the person you know you can despite all that says you can’t. Don’t give in to hatred, don’t give into fear. Don’t be afraid of your strength, and don’t worry about your weaknesses. We all have them. It’s what makes us human.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, your life is a precious gift. Who cares if it’s not what you thought; it’s better than it could be.

Please stop wasting time being anyone other than you. Be you. 100%. Live, laugh, love, care, cry, console, commiserate, scream, shout. Just be the very best you that you can.

And most of all be kind.

Now run, and remember.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: What were you born to do?

What were you born to do?

If there has been one question that I have struggled with in my life, it’s that one. Was I born just to live, love, grow old and experience that which life has to offer? 

There was a time in my younger years when that was enough, but as I have grown older, and become more aware of who I am, I have felt the irresistible pull of the highest of our 6 human needs.

I have felt a deep, overwhelming desire to contribute, and make a difference in the world. This work, these reflections, is part of that desire to share the things I have learned in the hope that I might lessen the suffering of others. 

I heard once that your life begins on the day you find out why you are here, and I completely agree with that statement. 

So I would ask you – why are you here, and how do you know when you have found your purpose?

Why is purpose important? Because purpose brings its own magic, its own power and a sense of serving something greater than yourself. When you find your purpose, the universe seems to align, and opportunities and knowledge flow towards you.

I had the chance once to sit down with an older lady who was crying profusely, and talk with her about her problems. She opened up to me, and shared the deepest concerns of her heart.

In the space of about 45 minutes, we were able to help her find a truth in her own mind which gave her a direction that had eluded her for over 20 years. Although the solution to her problem was hard, she found a strength in that truth that supported her, and gave her the courage to do what she knew she must.

I cannot tell you to this day how I knew the right things to say to her to help her. I believe it was my purpose coming out in me, and allowing me to be a conduit for knowledge and healing.

When I act in accordance with my purpose, there is such a sense of alignment with the universe that I find it hard to contain my joy. Watching people grow into themselves and find a greater sense of peace and happiness is a humbling thrill that never gets old. 

Indeed, it is becoming an addiction that I feel will be with me until my last breath.

If you have never seriously considered your purpose, I would beg you to start now. I believe with all my heart that each of us has something of good to offer to the rest of humanity, and that becoming a more purpose centered people will lift us to the heights of which we are capable.

When you find your purpose, all of your previous experiences will be seen anew, as lessons you had to learn to bring you to the place where you can serve today. 

Find your purpose; live it, love it, and lose yourself in it. 

And you will have joy.

-- Dr.Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Certainty is the refuge of the fearful

Certainty is the refuge of the fearful.

Each of us try to live in the balance of gratitude and desire. Being grateful does not mean you do not desire certain events or things, and desiring things does not mean that you are not grateful for what you have or what has already occurred.

The balance between the two is a careful dance, and sometimes that balance is over-ridden by a need that is desperately unbalanced. The greatest disruptor of balance that I have found is fear.

Fear can be our guide, our guardian and our protector, but when it overpowers us, then fear becomes our prosecutor, our punisher and our tormentor.

In my coaching, I have found that those who are the most fearful tend to crave certainty. This desperate desire for things to turn out the way they are expected or wanted is nothing more than a wish to avoid the potential pain that uncertainty could bring.

Those who crave certainty will often accept a painful certain now, rather than risk a potentially painful future, because the presence of hope brings with it the risk of disaster.

So they take refuge in certainty, even in misery, to avoid the pain that possibility brings.

A need for certainty can show itself in expectations that are unspoken, in a desire to always be right no matter the situation, and often in a refusal to listen to or consider another’s point of view.

Pitied be those who live in dogma, for they fear the possibility of a new frontier.

When you come across people who are desperate for certainty, I would ask you to look beyond their initial behavior, and try to go deeper to see what fear they are attempting to assuage. 

Maybe it is the need to be right to avoid feeling inferior, or the need to be loved to avoid a sense of loneliness and despair.

Truthfully, they who need certainty are often those who desperately need a sense of themselves greater than the fears that they manifest. Theirs is an existence of unhappiness and unbalanced emotions that prevents them from finding wonder in the new, and joy in the possibility on their journey.

Certainty is their drug, their hope, and their prison.

Treat them with kindness, and invite them to step beyond the walls of their fears.

Welcome them into the light.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The quality of your relationships depends upon your vulnerability

The quality of your relationships depends upon your vulnerability.

The quality of your life is dependent upon the quality of your relationships. As one of our 6 human needs is connection, the ability to connect deeply with another human being is essential. Connection gives value to our lives, and helps us in the creation of our personality, our security and our humanity.

More and more these days we see people forming superficial realationships. As we grow in our ability to communicate with many, it seems that we are deeply connected to so few.

And we as a species, a society, and as individuals, are suffering for it.

The key to deeper relationships seems to be our willingness to allow ourselves to be vulnerable with others. But vulnerability is scary, and so many of us practice a form of relationship where we share some, but not all, of the truths of our hearts. Fear of judgment, of misunderstanding and of ridicule prevent us from truly opening ourselves to another.

But only when we are truly vulnerable can we let another get close enough to us that our relationship can grow. All of us have our weaknesses, our jealousies, our insecurities, but so many of us hide these in the darkness, and bring them not into the light of friendship.

True friendship does not judge; it observes. True friendship does not ridicule; it embraces. True friendship does not treat lightly the wounds of another’s soul; it binds up those wounds with understanding, compassion and loyalty.

Today, I invite you to share deeper in your relationships. Tell those you trust how you are really feeling, what you are really afraid of, what you really hope to become.

Go deeper in your relationships, and you will find a greater abundance of peace in your soul as you walk your journey in the company of good, kind and loyal friends.

For there is nothing greater in the destruction of fear than the light of friendship shining from one who is compassionate.

Let that light cleanse your soul, and drive out the darkness that plagues you.

Be that light, and receive that light.

And glow.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Soul cleanse

Soul cleanse.

There are times I feel weighed down by all the responsibilities in my life. The fact that many of them are self assumed makes no difference. I am a husband, a father, a son-in-law, a brother-in-law, an uncle, a Doctor, a teacher, a friend. 

To some I am a ‘wise man’ (whatever that means) and for some I am an inspiration. I am honored to fulfill all these roles, although often I struggle to do each of them justice.

It’s a lot to carry, and sometimes I find myself being weighed down with all that I feel I should be accomplishing. Do you ever feel this way? My guess is that I am not alone.

I think we all feel overwhelmed sometimes with the pressures of life. 

This weekend for Mother’s Day, my wife and I went for a drive again into the mountains. Even though the road was a little slick from rain, and the sky was at times overcast, I still experienced that feeling of relief when, for just a little while, my responsibilities were reduced to just driving a car, and admiring the majesty of the river, the pine trees, the sky, the mountains, the snow and the quiet.

During one rainstorm, we exited the car, and I felt the simple joy of rain pouring down on me. The moment for me was like a soul cleanse, and I felt lighter, more at peace, and more firmly planted on my journey. 

It was like the rain was washing away both the pressures of my life, and also the build up on my soul. Gone were the insecurities that cause me to doubt, the comparisons that make me feel less than I can be, the judgments that cause separation from those around me, and the selfishness that makes me hold back when I could give more of myself in service to others.

For a brief time, I felt like the world was simply there for me to experience and share. In wonder, I saw the mist through the mountains; in awe I saw the majesty of the pine trees; in rapture I listened to the river; and in peace I marveled at the simple beauty of life.

I returned at the end of the day to my normal life, which isn’t ‘normal’ at all. That’s the real beauty of a soul-cleanse…it helps you to see the things around you that are miraculous and beautiful.

I saw with a soul washed clean of fears and doubts.

I saw in wonder.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The balance of my soul

The balance of my soul.

This one is personal, but I hope you’ll forgive me, because there is a reflection in here I promise :)

The picture that accompanies my words today was taken a couple of weeks ago, and has become probably my favorite picture of my wife.

We were out for the evening together, and I took this picture because I had one of those moments where it was hard to express how truly, madly, deeply and completely I felt love for her.

In over 20 years of marriage, our relationship has grown deeper every year. Every so often, I look back at how I thought I loved her in the past, and it seems like it was incomplete.

Every time my love for her increases, I find a new level of appreciation, a more resonant desire to be in her presence, and a stronger commitment to do all in my power to make her happy. I can’t explain the comfort I find in my soul when she is near me.

She is an amazing mother to our 2 wonderful children. They truly love her. It is an awe inspiring sight to see your 19 year old son walk up to his mother in the kitchen and demand a hug that lasts for a long time, just because he loves her.

My 17 year old texts her throughout the day, because he wants to feel connected to her. I gaze in wonder as I see them talking to her, sharing their thoughts and asking her advice.

They, and I, love her with a depth of feeling that I think she struggles to realize.

Because all she sees is her imperfections.

Truly, she is not perfect. She has her flaws, her weaknesses, her fears, her sense of inadequacy and her fear of disappointing people, but these are so small when compared to her strengths, her capabilities, and her kindness.

If I asked her to describe herself, she would struggle to use words that were positive.

She is the person who balances my soul, lifts me when I am down, helps me make sense of my struggles, and who has believed in me when I had lost all sense of belief in myself.

She has saved me from my doubts, and had the courage to take us both in a direction that filled me full of doubt, and her full of confidence. In doing so, she probably saved my life, and gave me the freedom to become the writer of these reflections.

If all you see in the mirror are your imperfections, please think about this woman. Her name is Holly.

She is the center of my universe and all she sees are her flaws, her troubles, her blemishes. I see so much more in her than she can understand.

If you cannot see your value, please allow someone else to see who you really are, and believe them when they tell you so.

Happy Mother's Day sweetheart. I love you.

-- Alan
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Until you make peace with yourself, everyone else owns a piece of your happiness

Until you make peace with yourself, everyone else owns a piece of your happiness.

I used to think that I attracted those who had been emotionally impacted, or to use another word – damaged. Wherever I go, I seem to find people who have been hurt, abused, scarred and mistreated. They share their stories, and I weep to see the pain that they carry inside.

Over time, I came to understand that it wasn’t that I attract those people, it’s that there are LOT of them out there, and I was just paying attention. 

Pain and struggle are not the burden of the few, rather they are the hallmark of what it means to be human. No life is without trial. It can manifest in different ways, different agonies, a different flavor of hell, but the truth is that we all experience it at some point.

But I think one of the saddest wounds I see time and time again is the damage inflicted, often unknowingly, by a parent who fails to realize the impact of their behavior on a child.

Growing up is hard, and a child who is not afforded the freedom to grow into the person they truly are with acceptance can spend the rest of their life in depression because of who they are not, and despair because of who they think they have become.

When you are not at peace with yourself, this leaves you at the mercy of everyone else’s opinions. The thoughts of those who do not fully know you or understand you can be devastating to your sense of self, leaving you bruised, bleeding and broken emotionally.

The person who knows themselves fully, and has accepted their strengths, their weakness, their history and their future is the person who is at peace, because the opinions of others can no longer impact their sense of who they are. 

These are they who are calm in the face of criticism, because their self opinion is not longer at the mercy of others.

This is a difficult process, that takes time, desire, a willingness to rise after falling and often the help of good people who will tell you the truth with compassion, kindness and honesty.

Although it is a simple concept, it is hard to work through, but it can be done. On the other side of that storm is a peace that surprises all who discover it. 

When you make peace with yourself, no one owns your happiness, but you.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Kindness is the new sexy

Kindness is the new sexy.

Have you ever met someone who was physically attractive, but mentally and emotionally they were the last person you could ever see yourself with? 

Maybe it was the way they talked or laughed. Maybe it was their political persuasion, or their choice of profanity in their communication, or their sense of humor.

Whatever the reason, you realized that even though this person met your definition of attractive by their physical form, the soul inside the substance was never going to work for you. The Lego will never fit together, and you knew that nothing could make it work.

We’ve all been there.

Many years ago, the women in the office I practiced in asked me to look through a magazine claiming to rank the ‘sexiest women’ of the year. They wanted to know who I thought was attractive. I went page by page, giving my honest opinion. 

At the end of the magazine, one of the women made an interesting observation. Apparently, all the women I identified as attractive had one thing in common.

They had a kind smile.

I’ve wondered about that over the years since, and realized a powerful truth. The most unattractive people I have ever encountered also had one thing in common – a lack of kindness.

Why is kindness sexy? Kindness is the highest human behavior. Kindness occurs when we give away our own concerns, and embody the spirit of love as we treat another consciousness in a way that recognizes their worth.

When I observe someone who is kind, I know there will also be a touch of humility, a sense of service, a current of compassion and some seasoning to the soul. People who are kind are, in my experience, more willing to listen, to grow, to uplift, and to embrace.

To me, kindness is the greatest sign of a mind that is awakened, aware, beautiful and benevolent. The soul possessed of kindness promises progression, peace, introspection and wisdom.

No matter how ‘perfect’ the physique, if the soul lacks kindness, then the person is shallow.

Today, I invite you to practice kindness, and see how attractive you can become.

-- Dr.  Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: If I can’t say it with kindness, better not to say it at all

If I can’t say it with kindness, better not to say it at all. 

Yesterday I managed to do something that’s very hard for me. Something that I have been practicing for years, and occasionally manage to get right.

I said nothing.

Anyone who I have coached, or who has heard me speak in public, or even who just knows me on a casual basis, will tell you that I’m either very quiet, or I’m speaking a mile a minute. I love to discuss ideas, concepts, philosophies and paradigms. I asked a lot of questions as a child, and that has not changed.

Yesterday I was in a group setting, when the subject of addictions came up. That’s always a topic that I have strong opinions on, and usually I’m ready to voice those opinions forcefully. 

As someone who grew up in an alcoholic home, and whose own addiction with food nearly killed me, I have spent years trying to understand the nature of behavior and addiction. I have come to have more compassion for those addicted, and to see the addiction as a symptom of pain, not as a weakness of character.

The group yesterday contained a range of opinions; some that seemed very judgmental and accusatory to those who struggle with addiction. Their judgment, and seeming lack of compassion and kindness, struck a nerve in me, and I felt a strong desire to engage with the people expressing those opinions. 

But I didn’t.

Because truthfully, at that point, I was doing exactly the same thing that they were doing. I was judging, and feeling less than compassionate toward them. 

In the heat of the moment I felt that my opinion, based on 30 years of studying self awareness and a Doctoral degree in a healthcare discipline, was superior to theirs. I’m saddened to admit that, but honestly, that’s how it felt.

My desire to ‘enlighten them’ was not coming from a place of kindness, or a desire to find the ‘balance of forces’ that I have previously written about. I just wanted to show them why they were wrong. My ego wanted to be right.

Judgment, it seems, is one of my personal addictions.

So I chose the path of silence, and others in the group were able to voice some of the opinions that I wished to share. They did it in a way that was more balanced, and probably more kind, than I would have done, and for that I am grateful.

Painful experience has taught me that when I feel like I am ‘right’, I have a tendency to neglect kindness, and that, for me, is a far greater failing.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Celebrate Joy

Celebrate Joy

This weekend I was blessed to attend 2 graduation ceremonies at our local university. I had friends graduating in both ceremonies, and I loved the chance to be in the arena, to feel of the energy, the love and the optimism.

As each graduate was announced, cheers and screams burst forth from family, friends and probably complete strangers. It was that kind of an event. Yes there was decorum at the start, and structure and respect as befitting the institution of education, and the ideals for which it stands.

But when it came to the individuals, it was time to celebrate with abandon.

And I’ve realized that we don’t do that enough. Graduating college is a fantastic achievement, made possible many hours of hard work, struggle and tears. It’s a huge moment, where dreams turn into reality, and the doorway to the future swings open, full of promise and possibility.

But we don’t need to wait for monumental occasions to take time out to celebrate. We need to do that in the small victories, the quiet moments, the times when we overcome a weakness, break through a fear and recognize our worth.

Those are moments that deserve a celebration as well.

Today, I want to invite you to find a reason to celebrate. It doesn’t have to be something large; it’s almost better if it’s something small that you can overdo the celebration of. 

Look at it as a chance to teach yourself how to celebrate. 

Maybe put on some music, dance when no one can see you, eat something you want, buy something that you would like and can afford.

You are worth celebrating. I spent so many years of my life failing to celebrate small victories because I thought it wasn’t worth it unless it was something enormous that I could be happy about. 

Don’t waste your time like that. Work hard, then celebrate harder.

In time, you can train yourself to achieve more than you thought possible, by knowing that there is a celebration just around the corner.

Celebrate you, celebrate joy, celebrate friendship, celebrate life.

And believe.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Giving yourself permission to be human

Giving yourself permission to be human.

A dear friend reached out to me yesterday to share some important breakthroughs that we have been helping her achieve. 

For a significant time now, she has been struggling to understand some facets of her personality and emotions that were difficult to explain, and even harder to work through.

As we talked, she shared some very tough emotions, and some long hidden truths. I was so gratified to be able to be present at a time when she was making such a leap forward on her journey, and humbled and honored by the trust that she placed in me by sharing such personal experiences.

As we finished talking, she indicated to me that she wanted to go and bake some brownies. She laughed, and told me that she realized that would be emotional eating and so she wasn’t going to do that. 

I think I surprised her when I told her that the brownies were a great idea, and that she should reward herself for the breakthroughs that she had made. The brownies were made, and apparently were very good.

It helped me reflect on the truth that sometimes we try so hard to be ‘everything’ at once that we overwhelm ourselves, and end up losing ground on all of our struggles. 

Eating brownies, even for emotional reasons, is not the end of the world. Emotionally, my friend was exhausted, and needed a pick me up as well as a celebration.

Why do we struggle sometimes to extend to ourselves the kindness that we offer to others? Why do we labor under the mistaken belief that we have to be perfect in order to have any value? Who taught us that perfection was the only state worthy of the love and affection of another?

Today, I ask you to find love for yourself, and an acceptance of who you are. I doubt you are perfect, but I am sure that if we were to talk, one with another, I could find many good things about you that would be worth celebrating.

You have value, and are worthy of love, just by showing up as a human being. Remember that we are human beings, not humans finished. 

All of us are on the same journey, and wherever you are on that road, whatever you have been through, you have my respect and admiration. 

I am grateful for your presence on this earth, and for the goodness you manifest. 

Celebrate yourself. You’re worth it.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The way I see others tells me about myself

The way I see others tells me about myself.

For years, I struggled with being extremely judgmental. Not only with people I knew, but with random strangers, and occasional acquaintances. Not that I would verbalize these judgments, but they were there in the back of my mind. 

Almost always these judgments were negative, either assigning people as lower than me so I could feel superior, or believing that they were better than me, reinforcing my secret wound that I was inferior. This was not something I was necessarily aware of; it was something that was occurring deep in my mind, away from immediate examination.

I have mediated rather frequently recently on how judgment creates a statement about someone’s worth or value, while observation and discernment note the same characteristics or actions, but without any inference of value for the person.

As I have worked through my journey of self awareness, I have come to realize that the behaviors I judge in others are often ones that I find abhorrent in myself. In this way, I found a new understanding to parts of my soul that were causing me pain.

The more you dislike yourself, the more you will dislike those around you. The more you judge others for being human, the more you can understand the human frailties in you that frustrate you.

Conversely, the more you come to love and accept yourself as having value and worth, the more you will see that in the people with whom you interact and associate. You will find yourself possessed of a deeper compassion for those around you, even those who frustrate you.

Now, instead of judging the person who stands with a sign on a street corner with derision and scorn, I find myself having compassion, wondering how they came to be at that place, and asking myself what it would really take to make a long lasting change for them. I find myself with greater patience for those who do not treat me with kindness, desiring to understand how I can lift them through our interactions.

This has not come easy, and I still have a long way to go, but I am encouraged by the changes I am making and seeing in myself. 

I seek a future where I am filled with understanding, compassion, kindness, patience and ultimately peace. 

The way you judge others is a pathway to understanding your own feelings, and ultimately it can help you find peace within your soul, if you desire it.

--  Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The chasm between knowing and feeling

The chasm between knowing and feeling.

Have you ever known that what you were feeling was not how you should be reacting, but you felt powerless to change or control it?

My guess is that you have been there; I think we all have. 

Anyone who has any amount of self awareness comes one day to the knowledge that their reactions, their unconsidered emotions, are not necessarily in alignment with how they could be. Then they start down that long road of trying to understand why.

I had an experience a few weeks ago that gave me a different perspective on this problem that I share today in the hopes that it may be of some benefit.

An event occurred in my life, one that was explainable with a myriad of reasons. A person acted towards me in a certain way, and although I could have interpreted their behavior differently, at my core I felt very sad and rejected.

While I felt this sadness envelop me, I was also aware that this event could mean something completely different but no matter how hard I tried, I seemed unable to shake the feelings that plagued me.

After a very long and sleepless night, I decided to abandon trying to change the feelings, and instead tried to understand where they came from, and why I couldn’t set them down and walk free of them. 

I knew that my knowledge and feelings were out of alignment, but I needed to know why.

After much reflection, I stumbled upon the understanding that I was viewing these events through one of my ‘soul-wounds’, which is a way of describing a deep and painful emotional scar that pervades the mind and affects the way we think and behave. 

In this case, the actions of the other person resonated with my wound, which essentially is a belief that I am not worthy of good things happening to me. I was unable to ‘walk away from the feeling’ because we often find it easier to accept a bad certainty now, than to risk hope that could turn into pain in the future.

My wound became the lens through which the event was viewed and my certainty need was pushing me to accept a painful emotion now, to protect me in the future.

Eventually, after this understanding came to me, I was able to allow the emotions to wash over me, and fall from me. It took time, but understanding why helped me to find a way through the darkness.

If you are struggling to cross the chasm between knowing and feeling, I invite you to accept the feelings, and instead of trying to change them right now, seek to understand their genesis.

Awareness and understanding are the first steps on the road to peace.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: What do you see reflected in the darkness when there is no light?

Q: What do you see reflected in the darkness when there is no light?

A: I see the light of the vision I carry within.

Of all creatures on this beautiful earth, we as people are blessed not only with sentience, but the ability to imagine. To imagine is to pierce the veil of time, and entwine our desires with the possibilities of tomorrow. 

Imagination allows us to see the potential beauty in untouched stone, the possible grandeur of an unpainted canvas, and the promise of a new born child to become a wise leader bringing guidance and peace to those who will listen.

But sometimes, imagination is not enough of itself. Sometimes we have to wed imagination to passion, potential to power and possibility to determination.

In order to achieve our greatest potential, we need to go beyond imagination, and seek a vision to guide us when there is no light, and to give direction to our decisions in the darkness.

Seeking a vision requires deep meditation, yet sometimes a vision will find you. Not in images, but in feelings, in certainty, and in emotion. When it arrives, it breaks down the walls of your doubt, and sets your feet on a pathway towards your dreams and your destiny.

When your vision is woven through your soul, it will become more powerful than you can imagine. Hearts will change, obstacles will remove, power will be yours in abundance and you will feel like you have become a passenger, carried along on a wave of purpose that lifts you as you lift others.

Embrace your vision, and let it light you from within. When finally you see the pathway before you, you will realize that you have always known these steps, and are remembering a dance not forgotten, just misplaced for a season.

In a universe of chaos, your vision will guide you, empower you, engage you and envelop you. A vision that can change you can change the world.

You have this power, if only you will see in vision your own possibility.

Find your vision, wrap your soul in its warmth, and move forwards forever on your journey.

So I ask, what do you see?

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Amazing is the new normal

Amazing is the new normal.

If you could see where your life is now, from when you were 5 years old, how amazed would you be? Would you consider it magical?

The lives we live today are blessed beyond understanding. We live at a time where our health is better than ever, our communications and access to information is faster than it has ever been, and where our quality of life has a greater potential than many of us would have ever thought possible.

And still people, including me, seem possessed by a quiet yet pervasive need to ‘over-produce’ their lives. An invitation to a dance is now an event in itself. A meal with family is not complete without Tweets, Instagrams, YouTube videos and Facebook sharing. A wedding turns into a production to rival a Hollywood movie of years past. In our need to over-do anything, we are losing our appreciation of everything.

When I was 5 years old, if you had shown me that I would be able to share my thoughts with people all around the world from my own home, I would have marveled at the technology and considered my life to be wonderful. 

If I had known that I could access millions of songs, and hundreds of thousands of books within an instant, I would have been amazed, and desperate to enjoy that life.

Now, I find myself taking it for granted.

In a world full of wonders, we have lost our sense of the wonderful, and we allow the ever rising apex of what is possible to denigrate our appreciation of what we can do.

How can I regain my sense of wonder and appreciation for ‘the normal and the everyday’? I believe for me it starts by slowing down and focusing in the moment on what I do have, what I can do. Focusing on the service I can give today brings me into the moment and reduces my interest in the possible and onto that which is performable.

Life is miraculous, fragile, beautiful, fleeting and wonderful.

May we try to find a greater peace in the everyday, and worry less about what we see in our newsfeeds.

Life, in all of its majesty, comes down to the quality of our relationships, not the quantity of those who observe us from afar.

Today, I invite you to focus on the everyday, and find wonder.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Trying to be good, and failing dismally

Trying to be good, and failing dismally.

Of all the emotions that we are capable of as human beings, one of my least favorite is gloating. I think there is nothing more disheartening than to see someone feeling superior at their interpretation of someone else’s inferiority, or someone else’s tragedy.

And I hate it most of all when I see that emotion surface in myself. 

This is a hard reflection to write, but I feel that if I don’t, I won’t be being honest with you.

I have 3 people in my life who have been anti-heroes for me. Their actions, words and attitudes have created pain and discomfort in my life, and I struggle profoundly with extending to them the forgiveness and compassion that I wish to.

Yesterday I came across a news article that reported an event that I am sure caused one of those people great pain and heartache. A child of this person committed acts that were shameful, cruel, despicable and reprehensible. 

Especially given who this person is, and their desire to be admired by others, the actions of their adult child must have been incredibly difficult to endure, and cast a shadow over their carefully cultivated image. 

And for a short period of time, I am sad to say, I took pleasure in knowing this. I am not proud of that emotion.

My gloating was in short time displaced by a sense of grieving for those who were hurt by the circumstances that were reported, but I cannot deny that for a brief while, I felt vindicated in my unkind emotions towards this person who caused me pain so many years ago.

Sometimes the reflections of ourselves are not those we would like to see.

I know where these feelings come from, and what they mean for me. They indicate that I still have a long journey ahead of me in my desire to become the peacemaker I believe I was born to be.

I am encouraged though, because even during the small time I was gloating, I at least knew it was out of alignment with my ideals. The voice of my better self was working on me, allowing me to examine the reflection of the feelings I was experiencing, and carefully, kindly and quietly inviting me to be the better person.

The truth is that we are all on a journey, and no matter where we are, we all stumble. The good news is that as we pick ourselves up, we can apologize, learn, grow and overcome the parts of our nature that prevent us from being all that we can be.

Thank you for all of your comments and kindness as I have shared these reflections. Your words have touched me, moved me and edified me. You are helping me become a better person, and for that I am eternally grateful.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: When loving is the hardest thing

When loving is the hardest thing.

If there is one constant through the majority of the world’s wisdom literature, it is the necessity of love. Love transforms, love sustains, love refines. Love brings meaning to our relationships, and sanctifies our soul in the service of others.

But love is not always easy.

I have a good friend who struggles greatly with loving a niece of hers. The niece, a young girl, is not an easy fit for the family she was born into, and is a great challenge for my friend to love. 

The niece’s behavior is suggestive of deeply unmet needs of significance and connection, and also some selfishness, which in itself is not unexpected in a young girl of her age. 

My friend finds this young niece very difficult to love, and her body language, her tone of voice, and her reactions can leave the young niece in no doubt of my friend’s feelings towards her.

So why does my friend struggle to love this child? Truthfully, she struggles to love herself. Therefore she is unconsciously focused on her own needs within the relationship, and her niece’s behavior annoys and frustrates her (because it violates my friend’s significance and certainty needs). 

She is unable to let go of how this child makes her feel, and instead love the child for who she is rather than how she behaves.

We all struggle with this to some degree. I know I do.

This creates a problem in that my friend’s actions create a barrier to her being able to influence her niece, who has needs of her own. This young girl, who has obvious needs for significance and connection, cannot help but feel derision, dislike and disdain from her aunt. 

This creates negative feelings towards her aunt, and the whole relationship becomes one continual circle of struggle and rejection.

All for the lack of love.

When my friend is able to love herself more, she will become less reactive to the behavior of her niece, and hopefully will become more loving and accepting of her niece, regardless of how her niece chooses to act. 

In time, as the niece slowly realizes that she is loved for who she is and not how she behaves (which will meet her needs of love and connection), she will naturally become more receptive to the love which her aunt will feel, and the relationship will progress. 

The niece will become more open and willing to listen to the suggestions of her aunt, and both can have their needs met, and create a bond that will last forever.

All because of the presence of love.

Today I beg you, with all the energy I posses, to start your journey of self acceptance and self love. 

There is no telling how many hearts you might heal in addition to your own.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The very first reflection

The very first reflection.

I was meditating today on the most fundamental changes that I have ever seen in people. I have helped people lose weight, I have helped others overcome fears, repair relationships, find clarity and even helped a wonderful woman make a change that she had been putting off for almost 30 years that massively affected her life.

But the greatest changes I have ever seen, are those moments when someone takes their first step inwards. This work is titled reflections because if we are really to journey towards peace, kindness, compassion and love, we have to start with the person we see in the mirror.

It is far too easy to be focused away from ourselves. The world has many things upon which we can shower judgment. The cruelty of life, the foolishness of others, the meanness of the petty and the stupidity of those with whom we do not agree.

I used to spend too many days bemoaning my fate to a universe that did not respond, and blaming any and everyone for my unhappiness.

Eventually, if you are granted enough time, you will finally reach the understanding that the only influence you really have, is on yourself.

With a heavy heart, and with fear and doubt, you turn your focus inward. The outer world becomes quieter, as the actions of others pale in comparison with your own. Those who frustrated you before become less important, as you realize how much you frustrate yourself. The actions of others bother you less, as you become more concerned with how you treat others, rather than how they treat you.

If you are able to find a way to create a peace within, you will then return to a world far different from the one you left.

You will find a greater compassion, replacing scorn. You will discover a deeper kindness, replacing your once shallow disdain. If you are very lucky, you will find a never ending wellspring of love replacing a previous chalice of hatred.

The journey through your own soul, starting with the very first reflection of yourself, is the greatest, most painful, most rewarding and hardest endeavor you can undertake.

But the prize of knowing yourself fully, and liking who you find, is the greatest treasure you can ever receive.

Know yourself, with compassion, and you will have a greater measure of peace than you could have ever thought possible.

It all starts with the first reflection.

A reflection of you.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: One limiting belief can scar a lifetime

One limiting belief can scar a lifetime.

Yesterday I wrote about how I find it difficult to face my soul in silence and how we sometimes adopt beliefs that are not in our best interests, but that we never realize are damaging us.

Today I will share a very personal example, in the hope that it might help you on your journey of self discovery.

For as long as I can remember, I have had a very difficult time asking for money, even though I have earned it. This has plagued me for many years, and has caused so much difficulty and sadness, especially working as a doctor in a small practice.

This, in turn, has caused heartache within my marriage. I was unable to explain to anyone, especially myself, why this was so hard for me. It was only through deep personal meditation, and many, many hours of self reflection that I was able to uncover the belief and the event that caused it.

When I was somewhere around 10 years old, one experience changed my life in a minute or two. We were living in a rented house, and due to my Father’s drinking were unable to pay the rent. One afternoon a bailiff knocked on the door, and confronted my Mom about the unpaid rent. I specifically remember him asking her for the money, and the look in her eyes when she said she didn’t have it.

I remember his scorn and lack of compassion when he told her she had two weeks to come up with the money or we would be evicted. I will never forget the tears streaming down her face, as she closed the door, and walked back into the kitchen weeping and trembling. I will also never forget how helpless I felt, seeing my Mom in so much pain, and being unable to make her feel better.

At that moment, my soul was burned with the belief that asking people for money created the same pain in them that it did to my Mom, and somewhere deep in my subconscious I vowed to never be that man who could cause someone that pain.

In one decision, in a state of intense pain, a limiting belief was formed which to this day haunts me. While the upper portions of my brain can realize the misunderstanding, the lower, deeper, older portions of my brain, where feeling is stored, still feels the decision and reacts accordingly.

This is but one of the limiting beliefs that I carry, and try to break free from every day.

If there is something in your life that you do, but cannot explain, I implore you to search deeply within your soul to uncover the trauma that created a belief which haunts you.

It will not be comfortable, because it is likely shrouded in pain and misery. It will not be easy, because the event that precipitated its creation is often buried in a dark and lonely corner of your mind.

Uncovering the trauma, and realizing the limiting belief that haunts you, is the first step on the road to peace, but that is a long road, and rarely is the passage an easy one.

It is my deepest desire to serve you along your way.

--Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings