Morning Reflection: Life beneath the Veil of Disappointment

Life beneath the Veil of Disappointment.

Have you ever wanted to disappear out of shame? I think most of us have probably had one or two moments like that in our lives. 

Times where the realities of a situation weigh down on us, and we would like nothing more than the ground to open up and swallow us whole, or that we would have the ability somehow to hide our face, and become anonymous to the world.

Kind of like wearing a veil, so no-one can see who we are.

Those moments often occur because we have become a disappointment to the expectations that we currently hold, or, as is more often the case, a disappointment to others who have expectations about how we SHOULD live our lives, yet are unwilling to understand that we have a different point of view.

People who desire you to live for their truth, for their satisfaction, and not for your own.

I spoke at length recently to a good friend who is living a very difficult life. She feels like she has become a terrible disappointment to those around her, and that she is a failure because of the expectations she has mistakenly adopted about her life and her purpose.

Through her tears, sobbing profusely, we discussed some of the difficult truths that she faces, and I tried to help her see past the soul destroying limitations of her current understanding of the world. 

She has been taught almost from her birth that she only has value if she lives a certain way, achieves a certain goal, and only then can she rest. 

As the truths she has tried so hard to live have tightened harder and harder around her neck, threatening to choke all the joy out of her life, she has spiraled down into sadness, depression, fear and self loathing.

She lives under a veil of disappointment, wishing she could disappear from the sight of others, and be seen by very few people. 

Because that is really the point of a veil you see. We render the person beneath as anonymous, without identity, worth or value, unless they conduct themselves in a way that we feel is appropriate.

We unknowingly demean their humanity when we have an expectation, because we essentially assign a value of 'less than' until they fulfill our desires, even thought it may not be theirs.

With all the energy of my heart, I beg you to throw off any expectations that you may have for others. How little may you know the weight you place upon them, the sadness that may assail them, from your desire to have them sacrifice their truths to your own. 

If you dare, ask yourself what you truly seek to gain from their submission, and see if that is within alignment with the highest truths and values within you.

We are all born, we all live, we all die. May we allow everyone the freedom to choose their path knowing that they are loved because of who they are, rather than what they are doing.

And may we love ourselves that way as well.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Know your weakness, find your strength

Know your weakness, find your strength.

In the last 2 nights I’ve slept 4 hours and 5 hours respectively. I’d love to tell you that tonight will be different, but I try to be honest, so I can’t tell you that. Maybe 6 hours, if I’m lucky.

I think I chose the wrong life to give up caffeine.

Right now I feel somewhat overwhelmed. I have many things that I need to get done, and for every one that I take care of, two more seem to pop into existence. The more time I try to free up to do things, the more time I seem to need. 

I wish I could tell you that I’m operating at 100% efficiency, with everything organized and taken care of, but I can’t, because that again would be a lie.

I think one of my weaknesses is disorganization. I’m sure when my sweet wife reads this she will laugh and nod her head vigorously. A good friend of mine calls is AOADD – adult onset attention deficit disorder. I believe he’s onto something there.

Truthfully, I have the same amount of time in the day as everyone else, but I am not as effective at using that time as others. My desk is routinely a mess, and I find myself having to rush to do things that I could have done earlier that somehow escaped my notice. 

Honestly, I procrastinate things until they become urgent, and then try not to let them become a crisis. I start with the best of intentions, but somehow I fail to execute in the way that I should.

Just as I fail to get to bed at a sensible time.

We all have weaknesses that beset us. Some we are aware of, some we are not. That’s why it helps to have good friends around, someone who can whisper a considerate truth in our ear and tell what everyone in the world but us can see. 

It has to be someone you can trust, but it also has to be someone you will listen to. Because if you want to find your strength, you have to go through your weaknesses.

As someone who is a chronic procrastinator, I have found that a short to-do list, with 4-5 items on it, helps me to get things accomplished. As someone who can lose a train of thought in a heartbeat, I have found that the right kind of sound, or music, can help to keep me locked on target and productive.

As someone who can fall into a deep pit of self recrimination, I have found that a great family and especially a loving wife can help pull me out of myself, and show me the pathway back to balance.

If you are brave enough, and if you really want to know what everyone else knows about you, I challenge you today to have a deep, honest and heartfelt conversation with someone who will tell you the truth about you.

Because only by knowing yourself, and asking for help, can you move beyond where you are now.

And into the light.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The truth in the tragedy

The truth in the tragedy.

It doesn’t seem like it’s been 17 years, and yet in some ways it feels like another world; another life away. The liquid nature of time is strange like that; sometimes a trickle, sometimes a torrent, and sometimes a tsunami.

As I take time today to reflect back onto the events of that day, I am reminded of the truths that became apparent in the aftermath of events too terrible to envision, and too traumatic to ever forget.

Out of the trepidation and the tragedy, truths arose that cannot be ignored, and that shone a light on the true nature of who we are, and what we can become.

In the immediate aftermath of that day, there were some who were moved to anger, some who were moved to sadness, some who moved in the direction of fear, and some who found themselves drawn into kindness.

As the horror rolled over us, it washed away many of the facades that we cling to, and in doing so, exposed our true emotional environments for all to see. It also became a huge lens for each of us to focus through, that we might find a way to interpret the day into the emotions that we seek.

And so the first truth was revealed; that the same event can have very different meaning to all of us, especially those who prefer to feel rather than think. That in every event, there is a choice as how to interpret meaning, if we will only prepare ourselves and our minds to choose wisely.

That even in the most tragic of days, when time seems dark and life seems too terrible to go on living, there is still a choice, even if only in the meanings we take from the madness of the maelstrom.

But there was a second, and greater truth in that tragedy, one that took a little longer to reveal itself. 

As we mourned our dead, we as a people we moved collectively towards unity, towards the better sides of our nature; edging towards light as we eschewed darkness. In the days after that terrible day, we came together as we hadn’t done in many, many years.

The petty politics that so beset our times were for a short season removed from our discourse, and we allowed our common humanity to connect at a deeper level than we had for so long. Neighbor helped out neighbor, not for profit, or out of fear, but out of a recognition of all that makes us one, rather than that which would split us apart.

For a short time, as the events of September 11, 2001 eclipsed our light as a nation, we as a people produced our own illumination; millions upon millions of individual lights, leading us together out of the darkness.

And then the second truth was manifest. That we are good. Despite our individual flaws, our petty differences, our deepest fears and our darkest demons, we as a people are better together than we are apart. 

As we pause today, to reflect on the trauma and the tragedy, please also reflect upon the truths evident from that terrible day, and have hope. Be the light in the darkness. Be the hope for the fearful. Be the kindness for the down trodden, and be the healing for those who are wounded.

For we are all better together.

May you pause today, reflect, and become brighter. Remember the fallen, and recover the lost.

May we move forward together, and find our own peace.

If this message has helped you today, please consider sharing so that we might help others together.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: “Why am I real”?

“Why am I real”?

My youngest son asked me this when he was only 7 years old. Honestly, I didn’t have a great answer for him, because how do you explain the concepts of existential philosophy to a 7 year old when you really don’t have a good handle on it yourself.

I still remember how helpless I felt when faced with that question.

He’s 17 now, and while I don’t think I have a great answer, I do have some better questions to discuss with him. I would ask him to define his concept of real. 

Does he mean real as in a physical body, or as in his consciousness? I would ask him if he wanted to explore a reason why he existed from a religious or spiritual perspective, and discuss with him the possibilities that the great minds have postulated for our shared experienced together.

But most of all, I would ask him why it matters.

Because in truth, we are here. There are differing explanations of how we got here; answers woven from science, faith, fear and hope. 

The answer that you choose to accept can define your reality, but it can also shadow it, creating a lifetime of doubt or self recrimination. For every person who ‘knows’, there are others who don’t. 

Today, I would like to invite you to consider a change from “I am” to “I can”.

Whether you have a faith, or a question, or a determination is less important to me than how you are living that which you believe. I have heard many people who assign labels to themselves, in a desperate search for an identity and a purpose for “being real”. 

I have also seen people crushed when for some reason a label is lost, and their identity taken from them.

But if you live without labels, instead choosing to focus on your capabilities, then you stop determining who you are, and instead focus on how you can serve.

For me, I serve to heal others. In my profession I heal the physical, yet in my passion of writing and sharing, I try to lift up the hearts and souls of those whom I can reach. 

As long as I can find some way to help others, even if only with a sincere smile and a concern for their well-being and happiness, I can connect with my purpose, and find an answer to the question of “Why am I real”.

I am real, to uplift, to care, to love, to serve, to heal, to bring peace. 

And you are here also. As to why, well that’s really up to you. If you haven’t yet discovered why you are real, that’s ok. In truth, we are all trying to find out own way, and some have different paths and truths than others.

Please know that I am grateful for your reality. I am grateful that our paths have crossed in whichever way they have. I am grateful that I can serve you, in whatever capacity I can.

I am real, for you.

Why are you real?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: No more

No more.

Do you have the courage to say it, and mean it? 

I have been in awe this week of 3 people within my circle of influence who have chosen to say “no more” to situations in their lives that have caused them pain and heartache.

In doing so, each of them is subjecting themselves to the opinion of those within their circles who may look upon them harshly, or with disappointment. They have made these choices knowing that there are consequences in the future, some which they probably cannot see, and many of which may be very hard to live through.

And yet they have chosen.

These may not necessarily be the choices that I think are in their best interests, but that is not for me to decide. I do not know their circumstances as intimately as they do, and has been pointed out to me many times before, I don’t know everything. 

But I do know that these choices have taken a great deal of courage, and I am inspired by the strength of decisions that I see. I am reminded that we are the only ones who know our own hearts, and the true reasons for why we make the decisions that we do.

The level to which we are self aware helps us to make those choices intelligently, and yet the more I work with clients through their awareness journey, the more I realize that many of us live in a bubble of emotion that prevents us from seeing and accepting the truth of why we feel a certain way. 

In each of these 3 situations, I can see possible underlying emotional wants that may be creating a distortion in the person’s perception of the situation they feel they face, and in the choices they have made going forwards.

And I am reminded that in life, there are always choices, but sometimes all you have are bad ones, and you just have to choose, and try to make the best of where you land.

But every choice that changes your life takes a significant amount of courage. Whether it’s to walk away from a place where you are no longer valued, or from a relationship that no longer serves you, there are rarely easy choices in our journey through this existence. 

But these choices can be made a little easier with the support of those around you who profess caring and concern. 

Today, I ask you to find those who are making life changes, and support them in any way that you can. As has been stated, all of us are fighting a battle. 

For some, they may have reached the bridge through their troubles that only they can take, but we who are with them can support them, and be present for them.

May we stand ready to assist, affirming our love and compassion by our acceptance of their right to choose their path, rather than the one we might choose for them.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: A Dangerous Desire for Acceptance

A Dangerous Desire for Acceptance.

Have you ever wanted something so badly that it consumed you? A desire so strong that it overtook your life, and changed who you were? So completely that it held you back from becoming the person you could be?

I see this from time to time, and I’ve seen how it can ruin people.

The desire for acceptance is nothing new, or revolutionary. If you look back in all the world’s wisdom literature, from whatever creed or culture, eventually you will find a story of someone who didn’t feel accepted, and acted out in anger or pain. 

Feeling unaccepted is one of the most intense emotional pains that we can feel, robbing us of our sense of personal worth and even our humanity if we let it.

But sometimes, that desire can hold you back.

I have a good friend who realizes that she needs to make some changes in her life, and grow into the better part of her nature. Yet she is held back by an overwhelming desire to be ‘loved and accepted’ for who she is, and so she stubbornly resists life’s attempts to nudge her in the direction of who she could be. 

So instead of growing from her challenges, they become fuel for her disappointment, her anger, her ranting and raging.

In short, she is wasting her life, subconsciously demanding to be liked for a lesser version of who she could be, not realizing that she could be adored at the level of being all that she could be.

The choice is hers, but I wonder if she is aware enough to even realize she is making a one.

It’s sad, because instead of enjoying the struggle to become who she could be, she instead fights against her problems with a determined desire to not change, not become better. 

It’s almost as though she holds onto the parts of herself that are less than she can be in an attempt to have her flaws accepted and applauded.

And in doing so, she creates more problems than she can see.

All of us have a desire to be accepted by others, but that acceptance will always be fleeting, and false. The only true acceptance you need is the one that comes from within yourself. 

Once you accept who you are, without any need for outside validation, then you can begin to see the things about yourself that you need to change. Then you change them because it is your choice, not because some outside influence is making you, but because you want to.

Want, or desire, is one of the strongest human emotions, that can drive progress, or destroy perfection.

Today, I invite you to begin the process of accepting yourself. The more aware of yourself you become, the easier it becomes to understand all those parts of yourself that you might wish to release, and in releasing, become the greatest expression of yourself that you can be.

Accept yourself, accept your life, and move forward.

Become free.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Perfect, with room for improvement

Perfect, with room for improvement.

It sounds like an oxymoron doesn’t it. Because we have this crazy idea in our heads that perfection means the end of improvement, that nothing can be added, that the process is complete. 

Maybe because of your upbringing, you were taught that you had to be perfect, and that only by being perfect could you be enough.

I’m here to ask you to see things differently.

22 years ago today (as I write this) I came to this country to marry the woman I had fallen in love with. In what could be described as a very unconventional courtship, including long distance letters, phone calls and talk tapes (oh the pre-internet days), we forged a relationship that will celebrate 22 years of marriage next month. 

Because she was perfect for me.

That’s not to say that she doesn’t have room for improvement, because she does, and so do I, but we were perfect for each other. If she had met me 2 years prior, we wouldn’t have worked. 2 years later, and it probably wouldn’t have worked. 

If she had already reached a state of perfection, free from all flaws and imperfections, the chances are that she would never have looked at a guy like me.

But because of our imperfections, we were perfect for each other.

And yet we still try to improve, in ourselves, in our relationship, in our parenting. Each of us on our own journey, yet walking together hand in hand as we try to become perfect for each other in the ever evolving tapestry of our lives. 

So I would ask you today to reconsider your idea of perfect. 

Has it ever occurred to you that you might be the perfect person to help someone else, specifically because of your imperfections? In my work as a coach, and a healer, I have been blessed to share my imperfections with others, and help them understand that they too are perfect, with room for improvement.

Just like you are.

You see, when you accept that you can be perfect, and yet still have room to improve, then you remove some of the burdens that you carry. 

Once you realize that you have worth, that you are perfect, even though you have imperfections, you free up that part of your soul that has been for so long struggling under a cloud of self recrimination.

And you empower that part of you that can lift, inspire, touch and heal another person, a family, a community, a country, a world.

Just know that you are perfect, with room to improve.

You ARE enough.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Racing Time

Racing Time.

Everyone marvels at the speed of light. 186,000 miles in a second. The fastest anything can move according to Mr. Einstein. 

But while we use light as a sense, as a mechanism to judge distance, as a constant in a universe that continually defies convention, we forget the other great component in our rush to understand the reality in which we all participate.

We forget the speed of time.

I will be turning 48 this month. 48 years on this planet; 48 revolutions in space around the star that gives us life. 

During those revolutions, the earth has actually travelled almost 34 trillion miles in space, so it’s no wonder that I feel kind of tired sometimes. That’s a hell of a journey.

During those 48 years, I’ve noticed a strange phenomenon. Time is getting faster. Each year seems to pass just a little bit quicker than the previous one, and again I find the genius in Mr. Einstein’s proclamations. Time really is relative. 

Although time actually moves at a speed according to local gravity, my subjective experience of time is based upon all that has happened to me, and is currently happening to me.

And all that may happen to me, in the time that I have remaining. And most of us have no idea how long that is.

As the season changes this year, I can sense my age. Not physically, but as a conscious entity. I feel time flowing through me, past me, relentlessly onwards. It will not listen to my hopes, my dreams, my desires, my fears. It will not give me one moment to repeat, one temporal mulligan in the stream of eternity.

It’s like Eminem says, we get “one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted, one moment”. I sense that moment is moving quicker now, and I feel an need to grasp it even tighter, living each day with a more powerful, more profound and more pressing urgency.

Have you ever stood in the evening, and realized that the sun is not setting, but that we are rising away from it, or that the thin atmosphere is all that shields us from the immense cold, dark, unforgiving realm of space.

I am starting to feel that way about time. Time has in different seasons been my friend, my jailor, my confidant and my companion.

But now it is starting to feel like my enemy, and it is moving faster. I have to live harder to catch up. Less time spent on the small and unimportant things. More time dedicated to my passion, my purpose, my responsibilities.

For now I am in race against time, until we both blend into eternity.

It’s time to run.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Filling your bucket

Filling your bucket.

I realized a funny truth about myself tonight. It came as I was staring intently at a YouTube video. As engrossed as I was, the ‘self aware’ part of my brain, the part that I try desperately to listen to, decided to whisper a simple truth in my ear, and make me aware of just how far I have to go in my journey.

And I felt like a total hypocrite.

Like most kids, my 17-year-old likes to watch video games on YouTube. In case you think you read that wrong, you didn’t. If you didn’t know, there are people (making a lot of money) who play video games and comment on them, and then upload them for other people to watch. 

It’s a growing industry, and one that I’ve never understood. In fact, I’ve asked my son many times why he watches someone else doing something he could be doing.

And he’s never given me an answer that made sense to me. 

Probably because I wasn’t listening properly. I’ve never stopped him from doing it, because it seems fairly harmless, but I may have decreased his enjoyment in something by my obvious (though hopefully gentle) inability to see its worth.

But tonight, as I sat engrossed in a really cool video made by a commercial pilot who gets to fly my dream aircraft, one that I find absolutely beautiful, I realized that I was no different than my son, it was just that our interests are different, because we are at different stages in our lives.

And so I walked over and quietly apologized to him for judging him when I had no right to. He smiled, and told me it was ok, and it truly was. He’s like that. He can forgive faster than I can judge, which is no mean feat, let me tell you. 

And it made me wonder, about how much my unintended judgments may have weighed upon his choices. Unless his choice of entertainment is obviously inappropriate or destructive, what right do I have to determine what he finds enjoyable? Like I said earlier, I’ve tried very hard to support him in anything that he has wanted to do.

But I realize in sober reflection that while I may have supported and encouraged, I did not do it with an attitude of complete acceptance, and that’s a difficult thing to realize.

So tonight I decided (again) that I need to be a better father, and probably a better husband as well. 

I need to go beyond just supporting my family in their pursuits, and I need to rid myself of subconscious judgment in the way that they ‘fill their emotional buckets”.

As long as they are finding peace, happiness and contentment, what right do I have to place my opinion on their enjoyment? That is denying their humanity, and deriding their dignity.

I hope I can be better.

You do you, however you want to. That’s your right, and I need to respect that.

(Post-reflection note: my wife thinks I am being too ‘sensitive’ about this, but I can’t hear her properly because I’m watching another video of the Embraer Phenom 300, which is my very favorite plane right now).

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Curse of Over-Thinking

The Curse of Over-Thinking.

“I’m an over-thinker” she said to me, quietly and somewhat reluctantly. We were discussing a future event which will happen, and which will be very difficult for my friend, who has been somewhat occupied with fears about it. 

I’ve known her for almost 10 years now, and as well as being an over-thinker, she an intelligent, articulate, fun, talented and caring person. Not that she’d agree with that of course, but more on that another time.

“So why do you over think things?” I asked, because you know how much I love it when people self define an aspect of who they are. :)

For a moment she looked at me as though she couldn’t tell if I was serious, or just stupid. I gave her some time, and she just stared at me, head to one side, a quizzical look in her eyes. 

Finally she uttered the words I had been expecting. “I don’t know” she said quietly. Then she added the words I wasn’t expecting. “Why don’t you tell me”.

It’s a terrifying yet humbling moment when someone opens up enough to seriously ask you for your opinion. I knew in that moment that my answer had to be my most honest, humble and heartfelt one possible. 

So I looked her straight in the eyes, and as lovingly as I could stated the truth that seemed most apparent to me.

“You over think it, because you are afraid that you won’t be able to handle it when it happens. You don’t have enough confidence in yourself to make it through, even though you know you will, but it’s just going to hurt a lot”.

She thought about my answer for a while, and admitted that my thought might have some merit.

In my own life, I’ve found that the things I tend to dwell on are those things which are either incredibly good, or things which scare me because I’m not sure how I’ll handle it. 

I’ve reached a point in my life where the concept of discomfort, or a moderate level of pain, are just parts of life, so I don’t worry about those, but the things that keep me up all night are the things that I’m not sure I can handle without my life falling apart.

And I wonder how I would put myself back together.

So now, when I find myself over-thinking things, which happens a lot more than it should, I apply a very old formula that I learned from Dale Carnegie. 

First, imagine the very worst that could happen. Then, and this is the hard part, accept that it could happen, make peace with it as much as you can. 

Then try to find anything that you can do to either prevent it from happening, or to make it less painful, avoiding as much of the pain as possible.

It sounds simple, because it is simple to understand, and very difficult to do well.

If we were to spend as much time thinking about the solution as we do over-thinking the problem, we might find life to be greater than we can possibly imagine.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Love is an Invitation, Hatred a Rejection

Love is an invitation, hatred a rejection.

I’ve been concerned about a friend recently. This is someone for whom I have an immense respect, and an abiding concern for. 

But over the last year or so, I’ve noticed a troubling progression in her countenance that has left me saddened and dismayed. I wish there was something I could do to change her direction, but I can’t seem to find the right way to go about it.

She is changing from a person of love, into a creature of hate.

It’s her way of responding to a situation in which she finds herself. This is not of her making, or even of her control. Truly, the situation lies within her sphere of concern, but not within her sphere of influence or control. 

Frustrated, angry and I suspect running out of patience, she has chosen to become hardened, critical, resentful and combative.

Although I see her still performing good works, her energy has changed, and she now projects an aura of aggression, contention and superiority. 

In short, she is choosing hatred, because it’s easier to hate those whom she considers her enemies, but I fear she is actually prolonging the very situation that has created the nightmare she now feels trapped in. 

I titled this post very specifically, because I feel we all need to understand this at a greater level; I know I do.

When you offer love to those who you esteem to be your enemies, then you invite them into an interaction that may eventually turn into a dialogue. 

In short, love is an invitation to grow and find a truth together, regardless of your differences. 

And I understand that it is hard to offer love to those who have treated you or others badly, but you have to ask yourselves, what is the alternative?

If you return hatred with hatred, then you reject not only the person, but the possibility that you could find a way to co-exist together. 

Instead of engaging in a relationship which could change the world, we choose to hate, and in so doing harden a conflict which may last generations, until finally, out of desperation born of all the hatred that has preceded, someone, somewhere, is going to sit down and have to do what was inevitable from the start.

They are going to have to engage in a dialogue, and find a way to live together.

I beg all of us today, including myself, to turn from hatred, division, anger and contention, and try to find a balance. If half of the world is your enemy, then you can’t ignore, deride or destroy them.

We have to find a way to live in peace, and it begins with us choosing love over hate.

We have to be the calm in the storm.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Family doesn’t have to be forever

Family doesn’t have to be forever.

I know that sounds harsh, and maybe it is, but if you talked to as many people as I do, and listened to their stories of pain and heartache created by people with whom they happen to share a genetic similarity, you’d probably come to the same conclusion.

You wouldn’t like it, but you’d get there.

For example, the Mom who has a son who actively sends her hateful materials, and who has before left her scared for her very safety. Or the daughter who was used as a pawn between two parents who both cared more about hurting each other than they did about their child. 

The woman who has recognized that her sister is a narcissist who has stolen from her parents, caused fights and sowed discord between siblings. How about the woman who has been ignored, cut off and essentially ostracized by her sisters, only to find herself the one they turn to when they are in trouble?

How about the son, in tears, who is told by his father that he shouldn’t be upset about the divorce, because his father is so much happier now.

I could go on, and on, and on. Sadly, the truth is that family can be as much of a source of strength and joy as it can a fount of frustration and pain.

For some reason, we seem to have this concept that because someone is ‘family’ we should accept a level of abuse from them that we would never accept from someone else. 

What really breaks my heart is that it’s always the ‘good people’ getting hurt. Time after time in coaching and just in life, I find myself trying to help someone emotionally disconnect from a family member who creates too much trouble. 

Maybe it’s the child who doesn’t feel like they can live their own life out of fear of disappointing a parent or grandparent.

They struggle through guilt, and eventually find a balance that they can survive through, but only after some deep introspection, deliberation and determination.

And sometimes, even family members who are not ‘bad’ just cause too much pain. Sometimes the Lego just doesn’t fit, and someone who has the best of intentions is also someone who just causes you too much pain and difficulty right now.

Not that you really need it, but in case you feel like you do, this is me, giving you, the permission you’ve been waiting for.

It’s ok. It’s ok to scale back your interactions with family members who are causing you pain or who are in some way negatively influencing you. 

It’s not ok to be rude about it, or cruel, or cause a scene, or hold up your pain as an emblem of your suffering.

I’m saying it’s ok to quietly walk away, and find peace. 

In case you are wondering if I ever take my own advice, I live 4,972 miles away from my father, and we haven’t spoken in 15+ years. 

I write this reflection very much out of my own truth.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Finding out that you don’t fit in

Finding out that you don’t fit in.

Have you ever realized that you just don’t fit in? Maybe it’s a clash with a certain person, or with the subculture of a group of people who you have known for years. 

It’s not like they aren’t kind to you, or that they ignore you, but suddenly one day the pieces of the puzzle fit together in just the right way, and the light shines through, bringing with it illumination and knowledge.

That you are never going to be ‘right’ for a particular group, or position, within your life. That you will never ‘fit in’, or be a part of the ‘in-crowd’.

Recently this has become rather apparent to me within a certain part of my life. I’ve been described as ‘unorthodox’ or ‘intimidating’ because I choose to speak the truth as I see it, although trying to be as kind as possible. 

Nothing overt has been brought to my attention, but it’s become increasingly obvious to me that I will always be regarded as a wild card, an outsider within the whole.

And honestly, it’s been a somewhat difficult to come to terms with.

As I have struggled with this new understanding, I have tried to look within myself, to see if there are areas that I need to improve, and of course I have found many. 

But I also decided to look with new eyes upon those for whom I have been a discomfort, a trial, or a puzzle. In my examination of them, I chose to look only upon on the positive things that I could find.

And I found so many.

They are good people, kind, generous, helpful and with a desire to serve others. They are honest in their actions, and although they see a truth of life that seems to deviate from mine in the semantics, they live with a good intent.

It’s just that my way is never quite going to be comfortable for them. And I’m realizing that’s ok.

Once I understood that my desire to ‘fit in’ was really a desire to obtain significance from others, by being completely ‘accepted’ by them, my need to ‘fit in’ changed. In truth, they are not in a position to grant me a sense of significance. 

No matter how hard someone tries to change how I feel, that sense of acceptance and significance has to come from a place within, not from a group without.

Because they have never lived my life, seen the things I have learned, and faced the challenges that brought me to the place I am at today, I can’t expect them to see things the way I do. That’s not a good thing or a bad thing, it simply just is. 

If I can learn to accept that I will never be fully a part of who they are, then maybe they can learn to accept that too.

And hopefully, we can find our own peace and truth together.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Simple beauty

Simple beauty.

This one reached out to me. I don’t know why. Most of the time, I write the reflection first, and then begins the painstaking search for the right picture to go with the post. 

This can often take longer than writing the reflection, as I try to make the picture something meaningful along with the message. My wife Holly and I have had some interesting ‘discussions’ over my choices of pictures.

But today, the picture demanded to be shared, and I had to find the message in it. And it turned out all I needed to do was to look at it, and see the simple beauty of the flower. 

I was diagnosed as being ‘color blind’ when I was around 12-13 years old. As a child it wasn’t really a problem for me, especially since I attended a school with a uniform, so I was always wearing the same colors. 

As a teenager, you are expected to make some questionable clothing choices as you ‘find your own style’ (Miami Vice: 2-piece white suit – what was I thinking). But as an adult, my inability to match colors properly has presented some interesting challenges.

Let’s just say that you don’t want me helping you to re-wire your house. You really, really don’t.

So whenever I see a picture like today’s, which uses contrast and color so magnificently, I always wonder how someone without my color deficiency, would see it. Is it more or less beautiful than the way I see it? 

But the harder I look, the more I realize that the colors and the shape are less important to me. When I look closer and deeper into this picture, I appreciate the structure of the plant. 

I wonder at the biochemical mechanisms that turn sunlight into energy, that can absorb water through roots going deep into the earth.

And I realize that what makes this flower special, wonderful and amazing is not the color or the shape, but the power that it represents. It is fragile, yet it is strong. It can stand through rain and wind, sun and storm. 

It can bring happiness to others, and yet it is unique, perfect, and most especially…it is enough.

It all depends on how you see.

I wonder how many times in your life you have only judged yourself by how you appear, and not who you are? It’s far too easy in our visually dependent world to judge someone on looks; not on their character, their capabilities, their kindness, their charity, or their awareness.

Today, why not stop looking at how you look, and instead just accept that you ARE? Being is enough, it doesn’t require a label, or a qualification, to determine value.

I invite you to consider the following:

I am.
I am here.
I am now.

When you truly understand what that means, you’ll understand why it means everything.

And why you are enough.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Understanding the infinite with a finite mind

Understanding the infinite with a finite mind.

One dark night, drive out into the middle of nowhere, turn off all the lights, and look up into the universe. As you stare out into a frontier beyond your imagination, realize that there is nothing between you and the vast blackness except a thin layer of air, held in place by a gravitational force that we still don’t understand. 

And what you see is nothing.

You see less than one millionth of one percent of all that is out there. There’s so much to see, so many places to go, that a thousand lifetimes wouldn’t even scratch the surface. Then there’s possibly things we can’t see, and times that we cannot access. What was before the universe, what comes after, what is outside the universe, what is inside the atom? 

How can you take it all in, and make sense of it all?

We can’t because it’s just too much. Trying to understand space, let alone time, with our limited minds is impossible, yet we try to find out more and more each day. We pile guess upon conjecture, theory upon supposition, and feel like we have a grasp on what ‘reality’ means. We live our lives in ignorance of what is possible, because we believe we understand enough to get by.

How much are we missing out on, how much further do we have to go?

If for one day, you could give up all your presupposed judgments, and instead see the world with unencumbered eyes, how would your life be changed? 

For truly there is the infinite all around us, but we do not have infinite time in this form. So we sacrifice our wonder of all that we could see for the day to day survival of monotony, never feeling the weight of the sacrifice because we know not all that we give up.

This is life, this is reality, yet we alone have the responsibility to decide how we will meet the infinite. If you look, truly look, you can live in a state of profound wonder, gratitude and amazement. Even on your worst day, there are so many marvels around us, when we stop understanding, and see every miracle for what it truly is.

Don’t get lost in the everyday, for that is the illusion that robs you of all that you see. Nothing is everyday – everyday is incredible.

Life is amazing.

Do you feel it?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Searching for direction in a forest of questions

Searching for direction in a forest of questions.

I seem to have arrived at a place where there are no answers, nothing certain. The old trees of the forest of my life are losing their leaves, and new shoots are sprouting from the ground. 

Whether these are from the seeds of the old trees, or new growth truths, I cannot tell. Each answer breeds new questions.

And I have lived long enough to know that it is how we navigate through our questions that ultimately charts our course, rather than the fixed point answers that we have used for aiming towards. 

Our ability to chart a course through rough seas is a defining characteristic of this race that we belong to, yet I find myself becoming more comfortable in the absence of a sure direction, and in the presence of rough terrain surrounded by magnificent trees reaching into eternities.

I am beginning to find a strange adaptation of peace in the movement of conflicting, colliding concepts.

In my journey to find peace, I am learning to accept my own judgments rather than allowing the influence of others to force my opinions, and more importantly allowing myself to hold conflicting viewpoints, ideas, theories and positions. 

As I become more of myself, and less the product of the influence of others, I need less absolutism, and more inquisitiveness. Less judgment, more compassion; less need to direct, and a greater desire to assist.

As I walk among the trees of truth, sensing their strength against the wind, the rain, the hail, the snow, the sun, the heat, and against time, I am reminded that although the tree has its roots, it is also reaching beyond that which anchors it, into the void absent of soil, yet from which its life and death can spring.

The very forest itself appears to be embracing life beyond its beginning.

The trees in the forest work together, yet each stands alone. So it is with questions and truths, blending, weaving, supporting and sheltering. 

The presence of an oak does not threaten a redwood. The trees breathe together, as do my answers and my questions, offering me a different canopy of protection, while I try to find my way in this universe.

That I have more questions than answers will probably be upsetting to some, and I observe that fact without apology or arrogance. Some things just are right now. It is not to say they will always be, for I cannot yet see through the forest to determine my destiny. 

I just know that I am on my journey and I do not feel that I have arrived at my terminus. Perhaps there will never be one.

But as I traverse this forest of questions, I hope that I bring my humility, my desire for truth, my compassion and my desire to serve through the darkness, and into the open field.

For no destination is complete without them.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The hidden WHY to all that you do

The hidden WHY to all that you do.

A friend of mine wrote a Facebook post yesterday about losing his temper. I guess it’s something that happens occasionally for him, but he felt bad, and was concerned that he had ruined a friendship that he valued because of his behavior. 

I gently suggested that he try to figure out why he lost his temper, because if he understands that, he might be able to change the circumstances that caused the behavior.

His answer told me most of what I had already surmised, and nothing of any use.

He went on to describe HOW he lost his temper, by overanalyzing a situation and comparing it to previous experiences. While I commend him for his understanding thus far, I fear that he is completely unaware of the reasons behind his actions. And he’s not alone. 

I have been there before, and will probably be there again sometime.

As I learn more about myself, I have uncovered some significantly uncomfortable feelings at the heart of all that I am. Feelings of insignificance, of craving certainty, of a longing for connection. 

I understand that these feeling are not unique to me, far from it. But they do tempt me to act sometimes in ways that are not in alignment with who I am trying to be, and so I struggle against those temptations.

This even occurs when I’m writing these reflections.

I had a different reflection written for today, one that had a very different tone. While I feel that the message of that post is valid and necessary, I realized as I analyzed my feelings that I had written the piece out of a desire to make a point to someone who might read that message today. 

Sitting quietly and listening to my soul, I knew that I had to write something different.

Because I owe you more than that.

In truth this work, which feels less and less ‘mine’ and more and more ‘ours’ with every passing day, is my way to try to serve you. As I sit here each night, I try to imagine us sitting quietly together, talking over our human problems. 

I think of you, and my heart fills with appreciation for who you are, your presence in my life, and your kindness in commenting on the work each day.

All of us act sometimes out of that dark place in our mind that refuses to give up its secrets without a deep, introspective journey that forces us to confront our pain, our fears and our loneliness. 

It doesn’t have to be something as foolish as losing our temper, or speaking a harsh word. It can also be in the failure to act, to say “I love you”, or to follow through on our dreams.

Our unconscious motivations are often born out of our deepest desperations.

Whenever you find yourself unable to explain why you acted a certain way, I invite you to sit quietly and see if you can uncover the truth behind the mystery. 

Often these truths are hard to find, and ever harder to understand once we uncover them, but the greater you become aware of your hidden traumas and fallacies, the easier it becomes to remedy them.

If you desire peace, seek deeply in your heart, mind and soul.

It is there for your taking.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: A Simple Harmony for Humanity

A Simple Harmony for Humanity.

I’ve been meditating today on the concept of the human race as an orchestra. As we drove back down from a much needed soul recharge in the mountains, I marveled at the way every driver on the road was able to interact with each other. 

There was no road rage, and very little egotistical behavior. There was simply a beautiful river, majestic trees, eternal rolling mountains, and people cooperating with each other.

And I marveled at the beautiful harmony that we created.

As I considered the idea of myself as a chord of music in the glorious symphony of the human race, I began to see how the melody that I create can affect others, and likewise how I can be affected by the music that they produce.

For some, there seems to be a constant soundtrack of sadness, and a desire to inflict distress on others as a way to temporarily mute the frustration and pain they hear in their own hearts. 

There are those who seek to change the music of their soul into a more pleasing melody, finding growth difficult but ultimately worthwhile.

Others, having found within themselves a pure, clean and peaceful song seek lovingly to share with others, creating their own music together in a simple desire to uplift and edify the songs they hear around them.

As I contemplate the music inside of me, I have come to understand that a single note in the cacophony that is our world is never going to be enough. 

Just as one violin cannot play every part in the orchestra, so one person alone cannot change the world. 

But together, 1000 people can play the music to attract 100,000 or more, uniting in a simple harmony for humanity, that we can create together an opus for all to share, calming, healing, loving, changing, uplifting and edifying all who hear our refrain.

Together, our song can heal our hearts, and the hearts of many more.

I would ask today, if you feel comfortable, to share this work and these writings whenever you feel prompted to do so. 

There are so many people hurting, and I truly desire that we may be of help to the world as we reflect together on the truths of our journeys along our pathways to awareness.

By ourselves, we are one note, one drop in the ocean of life. Together, we can become a wave of healing heard around the world.

Helping, healing, harmonizing.

Together.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Learn to be still

Learn to be still.

How would you describe the movement of your soul? It’s a tough question isn’t it? I don’t think it’s something I had ever considered until recently, but as I help people navigate their own life journeys through enhanced awareness, I have come to realize that the background movements of our soul create the currents through which we express our consciousness.

And my soul could use a lot more stillness.

But stillness is in short supply in our world today. When was the last time you sat quietly, doing nothing? How long has it been since you treated yourself to a freedom from the outer world, and instead concentrated on that small quiet voice inside of you that is screaming for your attention, desperate to help you find balance, peace, wisdom and fulfillment?

When was the last time you listened in silence, or the absence of stimulus?

I realize the question itself is wrong, because we are never ‘doing nothing’. Even in the midst of quiet (which is not the same as silence, but is often mistaken for such) our thoughts flow over us in a myriad of media-trained self assessments; always running, never waiting, desperate to find the next thing to help us feel whole, significant, enough. 

Twisting our soul into a form not chosen by us, but out of a desperation to fit in; to be ok, to be ‘good enough’.

And still our soul moves erratically, unbalanced, lacking its own confidence, responding at the whim of others instead of ourselves.

We have forsaken our friend silence, in favor of our enemy, the constant distraction. No longer do we sit in quiet contemplation of the majesty of the physical world, with its mountains, rivers, deserts, fields, forests and oceans. 

Just as we have divorced ourselves from the appreciation of sincere, heartfelt, slow, quiet conversation, we have embraced the cacophony of constant high speed but low quality communication through the medium of the digital age.

We have learned to abhor stillness, and adopted in its place the electronic screaming of a thousand unknown, unqualified opinions that masquerade as intelligence. We are losing our faculty for reason, because we have stopped using it.

And we have lost the peace that is our birthright, the calmness that comes from experience, the kindness that accompanies selflessness and the wisdom that comes from time.

We have lost ourselves.

If you truly desire to find stillness in your soul, you have to make peace with the darkness within yourself and within the universe. 

Until you have balanced your soul in your estimation of the universe, forever will you be moving without true purpose, seeking without finding, running until weary, and screaming without cessation.

The stillness you seek for your soul is found in the silence of your senses, and the contemplation of your consciousness.

Today, I invite you to choose stillness. I promise you, the choice will change you.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Fear of Moving Forward

The Fear of Moving Forward

I’d like to tell you that I’m not afraid of what comes next. Fear, after all, is anticipation of what could be, not what will be. Fear requires imagination. 

Fear requires me to acknowledge all that I could lose, while hoping for the opposite outcome. Fear is borrowing pain from a future that may never be.

And yet fear holds me hostage.

I find myself at a crossroads in my life. I know that the road that has led me here is a one way street, a pathway that I have trodden that can never be walked again. Instead, I see possibilities spreading out before me; intricate, infinite, impossible to know for certain. 

The roads of time and choice multiply, intertwine and blur into possibilities, both of success and of catastrophe.

And I struggle to complete the actions that I feel are necessary.

I have recently come into a peace in my life that has been very hard fought. I find a new serenity, a calmness, an opening of my soul to possibilities that have before been only dreams, and a deeper belief that things may become what I have long desired. Yet, I am afraid that by moving beyond where I am, I may lose this peace for a while, if not forever.

But I also realize that the peace I have found is really no more than the absence of an intense darkness. In reality, I am living in that moment between the night and the day, where possibilities manifest, and the world doesn’t seem as oppressive as it once was.

This time of the day doesn’t last long however. In truth, I need to step into the light now, and see if the hopes and dreams that have drawn me from the darkness are strong enough to walk in the light, stand in the sun and carry me to the next level of my purpose.

My fear is that if I fail, I will once again be without a sense of purpose, and that the darkness will find me again, claiming me once more as its own.

There is really only one way to avoid the darkness, and that is to step into the light, taking my desires to serve into the next level, and to truly discover if the potential that I see in myself is really there, or just the vain imaginations of a tired man who has believed one too many dreams in the darkness.

So I must make this move, even though I am scared of the potential loss of everything that I have gained so far.

Fear is a universal trait in our species; well, almost universal. But so is courage.

It is written that bravery is not the absence of fear, but the ability to act in the face of fear. For me, the time to act has arrived. 

I have to step forward. I have to try to serve at a greater level and lose myself in that service. For when I move from selfishness into service, I move from fearful into fearlessness.

It’s time to move. I hope you will come with me.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings