Morning Reflection: Taking an Inventory of your Identity

Taking an Inventory of your Identity.

The frustration was evident in her voice, and her eyes blazed at me. While we worked on a house project this last weekend, my wife was getting more and more annoyed as what started out a small problem seemed to be getting larger the further we went along. Finally in a moment of anger, she turned to me and justified her frustration in one vehement statement.

“Well, I’m Randall’s daughter, so it’s got to be perfect”. 

Then she just glared at me for a moment, like that one statement was going to be the end of the discussion. Of course, those of you who’ve been following this work for a while know that I just love hearing definition statements from people, especially when it seems to ‘justify’ a negative emotion that they are feeling. 

So I took a deep breath, smiled at her and said “No, you are Holly. You just happen to be Randall’s daughter”.

And then I waited to see if I had done the right thing.:)

If you’d ever met Randall, my Father-in-law, you would have known three things about him. Firstly, he was one of the most brilliantly capable people you would ever meet. He worked in the nuclear program; he worked on top secret projects, some of which we still don’t talk about. 

There was nothing mechanical, electrical or chemical that he couldn’t understand, fix, or make better. Second, he was a truly compassionate person; a ‘good man’ who lead by quiet example. Third, he was kind of a perfectionist when it came to anything around the house, so doing anything for him could be somewhat of a fun challenge. 

So when we were having a hard time matching the wallpaper we were hanging, Holly’s reaction was to become anxious, expecting that someone was going to gently make her aware of how there was a ‘better way’ to do something, thereby making her feel like she ‘wasn’t good enough’ (even though my Father-in-law never, ever said that or intended that. He just wanted to show you how to do it the best way possible).

As the glare faded from her eyes, she looked at me with an almost pleading look, and said something like “well, it’s what I’m used to”. 

We talked about it for a few minutes, discussing how she could maybe think about things differently, and then continued our project to a successful (although not microscopically perfect) conclusion.

My intention in replying to her in the way that I did was to help her see that she was carrying a definition of herself that no longer served her. Yes, she is Randall’s daughter, she always will be, but she can change the definition of what it means to her identity to be his daughter. 

She doesn’t have to be locked into a pattern of thoughts and behavior that was not lifting her up to all that she can experience.

Knowing him for the amazing man that he was, he would never want her to feel this way; he only ever wanted to help people do things the best way they could.

And it got me to thinking, how many of us are carrying around a component of our identity that doesn’t serve us, but instead holds us back? 

What part of who you are is no longer needed or relevant, and could be laid down at the side of the road? Who could you be if you gave up all the false definitions that you carry in your heart, and instead be the loving, giving person that I believe you are?

I invite you to inventory your identity, and clear out the old, to make way for the new.

Your future is calling.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The power in your purpose

The power in your purpose.

What do you want to be when you grow up? I used to get asked this question a lot as a young child, I’m sure we all did. I’ve even asked it of my children in the past. 

Now I ask a different question, one that hopefully expands their horizons and give them a glimpse of what is possible on their journey through mortality.

“What do you think your purpose is for being here?”

It’s kind of fun to ask this of children, because the answer sometimes will surprise you, and move you in unimaginable ways. But more importantly, it encourages the child to understand that life can be more than just an experience, more than a roller coaster of good and bad times. 

A purpose allows us to look beyond who we are, and all that we suffer, and creates within us a different meaning for all that occurs in our lives. It can change the way we think about time, relationships and ultimately every experience that we have.

Purpose is that powerful, but only if we know what it is.

For a time in my life I lived without a significant sense of purpose. I could serve my wife and family, but that didn’t feel like all I was here to do. These were blessings rather than a sense of purpose. 

While I labored every day with a strong sense of why I was here, every negative experience seemed magnified in a tableau of suffering that had no meaning.

And from that I learned a powerful truth. Having a purpose gives both a perspective and a meaning to suffering.

At 45 years old, I began to glimpse what I thought my purpose was, not in some sudden burst of blinding intuition like in a movie, but by taking hesitating steps forward into a world I felt uncomfortable in. 

Step by step, moving from the light into the darkness, I felt my way forward, not even knowing where I was going, but with faith in my heart that there was a reason for all that I had been through.

Now at 47 years, I think I may be finding a clearer path.

And the funny thing is, once you find that path, you’ll realize all along what those strange experiences meant. Why was writing a review of a music video in 1986 so memorable? 

What was 8 year old me trying to achieve with a typewriter, typing frantically with two fingers writing a book that thankfully never made it past the first page? 

Why do I feel so comfortable speaking in front of people, when in my personal life I crave silence, solitude and a space in which to write and think.

As I continue down this pathway now, I invite the universe to meet me along the way, bringing with it the people, the resources, the guidance and the assistance that I need as I align myself more completely with why it is I am here.

In the words from one of my favorite movies, “But if you make yourself more than just a man, if you devote yourself to an ideal, and if they can't stop you, then you become something else entirely.”

My purpose is to become the greatest expression of whatever gifts I was given or have picked up along the way.

I am a healer of the body and magnifier of the soul.

And now I would ask of you…. Why are you here?

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: I will not be your mirror

I will not be your mirror.

Twice in the last week I have unintentionally provoked someone to the point where they reacted to me with intensely negative emotions. Anger, rage, hatred and probably intense loathing. 

The interesting factor in both occurrences was that I did not intentionally set out to cause this reaction, and to be honest the reactions that came out were a little surprising to me.

And I think my reactions were surprising to them.

In each situation I stayed very calm, and did not respond in kind. Maybe it was frustrating for them to have me act that way, I don’t know. But after having years of training in keeping myself controlled, I can withstand a fair amount of provocation and remain calm. 

It also helped to realize that in each case, I really don’t think the person was really reacting to me. I think they were already angry, hurting, frustrated and desperate to release some of that painful negative energy, and I just happened to push the wrong button at the wrong time. 

I was a convenient target, and so I got the brunt of their feelings. It happens. :)

The longer I work to help people, both as a Doctor and as a Coach. I am reminded time and time again that the person who is angry is in pain. 

It may be physical, it may be emotional, and sometimes it is a combination of the two, but in all cases, when someone reacts with anger to a stimulus that was not directed at them, I can guarantee that their wounds are deep, painful and significant.

And it’s not about me.

The further I progress on my journey of peace through self awareness, I find that the more balanced and open I am with myself, the less I react to those around me. It is as if a quiet calm has suffused my soul, and I am able to see more clearly the reasons behind the painful reactions of others.

The hard part about this is that it requires me to extend the same level of understanding to others as I do to myself, and conversely the same level of understanding to myself as I do to others. I think the latter is actually more challenging. 

But it is vital that I do the work for myself, so that I can be calm and not react to their intense reactions. Meeting anger with anger only serves to further isolate everyone, and perpetuate the painful patterns of existence that cause so much suffering in the world today.

In meeting anger with calm, hatred with love, rejection with acceptance and contention with compassion, I hope I can be a conduit to bring people to a greater knowledge of themselves, and find the calm stillness that they seem to be without.

There are so many people in this world who are hurting. I discover more and more of them each day, and sometimes I despair at the amount of work in front of us. Starting with ourselves and then sharing that light from within to others. One by one, moment to moment. Helping, loving, restoring, empowering.

I knew that healing the world wouldn’t be easy, but I hadn’t realized it could be so hard.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: “Get some sleep, tomorrow is going to be amazing”

“Get some sleep, tomorrow is going to be amazing”.

It seemed a weird thing to hear in my own head, this random thought from the middle of nowhere. Why was tomorrow going to be amazing? I had a 12 hour day for work, which is not unusual. 

Yes I was seeing some wonderful friends (all my patients are friends as far as I’m concerned) and the day didn’t look to be super stressful. But I couldn’t figure out what was going to make it amazing.

But somehow it was.

I awoke feeling positive, which is not my usual state upon awakening. I felt like the world was a better place somehow. Kinder, more aware, more enlightened. I felt a greater love for my wife and children, and a greater desire to serve with whatever gifts I have been given. I decided that I was going to see with different eyes today.

And so I looked for things that were amazing, and I found them everywhere.

It was amazing that I was alive, given some of the dumb things I have done in my life. It was amazing that the technology in my phone that woke me up was unheard of just a few short years ago. 

It was truly incredible that my car contains and controls the power of a thousand explosions a second to allow me to travel faster and easier than I ever could otherwise.

And the realizations just kept on coming.

I realized that the thousands of people who I drove with on the freeway were all able to get where they were going without hitting and hurting each other. When you think about it, that’s incredible. 

When I got to work, I was able to leverage even more technology to coordinate and control the actions of the day. As a child I would imagine such capability, and wonder if I would ever see the day where it was possible. 

I realized that I am living in a time that the childhood me could only wonder and dream of.

And then as I worked with patients, I came to marvel again at this wondrous form we call the human body. Its ability to function, to act, to heal, and to heal others. Our hands, that can help, console and bind up the wounds of others. 

Our eyes that see 24 frames a second, and the brain that makes sense of that data, creating a three dimensional structure replete with content, context and chronology. 

Our hearts that beat without a single thought, the blood which exchanges oxygen and other gases. The senses that allow us to make sense of the world in which we get to learn, grow and evolve.

All of this, that I have taken for granted, came into focus in one glorious day. I understood like I’ve never done before the inestimable blessings that surround me every day, and to which I had seemingly been blind.

Until I decided to see. One decision, one thought, one life changed.

I pray you can find this change too.

Because it’s amazing.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Observation is not judgment

Observation is not judgment.

Were you a hot mess during your teenage years? I know I was. I was so unsure of who I was, where I was going, whether or not I had any value…the list goes on and on. 

I was so hyper sensitive that if you tried to point out something to me that could in any way be taken as a judgment against me, I jumped all over it. I must have been difficult to be around.

I think a lot of us can relate to that.

But hopefully, as we get older, we mellow a little, and learn to hear words from others as an observation devoid of judgment, and can grow from the experience. 

Unfortunately, from time to time, I find people well past their teenage years who still persist in taking the simplest observation and turning it into a personal attack on themselves. This makes it hard for them to be around anyone.

I believe they are this way because they carry a little secret that they really don’t want anyone to know. In my experience, the people who have the hardest time believing that you are not judging them have that difficulty because they spend so much of their time judging others. 

They can’t believe that you could be non-judgmental, because they don’t believe that people like that really exist. All they’ve ever known is the soul crushing feelings of inferiority that they carry, and the ever present desire to judge others so that they might feel better about themselves.

And the real sadness is that these are often the people who really could grow and find a happier moment of being if they would actually listen and learn from the observations that kind, caring and non-judgmental people have for them. 

But they shy away, scared to allow sunlight to reach into their darkness and bring peace into the chaos, and healing to the wounds that they carry with them.

And they remain trapped in their wilderness of recrimination, until someone manages to help them make that jump out of the darkness.

But there are also those in this world who have made peace with themselves. People who are able to hear the observations, and possibly even the judgments, of others without feeling a wound on their soul. 

These are not people who have reached a point where they have no feelings of inferiority, but they have instead reached an understanding within their soul of who they really are, and are no longer at the mercy of others, or even themselves.

The difference between those who react to everything and those who take offense at nothing comes down to one world. 

Acceptance. 

Simply that. When you accept who you are, all of your faults and strengths, you find that the judgments of other no longer affect you in the same way. Inside your heart is a statement of who you are, but also who you are becoming.

The best way I know to move beyond the opinions of others is to be at peace with yourself, so that yours is the only opinion that matters.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The power of your dreams

The power of your dreams.

For what do you dream? In the quiet corners of your mind, what are the fervent hopes that keep you warm in the coldest nights, and your heart light in the darkest days? 

If I were to tell you my dreams, you would probably think I was mad, hopelessly delusional and in need of a good therapist. You might well be right, but I’ll tell you one thing about my dreams.

They move me.

Yes my dreams are outlandish, and probably have no basis in rational thought or fact. But isn’t that the point of dreams in the first place? Your dreams should make you awaken with a strong mixture of trepidation and exhilaration, fearful of the possibility of failure, yet alive with the prospect of achievement.

On the days where the universe seems to stand in your way, bring you to your knees and try to convince you that you’ll never get what you want, your dreams can be the power that helps you rise again, with the conviction that nothing is certain, and that the closing chapters of your story have yet to be written, by you.

For who knows what the universe has in store for you. If you had said that I would be where I am in life today, I can tell you that every one of my high school teachers would have laughed at you; not with you, but at you. 

At 18 years old I was a mess, more likely to be a probable felon than to achieve any kind of normal life. They would have told you that the odds were very much against me.

But because I dreamed I was more than they ever gave me credit for, I became more than they ever would have imagined of me. 

Married for almost 22 years, a Doctor, and hopefully a good father and a kind man of peace. When my weaknesses cried out, and seemed determined to destroy my hopes in a confirmation of all that people thought of me, I instead listened to the hopes inside of me, and tried to behave as if I were the person I dreamed I could become.

And that has made all the difference.

Truthfully, your dreams can be a statement of definition of who you are, and a guidance for your soul in the chaos that is our irrational universe. Who cares if they seem impossible. Who are you to decide what is possible in a universe that makes no rational sense? 

When time is not what you think it is, when reality itself is composed of things that we cannot understand or explain, why do you put your faith in the negative voices that seek to chain you to your fears, instead of the whispers that call you to the greatest things you can imagine.

My friend, I am here to ask you to believe me when I tell you that this is a magical universe, and that your dreams are your navigation system through this wonder we call life. 

If you will but lay aside your fears, open your heart and let your deepest dreams guide you, then you may find yourself one day awakening in a world far different to the one where you believed that nothing could work out for you.

Your meditation for today is simple. 

"Make reality your dream".

And believe.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: What does it mean to you?

What does it mean to you?

Of all the questions I ask people, this is probably the one that gets me the most annoyed responses. It’s not that I ask it in a mean way (I try to avoid that) or that the question is difficult to understand (it really isn’t). 

People get upset because when I ask them this question I am usually trying to move them from an ‘orbital emotion’, and into a directional, or a ‘vectored emotion’.

Ok, sorry… that probably needs an explanation.

An orbital emotion is one that just goes round and around. Like a satellite in orbit, it never really goes anywhere, it just does the same thing over and over, never progressing, never changing. It probably gets you some kind of need fulfillment, but you don’t grow from it. 

A ‘vectored emotion’ is one that has a direction, and technically a speed as well. It gets you somewhere, but it often requires effort to get you there. You can grow from it if you handle it correctly, but chances are in the short term it’s going to be hard going.

When I ask the question above, it’s usually because the person I’m talking to is doing orbits in either the emotion of anger, or the emotion of sadness. Not that either of these are necessarily bad, but they are response emotions, which do not get us to the heart of the problem. 

Think about it for a minute, and tell me if I’m wrong.

You never get angry without some emotion precipitating the anger. Maybe it’s a feeling of being disrespected, or mistreated, or devalued, or even physical pain. There is always an interpretation of a stimulus, creating an emotion, that you then get angry about.

It’s the same with sadness. In the absence of mental illness, sadness requires some kind of stimulus to provoke it. Maybe it’s grief at the breakup of a relationship where you feel like you have been torn from all that you knew by the acts of another. 

Maybe it’s at the passing of years that you will never get back (loss again) and the bitter taste of regret (so a sense of failure).

However we get there, the orbital emotions are not of themselves bad unless we stop there. Anger or sadness are signs that we need to go deeper, and find the real meaning behind that emotion.

Unfortunately, going deeper is a direction, and that usually requires effort and often the acceptance of some pain for a while, until we can find a new balance to our emotions.

And sometimes when I ask the question, I know it’s going to annoy the person, but I feel that it’s necessary to break them out of their current orbit. 

Staying in orbit will never get you the answers you seek. Eventually you’ve got to come down to earth, spend some time in your deeper self, and truly face what hurt you, and deal with it.

And that hurts.

But it’s the only way you’ll ever move beyond where you are right now.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Take what you want, leave what you don’t

Take what you want, leave what you don’t.

Do you live your life, or do you live the one others want you to live? That might seem like a strange question, but the longer I work with people both in my practice as a healer, and in my work as a coach, I find more and more that people are living the lives they think they should live, rather than the lives that they would live if they were truly at peace within themselves.

I still struggle with this daily.

I listen to very diverse voices in my search to discover and live a life of wisdom my way. I watch very little television. I read, I don’t play video games.

I try to listen to many different sources, often people who are diametrically opposed to whatever point of view I have at the moment, because how can I find the truth if all I ever hear are the same words that I already feel. 

When it comes right down to it, there is one truth that I can believe with absolute sincerity. No-one, especially me, has a monopoly on the truth. 

From the religious and the spiritual, the political and the anarchical, the supposed ‘wise-people’ and the apparently foolish; all have something they can teach me if I am open to learning, rather than concentrating on judging.

But my truth, with all its inconsistencies, inadequacies and paradoxes, is my truth right now. My greatest mentor taught me a truth when I was in my very early years. “Always keep an open mind” he said, “try to see things from another’s point of view”.

But then live your truth as best you see it, not as others want it to be.

There are times when I am writing or corresponding with people regarding this work, that I feel I have to say something that I feel is the truth, even though some of you, or the person I am corresponding with, may not agree. I honestly believe this is how we find truth for ourselves. 

We talk, we listen to viewpoints from others who are honestly trying to find the truth of any situation for themselves, and we take away an understanding or where our truths intersect, and where they diverge. 

Such is the nature of communication between two or more people. I always try to assume that the person has an honest desire to find the truth and be as helpful as they can be given all that they carry within them.

I guess it comes down to giving someone the benefit of the doubt for their intentions, even if you may not agree with their interpretation.

As I continue with this work, wherever it may lead us, I pray that you will find some nuggets of wisdom along the way. I really do desire to serve people through this work, even if only to help you realize that there are others who struggle as you do, that your problems are often universal and not personal. That we are so much more alike than we are different.

Along with the occasional nugget of wisdom, you may find things which do not resonate with your truth. That’s ok, in fact it is healthy, and to be expected. I would implore you to take what works for you, and leave what doesn’t.

My goal is that you live your truth, your life, your way, and find peace doing so. I believe deep in my heart that the only way to heal our world is by each one of us finding peace in our heart, and then helping others achieve peace in theirs.

Thank you for being a part of this journey. I really appreciate you.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Either love them for who they are, or let them go

Either love them for who they are, or let them go.

I’ve been meditating a lot this week on the value of the human soul, and the belief prevalent in many cultures that we can progress to become more. 

Enlightened, exalted, however you want to look at it, there seems to be a common thread running through the spiritual conceptual matrix which suggests that we are not yet in our final form; that we have further to go, greater things to become.

And I have come to understand that this attitude creates a prevailing thought that seems to create so much pain for people. The idea that we must ‘become more’ in order to ‘be enough’.

And I grieve because I see so many people who love someone, yet want them to become something or someone else. 

Being loved without conditions, expectations, rules, regulations, considerations and obligations is one of the greatest blessings that you can ever extend to someone. This is why the love of a parent for a child is so important. 

Yes the parent may know more than the child, and yes, the child needs to learn from the parent, but if the parent places qualifications on the love given to the child based on the child’s achievements and outcomes, and especially as an adult, that child will inevitably spend the rest of their earthly journey feeling that they need to be someone else’s definition of acceptable.

In my view, such a relationship is a tragedy. 

If you really want to change someone, then you have to start by respecting them enough to not change them. Every one of us has the divine spark of awareness, and in my experience, people are much more likely to reach out for advice to someone who has unconditionally accepted them previously.

Please understand me; this is a hard thing. I daily, even sometimes hourly, find myself struggling with the desire to change another human being. When this happens, I remind myself that desiring their change is in effect to devalue their being. Who am I to know what is best for them? 

Yes there are times when I see a pathway that might offer them greater happiness, but if I am offering them that view because of how I think they SHOULD be, then the interaction is about me, not about helping them.

Sometimes I find myself desiring the change in others who are close to me because of the impact it will have on my life, and I try to lovingly help myself realize that to ask someone to be or live a certain way because of how it will make me feel is a violation of one of my core values, which is that I must respect everyone at the same level I would respect myself.

When I am able to withdraw my own needs, wants and desires from any interaction that I have with someone, I find I am able to reach out in love, honesty and with a true desire to respect and assist them. 

I have found that people respond much better to a lack of judgment coupled with a fervent desire to truly help them become what THEY want to be.

Today, I invite you to look into your relationships, and if you are unable to love someone without desiring their change, I implore you to do the work on your own soul so that you can treat others with the respect they deserve.

Only when you abandon your own needs can you truly accept the divinity in another.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Sometimes, all you can do is listen

Sometimes, all you can do is listen.

Have you ever met one of those people that you just can’t seem to get through to? As a Doctor, a healer, a coach and a friend, this is probably the most frustrating and soul maddening experiences I come across. 

My life’s work, my mission, my passion and my obsession is to help people, and when I can’t do that, it just eats me up inside.

Because there are some people who are so locked into their own ‘story’ that they are never, ever, going to change. For a few it seems to be a true pathology, almost a genetic predisposition; but for some it is a submission to the never ending storms that have characterized their lives.

Please understand, I don’t judge these people for where they are, for some have been through worse hells than I can ever imagine. I am consistently in awe of the power and nobility of the human spirit to rise up again and again after taking hits that I honestly don’t know if I could handle.

But I also see people who have believed the falsehoods found in the friction of life, and now live their life day to day in a never ending quest to stay where they are, and live in a constant attitude of complaint, negativity and sadness. 

For them, the certainty of a known agony is safer than the possible future destruction of a hopeful potentiality. 

And while I would love to help them step into the light, I have come to realize that there are people who are just not ready, and may never be so. For some it is because they are too old, and have spent too many years locked into their own world definition to want to change now. 

For some, the burden of accepting the responsibility for their own happiness is too great, and they would rather ‘outsource their sentience’ so they always have someone to blame.

As I meet and work with these kinds of people, I have come to the understanding that the only way that I can serve them, after having tried to offer solutions, is to listen to them, and validate their existence. 

That doesn’t mean I validate their story, because I am strongly opposed to supporting pathological toxic psychologies, but I can give them the gift of my attention and my love.

When we notice another human being, and spend some of our precious time in an effort to connect with their soul, we are in essence making the statement that they have a value and that they are worthy of our notice.

For certain people, that means more than you can ever imagine.

Today, I invite you to reach out to someone, and let them know that you notice them. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, just maybe a text, an email, a phone call or heaven forbid, a handwritten letter.

Give the gift of notice. It might change someone’s world.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: You have to be your own hero

You have to be your own hero.

I think it’s natural as a child to have heroes. When we are weak, frail, vulnerable and uncertain there is a great comfort in having someone who is strong, powerful, seemingly immortal and certain. We look for champions in a world that is dark, unforgiving and terrifying. 

Our heroes stand in front of us, ready to shield us from all that life has to bring; from that which we see and those things we don’t even know about yet.

Heroes, champions, defenders, avengers. They stand apart, and we wait for them to save us.

Your hero may be one of physical combat, or of spiritual guidance. They may be a fighter, trained for years in the arts of war, or they may be a wordsmith, who can move emotional mountains with an epistle; create options with an opinion and create illumination with their imagination.

Whoever your hero is, I can guarantee you one thing. They are not your answer.

If you want a life you can be happy with, one that mingles meaning with madness and reason with responsibility, then there will have to come a moment when you let go of the hand of your hero, and with fear in your heart stand alone to battle the trials that you face.

And standing and withstanding, realizing the truth of your own power, you go on to become your own hero.

As you embark on your own ‘Hero’s Journey’ you realize that the hero is not the one who never falls, but is the one who always stands back up. Regardless of the blow, they return again to the fight. 

Wiser, with a more determined spirit, and with greater knowledge of the battle they face, they continue on through their journey, forging themselves as well as the pathway they are creating.

And over time, your trust in yourself becomes the power that flows through your veins, strengthening all that you do and feel. As you become more authentic, comfortable in your own life and your own opinions, you find less of a need to engage in conflict, and a greater desire to find peace in the world around you.

When you understand all that you can withstand, and have the calm assurance in your soul that you are capable of all that you need to be, your presence is calming, your words soothing and your attention is uplifting.

When you are fully aware of the change you can be in the world, with all that you are capable of, you will act as your own hero, and lift others as well as yourself.

All this is within you, awaiting the day, when you decide to let it out.

And be free.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Faltering footsteps

Faltering footsteps.

Do you ever feel lost? Not just the “I have no idea where I am but I know if I keep driving I’ll eventually hit the freeway” kind of lost. I’m talking about the “I can’t see where I should step next, and I don’t even know where I am going’ kind of lost.

The kind of lost where you just don’t know where to start.

I’ve always been the kind of person who wanted to see the entire pathway before I even got started. My ‘need-addiction’ is certainty (or for want of a better word, security) so I have always been slow to start a new journey until I could see how it was all going to work out. 

That seemed like a good, safe strategy. Until I realized that in not taking any pathway I couldn’t fully see meant that I never chose a pathway at all. I just stayed where I was.

And that was killing me.

So I started a new path. From that new path other possibilities followed, until I found myself chasing in many different directions, with new possibilities around every corner. 

Suddenly there was a strange form of security in continually choosing different pathways, never having to follow one too closely. Always another option, another path, another avoidance, another escape.

It was then that I realized that although I was moving, I was still not progressing. In fact, I was using the constant motion as a security against failure, for never coming to the end meant I could never fail at that thing, because I would change direction whenever something became hard, and the potential for failure reared its ugly head. 

And so I waited too long to move, and then moved in a thousand directions, none of them coherent, none of them specific, none of them leading to somewhere that I wanted to be.

And that was when I figured out just how lost I really was.

So now I’m trying to find my road. The pathway not only of peace, but of purpose, of passion, of presence, and of progression. This work is a step on that pathway, but I don’t know where it is going. I only know that I am on a path, and I’m trying to find my way into my purpose.

I know it is to help, to inspire, to lift burdens, to make hearts lighter, and to align all of what small gifts I have been given into a course of action that will hopefully bring me joy, and finally, after all these years, a small measure of peace.

It is said that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, so here I am. Faltering footsteps through a path I do not understand, cannot see, and can only hope is in front of me.

In explaining this today, I hope to help you realize that our paths are rarely, if ever, laid straight out in front of us. Very few of us ‘have it all together’. Most of us are trying to find our way, and hoping that we are on the right one.

May you find peace and purpose on your journey, today and always.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The case for compassion

The case for compassion.

Have you ever been hurt? No necessarily in a physical sense, although that can be extremely painful, but in an emotional way; deep enough that it didn’t just ruin your day, but scarred your soul, changing how you think, act, react and belong.

If you have, I’m sorry. We’ve probably all been there, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept or get through.

Even though the wound heals, the scar that we live with can still be very painful.

And sometimes we cover that painful scar with shame and self judgment. We restrict access to that part of our soul, never allowing anyone, including and especially ourselves, to see, hear, touch or heal that part of us that is damaged.

At first we may not understand how it affects us, but over time we adopt patterns of protective behavior that unintentionally inflicts damage on ourselves and those around us.

And we never look upon the scar, because the darkness, the chaos, the pain and possibly the self loathing is too great. Alone and unassisted, we are anchored to a reality in the past, that drags on our today, and prevents us from embracing all that tomorrow has to offer.

Until someone comes along who can help us move beyond the way we see ourselves now.

Opening up to that person is so hard. Afraid of judgment, frightened of opinions and scared of condemnation we try for so long to run from that which we know will inevitably catch us.

At some point, we have to be completely open with a person who can help us to heal from the inside, if only we can trust them.

And this is where compassion comes in. If the person to whom we are talking judges us in any way, we are most likely to shut down, close our hearts and pull away from the conversation that we so desperately need.

When what we feel from the other person is understanding, non-judgment, a true desire to help and the willingness to be there in spite of all our weaknesses, then we can open our hearts.

With compassion to uphold us we can begin the difficult process of cleaning out the scars that hold us back from enjoying a life that is truly our own, truly engaging, and truly free.

If you are struggling to find someone with that compassion, I would ask you to please keep searching. We are out here, and truly desire to help you lay down your burdens and grow into happiness.

If you are someone who is helping someone else, I would implore you to do the work necessary on your own soul so that you may approach each person you meet with a heart full of compassion and a desire to serve from your soul.

With compassion, we can carry another’s burdens and allow them to fly free.

As we are all meant to do.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Feeling so guilty for walking away

Feeling so guilty for walking away.

I only met him for a few minutes. The circumstances of his location were less than ideal; cold, loud, the smell of industrial disinfectant mixed with sadness, fear and loneliness. He looked at me with deep sadness in his eyes, and a begging, pleading look on his face. 

I only spoke one word to him, but his response showed me that he knew exactly what I meant, and for a moment, we connected.

And then I walked away and I’ve been regretting it ever since.

I should never be allowed into an animal shelter. We got my first dog when I was 5, and she lived until I was in my middle to late teens. She was my friend, my confidant, my partner in crime. I loved that dog probably more than most of my extended family. 

We had her put to sleep after she had gone blind, and I cried more than I can ever remember. We laid her to rest in our back yard. My dad was probably out drinking, so I got to bury her. A dark memory that still hurts decades later.

So when I met this dog at the shelter, I was haunted by that connection. There was so much of me that wanted to rescue him, and yet I didn’t. My wife, who has been scared of dogs all her life, had even given me the ok to take him home. 

In truth, I was scared to. Scared of how fast I could come to care for a dog I realistically knew nothing about. I was projecting onto him all the love and feelings I had for a good friend who had been there through some fairly rough times in my growing years. 

But he wasn’t the same dog, and I knew that I could end up having to return him if his temperament wasn’t right, and I couldn’t face that. Plus with most of us gone all day, the poor dog would be on his own for a good chunk of each day. All good reasons, all bad excuses.

So I played it safe, and walked out feeling like the worst kind of person.

It’s been 2 weeks, and I’ve thought about that dog every day. Imagined him sitting at my feet, running in fields, going for rides in the car, playing with my sons. Yeah, he’s been on my mind a lot. And every day or so I’ve been checking the website for the shelter, and he was still there. 

Until today, when he wasn’t.

I hope the family that adopted him treats him well. I hope there are long walks, treats, a warm blanket and a loving family in store for him. May he live out his years in love, compassion and belonging.

If you’re wondering where the reflection for today is, it’s simply this. Fear can rob you of the most wonderful experiences of your life, if you let it. I did, and now I get to wonder forever if he really was the good boy he seemed to be in that shelter.

His name was Diesel. He could have been ours.

Don’t make my mistakes. Don’t allow fear to control you.

Just love, and believe.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: This world isn’t what you think it is

This world isn’t what you think it is.

I saw a picture yesterday of Albert Einstein giving a lecture in 1922 on the Theory of Relativity. I can’t imagine how those people felt, listening to this man who they knew to be one of the greatest geniuses the world has ever seen. 

In teaching them about relativity, he was taking their current worldview and allowing them to see that there was a much greater, deeper, richer and more complex universe available to them than they had ever imagined.

Sometimes, that can be a tough pill to swallow.

I’ve been doing that recently with a coaching client. This brave new friend has amazed me with her insight, wisdom, courage and tenacity. She has been willing to look deep into her story and find the ‘truths’ in her life that have failed to serve her. 

This has been painful, yet she has persisted and continues to expand her awareness of herself and her place in the universe.

As we met this week, she had followed through on an assignment to consider 5 truths (or stories) in her life that might not be exactly the way that she thinks they are. Again I was impressed by her willingness to go deep and bring out the hard truths, not something light and fluffy. 

As we picked apart each of these stories and the assumptions that were an intrinsic part of her acceptance of that truth, we began to uncover an interesting statistic.

That 80% of these ‘truths’ that contributed to her worldview were not truths at all – they were merely one way of looking at a situation that fit too neatly with some of the stories she had already been taught to believe by a world that had not treated her kindly.

As our coaching time drew to a close, I gave her an assignment that rocked her back in her chair a little. I reminded her that since 80% of what was holding her back seemed to be false, and yet she was prepared to accept it as real, then maybe it was time to look at some ‘truths’ that she could accept that would support her, empower her and bring her greater light and happiness, even though she wasn’t sure she believed in them right now.

She looked at me like I was crazy. I get that a lot. :)

One of my mentors put it like this. If you are going to believe a bunch of things that aren’t true, then why not believe things that empower you and make you happy. 

In my experience, the ‘lies’ that we don’t want to accept about ourselves are usually the things that can bring us happiness when we understand who we really are, and accept our place and potential in this universe. 

We would rather accept a lie that demeans us, than accept a truth that uplifts us.

Wherever you are on your journey today, I invite you to start a process of examination to see what ‘truths’ in your life may not be the sure foundation that you think they are. 

You might come to realize that a lot of the stories you tell yourself about the world around you are merely a misunderstanding, and that the reality of who you are is more powerful, more radiant, and more ennobling than you are comfortable admitting.

See yourself anew, and become who you already are.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: 100% you

100% you.

There is nothing more dangerous than the lies that we’ve told ourselves. The ones that we don’t even realize aren’t true, because we’ve believed them for so long that we’ve never questioned a single thing about them. 

They live just out of sight in the corner of your eye, coloring your view of the world and its people. Changing the music of your soul, muting it, restricting your contribution to the world and everyone in it.

For me, that lie is “they won’t like me if I’m truly myself”.

I can’t remember how old I was when I first realized that I was different. Definitely by age 8. I didn’t think like other kids. They seemed so much more confident than I felt. They were whole, I was broken, defective, unwanted and unworthy. 

They behaved without caring about the consequences, whereas I tried to understand all the future ramifications of a single action, seeking the timelines that spread across the fabric of the universe, like never ending ripples on an eternal glass topped ocean. I was not like them.

And because I was different, I began to turn down my volume.

I learned to hide away the parts of me that made others uncomfortable and to look away from them, instead of allowing my soul to burn through my intense gaze. I began to withhold the truths I could see in front of me, especially the ones that made others uncomfortable. 

I tried to show the world a calmer, more pleasant, less intense, more quiet, less vibrant and definitely less powerful version of who I could be.

In truth, I began to live a lie, that I was the same. Don’t stand out, don’t risk ridicule, stay safe in the shadows of a quiet life, avoiding censure and pain by blending with the crowd.

The years flew by, and I played the game, continuing to be what I thought they wanted. The ‘good man’, the civilized person, the reliable player in the game. Obedient, agreeable, docile.

And then I woke up. 

I realized that years had passed by, and I had not really been the person I was born to be. I was not striving, failing, rising, succeeding, becoming, changing, helping and serving at the level I was capable of. I realized in one moment the truth of the lie which had held me. I didn’t need to worry about them not liking me if I was myself. 

I needed to worry about not liking myself if I wasn’t completely, authentically and honestly me.

Because in the darkest hours, when the burdens pile on, and the faithless friends have gone, there is one constant that never leaves, never rests and never ever takes a moment’s break. When the night comes, the demons surround and all light seems to have flown, there is one thing you absolutely must have if you are going to pick yourself up and fight the battle.

You need to have faith in yourself, and the only way you can truly believe in yourself is if you have brought everything you have to bring into the world. 

Power aligned with passion and purpose, intensity bound with intention, creativity coupled with compassion and strength suffused with sobriety.

Whoever you are today, be you. 100%. Forget those who will revile you, they are not your friends. Dismiss those who demean you, for they will never stand with you in the darkness. Avail yourself of all your power, and serve at a level hitherto unknown and disbelieved.

Become who you really are. Show the world the truth of your soul. 

And you will find peace in your heart as you come to like yourself.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Life in the realm of questions

Life in the realm of questions.

When we begin as children, we know little. As we start to grow, we are ‘educated’ in the things of the world, and we form ideas, opinions, concepts and viewpoints. 

In our attempt to make sense of the crazy world in which we find ourselves, we take our limited experience, and package it into a nice little worldview that makes us happy in its simple, sincere and singular applications.

As teenagers, we seem to filter out all the truths that would challenge our view of how things ‘are/should be’ and we become the all knowing, all powerful demigods who believe we are omniscient, and express our frustrations with a world that would ‘be much better’ if only it would listen to us. We stand supreme on the sure rock of all that we know about life and its meanings.

And then adulthood begins.

Slowly, time after time, our understanding of the world becomes chipped away, as we thrust forward our theories of how things should be, only to find the sword of our truth blunted on the stone of how things actually are. 

Piece by piece, we reach a new understanding with this experience we call reality, and we come to understand that we really know very little.

Then, in humility and often in painful circumstances, the learning really begins.

It has been said before that in life we take the test, and then learn the material afterwards, but I believe life is less forgiving than that. I believe that we take the test, and then life allows us time to try to figure out what the questions actually were. 

All of us seek for answers, because we like to feel that we are on the ‘right path’, but in my 47 years I have come to believe that the path is really a continuum of continual questions. For each answer spawns new questions, each solution is a single expression of a spectrum and every certainty is the gateway to a new unreality.

My role is to get comfortable with having questions.

If you find yourself struggling in a sea of uncertainty, I invite you today to accept that you will never know all of the answers. The very wisest people I know are those who know a few things, and are willing to discover new questions to guide them along their path.

If you have questions, it means you are moving, and this is a very good thing.

Author’s note: I have found in the past that when I really struggle to write a reflection, it means that someone needed this message specifically. I don’t know who you are, but this one took almost 2 hours to finally appear, so I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone in your universe of questions.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: How do you know if you are any good?

How do you know if you are any good?

I think most of us at some time in our lives struggle with the concept of our personal value. Am I a good person; do I bring anything of value to humanity; do people like me for who I really am; will I be missed when I am gone?

The truly sad part is that we often fall into the trap of trying to ascertain our sense of worth by how we match up to others, and by what others think of us.

When coaching with a client, I try to understand what I call their ‘judgment susceptibility’. That is the percentage of their personal opinions (especially of themselves) that are based in the views of others. 

Unless you have a diagnosable mental illness (psychopath, sociopath, narcissist) we all take the opinions of others into account, but for us to be healthy, the predominant opinion that shapes our self value has to be our own.

Which is a real problem if our opinion of ourselves is not good.

A good friend of mine struggles with this a great deal. As a child, she had a domineering mother with a very forceful personality, and felt a significant need to ‘be’ the person her mother wanted her to be. 

Even though my friend’s mother is a good person, the pressure she inadvertently placed on my friend created a feeling of ‘never being good enough’ that still persists in her heart and soul to this day.

This ‘negative self opinion’ creates within my friend a susceptibility to perceive anything positive in the life of someone else as a judgment against her, reinforcing her ‘self belief’ that she is of little or no worth. 

This is a terrible state to live your life in, as it can seem that the entire world exists primarily to point of your deficiencies, inadequacies and lack of value.

Can you imagine how difficult a life that can be to lead?

The only way I know to bring someone out of that negative self opinion is to help them achieve things that they can take a sense of value from. While I ultimately try to help them see that they have value just by being a sentient consciousness, I find that it is necessary for them to achieve a stable good opinion of themselves before they can ultimately move into a enlightening awareness of who they really are.

So if you ever feel bad about yourself, I invite you to change your opinion by deciding on something that you CAN do, that you believe has value, and then set about DOING it. 

Even something small can ignite a fire in your soul as you begin to understand the truth about yourself that has long been hidden from view.

A good opinion of yourself can only come from respecting yourself, and self respect comes when we do the things that we feel are worthy of respect. You can’t talk yourself into a good self opinion. That comes from doing, and being.

Be you. You might be surprised how wonderful you are. :)

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Why do we want?

Why do we want?

My son gave me permission to write this after we just shared a moonlight conversation on our back patio, and I really wanted to reflect on the truths we shared, and then share them with you.

He is a serious Lego collector, not just someone who plays with Lego, but a creator, a curator, a designer, an artist. He brings to life the most wonderful things, because he is able to see in his beautiful mind images and concepts that most of us can’t, and never will. He’s that gifted.

Yesterday he spent $100 of his savings buying a huge Lego kit of a Saturn 5 rocket. It stands over 3 feet tall, and is beyond incredible to see and handle. I was overjoyed to see him obtain something that truly moved him, and hoped he would find joy in it. 

But within a few hours, he was already planning his next purchase.

As he explained to my wife Holly his goals for the next acquisition, I looked at him in puzzlement, and asked him truthfully, “you just got something amazing, but now you are onto your next purchase…. Where does it end?”. 

He stopped, looked at me and turned away. I was concerned that I might have been too forthright, but I felt it was the right thing to ask.

He retired to the back patio, sitting under the moonlight. I gave him a few minutes, and then pulled up a chair next to him. I wanted to make sure that I hadn’t hurt his feelings, and was ready to apologize if I had been harsh. He looked at me, and simply asked one question…

“Why do we want?”

I knew at that moment that no apology was needed, because in his own wonderful, inspiring and absolutely brilliant way he had moved to the heart of the question. Not for him was the solace of self pity over my poorly chosen words, or the refuge of anger at what could have been taken as a personal attack. 

He did what he does so many times, going to the very heart of the problem with a deep desire to understand and grow beyond.

And so a conversation ensued. I explained that we ‘want’ to fulfill a need that we may not understand that we have. We discussed our needs for certainty, variety, significance, love/connection, growth and contribution. In a conversation lasting approximately 45 minutes we went deep into our hearts as we shared profoundly powerful, deeply intimate truths of our soul.

I explained that the goal of the Buddha was to reach personal enlightenment, and find within himself a peace that eliminated want, by having his needs either balanced or rendered irrelevant by his depth of understanding and perspective. 

I shared with my son my desire to strive eternally for that peace, and to find myself not wanting, not expecting, not transacting, but to live in state of profound gratitude for the blessing of being. Not being something, but intensely thankful just to be.

He listened, he understood, he shared wise counsel with me, and I learned from him. I am so blessed to have a son who is a wiser, kinder, more humble, more serving and more giving person than I think I will ever be. He is my guide and my compass. 

I often think to myself “how would Jared handle this”, and then I try to do that. It’s never steered me wrong.

I may be his father, he may be my son, but in the spiritual realm I am his student, and he is my teacher.

And I am so grateful for him.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Leaving Home

Leaving Home.

Where do you live? It seems a simple question, yet the answer may be more difficult than you can imagine.

When patients in my office ask me where I live, I tell them the name of the city. When they ask where I’m from, I start with the country of my birth, and then explain where the town I was born in is. But for all of that geography, the answer is wrong.

We may reside in a place, but we actually live in our minds, and most especially in our ‘emotional home’.

Your emotional home is really the state of emotion that feels most normal to you, and which you are always trying to “get back to”. That instinct is so strong that it can distort how you see the world around you and how you interpret the actions of others.

Have you ever met that person who for some reason always finds a way to get angry? No matter how carefully you talk to them, how much effort you put into not upsetting them, they find something to interpret as a personal affront, and find a way to the anger in which they live.

Likewise there are some people who live in guilt. They may be the kindest, sweetest people who try their hardest to not upset anyone, yet they walk around with a profound feeling of having done something wrong in their lives. They feel a deep sense of guilt which they cannot explain, and they spend each day afraid to fully express themselves for fear of ‘being wrong’.

For many years, I lived at the corner of blame and victimhood.

Convinced that I had been wronged by the universe in some way, I searched all of reality for ‘truths’ to validate my residence. Once I found those ‘truths’ I would inevitably find someone to blame for it. I had all my reasons worked out, and my beliefs that in turn justified my behaviors. 

Over time, I came to realize that I could stay forever at the corner of blame and victimhood, but the rent was increasingly becoming more expensive. 

Each year I lived there, I was paying more of my time into a house that would never bring me joy, and would eventually crumble around me, after I had sacrificed so much of what could have been looking for something that was never going to be.

So I decided it was time to leave home. That move was larger than the 4,902 miles that I now live from where I grew up.

Leaving the corner of blame and victimhood, I sought a new address, in the neighborhood that had sprung up at the intersection of responsibility and kindness. I found the rent to be more expensive at first, but the more I put into that home, the less it seemed to cost me. 

As I paid in action, which I had previously deemed pointless, I received the wages of self respect. As I invested in humility and humanity, I acquired the interest of joy, balance and peace.

And I found that my new home was a much better place to be.

Today, I invite you to see where you really live, and consider if it’s time for you to move out, and move on. While the journey may seem difficult, the destination may be more wonderful than you can imagine.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings